Polygamy-Choice-the Illusion
by ana on Feb.20, 2009, under polygamy - the aftermath, Section 1
A Muslim friend advised me that many Muslim men that have more than one wife do not realize they had no choice in the matter. It was written before they were born that they would have more than one wife at a time, practice polygamy.
Men make excuses for practicing polygamy the same as women make excuses for not wanting men to practice it. The thing of it is-no excuse is usually good enough for women and men do not need an excuse. Allah made it permissible for men to have more than one wife, and gave him the physical and mental capabilities to do so.
When women hear men say they engage in polygamy to help humanity, it sounds like… “going Green” or “saving the planet.” Don’t get me wrong; those are wonderful objectives.
The only true reason a man could give for having more that one wife is- ”It is Allah’s decision; It pleased Allah!” Can we really argue with that?
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
February 20th, 2009 on 11:21 PM
Is this site for brothers also? If so I would like to say that I do not have a second wife but I would like to. I do not think it is for everyone but I believe it is a neccessity to maintain the integrity and purity of muslim commnity life. What do we do with muslim sisters who cannot find “decent” muslim brothers to marry? Even when they are willing and able to marry it is hard to find a brother who will treat them with proper balance – spiritually, emotionally, physically, materially and intellectually. Many of them (sisters) will leave the deen anyway or get involved with non-believers or in some cases have affairs with “muslim” brothers without marriage. Or do they turn to another woman which we all know has become increasing common in the general commnuity. You just can’t tell them to fast and take cold showers year after year and think that will satisfy them, esp. if they are warm-bloodied and endowed with normal human nature for love, human contact and sex. For some people, man or woman, this is like torture. What do we do with muslim brothers who wives cannot bear children? Do they just simply show a greater selfishness and col-heartedly divorce his first wife who has been loving,devoted and faithful to him and just go and marry someone else? Sometimes the brothers are selfish and sometimes the sisters are selfish. Which one is it? Or is it both? The best situation is when none are selfish but they all look out for the whole and Allah’s purpose – to worship Him, establish wholesome and happy community life, procreate and propagate. I think we should be team players in marriage. I think we should be team players on the team of Allah. What are we teaching our kids. We should help to prepare them mentally, emotionally, materially and spiritually for the possibility of polygamous life whether they be males or females. I have seen too many good muslim parents who took the time to choose good family names, raise their children in Islam, etc. but be satisfied with them marrying non-muslims (disbelievers) rather than accept polygamy. Then their grandchildren have last names like jones, williams, brown, etc. The daughter or son living with a non-believer everyday becomes weak in the faith, their grandchildren get confused and become weak in the faith and in some cases they all stop practicing Islam altogether. How can the community life become rich and vibrant when we continually take one step forward and two or three steps backward. As Muslims we should make polygany work for the good of our Deen and for the glorification or our Lord. Sometimes it is not polygamy that is the problem. It is that the parties involved do not click. That happens in monogomous marriages as well. That is why it is important for the first wife to accept it from the beginning rather than resist and give her husban a hard time and then help in the selection if possible. She should help find a sister that fits in or is compatible with the their particular family situation. I know this sounds too idealistic but if it is poosible then the odds are better that everyone will get along better and be happier.
I would like to see sisters and brothers in polygamous marriages work harder to be fair and balanced and to make it work properly. They should find the peace and happiness that Allah wants them to have within the family unit. They should become good examples for others to see and learn from. They should share everything possible, help or support one another, study and pray together. Well this is my “two cents”. Al Hamdulilah!
February 21st, 2009 on 11:37 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum, Fred
Yes, this site is for brothers, as well. Thank you much for your comprehensive comment. Insha Allah, after we thoroughly review it, we will send you an indepth reply. Insha Allah, revisit our site again soon and comment. Your comments are always welcome!
Anabellah
February 22nd, 2009 on 8:23 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum, Fred
I like what you said about being team players on the team of Allah SWT. That is profound! Alhumdiallah!
March 3rd, 2009 on 5:20 PM
I noticed, in observing Alex, it was not easy for him to go from monogamy to polygamy either. In retrospect, I somewhat realize how extremely difficult it was for him. It was particularly difficult for him to tell me that he was going to marry Carolinah.
I had noticed for a few weeks that something was different about him. He seemed preoccupied, lost in thought. I just thought he was experiencing problems in his workplace. Then, a couple times he mentioned he was feeling “pressured.” I just assumed he would elaborate on what was bothering him when he was ready.
Then, one day, out of nowhere, he just told me that he was going to marry Carolinah. He had known Carolinah prior to marrying me. I knew of her, but did not know her. He married her three and a half weeks later. (This is a man that I married, considering he had said he had no interest in polygamy, could not understand how any man who want more than one wife, married me in a civil ceremony and more….)
I could tell Alex was experiencing a lot of pain and anxiety in dealing with the situation. I saw that he hurt when I hurt. I just couldn’t understand, at the time, why he would decide to do something that was causing him and me so much pain. After all, he was still the tender, loving, kind person that he had always been towards me. I asked myself, so then why is he doing it? I wondered why he just didn’t divorce me and be with her.
Now I realize he, just like most people, rationalized why he was doing it and why he did it. It took me a very long time to face the fact that he wanted to do it; he strongly desired it. Nothing was going to stop him from fulfilling his desire. What he wanted was far more important to him than me and what I was going through. Only now am I beginning to realize the absolute Truth that it was Allah’s SWT decision.
I thank Allah SWT for giving Alex a tremendous amount of patience with me as, not only was I an emotional mess, I was a terror… my behavior was unbecoming of a Believer and pretty much downright despicable. I’m too embarrassed to tell you how I reacted and some of the things I did; although you don’t know me.
I had to rewrite this, as I realized I wasn’t “keeping it real.” Some questions and comments from all of you out there would help me posts and comment, Insha Allah.
May Allah have Mercy on me, Alex and all of us!