Am I Special in Polygamy?
by ana on Mar.12, 2009, under my journey
I didn’t feel special anymore. I knew when I received flowers from Alex, Carolinah received them too. How special is that?
You see…Alex is a very stringent, organized, and structured person. That is how I see him. I explained to Alex that he did not have to give Carolinah and me the same material things, as we are different people from different backgrounds, with different tastes, and different likes and dislikes. Nonetheless, Alex wasn’t hearing me. I found out so much about Alex and Carolinah just by what he began to do for me and buy for me.
Alex asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. It was the way he asked that caught my attention. I thought, Oh well, I guess he took Carolinah to the movies. He said he was thinking about getting yoga lessons for me. Why? I do my workouts at home. I enjoy and prefer it that way. I never asked him for any lessons. But, oh, OK, I se;. Carolinah might be getting a bit chunky and needed or wanted to go to the gym. Alex asked me to go jogging with him. I assumed he’s been jogging with Carolinah, or would begin. When Alex and I started dieting and documenting our weight, I assumed he and Carolinah were doing the same. And they were.
What’s happened over there with Carolinah, Alex pretty much tried to make it happen over here with me. Am I special?
I try to do the opposite of whatever Alex presents to me, now, without discussion. I try to keep my individuality. No, I’m not going to jog with Alex; first, it’s just not something I like to do. No, I’m not going to do a diet with him and her. No, No, No… I am living polygamy, but it’s not HBO’s “Big Love”.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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April 17th, 2009 on 8:24 PM
You are special. Being fair and doing different things are two separate issues, maybe you need to remind Alex about this. He is married to two very different people, so while it’s important to be fair to both of the women he loves that doesn’t always mean doing the exact same thing for each one. I understand he’s trying to be equal, but just like two pearls are each different so are you and Carolinah. The differences should be celebrated as unique. That doesn’t mean either one of you are loved any more or any less, just different.
You can’t expect to do the exact same things for people who enjoy different things. I would think that would make both of you feel slighted. Perhaps over time he will understand that being equal isn’t just about doing the same thing for both of you or with both of you.
For example… I know it’s not the same thing, but I love both of my sister in laws. They are very different people, I have a special relationship with both of them. I always spend the equal amount of money on the gifts I give them, but they are very different gifts. I’ve taken the time to think about what would be special to them as individuals. When I do things with them alone without each other we do different activities, because they both enjoy different things. That doesn’t mean I have a favorite. I love them for each of their individual qualities.
M
April 21st, 2009 on 8:01 PM
M, I like the analogies that you used to show how Alex could be fair to both Carolinah and Me and at the same time do different things with and for us. Perhaps with some time, he would begin to understand that.
Do you think men just think differently when it comes to determining what gifts to give? For instance, I’ve heard, read and seen situations where husbands give wives appliances (a new microwave oven, vacuum cleaner) and things like that for special occasions. The wives got angry and said the gift weren’t personal. Could it be that a lot of men just aren’t detail oriented or is gift giving just too complicated for them to figure out?
Alex is just very different. I could tell him what I want and he’ll say something like-you don’t need it; what wrong with what you have. You say you need money to pay off debt, but you go out and buy… and you didn’t need it. So, it’s more of a matter of me getting what he wants me to have.
I tell Alex to just give me money when he gives Carolinah something or whatever and I’ll just go out and get what I want. Nope, he puts the money aside for what he’d like me to have in the future.
What’s so funny is- I remember watching a Spike Lee movie, “Mo’ Better Blues.” The Denzel Washington character bought his two girlfriends the exact same red dress and the girlfriends went to a particular club, the same night, at the same time, wearing those dresses. They were both all happy and smiley until they saw each other.
I intend to use your examples. They are simplistic and very easy to understand. Perhaps it would help Alex and others like him get it right. Thank you, M!
July 31st, 2009 on 6:20 PM
I can understan u feel upset but try n think of it this way he could give only her n leave u out totally. U wouldn even know. Take comfort n make shukr that u are included n part of everyth in his life. There are lots of men who sneak n do stuff for n with only one wife neglectin the other.