The Embarassment of Polygamy
by ana on Mar.13, 2009, under my journey
Living polygamy is something I don’t flaunt. It is very humiliating for me. One might ask how I could be ashamed of something the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did.
As most people very well know, polygamy in any shape, form or fashion is “illegal” in America. Debating it could be an entire blog in itself. The only time I concern myself with the legal aspects of polygamy is when I concern myself about my Marriage License. Polygamy is, needless to say, extremely beneficial to me in negotiating a divorce settlement.
Many times, when I was angry with Alex, I reminded him that polygamy was illegal in America. I try not to let talking about polygamy, nor living polygamy invoke any fear in my heart. I try very hard to fear Allah and Allah alone.
Of course I don’t go around talking about Alex and his other wife to strangers. Only my non-Muslim immediate family, Alex’s non-Muslim immediate family, my best friend and his family, whom I’ve spoken of before, of course, knows. My Muslim friend Abdul knows, as well.
Abdul is cool to talk with on the phone. He’s from another country. His advice and his perspective on polygamy, as he has seen it lived in his country gives me solace. (Let’s not go there about whether I should communicate with Abdul. Perhaps the permissibility of male/female co-conversing could be a whole entire blog by itself, as well.)
Oh, I forgot to tell you. A non-Muslim co-worker knew as well. When I told her, she said she would divorce Alex if she were me. Another time she asked me if I really needed a man. I said, “Yes”. I think she wanted to add-that badly. Did I really need a man that badly; she wanted to ask. Anyhow, does it really matter what she thought? I just needed to talk.
It seems as though just as many Muslims as non-Muslims reject polygamy. That alone is enough for me to feel the shame….the embarrassment.
The shame and embarrassment that living polygamy causes is more evidence that there is a need for polygamy 411.
-
As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
April 16th, 2009 on 11:43 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Pliggy,
Woh, your words were way harsh starting out. I felt I was under attack for a moment. You spoke the TRUTH, giving me a whole lot to contemplate. I’m not going to rush into an in-depth reply now. I don’t even think a comment from me is necessary. I am pondering and, Insha Allah, will continue to ponder the questions and answer them myself with the help of Allah.
Thank you much for all you’ve said. May Allah continue to bless you immensely. I pray you receive many, many blessings from Allah for sharing your knowledge, your words! Let’s stay in touch and visit each other often.
April 16th, 2009 on 11:06 PM
“It seems as though just as many Muslims as non-Muslims reject polygamy. That alone is enough for me to feel the shame….the embarrassment.
You are embarrassed because you are a social “outcast”. You are no longer “normal” because most people hate polygamy. Well, you are giving them plenty of reason to hate it! YOU hate it! I would hate it too under your circumstances, but your circumstances are a LONG way from ideal.
Is Ideal possible? That is a question I have for you. Only you can answer that question, and you must answer sincerely.
Stop wasting your time in the pain, and look far ahead, far ahead! Do you see the day when you meet your God? When you speak with God, and when you feel his arms around you that day, you will turn and look at your life. You will see together April 2009, you will see all the pain you have gone through up to that day… because of Polygamy. A life His Prophet lived.
But after that day what will you see? Surely you cannot know now, but you will know THEN! What is it that you WANT to see? Do you want to see yourself leaving your weak and foolish (and sweet wealthy and kind) husband? Do you want your husband to leave his other wife? (And forget all about her!) You must today decide what is the ideal situation for you.
BUT…
We all know that we do not live to have Paradise here, but to learn Gods way and seek Him always. What would your God desire for you? When you are looking at your life, and He (That very BEING that you pray so very hard too!) is holding you in His arms, what would you want Him to see? THIS you must decide today, or soon, with His help of course.
Now I ask a very important question. ARE THEY THE SAME THING? If not, why? Does your God not want you to be happy? Do you not want Him to be proud of you? Why would they be different?
These are questions between you and your God, not between you and anyone else. Not your husband, not your friend, not even your own mother. You…
I certainly hope the very best for you. In fact, I know you will be happy.
July 31st, 2009 on 5:46 PM
We must remember why we are here. Unhappiness is a disease of our minds. We need to know that we are not the thoughts we think. Situations do not make us unhappy but its our thoughts abt the situation that causes us to be unhappy. Our stay in this world is but temporary.
July 31st, 2009 on 6:06 PM
Our goal in this world : ALLAH SWT said HE SWT is a hidden treasure. HE SWT wished to be known so HE SWT created us put us into this world and wants us to search and find HIM SWT and cum back to where we really belong i.e. with HIM SWT. Die b4 our deaths ~ kill our egos . Sufferin cracks open our egos. May we all succeed Inshallah
November 15th, 2009 on 4:28 AM
Take it easy! Just a remark ‘on the bright side’. Trying – unsuccessfully – to prevent me from marrying a second wife my first wife told the following story:
There was a man in Jalalabad at the bus stop who was always very happy. He played the “Banjoo” (like a guitar) and sang songs. A busdriver on the trip from Kabul to Peshawar used to pass and always saw him happy. One day he asked him about the secret of his happyness. The Banjoo player said “I have two wives…”. The driver said “thank you” and left and married a second wife.
And then his trouble started. Pressure. Fights etc. The next time he passed Jalalabad he angrily attacked the banjoo player and said to him: “You did not tell me the full truth”. “It is not my fault”, the Banjoo player replied, “you did run away and did not hear the full story. I was going to say ” … and one is in Kabul and the other one in Peshawar”.
Anyway, I can state that this does not apply to me. I am in Baghdad and my two wives are in Jordan. Besides the fact that I do manage to read more books and write into the 411 blog I actually miss both of them, and do not play the banjoo…
November 15th, 2009 on 12:25 PM
Haji Rafiq,
I wondered how you got a chance to write to us while having two wives. Having two wives takes up a lot of time…It’s a big job. Now I understand. I know you must miss them much. I could see how. It sounds like you’re a good guy.
That story was cute, but I don’t think it was profound enough to impact a man’s decision to engage in polygamy. I don’t think anything a woman says or does would stop a man once his mind is set on it. It was a good try though.
At least your wives have peace of mind while you’re not with them, knowing you’re not with the other. It’s knowing you’re with the other that brings the serious pain. Insha Allah, you’ll get to see them both soon. In the interim, were happy you’re here with us.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
November 16th, 2009 on 3:38 PM
Ana, I can see that you have real experience. Right, it did not stop me, what my wife told me. And, right, it is sort of ‘easier’ on my wives when I am away on business, rather than ‘with the other one’. It took me a little while to understand that, but I suppose it is logical. They feel sorry for my suffering, rather than suffer while I enjoy someone else.
Ah, confusing life we have…
November 16th, 2009 on 4:18 PM
Yes, Haji Rafiq, it is a “confusing life” indeed. I just know that when Alex was away on business for a year away from Carolinah and me, I was at peace and happy. I think Alex was as well, as he had gone through living hell with her and me before he left. Before he left, he said he could not come back to the way things were. When he and I go away on vacations, I experience that peace and happiness all over again, being away from Carolinah, totally out of reach.
Do you enjoy the complication and chaos of it all? I know at times it must be complicated and chaotic. Do you wish you could go back to having an easier life with one wife or do you feel once you’ve been polygamous there’s no going back?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
November 17th, 2009 on 4:49 AM
Going back to which one? Too difficult to choose. It would be rather boring to go back to the first wife and leave the second one and her children. And how can I just leave the first one who was looking after me for so long?
And, if one or both of them would leave me? Would I then marry only one? Totally against my nature, I then would love to marry two with one Nikah. (Dream on …
.