Expectations in Polygamy

by ana on Mar.16, 2009, under my journey

polygamy 411

I had no expectations of polygamy for me other than that it would be a living nightmare. That is how it started out for me, as you’ve come to realize from hearing about my journey thus far.

Alex, being a man, had different expectations. He said he thought polygamy would work between him, Carolinah, and me, as she and I were very “nice” people. He commented often to me about how “nice” the two of us were.

Alex said he thought that since I read Quran, studied, prayed, and tried to practice Islam, the three of us could learn Islam together, and be a “family.” Now that is where I get confused. Alex and I didn’t pray together, read Quran (except a few times) together in all the years we’ve been married. So what made him think things would change now that he married Carolinah? So suddenly we were to do all these things together, as a “family”- OoooKay…

Once Alex said to me, “Sometimes you want something, and once you get it; you don’t want it anymore.” That statement led me to believe things weren’t as Alex had expected they would be. Alex also complained that he didn’t have any time for himself, unlike Carolinah and me.

I try not to expect anything to look like what I thought it was going to look like. I guess here at polygamy 411, you are getting a clear picture of how polygamy is for me.

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6 comments for this entry:

Bilqees
April 12th, 2009 on 4:40 AM
Assalamu alaykum Sister

I stumbled on your blog by accident,…and i thought i was reading about myself,WOW!I too am a first wife,i was his only wife for 12yrs before he married #2.

It’s been 4yrs now,and i think i’m starting to make peace with it.Hubby has never said a harsh word to me,or ever made me feel as if i was lacking something or how we should be getting along because we call ourselves muslim.
But you no what,…I still felt as if there was something i did’nt have or do,it still hurt as hell,and i hated her more and more each day.

Even though hubby assured me that he now realises that the grass is never greener on the other side and that he knows he made a mistake,it still hurts.

Just the mere fact that he’s with another woman,even if it is halaal,doesn’t make it easier.

I blamed her for everything!and hubby sometimes,but he has all the patience in the world with me,algamdulilah.

It started changing for me when i started realising,just like you said,that we can’t put a human being before ALLAH.I still love him to bits and enjoy every moment with him,but i don’t make him the centre of my life.
I’ve become more easygoing,confident and i also realised that people come and go but ALLAH is forever.

I make dua things get better for you soon.

Bilqees
minty
April 12th, 2009 on 5:57 AM
salam alaykum sis, i found your blog link on another poly blog i visit. i am also in a poly marriage…

so i have some understanding of your own situation.. although no poly situation is like another.. i will visit again sis..

take care
minty
Ana
April 13th, 2009 on 10:16 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum Minty

Thank you very much for visiting and commenting. You are so very right-each poly situation is like none other, which is why I’d like to hear more from you about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences with it. I don’t know anyone else in polygamous marriages. I only know me, which is a strange, arkward feeling at times. Insha Allah, I could learn a lot from you and we could all help one another as sisters and become strong together and Insha Allah, enter Paradise.

I’m looking forward to visiting with you again soon!
Take care,
Ana
new#3
April 14th, 2009 on 1:30 AM
Ana, I am not muslim but have been living in a plural marriage for a little over a year and have been blogging on this journey for approximately 2 years. I too have a hubby who feels he has no time to himself, a second wife who is jealous and I of her, as she is very territorial. We live in the same home, three of us and hubby. When you have time read my blog. I will be adding you to my favorite blog list on my page. I know the frustrations and feelings you talk about here and can relate. I hope that you will come to feel more peace.
Ana
April 14th, 2009 on 2:23 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Sister

Hi There Sister Bilqees,

It’s so totally amazing that you and I have so much in common in our marriages. After Alex married another wife, I took a critical look at myself the way I had never done before. I tore myself apart. I think I felt as you felt…maybe there was something I hadn’t done that caused him to turn to another woman. But, I especially blamed the things I had done…things like not being home enough, always making my best friend more important than him (Alex) etc. I was just outright mean and cold.

But we shouldn’t blame ourselves. I’m beginning to understand that more and more each day now. It was written for these men, before they were born, to do exactly what they did. It wasn’t our fault (your or mine) at all.

Something that opened my eyes as well is my search for material on polygamy. I went to an online Islamic bookstore and I saw a book written by a sister about her experience with polygamy. From what I could remember of the description of the book, the sister had a college degree, had a very good job, and a husband who was 15 years older than her. He took a second wife to her surprise and mine as well. I thought he had a good package, especially having a wife much younger than him. Why would he want another wife? I didn’t buy the book because of a review that I read. The person said the sister started the book out OK but then got defensive and went on the attack of how people who don’t accept polygamy are so wrong and messed up. That wasn’t going to help me.

Like you said, we definitely become better people, as a result of our new way of life. My self worth hit an all time low and I had to climb back up. I’m continually climbing. I wonder if the hurt ever completely goes away.

Let’s continue to stay focused on ALLAH and continue to put Him first and we’ll continue to get better.

Let’s stay in touch, Insha Allah.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in!

Ana
Ana
April 15th, 2009 on 6:52 PM
Hi new#3 (Journey In Plural Marriage),

I’ve been reading your blog and your life is very interesting. It’s amazing how the Internet connects us quickly and slowly at the same time. I searched the Internet for the last two years trying to find women who were living polygamy in real life so I could determine if I was just weird.

We have a lot in common. I love doing Yoga. Yoga has been so good for me in helping to calm my mind and help me stay focused.

When you said you took Zanax before going to bed when you first married your hubby, I thought wow; I feel a lot of anxiety before going to bed, since my husband married his second wife. I felt the anxiety when I first married him, as well.

When you spoke of your husband’s second wife being “territorial,” I thought…that is me (It made me laugh.) So, it appears you and I definitely wouldn’t be getting along if we were married to the same man, living in the same house (smile).

Let’s try to stay as strong as we can. I like that saying, “Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”