Why Stay in Polygamy?
by ana on Mar.18, 2009, under my journey
Just the other day, a sister-in-faith left a comment for me that was very profound. It was heavy enough to call for a post of its own. The statement she made gave rise to a question many of you have probably wanted to ask me or asked yourselves.
The sister commented: “I can’t say i understand your need to stay married to this man. Yes, islamically what he did was acceptable but that does not mean you have to agree with it or live with it.”
I sometimes lose focus and ask myself why I stay with Alex. And then I remember why things are the way they are:
Allah has commanded people to patiently persevere and wait on His decision. If Allah has decreed Alex and my divorce or separation, He has not made it known to me yet.
Allah has commanded people to exercise patience in all our affairs (marriage, business, job, etc). I must seek Allah’s help with patience, perseverance and prayer. Allah is the best to decide and He has commanded us to accept His decisions with enthusiasm. Accepting Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm has been my struggle and I continue to struggle with it.
It’s good to remind one another about what Allah says. I thank Allah SWT that He allowed the sister to remind me.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
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April 18th, 2009 on 7:52 PM
Forgiveness is extremely, undeniably important, I totally believe. I have so much hatred in my heart for my husband’s other wife that I can’t even begin to describe it. When I first read your comment, just thinking about forgiving her made me feel the hatred in my heart.
I think some of that hatred in my heart has to be removed before I can start to forgive with sincerity of heart. I have to learn how to forgive, if I want to have a better life in the future. Hate and forgiveness how do those two work together? Can I forgive and still hate? Is that possible?
April 18th, 2009 on 7:16 PM
I read this post on another blog site. It is an interesting story of a polygamous marriage where the 1st wife never accepted the 2nd wife. I found it to be a very sad tale.
Forgiveness is important, don’t you think?
http://mrsnordin.blogspot.com/2009/04/can-you-forgive-and-forget.html
April 18th, 2009 on 10:29 PM
Pliggy with the big nose here again
NO, you cannot forgive someone and still hate them.
I think there are two things, one is forgiveness, and the other is trust. Hate, I can hate what people do, but to hate a person is something wrong with me. Does God hate any of his children? Why should we? You can forgive and love your enemy as Gods child, but you do not have to trust them. But you should never hate what He does not hate.
April 18th, 2009 on 10:58 PM
Good question! But you already gave the answer.
“I think some of that hatred in my heart has to be removed before I can start to forgive with sincerity of heart. I have to learn how to forgive, if I want to have a better life in the future.”
Personally, I have watched several close friends and family members hold on to anger and pain towards others so long that it turned into a bitterness that affected everything in their lives. It changed them and not for the better.
Forgiveness is the balm that cures.
With God’s help you can let go and forgive! Just keep praying for it and He will heal your heart and remove the hatred. Then forgiveness will come and along with it peace of mind.
April 19th, 2009 on 1:26 AM
Ive read through the blog and maybe I missed it but I havent yet learned why your husband married this other woman…what were his reasons exactly?
Which makes me wonder why you hate HER…she didnt force your husband to marry her did she (can she?)…he apparenly did it willingly…and yet you hate her. I dont understand why (but them again Im not you going through your emotions).
On the subject of forgiveness..
My husband of 20 years was very abusive to me but always appeared to be a wonderful father…turns out he was forcing our two daughters to have sex with him…from a very young age. 2 years after divorce, kids with me (3 boys as well) I am consumed with hate for that man…it has changed me in ways I do not like but seem to have no control over. People say Im impatient and rude now (I am) and that Im antisocial (true) where as before I was sociable and easy going (while away from husband and home)…it has ruined the close relationship I had with God…may irreparably…and forgiveness for that man is not even a consideration on my part….but at the same time Im destroying myself with this hate…I know it and want to change it…but I cant seem to physically or emotionally make that decision…to just Let. It. Go. and get on with living and helping my kids to live as well.
Forgiveness is essential for YOU…not necessarily for the other person who may accept it or not…whatever…but hate only destroys YOU and only You can change that….soon as you figure out how…let me know. Good luck.
April 19th, 2009 on 5:49 PM
I really enjoyed this post. I think it’s important to trust in God for his will.
And I saw a comment above about forgiveness: I agree. It is vital to forgive. My father in law told me to forgive my husband and that he would do the rest (give him a good talking to!! lol) when we were upset one night. It took me a day or so but each time we fight now I give myself a few hours of being upset and then try to forgive when I feel calm again. It is such a peaceful release from bad feelings, and especially when he tells me how badly he feels for getting upset.
And I think that if you want to stop hating your husband, you need to try to view him as a creation of God. I tried that one day and it really helped. Then I made a conscious decision to let go of events that upset me and forgive him and rely on God’s protection, and I felt much better.
xx
And Coolred, OMG!! i think it would be terribly difficult to forgive in your situation. But you’re right: hate eats you up, not the other person. My husband hates some things/people and I only see it damaging him, not them. It eats him up inside.
April 20th, 2009 on 1:34 PM
Hi Coolred38
I want to talk to you about what you revealed, but not while rushed. What you said keeps haunting me. What happened to your daughters and to you is… wow. That is all I can say right now. I should be able to talk with you tomorrow. I pray Allah heals you, your family and me.
Ana
April 21st, 2009 on 12:30 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum Coolred 38,
I’ve been trying to get back to you, as quickly as possible. I have experience working with professionals that specialized in the field of child/sexual abuse. In working with experts that deal with families of child/sex abuse, I’ve learned a lot of blaming occurs.
Many times the mother might have suspected her husband was doing something inappropriate to the daughter, but didn’t want to believe it was actually happening. Perhaps she just couldn’t believe it (denial). She thought it just couldn’t be a reality. But, her instinct possibly told her differently. On the other hand, the mother really, truly might not have suspected or known.
When mom finds out the truth, she says it was her fault it happened. If she really didn’t know it was happening, she feels she was a “bad mother,”as she should have known. If mom suspected and overlooked it, she still feels she was a “bad mother.” Mom might think she was not pleasing her husband enough and he turned to the daughter…whatever. We can think of a host of reasons to blame ourselves.
Many times the mom blames the daughter. Mom doesn’t want to believe the daughter, as she can’t and don’t want to deal with the fact that it’s happening. That’s a heck of a thing to believe. Mom immediately reacts by accusing the daughter of lying. Mom might think the daughter did something to cause dad to behave that way. Mother/daughter relationships many times are strained, as it is. Moms sometimes are already jealous of the love the daughter has for the father, and vice versa.
For the children/ the daughters, they blame themselves. They feel they are at fault. They’re usually trapped. The daughters have already been threatened that bad things would happen to them, him, or mom, if they tell. They fear dad will go to jail. They fear mom won’t love them anymore or not believe them. They feel somehow they did something that caused it to happen. The daughters are overwhelmed with guilt.
Mother and daughter feel it is their fault. That’s what must be surmounted. It wasn’t mom’s fault or the daughter’s. Neither the mother nor daughter did anything wrong. The husband/dad was the wrong doer and he is going to have to account to Allah SWT for what he did. Insha Allah, he sincerely repented.
I’d suggest you talk to the girls and explain to them over and over again and try to imbed it in their hearts that they did nothing wrong. You need to forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault. I need to forgive myself. I didn’t do anything to cause Alex to marry Carolinah.
Your girls are going to need a lot of help going forward. What they’ve suffered, I can only imagine is going to cause them a great deal of emotional and psychological distress in the future in their lives with their husbands, if they don’t seek the help of Allah. What has happened to them will either lead them astray or help put them on the mustaqeen. Perhaps you could tell them about the stories of Job and how he suffered, but hadn’t done anything wrong. It was a test. Perhaps you could tell them about the story of Joseph-how he spent time in prison, but hadn’t done anything wrong. Stories like that…
I believe things like this happen to us to bring us closer to Allah. I believe you and your daughters are going to be just fine. Let’s just turn all our attention to Allah. He’ll see us through. Please keep reminding me, as well. We need to remind each other.
April 21st, 2009 on 3:43 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum.. I’m just hearing about this website recently and glad to be able to join such a medium where we are all able to share our thoughts together.
While I decided to share my journey online I received many negative or lets just say not-so-nice replies from women stating that I was a thief and desperate and the list goes on and on to be honest, since pologyny was something that was exposed to me since I was a toddler I didn’t see any harm in..often I do ask myself if I was the only Wife and if he was to take on another would I be able to forgive him and you know what..the answer would be yes just as long as he made me somewhat part of the process.
April 21st, 2009 on 9:00 PM
coolred38
Alex advised me that he married Carolinah because she needed help. She had a dilapidated house that the bank was getting ready to foreclose on, and a teenage son and adult daughter living in her household. He said people were taking advantage of her. For example, people would come to her home, and wouldn’t leave. He said he couldn’t be around her without marrying her, which lead me to believe he wanted to have sex with her.
When Alex first told me that he had been seeing Carolinah again (Alex dated Carolinah for two or three years during his divorce from his first wife, and before marrying me), he yelled at me saying, “SHE COMFORTS ME.” I said, well you and she have a lot in common; you both know nothing about Islam.
Alex said he married her for peace of mind. He didn’t like that I spent so much time away from home. I believe he wanted to get away from practicing Islam and living the way I live. Carolinah knew nothing about Islam. She wasn’t going to make him get up for salat, fast etc. He didn’t have to perpetrate anymore. I don’t want to seem like a “bragger,” but Alex now looks the same way he did when I first met him. He was happier and healthier looking after he and I married and before he married Carolinah.
Furthermore, he said he married her because she was a new Shahadah and they had more in common. Now, keep in mind, when he said that- we were married almost five years and he had been Muslim for those five years. On one of our trips away, Alex asked if I wanted to offer salat with him. I thought wow-that’s different. We probably offered salat two or three times together, during our marriage. I said, “OK.” Afterwards, I told him a thing or two that he needed to correct. To my surprise, it was the last time he and I offered salat together. He apparently just wanted to make sure he was doing it right so he could teach Carolinah.
Alex had benefits in marrying Carolinah opposed to another Muslim woman. He already knew Carolinah and her children. Maybe he realized he still loved her. He now had a new real estate investment (home equity loan together or something out there.) He no longer had to worry about practicing Islam. He could relax, kick back and be Alex.
Oh, you asked why I hate Carolinah. Perhaps it’s misplaced anger. It’s easier to say I hate Carolinah opposed to saying I don’t like Allah’s decision. That sends chills through my body writing it. I pray Allah SWT will let me accept his decisions with enthusiasm-my journey to Him. That’s a book, “Journey to the Lord of Power.”
April 21st, 2009 on 9:34 PM
Faith in Writing,
Thank you for your warm encouraging words.
Just reading your comment made me feel calm and peaceful. Your words were so soft and gentle. Your father in law gave you good advice. Thank you for sharing it with me.
I need to learn to overlook human error, forgive and let God take care of those that He created bare and alone. A friend of mine, Abdul, keeps telling me to put things behind my back, to remind Alex of what he needs to know when he needs to be reminded, and remember people are human not angels.
I feel so much better and happier as I communicate with everyone about my journey. Although, I have to continue writing from where I left off so you’ll know exactly how I got here, to where I am now, as we read and write.
April 21st, 2009 on 9:47 PM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam…
We are very happy you are here. Make yourself at home and, Insha Allah, visit often. You are always welcome.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 21st, 2009 on 10:30 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum gr8fultohimswt
I love that name -gr8fultohimswt-that’s creative.
I think your early exposure to polygyny was a huge, huge blessing to you from Allah SWT. Accepting polygyny is a big hurdle for most women to surmount. Polygyny was the one thing I truly didn’t like about Islam when I became Muslim. I felt I could accept everything except that. I’m like…if we could just get rid of that part. Then I thought, well, I’m safe. I married a man that said he doesn’t want to practice polygyny.
Anyhow, I still was uneasy about not accepting polygyny in my heart, although I didn’t have to practice it. Nonetheless, IT HAPPENED TO ME! Now, here I am, trying to accept Allah’s decision with enthusiasm.
It’s alhamdiallah you ignored ignorance when it came to receiving your “not-so-nice” replies. Once Alex married Carolinah, I joined the bandwagon. I thought she was a desperate “leg gapping ho.”…That’s putting it mildly. I was just extremely angry, hateful, jealous, envious, arrogant and all those horrible things. I’m here as part of my therapeutic process. At least I hope. I pray Allah forgives me and purifies my heart and lets me enter Paradise.
I’m grateful to Allah for letting us all come together and share.
April 22nd, 2009 on 3:39 AM
Hi again.
Sort of busy here trying to sort out my current family drama…so didnt have time to come check back.
Reading though all your lists of “blames” all I can answer is from personal experience.
I never suspected him…ever. Not one moment in our marriage (shit that it was..sorry) did I see, hear, or suspect anything on his part to draw my attention and say …hmmmm? having said that…from the moment my older daughter whispered out those dark words…I believed her without hesitation…I knew her…I knew him (relatively speaking) and realized in an instant that is was true (and of course hindsight comes along and lets you see crystal clear what was hidden before).
Ive never blamed my girls…never shown them for a moment that they had any fault in this dispicable act on his part….however…this Muslim community has been quite forthcoming in laying the blame unfairly and squarely on their heads. Much drama there.
From personal experience this has not brought me closer to God…my relation before with Him was quite close and comforting…it has only moved me away. Once again…not something I wanted but cant seem to help.
Muslims (people) say that things happen to teach us lessons and make our faith stronger….for the life of me I cannot fathom why little children need to be used in such a heinous way to “teach a lesson or make our faith stronger”…..thus my distance from the God I depended on so needfully before.
Concerning Alex’s answer about marrying Carolinah…it seems he just wanted his cake and eat it too…quite a popular thought process when it comes to “Muslim” men fullfilling so called religious obligations…polygany is an accepted option by God…under the right conditions etc…but its not an obligation…so there was nothing religiously to take that step…he took it for purely selfish reasons…(my own opinion)….and now seems to want you and her to “fix” the problem he created by just “getting along and working it out” etc….again …selfish.
Ive often wondered…the Muslim women here in the middle east…while not looking any more eagerly at the potential for polygany then anywhere else in the world…are raised to possibly expect it…so its always there as a possibility…but Muslims in the west are not really raised that way…and new muslims probably have no exprience with it at all…but still seem to view it as a “normal” step…at least the men do (I can understand the attraction from a mans point of view)…but western convert women have relatively no experience with the idea of ‘sharing their man” accept to in regards that he is cheating on you…so how they even come close to accepting polygany I will never understand.
April 22nd, 2009 on 10:25 PM
Coolred38
Hey there,
I know about being busy, overwhelming busy, and I don’t even have kids. Everything seems huge to me. Sometimes I imagine my life with kids and with the disposition that God gave me. Given that scenario, I envision myself being institutionalized ([psych ward), as well (Smile).
Life is strange. Monumental things happen in our lives that sometimes distance us from God, only to have us go back to Him even stronger. I believe you didn’t know what was happening to your girls when it was happening. Like you said, we look back and say yeah…Now I remember when and when…. For instance, when Alex told me that he was going to marry Carolinah, it made me begin to think about the two of them. I remembered one of Alex and my conversations, which took place just two years after he and I were married. He came home and told me that Carolinah had just bought a house to be closer to her job. I suspect now he had been communicating with her back then, and possibly was with her throughout the purchasing of her house. It’s all suspect. I never asked him.
You said the Muslim community blamed your girls for what happened. That’s not surprising at all. It happens in every community, everywhere. People have no evidence, but want to take a position based on how they feel and what they want to believe. It has to be extremely painful for you, living daily with what happened. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain that you must feel from having something so horrific happen to your children and then, on top of it all, have people blame your children without knowledge. That is so totally crazy.
We wonder why God does certain things to us, or especially wonder why He allows despicable, heinous things to happen to children. We, however, won’t really, truly know the reason until we see and meet God. We just have such a little, tiny, itty bitty, bit of knowledge that God gave us, but His knowledge is endless. He wrote the script.
I didn’t turn to God and thank Him with enthusiasm for allowing Alex to marry Carolinah, when it first happened. You are now aware of many of the things that I did and many of the wrong people I turned to for hate carolinah support. I was angry with God’s decision. It is not always easy to admit that we are angry with His decision. I disguised my anger with His decision, as being angry about polygamy, angry with Carolinah and Alex…misplaced anger.
Like you said you thought- I too thought I was very close to God. But in reality, how could I have been close to God with so much darkness in my heart? I believe (again, with my little tiny, itty, bitty, bit of knowledge) that despite what we’ve (you, your family, me, and the rest of us out there) experienced and are experienceing, God will bring us closer to Him, if we sincerely turn to Him. We have to keep reminding ourselves and each other not to question God, as it could make us lose all our Faith in Him.
We have to go back to God, grab on to Him, and hold real tight. If we don’t, it’s guaranteed that we are just going to experience far worse than we already have and we will experience the far worse in this life and the next.
April 23rd, 2009 on 3:10 AM
You’re right coolred38. We that have grown up in the USA know nothing about sharing a man other than him “cheating.” Alex wanted to “cheat” on me with Carolinah. Therefore, he “married” her so I would not be able to complain about it. He could now justify having sex with her, spending the night with her and giving her our (his and my marital assets) monies. I could argue with him about his reasons for practicing polygamy and why he shouldn’t do it, which I did. But what difference did it make….
Yep, he wants her and me to fix it and make his life easier, but as far as I can see, at least at the moment…it ain’t happening. He could wallow and suffer in it his new life. I don’t intentionally do anything to make his life difficult anymore. In fact, I’m very accommodating to him. I do good things for him and I am very kind to him all the while remembering God, trying to get blessings from God.
June 6th, 2009 on 1:21 AM
coolred38 i wish you would contact me. i am a survivor of sexual abuse. The sadness is still in my heart but it has lessened with Islam. Reading Anas story (for the first time) has brought tears to my eyes and activated my deep sadness. Ana I hope things become easier for you ameen.
June 6th, 2009 on 12:22 PM
Umm Ibraheem, I am so happy you are here. I love how you reached out to coolred38. (We love coolred 38.) That is what it’s all about-all of us trying to help one another, reaching out and being there for one another…just knowing someone is listening brings much solace, as well. We need one another. Only God is One! Thank you much Umm Ibraheem.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
July 17th, 2009 on 10:40 PM
The Qur’an, 4:129 clearly states that men are not made with two hearts. No matter how hard you strive, you cannot treat them equally (in terms of feeling). The Qur’an also says, “If you know what’s best for you, marry only one.”
Clearly, God knows better than we do. Unfortunately, men and women who enter into polygamous marriages are arrogant enough to think they know better than God. Also, they are arrogant enough to think that they should be ranked alongside God’s appointed Prophets, (pbut) and their wives — that they can measure up to the Prophets and their wives.
July 17th, 2009 on 10:55 PM
Someone on the blog mentioned forgiveness and that the newer wife should not be blamed. Simply put, for every man who does this, there’s a woman who is willing. It takes two to tango. Both parties are greedy and selfish. Muslims should do a survey of polygamous relationships to find out how many households are happy and how many are torn apart. In my experience of working with elementary school kids and knowing older kids from this background, the result is troubling. These kids have psychological and emotional problems.
The question is, what is the point of polygamy? Don’t we have enough problems in monogamous marriages?
What would Muslims do when the world’s demography show that there are more men than women? China and India are heading toward such a gender imbalance.
July 18th, 2009 on 10:57 AM
What’s up, I tend to agree with you that there is probably a lot of arrogance in many men that practice polygamy. It gives them a certain amount of self-importance, a boost to their egos…look at me; I’ve got two wives. I’m a king (he thinks, so to speak.) I saw it in Alex when he first got married. I try not to ask him if he’s happy any more. The first time he said yes. He said he was blessed; he’s has two women that love him. It made me want to barf. I asked him recently and after he said, “Yes”, I cut him off, as I knew what coming next…”I got two women that love me.” I’m thinking-keep it to yourself. Why ask? Do I get the truth? Maybe he is still feeling like a king with a mini harem.
Thank you for coming over and visiting, What’s up
Your comments are always welcomed. This is an open house. No need to knock just come on in.
July 18th, 2009 on 11:29 AM
What’s Up, I’m glad you spoke about the effects polygamy have on children that are a product of a polygamous household. Someone on the blog previously asked that question and I don’t think it was answered. Thank you for sharing your firsthand knowledge and experience with all of us.
You called it right; there’s always a willing woman ready to indulge in the delights of being with a married man, a monogamous or polygamous one. I’m sure they’re just concerned about their desires being fulfilled. Why else do it? What subsequent wife really cares about the first wife? If they did, they wouldn’t have done it, married a married man.
Like you said, there so many problems in monogamous marriages; why would men compound it? Do polygamous men even care about making the marriages work, or do they just escape from one to the other?