Polygamy – Don’t Talk to Me
by ana on Mar.19, 2009, under my journey
Every now and again, Alex tells me that he has no one to talk to (about his life-living polygamy.) His mother says she won’t discuss it with him. As polygamy is illegal in the USA, Alex’s best bet is to keep his mouth shut when it comes to speaking about it to non-Muslims.
Alex wants to discuss polygamy with me. He wants to discuss him, Carolinah, and me-our lives together. I won’t hear it! I refuse to let him talk about her to me. I have enough going on trying to keep up my sanity through all this without Alex burdening me with talk about him, her and me. I told him not to mention her to me.
I get curious about Alex and Carolinah quite often; however, I’ve learned to restrain myself when it comes to talking about the two of them.
I wonder how Alex maintains his sanity.
-
As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
April 13th, 2009 on 5:59 AM
I just read through your blog.. and even wrote a post on my own blog about it. I am third wife in a polygynous situation with four wives. Polygyny is hard, and I think you need to figure out why it would be beneficial to people, as otherwise it would not be a recommendation from God.. there must be wisdom in it. And I am sure with sincere asking and prayer you will be given the wisdoms..
April 13th, 2009 on 10:39 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum 3rdlady,
I agree with you 100%; there is a tremendous amount of wisdom and good in polygamy. Like you said there are many benefits in it, as well. I’m struggling with my emotions and my dislike of sharing a husband and his wealth- my inner Jihad.
Thanks for visiting! Come visit and share again soon, 3rd lady
Sister Ana
April 13th, 2009 on 11:39 PM
Hi Donald
Thank you for visiting and I will, Insha Allah, go to 3rd’s blog to read your reply. I thank you for your well wishes.
When I speak of surviving polygamy, I’m really speaking of persevering in it and not running away or bailing out, not resorting to divorce. I think I am at the point now in which I am maintaining my sanity.
I believe polygamy is very good for me. I’ve seen and experienced a lot of good in it already but the hardship of it all has been blocking my focus on and enjoyment of it. I still have a long ways and many hurdles to get over while going through the purification process that would hopefully get me into Paradise. I believe Allah SWT is going to see me through it.
I don’t know what Allah has decreed for my husband and me, but I know our intentions are to stay married. I can’t speak for my husband’s marriage to his other wife. That is separate entity. I’m trying to accept polygamy with earnestness; however, I don’t believe I have to accept his other wife. I only need to accept that they are married, and afford her the same kindness and courtesy that I’d show any Muslim. So kindly forgive me if I don’t view her as my sister wife, or co-wife. She’s My husband’s wife, to me.
April 13th, 2009 on 10:40 PM
Hi Ana. I’m a regular reader of 3rd’s blog and have just posted a reply to you there. It’s long (and pretty direct) so I won’t repeat it here.
I really do hope you, your husband, and your sister wife can work together to create a marriage that is a true blessing to each of you, and not just something to be survived.
April 14th, 2009 on 4:11 AM
Salaam,
I am a second wife…and I am also a friend of 3rd’s. That sounds funny when you say it out loud….I have a blog but it is private….Polygyny is hard but it is workable…it gets better with time….well not really but a little….some days are good and some days are really really really bad….this is a rollercoaster…and most of the time it is not too much fun…
April 14th, 2009 on 9:35 AM
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I think your emotions are so real and what most women who live polygamy feel. However; the true test for us is how we react to those feelings.
It is a life long process to become the person God wants us to be. But we can become that person!
CM
April 14th, 2009 on 2:24 PM
I can’t say i understand your need to stay married to this man. Yes islamically what he did was acceptable but that does not mean you have to agree with it or live with it.
April 14th, 2009 on 3:40 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Umm,
Hi There Umm,
I appreciate your question. Allah has commanded mankind to patiently persevere and wait on His decision. If Allah has decreed Alex and my divorce or separation, He has not made it known to me yet.
Allah has commanded mankind to exercise patience in all our affairs (marriage, business, job, etc). I must seek Allah’s help with patience, perseverance and prayer. Allah is the best to decide and we are commanded to accept His decisions with enthusiasm. Accepting Allah’s decision with enthusiasm has been my struggle and continues to be.
Umm, from time to time, I keep asking myself what you just asked me and then I remember why things are the way they are. It’s nice to be able to remind each other. Thank you for reminding me.
Let’s keep in touch. This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in!
April 14th, 2009 on 4:14 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum CM
Hi There!
It is tremendously theraputic for me to speak to you about my experiences. I am so thankful to Allah that you are here to listen and care. Thank you for spending time with me.
You could only imagine too well how I’ve bombarded those few people close to me with my woes. It was only a matter of time before they began to start taking cover-smile (Allah knows best.)
Sharing my actual feeling and thoughts gets embarassing a lot. I don’t re-act anymore the way I did when I first began practicing polygamy. Thank Allah much! I’ve gotten a whole lot better, but undoubtedly have a long ways to go…like you said-a life time. I can do it with the help of Allah. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Let’s stay in touch. This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in!
Ana
April 15th, 2009 on 5:41 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Ummabdur-rahmaan,
The first ride that I got on to polygyny was more like a cyclone. But, you’re right; it does get better. It turned into a rollercoaster and many times I wished I could just stop the ride and get off. The conductor is Allah and the ride doesn’t stop until He says so. Very soon, Insha Allah, it will be more like a merry-go-round for us. You know the saying, “Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Insha Allah, the ride will take us into Paradise!
I’d really like to hear more from you. You said you are “a second wife” in polygny. Please share some of your experiences, thoughts, and feelings, as another wife in polygny.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
April 15th, 2009 on 8:33 PM
Hi Donald,
I read your comment that you left for me. It touched a lot of nerves.
No! I cannot talk with my husband about his other wife right now under any condition or circumstance. Whenever I speak to him about her in a roundabout way, my blood pressure rise and it takes everything within my being not to freak right on out.
For me, it is best that I leave them in their own world far away from me right now.
You have given me much to think about and I appreciate it greatly.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 15th, 2009 on 8:45 PM
Hi Donald,
Below, I have posted the reply that you left me. You were concerned about it being long and “pretty direct,” but it’s OK. That’s what blogging should be about, speaking frankly.
Donald said:
3rd, good on you for keeping things balanced by following up Megan’s ‘fairy tale’ with Ana’s ‘nightmare’. I expect the venonymouses will be hear shortly with their ‘I told you sos’.
Ana, my heart goes out to you, but if I can be bold enough to speak plainly, I think you’ve missed the point. I don’t wish to put words in 3rd’s mouth, but I’ve been reading her blog for a while and I don’t think her goal is to ‘survive polygamy’. I think she wants a great deal more than that. If you see yourself as the victim, and survival as your only goal, then that is the best you should ever expect.
For me, this line from your blog sums it up:
‘I never really had any expectations of polygamy for me, other than knowing it would be a living nightmare.’
I’m sure it sounds presumptuous of me to speak about these things, since I’m neither Muslim nor in a polygamous marriage, but I do believe there are some universal principles of life that apply here. Your attitudes and expectations shape your potential (or lack thereof).
Let me share from my own life… A few years into my marriage, my wife and I had real problems. In counseling, it came out that she had even considered leaving me. How could this be? I was committed to the marriage! I knew we had problems, but I wasn’t about to run away. I was going to survive marriage! I was committed for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, blah, blah, blah! But then a truth hit me between the eyes… Was I committed to making our marriage survive, or was I committed to making it better? Richer? Healthier?
How about you Ana? How do you see yourself and your marriage? Are you endlessly treading water to keep from drowning, or are you swimming for shore? It’s a long way but I think your husband wants to go with you. How can he do that when you won’t even let him talk to you about the reality of your marriage (based on your latest post)? Read Megan’s Polyblog. There is hope, but you must choose to keep hope alive.
One last thing that struck me about your story. You say your husband ‘didn’t try to take [your] days deliberately. He just didn’t know how it was supposed to work.’ It sounds like he wants things to be better, but he’s not taking responsibility for his own failure to lead in a loving way. How is it ‘supposed to work’? Forgive my being presumptuous again, but that sounds like the question of a very legalistic man.
Forgive me also for finishing with a quote from the Bible. I know you are Muslim, but there is truth in these words that can turn around your marriage if you and your husband let it. Legalism and my personal rights must bow to a greater principle if joy is to be found in marriage. These words are often quoted in Christian marriages — if only we lived by them!!
‘If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.’
‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’
‘Love never fails.’
April 15th, 2009 on 10:08 PM
Ana, I’m blown away that you should want to include my words here, and by the way you’ve welcomed me even though I can never truly know what it is to walk in your shoes. I only just read your first post where you openly stated that the discussion is for Muslims, so I feel honored that you made an exception for me. I will try and respect your wishes to refrain from discussing ‘other ways of life’ while still being true to myself and my own beliefs. By all means call me out if I’m out of line with any comment. This is your place and I’m a guest here.
I can see that you are someone who wants to be honest about your own feelings, and I think that’s where the healing process has to start. I was critical of you for not wanting to talk to your husband about things, but I think I really underestimated your pain and how difficult this is for you right now. I confess, I also had not read all your posts when I commented before. Reading them now has given me a better understanding of the situation. I should have done that before saying so much. I see what 3rd means when she talked about your husband not being ‘on top of the situation’. He has handled all this very poorly.
3rd is right… Any man considering taking a second wife should read your blog. Your story shows why the first wife needs to be a part of this decision. I think there needs to be love and acceptance between the women before this can really work. Perhaps you and Carolinah can get there one day, but it looks like such a long painful road right now.
I do believe in the principles I talked about, but I’m so sorry for underestimating your pain and making it sound easy. Thank you again for the graceful way you responded.
April 16th, 2009 on 12:13 PM
If you want an invite to my blog just send me an email at Ummabdur-rahmaan@hotmail.com with your email and I will invite you. I have to say though that I do not post that often. I just went private cuz I have a sailors mouth and I talk about things that men should not hear….and I have a sick, very sick sense of humor…So enter at your own risk.
April 16th, 2009 on 7:21 PM
You’re very funny…I’d love to have an invite to your blog. My philosophy is why blog, if we can’t keep it real. I’m beginning to find out that posting takes up a lot of time. So I understand you not posting often. I don’t get in bed sometimes until 2 or 3 in the morning… So little time and so much to do. Hear you soon!
April 16th, 2009 on 10:08 PM
Hi Donald,
No need to apologize for the way you responded. We’re “keeping it real”-right? I know that sounds so cliche. It’s just not reasonable that we could read all the posts on every blog we go to. I’m guilty of doing what most people do, pop in and checkout what people said here and there. There’s so much to do, so much information everywhere, and so little time to read it all and do it all.
I’m glad I met you. I edited my introductory post after hearing from you. I had tunnel vision before and you helped open my eyes. Speaking to and hearing from people with varying views and experiences is what blogging is all about… what was I thinking? It’s about having dialogue. Don’t concern yourself about what you say. You’re don’t present yourself as a person who would intentionally out rightly offend anyone’s way of life or religion. I try not to do that, as well.
I’d like to know how you became friends with all of us that are living plural marriages/polygamy/polygany. You probably mentioned it on 3rd’s blog. I just haven’t seen it yet. When you get a chance let me know- OK.
Hear from you soon. Remember- no need to knock. Just come on in.
April 17th, 2009 on 10:49 AM
I wont say I can even approach understanding why women would consent to becoming a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife in this day and age…but I wont judge…everyone has their own burdens etc…but I do want to comment on what the first commentor said…that there must be some good in polygany if God recommended it.
Actually in the Quran God recommends “marrying only one” because being fair and just to more than one is nearly impossible. Polygany is allowed (under certain reasons and with particular requirements met) but the “recommended” state for marriage is just one wife.
As for the good that comes from it…in the past the “good” that came from it was for orphans and widows to gain protection and affiliation within a social system that centered on the tribe mentality. Without a tribe to support and care for her and her child/children she was at the mercy of other tribes when it came to times of war…her husband is dead…if she doesnt marry into her current tribe…she may well end up in another tribe…strengthening their numbers etc. So the benefit was totally for her and her orphaned children…to have protection and affiliation rather then be subject to abuse etc.
Now days…those benefits are non existant and women can pretty much take care of themselves and their children…either on their own or through govt programs or charities etc…so any “benefit” must be looked at through the males point of view. Why does the Muslim man in this day and age feel obliged to practice polygany…where is the benefit to him because clearly there seems little benefit for the women that participate in such a marriage…as many of these blogs (and books…and news stories…and just my observations from living here in the middle east for over 23 years) tells us.
Anyhow, sorry for the long comment…just found this interesting and wanted to commment.
April 17th, 2009 on 3:01 PM
The ratio of males to females appears to have been consistent since the time of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).
I agree with you that in today’s society many women have the wherewithal to care for themselves and their children or they can rely on social services. Assistance is available.
Today’s society, which is financially liberating to women, cannot, however, take the place of a husband. Receiving guidance from strong believing men could be beneficial to the spiritual and psychological development of women and children. Having a strong male figure in a household, during child/children’s formative years is valuable.
Financial independence and financial assistance affect only one part of life. Society cannot comfort a woman. Having a husband does help in limiting fornication and adultery.
For men to engage in polygamy only to fulfill their sexual desires is clearly wrong, and perhaps might lead them to the Hellfire.
In terms of accepting polygamy and liking it myself…Well, as you see, I am constantly battling with it as a first wife. As for being a “consenting” second, third or fourth wife…I just don’t know. Do we really have a choice? I addressed that question in a previous post-”Choice-the Illusion.”
Your comment regarding the tribes was very interesting and informative. It provides a particular perspective on how polygamy was practiced during and after the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) time.
Please make your comments as lengthy or short as you see fit and please comment often. This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 18th, 2009 on 9:17 AM
I understand the need for a father figure in a childs life…and for the need women have for companionship etc…but obviously many of these men who take on this lifestyle have neither means nor desire to ensure the women are treated fairly much less all the children that may come of it.
You mention many times that Alex seems to not understand or cant figure out how to handle the both of you and this obviously stressful situation etc…that seems like something he should have given some considerable thought to before he took that step. For whatever reasons he did take that step (I havent actually realized that yet from my reading)…he apparently thought it was going to “work itself out” eventually. Thats very shallow thinking on his part…and many men dont seem to get beyond even that much….as in…they dont seem to care if the women work it out or continue to suffer…they just get on with it.
I do remember one man who had many wives and hordes of children making a joke that he had no idea what their names were and whose mother was whoms…that doesnt sound like much of a role model when it comes to ensuring polygany is practiced fairly…but time and time again that is basically the scenario we hear about…children with no real fatherly presence in their lives because Daddy has to spend time with the other family as well. Its a no win situation and the children are the biggest losers…just my opinion.
Thanks for accepting me…I hope to continue reading, learning and commenting.
April 18th, 2009 on 3:01 PM
coolred38
I’m beginning to learn from listening to you and others that children do get caught up in it all when it comes to polygamy. It might be similar to children of parents who are separated, divorced or remarried in monogamous marriages-the problems they confront with visitation, child support and all those issues.
It just gets compounded by a child needing to explain polygamy. It might be similar to a child of a lesbian explaining she/he has two mothers. Nothing like that is easy for a child, or an adult for that matter. In this society, a child growing up in polygamy is bound to have problems, as polygamy is not the “norm” and it has to be kept secret to a degree, and not just a little.
I agree with you that Alex was very shallow in his thinking and I agree that most men probably are. Alex always had a tendency to jump quickly into everything without thinking, since I’ve known him. After he married Carolinah, he told me that he didn’t “think things though” before he did it. He hadn’t considered the details of how he would carry it out, nothing. Oh, he did determine how he’d split his pay check between her and me (my marital interest-legal thing). Pretty much, he made up his mind he was going to practice polygamy; he did it and booooom… He said he realized he was wrong in what he did and wants to fix it but it would take time. I just know there has been irreparable damage done to our marriage. It could never be as it was.
I’m interested in knowing more about you and your real life experiences with those who practice polygamy there in the Middle East. I was thinking polygamy would be easier for women to endure who live there. But, a friend of mine from Egypt said the women he knows in Egypt don’t like it. I guess polygamy is not easy for any woman anywhere.
April 18th, 2009 on 10:48 PM
Hello again….I frequent a blog of an American lady that lives in Saudi…married to a Saudi man…she does alot of interviews etc with various Saudi people and recently interviewed a young Saudi lady studying at university…this girls family were polygomous and she has some harsh words to say about it. I will put the link here in case you want to read it.
http://americanbedu.com/2009/04/18/one-saudi-woman-speaks-out-frankly%e2%80%a6/
September 23rd, 2009 on 11:29 AM
I found a lot of your posts interesting as I have been unable to effectively communicate with others about my true feelings so you blog was very helpful in reading. A little about myself. I am a black african born in america (althought born in america I hope you don’t mind I dislike calling myself american for various reasons as it relates to history and culture), anyway, I am in my late 20′s pushing 30. I am not a muslim but I am currently dating a African Man who happens to be Muslim. I am in the African Diaspora. I was engaged to another african man whom I never actually had a chance to meet face to face which is how I ended up talking to the current guy. Long story short he comes from a very traditional west african muslim family of polygamists, in fact his mother was one. When he left africa in search of a better life here in America he didn’t plan on meeting or marrying an American woman. Not to mention that his father had already began talks for an arranged marriage for him. After approximately 8 years his family and fiance family were still unsucessful with obtaining a visa for his fiance and he was exhausted with all the efforts and money that went into this. I knew that he was engaged prior to dating him but I also knew that he said it was over. Which is one of the reasons I had considered not marrying my fiance whom I never met face to face to pursue a relationship with. Now that we been dating for a litlle while I never expected to develop strongg feelings and emotions for him. I thought we would just be friends.
Now he has announced to me that he is very much interested in a future with me meaning marriage and children, etc. However there was still the question of the women back home who was supposedly maryying him. I explained to him since day one that I do not want to share him with another woman because most Americans and some africans told me that polygamy is highly favored amongst alot of african people. He agreed that he only wanted to be with me and that he would began his talks with his father to cancel the previous arrangement with his fiance. However, although the father is in favor of allowing him to marry me whom they consider an American the father is still reluctanct to disallow him from marrying the girl.
Now my man has presented me with yet another challenge. He told me that he didnt want to go against his family blessings because life for him would be messed up. I guess alot of has to due with culture, respect of family, tradition, and him fearing that if he just goes about it the wrong way by marrying me and only me that someone will try to make problems for us. So in the meantime he says that because his father is in business with the girls family it wouldn’t cause problems for my man but yet his father and the rest of his family.
I know that my guy really cares for me but as a woman who has been practicing african culture for a while I am very familiar with polygamy however I never wanted to choose this for myself.
What I mostly afraid of is that he will go and marry the other women and share the same type of affection shared with me as a married couple. That she will ultimately be head over heels for him and as a result lean towards her moreso than me. I also fear that she would have all his children and subsequently maybe I wouldn’t be physically able to have any so he therefore would favor her more than me. I love this man a lot and I know his feels the same. We have been discussing this issue for about a week now and he has basically given me an option or choice either i accept it and we stay together forever or I reject it and go and let him honor his family decision for him.
He says to me that is hard for him because he doesn’t want to lose me and event though this situation existed before me that if I go his life will never be the same. For the first time he even broke down in front of me which for a man from his culture is cliche to do unless some one died or something. So I know it hurts him because if it was up to him and he wouldn’t be dishonoring his family he would be with me and only me. So now I share in the confusion, hurt, paing, and agony with him because he knows that I don’t accept this. But really he can only keep talking to his family and try to help them to understand that he just wants me and that they should find someone else for the girl.
Me and my guy are close in age but the girl is almost 12 years younger than him so I’m bothered by that as well. Also there is the fear that he will become a citizen and leave me for her. It’s a lot for me to handle but I feel confused as to what to do. He reassures me that that won’t happen that he will spend two or three years with me and then 3 or 4 months back home with her. I told him in order for this to work I would have to be the first wife, the other wife would have to continue to live in Africa and not come here to the states to live permanently. I argue with him that the biggest part to me that upsets me is that he would be sharing intimacy with her and that if it wasn’t for that nothing else about the situation would bother me. While it would be unheard for him to have a wife he didn’t sleep with he still claims that he would favor me because we would ultimately be spending the most time together which is true. When asked I said to him would about when I go to visit his family and I have to see his other wife he said that we would all stay in the same house and have seperate room and he would alternate days with each wife. Because he comes from a strong well to do African family I told him that I would feel out of place when we all gather together seeing that I can’t speak or understand his language or eat certain foods that I would feel like a real outsider and that would make me feel distant he promises that he would always attend to me so that I don’t feel out of place or left out. But to me as I been told by many that saying something and doing something is two different things.
So I need advice! I wouldn’t have to convert to Islam is I don’t want to even though he would like me too. He accepts mostly everything about me even my cultural and spiritual beliefs. And while I would get most of his time I know he’s a good man I’m just afraid of being betrayed, hurt, lied to and abandon as time pass by. Any advice anyone?
September 23rd, 2009 on 2:01 PM
Ab said:
“Any advice anyone?” That is a tempting question, since just about everyone likes to hear themselves give advice, myself included. In this case, my advice would be towards simplicity. But having read your complete message, you impress me as someone who is infatuated with complications, so I know my words would be ignored.
September 23rd, 2009 on 3:13 PM
No Judith. We’re not letting off that easy. I’d like to hear what you have to say and I’m sure Ab would as well. We would appreciated if you would oblige us with your welcomed advice that was requested.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 23rd, 2009 on 3:21 PM
OK Ana, you have a point. I’m with you. Ab, my advice to you is twofold.
1. To this man, about whom you specifically write, walk away completely, and without hesitation. Say goodbye with civility, but don’t explain yourself.
2. To yourself, focus then on the guideposts, and then on the milestones that you need to accomplish in order to be guided. Bring into your life only those things, and those people who abide. Give to people only those gestures which contribute, and let everything else go. This question of which you write, has entirely to do with you, and nothing to do with him.
September 23rd, 2009 on 6:59 PM
Hi Ab, first I’d like to say I’m glad you’re finding the blog helpful to you.
I agree with Judith wholeheartedly. The only thing different that I’d say is that you should run, don’t walk away from him. But our advice would be of no avail to you as it is your ultimate decision and it appears you’ve scrutinized the situation thoroughly enough to know what you need to do. What’s the saying? When in doubt, do without. But, if it’s your fate to become a part of a polygamous marriage with him, there is no avoiding it. You’ll know whether it is your fate, based on whether you marry him or not.
The cons seem to far outweigh the pros for you. You’re considering a marriage with your heart and mind full of fears and apprehension, with your eyes wide open.
His family wants him to marry a girl of their choosing. The family is not being moved by emotions so the likelihood of them changing their position is probably slim. He wants to honor his family’s wishes.
He probably will share a similar type of affection with her as he shares with you. You cited that as one of your fears. He has a desire to be with another woman, so I think he might try to enjoy it. The intimacy thing is the most difficult aspect of polygamy for most women to swallow.
You don’t share the same spiritual belief, although he says he does. One of you is Muslim and one is not. It’s just impossible.
My position is first wife is just a number unless you have leverage with an official government/state marriage license or decree.
You fear he’ll show favoritism. I believe he’ll favor one of you over the other. You won’t know which of you it will be until the relationship develops. He won’t either, as the relationship hasn’t been established yet and he can’t predict the future. I don’t think that simply because he spends more time with you would make you the favorite. You have to take into consideration that she and he, if I’m not mistaken, are from the same cultural background and speak the same language etc.
There is a strong possibility that both of you will have children by him. I don’t know if your fear of not being able to have any is a rational fear unless you have some indication already that you’re reproductively challenged.
You’re bothered by the fact that she a younger woman than you, which she will always will be. That won’t change.
You fear he may get his citizenship and leave you to marry her. That’s a possibility. You don’t expect him to tell you that’s his plan. It may not be his plan, but may be his desire later on.
The only pro that I see is that you love him. How is love going to survive all the obstacles in the way? How are you going to survive the life that you portrayed?
I don’t doubt he loves you, but is love enough?
Now maybe I’m being way harsh. That’s just the way I see it. Perhaps others out there can add or subtract from it. I’d greatly appreciate it, as I think you would as well.
I hope we’ve been helpful thus far, Ab.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 25th, 2009 on 8:49 PM
This man has his feet in two different worlds. I understand his need to keep his family happy. But if he can’t put you at the center of his world (next in line behind GOD, I mean), then the marriage has no chance of working in anything like a happy way.
My relationship is also with a man living in two different worlds, literally and figuratively. Everyone involved is miserable.
I look at it now as something I needed to experience, for whatever reason in my spiritual development. But knowing what I know now, I would have stepped aside to let him go on his way.
He is under enormous pressure, and I actually feel sorry for him.
September 25th, 2009 on 9:35 PM
JeanneT,
My mom, trying to understand my polygamous life, spoke with a young man who was soon to be married. She asked him if he’d eventually take a second wife. He said no. He said he would not be able to give his first wife the love and attention she needs. He said when a husband has two wives neither of the women are ever happy and they both end up not liking the husband. I often think about what she said, and wonder about the validity.
I see the enormous pressure that my husband Alex is under as well, and can’t help feeling compassion for him often. Perhaps that is how women like you and I got into situations like this to begin with-having compassion. I think polygamy is excellent for spiritual development, undoubtedly! Cliché, but without pain there is no gain.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 25th, 2009 on 10:49 PM
BINGO, Ana.
Compassion is the glue, that’s for sure! The spiritual lesson here for me seems to be about seeing just how mean and petty my thinking can be toward him and the situation. So ugly, that I am ashamed and humbled. And yet thankful that I’ve been shown this fault… so clearly.
I thought I was doing OK emotionally, when I stumbled onto this site. Then the emotions came out again like a storm. Yet another lesson learned.
Thank you for your courage, generosity and steadfastness in discussing these difficult subjects.
September 27th, 2009 on 9:10 AM
Off Subject, but I wonder has anyone seen blogs or posts by husbands involved in these activities? Needless to say they probably don’t have the time to be blogging. But I imagine that a lot of them feel like they are in quicksand. I laugh a little about it, but really, it isn’t funny at all.
September 27th, 2009 on 11:05 PM
JeanneT, It’s OK. You’re not off subject. You’re still talking about polygamy or marriage (monogamy is OK too)
Moroni Jessop is one husband who has more than one wife and he blogs. He was one of our invited visitors who has commented on request, and is always welcomed. He commented under “Men that Live Polygamy” and “Polygamy Snaps, Crackles, and Pop”… http://www.moroni-family.blogspot.com.
Another visitor was Abdul Karim. He commented under “Polygamous Wives-Are They Friends”. He thought I was too hostile towards Carolinah. I think we were too hard on him and he never came back. I wish he would visit and comment again. I think we could all learn much from the husbands.
You may have a point there. The husbands may be too busy…keeping the peace, sharing love and getting sleep. They must get awefully tired
.
September 28th, 2009 on 9:34 PM
I had an idea (at one point) that it could work. But my thinking was that the girls would be friends and share a view of having the best of both worlds, as in sharing the responsibilities (for pleasing a difficult customer indeed) and still having plenty of down time.
But the reality was that a lot of it was conducted secretly, not telling the others until after the fact. Which resulted in something quite different from the colleageal relations I had envisioned. And this is an understatement, trust me. Aside from the insult of it, the trust has been destroyed all around.
I feel better today. When I first came upon your blog a few days ago, all the memories of what happened, all the ugly emotions came right back to the surface. I thought I was past the pain. *sigh*
What is done is done.
September 28th, 2009 on 11:06 PM
JeanneT
How weird is that? We can read something and feel our pain all over again. We thought we had gotten past it, but it resurfaces. I’m thinking we just buried the emotions some place and didn’t totally address the feelings, after all. I guess we still have a lot of work to do. You’re right…what is done is done and we must keep moving forward.
I’m glad you’re feeling better today. You’re in my prayers, as well. We’re going to be OK!!!
September 29th, 2009 on 8:49 AM
Post traumatic stress disorder. Flashbacks. Adrenaline surges. Heart racing, chest pressure, goosebumps.
Still amazed it affected me so deeply. I thought I was so much more resilient than that.
This is not going to destroy me. I think in the end, it will be hardest on him. I can’t help him with that. I am ultimately responsible for my own mental health, as is he for his.