We Are Polygamous-Where Are We Going to Live?
by ana on Mar.31, 2009, under my journey
When men consider engaging in polygamy, do they consider where everyone is going to live?
Alex does not like living in the state in which we live. For him, it’s too expensive and blah, blah, blah…but, I’ve lived here all my life and I like it here. I am not concerned about the cost. Allah SWT always provides. Alex, however, periodically brought up the subject; where are we going to live (ten years from now or whenever)? My mind doesn’t go that far into the future. I agreed with Alex that if I were to stop working, I’d live wherever Alex wanted to go, particularly if it would be nearer his work. The agreement was in the Islamic contract that Alex never signed.
One day Alex and I were away again overnight. He asked me, “Where do you want to live?” He said, “I keep asking you and asking you where you want to live.” I asked him if Carolinah would be going with us. He said, “Yes, of course. What do you think?” There is just no end to the freaked out things Alex keeps asking of me. I said, “I’m not going anywhere with you and that woman.”
I asked Alex what I was supposed to do in a STRANGE STATE, with no family or friends there, while he laid up somewhere with Carolinah, or was on a business trip. I asked if he thought I was supposed to sit on a sofa, look at the walls, and imagine what he and Carolinah were doing, or while they were curled up someplace in each other’s arms watching TV? How selfish is that? He was going to be with one of us each night, while Carolinah and I spent half our time alone.
Like in the ”Meet and Teach” that I posted before, the pestering questions from Alex kept coming at me. I told Alex, point-blank, once and for all, I was not going anyplace with him and that woman. I told him to move anywhere and anyplace he liked with Carolinah and he could come and visit me and, of course, continue to pay the household expenses.
So where is Alex going to go? I don’t know….
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
September 6th, 2009 on 1:10 AM
My husband had a Islamic Ceremony with anothewr woman who was and still is legally married to a friend of his. They lied and told an Imam that her husband abandoned her an d fornicated for 2 years than had this mock ceremony. The affair lasted four years from 1992 to 1996. He left home twice for 2 weeks, He would stay with her during the week and come home on weekends. He never told me he married her. She confessed to her husband when they broke up. She was on heroin, and also prostituted to support her habit. He had not heard from her in twele years to September 2008 they met at a hotal in 2009 in October and are forenicating and committing adultery again, Now she is in hijab. My 4 children were damaged by their affair and resnt their father, To date he does not want a divorce. I am fed up and hate the fact that he exposed me to aids. She shot up heroin. Her husband hates my husband and it was quite a scandal in the muslim community. S he called me to apologize in 96 but now is doing the same thing all over again. My husband was not working for 4 years trying to help her get off heroin, I paid all the bills and still do. Today he does odd jobs but still doesn’t pay bills. This is a sad situatiuon.
Renee
September 6th, 2009 on 5:19 AM
You are a strong women in these times of strife. However, you must always think of your children and the overall impact having a polygamus father whom does not take care of his families. Do you love yourself? Whether you answer yes or no, you must still get out this situation immediately. If the woman is herion addict you have a high chance of contracting AIDS. Since you are already paying all the bills, what do you really need him for? Get out while you can sister.
September 6th, 2009 on 1:02 PM
Renee, truly it is a sad situation, but you must believe that you are going to be alright. What you have been through, and are going through is extremely traumatic and that’s an understatement. It has to be very draining, totally exhausting for you. Like Shanah said, “You are a strong woman in these times of strife.”
Renee, I didn’t hear from you what you want to do. I heard you say what your husband wants. He wants to remain married to you. You advised us how you feel. You said you are “fed up” and hate that he exposed you to AIDS. You said your children are damaged by their father’s conduct and they resent him. What do you want to do?
What you have to ask yourself is what I was asked here on this blog-”Why stay?” Only you can answer this question and You have to answer it truthfully for yourself. You do not have to tell us, but you need to know the answers for yourself. Do you want a divorce? Do you still love your husband? Do you fear being without him with the children? Those are just a few questions you should ask yourself.
Sometimes leaving is the most difficult thing to do (and dangerous if you were in a domestic violence situation). When and if it is time for you to leave, you will definitely know it. It might be good to look at some exit plans, if you want to leave. Look at where you would go and what type of assistance you could get to get you there.
It must cause you much anxiety, knowing you were or are subjected to contracting AIDS. I’ve been concerned about my own health in my marriage. When you have unscrupulous parties involved in a polygamous marriage it creates serious health concerns.
It’s the Holy Month of Ramadan. I suggest you continue doing some serious talking to Allah SWT. Ask Him what you should do. Ask Him to guide you to the right decision, and make you strong enough to carry it out. Below is an Iyat from the Quran that should help you:
“Allah indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: And Allah hears the arguments between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things).” Surah 58:1
Renee, we are all here for you… lots of hugs for you.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 7th, 2009 on 1:40 AM
Shanah,Hi…it appears Renee might be ready to take that major step, and get out of the relationship like you urged. She said she is “fed up” and she realizes the effect the relationship is having on her children, and the health risks to her own self. She realizes she is the sole supporter of her family. She might be beginning to realize the cons outweighs any pros, and needed to hear you say she should go.
When I first read her situation, my immediate reponse was for her to flee the relationship as quickly as possible and then I remembered it’s not always that easy, thinking back to some of the situations others had that I was aware of, even my own.
It was very kind and considerate of you to respond to Renee as quickly as you did. I’m sure she appreciated it.
I’d like to hear additional comments you have for her and I’m sure she’d like to hear as well. Thank you Shanah!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.