Polygamy vs. Divorce (I’ll Divorce Her)
by ana on Apr.01, 2009, under my journey
I still continued, in a state of hysteria, to reach out to Alex on days that weren’t my turn. I know you’re probably thinking that what I was doing was “messed up.” You are right. I just did it and kept doing it. Although sincerely distraught, I knew, in the back of my mind, exactly what I was doing.
Alex came over to calm me down a couple of times on Carolinah’s days. I tried to explain to Alex that where he slept nights, with reference to Carolinah and I, counted and that he could see both Carolinah and me on each other’s days. Alex chose to differ.
Nonetheless, one of those not my turn days, Alex came over to comfort me. He said, “I’ll divorce her if you want me to, but I’ll hate you!” What? Now, what was that supposed to mean? He’ll divorce her, but he’ll hate me. Well why on earth would I want to stay married to and live with someone who hates me? That’s bazaar. I don’t even know what the statement means.
Needless to say, I was not going to take part in the decision-making process with Alex on whether he should divorce Carolinah. I don’t even think that Alex divorcing Carolinah would or could be of any benefit to his and my marriage. Our marriage has been turned upside down and twisted around so much; no one can straighten it out, not by Carolinah, Alex, or me.
Allah SWT is The Doer of what He wills. Therefore, I must continue to live life and go where Allah takes me.
My best friend said that I would become a slave to Alex, if I asked him to divorce Carolinah. I would become subservient to Alex, trying to make him happy and keep him happy. The non-verbal or verbal threat of returning to Carolinah or going to someone else would become a tool for Alex to keep me submissive to him.
If anyone reading this post can interpret Alex’s statement -”I’ll divorce her, but I’ll hate you”- I please ask you to share the meaning with me.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
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April 16th, 2009 on 10:34 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Pliggy
I truly believe that you want to help me and you have. It’s so amazing…I was just thinking earlier today that no one responded to that question, and now you have.
Wow, what you said makes sooooo much sense. No one could have made it any clearer than you. When I read your interpretation of the meaning-you said, “It would be my fault if he divorced her, and it would have nothing to do with his love for her”, it brought tears to my eyes. No one I’ve spoken with since he married her ever mentioned that he “love” her. They said he married her for every other reason under the sun. Your words just made that -he loves her- a reality.
Thank you for being so direct and honest with me and kind at the same time. Perhaps that will help move me forward in my healing process. I feel much better now, as I reply to you. I need to stop fooling myself.
Hear from you soon….This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 16th, 2009 on 10:05 PM
“If anyone reading this post can interpret Alex’s statement -”I’ll divorce her, but I’ll hate you”- I kindly ask you to share the meaning with me.”
He will blame you for his divorce of her. In other words he is telling you that it would be your fault if he divorced her, and it would have nothing to do with his love for her.
I am reading, and will post as I go. If I don’t find the answers I am looking for, I am going to ask them.
Please, I beg of you, pleeeeeze know that I came here out of curiosity and I only write because I feel a desire to help you, and I mean that sincerely.
April 17th, 2009 on 9:14 PM
Pliggy is right. It’s because he wasn’t divorcing her of his own will. He was trying to tell you that he would end up resenting you in the long run. Resentment takes root and turns to hate.
March 19th, 2010 on 12:31 AM
Hi anna, i just want to try to interpret that statement of your husband.
Needless to say he loves her. And by saying he will hate you if he divorced her meaning, “the moment he divorced her, he will be sad, so he will hate the reason of his sadness and the reason of his sadness is you, because he will divorced her because of you”.
I hope i made sense.
Ive been reading through chapter by chapter, sentence by sentence and word by word and I feel your sentiments. They are like speaking to me, calling me..
Most of the things Ive read from here are an eye opener, I also shared the link of your blog to the guy “Muslim guy”. I hope you already read my first two comments so you know who I am…
I hope you feel better, if i can just hug you right now and let you feel what i feel so you will feel relief somehow.
Take care.
March 19th, 2010 on 3:05 AM
Hi Anne,
Thank you for taking time to comment on what Alex meant by the statement. I think you’re right. You helped simplify it for me. I was truly baffled when he first made the statement, but have come to understand it.
Initially when I read what you wrote that he loves her, it hurt a bit and my thoughts began to go where they shouldn’t be. (Please don’t worry.) However, I pulled myself together, and began focusing on God and that he knows what’s best for me. It helped me get back to a good place. I thank God for allowing me to do that.
I think about what Alex said. The fact that he said he would divorce her if I wanted him to means much to me till this very day. He has shown me in every way possible that he loves me and that’s special. As long as I don’t focus on him or her or him and her, but focus on God, I’m happiest in my life.
I hope by reading the blog it helps you come to terms with what you are dealing with in your life. You’re a very special person and I believe you are going to be just fine. I send a big, warm hug to you, as well. Take good care of yourself Anne
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 21st, 2010 on 1:29 AM
Dear Ana,
I’m not sure how I stumbled across your site; I think from searching on info on polygamy, etc. I am a new convert to Islam subhanaAllah. I am an american and I think you are too? Anyway, the thought of polygamy appalled me at first. I thought it was nothing more than a license for a man to have multiple wives for nothing but the purpose of wanting someone else to have sexual relationships. However, after researching the polygamy and the reasoning behind it, I have done a 180 on my opinion of it and totally support it, if for the right reason. I am in my forties and a widow. Statistically most good Muslim men are already married so what happens to women like myself for instance? Anyway, I’ve been reading your story for hours now and am so grateful for you sharing your story, mashaeAllah. What you are going through sounds extremely difficult. The fact that you have held up so long through this stress is admirable. I’m looking forward to hearing your next update inshaeAllah. Many, many hugs to you sister
March 21st, 2010 on 10:40 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum, Lesley. Alhumdulilah, you are a new shahadah. It makes me so happy to hear that. Welcome to polygamy 411. I’m glad you’ve joined us and have commented.
It is nice you are looking at polygamy from a different perspective. When I first became a new shahadah (for Non-Muslims, a new shahadah is a person who took the oath and became Muslim, accepted Islam as his or her religion) and heard about polygamy – that it’s permissible for men in Islam, I thought I’d die. Everything about Islam was sounding really good to me until I heard that. I tried to find every loophole and tried to reinterpret the Iyats about polygamy to prove why men shouldn’t do it. I don’t know anyone that fully accepted polygamy wholeheartedly when lst becoming Muslim accept my husband’s second wife Carolinah.
As you know, I think polygamy is good, but living it is extremely difficult for many women. We go through a lot of heartache and pain, as you’ve been reading. Our pain and suffering is usually due to our own and our husband’s selfishness, arrogance and greed, etc.
I believe there are a lot of good men that make good husbands to multiple women in polygamous marriages. If all the parties to the marriage are striving to serve and worship Allah and make that their priority, polygamy is doable. It’ll still take a lot of hard work, prayer and sacrifice, but is doable.
Muslim men should select Muslim women to be wives that have a sincere desire to serve and worship Allah. There are many, many unmarried Muslim women to select from – women that are divorced, widowed, with children, or new shahadahs. The problem comes in when Muslim men go out and fall in lust with women, convince the women to become Muslim so they can fulfill their lustful desires under the pretense it is about Islam. In reality, it has nothing to do with Islam.
I was just ranting away there, Lesley. Welcome, my new Muslim sister in faith. I’ll try to help you in anyway I can. My duah’s are with you!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
June 16th, 2010 on 11:38 PM
Asalama Aliekum,
I had to not go through with my desire to marry a second wife. I love my first wife but ever since the day I made the decision not to go through with it, has resulted in anger and hatred towards her ever since. I hate feeling this way and wish I never even pondered the thought of polygamy.
I am left in the middle alone, breaking everyone s heart, mine , my wife and potential to be wife.
I am left disillusioned by Polygamy and don’t believe in it any more that it is for all men. It is for some men, which i do not think exist any more.
June 17th, 2010 on 8:10 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Zahid,
You said, “I love my first wife but ever since the day I made the decision not to go through with it, has resulted in anger and hatred towards her ever since. I hate feeling this way and wish I never even pondered the thought of polygamy.”
Zahid, I feel badly that you are experiencing such pain and I pray Allah has mercy on you and relieve your suffering soon. Don’t beat up on yourself for contemplating doing what Allah has said you could do. I suggest you ponder whether you’re suffering as you have made your wife a partner to Allah. Setting up partners with Allah is shirk and Allah does not forgive shirk.
I am grateful to Allah that you commented on this. I needed to hear from a male what my husband Alex meant when he said he’d divorce Carolinah, but would hate me. What woman would want to live with a man knowing he hates her? I knew when Alex said it, I did not want to live that way. I’m sure he has more respect for me now that I didn’t stand in the way of him exercising the right that Allah gave him. I’ve suffered and still haven’t totally accepted polygamy; I hate the whatever you want to call her…that my husband is “married” to, but I know Allah knows what’s best for me and things will, without a doubt, get better.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.