Polygamy 411

Ana,

I felt so sad reading this, I really feel for you sis womens hearts are so delicate, if only men could really feel a fraction of this pain.
I wonder if these feelings you had then have lessened over time. Maybe they are still as intense but not as frequent. Is there hope?

My husband met the sister the other day again she called him and said she wanted to meet him without giving him the reason (he told me after an argumeent he was going). When he got back he told me they discussed living arrangements ect. I was secretly hoping she wanted to cancel the wedding.

I was upset once again and have now taken to sleeping in the other room. Its like the pain is just TOO MUCH! I cant eat properly or sleep. I have this constant sick feeling in my stomach that only goes when, by chance,I forget about things.

Yesterday I blew a fuse again. My husband was meant to attend a hospital appointment today but he forgot and made other plans. That was the last straw, after all im going through, he couldnt even remember this important appointment (He came in the end after I kicked up a real stink. Why does it take this?).

Sis, I dont think ive cried so deeply since I lost the baby. Infact this anguish is different as there seems like there is no way out, like it will be continuous even if you get some limited respite from time to time. Ive tried to reason with this and at times, have told myself that I may have to resolve yourself to a life of heartache and unhappiness with my husband and wait for my relief which will Inshaallah be in Jannah.

Ana,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I dont know you or any of the people here but you have really been a pillar of strength for me sis through this difficult time, your site is amazing and interesting! May Allah reward you in this life and the next for the good you have done here Ameen.
Im gonna take all your good advice and soldier on. Thanks again for the continuous support. With much love Fisabilillah x

Right, Lynn! You’re doing good

When your husband comes home, Insha Allah, try not to mention Ms.P, if you can, or at least mention her as little as possible. You don’t want to drawer his attention to her. man as in mankind has the tendency to defend those that they love, so try not to verbally attack her to him. This is what my male best friend advised me. We’re not supposed to say bad things about another, so it seemed every time I’d verbally attack Carolinah to Alex, it brought him closer to her as my punishment I don’t have any proof of it; but it makes sense.

Try to make your home a happy, peaceful one, Lynn, one that he’d eagerly want to return to. All this takes time. Remember, many of us have been in this for quite some time and we didn’t transform over night, so don’t beat yourself up, OK?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Our hostess Ana has said: “Try to make your home a happy, peaceful one, Lynn, one that he’d eagerly want to return to.”

She could not be more correct, Lady Lynn, and in doing so, make your home YOUR home. What I mean by this is you must make it your sanctuary, your place of refuge and peace. Your home should be the special place you WANT to return to at the end of your day. Do not associate it with pain or regret. MAKE IT YOURS… love your home, and make it calm and beautiful… and when your husband is your “guest” at YOUR home, he will feel that peace that emanates from YOU.

You must work on that. Don’t work on not feeling the pain, necessarily, that’s like trying to cure a disease by treating only a symptom.

Make your home a place your Creator would be honored to see as “the home of (his) most loving Daughter)!

We in Wicca often have an altar of sorts, where we place things special to us, that we can glance at and remember what we believe and think and feel. It is the center of our home, as our faith is the center of our heart.

Let YOUR faith be the center of your heart, Lady Lynn! Don’t let a mere man, or woman, damage your spirit. Don’t give anyone that power over you! No one has that power over you but your Creator!

This was sent to you without proof-reading, in haste, with love and reassurance… I just felt so compelled to write you!!

Lady WiccanWoman,

I’m so glad you mentioned the importance of making our homes comfortable for ourselves, besides making our homes nice for our husbands. It’s important, especially for Muslim women in polygamy that find themselves alone without a husband a lot of the time. Alex and I will buy a new house very soon and only I’ve been looking. I will make the final decision on which one. After all, I will be there without him most of the time, as he travels for business as well besides going off to be with Carolinah. (Carlinah will throw a fit upon learning the type of home we’ll be moving into . Alex is about to catch hell from her, once we move in for sure.)

I was thinking about what you said about pain. You stated, “Don’t work on not feeling the pain, necessarily, that’s like trying to cure a disease by treating only a symptom.” For the longest, I was trying to figure out how to make my pain go away. Your statement made me contemplate it again and I realized clearly now that only our Creator can remove the pain, as he controls the feelings in the heart, as he controls everything. Therefore, we must turn to our Creator and implore him to alleviate the pain, which entails getting our hearts right – the removal of jealousy, envy, hatred, rancour and the like from our hearts. We have to recognize these diseases of the heart, and want them removed before we can make progress. You’ve just got me thinking.

Another thing you mentioned was making our husbands guests in our homes. I’m with you 100% on that one. I do that with Alex. Besides makeing the home, calm, peaceful and beautiful, I treat him like a guest and I prepare as though preparing for a date. It adds a lot of excitement and passion to the marriage. I look forward to him arriving and I can tell he’s happy to get to me. I often see sadness in him when he has to leave me, as well.

Right now, as I write, I’m on a mini business trip with him. We left Monday and will return home on Thursday night. I don’t know whether Carolinah knows I’m with Alex on this business trip. It doesn’t matter to me anymore whether she knows, at least not right now. Before, I used to rub it in her face sometimes. Alex never counts taking me on business trips as my days, so when we get home, I’ll have three more nights with him. Alex can’t take her on business trips amongst his colleages. His job is very family oriented and they wouldn’t stand for him bringing another woman with him. So, in essence, she’s has to be a secret for work purposes.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

The Lady Malaika has stated (among many other wise words, above): “After reading the recent posts, this question is really heavy on my mind. I don’t think I can survive the drama of it all if there is a woman out there just trying to hurt me. Jealousy is one thing but malice is entirely different. Did the mothers of the believes seek to bring each other pain and hate each other?”

Dear Lady, although I am not of your faith, I feel I must reply! I hope I am not stepping on any toes here… I mean no insult, and I can only hope I am correct… but my heart tells me that what you describe – what you FEAR – would be totally unacceptable, and in fact sinful, in a peace-and-love-based faith! Deliberate actions to hurt someone due to jealousy? Malicious words and deeds? None of that is God-like.

No, my dear. I doubt that “the mothers of the believers” ever sought to bring each other pain and hate each other! As I understand it, all of that occurred at the inception of your religion. People were nearer to the earth, then, in the early times. Their needs were few. There was no need for all the extra “stuff” we have today! I think they may have found it easier to focus on what meant the most… which I hope was God, and love. How sad that these days life can become a battleground frought with jealousies and wickedness.

I must say that if your husband is sincere in his belief about WHY he wishes to practice a poly life (that is, because he wants to follow Islam with you AT his side, and not because he wants to have another woman ON the side!), what better way is there for him to prove it than to invite you to help him from the very beginning? If he is honestly asking your input, it would be thoroughly different from when he was cheating. No one really knows his heart but his Creator.

Does it FEEL like he is lying? Does it FEEL like he is planning some wickedness? My Lady, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. You are a Muslimah, yes… but you are also a WOMAN, and we females are SISTERS WORLDWIDE, no matter our faith or our color or our homeland.

Talk to God, too, and ask to be shown the way with love and gentleness. There is a difference being dragged into something with horror and fear and anger… and eased into something with love and respect and wonder, and with God as your Guide.

Would it be a sin to pray for a Sister with whom you could have a friendship? Respect? Affection? One shared, true goal? Wouldn’t that be the best kind of relationship for your family and for God? Is is wrong to pray “I long to do your will, but I am afraid… please send me a companion who feels as I do, someone who needs to be a family with us, and not someone whose presence could destroy our family instead?”

If it is written that you will live a poly marriage, I hope that you find someone like my own sister/wife, whom I love and would defend with all my heart. I would die for her, if need be. She and I, together with our husband, form a strong and loving triad. I would wish nothing less for you.

I hope I have not mis-spoken.

Sometimes I fear I may be overstepping my bounds….

Blessed Be.

As Salaamu Alaikum, Malaika! I’m glad you joined us here to share and we welcome you
I’m happy Lady WiccanWoman welcome you, as well, by so kindly replying. You posed quite a few good thought provoking questions. I think a difficult part of living polygamy is that we don’t have a lot of instructions, which leads me to believe it should be a simple lifestyle that we shouldn’t complicate, nor place an un-needed burden on ourselves.

A question that we, especially men, should ask ourselves when contemplating a lifestyle of polygamy is, “What is just and fair?” I think just and fair is relative. Just and fair depend on the parties involved and their particular situation. I’ve mentioned in a previous comment somewhere on the blog that an Egyptian male friend that I communicate with by way of phone sometimes said a man has to spend dollar for dollar on all his wives. If he spends $1.00 here, he must spend $1.00 there. My male best friend/wali/Muslim guardian said it is not that rigid. He stated that a man must only not leave a wife hanging in suspension, meaning she shouldn’t wonder whether she has a husband anymore. If he doesn’t want to be with her, see and speak with her, then he should divorce her and allow her to go and be with someone else. He believes a man should give to the woman according to the lifestyle that she is accustomed to. By him entering her life, he should improve her lifestyle, make it better. He doesn’t have to bring one wife up to the standard of the other, nor should he leave one in squalor.

It appears to me that the husband and wives determine what is just and fair for their marriage. This is where the marriage contract and mutual consultation come into play. The women should tell their respective husbands what they expect and want from the marriages. The potential husband should make clear to the potential wife what he can afford and will give her. If she agrees, they marry. If she doesn’t agree they don’t. In Ms. P’s situation she was aware her husband would only be able to see her three days a month. She, apparently, accepted the condition. She agreed, so there is no injustice. In my case, Alex advised Carolinah that she wouldn’t be able to accompany him to social affairs, business affairs, etc. involving his job. His job is very family oriented, and knows me as his (Alex’s) wife. His job would not tolerate him being a polygamist. She agreed to this and married him. She was aware I had a Marriage License with Alex when she married him, as well, yet, she agreed to be his wife. In this regard, I see no injustice. We know that wives in Islam can give up their turn to another wife or the other wives. We know wives can forgo any type of maintenance from the man, if she chooses and still marry him or stay married to him. I think what is just and fair depend on what we agree to. Of course, if the husband doesn’t keep up his end of the bargain, then he would not be acting in accordance with his agreement and he would not be just and fair. Those are my thoughts. What do you think?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Malaika, regarding the business trips, this is another one that is not black or white. I think a lot of things in Islam involving polygamy are neither black, nor white.

I’ve read in some Islamic books that a man can select which wife he takes on a journey with him (in my case, it’s a business trip). He could make up the days or he doesn’t have to. I’ve read that pulling lots is okay too. It’s easier for Alex to determine which of us wives to take on business trips, as Carolinah is a “secret” with regard to his work. Alex’s job is very family oriented. Alex’s job would not approve of polygamy, or of Alex bringing her to any business affair, as they know me as Alex’s wife. Alex chooses not to makeup those days. I don’t know how Carolinah feels about it now. I remember Alex telling me, when he married Carolinah, that she and he discussed her not being able to go. He advised her that I didn’t attend those affairs anyhow. Of course, since he married her, I attend mostly all of them – out of spite??? I intend to take advantage of all my rights (his benefits, pension, name, etc.). You name it; I’m taking it. I can be a meannie sometimes .

Malaika, as far as I know there doesn’t seem to be any hard and fast rules with polygamy. Each marriage is different. Each couple makes up their own schedule etc. At least that’s how I see it. Do you have any specific situation you’d like to ask about?

Oh, Malaika, I wanted to mention, as well, that although you and your husband may select a nice Muslim sister (sister in faith) to join your union, you’ll never know what you’re going to get until you get it. Nonetheless, you can’t go wrong by putting your faith and trust in Allah, and as lady WiccanWoman suggested, ask Him to give your husband the best wife for him and the best sister-wife/co-wife/or whatever you call her for you.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

OOPS. i accidently hit “leave comment” button too early. I wasn’t finished. Anyway, some men are like this. My husband was a convert and he was not used to being with one woman only before Islam. I probably should never have married him. I was raised in Islam and was a virgin when I married. I was pretty sheltered and naive and although I knew that he had a “colorful” past. This is putting it mildly. I figured once people get married thats it. He won’t want any other woman. Boy was I wrong.

Alhumdullilah, I am well past the point of thinking that there was something actually wrong with me, or that him wanting another woman was because there was anything lacking in me. I know better than that. But the fact remains…he does and in Islam there is only one halal way to make that happen.

So this is where I find myself…an attractive, educated, mother of four who loves Allah swta and his Prophet. Did I mention very well paid professionally LOL. It doesn’t matter how successful, chaste, pious, or attractive you are some men simply will desire more.

He talks about the nobleness of it all…helping another sister, growing in faith etc. but in my heart I believe it’s about variety, sex, and power.

Ana, I do think the points you have made about what Mrs. P and Carolinah agreed to before the marriage are valid points. I do think that if they agreed than it is fair and just. I also agree with your wali’s perspective. I can’t imagine that my husband would ever be able to take on another wife if he had to maintain her at the same level as I am living. We have been building together for 12 years.

I was very curious about these points because while I would be interested in finding a sister wife (should this be the Qadr of Allah) who is as Lady Wiccan Woman describe, I am fearful that this is pretty difficult to find. What woman, should she have a choice actually wants to share. I don’t even want to share. I am only saying I would and thats because I honestly don’t believe there is a choice for me other than to divorce and that isn’t a choice because I love my husband very much.

Ana,

Exactly. What good did Carolinah expect to come out of a situation like that? She never wanted to have a relationship with you or care about you? Unfortunately as is the case with the Crazy Woman my husband married, I could have never accepted her as a sister wife. Never! I said mean things to her back as well. I rubbed it in her face when he left her and told her that this is what happens to whores like her. I’m not proud of it but I knew I could have never accepted her and I was really tempted to get my girlfriends, put on niqab (this is terrible because I don’t wear niqab) and go over there and beat her down. OK, at least thats how I played it out in my mind.

This was a long time ago now and I don’t feel any resentment toward that woman but the experience and the Carolinahs and Ms. P’s of the world make me cautious.

Thank you for further explaining the information about the business trips. This is very helpful. You hear some people talk about equity and they act like a man is going to burn in hell if he doesn’t match every dollar to dollar in his marriages. I just think thats crazy. I think I deserve the life I have and I’m not willing to compromise so that he can have another wife. I also don’t want the potential wife to think I am selfish because I don’t think I should have to actually “give up” more than the obvious, obviously.

Anyway, thanks for asking if I have any specific questions. I wanted to ask but don’t want anyone to think I am a bad mother because of it. You may not be able to answer this specifically because you don’t have children but here goes anyway….

Have you heard of any instances when the children go with the husband when he goes to spend his time with the other wife? I have absolutely no desire to be a part time single mother. Being a parent is hard work and I also work full time. I told my husband if he marries again, I will have to feel comfortable with the sister being with my children because they are going with him (at least 50% of the time). I don’t think it’s acceptable that a man decides he needs variety and so is allowed to abandon his children for half the week.

In a perfect world we would all live very close, same area and he could still be with his children even if he is sleeping in another home. This is my understanding of how the Prophet spent his time. But in reality this isn’t how it will play out. Even if she lived 15-30 minutes from me, he would not be a part of the rearing of the children on the days he is with her, so I believe they should go with him too.

I don’t know how this would play out logistically…just started thinking about it, but I do know that if I am going to be alone 1/2 my life, I want to actually be alone. I want to be able to do things I always wanted to do ex. travel, start a business, write a book, hang out with girlfriends, get an MBA. Nothing is going to depress me more than having to take care of our children by myself while he’s off escaping from the joys and yes, difficulties of parenthood.

My husband had children when I married him and I have been taking care of those children a good part of the year from the day I married him. His older children love me and I love them. My point is my husband comes with children and just as I cared for his children when I married him, she would have to agree to this as well.

OK, so who thinks I’m crazy?

BTW. My husband doesn’t think this is a problem at all