The Polygamy Blame Game
by ana on Apr.05, 2009, under my journey
I guess you’re wondering how Carolinah, initially, adjusted to polygamy-our (her, Alex and my) new way of life…I certainly wondered!
Somehow or another, the conversation came up between Alex and me. He said Carolinah was upset, or angry. I can’t remember his exact words. I knew Carolinah and I both were distressed. Whose fault was it? Alex advised me that he was upset, as he had hurt the two people he cared about the most.
I asked Alex what reason Carolinah had to be displeased? He said she kept saying, “I thought it was OK. I thought it was OK.” She told him that she knew how she’d feel if it happened to her. I asked, “Didn’t she ask you how I felt before you did it (married her)?” He said, yes and he told her that he didn’t care. That is what he told me. I remember his exact words…”I said I don’t care” were his exact words. (I’m still disturbed about what he said, as I write it.)
Nonetheless, I insisted she should be alright with polygamy, as she knew you already had a wife when she agreed to marry you. He said she said similar about me. She said I was Muslim for all those years and it should be easy for me.
I just didn’t get it. I wasn’t polygamous for all those years. I just couldn’t equate how being Muslim for twenty years was the same as my husband telling me that he was going to adopt the lifestyle of polygamy and I was going to have to live it within a few weeks. Did she really think it was that simple?
My next question was how Alex could even entertain Carolinah’s attempt to rationalize her thoughts, knowing that I was staunch against polygamy when I met him. He knew we discussed my distaste for polygamy numerous times before and during our marriage.
Needless to say, Carolinah saying it should be easy for me and me saying it should be easy for her went on, it seemed like, forever. She kept debating it with Alex and I kept debating it with him. She kept saying she “thought it was OK,” meaning she thought I didn’t mind.
During my first conversation with Alex about the ”blame game”, he said, “I thought you were a Believer.” He was referring to me. Alex had just said a mouth full – a “Believer”. I began to think about being a ”Believer” in Islam and what a “Believer” was.
Allah SWT said we must accept the entire book (Quran) or we are no better than an Unbeliever. Allah didn’t say we had to live polygamy… but, do we have a choice to hate it, if we are Believers? Does accepting polygamy in Islam-not necessarily living it, but accepting it, encompass wanting for your brother what you want for yourself?
I pray Allah SWT increases my faith and truly let me want for my brother what I want for myself…Sharing is good!
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
April 3rd, 2009 on 1:19 PM
It is basically a matter of knowledge of the quran and! the sunnah of our nabi Muhammad salallahu alahi wa salam. If you hate or dislike a thing from either then take you place in the fire. Accepting something is living it and making a part of your life because that is what islam is a way of life not a meal that you can take bits and pieces from as you please. The best way to love someone is for the sake of Allah. It truly does boil down to being a believer and that the quran has a cure for EVERY part of our lives.
April 29th, 2009 on 7:12 AM
I’ve thought about this a lot… The I didn’t care comment your husband made to Carolinah… That really bothers me. My husband read it and he was downright angry with your husband! How different our husbands are…
The more I read or re read in this instance, I really think Carolinah thought one of two things… One she hoped you would leave. or Two she thought you would just lay back and do whatever she wanted. She wanted all the power, she’d had it before as the ‘other’ woman when he was married to his first wife.
I don’t know…but knowing now what you said in another post, those are my thoughts.
Thank you for making me feel welcome, I enjoy your blog, even though sometimes I wish I could shake your husband and Carolinah! I look forward to reading more in the future.
April 29th, 2009 on 12:49 PM
M,
I’m very happy you share the information with your husband. I welcome all husbands’ thoughts, and feelings about polygamy and what they’ve seen, know, heard and lived of it. Our friend “Donald” has been a huge inspiration and is truly amazing. Please continue to share with us any input from your husband. It’s most appreciated.
Carolinah definitely had an agenda when she signed on for polygamy with my husband. They sat down, planned and plotted the whole thing and I was not privy to the planning process. I was just there for the ride.
I’m still quite suspicious of most things he does and I am many times contrary. I feel I have to stay on my toes to keep some control in my life. Otherwise, she’ll rule. He tends to want me to follow her lead, as you’ve probably come to learn. I really don’t like using the word “control” loosely, as I think we as humans think we have more control of things than we actually do.
I enjoy your visits and talking with you. It is a pleasure visiting you at your home, as well. You’re always welcome.
October 11th, 2009 on 12:01 PM
You know, The Koran mentions a number of things that to me are distasteful. War. Slavery. Killing. Eating meat. I choose not to keep slaves. I think it is OK to speak out against the practices that bother me for whatever reason. Does this make me an Unbeliever? Does this really put me into the fire?
October 11th, 2009 on 3:58 PM
JeanneT,
YES. It makes you an unbeliever. The Fire was created for unbelievers. If you continue to be an unbeliever, you will go to the Fire. Allah says accept all of the Quran, not bits and pieces that you like. Do you think you know better than Allah?
October 11th, 2009 on 7:26 PM
Ali-
I did not know that being a vegetarian was a problem. Now I know why I’ve never met another Muslim vegetarian. I always wondered why people looked at me funny when I told them I did not care to eat meat. Wow.
Thank you for enlightening me on the matter.
October 11th, 2009 on 10:04 PM
JeanneT
I am a Muslim and vegetarian…and although it isn’t very common, it isn’t unheard of. However, the reason for being vegetarian is the issue.
I am vegetarian because I do not like red meat, and after having huge gaps in the times I ate chicken, it started to make me sick. I believe that I am healthier as a vegetarian. However, I am not strict. I eat seafood. In addition, I do not believe it is wrong to kill animals for food. That is the way of the food chain and how Allah made things. If it was wrong, the Prophets would not have eaten meat.
Another big issue for me is that food be organic. With the halal meat not easily found in organic form, unless one gets an organic animal and slaughters it, then I cannot justify putting it in my body anyway, even if I liked it. For my children, hubby finds organic farms and slaughters on Eid so they have some of that meat now and then. In great moderation, I might add.
The Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, had preferences when it came to food. It is not a crime to not eat something because you don’t like it. However to imagine that something is wrong about eating it, when Allah has ordained it to be perfectly fine, is where a problem will lie.
One thing I will mention, is that Islam is perfect; we and our limited thinking are not. So some things that may not seem pleasant to us are simply beyond our scope or level of understanding and faith. Life becomes much simpler when we simply trust in Allah and accept what He has decreed. Then we can forget about having a bunch of opinions about it, know it is all part of a Perfect Plan, and just get on with our lives. If we are blessed with a true understanding of those aspects we struggle with, all well and good. If we don’t, just know it is all good and keep on trucking.
October 12th, 2009 on 12:57 AM
The plan may be perfect, but I perceive no compulsion to engage in everything that is said to be lawful. Even lawful things can cause problems. And maybe that is part of the plan, to give us these hardships to test us.
I don’t eat meat because I don’t like it.
It is not a health or spiritual issue for me.
And I’m delighted to find a vegetarian sister!
October 12th, 2009 on 8:06 PM
Jeanne T, a big vegetarian hug for you!
Naturally, we don’t have to engage in everything, but just as I don’t go and slaughter animals personally on Eid, I don’t hold it as wrong for others to do so. We do not have to like certain things, but we must understand that they aren’t wrong and have a place in certain situations.
Ali is correct in saying we have to take all of the Quran, but incorrect in saying you are an unbeliever just because you don’t enjoy certain aspects. Unless you speak out and say those things are wrong that Allah has made halal, then you have not put yourself into a state of kufr insha’Allah.
Insha’Allah, others will be more careful and considerate of how they address issues. The kind word is the blessed word, the rude or hurtful word is hated by Allah and His Messenger, salla Allahu alayhi wa salaam. Most certainly tests come in different forms, but I can personally say that I have been shown how certain things can be of a benefit to mankind when I otherwise would have thought not.
October 13th, 2009 on 7:05 AM
Thanks, Mai.
I agree that some of these things, ugly as they seem to be, serve some purpose in this world.
Visited your blog, by the way. Heart warming and inspiring.