Polygamy Causes Sleepless nights
by ana on Apr.06, 2009, under my journey
Evidently Alex realized by now his transition from monogamy to polygamy was not as easy as he had thought. Every night, once the schedule took effect, I called Alex on his cell phone when he was at Carolinah’s house.
One night I called hysterically, pleading for him to come home. Alex phoned me the next morning from his work. I couldn’t go to work that day, as I had just stayed up the entire night sobbing and upset. My eyes were awfully swollen. I looked a wreck. Alex said he was just calling to make sure I was OK. As soon as I heard Alex’s voice on the phone, I became hysterical. I screamed, ”No. I’m not OK. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t function. I can’t even go to work.” I continued to scream, “How could you do this to me? Didn’t you care about me? Didn’t you care?” My voice drifted off faintly as I murmured, “You didn’t even care about me.” I heard Alex, suddenly, emotionally breakdown on the phone and he hung up. I was in a state of exhaustion at this point, so it was easy for me to drift off to sleep.
My calls to Alex during his nights with Carolinah went from pitiful to hateful. That is what I did every night on her nights. I left terrible, profane, abusive messages for Alex. He always answered the phone and spoke with me until my conversation went from being cordial to offensive. He’d always hung up at that point and let my messages go into voice mail.
A couple of times, when Alex arrived home the next morning as scheduled, he said I had made him feel so bad while he was gone. He said he started to come home a couple of nights. One night he said he told Carolinah I wasn’t handling things well at all and she said, “Well, maybe you should go to her.”
I, eventually, no longer had an obsessive compulsive need to call Alex while he was with Carolinah. Alex said he preferred to have heard from me, as at least that way he knew I was OK. He said he worried about me whether I called or not and he lost sleep.
I had lost focus on Allah SWT, during those many nights, and had placed my focus on a human being, a human being who couldn’t help me and had become the source of my problems. All help comes from Allah. Human beings will leave you, but Allah promises us that He remembers those who remember Him.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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travel 4 less!
April 3rd, 2009 on 1:36 PM
The prophet Muhammad salallahu alahi wa salam said love whom you love moderately for someday they may be the one you hate and hate the one you hate moderately because they may be the one you love someday.
April 3rd, 2009 on 2:39 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum, Umm
Thank you very much for sharing. Your comment is very helpful to me and, Insha Allah, will be to others as well.
I’ve been wondering quite often if Allah SWT, one day, might make my husband’s wife and me friends. Allah knows best. Insha Allah, we’ll love those whom Allah loves and hates those whom Allah hates… as indicated in your comment, moderation is a key. Thank you much again!
Ana
August 3rd, 2010 on 4:28 AM
i cant help but smile when i read your post, Ana. I did the same to my husband. Once I called him and blamed him for not calling home to check on me and the kids when he was spending nights with Ms. P. When the phone line went dead suddenly I felt worst as I thought he hung up on me. I left a nasty massage on both their hp, expecting a return call from him that same night. I even threatened to leave him. He called me the following morning, explaining the prepaid card was low and there’s no way he could call me back. It’s bad I know but I just had to do it.
August 3rd, 2010 on 11:53 AM
Salaam,
@Ana — Try not to even think about how you should feel about her. I used to teach my daughters that indifference was better than hating. The opposite of love is not hate…it is indifference. Love and Hate expend a lot of energy and are very closely related…as the saying goes there is a FINE line between love and hate. Indifference to me has been more liberating than hating and in the indifference their existence, what they do, how they do it never controlled my emotion or thought process and if I had to interact with them I still maintained composure…really this is about my ex husband and the father of my children. Years we spend battling and arguing and yes, they could get quite nasty in tone and content. But when I let the “hate” go and became indifferent he no longer could get under my skin. He couldn’t take me there at all. Years later we still have to talk and now that Allah has what I think started to show him the errors in his ways we talk (regarding the children) and “we get along”. We can now communicate…mind you it took until the youngest was 18 but hey, Allah knows best.
I too have experienced the lack of communication and I am REALLY going through that right now on a LARGE level. But my theory is I can show you better than I can tell you. He is recovering from major surgery and b/c she doesn’t know etc…he’s over there for the next 3 to 4 weeks. So I get random texts and hardly any phone calls. But it was his choice to NOT tell the truth beforehand and IF he is the head adn the man of that house then it is HIS responsibility to make provisions to communicate with me consistently and effectively. I do not text or call him unless it is bill or business related. I tried to discuss the hospital visitation BEFORE he left…etc…he didn’t. So when it came time for it…I declined. I will not work around HER schedule. Me and her are equal. Im not mad that she was there (as it is HER insurance he’s on) so I understood that. But what mad me upset was that you as the man didn’t make sure both of us had access to you. And he will have to learn that b/c he hasn’t told the truth that the consequences are NOT that I will ‘make adjustments’ HE has to make provisions as the husband. He is learning this slowly but surely…as I am getting the lovey dovey texts. I quote scripture and hadith to him in my responses if there is communication other than bills and business and let that marinate in his mind.
I am not like her I am more independent in spirit. I am not needy. I do study, pray and read. And he can clearly see Allah within me, he will have no choice b/c first and foremost I love him for the sake of ALLAH…Allah comes first and he knows that with me. For her, HE comes first…mistake! Anyway….I said all that to say that IF they don’t call we must learn that it really it is their duty to protect and if they can’t text, email or call at night to make sure “home” is secure I believe with my heart that Allah will deal with that. Its not personal. It bothers, it hurts, but pray for your protection through and to Allah that night and recognize that He is the one granting protection ultimately.
Just my thoughts…
Mrs.#2
August 3rd, 2010 on 5:22 PM
Lynn, you said, “It’s bad I know but I just had to do it.” I just did a “bad” last week. I texted Carolinah, as I haven’t done so in quite some time. I just wanted to remind her that I’m still here, and I am not going away. I texted: ” Hi Mistress Carolinah. I was just thinking about you and thought I’d say hi. I hope u have been taking good care of my husband, giving him good loving. Some husbands visit prostitutes. My husband bought one. U have a good day! Ana (an Alex’s last name)”
“It’s bad I know but I just had to do it.” In no way am I encouraging anyone to behave as I have. I will have to account for the wrong I’ve done. Carolinah didn’t respond. If she had a clue about Islam, I’d say it was admirable, as she ignored ignorance. Her ignoring me has nothing to do with any piety or anything of the sought. She’s just weird. Alex had said he married her to help her as people took advantage of her. I believe one day my need to text her will cease. I can only pray…
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 3rd, 2010 on 9:04 PM
It’s okay Ana I guess it’s “normal” for 1st wives to react that way. Last night, Ms. P projected me as a ” bully” (Ms. P is 11 years younger) when I texted such hurting messages to her. She replied “My husband asked me to forward all those messages you texted me but I rather not as I do not want to stress him, but if he insisted I will.”
Each time I texted Ms. P my husband will give me the frustrated face. When asked whether he heard anything from Ms. P he denied & tried to act normal following that.
I will always the bad one while she’s the angel. When will I stop I really don’t know.
August 3rd, 2010 on 9:53 PM
You? – a “bully” You made me laugh, Lynn. It’s just petty, girl stuff
; the husbands really can’t be bothered with it. I think Carolinah sees herself as angelic, since she doesn’t respond to my text. She probably thinks she’s winning Alex over by not replying, but she’s not. He doesn’t care. I could text her till I’m blue in the face; he doesn’t care enough to tell me to stop. When we were on vacation, I mentioned her in a conversation once or twice. He said she just wants me to stop texting her. I said, yeah, I know; she wants me not to exist. Nonetheless, he didn’t ask me to stop texting her. He does not care anymore. He said,
– not in so many words LOL
We know the texts are wrong and we sincerely want to stop the nasty text messages . We’ll stop eventually in due time, Insha Allah
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 3rd, 2010 on 11:18 PM
Salaam,
@Ana, I laughed when I saw what you did. I have urges allll the time to do things like that but more anonymous. It was funny I was thinking that and I said NO let Allah deal with her and the truth and low and behold 15mins later that’s when she emailed me and asked me to call her…WOW! I did try and counsel her about torturing herself. I also asked if things are so great and you guys are back together and u trust him WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME??? Never got concrete stuff…she lied and said he’s there every night…LOL…wow….she’s tortured and I told her you know what you know…and either trust what he has told you and move on with your marriage and stop calling me or you don’t…and pack up the kids and move on! If you trust him then leave it alone.
Anyway, we all have those moments or think about it…it made me laugh, especially what you said. but in all that I realized as #1 called me and emailed me a while back…he didn’t address it…and won’t say anything…mostly for his own selfish reasons at this point. But most men see us as catfighting and don’t get involved unless one of us CLEAN SNAPS OUT and a PAN IS FLYING TO HIS HEAD!!! hahahahaha…then they might say something. He’s not leaving either one of us at this time so as long as he isn’t in the middle per se…he probably doesn’t want to deal with it….MEN!!!!
Mrs.#2
August 3rd, 2010 on 11:39 PM
Salaam Mrs.#2
I agree with you; men will be men. They DON’T WANT TO DEAL with all that goes on between the wives and, from what I’m hearing from many wives, the men DON’T DEAL. They just let things happen and they won’t choose between the wives with regard to divorcing one or the other unless forced to. I’m not one to force someone to do something he doesn’t want to. Why make someone be with me and only me, if that’s not what he wants to do. He won’t be happy while with me and I’ll know it. What use is a marriage like that. At least now I know he’s with me because he wants to be.
As far as your marriage is concerned, like you said, I don’t see him leaving her or you. It seems both you and she are both strong willed and neither is going to give up. You’re both in for one heck of a fight, one long ride. Who knows, the two of you may end up best friends. Allah knows best.
I know it’s not easy for you Mrs.#2. Although, we firsts are trying to warm up to you, it’s a little bit difficult. With your persistence, patience and tolerance, it’s even more difficult not to love you. We all are human and we all feel pain a like. Hang in there! You’re going to be OK!!!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 4th, 2010 on 9:52 PM
Salaam,
I thought you all might enjoy this as much as I did. I a little levity! =)
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls
And a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.’
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
A Prayer…….
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death,
Because I don’t have time to knit!
August 4th, 2010 on 10:14 PM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam Mrs.#2,
I just read it to my best friend/wali. He said it was really cute. Thank you for sharing it
I pray your hubby is coming along well, recovering from his surgery.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in
August 4th, 2010 on 10:45 PM
@Mrs. 2 – thank you for sharing. yes cute stuff
brought smiles onto my face.