Polygamy 411

Constant, continuous thoughts of Alex and Carolinah occupied my mind. Nothing anyone said mattered. I had been a very content person most of the time, high-spirited, always smiling and upbeat.  I used to have good times with the few, very, very close friends that I had. (I am more of a reserved personality type.) My most dear and precious friends were my Wali, his wife and family.  We’d been together conducting business, learning Islam, going through trials and tribulations together for over twenty years.

My Wali tried to help me accept polygamy and stay focused on Allah.  I valued what he said and listened to him most of the time, but now when he spoke, it seemed like I wasn’t there. I just heard a voice and words.  I barely even smiled anymore, only when expected to, usually when greeting someone. I didn’t feel any joy…just severe sadness. I definitely wasn’t myself. It was sad to see My Wali sad. He said when I hurt he hurt.  It seemed like it was the first time he couldn’t  help me.

When I was at work, I’d speak with my mom on the phone, my sister, Alex’s mother or one of his other relatives and as soon as I mentioned my polygamous situation my voice changed.  I didn’t sound like me. It sounded like another voice took over. It all happened naturally.  I couldn’t control it. I had difficulty getting words out. I didn’t cry. I felt like-who is this person speaking (referring to myself)?  I tried to stay calm every time I spoke with someone about my polygamous marriage, but this other voice always emerged. The recipient on the other line could all the time tell. My mom always said, “I know you are upset. I can hear it in your voice.”

My co-workers had to notice a difference in me. They overheard my conversations; I’m sure. Although I was pretty certain they didn’t know I was a party to polygamy, they probably thought Alex was having an affair. I cared somewhat about my co-workers hearing my conversation; I didn’t care enough to stop having them. 

One time I stopped over my sister’s house.  I thought I had my emotions all under control. I thought I could do it…I brought up the topic of Alex and Carolinah.  As I began to talk about it, almost immediately, I busted into tears. I apologized. “I’m sorry”, I said.  I was so embarrassed, so humiliated. 

Another time I was home in the evening. Alex was not there. He was with Carolinah. I was on the phone talking with my sister. I was so upset.  She quickly came over. She lived only minutes away.  I was extremely distraught, couldn’t stop crying. I said, “I don’t even want to live anymore.”  My sister immediately called my Wali. He drove, speeding, twenty-miles to my home. It seemed like he had arrived within ten minutes. I had calmed down much by then. The three of us went for a short drive to get take-out coffee. I waited in the car.  Things seemed OK now. They took me home and they left. 

When I spoke with my Wali the next day, he said last night he thought it was all over for me. It wasn’t the last time something like this happened to me.