Polygamy Helps Us Know OurSelves and Others!
by ana on Apr.18, 2009, under my journey
It’s amazing that for almost five years I didn’t truly know myself, nor did I know my husband Alex. I was so self-absorbed, self-centered and outright arrogant. I hadn’t taken any significant time to know Alex. I focused primarily on what he did and didn’t do, my wants and my needs, and my likes and dislikes. Alex had almost been superficial to me.
For me, polygamy was and is a humbling experience. I never, ever dreamed Alex would consider polygamy. I used to come home and tell him stories about people in neighboring communities who were polygamous, and were getting divorced. He even told me a couple of similar stories.
A problem arose with realizing polygamy in my life. I now began to attach myself and focus too much attention on Alex. I swung far, way over to the opposite side. Although I was still staying conscious of Allah SWT, I had now become much too attentive to Alex.
My Wakeel kept telling me, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you. That is what a chase is all about.” My wakeel advised me time in and time out that nothing should ever be more important than Allah SWT.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
August 8th, 2009 on 1:01 PM
As salaamu alaikum Ana.
Your last sentence is key…and you have learned the most important lesson of all. That is something that NEVER goes away…it needs to be the rule of thumb for everything you do in your life and dealings. Will it work out always? No! We are all human – born to err. But, the mindset is essential to success. May you grow and with every action that pleases Allah, move up in your ranks in Jennah al Firdous – ameen.
August 8th, 2009 on 3:01 PM
As salaamu alaikum again!
Subhaan Allah! You have been Muslim a little longer than me. Oh Ana, can you see what a gift this is? Can you see that after so many years in Islam, Allah has chosen you (as he chose me and others like us) to really pull us into a state of tawakkal (total reliance on Him)? Now I can see more clearly how vital this is in your life and for your stage. These aren’t times to be relaxed and just calmly reading a little Quran her, a hadith there. These are times when we need to fully understand that everything we do is solely to get us to Jennah and we will have to answer for ourselves – not our husbands or co-wives. I believe that Allah sends these special tests to those He wants in the high ranks of Jennah al Firdous. It is our wake-up call, our boot camp to get us to a much higher state of taqwa and emaan. Ana, it IS a gift! Do you realize what huge da’awah you can do by taking the high road in this situation? It is quite possible that you can bring Alex to “serious faith” through your example. Never underestimate the situations Allah puts us in and how far they may reach.
August 8th, 2009 on 3:24 PM
Mai, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! I know you are absolutely right. Polygyny is just so very hard sometimes. No one can begin to imagine unless they’ve lived it against their will or lived it like you. Your words have inspired me immensely, more than you know. Alex is due here with me in a couple hours. He’s been with Carolinah for the last three days. I just wasn’t feeling him. I felt cold and distant, planning to distance myself from him once he arrives. You helped me get focused and helped bring my attention back to the bigger picture Jennah,not Alex but how I react to Allah decision of polygyny for me, think, act, the things I say and do etc. Being “nasty” whether it’s to Alex or anyone isn’t going to help anyone get to Jennah (I just want to let our readers know that aren’t familiar with the term that Jennah means “Paradise.”
I intend to visit and join simply sunnah sister. Thank you for sharing the info. about the site with me. Big hug to you too!
August 9th, 2009 on 12:23 PM
As salaamu alaikum Ana.
I’m praying that you welcomed Alex with a smile and that things are going nicely during your time with him. I believe I have to invite you to the group, so if you e-mail me, I will send out an invitation insha’Allah.
Much love,
Mai
August 9th, 2009 on 2:11 PM
Mai, As Salaamu Alaikum!
Everything is going nicely Mai. Thank you for caring. I’m trying to stay focused on what’s important.
The other day I picked up Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth.” Perhaps you read it. I’ve been reading it and it’s been very helpful. I’m beginning to recognize my problem with my ego-I, me, mine-my husband, my wants. I, I, I… So it’s interesting. He says complaining feeds the ego. I’m just wondering how it would affect my writing if I don’t feel the need to belly ache, complain and take possession anymore
It must be pretty cool being a psychologist. Do you find yourself analysizing everyone?
Mai, Insha Allah, I’ll email you and request the invite. I went to Simply Sunnah Sister yesterday and saw that I have to have an invite. I tried to get in using other info. unsuccessfully.
Thanks again for all your help!
Much love, Ana
August 9th, 2009 on 8:02 PM
Wa alaikum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Ana!
I am surely not a bonafide psychologist! I just love it and literally jumped at the chance to do all those classes in college a few years ago. I’ve been learning and studying people for a long time now, masha’Allah. I do analyze people though, lol! I just cannot help it.
Once you get into the group, I will try to guide you to certain posts that totally relate to you. Just a few weeks ago I posted something (Islamic)that I found about me, myself, I. I’m sure it will tie in with what you are reading.
Believe it or not, I manage not to complain and I write a WHOLE LOT, lol! What I have found though, is that I search more than I actually write. I discover things, find inspirations, grow in mind and spirit because I am not focusing on negative things…just striving for closeness to Allah. I have a passion…following the Sunnah (lifestyle, manners, and example of the Prophet Muhammad) in my life, and it is like a big research project and work in progress.
Oh well, keep on smiling my sweet sister! I’m sure you are realizing already that Alex reacts to you. You have the power, with smiles, appreciation, and pleasant words, to turn life into a truly beautiful thing bi ithn Allah.
I’m sure it’s not me…thank Allah.
Much love right back to you!
Mai
November 8th, 2009 on 1:24 AM
Hi,
I just read all of your posts. I am not here to judge Islam or whether polygamy is right or wrong in an absolute sense. However, I do think you are mistaken in one thing. As Muslims living in the USA, you are subject to the US law as well. When it comes to religion vs. the state you need to consider something. Is what the state is asking you to do AGAINST the law of God? For example, Muslim women should wear head coverings, all Muslims should pray 5 times a day and fast during Ramadhan. If the state tried to force you to not do any of these things, it would be wrong and, as Muslims, you would have no choice but to disobey. However, in the case of polygamy, this is not so. There is nothing in Islam that says having more than one wife is mandatory. There is nothing that says having only one wife is wrong for a Muslim man. So in the case where you are living under a government that forbids more than one wife, you are doing something wrong to go against that, I am pretty sure that Muslims are supposed to subject themselves to all reasonable rules of law in the country in which they are living. Asking people to stick to monogamy within the United States of America is not asking them to break the law of God. Asking them to not fast or pray, now that would be asking them to break the law of God and you would be obligated, by God, to break that rule. Polygamy is not an obligation to God, but obeying the authorities in so much as we are able is.
Therefore, you actually do have grounds for divorce.
November 8th, 2009 on 1:31 AM
Oh and I would also like to point out here, because I don’t know where else to do so, that factually there are only more women than men in the 65+ age group. Under that, globally, there are actually less woman than men. 2/5 of the world’s population are made up by China and India and both countries have a significant shortage of women compared to men. The Gulf countries, especially the UAE, have a huge Gender imbalance, (3 men to 1 woman in Dubai) Universal birth rates have more boys born than girls. This ratio evens out to 1:1 in most countries throughout most of our lives and only changes in old age. Therefore the number of men to women should not be used as an argument in favor of polygamy, as one could say that a man taking more than one wife in the under 65 category is actually depriving another man of the opportunity to get married at all. This is not an argument against polygamy, but I just think that when discussing it, wrong facts should not be used. If this should be posted elsewhere, I apologize.
November 8th, 2009 on 1:58 PM
Thank you KP. You did a great job, with both of those posts, word for word. BTW Ana, I noticed it when you were gone, and I wondered where you were, and if you were OK. I was glad to hear that it was a vacation, and a good one!
November 8th, 2009 on 2:15 PM
Ooooo, that was really sweet Judith. Thank you for caring. It means much to me.
November 8th, 2009 on 5:39 PM
KP, you said we should obey the laws of the country in which we live, if they do not go against the laws of God. It is blatantly clear that the USA constitution goes against Allah’s Laws. Allah specifically commands us not to hearken to or obey those who neglect the remembrance of Him. This is His Command and this is His Law. The Qur’an is our Constitution and our Criteria. Allah says judge with what He has given us to judge with! Allah also Commands us to mend our lives accordingly to Qur’an and cure the diseases of our hearts via Qur’an!
The framers of the constitution of the USA never remembered Allah. They did not Believe. Allah gives those who withdrawer themselves from the remembrance of Allah an evil companion, Satan, to be their intimate partner. Remembrance of Allah is the greatest thing in life without a doubt.
The laws of the USA are manmade laws, made by those that neglected the remembrance of Allah; therefore, those laws do not need to be adhered to.
Are you basing your position on your personal views or what Allah says in Quran? After Allah makes something known we have neither option nor opinion and should not reject what Allah says; if we do, we are rejecters of Faith. Satan wants us to obey him.
November 8th, 2009 on 9:54 PM
Hi KP. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to welcome you before Ali responded to your comment. Welcome to Polygamy411. I’m glad you’ve joined us and commented. The whole question as to whether we should obey the laws of the country in which we live is extremely controversial, as you know. I’m glad you’ve voiced your view as quite a few others have on the subject, as well. Many agree with you.
First and foremost, I think what we all should look at is ourselves and whether we in our hearts honestly are receptive to polygamy or ardently against it. The answer would determine how we view all that we read and hear about polygamy. Our feelings about polygamy would determine what we accept regarding it and what we reject, referencing what we read and hear.
Please comment again soon and often.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
November 9th, 2009 on 12:03 AM
Ali,
This is off topic, but who are you to make such a blanket comment about the framers of our constitution?
Did you know any of them personally?
On what are you basing their lack of belief?
Does not the Koran warn believers to avoid making assumptions about inadequacies of other faiths?
I am curious: Do you think it is appropriate to disregard a highway patrol officer’s request that you stop your car and show identification, just because you think he is not a believer?
November 9th, 2009 on 12:45 AM
Ali:
Muslims do not always have the pleasure of living in a Muslim country. Laws of a country that do not go against God are not to be broken, regardless of the religion of the people who created or uphold the law.
According to US law, you are supposed to pay taxes as well, why don’t you stop doing that too, since the Quran didn’t say you were supposed to adhere to US tax law?
God did not command men to take more than one wife, therefore you do not have a religious obligation (and therefore right) to break that law of the US.
It is not an immoral law. There is nothing immoral about having one wife, in fact it is the preferable family situation – if one considers the feelings and emotions of wives and children and not only the wants and desires of men.
Furthermore, since the US population has pretty much 1 man for every woman, up to the age of 65, I consider it immoral for a man to be selfish and take more than his share of women.
Since these could lead to his “brother” not having a woman at all. And a situation where some men do not have access to women can lead to all sorts of other immorality – rape, incest, aggression, homosexuality.
Polygamy was allowed to help people in the cases in which it was needed – like in 6th century Arabia when men were in shortage and frequent warring meant unprotected women and children were vulnerable. But it is not a cornerstone of the region or an absolute like pray 5 times a day is. It is obvious that God gave us brains and hearts to use for ourselves at times to take situations in context and act accordingly. Polygamy is meant to be applied in context ie – is there a need for it (loads of women compared to men and in need of care and protection) and does the prevailing law of the land allow it? In both cases the answer is no.
Funny how you think it is OK fto break the law of whatever country ouy are in – even harmless laws that do not impede them in the practice of the Muslim religion. Is it OK then for Christians or Hindus to break Sharia law while living in Saudi Arabia, just because they don’t believe in it? The law of a land is the law of a land is it not?
Furthermore, in a country where Sharia law does not prevail, practicing polygamy puts the extra wives and their offspring at a disadvantage because they are not recognized by the court of the land as legitimate. Not all men are good, a man might take advantage of the fact that he is “Muslim” to take more than one wife and then neglect one of his wives or families. Or he can die without leaving a will that clearly states how he wants to divide his property. The Muslim community does not have the legal right in the US to force his legal heirs (as recognized by the law of the land) to give the proper share the rest if they do not want to. Laws exist to maintain order and protect the rights of the people living under the jurisdiction of that law. In a country with people from so many different religions, a secular law is the only one that can be fairly and indiscriminately applied.
I agree, that if the US at some point commands you to do something that you consider immoral, like have a late term abortion, you have the right to refuse, but having only one wife is not immoral.
No one is telling you how to dress or eat or pray or what to believe, but the US government does have the right to tell you that, if you are living on US soil, you can’t have more than one wife.
I, by the way, do not live in the US. I am living in an Arab country. My personal feelings about polygamy aside, here – at least – a second, third, fourth wife and her children are recognized and protected by the law. I think it is immoral to put women and children in a situation where they are not protected by the law. I don’t think following a religion properly means disobeying the law if it does not prevent you from practicing your religion. Having 4 wives is not part of Muslim RELIGION – there is a difference between what God commands us to do or not do and what he allows us to do in the context of a Muslim ruled land. The things that he commands a Muslim to do and not do, those are the things that make one a Muslim (along with the beliefs). The things he allows you to do are not. For example, Muslims are allowed to eat chicken, but eating chicken does not make one a Muslim, it is not essential to one’s faith that one eats Chicken. Not letting a Muslim eat chicken would not be depriving him/her of his/her religious rights, but not letting him pray towards Mecca would be.
November 9th, 2009 on 12:49 AM
Ana – thanks for your welcome.
very interesting blog
November 9th, 2009 on 10:53 AM
Bravo, KP!
November 9th, 2009 on 1:38 PM
JeanneT and KP,
The bottom line is Allah says polygamy is permissible throughout the world. Allah revealed the Qur’an for all times and all mankind. No one should contradict Allah. Again, Allah made polygamy permissible for all mankind for all times.
Don’t misunderstand; polygamy should only be practiced by Believers! Please don’t confuse Muslim with Believer. They are so far apart like East and West. I am not in a polygamous relationship and I am grateful to Allah that I am not. It is NOT my test!
With reference to the post (“Is Polygamy in Islam an Obstacle for Men”
that Ana wrote, asking if polygamy would prevent a man from entering Paradise, I must concur that it could. She made an excellent point, as Allah also says in Qur’an that amongst man’s wives and his children are his enemies. Mankind has the tendency to love created things more than they love our creator.
Allah made the Quran easy to understand and remember. It is those who have a diseased heart that want to change the words of Allah and accept parts of Quran and reject other parts (tearing the Qur’an into shreds). Anyone that opposes polygamy opposes Allah.
You said some men wouldn’t have mates, if men took more than one wife. Sister, Allah chooses everyone’s mate.
I would encourage everyone to remember Allah with much remembrance, as the remembrance of Allah is the greatest thing in this life without a doubt.
This is Allah’s Position and this is now a mute subject for me.
November 9th, 2009 on 4:29 PM
Ali,
You said: “I am not in a polygamous relationship.” In the future, if you ever find that you are, and we’re all still on this blog, please get back to us and let us know your thoughts.
best,
j
November 10th, 2009 on 12:04 AM
Ali,
I don’t think you have a right to judge that those who oppose polygamy oppose Allah. I oppose practicing polygamy in the US, because it is against the law of the land. I didn’t say it is wrong in Saudi Arabia, though I do think that it is wrong if any government that allows it, does not make sure it is practiced correctly and fairly. Most places seem more concerned about protecting the man’s right to practice it, than they do about ensuring that it is done correctly and protecting the rights of the women and children involved.
You completely ignored my point about putting women and children in a vulnerable situation, which practicing polygamy in a land that outlaws it and does not legally recognize such unions does. If one of the main purposes of polygamy was to provide a way for vulnerable women and children to be cared for, is it not wrong to practice it in a situation where it does the opposite?
November 10th, 2009 on 8:57 AM
This is in response to reading KP’s entry, and in response to Ali’s entry. Ali, in your entry, you said: “The bottom line is Allah says polygamy is permissible throughout the world.”
This is the way that I always hear polygamy described, as a “permission”, a privilege, a “right”. Men say, “I have the right to marry a plural wife”. Women say, “my husband has the right to marry another wife”. And both say that it is because God gave men this “right”.
We understand polygamy in this way because we are human beings. We talk about it as a “right” as a “want” as a “permission” because as human beings, we need to survive. We want things, we are selfish, we reach out and take things for ourselves, it is part of our nature. So we describe things in human terms.
But how often do I hear a man say, “I am called to express justice in a manner closer to God, and am willing to accept the challenge and so am marrying a second wife.” Never. He says “would you marry me I have the right to marry a second wife.” How often does a woman say “my husband wants to be closer to God, and WE wish to bring a second wife into our family so this can be accomplished in our lives” Never. She says “my husband wants to marry a second wife”. It is all expressed as a want, a privilege.
And completely independently of the government/religion dilemma, I do not believe God gave people privileges. He placed demands on us as a people. That is my outlook.
November 10th, 2009 on 12:57 PM
KP, did you read my previous reply? I said the Qur’an is for all times and all mankind. Polygamy was made permissible for mankind in all countries, which doesn’t mean it’s Okay to practice it in Saudi Arabia and not the USA. I said polygamy should only be practiced by Believers not Muslims and there is a distinct difference between the two. Allah States in Qur’an that Believing Women are for Believing Men. Allah also Commands us not to marry off our Believing Women to non-Believing Men.
You said I ignored your point “about putting women and children in a vulnerable situation, which practicing polygamy in a land that outlaws it and does not legally recognize such unions does.” It is not the responsibility of State to monitor marriages. It is the woman as well as her family’s responsibility to make the appropriate choice in the selection of a mate in accordance with Qur’an! ” Allah says He protects the Believers, so women and children would not be placed in a “vulnerable situation.” Allah says he protects the Believers. So who better protects than Allah? The problem is with the people that practice polygamy and not polygamy itself.
November 12th, 2009 on 6:40 AM
“putting women and children in a vulnerable situation” because polygamy is not recognized. With nearly 50% of the people in the West no longer marrying and having children ‘out of wedlock’ what is the difference?
You can actually provide for the wives and children with your own initiative!
November 12th, 2009 on 5:56 PM
The difference is that marriage partners have defined rights of support, inheritance, social security, protection from financial abandonment and such. Cohabitants have no such rights. Children have the right to be supported either way.
There is no way to predict the future, and so even with a poor choice in marriage, we can become vulnerable to all sorts of bad situations. And it is fortunate indeed that most women these days are able to provide for themselves and their offspring.
November 15th, 2009 on 4:38 AM
The title of this blog is “Polygamy helps know self and others”. I would like to add something:
When being CEO of one Organization a CEO of a sister office had to be replaced and I was asked whether I would be able to help out. I confidently said ‘yes, of course’. What I did not tell my boss was that my experience of managing two wives gave me definatly the skill of managing two companies, one with 300 and one with 200 staff. To manage the 500 staff was nothing compared to manage the two wives.
I wonder whether we can put that on our CVs?
November 15th, 2009 on 12:47 PM
Haji Rafiq,
I only know that if you were in the USA, you’d only put that on your CV if you wanted to get fired and collect unemployment
You definitely need good managerial skills to manage two wives. I think managing wives is more taxing though; it’s taxing on the mind, body, and wallet…
Perhaps you could answer a question for me. Men always have a favorite wife, one he’d prefer to be with more than the other. That is where the confusion comes in for me. If he’d rather be with the one more than the other, why does he force himself to be away from the one he’d rather be with by taking a second wife that interferes with his closeness to the one closest to him in his heart?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
November 16th, 2009 on 3:45 PM
Difficult question. In my case I would say that when I am away too long from one I miss the other. And wonder how she is getting on. And wonder if she is suffering too much. Both are very different in every respect. One is 32 years younger than the other. Consequently I appreciate the serenity of one and the youth (well, not THAT young anymore) of the other. If I would be with one more than the other I would hurt the other. Consequently my additional enjoyment of the one would be clouded by the additional hurt I caused to the other.
A bit complicated? Yes, that is our way of life…
November 16th, 2009 on 4:42 PM
Haji Rafiq, I understand what you’ve said explicitly; you expressed yourself very clearly. At the same time, you’ve probably answered the other question that I asked you under “The embarrassment of polygamy.” Being settled into your life with your beautiful two wives, I don’t see you wanting to do without one of them by leaving polygamy. Please correct me, if I’m wrong.
It’s nice talking with a man who is living polygamy other than my husband. It’s very helpful. Thank you for being willing to communicate with us. I pray Allah continues to bless you and your family immensely.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
November 17th, 2009 on 4:53 AM
Right, frankly speaking, one more wife would be nice, a young one again. What is keeping me back is really that I would miss seeing one of the wives or the children only every third day. Consequently I probably will ‘make do’ with the two of them only. Unless they would all agree to live in one large house… No sign of that yet. But there is always hope I suppose.
November 17th, 2009 on 6:35 PM
Haji Rafiq,
Like the women said in http://polygamy411.com/?s=polygamy+in+usa+new+york – “I can’t live with the woman in my house…” that would be me, personally speaking. I have a difficult enough time accepting my husband going off to sleep in bed with another woman, let alone knowing he’s doing it in my house. That would be the epitome of torture for me. Many, many women can do it and I’m not condemning it for them at all. I just know what works and doesn’t, or wouldn’t work for me.
Some women like taking ownership of their home, furnishing it, decorating it, etc. exactly the way they want…with their personal decor, personal touch. Besides not liking their husbands sharing a bed with another woman, some women don’t want another woman in her kitchen.
For women not liking polygamy to begin with, it would be too selfish on a man’s part to impose that additional burden on her. At least you’re kind enough to not force it, but only hope.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 10th, 2010 on 1:05 AM
@ Ana salaam alaykum, I know this is an old post, but just to leave a note; A muslim man does not have the right to *force* his wives to live together. He can only do it if they both or all agree. But then I can understand the fact that a man who does not want to force this is seen as *kind* as many others don’t care about what is right or not or about the rights of the women.