“Cheating” (Single-Monagamous-Polygamous)
by ana on Apr.30, 2009, under polygamy - the aftermath, Section 1
“Cheating” is the cause of many divorces in America. Most women in America have so little patience and tolerance for “sharing” men. It usually only takes one time for most women to find out their boyfriends or husbands are “cheating” on them and they end the relationships, separate, or divorce.
So when a woman is forthcoming and makes no qualms that she doesn’t want polygamy from the day she first met her husband to be or lets him know that she does not like living it when it happens and he does it anyhow or doesn’t care, base emotions like jealousy, envy, bitterness, anger or hatred on the wife’s part could sky rocket out of control.
Just imagine what it must be like for some women to experience the reality of “cheating”, so it seems, every few days like clock work. Still after eight months of living polygamy it felt like ”cheating” to me. But instead of it just happening one time, it felt like it kept happening again and again and again-like a crazy yo yo game.
Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, I’ll accept Allah’s decision with enthusiasm and Carolinah and I, if it pleases Allah, will become like “sister-wives.” “Sister-wives”-I like the way that sounds.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
April 30th, 2009 on 9:16 AM
Im just curious as to why you (or anyone) assumes that Alex thrusting you into polygany against your will was Gods choice for you…something you need to bear and experience and find a way though? Why cant it just be that Alex made the choice to force it upon you and that be the end of it? If we are gifted with the freedom of choice…then why do we then turn around and say its Gods will?
Can it be both…
April 30th, 2009 on 2:15 PM
Hi Coolred38,
You posed a very good question. I don’t really want to address it too much here though, as it could cause a lot of controversy, leading off in a direction I don’t want to go, as there are family, friends, and visitors here from various religious backgrounds with different teachings. The question that you just asked could be a start of a new blog for you, and probably would generate much discussion.
Discussing polygamy is a bit different, as everyone is expressing feelings, discussing thoughts, and talking about experiences referencing plural marriages, polygamy, polygyny, which all boils down to a man having more than one wife. I think polygamy is a safe forum to discuss without stepping on many person’s toes. And it’s Ok to discuss marriages whether polygamous or monogamous. But the question that you asked takes everything to another level. So, I’ll just briefly speak about what you asked, as it applies to Alex, Carolinah and me, from my perspective. I ask that everyone bear with me as I don’t want to offend anyone; I certainly don’t want to offend God.
I think your question, if I understand it correctly, is whether thrusting polygamy on me was Alex’s decision or God’s. My answer is: I think it “can be both” (so it seems)-”Choice the Illusion.” God already determined how Alex, Carolinah, and my life would be. God wrote the script for each of us before we were born. The ink is dried. We, of course don’t know what God wrote. So we go throughout life living it, thinking we’re making decisions.
Although it was written by God that Alex marry Carolinah, God is still going to hold Alex accountable for marrying her; although God wrote the script. Alex is going to have to account to God for why he did it, how he did it, what he does in it etc. If Alex did it just for selfish gain, and didn’t really care anything about doing it to seek God’s pleasure, to please God and enter Paradise, then it could lead Alex to the Hell Fire, unless he asks God’s forgiveness and repents. If he married Carolinah with God in mind, consciously thinking all along that he wanted to do good things for Carolinah to help her, to do good deeds to help him enter Paradise, to even prevent commiting fornication conscious of God, it could help him enter Paradise.
Now, as for me, God wrote my script, as well. It’s all in a book. All that has happened to me, God wrote would happen. Now, I’m going through life, not knowing what God wrote until it happens…living life. But, all the while, I’m trying to stay conscious of God. I recognize the hatred, anger, bitterness, jealousy, rancor, the darkness in my heart. I see the arrogance in me. But, if I work hard to obey God, He would purify my heart, remove all those negative based characteristics in me and make my heart sound, and let me enter Paradise. Now, I could leave polygamy, if God wrote that for me, and go off in another direction with my heart all screwed up, dark and ugly and ultimately go to the Hellfire, unless God puts me in some other devastating situation to help me cleanse my heart.
Jane said polygamy is not like having cancer; I don’t have to live with it. I beg to differ. I think everything in life is a lot like cancer. No one chooses cancer. Life is forced on us, as well. It just seems as though we have a choice. Cancer (Having the disease is not by choice) is just easier to understand.
The real and only choice we have is either to serve God by obeying His commands, or not obey Him. There is no compulsion to serve God. That is the only real choice we have.
That’s the best I can say right now-my perspective. I hope my answer was helpful… It was an excellent question
April 30th, 2009 on 7:04 PM
I have the impression that God, as you describe Him, writes responsibility for action into the script for men, and responsibility for prioritizing feelings about the actions men take into the script for women. Is that correct, from your standpoint?
May 1st, 2009 on 1:13 PM
Hi Judith,
I appreciate you joining us. I think it best I not reply to your comment, as it is not the proper forum to discuss it.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
May 1st, 2009 on 4:15 PM
Ana,
OK. Thanks.
j
May 1st, 2009 on 9:40 PM
Ana said: “Sister-wives” -I like the way that sounds.
This sounds like progress already, no?
September 4th, 2009 on 8:24 AM
assalamou alaykoum Anna,
in addition to the previous questions, I want to add the following. In reading and interpreting Qu’raan, like I do as a muslim, I look at the text in total and the context of polygamy is: IF you fear you cannot treat the orphans justly, THEN marry 2 or 3 or 4 wives.
So the condition is for a social reason: if there are few men (for ex after the battle of Uhud when the surah was sent down), but a lot of women with children that are not properly cared for, then… Unfortunately the first IF part is usually left out. You cannot simply interpret a verse on its own!!! You must see the context and why it was given to our Prophet pbuh.
So in other words, I honestly don’t understand why so many muslims (especially the men) just say that it is allowed for any reason, because it is their right to do so. I read it as a right for women and orphans in a special situation.
And to be honest, not to sound harsh, but as I interpret your story, Alex doesnt even know that much about Islam himself. Shouldn’t he be busy learning about it instead of spending his time finding other women? I am a muslim myself and to be honest I find that guys like Alex are giving a totally wrong example of Islam, and muslima’s like you should take the time to understand why exactly the Qu’raan admitted it and what are their rights instead of just staying passive in everything that happens to you, explaining it by the will of Allah
wassalaam,
Ilse
September 4th, 2009 on 3:21 PM
Ilse, did you make a mistake in the first paragraph referencing THE HOLY QUR’AN? Or did you make a typographical error?
September 4th, 2009 on 3:36 PM
Ilse, As Salaamu Alaikum. You do not sound harsh and I appreciate your comment.
I don’t believe I am being passive in everything that happens and explain it as Allah’s will. I’m just trying to accept Allah’s decision regarding what has happened with Alex and me, and not reject Him. One thing I know is that I am not Alex’s lord and I cannot prevent him from doing what he wants to do. So if Alex chooses to practice polygamy, which is permitted for men, Alex is accountable. Alex is accountable as to his reasons for practicing polygamy, how he practices it and whether he’s right or wrong for practicing it. Alex didn’t wrong me; he wronged his own soul if he violated any part of the dictates of Quran. I speak about what has happened with Alex and me, and my feelings and thoughts about Alex’s decision and how his decision has affected me.
I agree with you much; Alex would have been better off learning about Islam opposed to satisfying his desire for other women.
What would you suggest I do to be non-passive in this situation. Is being passive a bad thing?
People are not our example, but the Prophets are.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.