Polygamy 411

I’ve been following your BLog for some time now and I have read every back post and so on and even though I am not Muslim, I have felt that the main problem in your poly marriage is the fact that it seems Alex and Carolinah aren’t really truelly practicing the religion. Which in my eyes as an outsider is the main problem. To me it seems that Carolinah just did what she had to, so she could Alex cause she needed Sex and Money and Alex was too blind to relize it and by being with her his studying of the religion has suffered, which then comes back to you and makes it hard for you to be true.

Just my 2 cents and I apologize if I spoke of matters I don’t know or if I used any offensive words or such.

Oh Heather, you’re so sweet. Everything you’ve said was perfectly OK. No need to apologize for anything. I’m so happy to hear you’ve been following the blog, and especially happy that you’ve commented. Your two cents are very valuable to me. With all the two cents that I’ve been receiving, I’ll soon have a pound of gold

I hope you continue to journey with us here. Let’s travel together into the future, into a New Year. Thank you Heather!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Salam,
I too applaud the stand that you are making. In a way you are reminding Alex to become a better muslim for the sake of your future in the afterlife. If he choose not to, at least you have done your part in reminding/warning him

As salaamu alaykum Ana!

I’ve had to read all around to catch up with this whole situation, following my amazement at this post. I’m so happy and grateful to Allah that this is finally becoming clear and you are getting to where you need to be psychologically, and more importantly, religiously.

Much as I’ve prayed for these revelations and actions to come, I knew that only Allah holds the “timeline” for such things. Alhamdul’Illah! I look forward to reading how this progresses. No question, when you put Allah first, everything else falls into place.

Big hugs and a double scoop of organic ice-cream!

Congratulations Ana. This has truly uplifted my day. Remember when you said “stay tuned for a new beginning”? I assumed you were referring to your new website, but maybe whatever was meant, this is what it was.

Remember also, the second step will be harder than the first. But that is what we are here for.

And yes, organic ice cream is best. But there is no such thing as bad ice cream, if the best is not available.

Salaam Habibti!
I loved this
I am so happy. I hope things can keep progressing forward.

Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Amina

If things would continue to progress with Alex and I, it would be nice. I’m trying my best to stay optimistic about it all We’ll see what happens. The best thing for us to do is take one day at a time and see where it leads. I guess…Thank you Amina!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Live, Laugh, and Love, I just got off the phone with Alex, discussing our lives including Carolinah All of what you said I agree with that with her it’s just a “facade” and if she has not come around by now, she won’t, especially after this conversation. Alex took total blame for what has happened (our polygamous mess). He made suggestions for how he and I could begin to devote more of our time together to study and worship. He said he’s been trying to get Carolinah to understand that she has to try to accept me and put her hurt feelings behind her. He advised her that she at least has to greet me in return when I greet her saying, “As Salaamu Alaikum.”

I informed Alex that it was three years Saturday that they were “married.” I said there is a serious problem, if after three years she can’t even bring herself to return a greeting to me when Allah commands us to do so. I said it’s as simple as saying “hi”. He said he knows but can’t force her to do it.

I was thinking, Live, Laugh, and Love, it would be nice to start over with a woman as Alex’s wife that I’m compatible with, but I don’t forsee it happening. Alex is in too deep with Carolinah now; not only does he have an emotional investment, but a financial one, as well. If he leaves her, she will, without a doubt, loose her house. He pays half her mortgage, plus supplements her income buying food and whatever else. Would he walk away and let that happen? Would she tell him the “marriage” is over and loose her investment, her home in which her children reside? Seems she’s here to stay, based on my insight. I certainly wouldn’t tolerate him leaving her, and continuing to give her all those monies. If he’s going to pay her, he better go over there and stay too.

I can only be optimistic and happy about Alex and me and our efforts to grow closer to Allah together. I’m not so optimistic about what is going to happen with him, Carolinah and me. So you see Live, Laugh and Love, you are not far from the mark. I thank you much for all your prayers and well wishing

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Salaam To All,

The important thing is the event and statement of a resolve to turn to Allah and Islam for both of you. Do not concern yourself with Carolinah, leave the resolution of that mess to Allah and Alex. pray for his hidayah … that he may see the eternal significance rather than the temporal.

A few years ago, when I converted, i lost everything I had and was in a state of pauperdom in a strange land amongst starngers. I lost house, farm, wife and two children because of my conversion. But i gained truth, the help and refuge of Allah (SWT) and true freedom of consciousness and deed in return. There is no comparison between before and after.

True freedom is only expressed when we choose what is best and of benefit for all involved in our lives with respect to akhira. There is no division between the deen and the Hereafter … it is Tawhid, a whole and a continuum. This is the direction in which Ana and Alex must now turn together in marriage or let it be a division if Alex opts for the dunya without the refuge of Allah. Allah knows best.

Wasalaam,

dr omar

Thank you CM I knew that title would be an attention catcher. It wasn’t deceptive though; I was speaking of a another wife, but not a new as in third one, just a replacement second one LOL I got a good chuckle out of that one myself…

You’re absolutely amazing too, CM. I hope you’re keeping our mutual friend in check LOL

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Ameen ….

I agree with you Live, Laugh, Love. I think by giving Alex the option of having a replacement wife for Carolinah makes him realize that it’s not just about him and I going back to monogamy. (Thank you Dr. Omar for giving me the idea of the replacement wife.) I would imagine once a male has been polygamous, it’s difficult to return to monogamy. Although, I’ve heard of many cases where it has happened. Even me, for that matter, I don’t think I’d like going back to monogamy, having Alex sitting up under me every night again. And like my friend said, polygamy is good because you don’t have to worry about someone trying to jump up and down on you all the time.

I just hate so much how she totally disrespected me in every way possible, Alex and her, the two of them. I don’t think I’d ever be able to accept her, nor do I think she’d ever be able to accept me, Allah knows best.

I really don’t know what kind of fixing can be done here, but we shall soon see. Allah knows best, she may have to lose the house for using Islam to keep it. The house was getting ready to be forclosed on when Alex “married” her. I’d be so happy if I could just put it out of my mind completely and let Allah deal with her, as He is a Just God. It’s just so very hard to do. Sometimes it’s real easy and then RELASPSE.

Thanks Live, Laugh, Love!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Ana,
It looks like you are back to your original conclusion from day one of learning of the potential, of a second wife. Divorce is eminent.
I think you will look back at this three years and see that it was somehow a necessary detour and it prepared you for something in the future. A sort of “from this Hour of agony, we will rise” type of revelation.
Be strong, and Hold the course.

The fact that you even suggest a second wife (again), is CRAZY and counter to your Personal Core Values. Your Beliefs allows for multi-wives, but your Logic knows, God does not MANDATE them.
It has taken you 3 years to gain the strength to stand up for yourself.

Do it. Stand strong, and know God is on your side.

I only know your life via this blog.

Once single, or single wifed, take some time to understand who you are again, and understand what you want and what defines a happy life for you.
That’s what I am trying to figure out too…….. the “Happy Life part”
Good Luck !

So glad to hear things are looking up for you! It may not be an easy road to take but it is the best one for all of you, no one would have been happy continuing on the way things were going, and i hope you do find someone that you are both compatible with if that is what you truly desire, it is a blessing i speak here from experience as you know, things are going well on my side too, better than ever again, very glad to hear things are going well

Hi Ana,

This sounds like a huge positive step forward for you. I do have a question though – if Alex tells you that Carolinah is now practicing Islam properly will you take his word for it? I’m not suggesting that you should or shouldn’t, I was just wondering how you would deal with that situation.

God bless you.

Bek

Hi Bek and Judith,

I’m excited about all that has been transpiring, especially since I have more consistency in my life. Alex and I are communicating much better, really communicating, not just superficially. Last night we had a spat in the course of communicating (not about polygamy), but it was short lived and forgotten by the a.m. I agree with you Judith; I think 2010 is going to be a wonderful year for us, regarding personal and spiritual growth.

Bek, you asked: “If Alex tells you that Carolinah is now practicing Islam properly will you take his word for it?” Judith, you asked: “What terms, Ana, in your practice of Islam, would have to be met, for you to accept Carolinah as the second wife?” My answer is, NO. I would not take Alex’s word for it that Carolinah is practicing Islam properly. I would have to see some concrete evidence of it. I would need to investigate whether it’s true or not. A first step and a beginning would be for her to reach out to me and acknowledge that I exist. Even if she were just to say, “As Salaamu Alaikum” (Peace be unto you), it would be a start. I think the fact that Carolinah dismissed me for three years is what hurts so badly. From day one she said she didn’t want to know I exist. By me reiterating this (Everyone has read so many times about it on this blog) lets you know how deeply painful it still is for me.

At this stage in my life, Carolinah would have to initiate contact with me. My intention is to be receptive, kind, and polite to her. I think so much negativity between her and I have taken place to the point that it would not be easy for us to go forward together without much skepticism and suspicion. I would not go out of my way to befriend her or communicate with her. She would have to show a sincere desire to learn about Islam by being inquisitive or giving me some indication in her conversations with me that she knows an inkling about Islam. If she doesn’t appear to be striving to acquire knowledge and practice Islam then I don’t want to have anything to do with her on a one on one. I wouldn’t have any of these things to worry about with a new wife to replace Carolinah, as I would assist Alex in investigating thoroughly to ascertain the new wife’s level of belief. I no longer question whether Carolinah is Alex’s wife. If he says she is then I’m accepting she is his wife. I’m holding onto my marriage license, is all I can say

That was an excellent question and I thank the two of you. I hope I answered it satisfactorily. Please don’t hesitate to ask anything at all. I would try my best to answer. Thank you.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Wasalaam “Esposa”Dos

Thank you for wishing Carolinah and me well. I understand what you said-that I should put myself in Carolinah’s place. On a number of occasions, Alex has said that Carolinah can’t forget what I’ve said to her, which is why she won’t communicate with me. I tried to explain to Alex that this entire situation all began with his and Carolinah’s actions, her resuming a relationship with my husband behind my back. She was ready for polygamy, my husband, sex with him and his money, but didn’t have the decency to say to me As Salaamu Alaikum and introduce herself. She still refuses to take that step. Those are the reasons I abused her. She needs to take a step to make this right. That is just the way I see it.

I’m thinking perhaps it’s better that she and I remain separate from each other for whatever reason (Allah knows best). My intention is to stay clear of her unless she takes the initiative to communicate with me. I still have strong desires to text or call her and lash out at her again to hurt her because I’m still furious that she’s disrespected me and continues to disrespect me so badly.

I’ve been wondering about #1 on your end. How did she come to know of you and how soon afterwards did you move in? Did he discuss it all with her before hand and how soon before? I keep thinking about the article on the blog under polygamy in various countries. I think it’s polygamy in New York; they gave an example of a man who came home with a woman and said something to his wife like-this is my new wife; she’ll be living with us. I was wondering if it was a similar situation for # 1 in your scenario. Living polygamy can hurt so much on so many different levels. I think it’s a gradual process to come to terms with polygamy for most women.

I’m making dua for you. I pray that all gets much better and you sort it all out so you will have peace and happiness. You sound like a very nice person.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

We shall certainly see, Jeanne T. I’m really beginning to enjoy and appreciate my time alone, having my space, so either way it goes it works for me. Thanks for cheering me on.

Where have you been? I’ve missed you. What happening on your end? I hope all is good…

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.