Scheduling Problem Revisits My Polygamous Marriage
by ana on May.04, 2009, under my story today
Yes. You heard it right. The scheduling problem in my polygamous marriage has revisited me. How in the world did that happen? I thought not in a million years would Alex, Carolinah, and me be right back where we were, arguing about the schedule, arguing about the days. A schedule is a simple thing to figure out and put together… Right? You would think so.
I’ll try to make this as brief as possible, since we’ve been over scheduling problems here quite often before. I’m a little bit embarrassed to present it to you again. I was considering not doing so, but you all have been with me all this time, journeying with me, so I feel you should be with me on this too.
The last time we spoke about the schedule, I informed you that it had been finalized for the remainder of the year 2009. To recap, Alex thought Carolinah was due more vacation time, but I didn’t think she was. Nonetheless, she was given four days. The schedule has changed a bit since I last wrote. Alex will be with me during Christmas and News years although we don’t celebrate. Carolinah shouldn’t much care, as she has to work holidays. She has that type of job. So, the schedule is complete for the rest of the year.
Alex is scheduled to begin a stay at home vacation with Carolinah tomorrow for eleven days (seven days plus the four makeup days that I mentioned above). Before Alex left me on Thanksgiving Day to go be with Carolinah, I suddenly received a revelation that the four days that Alex had given Carolinah were not due her at all. A light came on in my head and it all became vividly clear to me. I brought it to Alex’s attention and explained. This drove him crazy of course. He hates dealing with scheduling issues. He went on and on about how the schedule was already prepared for the rest of the year. I advised him that I didn’t desire him to change the schedule or take the days from Carolinah. I advised him that I only wanted to be compensated for the days, given four days as well, whether this year or next.
That conversation took place Thursday (Thanksgiving Day). Yesterday, Saturday, I found proof that Carolinah was not due those four days. I found the schedule that Alex had prepared with all Carolinah’s makeup days and vacation days. I emailed it to him. That’s when the chaos began. Alex and I emailed back and forth most of the day. Alex asking me how I calculated; when she got the days, and what kind of days they were etc, etc, etc… He insisted she didn’t get her days. He was getting the old way we used to do the scheduling (until my wali intervened) confused with how we’re doing the scheduling since June 2009. Based on the old way of doing things, which is the time period in question, all her days were accounted for. Alex, at one point, stopped responding to my emails and I had become worked up in a tizzy by then.
I emailed Alex a number of more times during the evening and in the early morning hours with my proof that Carolinah was due no days. I tried to make it as clear and as simple as I could. In fact, I just finished emailing him right before I started writing this post, to see whether he had come to a conclusion. He didn’t email me back. I called him on his cell phone; however, he didn’t answer. He’s due home soon, so I should find out the ending to the story.
I’m very disturbed by what has taken place because I know Carolinah was well aware that she wasn’t due those days that she was given, but she didn’t speak up. I am disturbed because Alex, who should be on top of the schedule, a simple basic part of polygamy, can’t ever get it right. I’m disturbed, as I don’t know how much fraud has been committed by Alex and Carolinah in the past when they prepared the schedule. Yes, I know it was partly my fault for not being an active participant in making the schedule for approximately two and a half years. I just couldn’t handle marriage on a schedule at that time.
How Alex handles this matter would determine how our marriage proceeds. I’ve advised him of that in one of the emails. If he can’t be fair and just with me after all the sacrifices I’ve made in this marriage for him to be with Carolinah, then I need to question whether I need to remain in it. If Alex can’t get a simple schedule right, we’ve looking at some serious problems ahead.
I’ll keep you posted!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
11/29/09
-
As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
November 29th, 2009 on 6:31 PM
I “feel you” girl. And I also feel FOR you. You need a lot of LOVE, WISDOM and GRACE from the SPIRIT of GOD to deal with this successfully – however you decide to handle it. I suggest that as long as you stay in the relationship – live in love toward them. Don’t be nit-picky about your schedule or anything else. But do require honesty from them or else.
If Alex doesn’t want to be honest with you or FAIR or JUST then He is violating His right to have a Polygamous marriage – according to the Koran right?
I suggest that you bring this to your “elders” attention and have them deal with it. Let Alex know that you are not playing. Don’t be his fool. You do not want to appear as the weak or “needy” one.
Be strong. Don’t be afraid of being alone. You can find a much better husband than Alex if need be. I believe you have a lot to offer which the right person would sincerely appreciate. Perhaps you have outgrown your relationship with Alex.
Just some food for thought.
November 29th, 2009 on 7:42 PM
Oooh, that is so very sweet and comforting. Thank you Curtis Farmer!
I have good news; at least I think it is. Alex and I came to a resolution. At first it entailed somewhat of a heated argument and then we calmed down and he conceded I was right about the schedule. So, I’ve selected my days, which I’ll take in February. I truly felt this was the turning point…not so much about getting my way, but about fairness and justice.
By the way, I swung by your blog. It’s very, very nice. I think when Alex leaves tomorrow, I’ll get a chance to visit and spend some time with you there
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
November 30th, 2009 on 2:49 AM
Well, what did I say about ‘flexibility’ ?
November 30th, 2009 on 5:42 AM
I hear you (LOL), but flexibility is out the door when it comes to me. There is no flexibility when there is no love in the heart of a wife for a husband’s other “wife.” I’m sure flexibility would be nice
November 30th, 2009 on 6:40 AM
Oh, I almost forgot; I was flexible. Alex was quite generous. He insisted that I take three additional days that I accused him and Carolinah of taking from me this past July. I declined and said I wouldn’t revisit the issue with those three days again. I wonder how many days were misplaced when I was in a semi-comatose state.
Anyway, it’s all good. With my four days in February, I secured Valentine’s Day although I shouldn’t celebrate (I can’t help it. Love is in the air everywhere that day). With President’s Day attached, it bought me seven days. I may treat Alex to a cruise on those days, if I can find a convenient one, Insha Allah.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
November 30th, 2009 on 9:56 PM
I think this man likes to see women fight over him.
Don’t give him the satisfaction. Be independent and strong.
December 1st, 2009 on 2:50 AM
Chatelaine, I think you have a point there. “Independent and strong” is good. I was wondering whether Alex was enjoying the dissention.
One of my sisters, just this evening, said to me, “He must have a big head (ego)” with Carolinah and me fighting over spending time with him.
Alex spent part of the day with me today. He left late this afternoon. I was very strong when he left, no mushy, gushy, I love you, crying, sad stuff. Thank God much for that. As Curtis Farmer stated, I shouldn’t be a “weak”, “needy”, fool”.
I feel at peace and content with his absence at the moment. I can only pray that I’ll steadily continue to grow and get better.
Thank you, Chatelaine.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 1st, 2009 on 2:55 AM
Haji Rafiq, I was expecting you to get hit with a lot of questions, since you live polygamy and could possibly shed some light on the subject from a male’s perspective. I can say you’ve enlightened me, regarding some things.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 1st, 2009 on 11:16 AM
Hi Ana,
Could I ask you to share with us some time what the positives are in your relationship with Alex? These are the things I’ve heard so far: (using my own words)
1. It could be worse.
2. Even though there is a second wife, at least it makes me feel that I’m first.
3. Everthing is ordained to be the way it is. I’m free to leave, but if that happens, it will have been ordained.
Thanks Ana, as always, J.
December 1st, 2009 on 7:48 PM
Yes Judith. I certainly could do that. I’m so used to venting about the negative, and not talking about the good things that happen in my marriage; I could see how it appears there is only bad in it. I surmise that is why I haven’t been writing much lately about my life, as there hasn’t been much drama to speak of. I’ve just been settling in. But, it is part of my journey so I should write about it.
So, I will move on. It may be awkward initially. I feel in talking about the good in my life, I’m gloating. I’ll try to get past that though and share.
Judith, thanks for helping me move my writing forward in a new direction.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 1st, 2009 on 8:14 PM
As I stated before, Alex likes to see the two of you struggle over him. Stop struggling, and simply make yourself less available to him. Explore other interests outside of your home. Consider taking classes at a university, or perhaps take practical classes in the arts for your entertainment and self development. You will find this to be a pleasant diversion, and you may meet interesting people as well. Too much of your life and your time is focused on Alex, his needs, and your need to have him in your life. He hardly spends any time taking your needs into consideration, so why make his needs your priority? What exactly does Alex offer to you, other than the title “Mrs.” in front of your name?
December 1st, 2009 on 9:06 PM
Chatelaine, you offered good advice. There are good things happening in my life with Alex that I don’t speak of. I intend for that to change. I’m glad Judith brought it to my attention today. I’ve been intending to take the blog in a different direction to show the positive aspects of polygamy as I know of them, and see them in my life.
I am quite busy and not totally pre-occupied with Alex. I have begun preliminary work on my business, but need to spend more time with it and take it further. It is going to entail a tremendous amount of work, putting together the business plan and obtaining financing and all. It concerns me, as I’ve grown so attached to spending so much time with everyone here, writing and reading and I dislike the thought of not being able to communicate as often with everyone. I can’t even find enough time to visit all my friends’ blogs and I feel badly about it.
I’ve been trying to get the new marriage site up and running, as well. It’s technically challenging. I hope to have that in effect by the New Year. So, I have been quite busy with things besides Alex. I guess there’s no way of anyone knowing that unless I speak up about it. Thank you much, Chatelaine for your earnest concern, and all your suggestions. It mean very much to me
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 2nd, 2009 on 11:54 PM
What are your expectations of a relationship with a man?
What was the nature of your relationship with your father ?
What was the nature of the relationship between
your mother and your father ?
December 3rd, 2009 on 1:25 AM
Chatelaine, those are very good questions. Why do you ask?
I’m going to contemplate my answers to those questions and contemplate how those relationships may have impacted my life and my expectations of a relationship.
Do you think there is a relation between the answers to those questions and the reason women end up accepting polygamous relationship?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 3rd, 2009 on 1:33 PM
Sounds ok, but please ignore such advice as be less available to him. What do such people have in mind? I see that you came to a solution. With love, flexibility and good intentions you can always find a solution. Your flexibility will be a good investment as you will be appreciated and lobed more.
December 3rd, 2009 on 10:46 PM
Ana,
My theory is that women who accept polygyny may be willing to accept a relationship with a man who is only partially available to them physically and emotionally. Perhaps a woman would accept this polygynous relationship model as being acceptable because her parents had a relationship where there was significant emotional or physical distance, or because the woman had an unavailable or distant father. That is my hypothesis.
December 4th, 2009 on 6:06 AM
Haji rafiq, it’s funny, Alex is with Carolinah on vacation this week and part of next. He emailed me on Wednesday and said he’d like to come over Thursday. I said OK. He’s done that in the past when he’s been with her and I used to try to analyze it all. Was he not having such a good time with her? Did he rather be with me than her? This time, I didn’t do that, as it didn’t matter and it felt good not caring.
The main reason I wouldn’t make myself less available to Alex is because I believe that was part of what got him and me into the situation that we currently are in. I wasn’t available for him before he married Carolinah. I was not, despite my reasons for not being.
I think being less available may work in a dating relationship, but not necessarily a marriage. Now I can certainly see the importance of a wife having “a life” and not being “needy”, otherwise her husband could be put off by her or he becomes her lord and that’s not good either. The way I see it; there needs to be a balance.
I’m happy he and I reach a solution.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 4th, 2009 on 6:55 AM
Chatelaine,
I think there may be truth in your theory. I believe what happens in our lives, during our formative years gives shape to who we are. I had a “distant”, “unavailable” biological father. My mother was cold, aloof, and emotionally detached from my stepdad. She didn’t realize she loved him until after she divorced him. I was the same toward Alex and didn’t take notice of him until he “married” Carolinah. It’s all so interesting.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 4th, 2009 on 6:02 PM
I see you have great insight.
May it guide your decision making in your relationship.
January 20th, 2010 on 5:54 PM
Are you sure you are not married to my husband?? Seriously Ana, I feel for you. My family goes down this road off and on also, and when it’s on it can be miserable. Some people, in particular people who don’t adjust well to schedules or who refuse to accept them in their hearts, aren’t meant for polygamy. At least that is how I feel. A schedule kept is the only way, with some flexibility of course, to maintain tranquility and respect in my belief. Grr I hate the schedule.
January 20th, 2010 on 11:32 PM
You said a mouth full New#3. Refusing in our hearts to accept a schedule is a huge problem. It’s sooooo difficult. I still sit down and study the schedule often to make sure Carolinah doesn’t have any advantage over me. I hate the way it makes me feel, so petty and obsessive.
There was an incident recently. When Alex and I last went away on vacation in November, he left Carolinah early in the a.m., earlier than he normally would have left her if he had to go to work, as we had a plane to catch. I thought; I’m going to hear this again one day soon.
Sure enough, I heard it. The past recent holidays, Carolinah had to work them. I guess she had off a Saturday after to make up for it. Alex spoke to me about leaving me early that Sat. He wanted to leave around 10:00 a.m instead of 4:00ish p.m. He cited he had some hours to make up with her from our vacation. I said no. Make them up the next time she has vacation. I know it was petty and mean, but I’m sorry. Why should I accomodate her? She won’t even acknowledge I exist.
New#3, I understand exactly what you speak of. No one knows it better than me. Haji Rafiq, wouldn’t like what we say. He’s an advocate for flexibility. You mentioned flexibility is good. I believe flexibility is good too. I’m just having a difficult time with flexibility.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 21st, 2010 on 9:29 AM
‘flexibility’. One of the ways mean people take advantage of kind people. No thanks. I prefer the sound of ‘backbone.’
January 21st, 2010 on 1:12 PM
I hear you! Give a person an inch and they take a mile. By saying no to that Saturday request, it prevents me from having to deal with anymore of them. And you know they would have been coming. I have no reason to have any consideration for Carolinah.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.