Defending Polygamous Husbands
by ana on May.05, 2009, under polygamy - the aftermath, Section 1
I recently received a comment in reply to a question that I asked when I first began this blog: “I’ve heard that most men who practice polygamy usually have a very kind heart. What do you think?”
Initially when I first began writing this blog, I found myself leaning towards writing superficially. I wanted to paint Alex as a good, kind hearted person of perfection. Needless to say, I quickly caught myself, brought myself back to reality, and remembered to keep my story real, not sugar coat it, nor clean it up to make it sound good.
I wonder if it was natural for me to want to defend Alex. I thought about women who have experienced domestic violence and how, more often than not, they defend their husbands. The husband might have thrown her down a flight of stairs, blackened her eye, and left her with black and blue bruises all about her body, etc… You’ve heard the stories. And yet, afterwards she says something like: He’s a good man. He loves me. He treats me real good. He’s wonderful. He just did those things because blah, blah, blah…but he really didn’t mean it.
Emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, says the experts with training in the field of ”Domestic Violence.”  I asked myself if there is some similarity to the way I sometimes think of Alex and the way women of domestic violence think of their husbands. I mean, after all, why would I praise a man who took another wife against my wishes, without compassion for me, without consulting with me, and watched me suffer day in and day out?
Do some wives in polygamous marriages, like women in domestic violence, put up a defense mechanism, as well? In a previous post I spoke about “Why I stay” in my marriage. Why I stay should not prevent me from recognizing who Alex is.  I need to be careful to whom I give praise. I caught that early on in my writings.
All praise is due to Allah.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
May 5th, 2009 on 10:07 PM
Do you feel Alex emotionally or psychologically abused you or do you think he was just selfish and did what he did without even considering how it would affect you?
May 5th, 2009 on 10:52 PM
That’s a good thought provoking question. If was predominately selfishness, I have to say….that was some severe, extreme selfishness on Alex’s part. I begged, pleaded with him to give me a moment before he married Carolinah, to give me a chance to breath, so as to say. But he totally refused and you know how it began to unfold from there.
Yes, in my case, Alex was definietly abusive and selfish. He was very unhappy with me. He said she "comforted" him. He said he went to her to get "peace." The way he yelled at me, when I had an emergency the one day and asked where he had been-he yelled, "I was at Carolinah’s house." I was somewhat upset when he said, "She comforts me." He then said, "I wonder what you’d do if she becomes Muslim." He wanted to hurt me.
Alex was unquestionably selfish, as well. He thought how he’d benefit by marrying Carolinah. When Carolinah told Alex that she was thinking about becoming Muslim, he initially told her to go to the mosque to learn. What made him change his mind and say he’d teach her? Could it be he contemplated the benefits: He already knew her, had been with her, and knew her children. He could get away from me, not have to practice Islam and could be himself. Oooops…and let’s not forget about his love for her. Do you think it crossed his mind that if he sent her to the mosque some other man would marry her and move into her house with her?
Alex saw much benefit in staying with me, as well. As another commenter said, he probably wanted to have his cake and eat it too. And he wanted to pay me back for all the misery he thought I had put him through for five years. Yeap, I think it was selfishness and abuse…
September 29th, 2009 on 7:32 AM
As Salamu alaikum,
Ok, Ana I’m wondering why you invited me to this site. I was single when you invited me. I’m married now but I’m lost as to why I was asked to come to this site.
Now as to you defending Alex is not a choice but your duty as his sister in Islam and more so as his wife. We cover the fault of our brothers and sisters. We don’t air out their dirty laundry. If this is done then there would not be a need to defend him.
i agree that we need to address the a lot of issues around this matter. I don’t think it should be done from a personal bases unless it is a matter that needs the ummah to defend ones safty.
I wish marry another wife some day. And if I was to do so it will always be looked at as a selfish act. Even if I married an older sister that can not have children and need nothing but my support and gave her sexual rites to the first wife.
Allah says that we can not deal justly with our wives and for that reason alone a man that does marry more that one wife will alway be on the defence.
My wife tells me that if I going to marry another woman to do it now before she gets use to being the only one.
That sounds like a set up, a test. Why? Well she latter says she don’t understand why a man will marry another woman if the first wife does all he needs and wants. And says just cause a man can marry more than one wife doesn’t make it right.
September 30th, 2009 on 7:12 PM
Khaliyludin,
As Salaamu Alaikum. Welcome! Thank you for honoring us by being a part of a special select group of men who have joined us, and shared their views and sentiments. It is always a pleasure hearing from the men. We could learn much from all of you that have joined us.
I was doing some networking, which is how I found you. It’s difficult to know who is or is not receptive to polygamy, and willing to discuss it. I never know who may know someone that is in a polygamous relationship that needs or want to talk about it.
I beg to differ with you when you say that the issues surrounding polygamy should not be dealt with on a personal basis. There are a tremendous number of women living polygamy or dealing with the thought that one day they may. Women are suffering and in agony to a degree no one could ever imagine. Women need an outlet. I needed one desperately, and had nowhere to turn for help. This is a place I pray many can find refuge. Only Allah is One. This blog is designed to keep everyone’s identity secret.
I agree with you that if you practice polygamy in the future, you will be looked upon with disdain and your motives will be questioned by many. I wonder, with all the craziness and misery that you’ve been reading about and probably know of from some that practice polygamy, why you’d still consider doing it. No disrespect intended.
I can understand your wife telling you to take another wife now, if you intend to do so. She may be thinking at least she won’t have to be constantly filled with anxiety wondering when and if it will actually happen. She suffers anxiety if you don’t practice polygamy (knowing one day you may), and will suffer if you do practice it. Anyway she looks at it, she may be viewing it as a no win situation for her, as she is already questioning your need and desire to do it.
It is difficult for most women to understand why a man would want to marry and be with another woman if he truly loves her. It’s just innate for a woman to question her desirability when her man desires someone else. It usually is not convincing enough for a woman to be told that it is just men’s nature to want to be with more than one woman. A woman has only to look at beautify actress, model Elizabeth Hurley. Her boyfriend actor Hugh Grant got caught with a prostitute. Why would he do that? And with a prostitute…There are so many examples out there.
There is a right and wrong way to practicing polygamy. I’m just glad I’m a woman, and don’t have to figure out the right and wrong of it, be accountable to my Lord one day, and have to answer for it.
It’s been real nice talking with you. Chime in again soon.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
October 2nd, 2009 on 12:20 AM
As-Salaam Alaikum
Ana I spoke to a brother yesterday and the community he belongs to not one brother has a second wife. They believe even though it is permissable it is not necessary. He said their wives don’t have to concern themselves with the practice of polygamy. Their website is AlIslam.org He said in time of war years ago it was necessary but not now. Some second wifes are just glorified mistresses. In my case this lady is still legally married to her husband. I called the court they are not divorced.She does not care. She use to prostitute and use heroin.
October 2nd, 2009 on 7:06 AM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Renee
The question as to whether polygamy was made permissible only for a certain period of time, and how and why it should be practiced leads me back to the question-Does practicing polygamy jeopardize a man’s chances of entering Paradise? One saying I believe in: “If in doubt, do without.” A man can’t go wrong with having one wife. Having two or more wives opens the door for more errors and sin for a man that practices polygamy. That’s just how I see it. Again, I don’t know; Allah knows best. I thank Allah much that I don’t have to be held accountable for how and why polygamy is practiced, as I’m not a man with having more than one wife as an option. Thanks much for the website, Renee.
Those men engaging in polygamy best be enjoying their wordly pleasures and be in fear of what’s to come.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
October 2nd, 2009 on 10:03 PM
I think the entire question as to whether polygamy is permissible today or not boils down to each individual’s understanding of the Iyats that address polygamy in the Quran. Those in favor of polygamy usually gravitate towards one understanding and those opposed to polygamy usually gravitate towards another. I’m going with it being permissible as there are still wars, widows and orphans today etc. There are numerous websites and communities out there that debate the subject and have open forums for the debates. I thank Renee again for providing us with a name of a website for those interested in exploring further the topic of the lawfulness of polygamy.
At polygamy 411 we’d like to keep the focus more on what’s happening in the lives of those living polygamy, thoughts, feelings, and questions etc. of those persons considering living polygamy, and thought, questions and feelings about polygamy of those persons with a general interest in polygamy. We want to stay away from the theories of whether it’s permissible in Islam or not. It’s just too controversial a topic and turns into a discussion, inviting sheiks, scholars, Imans, and persons wanting to prove how learned they are. No offense to anyone.
At polygamy411 we’d like the focus to be more on persons living polygamy, persons that are considering living it, or those persons that just have a general interest in polygamy. Sometimes we all get off topic and begin discussing whether polygamy is permissible in Islam or not, but that’s not where we really want our focus to be here.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
October 2nd, 2009 on 10:15 PM
Renee,
Your situation is simply wrong. Your husband is openly sinning, as is that woman and if they were in a different country they would have been stoned to death by now as adulterers. I wholly understand that everyone has their own path to tread and that certain stages of development and nearness to Allah must come before one takes a major decision. However, I am seriously praying that you will come to that decision very soon and extricate yourself from this whole sinful setup. It will ruin you if you don’t…and that’s what Islam says, not me.
Oops. If I’m off topic, sorry!
October 2nd, 2009 on 10:34 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Mai,
You’re good! No problem! There’s a thin line between being on and off topic. I don’t want to be too “anal”, so it’s OK for anyone out there to put me in check here, if you feel the need.
We appreciate all feedback.
Thank you Mai!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.