You Can Have Joy in Polygamy
by ana on May.11, 2009, under my story today
It is a beautiful feeling to go to bed feeling peaceful and content, and wake up in the morning in a state of happiness, feeling nothing but joy. Polygamy has brought much pain and heartache to my life, but has brought much good as well. It’s been a long tough journey for me, but it’s much, much easier now. I’ve learned many lessons along the way. I’ve done and said many things to persons (in particular, my husband Alex and his other “wife” Carolinah). I can only pray that Allah (Great and Glorious is He) has forgiven me for those acts and I won’t repeat them.
Allah says, “O ye who believe! If ye fear Allah, He will grant you a Criterion (To judge between right and wrong), remove from you (all) evil (that may afflict) you and forgive you: for Allah is the Lord of grace unbounded)” – Quran 8:29.
What makes me happiest at this stage in my life is that my thoughts are no longer focused on Alex and Carolinah. That is truly a blessing. I used to obsess over her, about the two of them being together and what they were doing. Now my thoughts of her and the two of them are so much more controlled and don’t rule my life. I make every effort to turn all my attention to Allah. For being able to do that, I truly thank Him.
Most everyone here at polygamy 411 has been more than kind and supportive and for that too I am grateful to Allah. A few times I was disappointed when anyone insinuate I was a poor example of a Muslim or asked how I could do certain bad acts as a Muslim. To that I must remind them that the Prophets are our example, not me. All human beings sin whether Muslim or not, which is why Allah tells us to repent and ask forgiveness of Him again and again. Allah loves to forgive and loves those who seek His forgiveness with all sincerity. On that note, I’d like to end for now and just say – Allah’s promise is true; after hardship there is relief.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
3/10/10
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
March 11th, 2010 on 5:24 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum, Reve
Please use the Contact Form. I tried to respond by way of email, but the address for you is not accepting mail. Do you have another email address? Or, please confirm the one that I have.
Thank you,
Salaam!
March 11th, 2010 on 5:41 PM
I have been following your posts for several months and had a few questions
In your post you write Alex asked you “Where do you want to live?” but when answering Mai’s thread you say “Not once did Alex say Ana, pick a State to live in, a town where there is a Muslim community, a place where there is Halal food for us to eat or anything of that nature. Alex asked you an open ended question and you shut the conversation down. You knew your question about Carolinah would create an issue. She is his wife of course he has to consider her too. You did not try to meet him halfway. I think he showed consideration just by asking you the question. You did not raise any questions to him? So you do not know what he has in mind. Your posts never indicated you were active in the Islamic community you only talk about your Islamic and biological family. Do you offer any suggestions?
I have to concur with Mai and Sufa, you pick and choose what pleases you in Islam, disregarding the rest. You marriage certificate is a contract to become married (which Alex complied with). Unless Alex’s and your marriage contract addressed divorce, a divorce between the two of you should follow Allah’s decree. You have a marriage contract not a divorce contract. Do you think Allah will be pleased with you if you rely on the court of nonbelievers to determine what is Halal for you.
You say Alex is not a planner and then you say to Live, Laugh, Love, “Alex is the type of man that does not think things through” Maybe he did “thinks it through but does not want to fill you in on the plan because you are not open to his requests? If he thinks discussion will cause an argument he probably just avoids anything just to keep the peace.
You say Alex has accepted near nothing of Islam, I am not sure what that means. Can you explain? Does he neglect: Salat, fasting during Ramadan, does he avoid to Jumah? Your posts indicate he is generous, shows patience and provides for you and other. What is he neglecting?
I see many contradictions in your posts about Alex, and can only conclude that he is not the poor practicing Muslim you make him out to be. I think he is a better man than you lead us to believe.
Please do not construe this post as an attack, I just have become very interested in your and Alex’s story.
March 11th, 2010 on 7:47 PM
Salaam Essam, I think this is your first time here at polygamy 411 and I welcome you. Thank you for your comments and questions.
Essam, you said: “You knew your question about Carolinah would create an issue. She is his wife of course he has to consider her too.”
I say, I wasn’t trying to create an issue. I needed to know whether he planned to take her with us, so I could properly address his question. I was not going to ASSUME anything, just because she is his wife. I asked a direct question, as his answer would determine my answer. I may have considered the move, if I knew only he and I would be going. I would not consider the move, if she was going, knowing I’d probably live half the remainder of my life alone in a strange environment. And now I am leaning towards not considering the move even if it would only be him and me going.
You said, “You did not try to meet him halfway.”
I ask what is your definition of meeting him half way?” I say, I met him half way by letting him know that if he still wants to remain married to me, he could move wherever he’d like with Carolinah and I would stay married to him. I advised him that he could visit me whenever he wanted to (with no schedule and no demands other than he continue his portion of the financial support that he provides me). If he doesn’t want to be married that way to me, divorce is always his option.
You said, “I think he showed consideration just by asking you the question.”
I say, I don’t think he showed me any consideration. He was only doing what Allah tells us to do – to conduct our affairs with mutual consultation.
You said, “Unless Alex’s and your marriage contract addressed divorce, a divorce between the two of you should follow Allah’s decree. You have a marriage contract not a divorce contract.”
I say, Alex and my marriage contract will be disposed of in a civil Family Court, which is the only way a Legal Marriage License (in the USA) can be disposed of- that is by way of divorce, or death. Alex and I mutually agreed to be married with a Legal Marriage License (a contract). It is Alex and my contract. As I said previously, Alex and I agreed upon that contract willfully and knowingly and contracts are to be honored in Islam.
You said, “Do you think Allah will be pleased with you if you rely on the court of nonbelievers to determine what is Halal for you.”
I say, yes. I hope Allah will be pleased with me that Alex and I honored a contract that we agreed upon that’s based on a “reasonable scale” that Alex and I determined between ourselves. Unless you’re living in a Muslim country that follows Shariah, everyone, everyday is following laws of non-believers.
You said, “Alex is the type of man that does not think things through” Maybe he did “thinks it through but does not want to fill you in on the plan because you are not open to his requests? If he thinks discussion will cause an argument he probably just avoids anything just to keep the peace.”
I say, “Alex informed me after he married Carolinah that he did not think it through. He said to me, “I did not think it through”. Recently he advised me as well that he made a “big mistake” marrying Carolinah. Furthermore, is he’s avoiding discussion to keep the peace?-I don’t know.
You said, “You say Alex has accepted near nothing of Islam, I am not sure what that means. Can you explain? Does he neglect: Salat, fasting during Ramadan, does he avoid to Jumah? Your posts indicate he is generous, shows patience and provides for you and other. What is he neglecting?”
I say yes Alex does provide the worldly comforts (actually Allah does, but uses Alex as the vehicle). I expressed my disappointment in Alex regarding fasting. Please read the post http://polygamy411.com/2009/09/no-ramadan-or-eid-spirit-in-my-home/ Alex goes to Jumah occasionally when he can. Alex offers salat and I have issues with that which I’m trying to leave alone.
There is more to Islam than just going through the motions of salat, fasting and attending Jumah. Islam is a complete way of life that affects everything in its entirety. Alex shows no interest in Islam, as I’ve said. His conversations are all about daily living the same as anyone who’s not a Muslim. He has said to me that he didn’t know he had to be “saved” after he married me.
Recently, a few months ago I asked him if he wanted us to offer salat together. We offer salat separately and have done so since we’ve been married. He said yes and pulled a prayer rug for me up next to his, side by side. I said we can’t pray this way. He asked, Why? I said because I’m supposed to pray behind you. He said, “Well we did it that way at Hajj. I said, “Well yeah, there were millions and millions of people there. We’re eight years being married. Don’t you think my husband should know how we are supposed to pray?
Another example, after he married Carolinah, he said he’d lead me in prayer. After we finished praying he asked me if he had done it right. Five years of marriage to me, he just wanted to know if he had done it right so he could show Carolinah – something that he should have already known.
I can only say I get no Islamic guidance from Alex. He has no interest in Islam, other than superficially when I mention something. I’ve been advised that Alex left me and married a non-believer whom he had a previous relationship with simply to get always from Islam and live a “normal” life. You ask what Alex does that leads me to believe he has no interest in Islam. My answer is he live a “normal” life. What is he neglecting? I say belief in Allah and Islam as a way of life.
You said, “Your posts never indicated you were active in the Islamic community you only talk about your Islamic and biological family. Do you offer any suggestions? “
I have no suggestion. Allah says make your home your Masjid, which is what I have done. It is not incumbent on Muslim women to visit the Masjid. I have contact with my Muslim family in Faith and I rely on Allah for guidance.
Thank you much for your questions. I hope I’ve answered them sufficiently.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 11th, 2010 on 7:59 PM
I think it’s important for everyone to know Alex and I got married in an official Masjid (Mosque) by a recognized Imam who signed our legal Marriage License and registered (filed) it with the city’s Registrars Office.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 12th, 2010 on 12:16 AM
As salaamu alaykum
Thank-you for your response. However I think you are overly critical of Alex. He cannot pray properly, after seven years? Wow why don’t you string him up for that? So in seven yours you never made an effort to help him. As a Muslimah and his wife did see that as what you have to do. Once you told him you did not want to pray together did you continue on? You should be a source of support for Alex. Not a source of harm or critricism.
It sounds as if you have no patient and high expectations of what you want from Alex. What guidance are you looking for; you seem to be knowledgeable about Islam what do you need from him. I submit to you that he practices more than he preaches. You say Alex is kind and patient towards you. He appears to be a thoughtful, caring and respectful Muslim husband who treats you well. If he fasts, has gone to Hajj, and attend Jumah, it appears he has more than a superficial interest in Islam; just not enough to satisfy your expectations. You discuss normal life on this blog, why penalize him for discussing every day issues. I think your expectations are the difficulty. You want more conversation about Islam from Alex; what do you want him to say? Do you want him to quote Quran or Hadith? You have committed some very unislamic acts and he has forgiven you (I read the relapse), yet you still say he has no interest in Islam. Does he question your interest in Islam when commit these acts. I say he practices Islam by his patience and kindness towards you. Salat, Hajj and Ramadan are not superficial acts they are pillars of Islam. I know many Muslim who do not conduct themselves as you describe Alex does. Your expectations are the issue. If he is lacking in an area you can earn many blessings by being patient and helping him. Ignoring the problem helps no one but shaytaan. Based on your response to posts that criticize you, I can imagine your approach to helping Alex. You say many things in this Blog that emasculate him. I pray you do not do that in person.
As far as his question about moving; did you ever consider that moving to some place less expensive and being able to provide more for his family is Islamic thinking? I do not think you care as long as you get what you want.
Concerning your plans for divorce; a marriage can be dissolved amicably in accordance with Allah, however you plan to milk him for all you can get. How can he trust you if you have this hidden agenda just waiting? You do not hold divorce over some ones head if you care for them. You are either committed or just waiting to move on and get out of the relationship what you can. If you want to move on you do just that, dragging it out is just vindictive (very unIslamic). You are supposed to be a resource to your husband, it seem to me you try to break him down. I think it’s difficult to have Ramadan spirit living with the pressure you put on him. No Muslim is perfect. Maybe, Allah put you in Alex’s life to help him with the areas he is incomplete in. Did you ever think of that.
Thank you,
Salaam!
March 12th, 2010 on 12:56 AM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Essam
Thank you for your well thought out comments. I can only say there is no compulsion in Islam. I’ve tried to work with Alex over the several years that we’ve been married, to no avail. I’ve only met with rejection. If a person has a sincere desire to know the Truth, Allah guides that person to the Truth. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. You can’t give guidance to someone that doesn’t want it, which is why I am trying to leave it alone. My Islamic family has told me for years to leave him alone and stop trying to force something (Islam) on him that he doesn’t want.
You know the saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. My Islamic family has tried to help Alex embrace Islam, as well. He doesn’t want it. What part of that don’t you understand? Don’t you think in eight years he would have figured out how to pray, if he had a desire to know?
Alex didn’t leave and seek out a nice Muslim girl to marry. He sought out a non-Muslim, a woman that he had a sexual relationship with when neither of them were married to each other. It’s an indication of the life Alex wants to live.
I’m not holding divorce over Alex’s head. If I’m not the obedient wife that he desires, divorce is an option. For all those out there so keen on the idea of choice, Alex has a choice to divorce me (choice the illusion.)
Oh and about the move. Yes that’s real good – I move some place so he could save some money. How about my mental and physical health? So what if I seep into a state of severe depression and I suffer all kinds of health ailments and can’t function. What then? Just to save money. I was at another Islamic forum and I thought it was very sweet – a young Muslim brother was seeking a nice Muslim girl to marry from his community. He said he didn’t want to isolate the girl (his wife) from her family. Now that’s thoughtful.
Yes, I have committed some very unIslamic acts. All Muslims do. Prophet Moses MURDERED a man; what do you have to say about that?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 12th, 2010 on 6:27 AM
Salaam Ana,
i was going to write a comment about safa and essam’s posts but i see you’ve already given them a piece of your mind.
But what i want to say is that not all people (safa and essam) for example, are qualified to give advice. Sometimes people talk, they say things but because they lack tact and compassion their words are nothing but meaningless.
They will be knowledgeable and upright but because of the “no tact” factor, it will upset the recipient rather than help them. For example, your “relapse”. You should not have been told “what you did was wrong” you knew it was. Or that thats “not the attitude of a muslim” you know its not. I believe advice should fit the occasion, there is a time and a place for everything. Sometimes its best to just say “its ok, repent and god will forgive you”, rather than to point out every fault you searched the page for. We are all human, we cannot judge, we look at the actions of people and we make our choices concerning them from what we have seen.
Anyway Ana, you should let Alex jump the bridge
. Really, cut the rope. Take what you can and run…far….very far. Otherwise stay and do your best and when you “relapse” you laugh and you repent.
As for essam’s comment :He cannot pray properly, after seven years? Wow why don’t you string him up for that? So in seven yours you never made an effort to help him. As a Muslimah and his wife did see that as what you have to do.
hm?
..your his wife, his confident, the coolness of his eyes, not his babysitter, the one who sees that he makes his salaah on time or he one that has to make sure he knows how to do so properly. That is his task as a muslim to learn how, if he never asks how, how would you know he needs help (which from what we can gather, he doesn’t).
As for the contradictory part, i dont think that is the case, you post things as they come, you share your actions as well as ale’ and carol’s. i have never found you to be contradictory and i do not think that you “take of islam whatever pleases you”. that is what alex has done.
everything of the best!
marcel.
March 12th, 2010 on 2:11 PM
Salaam Marcel,
Sorry for the delay in posting your comment. I just fished you out of spam. They thought you were ham
I’m sorry you were sent there. I don’t know why. Your comment is posted now, so let me go read what you said 
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 12th, 2010 on 2:25 PM
Salaam Marcel,
You bring such a lively spirit to the blog. You made me laugh while expressing TRUTH. I don’t know who is funnier you or our sister in faith Zainab. Who could sum it all up any better than you? What a guy!!! Thank you for your uplifting words, and for helping to make it a bright and beautiful day!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 13th, 2010 on 7:00 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum! Marcel, Ana . Your responses were are great
Seriously, Marcel “laugh and repent, being repentant is no laughing matter. When you repent it must be earnest and sincere. Further, I felt I was very tactful in my comment to Ana. If Alex was drowning would any of us not offer assistance even if he jumped in the water on purpose? That’s the issue here. He needs help. He is not an alcoholic or drug addict that jeopardizes the safety of other. However the risk is to his life in the hereafter. Isn’t that just as important?
Marcel one minute you say its ok, repent and god will forgive you” then you say “let Alex jump the bridge” Why is it that Alex is not afforded the same option to be forgive by his wife. How do we know he has not repented? Why are you so critical of Alex ? All we know of Alex is Ana’s version of him. Given the pain and hurt that his choices have caused her I think she paints a grim picture, however the evidence presents a different appearance. He is not a tyrant or even overbearing. He performs his obligation as a Muslim (not to Ana expectation, but he does). Why does he have to be perfect and Ana can make mistakes. Again, I say there is more to the story. Ana paints her Husband in a poor light to get us to comment. Is he really that bad?
Ana you completely skipped over my question about Alex’s character. I do not think he has a “superficial interest in Islam”. As for the prayer issue perfection of Salat continues to be a Muslims obligation as long as we are alive. Ana, Marcel have you perfected your Salat? Some Muslims do not make the effort to pray, but you shoot Alex down for trying to prayer with his wife. Given all the other actions he has taken I believe he is a Muslim striving to be a believer; making mistakes that should be forgiven as Marcel suggests. As you said all Muslims commit unIslamic acts. Are you going to forgive him as he does you? Do you accept Alex for who and what he is (faults and all) or are you basing your perception on your expectations?
Salaam
March 13th, 2010 on 1:03 PM
Essam,
You said: “Do you accept Alex for who and what he is (faults and all) or are you basing your perception on your expectations?”
Interesting question. And you, do you do this? Do you do this with the people in your life? And are you demonstrating this outlook with the blog owner?
March 13th, 2010 on 1:10 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Essam,
I am listening to everything you say and am contemplating it thoroughly. I’ve taken Islam very seriously from the moment I accepted it. Before accepting Islam something was terribly missing in my life and I was extremely discontented. When I accepted Islam, I embraced it wholeheartedly. A Jewish acquaintance/co-worker (when I used to work) said I was more Jewish than she was (referring to my dedication to Islam). She knew me when I was a non-Muslim. She knew I was permitted to eat kosher food and we noted together some of the similarities between Judaism and Islam.
When Alex and I married I only assumed my path would remain the same and Alex and I would strive to worship and serve Allah together. It didn’t happen. Perhaps it will if it pleases Allah and Alex develop a sincere desire to do so.
What we all need to be mindful of is that Allah guides and He only guides those who seek guidance. No one can help Alex if he doesn’t have a sincere desire for and want help. There is no way around it. You can’t give someone something if the person doesn’t want it. The person will take it and discard it, or not take it at all. Throughout the Quran, Allah tells us to Judge. He says judge with what I have given you. He says Judge with the Quran. He says to investigate. Why, so we can judge. I can provide the Iyats, if anyone needs them. I see Alex regularly, live with him and know him. I have been judging Alex based on what Allah says in the Quran.
What concerns me is that a man/woman follows the religion of those whom he/she makes a friend. Alex’s close proximity to me could have a huge impact on me staying on the straight path or going astray, which is why I am so concerned. Allah tells us multiple places in Quran that if we follow those who do not follow our religion we will be led astray. A wife usually follows her husband; it’s just natural, which I fear.
Yes, Alex has many good characteristic. So does many non-believers. Yes. Allah has permitted Alex to provide for me. Many non-believers provide for their families the same as Alex does. Allah provides for all his servants, as First said. Providing for someone, a Believer it does not make.
I didn’t shoot Alex down because he wanted to pray with me. I asked him to pray with me. What concerns me is that in all these years (almost eight) Alex has not had a desire/concern or wants to learn how to offer Salat properly. Learning Salat is elementary for a Muslim in Islam. Any non-Muslim seeing Muslims pray on TV or in a book knows a man and woman do not pray side by side.
I have forgiven Alex for how he engaged in polygamy. It took a very, very long time for me to do so, but I have. I have not tried to interfere with him being with Carolinah. Have I antagonized, aggravated and badgered Carolinah? Yes. I haven’t asked Alex to divorce Carolinah. I’m accepting of him going to another State with her and me staying behind. I haven’t asked him to provide for all my needs. The only way he can have another wife and afford Carolinah is because I haven’t asked him to pay everything that he should and he has acknowledged that. For all those that say I’m after Alex’s money. From day one when Alex wanted to pay for everything for me, I said no. We could share. That is what we do now. I have my own money.
You ask if I’m basing my perception on my expectations. Yes. I have high expectations. If I lower my expectations and become accepting of Alex’s lack of desire and interest in Islam, if I follow Alex, Alex could lead me astray, to the Hell Fire – Allah says if we follow the common run of people, if we follow those who do not follow our religion, we will go astray. Yes, Fasting, Ramadan, Hajj, Salat, are pillars of Islam and yes, people can go through the motions.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 13th, 2010 on 1:34 PM
Judith, That’s a good question for Essam…
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 13th, 2010 on 3:36 PM
Judith, I try to do my best with the people in my Life. I love them and respect them I am often pissed at them too but I try get over it, because Allah determines their actions. If I take that view it’s easier to deal with life in general. I hold no animosity towards Ana, quite the contrary in-fact. I want her and Alex to have peaceful and tranquil marriage. I just do not think Alex is the bad guy Ana makes him to be. I think she should focus on Allah and Alex’s positive attributes.
March 13th, 2010 on 4:55 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Essam,
I appreciate what you’ve said and agree Allah determines people’s actions. I must admit I have high expectations and low tolerance. Fault finding is a bad trait of mine. I am very good at fault finding, which is one of my biggest faults. Allah says to rebuke the fault finder. So, I know where I need more work, and ask Allah to help and change me.
I’ve only focused on the most negative part of Alex and my marriage because I was telling the story of how polygamy came about in my life. There was nothing good or positive in the way it came about. I didn’t see anything good or positive in it at the onslaught.
I don’t think I’ve painted Alex entirety in a bad light. I have indicated many times Alex was patient with me throughout this ordeal. Based on how it all transpired, patience was the least I could have expected or asked of him. I thank Allah for giving Alex patience, as patience comes from Allah.
Essam, I admire your approach to dealing with people in life. Knowing that Allah determines everyone’s action is a huge part of belief. I’d love for Alex and me to strive together to accept that what Allah says in the Quran is the Truth and live accordingly. The belief is what’s most important. As you said, the acts are Allah’s. Allah let’s us do good or bad deeds and we’re responsible for those deeds. Only Believers truly understand.
Thank you, Essam!
Salaam
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 14th, 2010 on 8:35 AM
March 14th, 2010 on 4:33 PM
Assalaaamu Alaykum
Essam you said:If Alex was drowning would any of us not offer assistance even if he jumped in the water on purpose? That’s the issue here. He needs help.
the question is, does Alex want help? Neither you nor i know the answer to that. Ana says that he is comfortable with his way of life spiritually and that is what i will believe if you choose to believe that he is REALLY trying, then you do that.
you said: Marcel one minute you say its ok, repent and god will forgive you” then you say “let Alex jump the bridge”
Praise the Lord you did not call me two-faced or contradictory! -_-
the “let Alex jump the bridge” part was intended to be humor”….
You said: Why are you so critical of Alex ?
I say: LOL
You said: Why is it that Alex is not afforded the same option to be forgive by his wife. How do we know he has not repented? Why are you so critical of Alex ? All we know of Alex is Ana’s version of him.
I think Ana has\is-trying to forgive him, but when someone wrongs you, it becomes your option to forgive them or not. We do not know if he has or has not repented, maybe when he grows a halo and his face starts shining like the full moon Ana will “ring the alarm” (hehe, i couldn’t resist). Yes Essam, you ARE right, all we know is Ana’s version, as this is HER blog, maybe one day Ana will rope Alex in and he can share his thoughts/experiences/visions with us so that we can stop bad-mouthing and disrespecting him? if that is what we are doing.
You say: I think she paints a grim picture, however the evidence presents a different appearance. He is not a tyrant or even overbearing. He performs his obligation as a Muslim (not to Ana expectation, but he does).
Evidence? ITS A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU!!
not all pictures look they were ripped out a fairy-tale book.
-_-…You do not know this man, you do not know if he fulfills his muslim duties, If Ana says he makes his salaah, then maybe he does, if she says he doesnt, we make du’aa that he starts. We do not know, we only know what Ana is sharing with us regardless of how true SOME of us think it is.
You say: Why does he have to be perfect and Ana can make mistakes.
He is far from perfect, Ana is far from perfect, Carol is far (far far far far) from perfect, I am far from perfect, YOU are far from perfect. No one can expect perfect from anyone.
You say: Ana paints her Husband in a poor light to get us to comment. Is he really that bad?
uh?! if you don’t want to comment don’t. RESIST THE URGE! maybe he has a poor light radiating from within himself
You said: Ana, Marcel have you perfected your Salat?
no, but i think im close
i do not think Alex is “bad”.. i think he takes good care of Ana and i think he treats her well, i think by “indulging” in his rights he hurt Ana, he broke a promise to her and now that he realizes the shit has hit the fan, looks for her to greet him with open arms! as if NOTHING HAPPENED!!
*note* the views expressed in this comment are those of a 17 year old son of a dead-beat polygamist and should not be held against him in a court of law.
Ana. how do i get a avatar
i would feel so on top of the world if i got one!
Salaam
March 14th, 2010 on 7:44 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Marcel,
Again I apologize for the delay in approving your comments. I think the problem involves the deletion of a URL, which is causing the comments to get redirected to spam
Insha Allah, we’ll get the problem remedied soon.
It makes me very happy that you and sister Zainab are our “future” – beautiful beacons of hope in a dark world (i) It takes a lot of maturity for young persons such as you and Zainab to come forward and let your voices be heard on such a serious topic as that of polygamy. It is very profound, for the two of you to publically voice your views.
I was thinking about what Zainab previously said. She stated, ” i felt so awesome for commenting on this blog, i dont know why!” I remember the first time I commented on someone’s blog. It was probably a little over a year ago and I’m much older than the two of you. I remember feeling awesome for doing so. I think everyone feels good the first time they express something worth saying of a serious nature, when they take a position at the risk of being criticized or rejected.
Zainab who is only 16 years old has expressed that she’s witnessed the suffering and heartbreak of quite a few women who live polygamy and you, Marcel, have seen it firsthand with your mom. It touches my heart to read about what the two of you have seen and experienced. It appears Allah has truly blessed the two of you immensely with wisdom and insight and wisdom is a most beautiful gift to have. I see you two as very special people.
Marcel, I pray for the best for you and your mom. Stay strong and continue to take good care of her. You are a bright intelligent young man!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 14th, 2010 on 8:25 PM
Salaam Marcel,
I’m glad you asked about the avatar. I’m sure others are interested in obtaining one as well.
For those that don’t know, “gravatars are a globally recognized Avatar. A Gravatar is an image that follows you from site to site appearing beside your name when you do things like comment or post on a blog. Avatars help identify your posts on blogs and web forums.”
Avatars are free; all you need is an email address. The link to obtain an Avatar is: http://en.gravatar.com/
Click the “Get your Avatar today” and you’re on your way. Didn’t I sound like an advertisement?
Polygamy is doable…
This is an open house no need to knock. Just come on in.
March 14th, 2010 on 9:35 PM
That animation is hilarious. I could watch it over and over… I wonder if I can make it my Gravatar?
March 14th, 2010 on 10:37 PM
I keep cracking up everytime I watch it; I’m like dying with laughter. It certainly is funny
The things people come up with…
March 15th, 2010 on 7:46 AM
Asalaam Alaykum okhti i have been reading the QA between you and Essam, very funny. As a Muslimah even i new by 1yr that a woman always prays behind the husband or men if there is no separate place for her to pray, with the exception of Hajj. How can a man know to take another wife, but not no how he should pray Islamicly with even his 1st wife? It makes me to wonder wail he is with his non believing wife if he even prays! Allah forgive me if i’m wrong, and slap him into knowledge if i’m right, Ameen This is not a sole discussion on the rights of a man having a 2nd or more wives! It is on the behavior of a Muslim to his wife and family in the regard of his duty’s in the fallowing of the Prophet (PBUH) in what we fallow as believers verses the non believers who do what they want solely out of lust and greed. the Quran say marry those of the books, Muslims, Christians , and Jews and forbids the marriage of non believer who it states are for those Muslims who are not good and seeing and doing the same as the non believers are doing. So, is the Question of who or why he married, dose not know how he should pray with his fallowing true faith wife in their Masjid she helps to provide for him or in that he is only making the motions and then has to ask if he did it right? Some men seem to think its their rights to have more then one wife, even they cant afford to do so, but because they are ruled by their lust in which shataan urges them to do non thinking actions, which always fallow up with problems and pain to them selves and there close family members no matter what it may be. Is it a option to say you married a non believer who has brought shataan and his bad deeds to our life, and you in turn bring it to our home our masjid like the man who steps into filth leaves on his shoes and walks into the Masjid and has no thought or care in what he has done to his fellow Muslims and their place of worship? Any person man or woman who would not question the actions based on these things is not a person who fallows true Quran and Sunnah, nor do they fallow the right ways the prophet (PBUH) taught us to fallow in the treatment of our wives who he stated from Allah ” those of you are the best in the eyes of Allah who treat your wives in the best of ways”
March 15th, 2010 on 1:26 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Dear Sister Khadijah Z,
You made an interesting point. You indicated men that do not follow the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and instead engage in polygamy out of lust and greed do more harm to their families than good. What happens when a man that is supposed to save himself and then his family from the Fire do not know how to perform one of the main pillars of Islam – prayer and prefers not to Fast during the Holy month of Ramadan, etc?
A man’s lack of knowledge and interest in Islam would explain why and how he would seek out a non-Muslim woman to be his second wife. Even if we assume the woman took shahadah (the oath to be Muslim) for whatever reason, for the man to willing go live in a household with the woman’s children (not young, impressionable children but grown children) speaks volumn. We’re speaking of him living in a home with people who don’t pray, don’t eat the lawful food, don’t perform istinja, never remember Allah SWT – nothing; they do nothing in accordance with Islam – a way of life.
The question is whether a man can live in a household of unbelievers and still strive to be a believer? I think one can if he/she shuns those in the household, which I did when I first became Muslim and was living with my non-Muslim family. I don’t think the case is the same with Alex, as he doesn’t go to that home to shun them, but to live amongst them as family.
Khadijah Z, I really like the analogy that you used – the bringing of filth into the Masjid. It was a superlative example of how a man can harm his family in many ways, if his actions are not done seeking the good pleasure of Allah, but done to satisfy his naf, his own selfish desires.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 15th, 2010 on 8:43 PM
Shukran okhti i pray things go well for you and your family, please pray for me and mine. Some times Allah can twist the paths under your feet, making you feel you need to make a decision which is a loss no matter the choice, so then you have to wonder which is the worse loss! which is the most painful, and which is it Allah will help you in after you make the choice!
March 15th, 2010 on 10:32 PM
Shukran. I do and will continue to pray for you and your family too, Okhti. We’re going to be A-Ok. I believe that. I just have to wait patiently for Allah to reveal His decision to me, as He is the best to decide
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 15th, 2010 on 11:16 PM
Hello Everyone,
Allow me to say, we all have our own beliefs, thoughts, views and opinions that we freely and willingly voice here in writing. No one is here to encourage anyone to change his/her belief. To each his/her own religion/way of life. To you your way and to me mine. You will not believe as I believe, nor will I believe as you believe. We are all here to share and agree to respectfully disagree. I hope no one takes offense at anything that is said here; although, at times I know it is unavoidable. Please kindly let us know if anything here offends you, as we will address the issue. We at polygamy 411 appreciate your feedback.
I am happy we are all here together
and I thank everyone for sharing 
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 16th, 2010 on 1:40 AM
Well said Ana.
It’s not really possible to change someone else’s beliefs and behaviour anyway — not if they don’t want to change. Even phone counsellors are trained not to try and solve a person’s problems for them. If a person feels like they are being pressured into a solution, most times they will come up with reasons not to do it, and then their mind is focused on the exact opposite of where you’re trying to lead them.
The best each of us can do is be willing to share our beliefs when they are sought, and pray for each other.
March 16th, 2010 on 1:46 AM
Thanks for the Gravatar information BTW. How do you like my Donald? He looks a little offended doesn’t he! lol.
March 16th, 2010 on 7:21 AM
Shukran okhti as things for me at this time seem to be falling apart and when it gets like this its not easy to say wait and see, till it either falls apart or turns to a better way. I thank you for all your help and words of wisdom with reminders of Quran to get me threw. I thank Allah for this page where i can come and see im not the only one who has things to set them apart form family and friends or to deal with in a just manner. Thank you so much for all your help. InshaAllah ill not get to a point i need to vent or spill my guts, lol
March 16th, 2010 on 7:45 AM
Donald, you said: “If a person feels like they are being pressured into a solution, most times they will come up with reasons not to do it, and then their mind is focused on the exact opposite of where you’re trying to lead them.”
Now, THAT was well said. I totally agree with you. The person becomes defiant and so bent on proving his way is right; it becomes the focus and he looses sight of the issue that was being addressed.
BTW, that is the coolest, most dapper looking Donald that I’ve ever seen. Everybody, WAAAATCH OUT!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 16th, 2010 on 8:00 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum Khadijah Z,
Knowing you is a source of strength for all sisters in Faith, especially for me. You are one of four wives in polygamy. Now that says sooooo much about your strength, determination, tenaciousness, patience, and Faith – all of which Allah has given you and it is helping you make it through. Things may seem as though they’re falling apart at the moment, but it may just be a passing phase. We all have them. It seems like this is it; we can’t go any further, but we find the strength to persevere. Allah knows what’s best for you and He’ll undoubtedly show you the way. When will come the help of Allah? The help of Allah is always near.
Lotz of luv and hugs, my dear sister.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 26th, 2010 on 12:54 PM
Wa Alaykum Asalaam, dear Okhti Ana
Alhumduillah the crisis has passed for a time, inshaAllah it will not return. All praise is to Allah, and may he continue to guide us all as humans even in our weakest moments, Ameen
Well it looks like things are changing and the 1st and i have grown much closer, so much that her oldest daughter has started to tell me things as well as ask me also. How to continue to tell a teen girl that hatred is not good from Allah, for her deen or even in her mental well being. I do understand why she feels as she dose towards the 2nd and most and worse is directed to the 3rd now (you may remember she is the one who has done the worse to me), tho she has at least listened to me in acting in a good manner when ever she encounters them, Alhumduillah id hate for it to come to a head bcos much of this lies on her father as well. Some seem to think the childern do well, however as small childern all is well but as they get older eyes open minds full of questions like: Why dose my dad do everything for the 3rd and nothing for the rest of us? Why is it when my mom cries she has a blank face, and feels nothing, yet even you cry to help my mom? Why dose my dad always saying the 3rd the 3rd this and that as if eh is pushing us on her? Why did you marry my father?I loved him and it was Allah who chose this marriage for us, and this seemed to settle it down. listening to a child cry bcos she hears the grown arguments between her mother and another wife is really i think to much, in an aspect that she is already at a rebellious stage in her life, and needs common ground to deal with the aspects of the reality of her mothers life. I’m not saying its a bad life or good, nor even to say equal in any aspect but between myself and her mom we are trying to reach a level of adjustment for her unlike she has had before. In all aspects of my previous talks in regards of how i have been treated and looked upon by my co wives i must say Allah knows when it is best to show truths, and it is coming out now of how i have been treated. The up side of it is my 1st co wife has apologized and asked for forgiveness of me and Allah, for all and any mistreatment of me and says she now relies she did accept the marriage before it happened, but not the other 2 that were put on her wail she was preg with her 3rd child, also she sees now that my way of how i express how i love and feel for all of them as well as all the childern is neither fake or some thing my husbands asked or ordered me to do, unlike the other 2. So Alhumduillah for all in this life we can be good and civil to each other, and inshaAllah at some time the other 2 will see their wrong doings and be as Allah expects us all to be to each other as loving good Muslims to support and in, raising the family above all other things. Pray for me as i need it so much in the job i need to do before Allah calls me back age is never a soft road, loool
March 26th, 2010 on 10:45 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Dear Okhti Khadijah Z,
It’s so good to hear that things are getting better and the doors of communication have opened between you, 1st and her daughter. They see you striving to please Allah. They see you have good character
You’ve tolerated so much mistreatment when I’m sure others would have retaliated. Yes, me too 
You’ve exercised so much patience. I’m still very far from where you are and where I want to be. But, I won’t give up on getting there. Patience is a wonderful gift from Allah. Insha Allah, it is only a matter of time before the other two wives come around; if they don’t, it’s their loss as we only wrong our own souls.
I could see how 1st was very hurt to have her husband marry two other women while she (1st) was pregnant with her third child. That had to be difficult for her to come to terms with. I think it would be difficult for any 1st wife to handle. The being pregnant at the same time says so much too. I mean, it’s one thing knowing your husband has another wife and you know they are intimate, but to have the proof (pregnancy) of intimacy in your face is like – WOW! I would think being pregnant makes a woman feel special, but how special could she feel when someone else is pregnant by the same man at the same time? Our upbringing has a tremendous amount to do with how we view things and feel. There’s really nothing wrong with women being married to the same man and being pregnant by him at the same time. If we remember Allah and accept that He knows what’s best for us and He created everything in perfect proportion, it makes acceptance easier. But, how easy is it for us to forget? VERY EASY
I think it’s always apparent to everyone, who the favorite is (the favorite wife and the favorite children). I know how painful it could be for children. I was accused by my siblings of being my mom’s favorite and my family wasn’t polygamous. I knew they were hurt by my mom’s show of favoritism. I have twin step siblings too and of course my step-dad favored them (his biological children). A show of favoritism seems to always cause the less favored to have a strong dislike for the favorite, regardless of what type of marriage it is (polygamous, monogamous, or no marriage/single parent). The least favorite sibling usually don’t treat the favorite kindly, to put it mildly or just feels so unloved. Children just don’t understand, like you said.
Things certainly do seem to be lightening up and becoming brighter for you Khadijah. Just when it seems things are getting way too tough, Allah always brings us some ease. Alhumdulilah!
I will continue to pray much for you Khadijah and please do the same for me. We never could have too many prayers. Keep up the good job of bringing about peace in your family and helping the children to cope with a way of life that is far from easy. What a wonderful way to do good deeds
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 30th, 2010 on 8:43 PM
Actually he did not marry them when she was preg with her 3rd child, she found out about them when she was preg with her 3rd child
as they were also preg. Like ur hubby now back then 15yrs ago he was not a good Muslim being with women, drinking and so on sleeping around with even other married Muslim women. He actually married the 2nd 1 week after his marriage to the 1st, and that was a secret also bcos she was his moms best friend. This also made it easy for her to get info on the 1st in order to work on Hubby. She Also made sure3 to the, the 1st when he married her which really did the 1st in mentally. The 3rd worked in his accounting office who was his good friend, and he had i guess from what i understand talking of looking for a good Muslim wife to help him get back to Islam of she threw on a niquab , she new he has a very good Business and helooo. But his mom found out and refused the marriage and then found about her friend who was the 2nd wife as all 3 were preg mind you the secrets of the 2nd and 3rd went on for about 5yr, till it all hit the fan, lol and he still cheated on all 3 of them. Alhumduillah he changed long before i got to him, but that anger, bad betrayal as well as mistrust between the 3 wives is still there, and the older kids see, hear and feel it. the smaller kids do ok some fights between them but can really give you a headache at times. I feel bad for the 1st in all of this, tho she tells me i new of you and i accepted you but i never did the other 2. Even tho she is very kind to them when they are around, she has gotten in a bad state over them both and refused to ever have anything to do of the 2nd, and now states she ash no husband that all his love is of the 3rd and she has grown tired of it. Not a easy life to say the least 
Allah protect us all form Shataan, Ameen
March 30th, 2010 on 8:50 PM
Yes well i no i was not a favorite and was made to no this very early on, and my family was not polygamous either. However you do no and you see it in how the parents treat the child and regard them, wail your shoved into the corner and always wondering what did i do that made you not love me? Then add that to seeing your husband doing this also to one of the wives and you some times cant get past it. Its what i call the burn effect, you always remember how it felt to get burned, and do your best not to let it happen again, but it dose happen and all you can do is bare it or pretend you dont feel it till its buried deep inside away form any to see.
March 31st, 2010 on 4:34 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum Khadijah Z, you cracked me up when you said the sister threw on her hijab when she realized the brother was looking for a wife. I think that is where some of us differ here on the blog. Some will say for instance, Oh, it’s OK for him to marry so, and so. What’s your problem. I think they miss the point that Islam and worshiping Allah SWT should come into play someplace when a Muslim man selects a woman to marry. That woman is expected to become Muslim and not just to have sex. The Prophet Muhammad(PBUH) didn’t just marry to have sex. Should we become Muslim or (for non-Muslim) marry a Muslim man to have a funky good time – to get our freak on?
From what you described, Khadijah Z, there was just so much deception going on and he sought to please self with total disregard for the feelings of all the women involved. He seemed oblivious to the pain and heartache he caused. I think it’s the same with many of the men that engage in polygamy today. Not all, of course – Haji Rafiq, I’m not including you.
Many women suffer in polygamy and many people can’t understand why we stay in it. Allah says He tests some by way of others. These men could be our test. Like we’ve been discussing, do we try to run from our test or stay and try to pass it? We’re told to exercise patience in whatever betides us.
Insha Allah, everything will get better for everyone involved. It really hurts to read the story, so I could only imagine the hurt and pain that those living it are feeling. I know my own pain that has subsided tremendously although remnants of it are still there and I can’t forsee them ever completely going away…I don’t know.
We’re going to be OK Khadijah Z
We just have to keep putting our faith and trust in Allah.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 2nd, 2010 on 9:48 AM
As Salaam Alaikum,
I have recently been reading these posts as I am about to embark on this journey myself. I am grateful that you have decided to share this with the world. I will be the additional wife (#2) at this point —
Does anyone know how to go about having the 2nd ceremony performed (commitment ceremony???)–
I believe in my heart that Allah brought me to this point in my life…everything that I have been through with this man bears witness to the preparation of this moment. You could not have told me that I would be here…but I believe there is NO God but Allah and I am a muslim. So in saying that, this IS apart of what I profess and I am embracing it.
Mrs. Muhammad #2
April 2nd, 2010 on 5:55 PM
Mrs.2 As Salaamu Alaikum, it brings me much pleasure to welcome you to polygamy 411. You said with so much conviction: “but I believe there is NO God but Allah and I am a Muslim. So in saying that, this IS apart of what I profess and I am embracing it.” You made a firm proclamation to seek the good pleasure of Allah by accepting a part of Quran that many reject -polygamy.
Although you may meet with obstacles and hardship along the way, never despair of Allah’s soothing mercy; continue to be steadfast and persevere. I pray that Allah blesses you tremendously on your journey, and dispose of your affairs towards comfort and ease.
I ask all to share with Mrs.2 what they know of how the ceremony has been or should be performed. I’m sure many are inquisitive, perhaps even for future reference for themselves. Thank you Mrs.2 for your inspiring comment and for posing a very good question
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 3rd, 2010 on 5:23 AM
Asalaam Alaykum, no okhti she threw on a niquab bcos he was looking for a wife to lead him back to Islam and away from all the bad he had been doing, so she threw on a niquab. See later a few yrs he showed them from hadits of covering and her words were wow i was doing right the whole time and didn’t even no it??? You see this was in regards of Niquab and i asked him what his reaction was he stated well after i married her she went back to not doing right not praying nothing and even caught her standing out on her balcony with not even a hijab ok, think you got the picture now she new he had a good business and had money!
yes he admitted it was by most sex however when seeking a wife in the beginning was to have a family and childern as he was in a good area financially to start this, but his sexual wants over exceeded him in women and even of 3 wives he was not satisfied, even wail with them and he still cheated and tho there are other things he admitted to in his experiences in this and them he had to find a common ground and his own way back to Allah to get shataan from inside him bocs most every aspect of his life was not Islamic except his praying and begging daily to be forgiven for many things he was doing. the bottom line of it is he did things and then regret it all but bcos of childern had to find a way to move past it and get back to Allah by pulling them in also and it meant many changes in his life and theirs as well as his business and home, a entirety diff way of life. He had a shipping and freight business and was shipping many things that were haram so had to stop this and all the money he made from this he had to get rid of the things he used it for like land, things in his homes and so it became his entire aspect of life all for Allah. Mind you not all were happy in this and bcos he stopped this way of doing business he lost a lot, then the down turn came and his business failed as the banks went down. But i say this to you only in regards to how your Husbands doing with this 2nd wife and all around him not even doing the basic tenits of Islam when he is with you shows beyond his life with her and outside of the homes bcos it goes there also.
yes your right tho i try so hard to push things out soem times things bring it all back or i hold it in till i explode in it all, some times it seems to be good and then it seems to regress to a point i only ask for a divorce, even i no going back id have to remove my cover to find a job to care for myself and mind you that this is not the only reason as i have worked all my life and raised 3 kids on my own, but jobs there are so bad now one has to admit what will i go back to? My family was never close to say the least, and my friends of non Islamic values have all dissipated and my Muslim friends are not to well off either or are married and will see you as a threat to their marriages so its a no win situation. Im not saying i dont love sherif but, it would of been better if i did not. I am saying that my faith in his love of me has dwindled so much that i see it as just words he has gotten use to saying and nothing more, or telling me what he thinks i want to hear. to me this is not Love only motions of life which i cant deal with maybe from lack of it as a child to now to always feel why what did i ever do that no one really did care of or love me. things go wrong in or lives and we turn to what is safe such is Allah, our homes our little corners, bad block the things we feel are hurtful from our lives a sort of an protection i guess, but your hubby will have to make a change and he cant do that till he sees its him not you or her even to change his life to be a Muslim or a non believer. just because we say im Muslim dose not make it so esp if we are not fallowing as we should, Anyway iv rambled on in this but it boils down to you letting him no of the wrongs in the life from Allah and him doing the right to change it bcos if eh dose not things may get worse. As for my co wives right now im in a mix not to trust but feeling sorry in aspects of how they feel even i no they dont feel or see me in the same
April 3rd, 2010 on 12:08 PM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam Okhti Khadijah,
It’s really good your husband sees what’s wrong in his life and has been trying to do the right thing by repenting and asking Allah for forgiveness. Since we are man (mankind) and not angels we all have our faults, evil within us that those striving to be Believers are battling with daily. Many of us hate the bad/evil within us and plead and implore Allah’s help in removing it. Eventually, if we persevere and are sincere, Allah removes it from us. If Allah wants good for us, He exposes our faults to us so we can recognize them and attempt to change what’s in our soul, if we sincerely want that change to take place.
You’ve got a lot going on trying to figure out what to do – divorce or leave the country and come back to the states. I think sometimes we burden ourselves with trying to figure things out that have already been decided for us by Allah. I know I feel burdened anytime I try to determine whether to leave or stay, weighing all the pros and cons. I think if we keep putting our faith and trust in Allah and implore His help, He will show us the way. We have no power to bring any good or harm to ourselves. So we need to stop burdening ourselves, thinking we have power. We all do it.
I was reading Iyats this morning that were so helpful:
Surah 7, Iyat 87 “And if there is a party among you who believes in the Message with which I have been sent, and a party which does not believe, hold yourselves in patience until Allah doth decide between us: for He is the best to decide.”
And Surah 31, Iyat 17 “O my son! Establish regular prayer, enjoin what is just, and forbid what is wrong; and bear with patient constancy whate’er betide thee; for this is firmness (of purpose) in (the conduct of) affairs.”
We need to be patient and Allah will decide our affairs for us. Allah says so, not me.
I could imagine how you feel, not loved sometimes. I would imagine it can’t be easy with a husband who has to share his affection with four wives. I know how I feel about Alex sharing his affection with Carolinah. I don’t like it one bit, not an atom’s weight. I know I’m supposed to want for my sister what I want for myself, but I’m just not feeling it – a guess first of all it’s because I don’t even know if she’s a sister.
I know it seems like no way out Khadijah, but keep hanging in there with your good deeds that you do, especially with helping the children there. Keep praying to Allah for help and continue to remember Him and he’ll show you a way – the best way for you. Things will get better there or He’ll bring you home to the State in conditions that would be good for you.
Wow, I’ve heard about the married sisters here in the States shying away from single sisters out of fear their husband would want to take them as additional wives. You just confirmed it for me. I’s terrible, those sisters alienating their own Muslim sisters in faith, falsely thinking they can prevent their fate if polygamy is destined for them.
Keep remembering Allah, Khadijah as things will get better because Allah’s promise is true.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 5th, 2010 on 12:16 PM
The only thing in life over which we have control is our own choices. This is what “free mortal agent” means. It means that we can not even control the results of our choices. This is basic “human being 101″.Therefore it is critical for us to seek the aid and guidence of One who has NO limits on His knowledge often and much. He sees the past, present and future with the same degree of clarity! Nothing catches Him by surprise or unaware. so it would behoove us to “stick jam tight” with Him. He is our source of everything.
It is reported on the authority of Ali ibn Abu Talid(ra) that; “I heard the messenger of Allah(ta ala) say ask Allah(ta ala) for any and everything, even so much as a shoe lace”. This hadith is ranked hadith hasan by both Bukhari and Muslim.
It is uncharacteristic of the majesty of Allah(ta ala) for Him to abandon those who call on Him, especially when they are most in need. Many muslim converts(who have a christian background) have a subconcious defect in their understanding based in “the biblical”(?) account of the man called Jesus having said; “my god my god why has thou forsaken me”. We, often think ourselves “forsaken” and thus become depressed.
Well, know that that is a lie attributed to one of the mightest messengers of Allah(ta ala). And know that Allah(ta ala) is the Avenger and Redeemer.
We must strive to be the best muslim that WE can be. even when we are in error, we must rebound in the fashion prescribed for us as muslims. Because the muslims are not perfect, Allah(ta ala) made the religion simple. Learn it and follow it!
“we stricken them with adversity IN ORDER that they might learn humility” Holy Quran. When we approach any matter of our own accord(this is a form of vanity)we summon upon ourselves adversity. This adversity is intended to teach us to humble ourselves before our Lord. Ask others even to make dua for you.
All correct guidence comes from Allah(ta ala). We are little more than “hayu wan natiq”(an animal that speaks)it is when our enemy incites us to vanity that our road “seems to us” to be un-navigable. seek refuge from him and his suggestions.
No good can come to us EXCEPT by His leave. We often recieve some beneficial thing from Allah(ta ala) and hold on to is as if that thing itself is responsible for coming to us. As though Allah(ta ala) had to stretch to reach us with this wonderful thing, and He might not have anymore left. Well remember the thing you had before that one. The one you that you thought was the best. And He replaced it with one better. Get it? Inshallah I hope so.
These are reminders for me, you and others.
your brother in Oakland
“pray oftn n much”
April 5th, 2010 on 2:57 PM
Assalaamu-Alaikum
Ana, first and foremost i would like to thank you for creating a blog of this sort, I think it is something that is needed and something that many people have benefitted from. Sometimes there are obnoxious and unnecessary things said and sometimes wonderful humor is displayed, especially on the part of Marcel and Zainab. They show that even when adults and parents can do the worst and most selfish of things there is still hope that their children can be a good influence and provide a good, dignified image of Islam Inshaa-Allah, may he give them the highest abode in Jannah for the mental trials that they are facing.
I have been blessed with a very long and fulfilled life, i have come across many people of all racial backrounds and public status. I have also met many men who practiced/practice polygamy. My father accepted Islam solely for the purpose of practicing polygamy-a gift that God has given to muslim males and females (regardless of whether one chooses to believe this). Once he had accepted Islam there were few of the Islamic laws he obeyed, at the time of his conversion my siblings and i were well past puberty so we were not automatically reverted.
Polygamy in our house was not a pleasant thing, it would be acknowledged at all times. My mother suffered tremendously as she grew up with the notion that “when you got bigger you would meet prince charming and live happily ever after” , you could see it in her appearance, her speech and her cooking! As a result our family as a whole suffered, my father was not invited to family gatherings, sometimes even at his own. It made me feel ashamed of the family i came from, i would hear old women talking about how a good woman knows how to “keep her man” and how “real men don’t knowingly hurt his family”.
It put me in a terrible state where for most days my head would be hurting, from not knowing and not understanding what was happening. I simply viewed his other wife as a mistress whom he had to continuously pay for. When i couldn’t get the newest model car i would get angry because i knew if he did not have two families he would well be able to afford it, regardless of what he or anybody else said. I did not meet her (is second) after some time at a community event, luckily my mother was not there that day. She was pretty, but average nonetheless. She had nothing spectacular about her, no wealthy family, no noble lineage, not even outstanding character, just average.
But as time moved on she must have realized that “this” is how it was going to be, he would never be with her all the time, she would never have the experience of being the one and only. Luckily they didn’t have mobile phones until later otherwise I’m sure there would have been alot more drama. After about 5 to 6 years my parents divorced because it was too hard for all of us(my mother and the children). #2 was ecstatic because she got to inherit and so on.
We all eventually grew up, got married and had children. My mom went to India on a soul-searching expedition and came back married to a shah ruh Khan of sorts. My father stayed with his wife, had kids, nothing ever happened for him, never became a millionaire, never had a child go off to Yale, he lived an average life.
And through all this, we always maintained a certain decency towards him, we paid his bills here and there, had lunch together. But he always had to abuse his welcome and take advantage of our generosity. Today i don’t speak to him, as one day while he was with us he suggested in a very rude and disrespectful manner that i take a second wife, i had many times before rejected it saying that one woman was good enough for me as it was for the Prophet (saw) until the day khadijah (ra) died. In childhood i had never asked things of him as his “betrayal’ had put a damper on our communication lines, but in my adulthood all i ever asked of him was that he accept my wife, as the person that I chose to spent the rest of my life with and the person that MY mother was happy to have as a daughter in law.
The first blow really came after my parents divorce, when the other woman had told me that if my parents love was pure and if their marriage was strong then it would have been able to survive his polygamy. Never before in my life had i felt the need to beat a woman more than that in my life.
One of the other things that I’m blessed in and very grateful for, are my children, they all have their own talents and personalities that bring the family together. i have 5 sons and 3 daughters, many people always tell me how proud i must feel that i have 5 sons and i always tell them that sons are only there to ensure that the family name be kept alive whereas daughters have the real work. They represent the standard of the family, the household. My daughters are 23, 28 and 32. None of them are married. They are the most beautiful woman, physically, that one can ever come across but because the numbers are not there they are not given the gift of marriage (yet/ever). There have been many polygamous proposals more so than from single men, and i always make the effort to go to these men’s wives and ask them if they have consented, usually i am met with tears and frail women.
Luckily, because of the effort that me and my wife have put into our girls, i can honestly say that no matter how lawful something is, if it hurts another person, my daughters will abstain. And as a result my daughters have found contentment in their lifestyle, My oldest, Elizabeth, had really wanted to get married to the point where if i was not present she would definitely have married a married man, his wife’s consent or not, but now she has a life filled with many blessing’s, she’s going to be adopting soon. My second doesn’t really need much, just a visa and a credit card and she will be happy until the next fashion season. My third daughter lily, sleeps whole day so i never have to worry about her, she’s very peaceful. They all live with me and my wife. My two youngest sons, Noah(27) and Sal(21) still live with us but in the back building. I have told my wife that through her pampering she has spoilt them and now they wont leave
. Most men take pride in their work and their fortunes, and if it’s rightly earned then they should, but i take pride in my family. That when i die, they will be left to carry on the family name and i can honestly say that i am proud of them all, my wife for her sacrifices, my siblings for how they have handles they trials, my children and my grandchildren, albeit some of them think their bodies are canvasses that they can paint on like little children, they have never embarrassed or disgraced me, no murders, robberies, teenage pregnancies, and for that i am grateful, that i have been a part of the raising of children who will not be a burden in other people’s lives. The women in my family will NEVER become mistresses and 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives that will ruin a family. If it is such that they became lonely and yearn for a family then i hope for their sake and for the sake of my grave that they will do honorable things to better the world rather than to cause it pain.
In my life i would have loved nothing more than to spend it with my faithful wife, who has never mentioned how extremely good-looking robert pattisson is, and take her to Florence and just enjoy being old, I would picture us sitting on an old wooden bench and all the young couples would pass by and if the men were smart they would say,”Honey! that’s us in 20 years”. But that’s not life, men are not generally faithful and i would fear being away from my family and hear about them losing their dignity doing God knows what.
Marcel, i cannot say that your life will ever get any easier living as you are, but what advice i can give you, is that don’t be unkind to your father to such an extent that if he were to realize his wrongs it would be impossible for the two of you to from a bond again. I have accepted that as far as me and my father goes, our relationship is over, but i have no regrets about it and no desire to form a new one as i have never wronged him. He on the other hand, has had to live up until now with regret that things did not turn out better, his life is no spectacle, not in this life and probably not in the hereafter, his #2 has to live with the fact that because of her marrying a married man her father saw this as a license for him to do the same, and now she has to face her mother with shame. Not knowing what to say or what to do.
Zainab, It is unfortunate that you have to be witness to such events at a time in your life when you are supposed to be burden-free of the problems that are facing todays adults. Hopefully you can take benefit from these things and one day when you have to face these trials, you will be equipped with the how-to’s. Whatever you do in your life choose to become knowledgeable and as Marcel has stressed, stay compassionate. Do not wrong people, because when you do, they will not necessarily come after you, they will come after the ones dear to you. And they will make it known to the other that YOU are the cause of their pain. You have said that not every woman will be granted the opportunity of marriage and this is right, and the best thing for women to do is look for better ways to entertain themselves. Do not live with the notion that at 23 you have be married and expecting children, that is not how things work. Marriage is not reserved for anyone, bad people get married and so does good people. But bad people are more likely to doom the world with their spawn.
People do not realize the importance of living a good life, you cannot go about hurting people and leaving them to became another person’s problem. And when you are faced with a problem you should persevere until God has decided what is most fitting. Children go through their lives that when they are not happy by one school their parents transfer them to another, when they are not happy on their particular sports team, their parents some in and take all their problems away, and so they grow up, not learning patience or perseverance. They’re adults and now they don’t like their job, and they quit, their cats always shitting in the house, and they take him to the animal shelter, their kids are loud and unbearable, and they send them to boarding school they lose interest in their spouse and they up and leave to look for something better. People tend to, when they see a child be naughty or disrespectful they say,”Oh leave him! he’s only a child” , a child who has the potential to grow into a murderer, thief, adulterer or even a selfish polygamist. My father in law always told me that raising a good woman is hard but he also told me that you can give your daughter whatever she wants but the moment she oversteps her boundaries you should rule her with an iron fist.
And as long as there is a child causing havoc on earth, there will be a parent getting equal punishment because they played the most vital role in the raising of that child.
Ana, thank you again for allowing opinions to be voiced and knowledge to be shared.
Zayn
April 5th, 2010 on 9:36 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Zaynul-Aabideen! Welcome to polygamy 411 and thank you for joining us. I thank you especially for sharing so much of your life story with us all and you did it so eloquently.
It’s truly amazing how polygamy has affected many of our lives in so many ways, some ways that are very similar, especially as it has brought so many of us so much pain and suffering – so we think. We hear so much about things that have happened that are similar to each other, such as a person accepting Islam to practice polygamy, which is totally wrong, as we should accept Islam only for the purpose to serve and worship Allah SWT.
After reading your story I began to think more about the fairytale that so many women want to live, the way we expect our lives to be. I began to realize that society is to blame for the suffering that many of us experience in polygamy. We were taught falsehood. The fairytale is not a reality for anyone. So should we blame others for the “fairytale” not coming true? I blamed my husband Alex for ruining my dream. We all blame each other when in actuality no one should be blamed, as they didn’t create the “happily ever after” story, nor did they design polygamy. Where did the stories come from? Somewhere along the line we all got it twisted.
We could see that when we read about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his wives (after Khadijah died) Please see my comment about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his wives.
http://polygamy411.com/2010/02/saudi-man-with-six-wives-plead-ignorance/comment-page-1/#comment-3980
During the times those wives were married to the Prophet Muhammad and even before, I doubt they had dreams of “happily ever after”.
Zaynul-Aabideen, I really like the way you expounded on what patiently persevering is all about. Those were very good examples that made it so clear. You were very helpful.
Many people have been negatively affected by polygamy or should I say – by what we think polygamy has done to us or caused us. As you said Zaynul-Aabideen, I think by us all coming together and talking about it, sharing and trying to understand it helps us to move forward, hopefully in a good, positive way.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 6th, 2010 on 11:53 AM
Please allow me to humbly inject a point that I believe is crucial to muslims of this millenium.
Sheikh Internet and Imam Google are not good substitutes for seeking out the counsel of “ulu al amri”(those in authority among you). On these web pages there are many good folks. There are those who love Allah(ta ala),the prophet and the everyday common muslim. There are many who relinquish their judgement in matters of live and deen to that of our Holy Nabi(peace and blessings upon him).
But mostly it is filled with those who are otherwise. Those who advance their own opinions and ideas in preference to Quran and Sunnah. They will write volumes and never once mention “the prophet” or “Allah”. They will elevate their opinions and sirah to the level of that of the prophet. Beware of them and their advice.
The Prophet(peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said; “Allah hates a decision maker who makes a decision with only half of the story”. This hadith is ranked hadith hasan by Imam Bukhari.
In these forums we only read “half” of the story, as told by the writer. For any of us to give “advice” to someone based on only half of the story speaks volumes about who we are.
Any serious seeker of sound counsel will seek out someone familiar with “both sides” of the equation. Someone known for their piety and forth-rightness. Someone who “fears Allah(ta ala)” enough to abhor failing to mention His name! Or failing to say “Allahu Ilum”(Allah knows best). These are common failings of our Ummah. We tend to advance our own “limited experiences” in preference to the sunnah.
Sister Ana, I have noticed that there does not appear to be a paypal button on this website so that any would be donors can support your blessed efforts. Please don’t deprive us of the opportunity to gain the favors of our Lord by aiding a good. And we all agree that this site is a VERY good one.
Allah(ta ala) says;”…whoever suggests, AIDS or recommends a GOOD deed shares in the reward for that deed, WITHOUT any reduction in the reward of the ONE who actually performs the deed” Holy Quran
Not having a “method of contributing financially” speaks well of you. However for you to go it alone does not speak well of US.
your brother in Oakland
“pray oftn n much”
April 7th, 2010 on 12:31 AM
I am asking for help from the womenon this post. The man I wish to marry is of Islamic faith, I am not as of yet. The subject of polygamy has come up and at some point he may wish to practice it at some point when we marry. We are 39 and 40. We both have children and wish not to have more, even though I can still bare them. We have known each other since we were 14. I have always expressed even before he found faith that I prefer marriage to be monogamous. He feels that once I educate myself about the practice i will feel different, but I won’t because no matter what I study and understand that is in my heart, and i let him know this. He is saying that if this comes to a point where he wishes too and i object then this may be a strain for us both. He also stated that he can do this beyond my objection. Even though we seem to be at an impass about this, we still want to be together. Please help, I have no clue as how to handle this. i have wanted this man my entire life and neither of us have ever married anyone. please tell me your honest opinions on my situation.
Thank you so much.
April 7th, 2010 on 7:18 AM
Dear Tammy please answer me you say he is Muslim and your not, yet you stated you both have never married but you both have childern! Id like to make sure this is what you saying before i say anything else, thank you
April 7th, 2010 on 8:03 AM
Asalaam Alaykum okhti Anna May Allah bless you always and shukran so much for all your good and kind words. Some times i feel things are falling apart, but Allah usually mends it, but i feel becasue eh took work in another country maybe this makes things worse all around not just for me but for all of us as a whole.
I have been married to sheirf for over 5yrs, Alhumduillah it will last till jennah, but i guess my patients wears thing in these days, Praying always for Allah to guide me, peel the worry and stress from my should and the hurt from my heart. I see in many they think that they are the younger and feel more appealing of beauty, youth or other things and the elder wives should give up their days and more. I no Allah chose for me what he wanted for me in that time and if he did not want it for me he would in his Uniqueness would remedy it to another way, and that it is for me to be patient in the matter.
Your right about the prince and happily ever after scenario, right on the button for many especially those from non religious backgrounds. the prince at most turns out to be the frog after you think you have the best of the bunch, lol old saying in (tired of kissing a prince and getting a frog). lol
I no a girl whose grandfather married 2 her grandmother was the 2nd. She described to me that it was normal to her in that the 1at thought she was so beautiful and young he would never do this to her, she was selfish and mean, so when he marred the 2nd who was not even pretty, plain and also young she taunted her for years. She told me that her father and his brothers would often ask him why he would marry a plain woman after he married such a young beautiful woman who was from a rich back ground, her brothers often asked him this same question to their grandfather and his reply was always the same. That tho she was young and beautiful and from a rich background her bad ways of other people and to him over exceeded any love where as the 2nd who was the opposite, very loving always sent good to her and her childern to a point her own childern preferred the love a mother who care for them as her own then that of a mother who was neglectful and always being cruel to others. The girl told me that even on the street if she see the 1st wife she never disrespected and and always gave her salaams and how are you today grandmother which i guess was an open sore for the woman instead of seeing it as a sigh of respect to her. In all tho many seem to think that youth and beauty can be better not all see it in this manner, im sorry to say many men are swayed in this the younger the better and continue to drag their other wives threw bad feelings when opted to spend family gatherings like breaking fast during Ramadan or the Eid holidays together. Its not a life all want i no i felt at some point id be a 2nd but never did i dream id be a 4th, it was not in my plans of which i was not looking and in fact avoided my husband for over 7mos in his persuasive attentions. He was by all means what i found to be of the best in Islamic knowledge, practice and fallowing of any other brother i had known. I found myself having feelings for him just based on this and nothing else but i hid it bcos he had 3 wives already. it was not until i married him a year after it all started that i found out things of my co wives and was severely disappointed in the thoughts i had 3 good believing sisters who would love me as id love them, but the bubbel burst and it all fell down in segments of different things in different ways of hurt and disappointment. Its taken now 5yrs just to be civil and trying to draw close in a point but still the options of those who think their youth and beauty out weigh your presence in their lives.
Life will never be as we want or wish it to be, as Allah will always be the presence to guide all things and in every act is a door to another path and its continuance as only Allah has the final decisions on all things that are a part of us and our lives. Its in our best interest to try and always fallow his guide for us by way of Quran and sunnah and never to stray from the sharia to protect us from the things of shataan and the evil jinn.
May we all be protected from Shataan, guided in the best ways, give of our best in deen and knowledge to any who ask and refer them to those who know better then we do, and always beg Allah for forgiveness in all things daily in our prayers and diker to be pulled for the fires of hell on the day of judgment, Ameen
April 7th, 2010 on 1:42 PM
Salaam Zayn.
Thank you for your inspiring words of wisdom, Lord knows how much i need it o_O
you said : . Never before in my life had i felt the need to beat a woman more than that in my life.
Had i been there i probably would have been the devil on your shoulder saying “DO IT!! DOOOO IITTT!!”
While reading your comment you said how unspectacular and dull your fathers life is and i realized many many things!! My dads #2 ain’t all dat of a looker also! i mean i look at my mum and i don’t say, “wow! my mums attractive”..but now miss daisy walks along and im like DAMN!! is that his standard!..I really would like #2 to feel some emotional burden (unislamic i know) but it would be umm..fulfilling in a way.
It was great when you said that when you wrong people they might not necessarily come back and hurt you, they might hurt the ones you love, and it’s true!
I think having a nice #2 only ever really makes things a little easier, its still a blow to a 1st. How old are you? you must be sick of polygamy if your reallly old and have to put up with it this long!
Polygamy, as i said before, has OPENED MY EYES!! at first i used to love my dad, now i’m just trying to make sure i get a good chunk out of his small fortune. Its terrible how things turn out, i didn’t expect to have a thoroughly happy life but i didn’t expect to have a miserable one either. REALLY! i want so much more now that my dads polygamous! like an xbox! i never wanted an xbox. Its like not being able to go on holiday because your broke or not going just because you don’t want to. Not really wanting what you can’t have but knowing that you can but you also can’t.
Its good that your mum found a shah roo khan, my family calls it havier’s. -HAA VEE AIIIRS. Its quite funny how women come up with these things, men can be hyped up on 20 different medical prescriptions and booze and still not be able to come up with that sort of thing!
April 8th, 2010 on 10:05 AM
Hi Ana!
i did not plan on commenting but i though since Zaynul-Aabideen addressed me it would be awfully rude of me to not thank him for the advice and for sharing his story, so thank you!
i have not entirely been keeping up to date with the blog for quite some time now, one of the reasons is because some time people give their views and opinions and even their situations and sometime its very heartbreaking to hear how many people are suffering from polygamy so i tried to just distance myself from it for a bit, but i have learnt that it is not possible.
There’s this girl that used to attend my school, she was 18, her mother was a second wife and she was younger than the 1st wife, she was 50 odd and the man was already 70. The husband was not exactly being equal, he lived full time with the 1st and only popped in by the second to see how things were. Him and the second wife had 3 children. The youngest girl was in my class, she dropped out because she had decided to get married, she gave birth about a year ago to her first child. She was a very not here nor there person, very random and undecided. She didn’t have a good relationship with her father because of his never being there, she was of the opinion that all second wife’s are treated like her mother was and that only the first wife’s got 1st class treatment, the girl had so much tragedies in her life i didnt have the heart to tell her its usually the other way around.
Another case i heard of only a few weeks ago was of a moulana who has 3 wives, im not sure how much children he has but the 3rd wife is 16, lives with her parents and they even pay for her clothes etc. the first wife is completely damaged and the second is way beyond angry, she must have thought she was “the one”. He has no peace in any of his marriages because the moment he runs out to see one wife the other calls and it is constant. Women here say its his own fault, that he brought it on himself, which is true, but id rather someone try to make the 1st feel better about her self. its sad because just by the mention of the age of the 3rd you can tell the man doesn’t have much decency, its not “normal” to do things like that.
The other day i was going through my fathers mailbox, which he allows, its kinda a family thing, and i saw a message with the heading: MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK SAW YOUR PICTURES AND SHE’S INTERESTED IN YOU. Once i read that my heart literally jumped into my throat and i could not contain all the different emotions that went through me, after opening the message i discovered it was just one of those stupid adds, i even searched facebook out of worry that my father might have an account, luckily i came up empty.
I think the most i fear out of polygamy is that my father will become a polygamist, he’s good looking as well as well-off, what woman wouldn’t mind marrying him! But i think my mother is very blessed in the sense that he never shows an interest in any women, you get those 2 second stares that happen when a certain beauty product add comes on the tv but never in person (Don’t you just hate those maybeline adds!-REAL women don’t look like that!!!)
I think above all though i’m doing alright, haven’t yet been hit with the urge to marry, marriage seems kinda uneventful and boring to me, i dont know why, i’ve never had ANY contact with the opposite sex EVER!
i hope your doing alright and your marriage is all well and good, GOOD LUCK!
Sallaam
April 9th, 2010 on 12:35 AM
Yes that is correct in what I said .
April 9th, 2010 on 2:52 AM
Assalam Alaikum,
Hmmm, after reading a few comments back and forth, I’m tempted to think that maybe this “Essam” person is actually “Alex,” since he seems bent on defending him…
April 10th, 2010 on 10:02 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Brother ibemuslim! I have taken your suggestion and placed a paypal button on the site so that any would be donors can support our efforts here. I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of the opportunity to gain the favor of our Lord by aiding good.
Thank you much for reminding us of what Allah SWT says: “…whoever suggests, AIDS or recommends a GOOD deed shares in the reward for that deed, WITHOUT any reduction in the reward of the ONE who actually performs the deed” Holy Quran”
Thank you for all your support. I pray Allah continues to bless you immensely. I will continue to “pray ofn n much”
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 10th, 2010 on 10:42 PM
Tammy, I apologize for taking so long to welcome you to polygamy411. I’m glad you’ve joined us and I hope we could be of some help to you. I was holding off commenting hoping others would comment, as well. I know sister Khadijah has commented briefly. Perhaps she will be back.
I think you’ve summed up your situation and you pretty much have an idea of what your options are:
• You know at some point the man you may marry may engage in polygamy. He has forewarned you.
• You said you prefer monogamy and your mind won’t change regarding it.
• He said he could engage in polygamy without your consent, which is true.
It appears he’s done what he is supposed to do – mutually consult with you about it. So, the only thing left is for you to marry him, knowing one day he may marry someone else whether you like it or not or not marry him and find someone else who opts for monogamy and hope he doesn’t go polygamous (cheat) behind your back.
I’d suggest you take a good, close look at why you would accept Islam.
• Is it only so the two of you could marry or do you have a sincere interest in knowing and learning about Islam and accepting it as your religion with a sincere desire to live it and serve and worship Allah?
• If you don’t marry him, will you still become Muslim?
• If you marry him and it doesn’t work and you divorce, would you still continue to be Muslim?
Islam isn’t a religion that anyone should accept simply to obtain a special benefit from it; in your case the benefit would be to marry this man, it appears. We haven’t heard you say anything else such as you’ve been reading Quran and studying about Islam and believe it’s the religion for you and you are thinking about becoming Muslim because of it. We’ve only heard that you are considering becoming Muslim to marry the man that you love.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 10th, 2010 on 11:10 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Okhiti Khadijah! I pray you are feeling much better since the last time you wrote and Allah has bestowed peace and His mercy upon you. We all have those days when things seem to be so overwhelming for us, especially in polygamy; however, before we know it we begin to regain our strength and continue to press on.
That was a really good story that you shared with us about the young, beautiful girl that was mean and her husband married another (second) woman who was plain. I know from experience that it does happen. I was shocked my husband took another wife, especially a very unattractive one. I can’t even say she’s a nice person, as I know nothing of her. She certainly isn’t like the second wife that you described above that say As Salaamu Alaikum to her husband’s other wife and communicate in a kind way. Nonetheless, my husband marrying another was a wake up call for me and it did make me take notice of him. I began to realize he was a person with feelings and needs and just not some insignificant nobody. It made me take a close look at myself and I have changed significantly. I thank Allah much.
Nothing is usually as we expect it to be until we reach the point in our lives not to have expectations other than what Allah SWT promises us in Quran. Allah’s promises are true and He’s the only Reality; things aren’t always what they seem. We can’t even trust our own senses.
It’s amazing how women think when they are young that their lives won’t change. They just don’t realize that their youth is fleeting and one day they will be in the same position as the older women they mocked, if they live long enough.
Let’s continue to seek Allah’s help with patience, perseverence and pray Okhiti Khadijah and we’ll be OK…
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 11th, 2010 on 12:10 AM
Salaam Zainab, I definitely understand you distancing yourself from the blog for a time, as the stories can be very heartbreaking to read. Many times I’m brought to tears by what I read and it reopens my own wounds so to speak. I think that’s why I’ve been away from the blog for a little while. I just couldn’t bring myself to write. I think I became a bit burned out. I don’t know. As much as I wanted to write, I just couldn’t. It’s a prime example of how Allah controls everything. I think I’m good to go now though.
I’m happy that you’re happy Zainab. Don’t concern yourself about marriage. Whatever passes you wasn’t for you and whatever is for you would never pass you. You don’t have to chase down marriage. When it’s meant to be the situation will present itself. You’ve got plenty of time regardless of what anyone says. Just make sure you pray that Allah send you a righteous, pious man to be your husband when the time is right.
Thank you for sharing the stories of the real live persons that you are familiar with that live polygamy. There’s a lot of sadness out there, but there doesn’t have to be. What is it that we’re doing wrong? I think soon we’ll need to explore that topic and see if we could answer that question.
Zainab, try not to worry so much about your dad. Allah hasn’t chosen polygamy for every man. There is a strong possibility that your dad won’t become polygamous, so don’t spend your time worrying about something that very well may never happen.
Just to update you a bit on Alex and me – nothing much has been happening. He went on a vacation with Carolinah for approx. 10 days. He said they didn’t go any place. She doesn’t like traveling. I don’t think she likes adventure
just the sensual kind…ya feel meh. Whether they really went some place or not, I don’t know. Alex angered me a bit because he took some of our DVDs with him to her house…pissed me off. And yes I did email and texted him about it when I found the DVDs missing. He apologized and said he thought they were ours. I still have to have a conversation with him about it. My property is his as well, but not communal property for him to share with girlfriend (Carolinah). I have to talk with him about our Islamic books, as well. Some of the books that I have are out of print and some I had to pay a lot of money to get a copy of. I feel if Carolinah wants to read some Islamic books she could order her own. I have a huge problem with sharing, as you can see. It’s not a problem sharing with everyone, just some people, especially sharing something near and dear to me like a husband.
Take good care of yourself Zainab and as brother ibemuslim says “pray ofn n much”
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 11th, 2010 on 12:56 PM
Salaam Marcel,
Marcel said to Zayn, “How old are you? you must be sick of polygamy if your reallly old and have to put up with it this long!” – Marcel, I can’t help but laugh every time I re-read that statement. Brother Zayn, please forgive me for laughing. It’s just that Marcel, you are so young, so brother Zayn just seems “old” to you in comparison lol I don’t think he’s the elderly gentleman you may envision.
Nonetheless, sometimes what we’ve experienced growing up doesn’t leave us. One sister I communicated with briefly said, “my father was in polygamy during my childhood & the affect that it has on children is tremendous……i still got issues (SMILE)”
It’s interesting when we consider the women that men make subsequent wives. I know it’s not always about the appearance, which so many people say is shallow. I keep remembering what one of the commentators here previously said, something like, “even crap on a stick is a threat.” There’s a lesson to be learned; we should never rule out someone as competition in looking at the person from an aesthetic point of view.
It’s so very difficult to not want bad for the person who harms or injures us or harms or injures the ones we love. Marcel, you said: “I really would like #2 to feel some emotional burden (unislamic i know) but it would be umm..fulfilling in a way.” I can relate; as “unislamic” as it is, I still have those feeling towards Carolinah and I’m certain she has them towards me.
There must be a way to rid ourselves of those unkind thoughts; I guess it’ll happen as we grow nearer to Allah; I pray.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 11th, 2010 on 1:04 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Muslim Sister! I see you are new to commenting here at polygamy 411. Welcome to our home. We hope you visit often and much.
I too was wondering about Essam. He was strong in taking a position about Alex. I wonder if there were some similarities in their lives??? I don’t know.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 11th, 2010 on 5:30 PM
Thanks for your response Ana ! I didn’t mention those things b/c I am still studying as of yet. I would not embrace a religion for for the sake of marriage only. I wanted more information about all aspects of Islam to make an educated choice for myself. I again thank your for your response and not judging me like the other post/response I received.
April 12th, 2010 on 2:07 AM
Marcel,
I’m 67 years old, and yes, i am sort of “sick” of polygamy but only because the same thing keeps happening over and over. People don’t seem to learn from others mistakes. The younger generation will always say “leave me alone, i need to make my own mistakes to learn”, but thats not possible. Because in the mean time more people will be caused distress.
There are six qualities that were found in all the Sahaba, one of them being Ikraamul-muslim, to forgo your rights in the favour of other muslims, it will not kill a man to not practice polygamy nor will it kill him to ask his wife’s permission. The examples of polygamy Zainab has given, im afraid are nothing new. Every year the same thing happens and the same excuses are given.
I would not want polygamy for any of my family members, all you need is a bad day for someone to throw it in your face and you will be left standing ashamed and embarrassed. I hope you have taken what i said concertaining you and your father to heart Insahaa-Allah.
W.Sallaam
April 12th, 2010 on 12:14 PM
The prophet(peace and blessing be upon him) is reported to have said; “marriage is half of deen therefor fear Allah in the remainder”. This hadith is rated hadith sahih by both Imams Bukhari and Muslim.
Without resorting to “analogous conclusions” as Iblis did in reaching his decision not to obey a command given to him, let us look for a moment at the other half of deen.
1) We must believe in Allah(ta ala) as He has prescribed for us to believe in Him. We must not call on others for help, guidence or aid aside from Him.
2) We must pray a minimum of 5 times daily, with the exceptions and stipulations provided for us by the sunnah.
3) We must fast for 30 days during the holy month of ramadhan, except for the exemption provided for us in the Quran and sunnah.
4) We must give 2.5% of our earnings inexcess of our needs in charity. In the manner described for us in the sunnah.
5) We must endeavor to make pilgrimage to Mecca at least once in our lifetime, if we are able.
Now anyone who seriously examines these tenents must readily admit THEY ARE A LOT OF WORK! A lifetime of work as a matter of fact. And these things are respresentative of ONLY HALF of deen. The scholars agree that this is what is meant by “and fear Allah in the remainder”. That is to observe the aforementioned.
Now put all this on one side of a scale and marriage on the other(whether marriage to 1 woman or 4) or a woman married to a man, and these things will be equal. So if it takes sincere compounded effort to be seccussful in observing the 1st half why would any rasonable person expect the other half to be a “cake walk”?
Polygamy has been decreed and ordained “permissible” because it serves a vital function in the affairs of men. I would endeavor to bet( metaphorically speaking) that if someone who objects to polygamy found their female loved one in jeopardy of abandoning their deen, they would jump, in a second to recommend she marry “a good brother” who may already have a wife.
The problem ISN’T that Allah(ta ala) recommended a flawed practice, the problem is that we muslims are flawed in our practice of it. Therefore the solution isn’t to recommend abandoning polygamy, the solution is to EDUCATE the MUSLIMS in this deen.
I pray fajr in jamaat nearly every morning(make dua for me that Allah makes it easy) and there are only 5 or 6 other brothers in the masjid praying beside me. The Islamic classes have the same number of people in attendence. What, are the others getting this religion by osmosis? No they are making it up as they go!
Allah(ta ala) said that this RELIGION will assume its proper place whether those who misbelieve like it or not. He didn’t say that the muslims would. Throughout history we witness whole peoples being replaced because they “adjust and change” their religion to suit their own fears. May Allah(ta ala) protect us all from this, ameen.
your brother in Oakland
“pray oftn n much”
April 16th, 2010 on 9:07 AM
As Salaam Alaikum!
I have been reading the Quran and searching this site and others for specific information on the “rules and/or guidelines” for these types of situations. As of now I fully get the just and equal treatment of all….but how do you handle the communication/interaction when he’s gone? My situation is a little different in that Wife #1 does NOT know about me as of yet (we are to be married in July). They have been separated for 2 years (for the THIRD time in their 5 year marriage)…he plans on telling her after we marry and have our first child…
Im just not sure how the day to day is supposed to work…he has not set a schedule up, how much of what goes on in the other marriage are you even supposed to know…because theoretically is DOES effect your house as well….
And lastly…we had an arguement (well he was yelling and I was looking at him like he was crazy…LOL) and he threw his clothes on and told me “I know how to fix you”…well needless to say he was going to go over “there”…I mean come on…first of all I have explained to him she is NOT a sanctuary from me and nor I from her…period. And as hard as it is for us as women to share, for him to use that as a “punishment”…UGH! May Allah have mercy on him. Has anyone else experienced these situations or relapses while trying to create these healthy situations???
I am struggling here and I don’t want a misery loves company type situation…I am looking for guidance…and how you worked thru similar things…inspiration….thank you all for listening…
Mrs. #2
April 16th, 2010 on 12:59 PM
May you know the righteous tree by its fruit.
There is no substitute for knowledge of deen. Those who seek to “go it alone”(that is to strike a path all their own) are doomed to failure.
If what you seek is a “good man” out of any brother, then you must “encourage him” along the lines of goodness. I know that sounds like “train your husband” but that is exactly what it is NOT.
Many of us enter into marriage with the idea of eventually having to settle for what we have. This is contrary to the spirit of this religion. The True Redeemer and Transformer of man is Allah(ta ala)and He elevates us by degrees according to our ability to fulfill the task which He places before us.
A better muslim equals a better man in the truest sense. I realize that this might seem vague and non-specific, but it is not. There are actions which muslim men are required to take that enhances who they are as men. Such as fajr salat in the masjid. The value of this is beyond our scope. The prophet is reported to have said; “if you knew the value of praying fajr in jaamat you would come to the masjid even if you had to be carried between two men”.
My dear friend had 2 wives at one and the sametime for over 14years. One of the sisters to whom he was married to he was married to for 19years until she returned to Allah(ta ala). What makes longivity in multiple marriages is the samething that is true for single marriages. And that is FRIENDSHIP…….
Allah(ta ala) says; “the BELIEVERS are friends and protector of one another”. There is no way to be friends with someone who does not desire your friendship. You can be “friendly” towards them and perhaps Allah(ta ala) will incline their hearts towards you in friendship, but that is Allah(ta ala)’s business.
Friends put the well-being of one another before their own. Friends really enjoy the company of one another and strive to be together. The prophet is reported to have said, “a person will be with those whom they love in this life and the next”. We are not talking about “fair-weather friends” or “bobble-heads” we are talking about true friends.
These are lessons that can only be learned by keeping the company of the believers. You can’t get this by osmosis or from “your player days”. It can only come from Allah(ta ala) through our compliance with the sunna as best we can under the circumstances. This is what being muslim means.
May the sootheing mercy of Allah(ta ala) settle on your heart and you know what sakinah is. Us all, inshallah….ameen
your brother in Oakland
“pray oftn n much”
April 16th, 2010 on 9:46 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Mrs.2,
It’s a bit difficult to advise you based on what you’ve described. Here is where what ibemuslim said comes into play. He said, “There is no substitute for knowledge of deen. Those who seek to “go it alone”(that is to strike a path all their own) are doomed to failure.” It sounds as though you and your husband to be have devised a path all your own. You can’t expect to have a prosperous marriage based on the conditions that currently exist.
Although he and his wife are “separated”, they are still together, as you said he threatened to go to her when you and he argued. He still talks about setting up a schedule, including her although they are “separated”. If this is the case and they are still married, she is entitled to know immediately about the plans you and he have made to be married. How do you think it would make her feel to find out from him that he married a second wife and had a child with her, after the fact??? Where is the mutual consultation that Allah SWT talks about? Allah SWT says: “Those who hearken to their Lord, and establish regular prayer; who (conduct) their affairs by mutual consultation; who spend out of what we bestow on them for Sustenance” Quran 42:38. You should ask yourself how you would like it if you were his 1st wife and he sprung a second marriage and a baby on you, after the fact. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in their marriage; they are still married.
Regarding the argument the two of you had and him threatening to leave to go to her, if you two were married, there is a way disagreements should be handled between a husband and wife in Islam. See Quran, Surah 4, Iyat 34. He could refuse to share your bed; however, I don’t think it means to run off to be with the other wife. It’s still your night, or time. I’ve been upset with my husband and I left a couple or few times and slept in another room. If things get really bad between a husband and a wife, they are supposed to have arbiters from both families Quran, Surah 4, Iyat 35. Of course if your families consist of all non-Muslims, you’ll have to find a Muslim arbiter to represent you, as the rulings would have to come from those knowledgeable about Islam.
You asked how to handle communications/interaction when he’s gone. Your question is a bit pre-mature, as you have no communications with the other wife yet, so there’s nothing to handle. However, I think it is all done on a case by case basis. As for me, my husband’s (Alex’s) other “wife” refuses to communicate with me and has done so since day one. She refuses to even say As Salaamu Alaikum. To avoid dissension, Alex tries not to communicate with her, via phone, in my presence. I email Alex sometimes when he’s with her. Perhaps she does the same; I don’t know. For now, I’d suggest you focus on building a better foundation for your marriage and focus on the schedule and communications involving her, once it all becomes a reality. Right now, you don’t know whether she will stay married to him once she finds out he’s polygamous, or about to become polygamous, nor do you know whether she’ll want to have any thing to do with you.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 16th, 2010 on 10:17 PM
Thank you everyone…beautiful words…@Ana…I just wanted to clarify..not communication with “her”…I mean with him when its her night etc….Does your husband talk to his other wife or accept her phone calls when he is with you? Does he check on that house to make sure she’s safe before retiring with you….And you are correct, she probably won’t speak to me.
April 16th, 2010 on 11:39 PM
I think it’s important to mention that women involved in polygamous marriages need to be or learn to be independent and not so reliant upon a husband. There had to be many times that Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), his companions and his followers were away from their wives for lengthy periods of time when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his followers were propagating Islam, and were at war. From the little I’ve read about the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives, my understanding is they busied themselves in being charitable etc. Aisha busied herself teaching etc. I don’t think it was the same as today with wives calling up the husband when he’s with another wife, belly aching about every little problem that presents itself. I text and freaked out, nonstop, at the onset of Alex becoming polygamous simply to cause dissension and to wreak havoc in his and Carolinah’s lives. I wanted to have access to others who can assist me in times of need when Alex is with Carolinah, which is a reason I refuse to move to another state with Alex away from my familiar surroundings.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 17th, 2010 on 5:32 AM
Assalamu alaikum ,
To Mrs. 2,
I totally agree in what Ana said as regards to you putting yourself in his wife’s place. These situations would be more harmonious if that happened from subsequent wives and the husbands out seeking for that matter.
What I read from you is that you aren’t married to this person yet, but he was at your house and had to put on his clothes. This is my issue. I didn’t see any advice given in that he is NOT supposed to be with you alone, at all, whatsoever before you are married. This is not Islam. A Muslim man who has intentions on marrying a Muslim female has to go thru her guardian in order to communicate with her.
So I advise you two to back up and follow the Islamic guidelines as regards this situation. Mainly, I’m referring to him, because he should know this basic etiquette.
Also, just because he has separated from his wife a number of times doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her or want to be with her. I’d like to also advise subsequent wives to not believe when a man tells you of problems with his first wife. Firstly, being that you wouldn’t want him telling your business to another woman, then you should close your ears to any talk that proceeds from his mouth and request that you yourself talk to his existing wife to see if there are indeed problems. This could help you in your decision in marrying the man as well. Women have this thing about them, especially subsequent wives. It’s as if they WANT something to be wrong/amiss/flawed with the first or existing wives. That way, she feels more validated and needed in the situation. AND I HATE THAT! So Mrs. 2, you are not coming in to fix anything because there is nothing wrong with his first wife, except that she’s human just like you.
But anyway, this brother you’re intending to marry needs to start from square one and he should not be alone with you, having arguments with you and the like as if you’re already married to him. You guys seem way too close to not be married yet, and that’s a problem
Suhaylah
April 17th, 2010 on 6:13 PM
Salaam….
Wow is what I will say first. To Suhaylah I would respectfully like to clear some stuff up for you that was clearly misinterpreted:
You said: Also, just because he has separated from his wife a number of times doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her or want to be with her. I’d like to also advise subsequent wives to not believe when a man tells you of problems with his first wife. Firstly, being that you wouldn’t want him telling your business to another woman, then you should close your ears to any talk that proceeds from his mouth and request that you yourself talk to his existing wife to see if there are indeed problems. This could help you in your decision in marrying the man as well. Women have this thing about them, especially subsequent wives. It’s as if they WANT something to be wrong/amiss/flawed with the first or existing wives. That way, she feels more validated and needed in the situation. AND I HATE THAT! So Mrs. 2, you are not coming in to fix anything because there is nothing wrong with his first wife, except that she’s human just like you.
I never said he didn’t love her, but continual separation is signs of issues. How they fix, or work their marriage out is THEIR business…and we don’t discuss his and her marriage. It is really not my concern to that extent. I feel validate and needed in his life because HE says so, not b/c of insecurities…he loves ME and I know this…it doesn’t take away or change how he feels about her….so you are incorrect. And I will say this and leave it alone….I AM A MUSLIM as is HE…however, I never told you that we were perfect…and as HUMANS we struggle everyday and pray Allah grants guidance and gives mercy. And as far as her being “human” I recognize this and always have — my issue is NOT her…my issue that others have so graciously advised me on without judgment was the logistics of polygamy and understanding issues, feelings and emotions that come along with it…I am sorry you feel the way you do…but thank you for expressing your side.
Mrs. #2
April 17th, 2010 on 6:18 PM
Ana,
Salaam…thank you for your response. I too find it important to have a “life” and submerge myself in activities that I enjoy. I have a few great friends, love to work out, Im in school, I work so I stay busy…I even went to a really good play last week with a good girlfriend…and yes, I agree a good support system is key….thank you so much for your words and the ability to ask questions freely here. This is a tremendous help.
Mrs. #2
April 17th, 2010 on 8:38 PM
Mrs.2, I cannot stress enough how thankful I am to Allah (swt) for you and all the readers and commentators that have joined us here at polygamy 411. This site could not exist without everyone who has joined us here, asking and answering questions, and making comments. I was a total mess emotionally and psychologically after I began living polygamy. My health suffered, as well.
I desperately needed help and knew I couldn’t continue to burden my immediate family and my few close friends with what I was experiencing. I thank Allah much for inspiring me to create this blog and for all of those who have helped me at a time when I was at an all time low and didn’t know how I’d survive.
Everyone here has been absolutely wonderful, Non-Muslims and Muslims alike. Nearly everyone has been very kind, supportive and understanding and I couldn’t ask for more. I just pray this site continues to be a place where all can come and find some solace in coping with a lifestyle that was devised by God perfectly, but is lived by mankind who has imperfections. I pray Allah continues to have mercy on all of us.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 18th, 2010 on 3:40 AM
Assalamu alaikum,
My words to subsequent wives weren’t directed at you per se, Mrs. 2. What I wrote was an advice to All subsequent wives. I felt I had to say that because after being on just about every group and reading so many stories,and talking/sharing words with women in polygny, this is the conclusion I have come to.
I don’t recall stating that you said he didn’t love his wife either OR anything about whether you are perfect or not. The truth has to be stated whether we like it or not and you being Muslim too makes the situation worse. The religion is naseeha (advice) even if we don’t want to hear the advice ourselves.
And I’ll state again, because you revealed on this blog that you are having relations with a married man, that the two of you are prohibited from being alone together in Islam. We know that shaytaan is the third party when these situations arise. I’m sorry that I don’t sound flowery and rosy, but we can’t all be that way especially when grave offenses are made against Islam. If you were my blood sister, I’d sound the same. I love my sisters and brothers and Islam and I don’t rejoice when they fall into error.
In actuality, if his wife finds out about you, then she has grounds for divorce. If she knows that you are 1.fooling around with HER husband and 2. that you are actually her sister in Islam who is going behind her back , then the anger, bitterness, betrayal and all those other negative feelings are going to be much worse. Your love for him and him for you shouldn’t keep you two from wanting to do right by Allah. It’s upon you guys to make tawbah and cease any kind of relationship between the two of you, analyze the situation and decide what the new starting point is going to be.
So, I’m just giving naseeha to Allah’s book, and I’m sorry if someone telling you this sounds “judgemental”. It’s not, and we shouldn’t even go there when our brothers/sisters in faith want to advise us. Why? Because we can , in this religion , judge others by Allah’s Book and His Messenger’s Sunnah. And that’s Islam.My words are with sincerity, even if you take it as an attack, then I can’t help that.
I guess that’s all I’ll say about it. After advising, then it’s upon the individuals to take it or leave it.
And that’s all we can do.
I ask Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala to give us good in this world and the hereafter and save us from the torment of the fire. Ameen
Suhaylah
April 18th, 2010 on 6:45 AM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Suhaylah!
I concur with you that we as Muslims are obliged to remind one another, and judge by that which Allah has given us to judge with – the Quran. Thank you for being forthcoming with your advice. I pray Allah blesses you immensely for it and for helping all who hear it and take heed (F)
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 18th, 2010 on 3:25 PM
Hello Mrs. 2, this is about your comment:
“…he plans on telling her after we marry and have our first child…”
I don’t think one has to be Muslim to know that this action is going to cause one person a great deal of pain. And when we cause others such pain, in this way, we pay the price ourselves.
Also you said:
…”he threw his clothes on and told me “I know how to fix you”…
Mrs 2, I wouldn’t return to a man who said such a thing to me. I imagine that you believe that you have a context and explanation for such behavior. I guess there is probably a long and painful history in the making. Good luck.
April 19th, 2010 on 12:39 AM
I didn’t say that these actions wouldn’t cause her pain…but that is HIS marriage with her and HE has to determine how to deal with that…I can make suggestions and advise…ultimately he will have to deal with that…as a woman, I KNOW MY HUSBAND wouldn’t be able to get any where NEAR that far with any woman without me having an inkling of an idea….and I am sure many of you women feel the same…what SHE choose to allow and “show a blind eye” to is her issue…not mine….she has allowed him to do a lot of what he has done and I won’t go further into that to avoid conflict…he’s NOT perfect but I deal with him in my relationship with him and get results…she will have to do the same…
He has some growing to do in his Islam and in this situation….as I do as well…that’s why I AM HERE to heed advice from those that know and have gone before me. I believe that Allah did bring us together and that this is meant to be…so the long and painful history you speak of…not sure its going to be allll of that…but I am sure like any marriage it will have its challenges…and I pray that Allah does guide us, bring us closer to HIM and continue to show us mercy….
Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing…
Salaam,
Mrs. #2
April 19th, 2010 on 2:05 AM
Assallaamu Alaykum Ana
I am quite the fan of this blog, every 2 minutes i find myself checking for any updates. It is a very insightful blog and i enjoy it tremendously.
I have been a first wife for a little over 7 years now and Alhamdu Lillah it has been a struggle but one worthwhile. When my husband first became polygamous i was, as any wife would be, hurt, angry, depressed, basically i felt everything that a woman hopes never to feel.
I had to deal with a husband who in my opinion today, is less of a man than a would have liked, a co-wife who thinks the world revolves around her AND seven beautiful children that my marriage has blessed me with. When i was an only wife there were many things that i would do for my husband that would take the strain and burden of everyday life off him, many of my wifely/womanly rights that i let slide for him, but once he CHOSE polygamy for himself, his children and me, i realized what his priorities were and what he though of our life.
SORRY to leave it there but i will continue soon !!
April 19th, 2010 on 11:15 AM
Sallaam,
i had to leave earlier to drop the kids off and then the little one decided to put his scissoring skills to good use and snip the internet cable and it was a never ending battle to get back out here.
I was never really “embarrassed” of his polygamy i was only angry and hurt, it was more like a “how could you do this to me” sort of thing. I agree with what you say when you said that polygamy is only for a certain type of woman, i don’t know if at that time i was that “type”. But i know had i not had supportive family and something to strive for i would have probably still have been depressed to this day.
I can honestly say that i am not in the least affected with MY polygamy, i have acceptive it for what it is, i don’t feel a need to be near my husband or to know whats happening in his life with his other wife. I am content as i am.
One thing that my Islamic teacher has told me is that Shaytaan(devil) does not misguide good people with bad things, he starts with what is allowed and he misleads us by making us convince ourselves that its right until eventually we find ourself committing the major sins.
All the best for you Inshaa-Allah and good luck with your marriage site!
April 19th, 2010 on 11:32 AM
Mrs.2…
Ahh..(this is gonna be good)
Firstly, your nickname, when i first saw it i thought it was from an ACTUAL MRS! so i prepared myself emotionally for the comment, however your not his wife and therefore to discard any unneeded sin that you would have placed on yourself i am URGING you to change your nick name.
secondly, your not his wife, what you ARE to any decent person here, is his MISTRESS. He comes to you when he feels like it and leaves when he feels like it. The only thing you have from him is PROMISES, from a man whose gallivanting around like some bachelor trying to LIVE THE DREAM>
In my experience, i’d say he’ll never marry you,-not for you “piety” at least. NOOOOO!! things are too easy for him, he has a lovely wife at home cooking his effing meals and a “woman” waiting in the wings at his very beck n call. He has no reason to marry you (LOVE WILL NEEEVVEEER be enuf). If everything does go through as he says, after the baby he’ll hit you with a “i cant tell her now, she fragile, she’s going to be in alot more pain that i originally THOUGHT”.
AND the question on everyones mind!!! WHERE”S YOUR PARENTS!! YOUR MAHRAM!! YOUR PROTECTORS!! this is why if everybody just did as told we would’t have these situations filled with drama. Marriage isn’t gonna fill that empty VOID in your soul.
Sallaam Ana, how are you?
everything’s well on this side, was mum’s birthday last week, we had a whole “week of terrorizing “dad”, my oldest brother grew his hair and gelled it all over his one eye, not sure but i think its the new “style”, cause everyone was like, WOW..OOHH..AAHH’ing at this “look”, the other one lost 10 inches off his waist to fit into a skinny And i brought home a guy called francis FANNY!! ^_^
AWESOME!! hope u keepin gud!!
April 19th, 2010 on 2:53 PM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam Cassandra! I’m glad you’ve joined us here and commented. Welcome! It’s nice hearing from you. You are indeed an inspiration for all women in polygamy. You sound so positive and strong. I admire the fact that you have seven wonderful children that Allah has blessed you with and you have managed to tackle polygamy to the degree that you have found contentment with what is. That gives me hope and I’m sure it inspires hope in many.
You are so right about having a good support system at the onset of polygamy in one’s life. Without it one is definitely doomed. I’m glad you’ve sprung back with mighty zest, and are going forward. I can’t say enough how much I admire women that are confronted with polygamy and have children. That is a heck of a test, but you show that it’s a test that can be passed.
I’m trying to do as you, make my husband insignificant, and not have that need to be near him thing going on. Although I may be curious at times about what’s going on down the road with him and his other woman, I know it’s best not to know. I’ll let him deal with her and that life away from me.
I’m glad you’re doing good coping with the “co-wife” that thinks the world revolve around her. That’s something we first wives must master, coping with them. I should really be grateful that my husband’s other “wife” wants nothing to do with me. I suppose she and I should just not exist to one another. The only one any of us really has to exist for is our husbands when it’s time, not their other women. It certainly is a wakeup call when we find out where our husbands’ priorities are. Oh well…
I hope you stay with us, Cassandra and comment again often and soon. I pray Allah continues to bless you and your family immensely. Thanks for all the well wishes, too!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 19th, 2010 on 3:24 PM
Salaam Marcel, I’m happy you’re in a jovial mood. I’m glad you’re feeling chipper today – I just felt like being corny, nerd like. Anyway, it was your mum’s birthday. Happy Belated Birthday Mum!!!
I’m doing as well as can be expected Marcel. I just got beat up on a bit, but I’m recoverying. Our new found friend, Kelley, has pointed out the errors of my ways. He’s alright with me. You’re alright with me, Kelley. I just have to proceed with caution with Kelley so my blood pressure doesn’t rise. Kelley has a way of making my blood boil.
Anyway Marcel, you may want to lighten up on dad, as you don’t want to be labeled the baaaaaad son. You know I’m the baaaaad wife. We have to do better!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 19th, 2010 on 4:12 PM
Mrs.2, I was giving what Marcel said some thought. It makes sense what Marcel said – your guy may think his wife would be TOO FRAGILE to handle knowing about your marriage and a baby after it happens. Think about it; if he hasn’t told her about you yet, out of fear or whatever it may be, what makes you think he will tell her about you when things are far worst or too you much better (when you to are married with a child)?
I’d suggest you sit down with your guy and have a very long, serious discussion with him. Suggest to him that he tells his wife about you and your plans to wed in July. At least he will be obeying Allah by mutually consulting with his wife and discussing what they should do and how they will proceed, if they proceed, with their marriage. She is entitled to that much; Allah says conduct all our affairs with mutual consultation. Then you will no longer be a secret and you will receive the respect that you deserve, as well. If your guy refuses to do this, a red flag should go up for you to take heed to the warning that you may end up being a secret wife/mistress. Marriage is to be celebrated and publicized in Islam. Polygamy is permissible.
I’m wishing you the best with this. I know it won’t be easy for any of you. I’m sure you’ll feel better about yourself after it’s done and it may be the beginning of you and your guy having a beautiful, happy marriage to come, once you fix the foundation
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 19th, 2010 on 4:29 PM
Oh, Mrs.2, Suhaylah and Marcel are right about you needing a wali/guardian. I know it’s difficult at this stage in your relationship with your intended to have an escort or chaperone, but you should take necessary measures to stop the intimacy that you and he have. You now know that modesty and chastity is of utmost importance in Islam. You have to find a way to turn him away.
Perhaps he would respect you more for this and want to hasten to marry you. Once you become Muslim things don’t change overnight. We have to transition from our ways of old. I don’t know whether you have taken Shahadah, if not, you should do that, so all your sins will be forgiven and you can get a fresh start, a new beginning in life.
I feel happy for you, as I think things could be really good for you. Turn all your attention to Allah and ask for His help and guidance and you’ll be OK. Allah promises you that.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 20th, 2010 on 10:00 AM
So much to say…but I will start with “Thank you” while some of the posts are WAY off base there have been comments made by ALL that are real and true. I recognize the frailties/flaws and un-Islamic issues that are in my relationship and while I didn’t post it I could go on for days how I was convicted and challenged on it…none of you know what Allah has put on my heart for my transgressions so the “judging” that you placed on me here is NO comparison.
Secondly, some comments have been made about me being a mistress, his lovely wife who cooks his effing meals etc…goes home to her, comes to me whenever…truly NOT the case…and I will leave it at that. I would suggest that anyone think 5x before they speak (or type). Those are assumptions that were made and are FAR from the truth. You should only address/answer questions that are asked and not try and read between the lines or put your own spin on it. I did not share the entire story b/c I wasn’t here for that…as I stated before I was here for the logistics of the situation. And even though I am NOT married right now, I am doing my research as I was NOT brought up in polygamy, never knew anyone in polygamy etc….but I WILL be married soon and through prayer, studying and through others that have gone before me I pray that I am able to be the best I can be…thats why I was here.
I love my husband to be very much and Marcel you are right LOVE IS NNNNNNEEEEEEVVVVEEEERRRR enuff whether you are married to one person or 15….This marriage isn’t about just me and him…Allah has put me here…and even in my mistakes (I thank Allah for his mercy) this is about my faith…Allah is first..judge (or remind as some of you say)…but remember…reminders ARE a blessing but its not what you say but HOW you say it. And when you don’t have all the facts be careful.
And I will not change my screen name. Its just a “name” here for the forum. We all call ourselves Muslim, but clearly we all do not FULLY SUBMIT are will…hence we’d be perfect which I venture to say NONE of us are….but it is a NAME a TITLE we are to strive to be and live up to everyday…hence MRS. #2….in “real life” I do not call myself that, nor do I profess to be it at this point…
@Ana: I do appreciate your comments and value the information you have given. What is most warming is that you don’t judge — u use the Word to suggest and guide…a beautiful gift.
@Marcel: Starting anything with “This will be good” and then commenting on things that do not exist is a waste of your spirit and what good you truly can bring to the table. You set the wrong tone, especially if you want some to truly take heed — and if you don’t care truly then you shouldn’t comment.
@Anyone else: I just wanted to read about others experience and see the potential this situation may bring…I have been reading with an open mind and heart and judge no one. I am not a mistress…I am to be married. Each situation is different but I do believe we FEEL a lot of the same emotions…my situation iS NOT perfect and some things that are happening I am not totally comfortable with (her not knowing upfront)…but I am letting HIM handle that as HE knows best for that RELATIONSHIP (which is in disarray and they are attempting to mend)…I pray that Allah guides him to the best of decisions…I mean NO harm, but I focus on ME and HIM…we plan, but Allah is the best planner….
ASA…..
April 20th, 2010 on 2:00 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Mrs.2! I agree with you that each situation is different; no situation is perfect and we do feel a lot of the same emotions. I know you mean no harm. We’re glad you are here. I don’t think anyone means to intentionally disrespect you or hurt you. I think those who have commented to you are releasing onto you some of their own hurt and pain that they have experienced along the way in trying to cope with polygamy. I hope you understand that.
I think we all are concerned about you, and don’t want you to end up being that secret wife or mistress. No one likes for a woman to be a secret wife or mistress. No woman wants that for herself or any other woman. I hope I’m not being repetitive in what I say. It’s not primarily about his wife, but the two of you. You have a right to be known to all as being his wife when it happens, despite how that makes the first wife feel. I’m in an arkward position as I write, as I don’t feel good about knowing what she will go through when she finds out, simply because I know from my own experience how devastated she will be and the pain your marriage to him will cause her.
It’s good to hear that you are not comfortable with her not knowing up front. I think although you are only going to focus on your relationship with him, again I must say it would be best that you encourage him to consult with his wife about the situation for the sake of you, his wife, and him. It would be a good deed on your part to remind him. Whether he takes heed or not is on him. I encourage it because the way he handles the matter will impact your marriage to him, as well. I know things that are said here may be hurtful to you. Many times I was hurt by what was said, but it’s all good. Be strong; hang in there and remember Allah much.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 20th, 2010 on 4:29 PM
Mrs 2:
I don’t know for how long you will participate in this blog. I suggest that you print out every entry you have made, and every response that has been given to you, and keep it.
April 20th, 2010 on 5:09 PM
Mrs.2
Chances are that what you are saying is all well and good, that you mean no harm, that you just another human being trying to live a good life and make the best out of your situation, but ”I” cannot see any good in it. Because whatever you say (your advices, your experiences), i cannot take to heart, as it is all tainted with what you are doing (engaging in sinful acts). This situation that YOU have placed yourself in is entirely YOUR fault. When you say this is where God wants you to be, what do you mean? You brough this situation on yourself. The thing that irks me about most women is that when one gets pregnant outside marriage and the father rufuses to pay maintanence or whatever, women look at him and say ”it takes two to tango” but when an affair or secret marriages take place, women stand back and point fingers at the man. You are just as responsible in this situation as he, you are not free from any blame, not that you said you were. No one needs to know the WHOLE story, he’s married and your ‘there’, this speaks volumes off both your and his character. I am not perfect, infact im deeply flawed, im just like most 17 year olds with the exception of knowing what its like having a father who betrayd his family. And you, unless it happens to you, will never be able to truly understand what it feels like to think yourself not good enough. And there are many times when me and my siblings beat ourselves up because none of us were good enough in our fathers eyes to prevent him from choosing his desires, my mom will hurt still for a long while, but if things get harder, she may divorce him. But for the rest of my life i have to call him my father, a man i have no respect for.
I have no sympathy for you, i cannot because of what i have seen and felt, give you any advice, because i know that whatever advice i or anyone else give you, you will use to to draw your ‘husband’ nearer to you. And i think you dont realize how serious a situation this is, what could happen between him and his wife, their respective families, whatever happens you are half the reason. WHEN i comment i may also talk about how strongly i believe in my faith or how i love seeking spiritual guidance from one and all but that doesnt work for me, nobody ever truly understands what someone means when they talk about their deep belief and sincerity. It doesnt matter what i think of you or what you think of me, and frankly i think none of us really cares, but I can say with conviction that when i go to bed at night i go with a clean concions, that i did not and hopefully never will be the cause of somebody else’ deep pain and the cause that they felt helpless and totally broken. You speak of how your working on your faith, but what does that mean? You still mingling with this man, who obviously is not god-fearing enough to abstain from so many major sins. My mum always tells me that when we leave the house she doesnt care if i feel the need to point and laugh at some idiot doing some idiotic thing, the important thing is that i dont, and not for my soul she says, but for every other person whose waiting for a muslim to fall flat on his face. It doesnt matter what you say is in your heart if your actions show otherwise, if that were the case then fir’awn, when the walls of the sea came crushing down on him and he said ‘now i believe’, then today, he would be our brother in Islam, and when women walk around without scarves and the hijab and jilbaab covering their awrah (private parts) and they hit you with a ‘what is in my heart counts’, then you should tell them that, as the saying goes, the outer conditions of a persons life will ALWAYS be able to reflect their inner beliefs. And sometimes change starts on the outside, by doing what you MUST do even when you dont want to, that is why when the sahaba used to pray for a certain thng, it happened immediately, because when order were given, they followed without question.
Your situation is not special, not one in a million, it will not be the first time or the last that something exactly the same has happened, but after everything happdns, hearts are broken, trust is betrayd and respect is lost, then for every family member that cannot look the other in the the eye, you are a part of that, in it is your portion of sin and it is something that will take you to your grave and god forbid, something that continues long after your departure.
I am glad to have met people like you and the like, it is easier to see other peoples faults than it is to see your own, but in the people i meet i see what i want to become and what attribute will hopefully never reach me. There is nothing i enjoy more than observing, doing much else you cannot learn as much, i like to think i have ‘seen it all’, that there is no possible way a man can hurt his wife more, but then he springs back with a whole new bag of tricks. What i said in my last comment was probably not the best way to have gone, but growing up in a european society where to any european, what you described as your situation, is what i pictured when i wrote my comment. And if that is what every non-muslim sees when they look at your situation then that is a very sad state of affairs for all involved. I do not wish well for you or your ‘husband’ , to me you are like those school girls head over heels in love with the football captain and he’s like a dog in heat, milking every second as if its his last. And i dont care much for your feelings or your ‘dreams’, this is all part of my defects, that when someone does wrong and they try to teach and preach right, then my mind immediately shuts down, when something doesnt affect you heart it becomes more apparent than what one would like it to be. As i think one commentator has said, when advice is given, it should be given on par with the recipients level of iman(belief), i do not know your level of iman and therefore i feel it would be inappropriate for me to advise you, i can however as i have, mentioned to YOU how your situation looks to ME. Therefore i always think it better to stick with my off-beat sense of humor than to give advice that may or may not be misinterpreted, as ibemuslim gave you good advice, but what did you do with it? You ran to your ‘husband’ and used it there and to mend things no less.
As for your ‘mrs.2′ you are right, keep it. It is your right to be called whatever you want, although i have been taught that #2 is not second as MOST people presume, but infact, it is 1st looser
Lol salaam Ana, you are right! I should lay off, but only a bit. His late night snacks?, not so much, they’re not doing him much good!
Marcel
April 20th, 2010 on 6:11 PM
Marcel,
You are only 17??? Did I read that correctly…???? — I will not discuss this with ANY CHILD…you do not have enuff experience to discuss any of it and your perspective of your parents is still from a childs point of view. Unfortunately I quit reading your comments are “I am like any other 17 year old”….
I fear your parents both have to take responsibility for the anger and disappointment that you feel and you possibly won’t understand that until you are older…I have raised THREE children and all are older than you…so in this area I KNOW….
I will pray for your healing as any mother should…
@ Judith…not sure why you said that…but I think I have gotten some good advice here, and have received some of other peoples issues they are projecting.
My story is not what any of you think…The wife in my story is not anything like Ana or any other #1 that I have read about here…I understand and feel the pain ALL of you do b/c we are women and women that love a man…really doesn’t matter what order you came in…
Im not here to argue so I will digress at this point and enjoy reading as I first started out doing…some of you are a real inspiration and others really need to rely on Allah a little more and stop lip professing and hurling judgments because you are hurt…
ASA
Mrs. #2
April 20th, 2010 on 6:43 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Marcel. That was awesome!!!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 20th, 2010 on 10:39 PM
Mrs.2 , I tried to refrain from commenting on your comment to Marcel, but as you can see, I couldn’t. You said, “- I will not discuss this with ANY CHILD…you do not have enuff experience to discuss any of it and your perspective of your parents is still from a childs point of view. Unfortunately I quit reading your comments are “I am like any other 17 year old”….
Based on what we all have heard here from Marcel, he has plenty of firsthand knowledge and experience living polygamy over these many years and you have none, as you aren’t even married and have no experience with polygamy other than what you’ve read on blogs. You’re just beginning to learn about polygamy and you can’t have an open mind simply because you can’t see; you are blinded by desire. Regardless of what anyone says to you, like Marcel said, you won’t hear it.
Based on everything you’ve said it’s apparent you care nothing about anyone right about now except yourself. Much of what Marcel said was profound and it may behoove you to go back and finish reading it. Apparently Allah has given Marcel much wisdom for a young man the age that he is. It appears his mother has done a very good job at raising him, despite all the obstacles in her way. I don’t quite understand how you rationalize dismissing him by saying he’s speaking from a child’s point of view. The young man has lived polygamy and is living it every day.
You said, “I will pray for your healing as any mother should…” We all could use all the prayers that we can get. I’d suggest you do a whole heck of a lot of praying for yourself.
Having children yourself, you should know how to speak to a young adult without trying to belittle and demean him. It speaks volume of what type of person you are. I don’t care whether I seem way harsh!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 21st, 2010 on 8:13 AM
I disagree completely. Thank you for the information I received and may Allah continue to bless each and everyone of you…
As Salaam Alaikum.
Mrs. #2
April 21st, 2010 on 8:35 AM
salaam Ana
I do not care much for #2 comments, she doesn’t want help, she wants her desires to be fulfilled and in the process burdens everyone with her situation.
After reading it yesterday i felt this incredible overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement! I have no idea why! Then after she gave the 3 kids line i realized how blessed i am, my mums the one being hurt, not the one hurting everyone else. I read in a book that the authour said children inherit greatness from their mothers, which just added to my excitement. Then i looked at #2 and realized what a sorry excuse of a mother and muslim she is, she doesn’t feel my pain, my moms or any other families for that matter. Things affect people differently and we cant imagine what another persons pain would feel like. I now see what #2 ‘husband’ was talking about when he said he was going to fix her
. I gave my siblings the web address to this site, they’re enjoying it tremendously!
Ps. #2, my mum IS raising 6 and a half kids, has a job, deals with a pathetic excuse of a man as a husband not to mention an ACTUAL 2nd wife, comes home and cooks dinner and she’s not NEARLY as bitter and needy as YOU.
Enjoy your day
April 21st, 2010 on 8:44 AM
oi….wat healin u b speakn of? O_o
April 21st, 2010 on 12:15 PM
Marcel, you said:
“It doesnt matter what you say is in your heart if your actions show otherwise”
Here is something else I found during my Mormon polygamy readings, said by an anonymous stranger, which I printed out and put on my refrigerator to read every day:
“We judge ourselves by what is in our heart, we judge others by their actions.”
I think we are often so blinded by what is in our hearts, that we don’t see our actions as others see them. Once I said to a mentor in a moment of despair, when I was not much older than you, ‘how do I know what is in my house’. She said quite simply “try to get outside your house”.” Look back at your house, and see it as others see it.
April 21st, 2010 on 12:30 PM
Judith said, “Once I said to a mentor in a moment of despair, when I was not much older than you, ‘how do I know what is in my house’. She said quite simply “try to get outside your house”.” Look back at your house, and see it as others see it.”
Judith, that is heavy! I’m going to try to begin doing that today, God willing. Thank you, Judith.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 21st, 2010 on 1:05 PM
Hello Ann
Its a lovely blog you got going here, i really enjoy the topics. Its quite entertaining actually I don’t exactly know why
It really has helped me cope with the polygamy in my life, reading about every bodies experiences and such. It makes you realize that your situation ain’t all that bad once you look at it without the feeling of emotional burden.
Damn Marcel! You’re a lyrical GANSTA!
chasing all the little ‘ol ladies away! You better thank your lucky stars mum doesn’t read the blog!
Bye
April 21st, 2010 on 6:46 PM
Hi there Ed,
I’m glad you’ve found us, and have been enjoying the blog. It’s good to have you here and we’re especially glad you’ve commented. All of us commenting and sharing thoughts, feelings, and ideas are what keeps polygamy 411 live. I still think about what Judith said above and I crack up. She said, “I don’t think one has to be Muslim to know that this action is going to cause one person a great deal of pain”. I don’t think she meant it to be funny, but I laugh every time I think about it. It’s like duh, helloooo.
You’re right; reading about other’s experiences certainly helps us to see our own situation in a different light. Some of what I have read makes me say to myself – Ana, just SHUT UP! What I’m crying over is just little, stupid stuff, especially when I hear from the wonderful mums/moms with children that are holding it all together by the grace of God, and moving forward in their lives, living polygamy.
In order to stay on top of it all, we need to do as you mentioned, “look at it without the feeling of emotional burden.” That is not an easy thing to do. The last couple days feelings of extreme hatred and anger resurfaced regarding, you know who (Carolinah) – ummm I wonder why
…thank you Kelley. I thought I had conquered the feelings, but apparently they were just lying dormant.
Nonetheless, we’d like to hear more from you Ed. What’s your story??? Don’t be shy. We won’t beat up on you badly
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 21st, 2010 on 7:57 PM
Again, I’m made to remember what my best friend advised me. He said we can’t feel someone else’s pain; We can only feel our own. It was in line with what Marcel said. I know in feeling my own pain what someone else in a similar situation must be going through. I can empathize, but can’t feel his/her pain.
There are some people who WANT others to experience deep suffering and pain. We’ve been told when bad things happen to people, there are others who find joy in that person’s suffering and when good happens to someone, others feel badly; it makes them mad. In thinking about it, why would a subsequent wife care anything about how a first wife feels? Unless that woman is very, very close to Allah, she wants that first wife to suffer, suffer enough where the first wife would leave or the husband leaves and she (the subsequent wife) would have the husband all to herself.
Unless a polygamous marriage is built on the right foundation, destruction is always lerking at its door. There has to be singleness of purpose in polygamous marriages and that is all parties must be in it to serve Allah. The way my polygamous marriage is today, my husband Alex has two separate and distinct families. He has two wives and share two separate lives. There is no singleness of purpose to bring the marriages together. There is no tie that binds.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
April 22nd, 2010 on 10:22 AM
Hello Ana,
My fathers polygamous and i do not know where to begin, there’s no anger or hatred towards him, just annoyance and disgust. I don’t like having him around, don’t like him touching the household goods and furniture, and when he sits down at the dinner table i want to poke his eyes out or something. I think he’s completely hopeless in many fields and whenever i feel the need to tell him off i lose all interest, its almost as if i don’t care, which i’m worried about.
I hate his second wife, she’s such a tramp. I don’t know why she had to marry him and involves herself, whenever my dad looks at her it’s like she’s the most incredibly fxxxing woman – spray tan and all. He tries so hard to get us to like but she doesn’t want to and neither do we, whenever my fathers drags us kicking and screaming to her place (for some unknown reason), she treats us like illegitimate criminals, she watches our every move but the moment he steps foot in the room she’s offering us drinks.
My dad always yells at my mom because her car breaks drown or the house that’s constantly in a mess. But he doesn’t see that the reason the car is broken is because my mum keeps giving people lifts and the house thats always in a mess is such because there are constantly guests. The second wife doesn’t get that because her family doesn’t speak to her, don’t visit and they surely doesn’t ask to be driven around. She has this house that when you sit down you feel so out of place because of how proper that apartment is, its like being in a prison. You cant sink joyfully into the couches and watch a movie, its that horrible.
He annoys me so much that sometimes i find myself questioning his existence here on earth, he makes everyone miserable. The only happy time in our house are when he’s not around, he’s so unjust that i cannot fathom why my mother doesn’t give him the sack. She’s got a great job which just by the mere mention should be enough to realize what a hopeless fool he is. And the worst part is is that he doesn’t realize how much we actually hate him, he thinks he’s living la vida loca where he can have a comforting wife and family on one side and a concubine on the other.
To me there is no benefit – in my life, from polygamy. I have tried to see so much good in it and every time i come up empty. My mum during there monogamy never once found fault in him, she would always pamper him and if at 12:30 pm he felt like a cake she’d get up and make one. The moment he became polygamous all of that stopped, my mum continued to praise him in our presence but that too fell on deaf ears. Whenever we go vacationing we leave him behind and take my mums dad because then at least we have a real man among us.
Polygamy makes you see how much you don’t really need someone. My mum is more than capable of fixing a blocked drain and changing a tire, all this in a pair of blahniks manolos and then mr.hopeless comes woddlling along with a phone in hand asking for the number of the plumber. I suppose the only good thing that has come out of this is that he has successfully scarred 6 kids for life, and hopefully me nor my brother will turn out as he did.
Anyway thank you for letting me vent, im not really an open person and rarely do i get angry but i suppose it’s all just pent up anger.
Bye
April 22nd, 2010 on 11:36 AM
Ed,
I was moved by what I just read. I think Ana has really performed a service by making this blog available, and by being so civil and open minded.
I certainly have experienced what you just wrote myself, and there was and is no polygamy in my life. What brought me to this blog to begin with is a diffuse sense of injustice at having been treated like an item on a shopping list, weighed for worth, and interchangeable.
But I can tell you, that injustice of self, however painful it is, is a delusion of mind. And if you focus forward, seated right where you are, eventually a small crack of light will dawn. That little bit of light brings with it an experience of love and devotion, and it will help you with everything else. I know it.
June 16th, 2010 on 2:28 AM
Asalama aliekum.
From most of the posts that I have read, it seems none of the polygamous marriages have been successful , but rather full of pain.
It makes me wonder if the permission to marry up to 4 wives was meant for people like the sahaba , people who were near perfection in their religion.
It seems that people of this day and age are not able to practice it with a happy outcome.
I wonder if there is a happy polygamous marriage?
June 16th, 2010 on 2:52 PM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Ibrahim! Welcome to polygamy 411 and thank you much for commenting.
I too wonder if any happy polygamous marriages exist. Based on what I’ve been reading and my own personal experience, I’m doubtful. Although, I know there must be some happy polygamous marriages some place. It’s just that the parties participating in those Islamic marriages have to be “Believers” and you know what Allah SWT say about “Believers” – He said there are only going to be a few. We know there’s a difference between a Muslim and a “Believer.” They are not one and the same.
So, you said, “It makes me wonder if the permission to marry up to 4 wives was meant for people like the sahaba , people who were near perfection in their religion.” You may be right. Polygamy is definitely not for the masses, but for the few that are close to Allah SWT.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
July 13th, 2010 on 6:40 AM
God Bless You!
I am a hungarian man. I believe in plural marriage.
Polygyny is not sin.The polygamy equal with monogamy.
The sin, and perversion: homosexuality, lesbianism, paedophylia, abortion.
Polygamy is a very ancient practice found in many human societies. The Bible did not condemn polygamy. To the contrary, the Old Testament and Rabbinic writings frequently attest to the legality of polygamy.
My first wife is not believe in polygyny.
I plan the migration to USA or Canada for higher living standard and for plural marriage. I am looking for 2 or 3 pretty young (21-32 year) girls for BIG family.
If you want write me: ivanyister@gmail.com
July 13th, 2010 on 1:23 PM
Hi Huda
Im sorry you’re so down in the dumps.
Life’s good for me though, i just got back from South Africa, I went to see the final match in Johannesberg and some idiot tried to put a hat on the trophy 
they needed like ten guys to drag him off the field! You could probably watch it on youtube, its brilliant!
I hope you feel better soon, breaking things usually helps me which i guess is the equivalent of women shopping?
Get well soon!
December 21st, 2010 on 7:59 PM
Okhti correct me plz is this a datign site now looooool
March 22nd, 2011 on 8:07 AM
I just wanted to give some advice from my male perspective as I sense that some women have no clue on how to deal with men in such a way so as to get the best results.
Firstly, confrontation is the easiest way to turn a decent man silent and make him avoid the issues. An indecent man would probably give you a hiding, a decent man would withdraw. Woman have various charms and their best tools are the powers of manipulation. I have found myself agreeing to things on many occasions that I would not have agreed with outright just by the way my wife, and even my daughter go about asking for what they want.
Secondly, always let the man feel and think he is in charge, even if his not. The worse thing you can do is make a man feel his less of a man for whatever reason, whether true or untrue. It really bothers a real man when you unwittingly or consistently challenge his authority or position as head of his family.
Thirdly, don’t be self righteous in your approach to make your husband more religious. My wife wakes me up for Fajr but never tells me it is because of her that I’m always up for Fajr because that would annoy me.
I just want to point something else out also. I personally have studied Islam and am very interested in Islamic topics and discussions. My wife isn’t but I don’t expect her to be. As long as she is practicing her religion that’s fine. I have these Islamic discussions with my friends. However, because of my choices in life (to study Islam), I’m not wealthy and cannot afford to be polygamous as maintaining two households is simply out of my reach at the moment. My point is that, you aren’t often going to find very religious men, like myself, being in a financial position to be polygamous. Your kind of man in polygamy would have focused his life on a career and on money, hence he’ll be in a position to maintain several women. That is how things are in our time.
Aside from the fact that many of you women are in polygamous situations, I seriously don’t think you truly understand the real benefits and motives behind successful polygamous marriages. We can talk about that later Insha Allah
March 22nd, 2011 on 9:47 AM
Thank you so much brother Yaaseen for the post. I realized my husband always let me have the final say in almost anything concerning the house and children. He regarded me as someone capable, and he isn’t. He loves me alot and everyone can see that. I am like his “handbag”; he will bring me everywhere. I began to question myself – why ? why ? When he told me he married her sincerely, not because of what I assumed. It hurts terribly – he said there’s no right there’s no wrong – It’s not even a mistake. Allah wanted him to have a feel of polygamy and to make good for the life hereafter. He believes, and that is why even after 9 months he is still providing well for me and children, according to his means. He made me believe, that nothing is impossible if Allah decreed so.
March 27th, 2011 on 9:11 AM
Thank you for the good advice, Yaseen. Im in a new marriage-I want to refrain from the mistakes made in past marriage and I want to be a good wife for the man I married and love. I want to be a support for him in the way a wife should be as he is always holding me up in everything. I know that he has been telling me the same things in different (less direct) ways-trying to gently guide me in dealing with him Islamically and really, just as a good wife.
March 27th, 2011 on 10:20 AM
@ Nura, I am so glad to see you! How did your appointment go (wasn’t it on the 22nd)?
@ Brother Yaseen, I would really like for you to tell us (or me especially) the benefits and joys of a poly marriage. Sometimes it feels getting your heart ripped out of your chest while it is still beating. Sorry, just being honest. I would like to know where I can find joy in feeling that.
March 27th, 2011 on 10:21 AM
@ Brother Yaseen, I promise if you tell me, I will print it out and keep it with my Qu’ran and read your words every day to bring peace.
March 27th, 2011 on 12:19 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum, Nura!
I’m glad to see you, too!!! I missed you much. You helped educate me about life in other countries
I hope all went well with your appointment, too. I had marked the date on my calendar.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 28th, 2011 on 3:58 AM
Because of glitches with the legal marriage, we decided to wait on the appointment. Today we are going to the Egyptian embassy. Egypt is fine with us marrying, so tomorrow should be the day, we have gotten everything clear with the embassy so far as this is concerned, after a couple of visits earlier in the week.
The marriage judge here in Qatar is a (ok, the word the Qatari’s have used repeatedly for this guy is “donkey”
bit cautious because ex works, indirectly, with the US govt and the Qatari govt. They are afraid there is potential for an international incident or something. So, they are making us jump through yet MORE hoops in this regard. So, we are going to be married according to Egyptian law-which will simplify other paperwork later, one would hope. My husband tells me that “one” is nuts if “one” thinks anything done in Egypt will be simple
So far, so good. Great title, don’t you think? Actually, I spent every SINGLE day last week dealing with Qatari courts. Eventually it led to tears and 3 points against my licence for parking on a sidewalk (HEY, there isn’t anywhere else to park!!! AND the landcruiser next to me didn’t get one, which I think is blatant discrimination.) I took the entire week off. My friends thought I was honeymooning
HAH, I would have had a lot more free time if I had been working every day. I did make friends with a nice girl at the foreign ministry and the US embassy though. I love this place except when I hate it
N.
March 28th, 2011 on 5:34 AM
Assalaamu allaykum Ladies
I really think that what sometimes makes marriages unhappy, (any marriages, polygamous or monogamous) is a total and utter focus on the marriage itself.
Marriage isn’t all that we live for, though it is the corner stone of an Islamic society. The business of marriage is part of life’s journey, not the reason why we live. As Mulimoon we have to live for Allah and we have to indulge in remembering Him often.
The sweetness of His Thikr is sweeter than the bonds of your marriages. as He says, that Indeed in the remembrance of Allah to hearts find contentment”
The Prophet (S.A.W) “You are not a true believer unless you love for your brother what you love for yourself” This you should remember when it comes to your sisters in Islam and even your sisters who aren’t Muslim. If you know your husband is a good man, and that perhaps, your co wife also loves him as you love him, and that he also loves them and has to deal fairly with them in order for him to also reach Paradise (Jannah) then you should try and make it easy for him and not difficult. Do you love your husbands enough to want Jannah for them? Do you love your sisters enough to want Jannah for them also? Do you want Jannah for yourself?
Be better than hateful towards your sister wives because the chances that they will also be hateful towards you are equally great. Which wife do you think is more preferred to your husband, the one that is continuously complaining and being hateful, or the one with whom he finds peace and tranquility? Be the peaceful one, and perhaps the other wives will learn to be peaceful, even if out of mere competition.
Remember, live your life for God, not for anyone else, and be dutiful toward Him and in fulfilling the rights that He has prescribed towards Himself and all of His creation, including your husbands and his other wives. Respect that just has you have rights over your husband so does his other wives. Respect also, that just has he has responsibilities to fulfill regarding you so does his other wives have similar needs.
And Allah knows best.
March 28th, 2011 on 11:56 AM
Brother Mohummud Yaaseen, I hope you don’t mind that I took the liberty to make your comment into a post. http://polygamy411.com/2011/03/28/do-we-live-for-god-or-for-a-marriage/ I thought it could be helpful to each and every one of us.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
March 28th, 2011 on 12:25 PM
Nura, I’m glad you’re making progress although slowly, but surely. It appears Allah is just testing your reported mettle, of which Alex says I have none
I truly see the purpose of having a marriage publicized and recognized. The three way between my wakeel, Alex and me caused me to see clearly how important it is. My wakeel advised Alex that no one knew of his marriage, which is is why no one is respecting it. We know his family, my family, his ex-wife and her family (he raised her children and still communicate with them and the grandchildren) and I weren’t invited. My wakeel advised Alex that he should have invited me whether I attended or not. I should have been privy to attend even if it was from afar, sitting somewhere with binoculars, watching from a distance. Then we all would have known they were married and have no choice but to accept and respect it as such.
To be honest with you all, I’m glad that didn’t happen. I think it would have totally destroyed me. It may have sent me completely over the edge and landed me on the psychiatric ward of a hospital
When will I begin to be grateful for the way things are???
Anyway, Nura, I’m extremely happy for you. You go girl!!!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.