A Wife’s Sad Day in Polygamy
by ana on May.19, 2009, under my story today
I am sure all wives in polygamy have sad days. Today was a sad day in polygamy for me, a wife in polygamy. I’ve done very well for a pretty long time. It was bound to happen that sooner than later I’d begin to feel down. That is how I woke up today feeling. I know the reason.
My husband Alex has been out of the State on a business trip since Monday (today is Friday – just to give a timeline). He was with me for three days before he left for business. He returned today, and will be with Carolinah this evening, for three days. I was sad because he would be with her instead of me. The schedule had always worked in the past that he’d leave me and go away on business, and would come back to me. You know; he’d be with me the day before the business trip and I’d still have two days left with him upon his return (our schedule is three days with me and then three days with her).
The thought of Alex going “home” to Carolinah this evening was constantly on my mind. (I’m getting better, as I was able to call her place “home”.) Yes! I thought about the intimacy part; the two of them being reunited in sexual bliss. I kept fighting the thoughts, remembering Allah (SWT). It was an intense battle going on in my head I had determination to win over Satan, though.
I knew Alex would call me when his plane landed. I had decided I wouldn’t answer. Yep…I’d ruin his weekend with Carolinah when he was unable to reach me. And then my home telephone rang. I checked Caller ID and it was Alex. I wanted badly to answer, but I didn’t. Then he called my cell phone. I didn’t answer. He called my home phone again. I didn’t answer. I began to feel very badly. How could I intentionally want to hurt Alex that way? Had something happened to him and he was trying to reach me? He called my cell phone again. This was his fourth attempt. I answered.
Alex said he was back. His plane had landed. I had really missed him, and wanted him to come home. I held back tears and was very strong. I didn’t say the mushy stuff that I felt like: “I missed you and I wish you were coming home. I love you” blah, blah, blah. He said he was going to his mother’s home to check on her. I sensed he wanted me to say I’d go there, as well, so he could see me. I wanted to tell him that I’d go there. I knew that wasn’t the thing to do. So, I refrained. He said he’d be home very early on Monday, as he’d have the day off from work. I got off the phone quickly as I was becoming very emotional and I didn’t want him to know it.
Once I hung up, I kept fighting. I was battling with thoughts and with the need to breakdown and cry. I couldn’t reach my best friend. I kept remembering what my Egyptian friend, Abdul, had always repeatedly advised me. He said, “Make yourself busy. You have to keep yourself busy. Don’t think too much.” I got dressed and went to the Mall. I kept remembering Allah (SWT). I’m happy now!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
July 24th, 2009 on 11:08 PM
What is the reason for not living together? I think sometimes undo strain is placed on the relationships by this arbitrary and artificial separation.
July 25th, 2009 on 12:24 AM
The Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives, each of them, had their own, separate dwelling. Islam is a way of life. Muslims follow the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). That is all I’m going to say on the subject. This blog is not about whether the wives should live together in polygamy or not. The question is not open for discussion.
Thank you for commenting!
July 25th, 2009 on 12:44 AM
Idnapper, you may have become confused by reading the comments on the blog. Many of the visitors here are non-Muslims. Everyone is welcomed(Please read “Posting Comments” for the rules). Some of the vistors are in plural, polygamous, polygnous (Is that the right spelling?) marriages and live together. Sorry for the confusion!
July 25th, 2009 on 8:30 AM
Ana, I was sad right along with you reading your post – although I am sure that doesn’t help you much! But once again you did yourself proud!
It was the good thing to do to answer the phone and not make him worry about you! Keep yourself busy and in no time he will be with you again!
I am seeing so much positive growth in you. I love your honesty and the comments show that you are really helping others with this blog! You are showing how it is in real life with real challenges, emotions – both ups and downs, and successes and failures! Keep up the good work!
Take care Ana!
July 25th, 2009 on 12:30 PM
I agree with CM. It is apparent, Ana, that you are helping others with this blog. When we first start struggling with something, it is all we can do to hold our head above water. But when we realize that we can swim, it means a lot to know that we are doing more than staying alive, we are also helping others, and that means a lot, at least it would and does for me.
July 25th, 2009 on 8:12 PM
CM and Judith, thank you both for your encouraging words and kindness. I thank you both for being here for me. Like you said, I have come a long way from the complete mess that I was when we first started communicating. I truly feel the progress and I am grateful you were and are here to listen and talk with me. Your concern, comments, and feedback are what help inspire others, foster growth and gives us all hope that everything will get better, knowing we’re here for one another. Thank you for being talkers
I thank all the visitors, readers, friends, and family that continue to travel with all of us on our journey…
ana
July 26th, 2009 on 12:58 AM
Abdul Karim, As Salaamu Alaikum!
I feel we chased you away, we meaning me too. We got off to a very rough start. I apologize.
I made a post when the blog first began “Men that Live Polygamy.” I and others probably have some questions for you, as you actually live polygamy. You are welcomed here. Insha Allah, we could learn a lot from you about living polygamy and you could learn a lot from us.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
ana
July 26th, 2009 on 6:03 AM
{{Ana}} <– a hug for you
July 26th, 2009 on 1:27 PM
Donald, thank you. It was really nice to wakeup to a hug. Hugs always makes me feel better. Hug to you as well and a happy day!
July 26th, 2009 on 5:24 PM
Ana,
It has been enlightening reading your blog. But I cannot be as selfish as to think you helping me understand what polygamy can be, is more important than your pain. I see how sharing your experience eases your pain. But the pain is there and my learning is not more important that “it.” You don’t have to go through this. The Prophet visited all his wives every day, according to Aisha. And did everything with them except he gave his seed to the one whose day it was. Remember, they all had their quarters but they were in the same compound, and he had access to them when he wanted. Lovingly..
This world of yours is not first loving and giving. It is first manipulative and rationed. It reminds me of scarcity, selfishness, smallness. On the part of all three of you for your own reasons. I don’t think I could do what you do. But I do believe that instead of spending the rest of your life competing against a woman you don’t even know, for the scarce and limited love of this man who believes he can emulate the Prophet but falls quite short of it, is a dire waste of your precious life. Does he have so much money? Is he essential for your survival? Which is it, Ana?
With much love,
Anna
July 26th, 2009 on 8:17 PM
Anna, I am happy you enjoyed reading the blog. Having all of you to talk with has helped ease much of the pain that I feel. Knowing you care makes a difference.
My life living polygamy reminds me nothing of what I have read about the life the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH); the life that he shared with his wives. I’ve tried to thoroughly explain to Alex that he could see and speak with me whenever he wants to, even daily. He’s just not having it. He’s so regimented. He thinks the way that he’s doing it is just and fair.
In a number of posts “Why I stay”, “Choice the Illusion”, “Can We Avoid Our Fate”, I wrote about why I stay. (There’s just so much to read here-over 100 posts). I recommend you read UmmUmarNY’s recent comment on “Polygamous Wives-Are They Friends.” She “succinctly” (Judith’s word) sumed up one of the reasons I don’t leave. She explained it nicely. Other reasons I stay is because I like my lifestyle; I have all the creature comforts; I know Alex better now than I did before he married Carolinah; I like the intimate times we have together and I love him. Other reasons are I don’t want to start over with someone new and, of Course, I don’t want Carolinah to be first and only wife. Let’s not leave out-I refuse to give up my marriage license without a fight. It has value to me.
Do you think I should leave him because of my pain? Can we avoid pain in life?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
July 27th, 2009 on 1:27 AM
I was saddened to hear he wasn’t going to be with you for a few more days. I’m not as familiar with Islam as I’d like (though I have read a little about it over the years). I wondered why he didn’t come back and spend time with all of you instead of spending time with just one wife for a few days? Is that not allowed?
What I mean is does Islam allow for wives to interact or do you all remain separate?
I was thinking something like the movie “Big Love” where the husband spends a meal or some time together with all the family after work. So they all could interact together.
I can see where this would be difficult. I’m not living polygamy myself however I would think all the wives feelings and needs should be considered here. Just a thought.
July 27th, 2009 on 11:04 AM
Salaams Ana,Maashallah you are so strong!I wish I could hug you now, and we could sit and talk and cry and laugh.
The hardest part about polygyny,I think,…is when I’m alone and he is wth her.If he was alone too,like for work or anything else i wouldn’t have taken it so hard,but the fact that he’s enjoying himself and i am all lonely and sad really is so hard.
I was so desperate not to be without him that i even considered asking hub if we should all live in the same house.Phew!…I’m glad i did’nt.Seeing them being all love dovey or just smiling with each other would be far worse.
But reading your blog has made me kinda become a big girl about it.I realised,as much as i love him,and i do love him sooooo much,i was making too much of him and forgetting about Putting ALLAH first, and last but not least…ME!
Keep well ,Wassalaam.
July 27th, 2009 on 4:03 PM
u234sentinel, I thank you for joining us. I’m glad you are here sharing some thoughts. To answer your question, yes, it was Okay for Alex to spend some time with me when he returned from his business trip although he was schedule to sleep at his other wife’s (Carolinah’s) home that night. Alex has decided how he’d like to communicate with her and me, what he believes to be just and fair. So I go with it. Islam allows wives to interact. Another commenter “Anna” previously commented and mentioned the following: “The Prophet visited all his wives every day, according to Aisha. And did everything with them except he gave his seed to the one whose day it was. Remember, they all had their quarters but they were in the same compound, and he had access to them when he wanted. Lovingly…” I hope this help shed a bit more light on it for you and I thank “Anna” again.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
July 28th, 2009 on 3:06 PM
Bilqees, As Salaamu Alaikum, I thank Allah for the help of all of you. I have gathered so much strength from everyone that I have met here.
I was thinking about you last night when Alex was here. You previously said you find yourself not arguing as much with your husband and you are enjoying your time with him more. Throughout the night, I kept receiving whispers from Satan, pushing me to say negative things to Alex or to ask him something to start an argument. I kept remembering Allah. I kept pushing the thoughts away and focused. I remembered what you had said about not giving in to the desire to argue. My night with Alex was peaceful and nice.
Winning the battles with Satan is key, especially on those lonely and sad nights when hubbies are with their other wives.
I truly believe when we turn our attention away from everything else and towards Allah, Allah turns everything good towards us!
Keep well, Wassalaam!
July 28th, 2009 on 9:40 PM
Your post here made me very sad for another reason. That you are still in competition mode, like college dating. You play games with the phone, are judicious with your affection and keep yourself busy to keep your mind off him. Remember that book “The Rules”? It sounds like you are still living by that, but the goal there was supposed to be getting married. Here you’re married, but you still haven’t reached the goal. There is something to be said for being secure enough in a relationship that you can call as often as you want and say “I love you” as much as you want without being worried you’ll come off as desperate, or you’ll lose some upper hand. You could say that is more “exciting” this way, you never take him for granted, but it also sounds really exhausting.
August 10th, 2009 on 2:47 PM
Help me please, I have met a wonderful man that I want to marry. He is divorced with 3 children. His ex-mother in law who was the cause of his divorce due to her interferance have approached his dad with the idea of reconcilation. In his culture is disrespectful to dismiss the recomendations of the community . His family wants him re-marry his first wife and make me the 2nd wife. I have objected to this, as I have never been married and I don’t want to share my husband with another wife. He is so confused because if he chooses me he looses his family, if he chooses his ex-wife then he loose me. While I want him to choose me, I don’t want him to loose his family. I love him so much and I don’t want to loose him but it seems this is the only solution to a very complicated issue.
August 10th, 2009 on 11:14 PM
Shanah, it seems the man that you want to marry is the one that has the difficult decision and complicated life. He’s the one that must decide whether he wants to remarry his ex-wife and take you as a second or be disrespectful by dismissing the recommendations of the community and make you his first wife.
If he decides to remarry his ex-wife and make you second, could you live with him and love him being second? I know you must have some emotional attachment to him at this time, but think about the road you are about to travel by being second wife.
Could you walk away from him and wait patiently for someone else; could you accept being second wife; could you accept being first wife and live with your husband being scorned and ridiculed? Just some questions tossing about.
May you make the best decision for you.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 11th, 2009 on 8:43 AM
Ana I appreciate the advise. To answer your question no, I could not live being the second wife my jealousy would ruin our marriage from the start. He and I had already discussed this scenario hypothetically several months before this issue. I am aware of my shortcoming up front and I know I could not handle sharing my husband at all. However, the decison he has to make is a very difficult and heartwrenching decison. I never wanted him to have to choose between his family and I but that’s the way it has turned out. I love him so much, I cannot see my life without him. He is a pious, humble and compassionate brother. He is everything that we (my 2 daughters) need. I don’t want to have to wait for someone else because I know that I have found my soulmate, it is pure love. One that I have never felt before. I am praying that time heals the wounds between he and his family. He would be moving to another country to be with me and bringing his daughters over to live with us and we have both agreed to embrace each others daughters as our own. However, I hope that if he chooses me he won’t eventually grow to resent me. Should I just walk away and allow him to make his decision in peace? Please all advise is needed.
August 12th, 2009 on 10:12 AM
As salaamu alaikum Ana.
Now that was a victory story! Personally, I would have gone ahead and told him I missed him and loved him. Those things just strengthen the bonds and keep the relationship strong. It’s not inappropriate to make your husband feel wanted and loved. However, that you finally kicked shaytaan in the teeth and answered the phone…that you got through it and went to the mall – excellent stuff! All thanks is to Allah.
Love n stuff,
Mai
July 15th, 2010 on 11:27 AM
A commentator wrote a comment that I could not publish due to inappropriate content. My email reply to her failed due me having an invalid email address for her. Hopefully she will read here again and find my reply which was:
“I am unable to post your comment simply because it bashes a religion. Anyone posting comments at polygamy 411 must respect each other’s religion. If you’d like to re-phrase your comment and express your feelings about POLYGAMY in a respectful way, I will review it and condsider posting it. Posting your comment as is would only open the door for more people to bash and trash each other’s religion, which is not what polygamy 411 is about. You’re welcome to kindly express your beliefs, ideas, opinion etc about POLYGAMY!
Thank you for reading the blog”
To everybody, I hate to sound like a broken record, but there are some comments that are being submitted that polygamy 411 will not post, if they are blatantly disrespectful, have inappropriate content or the information should be directed to me on the “Contact Form” (personal attacks against me that has nothing to do with the subject matter, polygamy).
I encourage everyone here to respect everyone’s religion or lack of. We can respectfully agree to disagree about polygamy. Attacking anyone’s religion will not be tolerated here.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.