Polygamous Marriage and Business – Is it a Problem?
by ana on May.21, 2009, under my story today
I am in a polygamous marriage, and have a dilemma. The problem has to do with business. I have decided to start my own. Now, I must decide whether to make my husband Alex my partner. The business would be based on years of experience and expertise that I have from working in a particular field for many, many years. Considering the years of experience and my expertise, I envision the business will be successful.
Starting a business and being polygamous is the problem. Where does my husband Alex fit in? Should I make him my partner or not? He would be very good for the business and I see many, many benefits in him being my partner. He has a good sense of business and a knack for managing finances. On the other hand, there is Carolinah (his other wife.)
Alex’s “marriage” to Carolinah presents a problem. Why? Do I really want to help Alex take care of another woman (Carolinah), her house, her property, and her children, anymore than I already am? I keep harping on the fact that Alex spends half our marital monies on all the above already. Do I want to make Alex’s life easier so he could make Carolinah’s life easier and more comfortable as well? What happens if I die before Alex? Do I really want to set him up so he could walk away with a business that we built so he could live happily ever after with Carolinah? Do I want to make Alex a legal partner in my business so he could walk away with part of it, if we divorce?
The more I contemplate my polygamous marriage and a business with Alex, the more I think I don’t want his name legally on anything belonging to me at this stage of my polygamous life. If it becomes time for me to rock and roll (leave my marriage) and divorce Alex, I don’t need any new created thing to hold me back. There are huge benefits in making Alex my partner, but there are huge risks as well.
It’s exciting and confusing at the same time to start a business. There are countless details to discuss and decisions to make. A polygamous marriage adds to the number of details that one must be consider when starting a business. To decide whether to make my husband Alex a partner was a no brainer when we were monogamous…not anymore, not while being polygamous
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
August 11th, 2009 on 10:49 PM
Do Alex and Carolinah share any children? This is the first time I remember you mentioning any children at all. Just curious because I could see that as being a factor in the business aspect also.
August 11th, 2009 on 11:28 PM
Hi Anna! I love your blog and I have commented once before. I was glad you were so willing to answer questions from someone who is merely inquisitive. As I said in my last blog post, I am not polygamous and I am not muslim. Just fascinated by your strength and your willingness to share intimate insight into your struggles, especially for all the women who are being given support through your blog in what could otherwise be a very lonely time.
This post invoked a response from me this time instead of questions. But, as I said last time, I respect that I am not in your shoes and only an observer so please don’t think I am judging. As I have been reading your blog and rooting for you (either to attain the acceptance for which you ask or find a different path or just the strength to carry on, I’m rooting for you!), I see from this post that you are in fact moving forward in your life, doing for yourself, and assessing what this marriage brings to your life. Of course there has always been more to you than just your posts, but many of your posts have been nostalgic and probing, at times resentful. It is so powerful to hear you say what it is you will do tomorrow (figuratively speaking)!
Please don’t make Alex a partner! Good for you that you have looked into what protections you have for yourself. I encourage any person (woman, man, polygamous or not) to always know where they stand in the bigger picture; that is just being smart.I think you already realize that making him a partner means bringing him into this independent part of your life. And him, with an entire other household from which he keeps you at bay. He could be an executive type employee of yours, or you could just keep him out altogether, since being his employer could be problematic in its own right. Would he even be able to spend work hours with you on Carolina’s days? Only Allah (if you don’t mind me making the reference) knows what will happen for you and Alex in the future, but separating out from a business is much harder than separating out from a marriage! Your income will support your household which is half of Alex’s households anyway. Do this yourself, Anna. Alex has his own life, you should to! Maybe this will help you understand Alex’s independence from you some, if that is what is meant to be. But, bringing Alex in means giving him half of something that should be all yours like his life with Carolina is to him. Also, don’t you think he takes for granted knowing what you are up to all day? He should wonder and you have been forced to do. If wants into your life, he should work for it, not be given the books on a silver platter.
Good Luck Ana! Again, thanks for doing this blog, and I am just a supporter but I know there is so much more to your story than this website, so I only comment on what you have posted and I can never know the whole picture. I just don’t want you to think I think I know what’s best. But, I felt compelled to chime in! By the way, I follow you on twitter and that is how I know when you put up new posts. Thanks for the updates!
August 12th, 2009 on 9:38 AM
Hello Ana,
Thank you very much for your reply to me the other day. It made me feel a lot better, as I have been distressed about how I seem to come across. I want to get back to you on it, because there are some things I would like to say to you. But then this morning I opened your blog to write back to you, and there was your incredible post, and Amanda’s response. I cannot add anything to what she has just said, except to remind you that if you want to add Alex as a legal partner sometime in the future, you can. This enterprise is your thing. Do it.
August 12th, 2009 on 12:58 PM
Krystelle, No. Carolinah and Alex don’t have any childen together. She has a couple of children (one older teenager and one child in the twenties) from a previous relationship(s). Carolinah is unable to have anymore children so I don’t have to concern myself about Alex fathering one with her. I thank Allah much for that!
August 12th, 2009 on 2:11 PM
Hi Amanda, your comment deserves a standing ovation. Bravo and many, many accolades to you! The blog should not be center stage. You should be center stage, as the blog is only an extension of individuals like you.
Your comments and questions are always welcomed Amanda. This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 12th, 2009 on 8:30 PM
Hi Ana,
I am another non-polygamous, non-Muslim woman who loves reading your blog. It might seem strange considering our lives are so different but I find your observations about how you live within your marriage has provided me with better ways of dealing with frustrations within my own. Especially the importance of not looking to our husband’s to fulfill all our needs but recognizing that only God can provide us with perfect happiness and fulfillment (I’m a Christian).
Would it be possible to hire Alex as a consultant to your business? You would still have the advantage of his expertise but he and Carolinah would have no other claim to your business. Just a thought.
Best wishes for your new venture – Bek.
August 12th, 2009 on 9:31 PM
As salaamu aalaykum Ana.
Amanda’s response is beyond awesome mashaallah. About your question. NO, Do not bring Alex in as a partner as it can and most likely WILL create headaches for both you and Carolinah. She might feel that the days he is working with you should count as your days. Or she might demand more money or a number of things. I think it is a slippery slope to no good for you. I think it would be nice for you to achieve things outside of your marriage and Carolinah.
I second Bek, would it be possible to hire him as a consultant? Also if you don’t want to make him a partner (and I am no legal expert) you have to have him sign a contract stating that he is not part of the business. Because (God forbid) your marriage needs to be dissolved under our law (I think you are in the tristate area or at least in the USA) he takes 50% of your biz and you 50% of whatever he owns. When my mom divorced my stepdad they both agreed in writing that he would leave her factory alone if she left the house to him. Things may have changed since but he was entitled to her business just by being married to her even he didn’t actually work or helped in any way to get it started or make it successful.
I was also told that if you make more money then him he might be entitled to alimony from you as you would be if it was reverse.
(Out of curiosity and you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to) How are you positive she can’t have children?
August 12th, 2009 on 9:36 PM
Hi Bek,
I’m so glad you are here! I think many times exclusion is very limiting. Our friend Donald made me aware of that when the blog first began. He’s Christian too. I think exclusion often fosters arrogance (That just crossed my mine.) I’m learning so much from everyone and I think we often have good times and laughs too.
A “consultant”-that’s an excellent thought. Thank you Bek for sharing your thoughts with me and with all of us. I intend to put that (consultant) out on the table.
I’m happy you’re enjoying the blog. As I said to Amanda earlier,the blog would be nothing without individuals like you.
You are very much welcomed here. This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 12th, 2009 on 10:06 PM
Umm Ibraheem, As Salaamu Alaikum, “awesome” was the word I was looking for, referencing Amanda. I just couldn’t find it lol. And the nightmare begins again with the scheduling. Umm, did you have to remind me? That was no where on my mind. But you are absolutely right. I just had moments of distress thinking about it. That hurts.
I definitely intend to sit down with an attorney again and discuss the details of the business. I think things have changed a bit recently. I spoke with the divorce attorney about the business (I was already involved in a minor business when I spoke with the divorce attorney approx. one year ago.) The attorney said Alex wouldn’t be entiltled to anything from a business of mine, if his name wasn’t on it. Regarding, alimony-that’s squashed. I don’t work anymore and I have no income from a job (I have some money that he can’t touch, yes. Income-no.) I’ve never taken care of him either. He wouldn’t be able to get alimony even if I were working, as he’s taking care of two households. My sister’s ex-husband got alimony. He only worked part-time. She made more money than he and she had taken care of his every need, materially. She has two kids by him and he still got alimony.
About Carolinah not being able to have anymore children, the thought of her having a child by Alex hurt my heart so badly. His ex-wife and I discussed the possiblility that Carolinah might get pregnant. I expressed my concern with Alex. He explained why it wouldn’t happen, as it couldn’t. Carolinah never responded or denied it as being true, after receiving one of my nasty texts messages to her. I can’t in good conscience reveal any details about something so personal to her to anyone else, although you don’t know her. To do so, I think would be terribly wrong.
Umm Ibraheem, you just don’t know how much I appreciate you bringing the schedule thing to my attention. Big hug for you!
August 12th, 2009 on 10:34 PM
As salaamu alaikum Ana and Umm Ibraheem.
Just for information, scheduling counts for the nights. Days are simply time to go about his business, wherever that may be. He could visit both wives during the day if he so chose, or even spend part of the day with the other wife. It has no bearing on the time division. The time division is counted as the nights he spends with each of you. In the event that he works with you Ana, this would simply be his day at work – nothing more, nothing less. It does not affect scheduling. If it is your night, then at whatever time he usually would turn up, he should turn up at your home for his time with you. If it is Carolinah’s night, he will go there. So, as for scheduling…insha’Allah, there should not be any issue at all.
August 12th, 2009 on 11:32 PM
Mai, As Salaamu Alaikum, Alex needs to hear that from you. But even then, I don’t think he’ll get it. He’s the one that can’t get it through his thick head (May Allah forgive me) how it works. I’ve explained it to him like he’s a 2 year old. He’s not hearing it. HE IS NOT HEARING IT!!!
August 13th, 2009 on 3:48 AM
Well islamically any moneyt hat you make yourself is yours and he has no right to give any of it to her unless you give the ok. With that said, no I don’t think he should be partner maybe down the line if you choose to include him then ok…you could even hire him as an employee but as far as partner no…..
August 14th, 2009 on 8:52 AM
Ana,
Im so glad that you are venturing into your own business, pursuing your own project. I must say I did wonder what your other interests were apart from Alex and Carolina (Marshaallah you seem very bright and intelligent). I think you should do this alone but yes, hire him as a Consultant and use his credentials (im sure you can get a reduced rate too!). Ive not walked in your shoes (yet) but I think that it is important to have your own stuff going on and there is no way on earth that Carolinah should have any part of this in any way or form, unless ofcourse by some miracle on Allah’s magnificent earth the two of you become friendly and you hire her to do the paperwork or something!
August 15th, 2009 on 7:55 PM
Ana,
Do not make him a partner in your business venture. You should not have to contribute to Carolina’s household.
You were not even consulted about her addition to your family. You owe Carolina nothing. Good luck in your business ventures.
August 15th, 2009 on 9:08 PM
Chatelaine, thank you for your well wishes. I’m leaning towards making Alex an Executitve employee or consultant. I’m glad you encouraged me not to make that bad business decision and make him partner. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I want him to be a part of everything I do. But, I know making him partner wouldn’t be wise. I needed to here what you said. Thank you again!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 16th, 2009 on 9:34 AM
Seems like you already have plenty of good advice here Ana, so I won’t add anything… apart to say thanks for mentioning me!
Don
August 20th, 2009 on 1:32 AM
wa alaykum as salaam,
@ Mai I understand that but from the schedule fiasco in Ana’s other posts I was under the impression that Alex took the word day to mean an actual day with 24 hrs in it. So I felt that since that was HIS understanding and carolinah gets her information from him, she would demand that those days count towards Ana.
or Ana could get accused of trying to steal time from her or a number of things. So that is why I brought up the schedule as it was a huge thorn on Ana’s side. But jazakAllah khayr for correcting us so that others could understand the difference between what is in Islam and what is being practiced. Sometimes the two don’t add up and we don’t clarify.
wa salaam
September 27th, 2009 on 2:12 PM
Ahem…
Wondering what state you live in?
I am not an attorney, but I believe that in most states, whatever you do or he does, belongs to the other by 50%, by law. Whether or not their name is on it. Community property. So even if this business is in your name, he probably has rights to half of it at time of divorce.
I am divorced, and had to pay a lot, even though the business was one I had started for years before the marriage even took place. The lawyers went by the increase in value and revenues of the business, which was considered community property. OUCH! (multiple layers of insult over injury)
So you might have a nasty surprise ahead of you one day. On the other hand, he might be unlikely to complain, since his 2nd marriage would be brought to light under such circumstances.
If he loves you (and I believe he does, more than ever now) he will help you anyway, with advice and input.
Good luck!