Polygamy 411

Amanda
August 18th, 2009 on 1:56 AM

I’m not clear on what you think the difference is. I mean, are you really relying on semantics to justify whether your marriage is ok? I think it makes itself justifiable if it fits under a banner that is in the Quran, but then you wonder if it is a wolf in sheeps’ clothing trying to infiltrate what you know to be good. Ana, if it kills a piece of you everyday and makes you miserable, its probably from Satan (i’m sorry, I don’t know the muslim equivalent). Sometimes we just know when something is wrong and we need to trust those instincts. Even if she is a polygamous wife, is it really ok? I mean for what your destiny is, not other people. And Ana, this is all Alex’s fault, it has never been Carolina’s fault. For as miserable as this has made you, she has it much much worse. That too is Alex’s fault. Maybe polygamy is uplifting and empowering if it is gone about the right way, but in your case is it uplifting and empowering? But really Ana, Carolina is in this too deep, she probably can’t even see the light of day and she has no legal recourse. I’m rooting for you but I am somewhat scared for her. Do we really need to go and make her a slut also??

Ana
August 18th, 2009 on 7:30 PM

Hi Amanda,I was thinking about what you said about semantics and I began questioning myself about why I was spending so much time trying to define Alex and Carolinah’s relationship. Whatever it is they have going on, they’ll be accountable anyhow and it’s their “path”, as you said. I will be accountable for mine, as well. I guess it’s just the principal of it all; It just feels “instinctively” wrong and un-Islamic-what’s going on with them. Your words, “Wolf in sheeps’ clothing infiltrating” seems a good description.

All my investigation reveals Islam is not a focal point for Carolinah; Alex is her only focus. We’re supposed to “investigate” in Islam, not just take a person’s word. Today I texted her “As Salaamu Alaikum” and she couldn’t even say that back to me. Even if she has extreme hatred for me, in Islam one is supposed to return a greeting or give one better.

I’m sorry…it just seems like Alex and Carolinah’s relationship is a cover up for an affair with vows taken over it “Shahadah” to justify the affair and prevent me (Alex’s legal wife) from forbidding it. If I’m a Muslim wanting to be a “Believer,” I can’t deny Alex his right to be polygamous. An affair in Islam is totally wrong. I have to ask when it comes to Carolinah-where is the Islam?

Amanda you must realize how difficult polygamy is for many woman to accept in Islam. How could polygamy be the first thing Carolinah accepted and she can’t even give a basic greeting “As Salaamu Alaikum?” I communicated with her right after Alex left on business for a year and “As “Salaamu Alaikum” wasn’t in her vocabulary and she was Muslim a year at the time. It was an Islamic Holiday an “Eid” and when I mentioned I was leaving work early for the holiday, it was like “holiday” flew right over her head. She didn’t even know what I was talking about.

I just have to say; something is seriously wrong with the picture.

Oh, Amanda, I wasn’t trying to make her a “slut”. She told me she was one out her own mouth. She told me she slept with Alex when I was married to him and she was not married to him. Figure that one out. Who openly admits to something horendous like that as a Muslim woman? The woman told me that was a “slut”.

ummabdur-rahmaan
August 19th, 2009 on 3:02 AM

I think you should also leave the islam issue to Allah. Only Allah knows what is in someones heart. You may think it is a coverup but how much do you actually know. I mean like really really know. I see that all you have to base your theorys on is what Alex tells you and the assumptions you made from past experience and talks with her. Find the FACTS….read my other comment about calling her….

Ana
August 19th, 2009 on 9:00 PM

Ummabdur-rahmaan, I think you would agree with me that Islam is a way of life. It’s a part of everything that we do. (I can feel Judith steaming over there ready to pounce on me about that statement. She has every right to and I owe her oooh, goooh, gobs of apologies). It’s truth though. We are supposed to investigate what people are about in Islam. I believe that is why we are told who is what and who does what (Believers, Muslim, unbelievers, hypocrites etc). We’re told that just because someone comes over to your side and say they are such and such…we still must investigate.

What I write about on this blog are things that have come straight from Alex’s mouth, Carolinah’s mouth to me, and her text responses. Other post/comments are written by me about my observations of Alex, and there is circumstantial evidence and opinion included.

saafira
October 13th, 2009 on 6:56 AM

We need to move away from the times where we are so consumed with knowing everything. I for one came into the Deen 13 years ago. I have been in a long term relationship (9years) where I was the other woman.. did the mans wife know… she sure did…do I think it would not happen just cause I am Muslim???… I sure do not…

Now all of a sudden I need to know. For what??? My own personal gratification, knowing that if I do not except it that somewhere down the line my feelings will get hurt if he does it, but I wanted to know !! And then what you gonna confront the Sister ?? Tell her how hurt you are?? So she can tell you to focus on Allah which is where your focus should be anyway !!! Then what?? Two choices Stay or Leave. We complicate this more then need be.

We can not argue with that.. stop looking for loopholes in Islam..THERE ARE NONE!!!!

Stop taking things so personal and relax. Our Husbands are a loan to us all anyway as we are to them !!!! We all belong to Allah.

Firstly, I must let you know that the entire concept of a Nikah is that it is not ‘hidden’. A Nikah must be announced in the society the person is living in. Therefore, I believe it would be wrong to take a second wife in marriage without the first wife and/or the children knowing about it. This is in addition to the social circle of both the persons getting married.

Secondly, with respect to the permission of the first wife, there are two different but related issues. First is the recommendation of the Shariah in the case of a second marriage. However, both the Quran and the Sunnah are devoid of any such recommendations, therefore, as far as the Shariah is concerned, the second marriage can be undertaken without an explicit permission from the first wife. The second issue would be that of the law of the land where the person is residing. It is possible that the law of that particular region does not allow second marriage, or requires the permission of the first wife for second marriage. Such law, then, would have to be followed, even though it may have no jurisdiction in the Shari’ah.

It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will minimize the hurt feelings such thing might produce. So it’s incumbent on the husband to be kind to his wife, discuss the matter with her in a gentle and pleasant manner, and this should be coupled with spending whatever money may be necessary in order to gain her acceptance of the situation.”

I went through this as I am the second wife. And please note that I am 44 and my husband is 26 …. So that may also be an attractrion for him…or as he said the Prophets 1st wife was older then he was, Alhumdulillah!!!

My Husband did not want to tell his first wife as he knows her and that there would be fitnah. I did ask him to tell her though. That is the meaning of this Q & A. That he should tell her out of kindnesss but he does not have to. It is his choice. It is also not permissable to ask your husband not to take any other wives as it is the Sunnah. And his reasons are his own. He sees in me what he does not see in her and he sees in her what he does not see in me.

We women need to STOP being this way. It is their option. Do not ever think for a minute that some brothers who can take on other wives won’t. Be careful of the ways that we are toward our husbands, as if we do not change some of our attitudes… if we are not co wives we may soon be. I know that as a wife, I am more on the quiet side and so is he. My co-wife on the other hand well….I will say this I have seen her out and if that is any indication of behavior at home….I’m just sayin. But my husband may like that in her as opposites do attract. I say we as wives stop trying to figure out why and accept Isalam in it’s entirety. We make the Deen complicated. The pen has been lifted and the ink is dry, MaShaAllah.

JeanneT
October 13th, 2009 on 2:05 PM

From my reading, I have learned that an Islamic marriage is not valid if there is any good reason why it should not have taken place. The law of the land is a valid reason, in my opinion. If it was done in the US, it is a criminal act. Your husband and his wife #2 are criminals. They knew it was illegal when they did it.
Is she his mistress or his wife? I don’t think it is your call. They will be judged fairly when their day comes.
What IS your call is whether or not you are going to tolerate, and be a party to criminal activity in your household. This is a FELONY!

A bigamist is a person who is married to more than one person at one time or married to a person who is married to more than one person at one time. In other words, if either spouse was previously married to another person from whom a divorce was not obtained, both parties commit the crime of bigamy.

Harsh, but something to consider.

JeanneT
October 13th, 2009 on 5:16 PM

Well, OK, they are not really married then.
Another thing to consider in the question of ‘is she or isn’t she?’…
Does he ACT like she is his wife?
Does he PROCLAIM their marital relationship to both families and all friends?
Does he PROVIDE her household with monetary support?
Does he PROTECT her from the credit wolves and things that go bump in the night?
Is she remembered in his will?
Etc, etc, etc.
It does sound like his intent is in the right direction. I’m not really a ‘piece of paper’ sort of person (except that civil law is a reality of this world and culture), so I tend to look more at whether the words and actions are matching up.
I don’t mean this as a defense of what he is doing.
I would not like it one bit.

Ana
October 13th, 2009 on 6:08 PM

Hi Saafira. I don’t think you’ve commented here before. We are glad you are here. Welcome!

I truly appreciate you taking your valuable time to comment and share with us. It’s very nice of you. We could learn so much from each other. Occasionally we may rub each other the wrong way, but that’s part of sharing views and our understanding.

I agree with you that we need to stop trying to figure out why and accept Islam in its entirety. I needed to hear you say that. Hearing from others helps; I believe. I think by us all talking and discussing things, we are trying to accept Islam in its entirety, trying to get a better understanding about what’s going on in our lives, where we seem to be headed, and where we need work on ourselves. Blogging is just one way we’re trying to do it-make progress and be more content with our lives.

I’ve learned and I am learning so much from everyone here. Somethings we already know, but still need to hear it again from others. You’ve been a tremendous help and I thank you. Oh, by the way, I’m not for co-wife in my vocabulary either…hate it…the word. I know…hate’s a bit strong

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

saafira
October 15th, 2009 on 7:18 AM

As-Salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu..
Yaa Akhawaat,

… Sisters I am a 44 year old AmatuAllah, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and above all else a Student of al-Islam !! I am a one of those wives who after marriage was able to leave her job, Alhumdulillah,and who also helps my Husband in his business.

I am currently enrolled in the Islamic Online University, with Bilal Phillips as my Professor, taking nine classes. I also attend the Study Islam.org site where I take three classes (no charge at this one). And I also take classes daily on Sunnah Followers with Laila Nasheeba and Sheik Kobiesy. So when I am offering advice it is because we get these questions everyday, no matter what the class or conference is on, as soon as they say ask your questions, the Sister sound off and the Brothers shake their heads cause this same Sisters are followers of Islam. And I am also a Muslimah who knows her rights as a Wife.

Q]: What is the ruling on a woman hating polygyny because of jealousy, since
jealousy is something natural in women, and we read of the jealousy of `Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) concerning the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)? So where do we stand? I have learned from reading some books that hating one of the rulings of sharee’ah is tantamount to kufr.

[A]: Praise be to Allaah.

A woman’s jealousy concerning her husband is something that is innate and
natural, and you cannot tell a woman, “Do not feel jealous over your husband.”

If a person dislikes something even though it is prescribed in sharee’ah, that does not adversely affect him, so long as he does not hate the fact that it is prescribed.
Allaah says: “Jihaad (holy fighting in Allaah’s Cause) is ordained for you (Muslims) though
you dislike it, and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you…” [al-Baqarah 2:216]

The woman who feels jealous does not hate the fact that Allaah has allowed her husband to marry more than one woman, but she hates to have a co-wife. There is an obvious difference between the two matters. Hence I hope that the brother who
has asked this question, and other people, will think carefully about matters and not rush to judgement; I hope that that they will recognize the subtle differences whereby rulings differ.

To Proceed:

First… In Islam it is POLYGONY, (more then 1 wife). Not POLYGAMY (more than 1 Husband).

Second… As far as the marriage contract goes, In Islam there MUST be a marriage contract for the marriage to take place. Signed by the Husband, Wife, Imam, and two witnesses. There is no marriage in Islam without this document as well as A Wali/Wakil.

My next Issue is: In Islam we do not go to the COURTHOUSE and obtain a so-called Marriage Lis./Certificate. We get married by the permission of Allah azza wa’jal, in the Masjid the way it has been done for thousands of years and it is the Sunnah. Anyone who does that described above has stepped out of the fold of Islam and is now in danger of imitating the Kuffar, and should make Tauba for it.

Then there is the issue of the law of the land, When we are married in the Masjid, and we have our marriage certificate and contract, those will hold up in a court of law.

Now hear me clearly on this, If a Sisters Husband was to die, and he has more then 1 Wife because it is a marriage done according to a RECOGNIZED “Religion” , it will stand in a court of law. That is another reason why all Muslims as soon as they are married should then do an ” Islamic Will and Testament”, as it states in another BINDING document how his assets should be divided between wives, children, sisters, and brothers.

We do not go to the Kuffar courts looking for alimony and child support after the divorce takes place, because every Muslimah should know that there is no provision after the divorce. The father is obliged to take the children anyway. Wedding receptions and all that are not what we do, announcing it it papers is not what we do, we invite the community in and have a WALEEMAH!!!

I have seen sisters have weddings that last for three days, ridiculous actions and we all have to answer for what we do in this life, especially things that we already know and are responsible for.

Look it up, ask a scholar!! I have a list of numbers if you would like them. And they are American Scholars as well as from overseas, if you are particular as to who you accept your knowledge from.

Being a practicing Muslimah, There are things in this Deen put there for a reason. And I stick by my original statement, We women need to STOP being this way. It is their option. Do not ever think for a minute that some brothers who can take on other wives won’t. Be careful of the ways that we are toward our husbands, as if we do not change some of our attitudes… if we are not zawajataans we may soon be. Or he just may break you with divorce. Then what you going to sit there and cry, looking back knowing he was the best thing for you ?

And no one wife is entitled to anymore then the other wives. I suggest that some of the Sisters learn their Deen. I say this because all the arguments posted here are ventings of a jealous woman. You do not have your Husbands best interest at hand! Our Husbands are a loan to us from Allah they are not our property nor are we theirs..we are garments for one another.

If I have said anything Good it from Allah azzawa’jal, Alhumdulillah. If I have said anything bad it is from Shaytaan, who I seek reference in Allah from, Ameen.

Saafira Raja Hafsa Sayeed

*****************************************************
Ibn Taymiyyah said,

“Verily, I constantly renew my Islam until this very day, as up to now, I do not consider myself to have ever been a good Muslim…

[Narrated by Ibn al-Qayyim in 'Madaarij as-Saalikin' ; 1/218]

I don’t care what anyone says, Islam is my way. If I displease everyone in the world, but please Allah, SWT, I will not be among the losers, however, if I please everyone in the world, but displease Allah, SWT, doing it, I will be among the losers.

Surah Isra 17 verse 80 Say: “O my Lord! let my entry be by the Gate of Truth and Honor and likewise my exit by the Gate of Truth and Honor; and grant me from Thy Presence an authority to aid (me).”
Ameen.

Transliteration :Wa qur rabbi adkhilni mudkhala sidqiw wa akhrijni mukhraja sidqiw wa-j’al li mil ladunka sulta_nan nasira_(n).

Adds
October 18th, 2009 on 8:42 AM

sister i think you should stop Labelling caroline and concentrate on your personal life with Alex. Work on how u can influence Alex with your Islamic Values and instill the Luv of Allah S into alex. Ask Allah S to help u with the reformation of your husband and Inshallah your personal and spiritual life will improve tremendously. That is my dua for u sister. May u succeed in this venture if u make it your Goal Inshallah. Nothing is Impossible for Allah S. Allah S just has to say “Be and It Will Be.” Thats how easy it is for HIM.