Polygamy 411

I just read Saafira’s 2 messages on “Is She a Polygamous Wife or Mistress.” The moralizing is fine, for those who can do it. But then I laughed my head off when I read this: “… but i never make it bother me because i work as financial analyst,she is a drop -out from high school.That means i am more prosperous…”

Sorry, but that perspective works happens to work just fine for me.

You said something important there, Ana.
“I try to hold on to the thought…”
Thinking about her is the problem, I think.
Can you let go of thinking about her? Do you want to?
I think these thoughts are stealing your mind time and energy.
Thinking about her can be unlearned.

I knew he was married the day I met him. We were both separated. I was separated on my way to a divorce and he was separated more or less permanently. She could not support herself for a variety of reasons, and they did not dislike each other. Within a few months of that, we started dating. He told her about me early on, I think.
I had some professional skills that were helpful to members of her family, so soon she started to see my name on things when I did such favors for them. On some level, I think she appreciated that I was in his life. Soon, we talked on the phone. I told her I loved him and assured her that he would never abandon her if I had any say in the matter. I did not have any problem with him being married under such circumstances, as it was not an active, functioning marriage. And I certainly supported his not wanting to abandon her. I respected him a lot for it.
The problems came because of law. When we were planning to get married, the fathers of my children got together and hired a lawyer to take my kids away from me. I was not going to put my kids through that kind of a fight, especially a fight I would lose!
I felt that he ought to divorce (just legally) under the circumstances to help me, since it had been an inactive marriage for 7+ years. I even planned on #1 living with us, and was looking forward to getting to know her. I had developed a lot of affection for her over the years. But he would not budge.
I talk to her a few times a year on the phone. We exchange gifts sometimes. I still look forward to meeting her one day. I think I understand her in ways he does not, just because I am female. I have a dream of going to that country to do some charity work, and having her travel with me as my interpreter. I never sensed any jealousy from her, but do not know what she felt. She is really sweet, very kind and never expressed any ill will about us as far as I know. I figured there would be some bumps in our road together, but also thought we would make a good team with the love and care between us, and of course for him. Unfortunately, it did not work out.
The pain of what happened next (enter #3) took me years to get past (still working on it).
I have heard that she and 3 dislike each other intensely.
Now I think that God worked in this way to let me learn some things I needed to understand. I am stronger and richer spiritually for what I have experienced.

JeanneT, I think you, yourself, summed it up very well. You were aware of 1. You communicated with her, and communicated with him about her. Furthermore, 1 was in another country, which made it safe for you. She wasn’t in your face so to speak. She wasn’t hostile to you. She seemed kind and sincere.

I’m wondering if you thought she was also inferior to you. You must have felt very special and believed he no longer loved 1 if he was into you. It’s all understandable to me. I think all women think they are special, a prize, when they enter a relationship with a man already involved with another woman. After all we wonder why they would bother with us if they were so in love with the others.

3 did throw you a curve ball. You probably asked yourself why he got with her if he was so into you. Then you began to feel threatened, as a rival was now on the scene, or you felt replaced. Of course you didn’t want him to love someone else. It wasn’t supposed to happen. I think at that point your emotions began to kick into high gear. I imagine you began to think and feel the way a first wife thinks and feels. I think we know how each other feel being in similar situations.

3 is just out there, as she thought you were gone, over with. 3 is distraught and feels betrayed… and so the story goes. It’s crazy huh?

That’s just my take on what it sounds like to me. Please correct me if I’m at all wrong. Are you really sure you wish 3 didn’t think of you as an enemy. Perhaps I’m a bit devious, but I think that would make me happy, 3 thinking me an enemy. It means I bother her. Yes, I still need a whole lot of work and time is running out.

Thank you so very much, JeanneT, for sharing with us all. It was very generous of you. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but where is he that you see him so little? Is he back in his country?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

He is back in his homeland, living with #3 and visiting #1 sometimes.
No, I don’t wish 3 to think of me as an enemy. I don’t wish any misery upon her at all. She had no idea of what she was in for, except that she knew about #1. I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me, although I’m sure we could easily pick each other out of a lineup. Our anger/resentment would be more properly directed to the man, not the other woman.
I’ve been in marriage hell a couple of times. I don’t wish it on anyone. What I do wish is for a world that is more accepting of divorce. It is quite a shameful thing in some parts of the world, so there is enormous pressure to put on a good face to protect family dignity. But behind closed doors…

I feel much better when I am not angry.
Ana, your blog has helped me work through my anger. Thank you so much for putting this and all of us together.

Dear Ana, my husband and I have been married for 14 wonderful years. He is 44 and I am 37. We have 2 beautiful children together. One boy, 10, and one girl 11. We have a home in America where we currently live and a condo in Jordan. I have traveled there many times. I love his family, and they love me. We traveled to Jordan this past summer and had a fabulous time. We visited many countries. when it was time to return home my husband wanted to stay to finish some business. This was not unusual, he ships cars and sells them there. He stayed an extra 6 weeks. 6 days before he was to return home, he met a girl on the internet. He told her he wanted to be more than friends, and after only 6 days he told her he wanted to marry her. She agreed. He came back and told me everything. I was completely shocked and devastated. After only being home for 2 weeks he went back to Jordan. He met with her father, and last Friday they became engaged. I will never leave him, and he has promised to never leave me. Everything here in America is in my name, including a timeshare that we have. The reason for this is because he was married before me and we did not want her to get her hands on anything. Anyway, today he asked me to make a reservation for the two of them to go to Spain next summer. All of this has happened in the last 4 weeks of my life. His family is completely opposed to this union. His mother who lives here in America with us flew to Jordan 6 days ago, but it was too late, they had already signed the book. The girl by the way is 26 and smokes. My husband is very anti smoking. She was married when she was 16 had 2 children, and divorced by the time she was 19. She was also second wife in that marriage. I pray everyday, Allah has helped me a great deal, but I still have a long way to go. We are moving to Jordan next summer. I do not want a part time husband, and my children do not need a part time husband. Our children do not know yet. We have agreed not to tell them until closer to the time, which happens to be next July. He always tells me I am the best wife any man could want. He loves me very much. He is a great father, and good provider. I just wanted to share my story and possibly get some feed back. Thank you for allowing me to vent.