Polygamy and Pain
by ana on May.25, 2009, under my story today
The excruciating, deep, overwhelming, terrible pain that polygamy causes some women seems to lingers indefinitely. The pain could last sometimes for years. For me, the pain I felt after Alex married Carolinah has subsided tremendously. It’s been two years and ten months. The pain still resurfaces periodically, when I allow my thoughts to drift off to the two of them; when I begin to think of what they’re doing intimately; when I think of how the two of them plotted and planned; how Carolinah latched on my husband and dismissed me – all the things I have so often spoken of on the blog.
Yesterday, I spoke with my best friend about the most recent article that I posted, “A Malaysia First Wife Speaks of Polygamy.” I advised him that the woman interviewed described the pain that she felt when she learned her husband had secretly married another woman. I advised him that I could feel her pain as I read her story. He said I felt my pain, not her pain when I read her story. What she described made me feel my pain again, he said. I thought what he said was profound. I began to think about it and realized the truth in it. He explained how a person cannot feel another person’s pain. He gave me some examples and I thought it was so true. The numbness the woman in the article felt; feeling “zombie” like; the crying for maybe a year; the waves of emotions – I felt and lived it all. It all hurt so badly and still does sometimes, not as often though, which is a mercy.
I think about the different forms of polygamy. Some women in polygamous relationships live it voluntarily. Some are thrust into it, not by choice. Some women, like me for instance, experience a pain living polygamy that is almost indescribable. It is a pain I could never forget. Remnants of it are always with me. I remember the lyrics of a song I heard when I was a teenager, “Pain is in my heart, tearing me apart.”I can relate to those lyrics.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
September 19th, 2009 on 12:19 AM
As salaamu alaykum Ana.
How can something based in haraam, something devoid of Allah’s Love, not cause excruciating pain? How on earth can one expect anything less when obedience to Allah was never the focal point of all involved?
I love the words of the Quran, “Never despair of Allah’s Soothing Mercy!” However hard polygyny is, when those involved are truly putting Allah first His Mercy rains down on them and makes the pain diminish. But there can never be anything but pain when things are wrong. You coming out of that darkness and finding some ease – some of Allah’s Soothing Mercy – is due to YOU putting Allah first. He is attending to your needs and nurturing you wa al hamdul’Illahi Rabb il al ameen! I’m praying that it will become more of a distant memory and you will reap all the benefit Willed for you from all this. Insha’Allah, such great pain will attain lofty levels of Jennah al Firdous – ameen.
September 19th, 2009 on 10:59 AM
Is your friend saying empathy is a myth? Perhaps it’s through your own pain that you learn to understand and empathize with another’s… but that’s not to say you have to experience exactly the same kind of pain to have empathy. I’ve never given birth, but gosh… it was heart wrenching to see my wife in such prolonged agony. Neither was I abused as a child, but I have cried for those who were.
I believe empathy can be genuine. If memory and imagination are the functioning parts of the engine, love is the fuel that drives it.
September 19th, 2009 on 1:58 PM
Mai, As Salaamu Alaikum.
I believe it is a blessing from Allah SWT everytime I here from you, Mai. You say the very things I need to hear to bring what’s happening between Alex, Carolinah and me into focus.
I agree with you; I believe the pain is beginning to subside, as Allah SWT is giving me some ease, as I am making a sincere effort to put Allah first. The pain, although still there, has subsided significantly due to Allah’s soothing Mercy, as you cited from Quran. Thank you very much for reminding me with the Ayat.
I’ve recently been wondering whether Allah SWT will eventually separate Alex and me, not because of polygamy, but due to our differences in belief or his lack of enthusiam for Islam. I will know, however, with time.
I pray Allah SWT will give you the best in this world and the best in the Hereafter, Mai.
September 19th, 2009 on 2:39 PM
Hi Donald,
“If memory and imagination are the functioning parts of the engine, love is the fuel that drives it.” That’s poetry in motion, Donald.
I once heard sympathy defined as empathy without getting the feeling all over you. I believe in empathizing. I think that is what happens when I see someone crying and I spontaneously begin to boo hoo uncontrollably too. How embarrassing is that?
I agree with what you said that through my own pain I was able to understand and empathize with another, which I did when I read the woman’s story. Since I had virtually been through what she described, the feelings that she described began to resurface within me and I began to feel my pain all over again.
Using the example you gave of child birth. I have never had a child, nor have I been present with anyone while she gave birth. When I see someone giving birth (for example, on the “Operation Channel”-Alex liked watching that), I can’t handle it and I begin to freak-out, speaking of how disgusting it is. For you, it was different. You saw the woman you love giving birth to your child, which was beautiful, a gift from God. The love you have for her made you hurt as you saw the woman you love, your wife, hurting.
I think we’re on the same page
September 19th, 2009 on 6:24 PM
Asalamu alaikom….EID MUBARAK! Wa huwa wa la quata illah billah (There is no might or power except by allah)! I just wanted to greet you all. I hope you all are good.It was very nice to read your messages.
As it stands im still a single wife and awaiting my fate unaware as to when, or if, things will proceed. Subhanallah, I have had to make so much dua to get me through this month but Allah has come through each and every time. Mai, I do love that ayat…’Never dispair of Allahs mercy’. I also heard these interesting hadith’s that really made me ponder.The Messenger of Allah said- ‘The believing man or woman continues to have affliction in person property and children so that they may finally meet Allah free from sin’.Also: The Apostle of Allah said-’When Allah has previously decreed for a servant a rank which he has not attained by his action he afflicts them in their body, property or children’.
September 19th, 2009 on 7:52 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum and EID MUBARAK to all! I pray Allah SWT accepted all of our fasts, rewarded us with his blessings and blesses us with a new beginning. I’d like to mention to all our dear friends, family, visitors and readers that are not Muslim,The Holy Month of Ramandan, the month of fasting for Muslims has come to an end, until next year.
Azar, I’ve been thinking about you, and making dua for you. You brought a smile to my face as I read your comment. You sound in such high spirits, which makes me, and probably everyone else very happy, I’m sure
Mai uplifted my spirits today, as well, with the ayat she shared with us. I think she had previously mentioned the hadith that you cited, as well. I’m glad you reiterated it here. I need to make a copy of it and keep it with me.
I do believe you are going to be just fine Azar in whatever Allah has decided your fate will be. I’ll continue to make dua for you. Keep hanging in there and stay strong-remember Allah much!
September 20th, 2009 on 7:20 AM
Ana said: That’s poetry in motion, Donald.
lol. Very good!
Don’t be embarrassed about crying with another. I think that’s sweet. Yeah, sounds like we’re on the same page.
September 20th, 2009 on 11:18 AM
I feel so badly for you. I understand your continuing pain I and hope and pray it will someday pass.
September 20th, 2009 on 12:27 PM
Hi New#3, I have to confer with Donald on whether you’re feeling sympathy or empathy lol
Thank you New#3 for caring. It means very much to me. I hope and pray your journey in plural marriage has been and will be good for you!