Why Do Men Engage in Polygamy in 2009?
by ana on May.26, 2009, under my story today, polygamy - the aftermath, Section 1
Why do men engage in polygamy in 2009? I’m referring to a man who has more than one wife and each wife lives in a separate dwelling. I’ve thought about it for some time now.
The Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives all lived close to one another. With regard to families back then, I’d imagine they emphasized feeding and clothing wives, and providing them with spiritual guidance. With gross materialism in the world today, there is much more involved in maintaining and protecting women in 2009. How does a man find the time to do all that he needs to do?
I’ve thought about my husband Alex and me, for instance. Regarding maintenance, I’ve noticed a difference since he’s been married to Carolinah. Things he used to do such as unpacking and putting suitcases away after we return from trips and vacations, he doesn’t do readily anymore. Usually we get home so late from traveling and he’s due at Carolinah’s home the next day. So things are left undone until he returns. It has taken him a month or more to do little things such as put a battery in the huge clock on the wall. I know what I’ve described seems insignificant, but it all begins to mount.
I try not to pressure Alex to do anything, as I know he has a lot on his plate. He has a lot of responsibilities. He has my household, Carolinah’s household, his job, and his mother and her home. By the way, his mother is in the hospital as I write. So, I pretty much leave Alex alone. After all, I don’t want him to snap, crackle, or pop.
Next comes the protection part. I wonder how Alex could protect me in the time of an emergency, if he’s with Carolinah on her night. It’s not like he lives next-door and can come over and help me. I’ve decided I intend to do whatever I need to do, if an emergency arises when Alex is not home. I intend not to call him, even if someone in my family dies. When it comes down to me having to do for myself all the time, I have to ask myself why I need Alex…Is sex the only thing I need him for?
My friend whom I have referred to so often said a man should support and protect his wives in a spiritual way. They should study Islam together, learn together, read Quran and pray together. They should worship together. The husband is to give his wives good Islamic advice and guidance to help them in their journey to Paradise.
I get no Islamic guidance from Alex. We do none of the things mentioned above. Alex’s conversations consist of discussing more educational degrees that he wants to earn, his professional work and retirement plans for the future, his recreational plans and physical fitness plans. His conversations all pertains to his pursuit of worldly pleasures, and not the pursuit of Paradise. He never encourages me to strive for Paradise. Every now and again Alex spouts off something from an Islamic perspective when he knows I’ve become frustrated with his lack of Islamic focus in our marriage. I become very frustrated knowing Islam is a way of life and part of everything I do, but Islam is not Alex’s way.
I would suggest that Muslim men who contemplate becoming polygamous seriously consider whether they can support and protect more than one wife in 2009 or whether they enter polygamy to satisfy some of their selfish desires.
Are there any wives who feel a lack of maintenance and protection from their husbands, and would like to share some of their experiences or thoughts? Are there any men willing to take a stance on this topic? Thoughts of everyone who would like to comment are welcome.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
September 21st, 2009 on 5:32 PM
Hi Ana, I have been reading your blog for a while but I haven’t commented yet.
I know how it feels when your husband/boyfriends is seeing someone else, whether it is justified by religion or not. If it is not justified, then it is just plain old cheating.
Anyways, from what you are saying I am very confused as to why do you keep living with Alex. You have implied it many times and you also state it in this post that Alex’s focus is not much on Islam anymore, yet he wants to live in polygamy based on Islam. This seems to me as a double standard, like he is just trying to justify his adultery.
You also mentioned that Carolinah was not Islamic before she ‘married’ Alex. Now, I know that Prophet Muhammad had, besides his wives, a Christian concubine and the more I read your blog, the more Carolinah appears to be just that.
I also have a question. You mention you would not bother Alex if something happened to you or your family – now that goes against of what I believe a husband should be there for – for your support in good and bad. It seems to me like you would like to punish him for not being there by not letting him know. I perfectly understand that, but it only points out to the unhappiness in your marriage and lack of someone you can always rely on – and that someone should be your husband (and he obviously isn’t).
What will happen when you grow old and you will need someone by your side? What will happen when Carolinah will need the same? Will you all end up living together? Will you have a husband to take care of you or will someone else have to do that because he will be with Carolinah? I just think that any issues you have now will only be amplified in the future and you are setting yourself up for a life of constant unhappiness.
You ask the right questions on your blog and I think you have the right answers to them, you just need to follow up on them. I feel your unhappiness and things need to change for you to be happy again.
All the best,
Dana
September 21st, 2009 on 7:14 PM
Hi Dana, welcome. I’m glad you’re here, and have been for a while. You’ve posed some excellent questions and made some observations that are suitable for the Post I intend to publish in the morning, as well. I think your comment is an excellent one, very thought provoking and you’re right on point with all you’ve said.
I don’t know what Alex intends to do when I grow old or he grows old for that matter. But I know what I need to start doing and that is rely solely on Allah SWT and put Allah first under all conditions and circumstances.
I must agree with you that it would be (a passive/aggressive tactic) a form of punishment inflicted on Alex by me, if an emergency arises and I don’t notify him. I’ve had situations (maybe not emergencies) before that Alex was aware of and he wasn’t there for me. So why humiliate myself again.
I think I need to do what I know is best-continue on with my life as is, accepting Allah’s decision, put Allah first and He will make things better for me.
I thank you much for commenting, and hope you’ll continue to do so.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 22nd, 2009 on 12:20 PM
Hi Ana, thank you for your warm welcome.
I admire you for putting Allah first and continuing with your life even if it brings you pain.
I have a question though. Do you think you can put Allah first even in a union with a man who does not? Is there any chance that Allah is revealing all of this to you to show you what is wrong rather than wanting you to stay in a relationship where Alex does not care much about Islam even during some of the most important holidays, not to mention every day life?
And what happens after death? Will you be united with Alex for eternity in ‘paradise’ or will he and Carolinah be together in ‘hell’? Is there a chance you are setting yourself up for a life and ‘death’ of loneliness?
Now, these are just things I do not know much about, therefore the questions. Excuse me and please correct me if my interpretation is wrong.
I know divorces are allowed in Islam, what are some of the reasons that they are allowed? And what is the purpose of divorce – that is supposed to improve by it?
Have a wonderful day Ana,
Dana
September 22nd, 2009 on 9:18 PM
Hi Dana, I think our dear, special, friend Mai has come to my rescue with answers to some of your questions.
You asked, “Do you think I can put Allah first even in a union with a man who does not?” Mai cited a hadith that says, “Be careful about the company you keep/who you befriend, for you are on the deen of your companions.” I’ve also heard it phrased,we follow the religion of those whom we make our friends, so be careful who you make your friend. I strongly believe that. I agree with Mai that staying in my marriage is a “dangerous prospect”; if I don’t put Allah first and I begin to follow Alex’s lead, trying to please Alex, then I risk going astray.
You asked, “And what happens after death.” A righteous husband, wife and family would be in Paradise together. I really would like to re-unite with my best friend and his wife in Paradise, as friends. I’ve given some thought about Alex and I’ve already resolved myself to the prospect that he and I may not be together in the Hereafter.
You asked about reasons for divorce in Islam. My understanding is that any couple that feel they can no longer live together in peace and harmony for whatever reason, if the marriage just becomes unbearable, can divorce. I hope someone correct me, if I’m wrong. I don’t think Alex practicing “polygamy” (if in fact that’s what it is) is reason enough for me to leave. If I believe Alex will lead me astray from the straight path to Allah if I stay, that’s good enough reason to leave. I just don’t feel I’ve reached that point of knowing it’s time to go. I think if and when it’s time to go, I will know without a doubt, as it would be easy for me.
I believe as well that Allah is going to change my condition for the better once He sees I have a sincere desire to put Him (Allah) first and serve Him. I don’t know how it would come about; it may happen for me as it happened for Mai and I’ll eventually leave. I don’t know.
You asked if I think Allah is revealing all of what I’ve been seeing lately to show me what is wrong so I may consider leaving. I think, yes. I think Allah has been showing me for quite some time now. I agree with Mai that I am beginning to receive clarity and focus now.
I’ve been wondering if I could remain in the marriage with Alex and enter Paradise. What has made me wonder is Pharaoh’s wife. She was a Believer and remained married to Pharaoh. I think about Prophet Lut (Lot) and Prophet Noah’s wives; they were unbeliever, but Prophet Lut and Noah didn’t divorce them. I’ve just been thinking…
Thanks for the questions Dana. I hope Mai and my answers were helpful. Thank you Mai!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 22nd, 2009 on 11:50 PM
I had to think about this for a bit. What I’m going to say may come across as really harsh and I’m sorry for that. I’m not perfect and I’ve made some serious mistakes in my life. I thank God that I’ve been given another opportunity to do better.
What I hear disturbs me. I cannot judge but I can say I feel your frustration and pain. I hope Alex realizes what he has and begins the healing that needs to happen.
I think this goes along the lines of secret wives. Family should NOT be separate. Family should be together. We read about it in the scriptures where family’s lived in the same region for generations. There is a pattern here and a lesson to be learned.
Polygamy is not just more sex. I pity the people who think this is all there is to it. If that’s so then what do we think about monogamous relationships? Is that just about sex also??? Just less of it?
Sorry but that’s shallow IMO. Again I don’t judge. But I hope people have a better reason for getting married. Otherwise that might explain why America has over 60% of marriages end in divorce.
As far as Paradise goes or protection, it’s the man’s responsibility to preside over his family. Meaning if he doesn’t care for their needs then he is derelict (not just worldly needs).
Jesus Christ taught the parable of the talents. Suggesting to me that the man with one talent who doesn’t do something (at least make the effort) to increase it will end up loosing it. I don’t think he was just talking about money either.
And the goal of religions generally are to help people prepare to meet God after they pass from this life. Worldly pursuits are fine. It’s just as important as our spiritual needs but shouldn’t take the lead over our eternal wellbeing. We’re only here a short time.
I speak from experience. I’ve neglected my families spiritual side and have seen how it’s affected them. Especially my children.
And yes, we’re working on that as well. It’s a relief to see it’s not too late for us.
I say this not to sound boastful but as a warning.
For what it’s worth, I hope things turn around for you.
You know, it’s interesting. I bought a book today called “The Miracle of Forgiveness” by Spencer W. Kimball. He was a Mormon Prophet in the late 70′s I think. I’ve had it on my mind the last few months. When something is stuck in my mind like that I know I need to stop ignoring it and just do it. I’ve skipped around a bit. Searching for answers. For me at least, it’s another step down the path.
One more comment and I’ll stop rambling. Douglas Adams an author of some of my favorite books wrote “I didn’t end up where I wanted to go, but I arrived at where I needed to be”.
This may not be the path you thought it was going to be, but perhaps with a little luck and God’s blessings things will turn out far better than you expect.
One can hope…
September 23rd, 2009 on 1:02 PM
U235sentinel, it is always good to hear from you. I concur with all that you said-well said! I agree with you that marriage for sex is entirely the wrong way to go. As most of us know, sex after marriage usually dwindles for some odd reason anyhow. Something usually needs to be added to spice it up over time. I’ve heard that a lot of polygamous marriages entered with lust as the driving force in it ended in divorce shortly after the marriage began.
I believe now that the purpose of family should be for all its members to come together for a common purpose and goal. I believe as you do that the man should take the lead in a marriage, preside over the family and care for their worldly and spiritual needs. The whole secret wives situation is a totally different animal.
I like the parable that Jesus taught. Thank you for sharing it with us. What we don’t use, we lose. You presented a lot of food for thought in your comment.
As for Alex, I hope he wakes up soon and smells the coffee before it’s too late.
I am happy to hear you have turned over a new leaf in life, and are working with your family to make your and their spiritual and worldly lives better. I’ve read that when God wants good for his servants, He exposes their faults to them. The only way we can change for the better is if we recognize our faults so we could work on them. I’m wishing you and your family the very, very best, U235sentinel!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 23rd, 2009 on 2:16 PM
Oh, U235sentinel, I forgot to say I think what you quoted from Douglas Adams applys to me, “I didn’t end up where I wanted to go, but I arrived at where I needed to be.” That is so heavy!!! Thank you for sharing.
I do believe that things will turn out far better than I expected, if it’s God’s will.
Don’t ever feel you’re rambling. I appreciate all that you have to say.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 25th, 2009 on 1:10 AM
Your suffering is both touching and frustrating. You clearly express your pain which is touching and then you justify accepting it with your religion.
But is your religion a religion of fear and pain?
To an outsider, you make it sound like it: a religion of selfishness for the husband and pain for the wife. You may be discouraging people from accepting Islam in this blog, by using Islam to justify the pain your husband has inflicted upon you. You make Islam look bad.
Maybe you are being called, not to accept pain, but to accept freedom of choice. Just a thought.
There is a moving story of polygamy over americanbedu.com.
This Saudi woman was a first wife whose husband took a second wife. What I would ask you to pay attention to, is her whole family’s experience of polygamy. Her mother was a very sad second wife whose children suffered because she was not favored. Would you impose your suffering on any children you might have? Your depression and pain would be in their environment, as is the husband’s selfishness. Your choice to suffer is never only a personal choice. If you become a mother, you are making choices that will cause your children to suffer. That is not something a person with a true spirituality will do. I urge you to think about the consequences of your actions.
September 25th, 2009 on 11:21 AM
Hello Lark. Polygamy is a different experience for any person involved in this type of marriage. I’ve shared with many here some of the problems and trials/tests that I’ve encountered with it.
Yes. There are some men that are selfish in their pursuit of polygamy and some women that experience much pain in it. I think it’s important for people to be educated and informed, which is why we have media information and information about polygamy in various countries on the site and we ask readers, visitors, family and friends to share their experiences.
I don’t think this blog is going to discourage anyone from practicing polygamy. Many already visit with a preconceive notion that they would never practice polygamy or they have a disdain for. Many here are already in polygamy and need to talk about it or just hear from others living it.
I’m still a bit confused as to how you think I use Islam to justify the pain my husband has inflicted upon me. Nowhere did I or anyone here say Islam condone men inflicting pain on woman. Anyone in any relationship be it monogamous or polygamous experience some form of pain in the relationships. I’m expressing truth. To some it might look bad, more so to those who don’t want the truth exposed for whatever reason.
Regarding children, I’m sure many children do suffer in polygamous marriages. My husband and I don’t have any children and have no plans to have any, so I can’t address with you the effects polygamous marriages have on children. Perhaps others like a previous commenter, “Whatup”, might share more with us about it.
I’ve always known I had a choice in this marriage whether to stay or whether to leave. Polygamy is not a good enough reason for me to leave. I’m not one that believe a person should flee a marriage just because she feels some pain in it or things get a bit rough. Pain and tests/trial are all part of a marriage, part of life.
Thank you for being with us Lark.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 25th, 2009 on 6:19 PM
“Nowhere did I or anyone here say Islam condone men inflicting pain on woman.”
Sorry if I wasn’t being clear. To an outsider, for whom polygamy is a foreign custom with a negative reputation, you do not make it sound reasonable. You do not remove the stigma with what you tell us: you justify it. From your writing, polygamy sounds unreasonable and unkind and unfair. You also are very clear that it is a right for Muslim men under Islamic law. That makes Islam sound unreasonable and unkind (cruel and unfair).
September 25th, 2009 on 6:54 PM
Lark, you said I do not make polygamy sound reasonable and do not remove the stigma with what I tell everyone. First, I must say I did not create the stigma and I am not here to remove it. Sometimes polygamy can be unreasonable, unkind and unfair; that is a fact. Islam is beautiful and polygamy, which is a part of Islam, can be beautiful as well.
My relationship is not intended to be an example for anyone to follow. Polygamy 411 is a forum or support group for those individuals that live polygamy or are interested in polygamy to express themselves and share their experiences and thoughts with other.
I have not glamorized polygamy, as it hasn’t been glamorous for me, and from what I hear from many of those who have spoken thus far, it hasn’t been glamorous for them either. Perhaps it’s not Islam or polygamy that should be in question; however, the persons that practice it.
I appreciate your comments and input, and value your opinion Lark.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 26th, 2009 on 12:15 PM
Lark,
I am still quite puzzled. I cannot understand how you could question my position about polygamy and say my blog may be discouraging others. At the same time you directed my site visitors to another blog, another article that is discouraging about a second wife who is experiencing similar problems with polygamy that have been addressed by many at polygamy 411.
You said the article is a “moving story”; where do you want them to move to?
Ana
October 3rd, 2009 on 5:27 PM
hi Ana
‘Moving’ can mean emotionally touching, which is how I meant it.
You are asking about this, I think:
“You may be discouraging people from accepting Islam in this blog, by using Islam to justify the pain your husband has inflicted upon you. You make Islam look bad.”
I think your story is more discouraging about Islam than the other story. Why…?
The story in the other blog is the story of a Muslim woman who escaped a polygamous (and abusive) marriage. (That story is in 2 parts, it may be that the second is the story of escaping and making a new life.)
Your story (up to this point) is a story of accepting polygamy and the suffering that is a part of that. You accept the suffering in light of Islamic permission for polygamy.
If a woman were suffering in polygamy and reading this blog, the story of accepting that suffering is what she would read here.
If that same woman read the other story, the story of escaping that suffering, and coming to a better place, would be what she would read.
The other story shows that Islam does not require women accept the suffering of polygamy, which I think makes Islam seem more just and peaceful and loving.
October 3rd, 2009 on 9:09 PM
Hi Lark,
Not everyone here at polygamy 411 is trying to escape polygamy. Some want to accept it as a way of life, but are finding it difficult to do due to their upbringing, teachings, and prohibition by society.
Visitors are here at this blog for various reasons. Just to name a few: Some are here discovering they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings about living polygamy. Some are here to vent, and relieve anger and frustration etc. Some are just seeking support. Some just want to talk about polygamy out of a basic interest. There are many, many, many reasons why visitors are here.
You’re entitled to believe as you chose. The story that you referenced, if I can remember, (correct me if I’m wrong) tells of a girl who grew up in a polygamous family, married a man who became polygamous and he beat her. A family member helped her to escape. That’s wonderful she was able to leave him! I haven’t heard from any women here on this blog that they’ve been beaten, and are trying to escape. If a visitor here is in a situation like that, I suggest she seek immediate help from whatever sources that are available, including the website you referenced previously, if she wants to read a similar story.
At polygamy 411, I encourage everyone to speak the truth and be real. I can’t and will not concern myself about what the truth and realism makes Islam seem like. It is not Islam that is in question; it is the men that practice polygamy for greed and selfish gain with the lack of concern for others.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
October 17th, 2009 on 11:28 AM
I get no material support beyond a few gifts a year. He promised to support me, but it did not happen. He encountered business difficulties. I like it better this way (now), because I do not want to be depending on him. I believe he would try to help me if ever got in a bind. I do not want material comfort to cloud my judgment or influence my decision to stay or go.
I do not get much spiritual guidance from him anymore.
But to answer the question, why men do it in 2009?
I will ask and answer another question:
Q: Why does a dog lick his ****?
A: Because he can.
October 17th, 2009 on 5:18 PM
JeanneT,
I’m with you. I think it is best not to become dependent on a husband or anyone or anything else for that matter, if we don’t have to. I think it’s actually a blessing to have our own. I love the fact that if I want to walk I could do so without having to make any major sacrifices. I think it would be oppressive to have to stay with a husband for financial reasons.
Perhaps one day your hub’s business will get off the ground and Allah SWt will allow him to lavish you with the things you want or the things you need as a reward for your patience.
About the dog analogy…yes. I think they engage in polygamy because they can.
October 18th, 2009 on 8:28 AM
Sister i feel really sorry for u. Polygamy is an excellent answer for all those single women who are yet to find a wonderful partner for life. I am a 23yr old first wife (married 2yrs)and gave my blessings when my husband wanted to take a second wife – unlike most first wives who instantly threaten divorce when their husbands want to put their GOD Given Rights of polygamy into action for watever reason is his perogative.
Its because of the problems that first wives create, that forces a man to hide their 2nd, 3rd and 4th marriages resulting in secret wives and the likes thereof. We are directly the cause of such situations. We women need to realize that Allah S in His Infinite Mercy has said that Polygamy is a blessing for all muslim women.We women with our minimum capacity to comprehend The Wisdom in His Words rebel and retaliate with everything we have against His Idea even to the extent of losing our Imaan.
October 19th, 2009 on 7:47 PM
I grew up as a Catholic but have always struggled to follow it with enthusiasm. For a few years I went without religion in a way as I tried to find out who I was. I studied religions with more interest than I had antisipated. By taking a step back, I’m starting to find that I have created my own religion of sorts; I’m taking bits and pieces of the religious teachings that I agree with and that fit into my life. Most of the Q’aran is influential to me. I agree with you that polygamy can work, it is all up to the people involved in it. All marriages go through rough patches, those who get divorced are those that could not work through the issues. From what I have read, it seems to me that you should make your opinions heard. Alex should know how he is affecting you, by not telling him, you are allowing it to continue. Best of Luck.
October 20th, 2009 on 12:25 AM
Hello Adds. Welcome to polygamy 411. It is nice that you have joined us. I’m happy to hear that you are a first wife who has given her blessings for her husband to take a second wife.
I respectfully beg to differ with you, however when you blame wives for their husband’s actions. We are all responsible for and accountable for our own actions. If husbands fear their wives opposed to fearing Allah and choose to keep their other wives a secret, how is it the wives’ fault? How is it the first wife or the subsequent wives fault?
No woman can take the blame for a man who commits Shirk by trying to please his wife, by hiding another. The men are to blame for hiding their wives. He hides wife so as not to displease his other wives. Men conceal their decision to take an additional wife based on how the first wife or other wives feel about it. Allah says don’t concern yourself about the reproached of others. Sounds like the man who hides wives have lack of Faith and ascribe partners to Allah, fearing man opposed to fearing Allah and Allah alone.
Yes. Many women have issues with polygamy and like men they are accountable for themselves. Many women for various reasons have difficulties accepting polygamy. Many of those wives are trying to work through their issues, are trying to accept Allah’s decisions, and are trying to grow closer to Allah. You may perceive women struggling with polygamy as losing their Imaan, but Allah knows best. Polygamy may very well bring women closer to Allah and be a means to help them enter Paradise. When Allah wants good for His servants, He shows them their faults. He allows them to recognize their short comings so they can strive to be better Muslims. It’s has a lot to do with purification. I don’t think most women reject polygamy for what it represent, but reject it, as they simply can’t cope with it for themselves.
No woman or man should ever be blamed for what the other does.
Nonetheless, thank you Add for your comment. It’s nice talking with you. We all must agree to respectfully disagree if need be; I hope.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
October 20th, 2009 on 11:05 AM
I think almost all men blame their wives when they decide to get involved with another woman. But it is the man’s decision alone to do so, almost without exception.
There is probably nothing the wife could have done to prevent her husband from looking elsewhere.
She might be unhappy about the situation, and understandably so. But she is responsible for her actions only.
If she decides to take another man into her life for comfort and pleasure, because she has some marriage problems, are we to blame her husband for her decision and her behavior?
October 20th, 2009 on 7:59 PM
Hi Dragonfly8, I like the name. It’s really cool. Welcome to polygamy 411. Thanks for joining us and sharing information about your background. My sister’s ex-husband was Catholic and so were the children until my sister and her husband got divorced. She then reverted back to being Baptist. I was born Muslim and then my parents made me Protestant and then Baptist. When I was old enough to decide, I stopped religion completely. I then went back to being Baptist and subsequently found Islam again. Life is interesting for each and every one of us, isn’t it?
You couldn’t have said it better; relationships are all about working through issues and if it can’t be done, then divorce seems inevitable, unless people want to live in misery for the duration of their lives. My mom’s first cousin and his wife lived together. They then went to separate beds that lead to separate bedrooms until he died. Now is that bazaar or what?
Dragonfly8, you said I should talk to Alex about what I’m thinking and feeling and some of our other dear friends have suggested, as well, that Alex and I communicate better. I think u235sentinel said it recently…who am I? I’d like to communicate better with Alex, but it’s very difficult. See, I think I’ve built up a huge shield, a barrier to guard me in a sense from being hurt. I guess the shield wasn’t strong enough, as it didn’t do a very good job. I feel very vulnerable disclosing to Alex what I’m feeling. It’s much easier for me to tell him what I’m thinking (I will destroy you, for instance). Now, with Carolinah on the scene, it’s even more difficult to open up, as I fear Alex would disclose to her what I tell him. It’s something I truly need some help with. At least I see many things more clearly by talking with so many insightful persons, such as you. Best of luck to you too. Stay in touch.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
October 20th, 2009 on 8:17 PM
JeanneT, it seems women get blamed for everything. It’s bad enough that women get blamed by their husbands for them taking second, third and fourth wives, but to get blamed by women, as well, saying he did it because we are so messed up… And then people want to blame women for speaking out about wives that get thrown away by their husbands and made to be maids to their husband and his subsequent wives, or sent off to the polygamy club, or put in the onion field… Come on. Talking about being forced into servitude… I know that wasn’t the polygamy that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) practiced…Islam liberated women and gave them honor and respect. What’s going on here with polygamy in 2009?
October 20th, 2009 on 9:20 PM
Why? Ana? From my observation, the “West” has obliterated the sacredness of having a large family.
Why does the west want to own everything? Nothing on this earth, from the air to the earth should be owned. Women and men cannot own each other but we are each other’s vessel of progress and hope for the future.
Men’s sex drives are made perverted by society. As nature intended, men should seek many wives for the purpose of having children. Imaging the pride and security of having 40 brothers and sisters, plus children, grand children…You would never be lonely. You would be taken care of in old age, not a ward of the state.
Imagine, if the man is forthright, the greatness that could be generated in terms of progress? A strong social network. This is dangerous to the west and they destroy that possibility with negative propaganda. Western men cheat and sneak instead of having open and righteous relationships with multiple women. As a result, the women cling and suffer as if victims of robbery. Truly, what they loose is spiritual progress through expansion of family and sisterhood.
Why does the west want to own everything? Nothing on this earth, from the air to the earth should be owned. Women and men cannot own each other but we are each other’s vessel of progress and hope for the future.
I am not Muslim. My husband intends to be a polygamist and I too because a man who is this open and truthful with his plans for the family is worthy.
October 20th, 2009 on 9:46 PM
I sometimes read a message/therapy blog for Other Women. It is a bit off topic to mention it, sorry. But my point is that these women are called homewreckers. Reading the stories, one sees that it is generally the someone else’s husband that did the pursuit of the other woman and the wrecking of the home.
The result is two women (at least) in utter agony over a guy that probably gets just a brief dip in the hot water.
I know I am not speaking for all women, as some seem to be happy with such arrangements. But I think, as women, we would come out ahead if we found a way not to demonize the other women in the triangle and rather joined forces and demanded honesty of the men.
In my dreams?
October 20th, 2009 on 9:48 PM
Mel,
EXCELLENT POST! I’m left speechless.
Welcome to polygamy 411. It’s a blessing to have you here.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
October 20th, 2009 on 9:55 PM
JeanneT,
You scared me for a moment. I thought-”Is she for real?” But then you asked, “In my dreams?”
October 20th, 2009 on 10:09 PM
I was for real! Stay with me here, Ana. It would totally change the dynamic of such relationships. Instead of the man having 2 toys, he might become the toy of the two women. Talk about some pressure to measure up! An amusing idea, at least to me. Even if only in my dreams. And when I originally contemplated polygamy, this was what I had in mind (being chummy with #1, which I certainly am).
Bottom line is the women understand each other in ways that men never will understand their women. Would be so nice if we cultivated this as our strength instead of spending our mental energy disliking each other.
October 29th, 2009 on 7:14 AM
hmm. i reccomend(sp way off) everyone take a look at this malaysian classic movie Madu Tiga (3 wives). It is a comedy starring the great P. Ramlee. It is a good commentary on poligamy. It’s all about telling the truth. No hiding. enjoy
November 5th, 2009 on 7:06 AM
Hi rashid,
Thanks for the reco. I took a look at the clip of Madu Tiga (3 wives)on youtube. The tiny bit that I saw was quite comical.
I’d rather a person not tell me anything at all than tell me lies. But then is omission lying as well? You know the cliches: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” and “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you know lies.” The later one is what I tend to go by. Why ask questions when you know all you’ll get is lies or part of it will be?
November 5th, 2009 on 7:34 AM
My $.02:
Omission is lying when it hides something important.
It takes away from the uninformed party the ability to make a good choice for themselves based upon the facts at hand. Someone may not like the truth, but at least they can respect it and deal with it.
Not so in the other case.
November 5th, 2009 on 6:19 PM
JeanneT,
I like your $.02. It’s worth a pound of gold.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
November 28th, 2009 on 7:05 AM
Your situation (like everyone else’s) is what it is. And it seems that you are making the best of it. You are allowing it to make you better not bitter. And perhaps life is all about the experience so we learn and grow and become better children of God.
There is no perfect people yet and therefore no ideal situations. They are what they are. When we hold on to unrealistic ideals and expectations we set ourselves up for disappointment.
Ana as far as your religious suppositions go – ideally, if you wanted a devoted Muslim husband you should have found one that already was and married him. But you didn’t. Ideally Alex shouldn’t have married you if he could not fully embrace Islam but he did anyway.
Ideally, he should have gotten your consent before choosing another wife but he didn’t. It should have been a heartfelt cooperative endeavor but it wasn’t. He evidently used the idea of Polygamy embraced by your religion and claimed he was now a Muslim so he could have a relationship with another woman – knowing that you would have to accept it.
If you read my blog you will come to realize that I am not bound by religious laws even though I believe in God and consider myself to be a very devout and spiritual person. To me God is LOVE. I try to let love govern me – not religious laws – nor my selfish desires.
When it comes down to it – is that not what you are actually doing in order to cope with this situation and be happy? If not completely yet, to a greater and greater degree as time goes on? And the more you do that the greater your happiness will be and the better your marriage will be.
November 29th, 2009 on 12:45 AM
Curtis Farmer,
You summed up my situation accurately and precisely in a nutshell. Hearing you say what you said about Alex and me makes everything clearer. The more I hear it, the more real it is. I’m just wondering if there’s real hope for him and me when the foundation our marriage was built on was so weak, like that of a spider’s house.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 4th, 2010 on 9:45 AM
Salam Ana!
You are an amazing human being! I have been going through your blog and was addicted to it for a few days. Just decided to leave a comment.
I am single (but ever ready to mingle
). i see polygamy as something odd. But, as you quite rightly pointed out that its a sunnah. in fact if you look at all the notable men in history, you will realize that most of them were in fact polygnous. However, it is definitely not every man’s piece of cake. Polygamy requires a lot of hikmah or wisdom which most men lack. lol!
But even if they have the wisdom and money to burn, women need quality time something that most people (even religious scholars) forget. Unfortunately in today’s world we all struggle to find time even to remember Allah and or to look after ourselves/ In 2009 (now 2010) it’s almost impossible for a normal man with a decent job and a good income to manage more than one wife. Here is a conservative weekly schedule
sleep = 8 x 7 = 56
commuting = 2 x 7 = 14
work (9 to 5 job) = 8 x 5 = 40
bathing/dressing + prayers = 1 x 7 = 7
meals + tv + net + hobby = 3 x 7 = 21
total time spent = 138 hrs
total time available = 7 x 24 = 168 hrs
that leaves 30 hrs per week of free time for a normal man. There maybe parents, children, friends, other relatives which take their cut and leave little time for a couple to relax alone. Now if you add a second (or third) wife into the picture it gets scary!?
In the past, things were different and women were pretty low maintenance so polygamy was easy. Today, unless you’re a millionaire (or your dad is one), it’s impossible to do justice to a wife (if you are practicing polygny) in terms of time and attention that she needs!
January 4th, 2010 on 10:11 PM
Wasalaam Abdur Rafay Zafar! Welcome to polygamy 411. I’m so happy you’ve joined us and commented.
Thank you so much for doing the math and sharing your formula with us. It’s the first time I’ve come across anything done that way before. That’s a fascinating breakdown. Your findings were quite interesting to say the least. I truly believe it’s virtually impossible for polygamous men with wives living in separate households to meet all the needs of their wives in 2009, especially if they have three or four wives, with children. That’s an entire post or posts all to it/themselves (about the children).
The only reason Alex could afford another wife, Carolinah, is because I’m using some of my monies to pay for things that he should in Islam. When it was just him and me, I didn’t mind. In fact Alex wanted to pay for everything and expressed that before we got married. I’m like, why should he do that? I could spend my money too and he’d have more for him to do whatever. Little did I know he’d end up spending it on another wife.
I could easily tell Alex now that he must take over everything monetarily like he’s supposed to in Islam, but I just can’t bring myself to do that. So, Carolinah needs to just shut up all her complaining and thank Allah that Alex is there for her monetarily and to sex her up. She should be grateful to Allah that I don’t divorce him either, as he wouldn’t be able to afford her any longer and pay for a costly divorce, as well. Wow, you opened the door for me to vent a bit. I guess I needed that. Thank you, Abdur Rafay Zafar.
Oh, by the way, you probably are getting a wealth of information about relationships that would be useful when you opt not to be single any longer lol. Please check out our new marriage site when it’s up and running. It’s pretty much ready…we’re just having a difficult time trying to find a decent design. It goes without saying, presentation is important.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 4th, 2010 on 10:32 PM
Salaam,
Yes I agree. Unless one is exceptionally wealthy and can afford Bradgelina servants for example, it is impossible for men to practice polygamy in separate households sucessfully.
That is why a single houshold is best, but only with compatible sister wives who’ve left cat-fighting to lesser evolved hominids (eh eh!).
There are exceptions, and these are often professional women who are incompatible but independent and wish to remain so.
As for leaving Alex off the hook of responsibility. Well …. that’s within your right, but I suggest you stop bragging about it Ana … it’s demeaning your husband, even though it’s true. We really don’t need to know, and you really shouldn’t take ironic pride in it’s permitting him to “sex her up” as it were. Hmmmm …. dirty laundry isn’t it ??
Oh well …. I get the ‘feeling’ that since families are no longer permitting the laundry’s discussion within the privacy of their own four walls, that we’re a kind of substitute here for this otherwise natural cathartic practice.
Wasalaam,
(Uncle) dr omar
January 4th, 2010 on 11:55 PM
You know Ana, I am kind of stuck on this comment too:
“I could easily tell Alex now that he must take over everything monetarily like he’s supposed to in Islam, but I just can’t bring myself to do that”
but for reasons different than those dr omar has just expressed. I’d rather not say why at the moment, I’d rather just bring it to your attention. I do feel that there is a key, hidden in that complex of behavior/will that may be helpful to you, if you bring it out.
best,
j
January 5th, 2010 on 1:05 AM
Judith, I apologize, but I’m not quite sure I understand the question. In reading over the sentence that I wrote, I think where I placed the word “now” may be causing the confusion. I’ll try to explain what I meant and if I didn’t understand you and I didn’t answer your question, please let me know.
My understanding is that in Islam a man is supposed to provide all his wife’s needs. During the time of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), I don’t think it entailed much to provide for a wife or wives. The provisions probably consisted of food, clothes, and an apartment…maybe a camel too. I’m just guessing. I ask Allah to forgive me for anything I say that is wrong. Of course in 2010, the provisions are much more, house, car, insurance, expensive dental work (movie star smile), huge flat screen TV, whatever etc, etc. etc. Like Abdur Rafay Zafar said, one would have to be a millionaire to practice polygamy properly today.
A woman in Islam can at anytime forego her provisions, but if at any time she wants to invoke her rights and begin receiving her provisions, she can. When I met Alex, like I said, I agreed to share expenses, pay for some of my own things, for example: my clothes, my car, my car insurance, all personal things etc. He pays the essentials. Everything was OK until he decided to take his extra money that he didn’t have to spend on me and decided to spend it on getting another wife, Carolinah, and providing for her.
If I wanted to, (if Allah permitted me to), I could invoke my rights, right now, and require Alex provide all my needs, starting this moment. Should I do that, it would take just about all the monies that he is giving Carolinah. He wouldn’t be able to provide for her any longer. He’d have to divorce her or she would have to agree to accept no monies from him and stay married that way. On the other hand, Alex could divorce me. I still don’t lose, as Alex would have to pay me more than he’s currently paying me, for many years, plus pay an attorney and go through years of divorce proceedings, which will drain his finances and he won’t be able to support Carolinah. He’ll have to give me back all the monies that he’s given her in the last three years, according to my attorney.
I don’t feel comfortable invoking my rights out a hatred and revenge, which would be the only reason I would be invoking my right at this time. I didn’t have a need to do it before so why now?
I’ve had discussions with Alex, advising him that it would be my right to invoke my rights. He’s aware and acknowledges it all. I believe he’s working on increasing his means so that he could provide everything for me and hold onto Carolinah.
I hope I answered your question, Judith. If not, don’t hesitate to inquire further.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 5th, 2010 on 1:21 AM
Yes, that was helpful Ana. I think I’d better try to explain what was on my mind. I’ll try to do that tomorrow. I don’t know what time it is where you are, here it is 1:15 AM, and I’m only up because I drank too much tea… Sweet dreams!
January 18th, 2010 on 3:27 AM
I’m really intrigued by this topic actually. Why do men engage in polygamy? Are we men really born with the desire for more than one women, of which one of the solution is by having multiple wives? Or is it something than men have to conquer in order to achieve a higher level of iman? Maybe if we try to understand this we might somehow understand why Allah swt allows polygamy
January 20th, 2010 on 11:48 PM
Why do men engage in Polygamy? For the same reason I joke about engaging in it with multiple husbands.
In today’s world, there is no reason a woman can’t take on multiple husbands too. DNA solves the only one unanswered question; parentage. Really, haven’t the roles reversed?
As a woman, i really could use maintenance from more than one man; One as the pool boy, One as the house maid, one as the driver, one as the food prep. The arguments for polygamy hold, and while I have trivialized their potential roles, polygamy could work for either sex. EXACTLY, the same arguments hold for each sex.
That being said, It is not for me.
I am on the knifes edge of Polygamy. I insist if he is as miserable with his wife as he maintains (separated 2 years now), divorce her. He maintains, it will bring shame upon her, and she pleas for no divorce. His solution; polygamy. My solution: I am odd(wo)man out. I throw in the towel.
Is there a compromise in my future? I don’t know, the drama continues.
Polygamy seems to parallel a recent book and movie, “He’s just not that into you”
The underlying theme is: While you are wasting your time on someone who is not fully into you, You are loosing the chance with someone who is.
Somehow, my brain keeps returning to these type thoughts.
Polygamy seems to support the thought process, of “I love MOST everything about you…… except this, and this, and this. But thankfully, wife # 2 isn’t this way”.
I think polygamy, it has evolved into this today, which is in my opinion grotesquely different from the polygamy of 1500 years ago.
It will be forever debated, and contested; and has only the solution in your heart as guided by your religion. We unfortunately, haven’t the option to go back and ask for Clarification.
January 21st, 2010 on 7:26 PM
I get so annoyed upon hearing men give lame excuses for not leaving their wives. The way I see it, they don’t leave because they don’t want to. It’s as simple as that. When I was non-Muslim, I knew a girl (non-Muslim) who was 19 yrs. old. She was dating a much older married man. He said he’d leave his wife when his kid graduate high school. The kid graduated high school and he didn’t leave. Then he said he’d leave his wife once the kid graduated college. The kid never went to college. She insisted he leave his wife and they marry. Guess what? He advised her that he wasn’t going to leave his wife. He gave a pathetic excuse that if he left his wife for her, he’d leave her (the mistress/girlfriend) for someone else. She was with that man for 10 years. She eventually left him when she found someone else she liked better.
It’s a typical scenario. Those men aren’t as miserable as they pretend to be…bottom line. They just want what they want and say whatever to get it.
The only thing I can say EgyptianLovingAmerican, is that you have to determine whether you want to stay with him and accept the wife or move on. I know it’s far from easy to decide. We like hearing how much a man is miserable with his wife and wants out, but until he actually gets out…I wouldn’t want to hear it.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 21st, 2010 on 7:51 PM
Yes, Amina, somebody peed in my cheerios this morning
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 22nd, 2010 on 12:16 PM
Perhaps some of you were wondering what my “I’m mad as hell” comment above was about. In reading the last comment I sent to EgyptianLovingAmerican, I’m sure you sense I was a bit agitated. I was having one of those moments (not even days) and was jumping all over people LOL. I remember being kind of frank and rough with Amina on her blog one day and she asked if someone had peed in my cheerios that morning. I thought about Amina and the frame of mind that I was in at the moment, which spark my little comment. So, there you have it
I’m sorry EgyptianLovingAmerican for being way harsh
.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 22nd, 2010 on 6:59 PM
Ana,
I did not notice you were being harsh. I took it that you sensed my frustration and were in agreement with me.
He has his first visit to see me in the USA in a few weeks. My work takes me that way often.
This is an absolute make or break time for us. I could see time passing away, that soon might become 10 years like the woman you described. I am eager for my future, but not at the expense of polygamy. It is allowed, but not mandated. Fundamentally, it is too much of a stretch for me to think peace and harmony can exist in my life with it. I know me.
Can someone tell me what this means?
He told me he and his wife discussed divorce. He said. I told a lie. I told my wife I was already married to you. When I asked why, he said this is what he feels. What is my correct response to this…. What am I missing here?
I think I do not have clarity of thought with this man, and need some outside guidance.
Is he telling me this to convince me to agree to the polygamy?
January 23rd, 2010 on 9:43 AM
ELA, you said:
“Can someone tell me what this means?”
If I understood what you said next, and the rest of the story that you have revealed, it means that you are considering choosing a liar for a husband.
January 23rd, 2010 on 1:19 PM
EgyptianLovingAmerican,
A thing that he should be conscious of is that in Islam there is no dating. He should say, for instance, look you and I must marry or go our separate ways. Instead, he chooses to continue the relationship with you, knowing you are not receptive to polygamy and knowing he has no intention of leaving his wife.
So you’re left in limbo with this man who is benefiting from having you in his life while your life is chaotic and in turmoil. He, apparently is not going to be the one to dismiss you so, in essence, you’re going to have to end the relationship or remain in it until you can get out of the grip he has you in. You already said you don’t want to end up like the woman I was telling you about. Perhaps you must remain in the relationship for whatever reason. Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse, only God knows.
Like Judith said, one thing you know is that he lies. So, I wouldn’t give much weight to what he says to you.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 26th, 2010 on 7:02 PM
I do agree with Ana on the “dating” part. If a man feels the he has an intention for another women, he has to take the correct step in making the intention “halal” or close that door shut.
But the problem for a man to put forward his good intention is that most woman can’t accept that his man have polygamous inclination.
August 28th, 2010 on 4:57 PM
Ramadhan Karim Mubarak. Bismi-lah. Your putting too much of your personal business and your husband’s business in the public. I’d couldn’t say I was truely surprised in the age we live in if your husband knew you were doing this;but it’s a problem. If one of my wives put our business on display on the internet for the world to see, I’d either give here a severe chastising or outright divorce on the spot. Muslimahs, guard in your husbands absence what Allah swt would have you guard. Salaams
August 28th, 2010 on 11:59 PM
Light, ASA
You made reference to the West as being a bad influence on many. The West should not be blamed for anything. Satan is in the East and the West. Where ever you turn Satan is there. Allah has said dessert Arabs are more incline to hypocrisy.
Again, I say in reference to your allegation that Ana exposes her husband’s faults, no one knows who her husband is. Her husband and his wives names are fictitious for the purpose of this blog. They have fictitious names, although their acts are real. So no fault can be found in Ana for what she writes about her husband, and his wives.
Those individuals that post here on the blog in a sense are not exposing anyone. No one on the blog should be chastised or discouraged from speaking out on the blog. To discourage such could be construed as a means of silencing the voices of women and hiding injustices caused to them.
Ali
August 29th, 2010 on 4:03 AM
Ramadhan Karim Mubarak. Bismi-lah. Ali, or whoever you are. Why is the focus on negative always? “Those individuals that post here on the blog in a sense are not exposing anyone. No one on the blog should be chastised or discouraged from speaking out on the blog. To discourage such could be construed as a means of silencing the voices of women and hiding injustices caused to them”.
Ali
You stand by your right to say what you’ve said and I stand by mine. Don’t construe anything. What I said is clear and to the point. Her(just like your)identity can’t be acquired if someone really cared enough to find out. That’s not the point. If nobody should be discouraged from making comments why does mine that doesn’t agree with yours have to be discouraged? Would you want your wife/wives devulging your family business online even in cognito? You do what you want. I spoke about myself and my wife/wives. Baraka lah fiq.
August 29th, 2010 on 4:20 AM
Ramadhan Karim Mubarak. Bismi-lah. Ali, I strongly disagree with you that the West shouldn’t be blamed for anything. Yes Shaitan is everywhere but why in the end is Shaitan and his/her minions going to hell if they shouldn’t be blamed? Allah swt blames them!Wrong should be blamed though you or I don’t have to follow it.That would and does put the blame on us. But the West should indeed be blamed. What about Iraqi women being raped in Western prisons in Iraq? Also Afghani women being raped in Western prisons in Afghanistan? The West shouldn’t be blamed? Which so-called Muslim are you? The one that is so in love with apparent Western goodies and lifestyle that they can’t find at home, that the West(Jannah for them)can do no wrong? When Imam Al-Mahdi and Esa(Jesus)return they will be fighting against that system and they will be calling them terrorists. And so will you! Enjoy your Western lifestyle for a time;but you muslims enamored with the West are getting and going to get a clear wake up call if you haven’t already. The hell you find in the East is from leaders following and going along with the Western agenda. Allah swt help us. Anyway, this is about polygamy and relationships, etc.
August 29th, 2010 on 4:57 AM
Ramadhan Karim Mubarak. Bismi-lah. Men engage in polygamy for all the reasons that the sunnah of Prophet Mohammed said and allows. You really don’t know the answer to that question ladies? Most of you attribute it to the common denominator(sex)but I know for sure for the sincere man of religion that is not the only reason. Let’s also be honest, it is a big factor. Allah swt says in Qu’ran men love the joys that come from women. You ladies know that. Then there are all the other reasons, sterility and barreness, and many others. What does 2009 have to do with it? Has man’s nature changed? It’s a remedy for excess women in society that would and do become a problem for that society. We all know these things. The Prophet said in the last days you would see fifty(50) women needing to be looked after by one man. Only four are legal for him except what his right hand posseses(malakat aiman)in Qu’ran. So what should the other women do? I have a question for you muslimahs? Why are you all so selfish to allow your sisters to suffer without a husband when we are instructed in Islam to love for your brother what you love for yourself? That includes sister as well. Women will ask their husband to divorce another wife out of jealous and envy. Ask their husbands to do something that Allah swt has clearly forbidden in Qu’ran. He has ordered us not to leave women hanging. Not supporting her or caring for her, but also not divorcing her. But if you divorce a women with children are you not leaving her also hanging? Is she not being put to trial(fitna)severely? Women will do this to each other. So-called muslimahs. I know of a Muslim(now dead), where he came into millions from a wrongful death suit of one of his daughters. He then went to Morocco with his current wife and married another wife with his wife present and agreeing. He bought the new wife a home in Morocco as they already had one in the States. He returned with the current wife to the States. Later with his intention to return to the new wife in Morocco the current wife shot him in the head while he slept. Thereby killing her husband and depriving the new wife of her husband as well. You woman really have to get that jealousy bug under control. This is a true story and was in the papers in the States. How does that make polygamy and Islam look? Is that to be blamed on Islam or polygamy? Now this woman is in prison where you can be sure the hijab will be coming off her head, and she’ll probably be raped by the other women there. So shes in hell in this world and so is the new wife. There’s also a daughter that witnessed this event so what do you think her idea of polygamy will be? No doubt most men couldn’t handle his wife being with another man but that is also because it’s not mans nature. But Allah swt would not give that to women without also making an accomedation in their nature to be able to handle it. Men for sure would kill each other. That is the nature. Not all because we know of polyandry. But most. Some will say that isn’t fair because they have a kindergarten idea of fairness and justice;but Allah swt is ALL WISE. If you think like that about Allah swt as a premise, then the reasons and wisdom behind it are revealed. Allah swt bless us all with the light to see with two eyes, not one. Amin
August 29th, 2010 on 5:30 AM
@Light, you stated, “But the West should indeed be blamed. What about Iraqi women being raped in Western prisons in Iraq? Also Afghani women being raped in Western prisons in Afghanistan? The West shouldn’t be blamed? Which so-called Muslim are you?”
You question Ali’s status as a Muslim because he doesn’t blamed the West for things. Is that not ridiculous? If that’s the case, the West can blame the Middle East and Muslim countries, as well. What about all the Muslims in Iraq and Afghanistan that kill innocent Muslims and Believers – Muslims killing Muslims? What about the Muslim men that rape Muslim women in Pakistan and other countries and imprison them for being raped? What about the Muslims that fly themselves into buildings killing people that have done nothing to them. Yes the blog is about polygamy and relationships so why have you brought the West in, blaming it for all the ills inflicted on Muslims and for the condition of Muslims? Why do want to take us there?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 29th, 2010 on 8:04 AM
Ramadhan Karim Mubarak. Bismi-lah. I don’t see where I blamed the West for all the ills of muslims? What I find interesting though is your need to be the West’s lawyer. It is what it is. Do you find muslims in Western countries imprisoning Christians and raping their women? In mass? With muslim armies? I know there are many so-called muslims wronging each other and? Did I say it was right or something? Now I will directly blame the West clearly since you said I did. Now I’m telling you I am. They are directly responsible for most of the evils and mayhem in muslim countries overtly or covertly. And the so-called muslims that follow their way. Ask me what I mean if you don’t understand. In a short time you muslims enamored with the West will see how much they love you. It’s a war against Islam. They are keeping the majority of muslims asleep by saying” it’s not a war against Islam, only against terrorists”, you’re not one of those you’re moderate. Means accept to follow their ways. But the majority of people don’t categorize in that way. It ‘s easier to just lump all muslims into the terrorist box. Pay attention to what’s going on around you before it’s too late. PS. Prove that muslims did 911! Even that’s been covered up. If you believe it thats on you. Even many non-muslims don’t believe it. Too much evidence suggests otherwise. Allah swt help us. Amin
August 29th, 2010 on 8:22 AM
Ramadhan Karim Mubarak. Bismi-lah Ms Egyptianlovingamerican. Your getting yourself into a box of confusion. If you’re not a muslimah it’s understandable. He is a muslim and sex outside of marriage is completely forbidden so if you’ve already touched you’ve already gone too far. If you haven’t then you better make sure the ring goes on the finger before anything else happens. If you’ve already touched the problem is your going to catch feelings and it will cloud your vision. If you already know you can’t stomach polygamy then whats the need to go further. Run, get out, escape do whatever you have to do because it’s to get confused and bungled up. He’s also not being straight if what you said is true he just wants the stuff. Clear! If a muslim man has already touched you and it’s against his religion run! If not and you can stomach polygamy make sure marriage is first. Don’t follow the Western model and be alone with each other and all that because your going to touch. He will have milked the cow without having to pay and no need to put the ring on the finger. You women know this stuff. I’m not calling women cows either for those that critique every single word. You know what I mean. Salaams
August 29th, 2010 on 11:55 AM
As Salaam Alaikum,
I am not trying to redirect the blog to this topic, but I want to speak on it briefly and hopefully tie it in to polygamy.
To a certain extent I agree with Light in relationship to the WEST being to blame. Here in the states I too believe it is the epicenter (if there is such one) where EVIL resides. I agree with Ali and Ana that it is EVERYWHERE and atrocities occur in all countries. However, here in the states it and the lifestyle is perpetuated and is considered normal.
Pursuit of material wealth, no spirituality (except Christianity in spurts when its convenient to pass a bill) and lets remember the Christianity that THIS country was built on justified slavery and the mistreatment of minorities for YEARS. And still justifies mistreatment, abuse and degradation of women and children.
This country teaches and preaches that anything other than its belief is wrong (especially Islam).
This is a large part of why there are so many women that don’t have husbands but yet have children. And so many are under the poverty level….it teaches that “I don’t need a man” mentality — did Allah not create us to be a helpmeet? I digress because I don’t want to make it about this topic but I certainly understand (if I am correct in what he’s saying) why he feels that way….
In other countries there are things that aren’t righteous happening as well…but here in the states its a way of life, not just an occurrence.
Men in this country get away with making babies, cheating on their wives and mistreating women in general….Marriage whether monogamous or polygamous isn’t a pillar. Its not advocated.
Polygamy is needed her in the states completely. We are in “that time” spoken of in the Quran (reasons for taking additional wives)….the US meets the criteria but they will never allow it….just allow a man to marry one woman and cheat on her and produce children excessively (then force him through the courts to take care of his offspring)…sad state of affairs!
Just my thoughts —
Mrs.#2