No Ramadan or Eid Spirit in My Home
by ana on May.27, 2009, under my story today
The lack of enthusiasm from Alex, during Ramadan presented itself once again. There was no Ramadan or Eid spirit in my home this year. Alex displayed no happiness or excitement for Ramadan or the Eid. Eid ul Fitr is one of the two biggest Islamic celebrations of the year. Enthusiasm and excitement for Ramadan had never been there for Alex, as long as I’ve known him. It has gotten worse since he married Carolinah.
I became apprehensive when Ramadan approached this year, knowing Alex’s sentiments or lack of sentiments for Ramadan. I had anxiety about whether Alex would preferred being with Carolinah, prefer being at her home with non-Muslims where he didn’t have to concern himself about Ramadan. He could eat during the day if he wanted to. I felt terribly inadequate. I think I even felt myself wanting Ramadan over quickly. I felt the burden of Ramadan on Alex, which so placed a burden on me.
Alex and I didn’t read Quran together, didn’t study together, didn’t worship together or do any of those things during Ramadan this year. We didn’t discuss Islam. He came home right when it was time to break our fast or after it. He’d take his food and break his fast, which seemed like he’d grab a date and sip some water in passing, no reflection about what we had done throughout the day, that we had foregone food and drink – nothing. Don’t get me wrong; we ate breakfast and dinner together, during Ramadan when we were together, but it felt like any other usual breakfast or dinner.
Alex asked me why I could use the computer during the day and he couldn’t watch TV? I advised him that the use of the computer was part of my work. I advised him not to let me prevent him from watching TV, during the daylight hours. With that, he only watched TV in the morning while I was sleeping.
There was no excitement from him at the end of Ramadan either. I text messaged Carolinah yesterday on the day of Eid. I said, “Eid Mubarak!” “Happy Eid!” I received no response from her. Carolinah has never said she was Muslim. Maybe Carolinah, Alex’s and my relationship is not polygamy, as others have commented before.
Is my husband Alex hindering me from the path of Allah with his love for this worldly life, and lack of concern for the Hereafter?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
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September 22nd, 2009 on 2:33 PM
I’m very intrigued by your posts.. Mashaa’allah I admire your spirit, and your upholding of what’s most important in this life: Allah’s pleasure.
I’m not really expecting sympathy from you, but I’m in a situation where I’m contemplating polygamy, but wondering if I’m up for it. It’s very complicated. Is there a way we can chat?
September 22nd, 2009 on 5:13 PM
As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah Ana.
On the occasion of Eid al Fitr, taqqabal Allah minna wa minkum!
You seem to be emerging from this Ramadan with great clarity and focus regarding what is important to you and to a relationship.
I do not believe there is any basis for a relationship without a deep and sincere desire for each party to want the other to obey and please Allah and be blessed with Jennah. That is love.
As the clouds dissipate and you are left with clear reality, you may find that to stay in your marriage with Alex means to “go it alone” religiously. That is a very sad and dangerous prospect. I’ve been there and as time went by I found myself feeling ever stronger resentment, disgust, and disrespect for the man I was “married” to. It took me years to finally leave and I had a clear and serious criteria when I looked for a husband again.
I always remember the hadith that says be careful about the company you keep/who you befriend, for you are on the deen of your companions. How does that fare with a husband who has put Allah on a back burner in some distant kitchen?
I’m putting my whole reliance on Allah to guide you to Him and clarity. As I read your words, it seems that your path is unfolding before you. Insha’Allah keep your heart and mind open and you will have the answers yourself.
I love you, my dear sister.
September 22nd, 2009 on 9:39 PM
Hedaya, Hi and welcome! I’m glad you’ve joined us. I’m hoping you could get an in-depth look into some of the things you might expect from a life of polygamy by visiting here as well as with some of our blog friendly friends. Their links are under “Blog Friends at Polygamy 411.” As I’m sure you’re aware, not all polygamous relationships are the same.
It would really be good if you could ask questions on the blog, as I’m sure your questions will help others and others besides me could probably help you as well. As much as I would like to chat with you directly one on one, it would become overwhelming for me to do so with so many people. To protect your identity, I’d suggest you create a stage name with Google or Yahoo to communicate with anonymity.
I look forward to hearing from you again soon, Hedaya.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 22nd, 2009 on 9:52 PM
Mai, Wa Alaikum As Salaam my dear sister. Eid Mubarak. I pray you had a rewarding, blessed Ramadan. I always appreciate hearing from you. I probably have already said I admire your wisdom, insight, and knowledge. You’ve been tremendously helpful not only to me, but to many, many others, as well; I’m certain of that. I pray Allah SWT continues to bless you immensely for all the dawah that you share with so many.
Thank you for helping me with the reply to Dana. I could not have answered more succinctly and thoroughly.
I see clearly from hearing from you that my Ramadan, although lacking a certain amount of spirit, was rewarding for me at the same time. I truly believe I received much clarity and focus, as you’ve said.
I love you, my dear sister! Lots of hugs for you…
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 23rd, 2009 on 4:45 AM
I’ve probably missed a few important tid bits here and there since I don’t get around to reading all your updates. Curious though, why are you in this marriage in the first place? Are you emotionally tied to your husband? Got kids? What?
September 23rd, 2009 on 1:34 PM
Hi there Sage. You asked why I am in my marriage. I’m in it for the following reasons:
Alex and I are from the same socio-economic background.
Alex is financially stable, which adds to the comfort of my life, although I would be able to maintain myself without his monies.
Alex and I have the same interest in travel, movies, theater, dining out, fitness and exercise, etc.
Alex and I are sexually compatible.
Alex shows me that he loves me and I feel that he does. He is very romantic and affectionate. On occasions, he brings me flowers, light candles, etc. He cooks dinner for me every night that he’s with me unless we make other arrangement, for example, I bring something home or we dine out.
Alex and I have no biological children by choice. We just don’t want any.
Problem:
Alex and I aren’t spiritually compatible. My spirituality is the most important thing to me. This life is most important to Alex. Alex didn’t leave me to be with Carolinah. He fled from Islam. He doesn’t have to worry about her waking him up for prayer in the a.m. etc.
I had become very bitter towards Alex as I felt I was deceived by him. He presented himself as wanting to serve Allah and practice Islam when in fact it wasn’t true.
Was Carolinah and Alex’s union based on Islam? No. Did he go about engaging in polygamy the proper way? No.
I hope that shed some light on why I’m with Alex.
Thank you for the question, Sage.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 24th, 2009 on 6:37 AM
A well organized answer, that’s great.
How was Alex’s polygamy not done in the proper way?
It looks like you and Alex have a lot going in common, on many levels other than spirituality. I’ve had that very similar issue with my wife, but the opposite was true.
Is his lack of spirituality directly affecting yours? Is he creating doubts within you about your beliefs?
Do you have good friends that you could be around often to help your spiritual state?
I can only think of two things you can do if you choose to remain in the marriage: 1- Dedicate some intense prayers for his spirituality to improve, and do so with full certainty that all prayers are answered. 2- Direct him towards the company of men that would have a positive influence on him.
If you decide to remain in the marriage, dwell on the reality Pharoah’s wife had to live with and how she handled it. It could help some.
September 24th, 2009 on 4:13 PM
Hi there, Sage. Your questions are very helpful. They encourage me to think, contemplate and reflect about my life. Thank you much!
Alex did not go about polygamy in the proper way, first of all, because he took a second wife without Islam being the basis for his decision. Alex was discontent with me and what I represented to him-Islam; therefore he turned to a non-Muslim woman with whom he had previously had an affair. They apparently wanted to be together, and decided if she become Muslim and they got “married”, they could have a relationship without me objecting.
Secondly, Alex did not consult with me beforehand about his desire to practice polygamy. He and Carolinah made their plans and Alex informed me of them. In Islam we are to conduct our affairs with mutual consultation. Alex didn’t give me any time to consider his decision. He didn’t discuss with me how I’d cope. We didn’t discuss the effect it would have on our finances, how polygamy would affect us, how his decision would impact his and my marriage. He didn’t discuss any of that with me.
There is no compulsion in Islam; nonetheless, Alex told me that he was going to marry Carolinah and I could not divorce him as I had no grounds.
Alex’s lack of spirituality is directly affecting mine. Before he married Carolinah, I had turned my attention away from Alex and spent most of my time and energy studying and practicing Islam with my best friend/wali and his wife whom I consider my “family” for twenty some odd years. When Alex “married” Carolinah, I instantly turned my attention to Alex and our new situation. I turned away from my “family.” I found myself wanting to divert my attention away from Islam and not speak of Islam in Alex’s presence as much in an effort to win Alex back…things of that nature.
Whenever I tried to discuss Islam with Alex, he always rejected what I said, making me doubt my knowledge and understanding. I have concluded it wise not to speak with Alex about Islam, if at all possible, as I have undoubtedly began to doubt my belief, which my “family” has picked up on, as well.
You gave me very good suggestions. I intend to pray intensely for Alex’s spirituality to improve. I have hardly prayed for him at all, as I believed he never wanted guidance. The only person that I could direct Alex to is my friend and I have done that. Alex despises him; I believe out of envy.
I intend to seek out information on Pharaoh’s wife, as I think it would be helpful to me. Thank you for encouraging me to do that.
How are you coping with your marriage and the difference in the level of spirituality that exist between you and your wife, if you don’t mind me asking?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 24th, 2009 on 10:56 PM
Ana
My husband fasted all ramadan, made huis prayers and left home on Sunday after the Eid and went to meet his girlfriend. I called the courthouse today and sahe is still legally married to her husband. If she had a ceremony with my husband 15 years ago as she claims it is not legal. They spent time together from 1992 to 1996 when they broke up. After 12 years apart they met again and started fooling around. I have not heard from him again since Sunday night it is now Thursday night and I am very angry, He does not answer his cell phone for anyone. I have really had it this time. I love him but I can no longer live like this. He does not want a divorce. I am going to see a divorce attorney. I know how you feel. My husband had this plan to run off and be with his mistress.
September 25th, 2009 on 12:23 AM
Hi Renee,
I can only imagine how anxious, upset and angry you are about what is happening. I would probably feel like I was going crazy waiting and waiting, not knowing when he’ll return home. Although you’re angry at him, I’m sure you must be worried as well, concerned about whether he’s OK and nothing happened to him.
It is just so inconsiderate of anyone to keep someone who loves them worrying and wondering like this. My hearts goes out to you, as I truly believe I know how you must feel. It hurts badly.
It probably would give you peace of mind to see an attorney, even if only for a consultation so you can hear from him/her what your recourse is and what remedies and option you have. I felt much better after I consulted with an attorney…much, much, better. Although you know you have a way out, it’s always good to hear it from a professional.
Try to keep yourself as busy as you can right now, doing extra house cleaning, getting fall clothes out and things like that, just to calm yourself down and get you through this. I know if he’d just come home, you’d feel much better. Not having any way to reach him is agonizing I’m sure.
Try to stay strong Renee. Hang in there. You’ve made it this far. You’re going to be OK. Stay focused on Allah and keep remembering Him much.
I pray Allah relieve you of your burden, dispose of your affairs towards comfort and ease and give you peace.
September 27th, 2009 on 8:02 AM
Ana,
I had thought that if I lesson my spirituality I would be able to help pick me wife up. I cut down a lot of what I did so that I minimize the gap that was between us, and although that helped temporarily it was definitely not the solution. I learned that the opposite is true, that by getting more spiritual, by striving harder inwardly, I was turned into a means that gave her the spiritual boost she needed. Praying has profound spiritual effects (coupled with bettering one’s character obviously).
Intense prayer for my wife has, time and time again, gotten great results. Not always at the time I expected, since the art of patience doesn’t come so quick, but with results better than I expected.
That’s the reality of the Divine; the higher your expectations are, the more the Divine bestows upon you.
Praying for those you love is no insignificant matter. If anyone wishes to tread the path of sincerity with the Divine, then one needs to follow the path of light that was laid forth. An essential means by which one develops sincerity with the Divine is to love for others what you love for yourself.
And if you’re sincere with your love and devotion to the Divine, then you’d love that others share in it as well. Who else is more worthy of being given a gift you deem precious other than those closest to you?
Keep the prayers going on a daily basis. You may be the anchor your husband needs when your prayers are answered and reality sets in.
Sage
September 27th, 2009 on 9:07 PM
Sage, I relate to what you said; you said cutting back on your spirituality (please correct me if I’m wrong) was a temporary fix, so to speak, but definitely wasn’t the solution for helping your wife. You said the opposite was beneficial, increasing your spirituality. I’m beginning to see that now myself in my marriage. How foolish I was to believe I could turn away from the Divine towards Alex and things would be better. So I’m trying to turn towards the Divine, seeking good results like you. I believe I will get them.
I need more patience though. That’s what I could use a whole lot more of. I’m working on that within myself and asking God to help me with it. You’re right; loving for others what we love for ourselves is key. I don’t know how that is going to play out with me wanting anything good for Carolinah; however, I think I could pray for good for Alex.
Thank you Sage for the good sound advice. I needed it. Keep up the good work you’re doing for your family and yourself. It’s admirable.
September 29th, 2009 on 11:54 AM
Hi Ana, I’ve been reading your blog and it really makes my heart hurt for you. You seem like an intelligent and capable lady, who is very devoted to your religion and Allah. I’m not a muslim and can’t imagine being in a polygamous relationship: But forgive me for commenting, what does Alex do for you? He forced you into this arrangement on the pretext of following Allahs plan, then he doesn’t support you or worship with you or even celebrate your big festival? Don’t you think he’s using Allah just as an excuse to sleep with two women? Sorry for being so blunt, my heart is with you x Sarah
October 1st, 2009 on 1:24 AM
Hi Sarah. First and foremost I want to thank you for being here and commenting. Welcome
I understand you not being able to imagine being in a polygamous relationship. I very well couldn’t imagine myself being in one either. There’s a vast difference between imagination and reality, as you know. I got a brutal taste of reality.
Being blunt works for me. We can all speak frankly here.I have no problem with anyone being direct, at least I haven’t yet.
It definitely does appear Alex has used Islam to his benefit, but if he keeps treading this path and doesn’t wake up to the seriousness of what he’s been doing, he will have a severe agony in this world and the next. That’s my understanding anyhow. There are serious consequences for straddling the fence, so to speak, in Islam. Although what has happened has been problematic for me, it ultimately boils down to being Alex’s problem more so.
You asked what Alex does for me. I like being married. When he’s not satisfying his own desires at my emotional and psychological expense, he’s a good guy.
Sarah, your comments and input is always welcome and valued here. Thank you much!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
October 1st, 2009 on 6:54 AM
Thanks for replying Ana.
As always, you sound a completely stable and clever woman.
I suppose as long as you do what you feel is right and you love Allah, then you have nothing to worry about in your next life. (Sorry I don’t know anything really about Islam. I’m not religious at all.) But it sounds like he’ll get his just desserts if he isn’t living his life for Allah.
Still sucks that you have to go through this in this life though.
Wow, you must be incredibly strong. It nearly makes me cry to think of myself having to go through what you have, but your spirit is just amazing. You are truly an inspiration to all women out there. I’m sure your Allah would be proud.
Lots of love, and blessings from me to you and yours. x
August 26th, 2011 on 2:32 AM
Alex and I both have matured tremendously, and have grown closer to one another, during our quest to meet our Lord. Alhumdullillah!
I pray everyone is having a blessed Ramadan, and will have a happy Eid celebration, Insha Allah.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.