Polygamy Hardship Eases
by ana on May.28, 2009, under my story today
I was so at ease with polygamy while I was away with Alex for the last few days. I felt as though my hardship with polygamy was actually softening. I prayed it was not just a passing phase, but a start of a new beginning. With hardship relief does come. With hardship there is ease.
Alex and Carolinah had scheduled a thirteen day vacation; therefore, I was preparing for it. So, to have him spring on me the invite for a mini vacation (business for him) made me feel very special. I really needed it. I welcomed the invite very much. It made me very happy.
The wonderful part about it is I barely thought about Carolinah the entire time I was gone. I mean, superficially she was on my mind, but not heavy-duty like before. Before, she used to haunt me in my thoughts all the time. Living polygamy with Carolinah as a part of my life constantly disturbed me. I wasn’t experiencing the disturbance now. No, I felt lighthearted and euphoric.
The only time during this trip that I got a bit perturbed was yesterday when we were out having dinner. Alex asked if I had the “schedule” with me. I asked, “What schedule?” I knew what he was referring to (our polygamous marriage schedule.) He said, “Our schedule.” I asked, “As in yours and mine?” He said, “Yes.” I could tell by his expression that he felt he had put his foot in his mouth. I said, “No,” thinking to myself, you Ass hole. I said, “No, I don’t walk around with that “schedule” on me.” I asked him why he asked, thinking he wanted to change something again. I felt the anger in me wanting to rise. He said he wanted to see what weekend he’d be home so we could clean the garage. I guess he has to schedule everything with Carolinah because she works. I advised him that we don’t have to schedule garage cleaning. We could just do it when we felt up to it. At least I didn’t fly off the deep end. I think I’m making progress, slowly but surely.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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travel 4 less!
June 28th, 2009 on 6:05 AM
Glad to hear it Ana! I can’t believe Alex asked if you had the ‘schedule’ while out to dinner though. Every 21st century polygamous husband should have a smart phone to tell them these sorts of things.
June 28th, 2009 on 11:39 AM
He’s a bit bazaar. I think I realized it before we got married. I overlooked a lot of stuff. I thought I’d deal with it later. What was important was becoming a princess for a day (my wedding day). I’m thinking about what I said-I thought I’d deal with it later. Well, I’m definitely dealing with it later (NOW).
March 16th, 2010 on 8:00 AM
I read your saying he was going to be with her for 13days, is this how your schedule works? I that when it came to the wives of the Prophet (PBUH) no is that each got a day, so for you it would be every other day. The prophet never went a day wail he was near to his home that he seen each of his wives making his way home to the one he would be with that night. Would this be to hard on your husband to be to you every other night or is this what you prefer? what if a emergency occurs, do you then give up or trade a day, and when it comes to Eid do you share it or lose out if it lands on her day. This is a problem we face here of sharing the Eids, Ramadans breakfast together or apart, Jummah and so on. I dont no why i feel if you turned it around in this way if she would get tired of it, he would see your doing more in accepting her as a co wife and he will look as her true self for her wrong doings when it concerns you. This is another way to please Allah to want for you sister what you want for yourself. I would really like to explain to you in some time on line how i deal with things here and to show you how it can give good and reversed effects to open the eyes of your husband, enable your life more and my be give him a better insight to his Islamic behavior or the lack of it. let me know what you think, as i feel we can help each other to gain more from Allah to better our selves, our lives, our marriages and our husbands behaviors. your sister always
March 16th, 2010 on 8:38 AM
He, Carolinah and me are on a three days schedule. He’s with her three days and then with me three; so it goes. He came up that schedule at the onset of our polygamous life. How? I don’t know.
She and I each get two seven days vacations with him a year or one fourteen days. She is coming up on a seven days vacation in about a week or so. Adding her three regularly scheduled days to the vacation, makes it ten days that she’ll receive and he’ll be away from me. I think the thirteen days that you referred to encompass her vacation, some makeup days and days she stole from me/he gave her.
She and he used to make the schedule as I couldn’t handle marriage on a schedule. I then pulled myself together and got on top of the situation. Now we have a very rigid schedule. Since she wants no parts of me and won’t even say “As Salaamu Alaikum” as directed by Allah, I am not accommodating to her at all. I refuse to be. I don’t work, so I can see Alex anytime. She works, weekends and holidays too, which interfere with her spending a lot of quality time with him. TOO BAD!!! If there was some sisterly love there, I might care.
I don’t think Alex could handle an every other day schedule. He has an hour commute each way to work and back. She and I live about a half hour from each other. With his business travels and all, I think it would become too exhausting for him to do a one day here and a one day there. He seems a bit exhausted at times as it is. Polygamy has take a slight toll on him; I believe. Managing two households can be quite stressful, although he doesn’t have much to do at my home other than show up cook a nice meal and chill.
Only Alex goes to Jumah. I don’t and I know Carolinah doesn’t go. If Alex is scheduled to be with me on an Eid day, I’m with him, otherwise I spend it with my Islamic family.
You said, “I would really like to explain to you in some time on line how i deal with things here and to show you how it can give good and reversed effects to open the eyes of your husband, enable your life more and my be give him a better insight to his Islamic behavior or the lack of it. let me know what you think, as i feel we can help each other to gain more from Allah to better our selves, our lives, our marriages and our husbands behaviors.”
If you are willing, I would love for you to explain to me and share with us how you “deal”. It would be ideal. Thus far, most everyone has just been hearing a lot from me, which is getting real old, and is very limiting. I’d love to learn from you and I think I can speak for others that they’d love to learn from you, as well. Please share. It would truly be a blessing for me and blessings for you; I pray. Thank you, Okhti.
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