Which Wife’s Turn is It?-a Polygamous Problem
by ana on May.30, 2009, under my story today
Is it common for husbands in polygamous marriages to get confused about the schedule, and wonder which wife’s turn it is? Well, I experienced it the other day with Alex.
Just to rehash what’s been going on-Alex was away at Carolinah’s (his other wife’s) house recovering from minor surgery for the last thirteen days. They were on vacation, as well. Alex came home to me, “officially”, late yesterday afternoon. I say “officially”, as I saw Alex a couple of times during his thirteen days away. I went with him to the medical facility for his surgery and I waited for him. Alex came by our home to see me for a couple of hours the other day, Wednesday (about one week after his surgery), as well. He stopped by after his doctor appointment. It was nice to see him.
The next day (Thursday), Alex telephoned me, and asked me to take something out the freezer for dinner. (OK, I’m baffled now. He’s not due home until tomorrow, Friday.) I advised Alex that he was not scheduled to come home until tomorrow. He sounded totally dumbfounded, and asked me if I was sure. Of course I was sure.
I asked Alex why he doesn’t program our marriage schedule into his Blackberry. He said it’s his work phone and he doesn’t want work to have ccess to that information. I understood. Anyhow, Alex waited while I checked the calendar, and confirmed his day with me was not until tomorrow (Friday).
That evening, I carefully perused our polygamous marriage schedule again and found another error. He had me scheduled for four days (at the end of this month) instead of my routine three days. Crazy, crazy, crazy…I emailed Alex, advised him of the error, and advised him to make sure he gets this schedule thing right, as the schedule is the main issue that had recently caused major problems in our polygamous marriage.
Which wife’s turn is it? Is that an occupational hazard for some husbands in polygamous marriages? Is it common for polygamous husbands to get confused about the schedule?
At least my husband’s other wife Carolinah can’t manipulate the schedule anymore. Do you think that stripped her of some power?
-
As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
July 11th, 2009 on 11:55 PM
As Salaamu Aalaykum,
Of course it stripped her of her power. However, if she was crafty enough to manipulate it before she may just find something else to use.
Alhamdulillah things seem to be good for you. A couple of months ago such conversations would have sent you over the deep end. BUT now Alhamdulilah it seems smoother and you seem more in control of your self. ws
July 12th, 2009 on 2:53 AM
Mine gets confused all the time but at least he thought it as your day. Wait until he is with you and thinks it is her day….that hurts….But yeah my hubby doesn’t have his even written down. Your schedule to me is a little confusing. I assume the two of you(wives) live quite a distance apart. My hubby stays 2 nights here and 2 nights there…it works well for us…..sometimes…..
July 12th, 2009 on 4:14 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum Umm Ibraheem,
She was very capable of manipulating the schedule, as making the work schedule for employees is what she does for a living. It’s a main part of her job description at work.
I was so focused on everything else going on in my marriage; I always pretty much dismissed the schedule, not wanting to deal with it. I woke up when it was right in my face; when she tried to take my anniversary days and July 4th weekend. With our marital schedule, she was putting days on the front, days on the back, makeup days, days due, advanced days, death days, days gifted…
Once my wali got involved and glanced at our schedule that Alex had shown him, my wali told me how ridiculous and unIslamic the schedule was. I then realized what had been going on. A lot of it was my fault for refusing to deal with the reality of making a schedule.
I’ve been wondering myself what she’ll attempt next.
You’re right. I am now much more controlled than a month or so ago. I was running about like a maniac before. Alhumdiallah, I’m feeling ease. You noticed
July 12th, 2009 on 4:42 AM
Ummabdur-rahmaan, it’s funny. When it happened I thought about you. I remembered you speaking of a similar situation on your blog.
Initially I thought Alex was just jerking me around, and had something up his sleeves. Then I kept thinking of you and thought well maybe it’s not uncommon.
At least you and your co-wife communicate and keep the schedule in order. I still can’t get to that point. Your two days schedule seem quite close together. I guess it’s all according to what we get used to.
Carolina and I live approximatly 40 minutes apart. Alex travels an hour and a half to get to me from work and an hour and 15 minutes to get to her from work.
July 16th, 2009 on 4:21 AM
Yeah see we live right down the street from one another. He tried to do every other day but that was just to much for him. So we do every 2 days and it works just fine most of the time…..
July 16th, 2009 on 7:20 PM
Ummabdur-rahmaan, living so close is very convenient for your husband, less of a burden on him. It’s nice that it’s possible for you and your husband to easily see each other every day; although it may not happen. I don’t know where Alex got the three days here, three days there schedule. I never asked him. I just assumed it was the norm. What do we really know about the norm of polygamy?
How do you like living so close to her? Well, the two of you at least are civil and communicate with each other. Those have to be good things living so close; otherwise, I’d suspect some heated situations could occur. Do your neighbors know?
July 17th, 2009 on 1:33 PM
Everybody knows. I am in a country where it is ok but even when I was in the states everyone knew. I have been married 7 1/2 years and the two of them have been married 14 or 15 years I forget. Anyway, his family knows and so does mine so its no big secret…..I like living close to her I wish I could live closer….I know that sounds crazy but seriously if we lived closer then there would not be that “I wonder what is going on….blah blah blah” stuff. Does that make sense? It takes the mystery out of it. I have a vivid imagination so for me personally it is better the closer we are so my imagination does nto get the better of me. I always assume they secretly hate me and that he only comes to my house because he is obligated and that she hates me too she is just nice to me for the sake of Allah…..Yeah crazy right??????
July 17th, 2009 on 5:53 PM
Ummabdur-rahmaan, although I don’t know you, your husband and her, there’s no way I believe he “hates” you. I think he’d divorce you, if he actually “hated” you. Divorce is so easy in Islam and many people divorce, regardless of how many children are involved or for whatever reason.
Yes, I truly believe he loves you. Does he love you more than her or vice versa? Now that might be the question. I think people (not husbands) in general use the saying, “I love them all the same”; “I love you all the same”- just to take the pressure off them. I think it is bull crap when they say that; I’m just sorry, if anyone doesn’t agree. I knew growing up as a kid and all my siblings knew as well that I was my mom’s favorite. Husband’s have favorites.
People say keep your enemy close to you. I believe in keeping my enemy far away from me. You and she don’t perceive yourselves as enemies, which I don’t believe you are. You communicate with each other and that must have created a bond. How strong is that bond?
Carolinah, I still don’t like her. To me, she is staunch enemy number one right now, unequivocablly…
How long did it take you to like her-his other?
July 18th, 2009 on 4:08 AM
Well he told me after 2 months of marriage and I cried for 2 days. Then I just got used to it I guess because he was with me. He didn’t travel to see her until we had been married over a year. And when he did go there he told her and she made the first step. She asked to talk to me. I was not going to push it. I decided that I was not going to push friendship on her….I hoped that we could at least be cordial with each other but I was not going to push that either. When he came back I wanted to rip her and his throats out(She left a giant Hickie on his chest, like marking her territory) but I just pushed it aside. Now it still buggs me but what can I do about it? It is in the past. So I guess me living with him for 6 years of our marriage as a monogamous couple(minus the few months a year he would go visit) helped me to better adapt to the situation. LOL I say that like I have adapted….when I first arrived here I had breakdowns like everyday…it was bad…now its more like once a week when I feel I have been treated disrespectfully or unfairly….So I don’t think of her as my enemy…..
July 18th, 2009 on 11:56 AM
Ummabdur-rahmaan, I could see how that hickie thing would disturb you. That’s rough. That was cool you got to spend six years with him alone, monogamous, not sharing. Just think of the women in polygamy who never had their own husband, never had monogamy, just polygamy. That alone must help keep you going. You were monogamous (although you knew about her there.), so to speak, for all those years.
Did you ever try to remember your six years of monogamy and think of her as the second wife? Think of your life with him as the beginning. I don’t think that’s being delusional. Do you think so? I wonder if anyone that is reading this disagrees with me.
Your frequent breakdowns lessened, which means you’re making progress. That’s the key. It’s probably common for us to have those mini breakdowns sometime during the course of our marriages, based on what were dealing with. Polygamy is not cake.
July 20th, 2009 on 1:26 AM
omg. I would just collapse in tears and crawl in to fetal position. That is messed up on so many levels. Umm abdurahman you are super woman.
I think that would have ended any hope of friendship with her. I probably would have given him one too and it probably would ignite a hicky war. lol. Hicky war. Were nobody wins…everyone is injured.