Unexpected Situations Occur in Polygamy
by ana on May.31, 2009, under my story today
When women and men engage in polygamy, do they expect the unexpected? I know no one can consider everything, but do they think of more than just the basics?
Unexpected situations occur in polygamous marriages-situations that are not a problem in monogamous marriages. It is unquestionable. It happens. It is a fact. Let’s consider a medical situation. For instance, which of the wives goes to the hospital and claims the title of wife and signs papers if necessary? In which one of the wives’ houses does the husband recuperate when he is housebound and can’t travel? How are issues like these resolved?
An unexpected situation occurred for me today. Today is Alex’s surgery. Recap:The way I initially found out the date of the surgery and where he’d recuperate was backwards. I was the last to know. What happened to mutual consultation?
I “freaked out” initially about Alex’s failure to consult with me. He failed to communicate with me about a matter that was very, very important; In this case, it was about his surgery. Nevertheless-thank Allah much-I let it go.
Nonetheless, on Sunday, Alex asked me if I wanted to go with him to the medical facility when he has surgery. He said he and his stepson would pick me up. I didn’t answer. He said he’d call me on Monday (the next day) for my answer. I thought, well, he is my husband. I love him, and want the best for him. So I decided, yes. I’d go. But to my surprise he didn’t call me on Monday.
So Tuesday, 11:15 a.m., rolls around and surgery is at 1:00 p.m. I thought to myself; I need to handle this tactfully. So I emailed Alex and asked, “What time are you and your stepson going to pick me up?” He emailed me back and said, “12:30 p.m., Insha Allah.”
Anyhow, Alex, his stepson, and I went to the medical facility. His stepson and I sat talking in the reception area for about three hours while Alex underwent surgery. I felt as though I was talking with my adult son. We had fun.
Alex is happy and well. The surgery was successful. I thank Allah much. He’s at Carolinah’s (his other wife’s) house for the next nine days or so for recovery (it’s there vacation, as well). I think she’ll take good care of my husband.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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travel 4 less!
July 5th, 2009 on 7:12 PM
Good for you Ana! You handled this well – you ignored that he did not call on Monday like he said he would. And even though he bungled telling you about the surgery, apparently you are the one he wanted there and you showed your love and support for him by going! I am very proud of you. Just keep moving forward – that is what you are doing and that is how you will succeed. Enjoy your break!
By the way I am enjoying your Twitters!
July 5th, 2009 on 7:35 PM
CM, I thank you so much for always being there. Your words are so helpful and encouraging, not only to me-but I’m sure to many, many others, as well. You’re a wonderful friend.
I’m going to keep trying to make progress. Each day, lately, seems to get so much easier for me. It’s good to know there are cyberspace friends out there like you; although many others don’t talk, their presence is felt.
That Twitter thing is kind of fun. When I can’t get a post in, I try to tweet. Smile
July 21st, 2009 on 1:57 AM
Sorry, but in my opinion Alex gave you a token by asking you to stay through the surgery while staying 9 days with the other wife during recovery. I don’t know how you do it. You seem like a great lady. Why don’t you give yourself a chance? You are not in prison, and there is no need to punish yourself. In case you think this selfish SOB is your last chance in life, please know: YOU ARE YOUR FIRST AND LAST CHANCE TO YOURSELF. Abuse is abuse.
July 21st, 2009 on 2:27 AM
Thinker, I felt good about Alex recovering with Carolinah on their vacation, oppose to it being on mine. Alex and I always go away to exotic places twice a year. Carolinah likes staying home. I had no problem with her caring for him. It was very limited as to what they could do so how joyful was it for them. I’m his legitamate wife, which is why I was there for the surgery. It’s nice to have someone else take care of my husband when he’s sick so I don’t have to do it. Who wants to do sick people unless you have to?
This is an open house. No need to knock just come on in.
July 21st, 2009 on 7:17 AM
Ana, I was thinking the same thing – Who wants to take care of sick people unless you have to, especially sick men. I sometimes wish I had someone to ship my husband off to when he is sick. LOL
July 21st, 2009 on 12:52 PM
CM, I woke up this morning thinking about Thinker’s comment. Why would someone fight over who’s going to take care of a sick person (unless the person fears the caretaker would be abusive)? I could see me telling Alex, if he gets very sick, that he could stay at Carolinah’s.
That poses another problem for husbands in polygamy. What would Alex do if he becomes so sick that traveling back and forth between Carolinah and me becomes too debilitating for him? Carolinah and I live a bit of a distance apart, unlike with Umm Rahmaan’s polygamous marriage. They live down the street from each other.
I remember saying to a person that I was once intended to: “If push comes to shove and something happens to my mother, we’ll have to take her in.” He said, “If push comes to shove, we’ll push her down to the nursing home and shove her in.” I thought that was so funny and shocking. No, obviously we didn’t get married, but it was not for that reason.
August 12th, 2009 on 2:34 PM
As salaamu alaikum.
Oh, this made me think of various scenarios I’ve heard about or experienced in the past. My friend’s husband had just driven an hour to the second wife’s home, when one of their children was taken ill. She had to call him and he had to return because she doesn’t drive. Definitely an indication that the wives need to be within quite close proximity. Whenever there was a problem or emergency, he had to drive back. He was literally run ragged in the end driving back and forth!
My husband moved the ex-co-wife into the house opposite us. It came up for rent just at the right time. He set up a system, which was very impressive actually, where he would rotate each day and switch over at 6:30 p.m. giving him time to visit the other home for and hour after work before “crossing the road.” In this way, everybody saw him every day. In addition, he came over for a few minutes on his nights off to tuck the girls into bed. Always the daddy, masha’Allah. But when it came to things like vacations and us planning to move to New Mexico, I asked him how we would do it. Would he get two RV/trailers and link them up and have us traveling down the highway like a convoy, lol? If we were both pregnant at the same time, how was he going to deal with us both attending the birth center and him being the one with us both? The funniest thing I recall is when he wasn’t in favor in either house. My ex-co-wive text messaged me saying she’d had enough and asked if I wanted him here? I said, “No thanks – try the Goodwill.” I certainly can see the beauty in packing him off to someone else who is willing to nurse him to health. It is, however, much more complicated when children are involved. There are so many things that come up that can interfere with time division and plans.