Polygamous – Was the Problem with the Schedule Resolved?
by ana on Jun.03, 2009, under my story today
I thought we had solved all the problems with the polygamous schedule, but we had not. Alex emailed me on Monday (It was the first time I had communicated with Alex since his telephone conversation with my wali on Saturday. During their conversation, Alex and my wali finalized our (Alex, Carolinah, and my) polygamous schedule) - so I thought, anyway. In the email, Alex asked if he and I could try again to work things out with the scheduling of days (Three days with Carolinah, three days with me, and vacation days). He now wanted to consult with me, which I thought was nice, but what was left to talk about? I got busy, though, and didn’t email Alex back.
Alex telephoned me on his way home from work. He asked if I had received the email from him. I said, “Yes” and I basically asked, what is left to talk about? We had worked out the schedule. He said, “No.” He said Carolinah did not like that we attached her three makeup days to her vacation.
Yes. My freak was on. My blood pressure began to boil. My voice rose from loud talk to yelling and yelling turned to… Of course he hung up and of course I kept calling back until I went into voice mail…the story of my life. What happened to our fresh start?
Alex arrived home and the intense arguing continued into the night. I asked Alex why the schedule was an issue again, as he and my wali had resolved the matter. He said Carolinah wanted to choose her days. I said her makeup days were from 1 year and 8 months ago. (Yes. He was away on business for a year but… ) She had eight months to make up those old days. He said he kept asking her when she wanted to make up the days and she wouldn’t tell him. Alex and I continued to argue for hours off and on.
I got very tired and asked him when she wanted the three days. He said she wanted Nov. 30th, Dec. 1 and 2, 2009. I totally lost it again. I said now I have to wait around until the end of the year with these days hanging over my head. I was so frustrated and exhausted I told him to go ahead and schedule the days.
I went and showered. While showering, I remembered all the advice and suggestions everyone had given me on the blog. “Be firm.” “Stick to your guns.” I got out the shower and said to Alex, no way. I wasn’t going with it. The only time we argued usually was about the schedule, Carolinah making changes to it to suit her work schedule etc and I wasn’t going to let it happen anymore.
I advised Alex that I wanted a fresh start, as he and my wali had agreed. I asked why Carolinah was waiting till the end of the year to take her makeup days. He said she had scheduled vacation for around that time, as well. I knew she was manipulating the schedule once again. She’d schedule the makeup days now, but a couple of weeks or so before the makeup days (Nov. 30th, Dec. 1 and 2, 2009), Alex would tell me that she had vacation days schedule around the same time period, as well. So she’d have makeup days on top of vacation days.
She was sneaky and sly. She had done the same thing with the Fourth of July weekend schedule. On January 1, 2009, Alex told me about Carolinah’s makeup days for July 1, 2, and 3, knowing she planned July 4 etc. for vacation. She kept her July vacation secret until a month before, at which time she attached makeup days with vacation (taking my Fourth of July weekend).
Anyhow, I wasn’t going for it this time. I was furious. I didn’t sleep in the bed with Alex that night.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
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June 18th, 2009 on 9:42 PM
Ana, I am so happy that you stood up for yourself. It seems that as this situation continues you are becoming quicker to anger, quicker to tears… How are you? Emotionally, Psychologically? Again Alex is allowing Carolinah to do as she pleases and forcing her life to interfere with your life. Your wali told Alex that he needs to step up and be the head of the household. If he put his foot down and took the lead away from Carolinah I think it would make things easier for both you and Carolinah. I pray that you are able to find happiness in your marriage or the strength to leave it.
June 19th, 2009 on 1:36 AM
SubhanaAllah, your situation seems to continue to disintegrate faster then you could patch it up. He is supposed to be fair with both of you Carolinah is manipulating this and taking it as far as she wants BECAUSE Alex is letting her. She will continue to do so because it drives you up the wall and it affects YOUR days with Alex. Since you are the one putting resistance to the schedule and acting like a mad woman (rightly so) she can play the calm loving wife who is fun to be around. She is setting you up in more than one way. From the looks of it she is winning.
I am really wondering if it is really worth your mental health and sense of worth to continue this marriage? Why? Why do you stay? (I am honestly wondering)
No matter how calm and patient I am if someone wrongs me the way you have been wronged I would leave and take them for all they got. I am a vindictive woman and I can’t help myself.
Alex doesn’t seem like the type of man that can carry a polygamous marriage as he can’t assert himself. I am a Hispanic Muslim and in my community (non Muslim Hispanic) the men cheat left and right (without providing for the women or children) and I get so disappointed when I see it in the Muslim community because we have GUIDELINES. I agree with Krystelle above I also pray that Allah swt blesses you with happiness in your marriage or the strenght to leave it.
I mentioned in a previous post about talking to my hubster about us being a polygamous marriage and now I take it all back. I am not mature enough to handle all the issues you are handling. I can’t. Maybe its my background but I just wouldn’t stay in an abusive marriage, because i suffered way too much as a child to spend my adult life suffering in a prison of my own design.
June 19th, 2009 on 2:07 PM
Krystelle, it was so weird how standing up for me came about. I actually remembered what was said to me on this blog. (You all might not realize how helpful all of you are.) I asked myself how I was going to go back to everyone on the blog and say I gave in to Carolinah’s demands, and wasn’t "firm". What everyone had said about being "firm" was the truth; I couldn’t dispute that. I had to stand my ground. I can’t have people wasting time blogging over here. I’m not saying I’m going to do everything that everyone suggests, but I knew what was suggested regarding being "firm" was the right thing to do.
I must say, emotionally and pyschologically I’m a lot better than I was when Carolinah and Alex first "married." I was a total mess when it first happened- the deep depression, crying, trembling, unable to go to work, and all the craziness I described in previous posts.
The blessing is Alex went away on business 9 months after he and Carolinah married." He was gone 1 whole year. I thank God much for that year that he was gone. Those 9 months that he was home, "married" to her, was hell (the type on earth). Alex has been back home now for 9 months and there’s a tremendous difference now opposed to then.
Now I just get extremely angry with being jerked around with the schedule. I try to stay focused. When I get upset like I do when this ridculous stuff starts happening with the schedule, my blood pressure goes up for sure. I have these little mini panic attacks every now and again. I have to pray myself out of them when they occur. But compared to life with polygamy in the beginning, I’m way better now. I thank God much, very much! When I said the first 9 months was hell (the type experienced on earth), that’s an understatement.
I thank you so much for being so concerned and I’m very grateful for your support.
June 19th, 2009 on 11:12 PM
Umm Ibraheem, you’re absolutely right about the "disintegration." I can’t even keep up; that’s how fast it’s beating me up. Carolinah is definitely "controlling" (illusionary control) Alex. You’re right again; he can’t assert himself, which is why he needs someone to tell him what to do all the time. Carolinah can do that and do it well, which is apparently one of the attractions he has for her.
Carolinah and Alex’s lives are just as miserable as mine, if not more. He told me that both Carolinah and I were angry about the schedule, therefore he must be doing something right. I told him, "No. You’re doing something wrong." I’ve always read in Islamic books that when one co-wife is happy the other one is usually sad.
Carolinah may have more (illusionary) control over Alex than I do; I’ll give her that. However, many women that are in her position, or should I say lack of position as a recognized, lawful, legal "wife", feel terribly insecure in that (mistress like) position. I’ve been to affairs with Alex for his work, affairs where he’s received awards etc. Could he take her to anything like that and say, "This is my wife"?
We plot and we plan, but Allah is the best of planners. The planners of evil will only hem in the author thereof. It’s in the Quran. I pay. Carolinah will pay. Alex will pay. We all pay for the evil that we do.
Alex and I have many, many nice times together. He seems very happy most of the time when he’s home. We have dinner together, watch TV, laugh and have fun, have nice intimate times. Do you want me to write everyday about it when it happens?
I understand your vindictive nature. As I write right now- the only way I see a divorce happening is if Alex initiates it. I WILL TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS (figure of speech). I will take him for everything he’s got. I will get back everything he has given her (my marital interest, my marital monies, monies the law says I’m supposed to have as his legal wife). I will make the divorce drag out and pay whatever it cost, even if I have to pay the attorney fees for the rest of my life. Alex knows it. I told him. His ex-wife knows it as well. I told her. Carolinah knows it. I told her in the last texts. It’s no secret. People can’t hide assets the way they use to, unless they send them to the Caymen Islands. Anyhow, that’s how I feel right now. Allah knows best what will happen tomorrow.
I’m familiar with the Hispanic culture a bit. I had to take courses on cultural diversity when I worked. My mom works with many Hispanics, and has often spoken of their culture to me. Thank you for sharing with us. It’s very enlightening. I know there are Hispanic Muslims. I don’t know any other Muslim Hispanics. It’s nice knowing you.
June 20th, 2009 on 5:13 PM
I would love to hear more about your happy times in your blog too. Just to know that everyday isn’t a battle that you have to try and win.
June 20th, 2009 on 5:29 PM
You got it!
June 21st, 2009 on 11:32 PM
You gonna hate me for this BUT I feel sorry for Carolinah and her status in the marriage.. (You could flame me now)
June 22nd, 2009 on 2:04 AM
Umm Ibraheem, I appreciate you being honest and forthright with your feelings, expressing them as they are to you. I encourage everyone to speak what they are feeling and thinking. It’s all good. That’s what we’re here for. We’re not here for just me, Carolinah, and Alex. Anyone who wants to talk about him/herself, ask questions regarding him/herself, others, or whatever is welcome.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
June 22nd, 2009 on 3:55 PM
The reason I said that was because he can’t take her out on events. So obviously that is not fair to her and I could only imagine the inferiority complex she may be feeling.
June 29th, 2009 on 2:50 PM
Assalaamu alaikum Admin, I am new to your site and find it very informative. I am about to marry and my intended has told me that he will seek another wife as he has always had two. The wife he is with now has asked for a Khoula (divorce) because he told her about me and she doesn’t want to be in a polygamous marriage, even though he was married when she married him. I have been reading your posts and wanted to ask if you think that I should marry him or try to wait for a muslim that only wants one wife(which probably won’t happen)and also it seems as though you are always stressed out over the situation and I’m wondering if it is worth it? I know you must love him and all but IS IT WORTH THE HEART ACHE. One more thing does Carolinah know about this site? I would like to read what she has to say and how she deals with it.
June 29th, 2009 on 9:16 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Muslimah Dhakirah, I am happy you find the site helpful to you. We like sharing and helping one another here, or just reading. We have fun too. It’s important to know we are not alone.
I’m wondering if your intended’s wife will proceed with the khoula (divorce) or is hoping the threat would dissuade him from marrying you. I threatened Alex with divorce many, many times, but it didn’t happen.
It could be that your intended has grown accustomed to having at least two wives. An invited guest and welcomed visitor Moroni Jessop said he "definitely would not want to go back to just one wife…" He said that in the post "Men that Live Polygamy" under Polygamy Aspects.
I have to say I cannot advise you whether you should marry your intended or try to wait for a Muslim that only wants one wife. In "Hello World" I mentioned: "I do not, cannot, and will not tell anyone how to practice polygamy, nor will I give advice on whether it is appropriate for you. I can only share with you what I have experienced, learned about myself, and learned from others."
I have been totally "stressed out"-more times than not-to put it mildly. Is it worth the heart ache? You asked. It has been worth it for me. Living polygamy is helping me to grow and hopefully be a better person. Everyone here has read about the ugliness inside me, envy, jealousy, anger, vengefulness, selfishness, etc that I need to work on. I’m finally beginning to get a wee bit better. At least I’m feeling much better now. Insha Allah, the feeling will last for a long while. I love Alex and I love being married, otherwise I’d take the money and run. There’s more money for me in leaving him than staying.
I’m assuming Carolinah doesn’t know about the blog. I’ve told Alex about it. I told him that I prefer he not read it, as I don’t want his knowledge of what I’ve said to affect our marriage anymore than living it. He knows the blog is therapeutic for me: therefore, he said he’s not going to look for the blog.
I’m with you; I wonder how Carolinah deals with it. I know of a few ways that she deals, and has dealt with it: Denial (I don’t exist to her), manipulation of the schedule, and attempt to throw him out the house.
Our friends, family and visitors here are wonderful. I’m glad you’ve joined us.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 3rd, 2009 on 10:46 AM
slms polygamy is a roller coaster life. Its neither easy nor difficult coz ALLAH SWT gives us strength to cope with it if we hand over our affairs to HIM SWT. It takes a lot of sabr and can be very spiritually rewarding coz u ar more in touch with ALLAH SWT. Emotionally draining if u allow your emotions to get the better of u but very helpful in gaining wisdom of who u really are and helps make u more independent of your husband and rely more on ALLAH SWT.