Wali Helps in a Polygamous marriage
by ana on Jun.04, 2009, under my story today
Again, I called my wali to intervene in Alex and my dispute about our polygamous marriage. However, this time Alex agreed to the intervention. Alex met my wali at my wali’s home. They were to discuss our ongoing problem with scheduling. The problem this time was that Alex had given Carolinah my days.
The next morning, my wali told me what had happened in the meeting between him and Alex. I hadn’t spoken with Alex, after the meeting. My wali said he and Alex mainly spoke about Islam and our marriage. He pointed out to Alex that his and Carolinah’s relationship was borderline “fornication” and “adultery”. He again advised Alex that a man in a polygamous relationship must take the lead or it won’t work.
He brought to Alex’s attention that he (Alex) was more inclined towards Carolinah, as the two of them desired the same thing (to live this-worldly life, according to the dictates of society), and were not interested in practicing Islam. He advised Alex that he will be held accountable for leading me astray (away from Islam). My wali reminded Alex that I had never observed non-Islamic holidays, such as the Fourth of July; anniversaries; birthdays etc. until I married him (Alex). My wali advised Alex that things got far worse when he “married” Carolinah. For instance, I began using profanity etc.
My wali said he refused to look at the (polygamous) schedule that Alex and Carolinah had prepared. He advised Alex that there are only two holidays in Islam, which are the Eids. He said nothing should alter the three day schedule (three days with Carolinah and three days with me) other than vacations. He should schedule nothing else for a celebration.
He advised Alex to schedule an equal number of vacation days for Carolinah and me. He said no makeup days would be necessary. He should allow no makeup days. My wali advised Alex that the Quran is our criteria with which to judge (for instance, he shouldn’t allow Carolinah to send him home to me when she gets angry with him).
I advised my wali that I wanted a fresh start with the schedule. I advised him to let Carolinah keep the days (the Fourth of July weekend days that were mine). She would have twelve consecutive days with Alex. I agreed the two makeup days that she scheduled to use for her anniversary in December would stay in effect.
My wali telephoned Alex and advised him of the schedule resolution. I thought we had resolved the matter, finally, once and for all.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
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June 13th, 2009 on 10:57 PM
as salaamu aalaykum,
What I am about to say might come off as insensitive BUT, how is his marriage to Carolinah "border line fornication or adultery"? He is married to her and he is allowed to be intimate with her. Does he mean before marriage? because if that is what he meant then I still disagree because we are supposed to think the best of our brothers and sisters. Fornication is a big sin in Islam and to accuse someone of it you need witnesses or you have slandered your brother in Islam and will answer to Allah swt. Adultery is an even a BIGGER sin and not something to be thrown around lightly either.
Either way I love you for the sake of Allah swt and I am still making dua for your heart and peace of mind. wa salaam
June 13th, 2009 on 11:32 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum,
My wali was not referring to relationship that Alex and Carolinah had before they became Muslim and got "married." He was referencing the relationship that they have now.
The question Carolinah and Alex need to ask themselves is whether their current relationship, what they call "marriage," is a cover up for an "affair." Carolinah took Shadahah (The vows to be Muslim-for those who don’t know what Shahadah is) so that she and Alex could marry. That’s a fact. Neither he nor Carolinah ever disputed that. Are they using the concept of "polygamy" simply to justify Alex having a relationship outside our (his and my marriage)? If so…yes it might be borderline "fornication" and "adultry". We can’t deceive Allah. Allah SWT tells us to investigate. He doesn’t tell us to be fools. If polygamy is the only part of Islam a person seems to be accepting, then what is it?
Most of the things that we have seen, and that many commentors here have seen, is that their relationship doesn’t appear to be polygamy. I have to take Alex’s word that he "married" her, so I’m referring to it as polygamy. Allah gave man the right to practice polygamy so I’m going to accept it. There are many reasons for divorce but is not liking polygamy one of them?
Wives in polygamy usually make their presence known to the other wife, wives; they do no hide off in the background like a mistress. They don’t usually say I don’t want to know the other wife exists. Is there a reason Carolinah shouldn’t claim her rightful position as a "wife." It appears she likes living the position of Alex’s woman on the side; perhaps that is what she prefers and that is what she knows.
In everything that you have heard thus far, does it sound like anything much has been carried out in accordance to Islam. Alex goes off to sleep with Carolinah and gives her his money. That’s all I know of her. What do you call it?
We’re not questioning whether Carolinah and Alex are intimate; the question is whether they have a marriage. Allah knows best!
I love you too for the sake of Allah. Insha Allah, lets continue to make duah for each other.
As Salaamu Alaikum!
June 14th, 2009 on 12:42 AM
It is extemely painful and difficult for a woman to accept that her husband is being intimate with another woman. Usually polygamy is the last aspect of Islam that a woman accepts, if she ever accepts it.
I would appreciate if someone could explain to me how a woman becomes Muslim and the first thing she accepts about Islam is polygamy and 2 1/2 years later that is all she still seems to accept. Has anyone out there ever known of a situation like that?
June 14th, 2009 on 12:57 PM
Well, it sort of reminds me of Muslim men that are happy to accept their "right" to engage in polygamy…but dont seem too bothered to engage in other aspects of Islam…such as prayer, fasting, or performing Haj or Umra etc.
June 14th, 2009 on 1:46 PM
Coolred38- Exactly! You summed it up so nicely, in a small amount of words . Thank you! When men so easily jump on the polygamy aspect of Islam and ride off with it and leave all the rest of islam behind, something is wrong with that picture-it just doesn’t look right.
June 14th, 2009 on 2:01 PM
I have to make a correction. I said Carolinah took Shahadah. I only know that Alex told me that Carolinah took Shahadah and that she and he got married. When I told his family and his ex-wife that Alex got married again, he called me up and asked why I told people. He said, "No one had to know!"
June 15th, 2009 on 12:26 AM
As salaamu aalaykum,
well, if you doubt their marriage then it is pretty easy, ASK him for his marriage agreement. If non was made then ask him for the witnesses that were present. According to the Maliki madhab you don’t even need witnesses but the Wali should be present.
You are making the accusations that he is not married and technically in Islam the one who makes the accusation has the burden of proof. Seeing that you can’t prove it, I wouldn’t accuse him I would ask to see proof.
You should have asked him for proof in the beginning and maybe asking for it right now he probably won’t give it, but I would still ask. I would also make duah for Allah swt to reveal the truth to me. Also I have never heard that a wife has to "declare herself" to the other wife in order to be recognized as a wife. It would be nice of her to let the cowife know of her existence or maybe say salaams but I haven’t heard that it is a fardh. If I had been in a polygamous marriage (me being the 2nd as in Carolinahs position) and the 1st wife had shown animosity towards me I would just avoid her all together. It is not fardh for me to get along with her so I would just leave her the heck alone. Why complicate my life further?
Moving on, my hubby said that your hubby was wrong about being upset that you had informed others that he had a second marriage. My husband says that we are SUPPOSED to let the world know when a marriage occurs so that rumors don’t start about the couple’s chastity. Plus it is supposed to be a happy occasion. My husband does understand why he would want to keep it quite as Polygamy is illegal in the USA and once that information is out there it can be used against you.
Her shahada has nothing to do with the validity of the marriage as Muslim men can marry from amongst the people of the book. Granted there are guidelines for it but his marriage will not be invalidated because she is not Muslim. You mentioned in a previous post that he asked to pray with you and after you corrected his salat he went and taught her. I understand your point about Muslim accepting a piece of Islam and "appearing" (we don’t know what is in their hearts) to reject others but that still wouldn’t invalidate her marriage. She may not even believe in polygamy as permissible within Islam and her marriage would still be valid. You may not believe in polygamy in Islam (obviously you do but for the sake of argument I am saying this) and her marriage would still be valid. Carolinah doesn’t need to be Muslim (People of the Book)and her marriage would still be valid. I am kinda beating a dead horse here so sorry about that.
Wa salaam
June 15th, 2009 on 12:41 AM
Sister, I can’t lie and say I know what you’re going through, but I know it must be very hard and May Allah help you all through it. However, sometimes, there are silver linings hidden around our dark gray clouds. For one, you are earning so much reward from Allah for adhering to an Islamic tenet even though your desires are against it. 2nd, you are able to use this situation to teach your husband more about Islam: those who teach Islam to others get tremendous rewards (and commission like a halaal pyramid scheme where noone loses.)
3rd, by consulting with other muslimas, you are bringing a lot of sisters closer together for the sake of Allah in order to solve one of their hardships. In this time of hardship, remember to stay the better woman and avoid shaythaan’s attempts at reducing your rewards. Remember to avoid having prohibited males around you, as do not wish the same for your husband. All it takes is a spark to start a "flame" (Techincally, your hubby is your only Waly, and any other male will just be an instigator.) Always remember to cry to Allah about all your pain and anguishes. HE knows us best and loves us more than we can ever know. HE is the only one who can help in this situation and will hopefully bless you in ways you’ve never even conceived of.
June 15th, 2009 on 10:56 AM
Ive always wondered why Muslim women who are married to "Muslim" men who engage in such activities as polygamy…and do so in an unIslamic fashion…are usually advised to "bear with it"…or "have patience" or are praised for "accepting" it even if the husband is going about it completely unIslamically. Why doesnt anyone ever tell her to face him…face the extra wives…and get some straight damn answers and force people that have FORCED this into your life to be held accountable for their actions?
You damn right Carolinah should acknowledge you…she is "married" illegally to someone elses husband in the United States…that is ILLEGAL…I dont care if Islam allows it…the US govt does not…and we as Muslims are supposed to obey the laws of the land we live in as long as it doesnt impede our islamic duties…engaging in polygamy is a right…but its not an obligation. So her husband and that woman are acting illegally…and shouldnt even for a moment consider their marriage halal. Its wrong in many ways…the least being the Islamic aspect.
Personally I would go and kick his ass…then throw him in the car and go to her house and kick her ass too…then throw all his crap at your house into her house and take away his house key so he cant come and go as he pleases anymore. He made his bed…Carolinahs bed…so let him lie in it.
But thats me. I have taken all the shit from men Im going to take…so its easy for me to take that step.
My only interest in polygamy is whether or not the women involved are treated the way they are supposed to be treated…most of the time they are not….but they are still advised to just go with the flow. What horseshit (sorry)…you need a couple of Colorado cowboys to go kick his ass…just so you feel better for the moment…after that…work out whatever your going to work out regarding HER.
Sorry for the post…this has NOT been a good day for me…and some recent comments Ive read here and other such blogs has left me boiling.
June 17th, 2009 on 9:11 AM
Coolred38, for this post you should change your name to Hotred38! lol Sorry you are having a bad day. Your feelings are understandable and you are expressing what most of us feel at one time or another. Then we calm down! lol
It is frustrating to see men not treat women the way they should, especially supposedly religious men. That is why we women need to band together to support each other through the hard times. And that is what you are doing. You are a good person!
June 17th, 2009 on 11:42 AM
"Coolred’s Rant…" You don’t hold any punches. You set the house on fire for a moment, like CM alluded. It’s all good. You took a strong position. That’s what makes change.
June 18th, 2009 on 3:22 AM
I still don’t understand why it is bordeline fornication and adultery. She said her shahada and she is muslim…ok and they married in a masjid(I assume.) So why is that bad? Just because you have a paper from the American Government(As a muslim that should not matter) that says you are married to him does not make your marriage more valid than hers….I mean I have a paper from the American government that says I am married to my husband does that mean that his first wife is not legally his wife? Does that mean they are fornicating???? It just doesn’t make sense to me….I am not trying to be mean I just want to understand the logic behind it.
June 18th, 2009 on 4:35 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum Ummabdur-rahmaan
The whole purpose of our life on this earth is to serve Allah-to follow the dictates of Quran, to strive to enter Paradise. That should be our sole goal and objective, our intention for taking shahadah.
Do you think it’s OK for a woman to take shahadah and get "married" to have a sexual relationship and receive monies from a man that is already married (with a Marriage License)? A man is married (with a Marriage License); he and another woman want to get together and have sex without the wife complaining about it- Is it OK for her to say a few words (shahadah) and get "married" to have that relationship? Where does serving Allah/practicing Islam come in? What does Surah 58, Iyat 16 mean? "They have made their oaths a screen (for their misdeed):"
We could get married one of two ways:
One- a couple could get a formal government Marriage License and live by the rules of the land like coolred38 said.
Two-a man could refrain from getting a Marriage License and marry two, three or four wives and they all would be equal.
When a man has a Marriage License, is legally married to one woman and he goes and practice polygamy at the same time, he is violating the laws of Islam and, in my instance, the laws of the USA.
The USA says polygamy is illegal.
Islam says be just, equal, and fair with wives.
How could a man be just, equal and fair when a Marriage License gives a wife a realm of benefits, protection and rights and the woman without the Marriage License does not have the same protection, benefits and rights?- One wife has a Marriage License and the other doesn’t. How is that fair, just and equal? One wife is considered a wife by the laws of the country, the other is considered a mistress in the eyes of the majority of people who sees and knows what’s going on with them.
Contracts are to be honored in Islam. A Marriage Licensed entered into willingly by a man and woman is a contract.
How is the marriage halal, like coolred38 said, if a man forces it on a woman without the mutual consultation that Allah tells us to have. Allah tells us to conduct all our affairs with mutual consultation. A husband should talk to the first wife about his intention to take another. If she doesn’t agree then perhaps they have to divorce. When is it OK for a man to tell a woman that he is going to take another wife and if she doesn’t like it it’s just tough; it’s too bad?
Islam liberated women, many men are trying to enslave women again. Islam doesn’t tell anyone to force anything on anybody. There is no compulsion in Islam.
If someone else could add or subtract anything to what I’ve said, please do. I’d appreciate it.
June 18th, 2009 on 1:41 PM
When does hypocrisy come into being? There were people who became Muslim to get the spoils of war. There are people who become Muslim to have a relationship with someone. Allah tells us how He’s going to deal with the hypocrites.
June 18th, 2009 on 1:46 PM
I mentioned previously to Alex, numerous times, that I had no proof he married Carolinah. He blew me off, as if to say so what. Of course he’s not going to show me their contract, as then I’d Know all their personal business, as they had to include an awful lot in the type of contract they have.
Their contract is useless in the USA; my Marriage License supersedes anything in any contract that they might have. They’d get laughed at in a court of law with their contract. Everything should be OK with their contract unless he and I get divorce, or he dies.
Their marriage was a secret and Carolinah is a secret.
June 18th, 2009 on 3:30 PM
Hotred38…lol….sorry for the rant ladies. Ive calmed down now…lol.
I believe the justice is first and foremost what Muslims (people really but we are talking about Muslims here) should strive for in every action they take…especially when it deals with others and not just themselves. God mentions the word "justice" in the Quran over 50 times…that should tell us that its a serious matter to God…and so should be a serious matter to us.
The requirements plural marriage is first and foremost justice…equality and fairtreatment of all involved…in order for it to be considered an Islamically approved marriage. Just because other Muslims might consider it halal…doesnt necessarily mean God does…if you havent met the requirements as laid out by God.
Contracts are meant to be transparent to all parties involved…and should be legal and binding upon all parties involved. An illegal marriage not sanctioned by the govt of which you live…does not qualify as an Islamic marriage simply because you stood before an Imam and declared yourselves willing to marry. We have laws…we are meant to obey those laws…yes..obey God first…but God says to obey the laws of the land you live in…plural marriage is not allowed in america…hands down its against the law…so right off the bat every single plural marriage in the states at this time is only considered legal on a personal footing…or maybe within a community…but is not legal by law…therefore the extra wives are not considered wives at all…and are excluded from all wifely rights upong divorce, death, inheritence etc…that is not justice to the extra wives…therefore unIslamic.
In no way can we as Muslims condone plural marriage and consider it halal if it goes against the laws of the country as we are bound to follow those laws…as long as they dont impede our practice of Islam…as I stated in my earlier comment.
Alex has acted unjustly to his first wife by "marrying" a second one. He acted unjustly with the second one by declaring her his wife in a country that does not recognize her as one…and will not do so should she require legal help in anyway.
We as Muslims are only allowed to have sex with a true Islamically halal marriage partner…if its not a legal marriage then the sex is not halal either. Plural marriage is not allowed in the states…so Alex cannot declare he is married to her…and sleep with her…and say that its halal…its not.
I realize that many Muslims will say…we have our own laws…the Quran tells us our rights and we follow those and not govt laws etc. In many cases this is fine and true…but God never asks us to break country laws etc in order to practice some Islamic concept…if that concept is a only a right…but not an obligation we are obliged to forgo it.
Both of them declaring themselves married can only be accepted if they call it Common Law marriage…nothing legal required there…except that with one wife already legally married to him…all those extra marriages are plural in nature..therefor illegal.
Hope that clarifies my point I meant last time..but apparently failed to get across…due to my Hotness…lol.
June 19th, 2009 on 3:09 AM
Yeah but how do you know what is in her heart? Maybe she took Shahada to be close to him but also believed that Islam is the right path….
Personal opinion…I think she may be sneaky but I think you are a little hard on her considering the two of you never talk outside of not so nice text messages. Also I don’t think Polygyny is ever the problem, it is the way the man practices it. It takes a very strong and sensitive man to make it work. My hubby has the strong thing down but the sensetive part that needs lots of work….I mean lots.
June 19th, 2009 on 8:58 PM
Hotred38, I’m glad you’re back to coolred38 with your "rants"
. Thanks for helping me out. I could always use "a little help from my friends"-lyrics from "The Beatles" lol.
June 20th, 2009 on 1:57 PM
Ummabdur-rahmaan, I concur; polygamy isn’t the problem. Allah says polygamy is permissible so there has to be good in it. I think if all the parties involved are Believers, it could be beautiful; they would engage in polygamy with Allah in mind, seeking to please Allah, with the goal of Paradise. Many people engage in polygamy for their personal pleasure and benefit, caring nothing about anyone else.
Why do you think I’m being a little too hard on Carolinah?
June 20th, 2009 on 2:43 PM
I personally believe that people who are possibly spiritual…but not religious..have a better chance at success in a polygamous arrangement. Soon as you throw God in the middle of something…nothing good comes of it because its always a war between what God said…and what we (generally men) prefer to believe He said.
June 20th, 2009 on 3:20 PM
Coolred38, I can definetly go with you on how war can begin when we start discussing what God says.
I don’t want this blog to become a debate forum about God. I haven’t received many questions of that nature on this blog.
The blog is about polygamy. It is about discussing polygamy, discussing thoughts about it, feelings about it, living it, trying to get through it, or whatever else relates to it-not to say we shouldn’t mention God, but keep the mention of Him in the proper perspective. The question about what’s in Carolinah’s heart took the forum to another level where this blog shouldn’t go, and I was remiss in entertaining the question.
Thank you very much for your opinion. It was extemely helpful and on point.
June 21st, 2009 on 1:58 AM
I think that because she is not really to blame. Everything that has happened is not her fault(speaking from a second wives point of veiw) it is the fault of your husband for the way he dealt with the situation. Remember your comment on my blog about the sex thing and how I didn’t know what she had said to influence his thinking? It is kind of the same thing. Maybe she feels he is being unfair to her…maybe she feels like he cares more for you than her, it could be a number of things…I think that if you actually talked to her, like sat down and really made an effort to get to get to know her I bet that most of the things your brain came up with are wrong. Now I could be wrong and it could all be true and more but at least then you would know for sure there would be no more what ifs. I know from personal experience that if I don’t talk to CW and something happens my vivid imagination takes over and when I find out the truth it was NOTHING….I just think you should stop blaming her for the failing of your marriage…and look closely at the the parties in YOUR marriage(mainly your husband). Yes your marriage has changed since she entered and since you have no intention of leaving you have to try and make the best of the situation you are in…make some lemonade stop sucking the lemons….I know I should not be giving advice cuz well, you know why…but as a second wife I kind of understand her feelings(even though she is probably not nearly as bad as me.)
June 22nd, 2009 on 1:35 AM
Ummabdur-rahmaan, I truly believe that Carolinah is responsible to a huge degree for a lot of this turmoil. She knew she was marrying a married man; therefore, common sense (it’s not Rocket Science) would tell her that she’d better get from the horse’s mouth that polygamy is OK with me. What kind of super woman did she think I was…I’d feel nothing? Did she think I said to Alex, go ahead Honey, marry her and have a good time? Come on… basically, she just didn’t care. When Carolinah asked Alex how I felt about him marrying her and Alex said he didn’t care how I felt, she didn’t care either.
She intruded upon my marriage and I don’t think it’s my obligation to chase her down and make her speak with me. I took it upon myself, which was not nice, to text her nasty messages. But, for instance, did she EVER try to reach out to me and say, I’m sorry how things happened?… I’m sorry for what you’re going through… I understand how you must be feeling or look itch don’t ever text me again or I’ll ….whatever? No, nothing. To her, I don’t exist. The only way I know she exists is because Alex told me that she does; he leaves me on a schedule and I’ve seen monies coming out of his account in her name.
You are a likeable person. I don’t think you should categorize yourself with Carolinah. You’re not in the same league. You made your presence known to your CW (co-wife) and are making your presence known to her.
I feel compassion for you, as we communicate. Commenter Donald previously had said, he thinks communicating creates a kind of bond with one another, even on the net. Those weren’t his exact words, of course. I just think you are way, way too hard on yourself. It’s easy for me to say, but I think you need to lighten up (on yourself.)
The mind can really mess us up. I think all kinds of things about Alex and Carolinah or just Alex. Sometimes, probably many times, perhaps most times, they are just what you said-"NOTHING." My wali has told me many times, "We can’t trust our senses. Everything is an illusion." I believe it.
I understand Carolinah’s feelings as they might relate to her as a mistress, but not as another wife.
December 17th, 2009 on 4:35 AM
Salaam To All,
This “sticky” situation requires patience and wisdom rather than reaction. What’s done is done and one must deal with it as it is. As for Carolinah: she appears to be (from this great distance) an insincere Muslim who’s just a woman trying to make the best of a situation she doesn’t like. Ana is struggling with a wife’s common fears and human failings but is striving to seek Allah’s guidance at the same time, hence our sympathy lay with her. Alex is a “cake man” who wants it all without forthright accountability and since he’s married to a sincere Muslimah, his day will come, hence I counseled patience at the beginning.
Now, as for rights: Hotred is amiss and a bit extreme in her judgment re: legality. The Shari’ah supercedes any law made by man that counters it, and since the “culprits” are Muslim, they are primarily to be judged by an Islamic Court, especially since justice is anathema to American courts whatever their laws may say.
Ana has chosen to see this thing through. However, it is her right, under Shari’ah to sue for divorce because first of all Alex is not practicing Islam, and secondly she is experiencing injustice, and thirdly she is experiencing the indignity wrought on her by Alex through the second marriage. She has every right to “get out” …
Nevertheless, Allah sees what we do not. The key here is Ana, because if any remedy is to be found via Allah’s guidance it will be by virtue of her taqua and effort to attain Allah’s intervention and grace and/or judgment. That being said, one cannot forego the possibility that both Alex and Carolinah might come to their senses because of Ana’s piety and sincerity. Remember: Dakwah is an obligation that begins at home, and this is an opportunity for Dakwah, no matter how awful it may appear. Some of the worse enemies of the Prophet were converted by His patience and example, and finally came to their senses.
However, and on the otherhand, Ana may want to cut her loses like a good business woman and just get out before she loses too much to start again. Now then, what is the deciding factor? In her heart, Ana must decide, insh’Allah, whether or not it is her destiny to be a catalyst in the conversion of one or both of the perpetrators of injustice. This is a personal matter that no one but Ana can decide or even comment on.
So then, on what criteria does such a decision rest? The answer is “peace of mind” … if she has peace of mind with one or the other path, then that’s the path she must take in subjection to Allah’s will.
Carolinah is not a “mistress” unless it can be proven their was no Islamic marriage. So do take care as cautioned above. Slander is a grievous offense in Islam.
There are degrees of piety and there are degrees of success in marriage, polygamous or not. The key factor is the man factor. He’s the Imam. It’s hard enough with one wife to maintain taqua. With two or more wives, without the sincere practice of Islam by the Husband, it’s impossible to succed without some very detrimental consequences for which “He” is solely responsible and will be held accountable for.
Men are thinking with ther gonads for the most, and then reacting to the rather sticky mess afterwards without the grace of guidance. Women, as a result, are suffering terribly, as are their children. Therefore, I counsel any woman contemplating polygamy to follow these guidelines:
1) Absolutely No Secret Marriage
2) Do not marry any man whose wife or wives cannot become your friend or you theirs. This means pre-marital disclosure and fellowship with them as a trial before jumping into the bed of nikah.
3) Stay clear of men who are overly religious. These are recognized easily because they are legalistic, literal, concrete, inflexible, and much too intolerant: a bit like Hitler.
4) Stay clear of men who are too busy with their lives to spend time with God or your family.
5) If you’re already married, and your husband proposes another wife, do all you can to cooperate and investigate at the same time. If you object for sound reason rather than foolish insecurities, and he fails to address your objections. Then quietly tell him you want a divorce in the event of “this” woman. But offer to find him another lady, preferably one you know well or at least approve of.
More on this later.
wasalaam,
dr omar