Polygamous Schedule-A Catastrophe
by ana on Jun.05, 2009, under my story today
Commentator CM, in a comment on my recent post, “Wali Intervenes in Polygamous marriage” , asked how I am doing. (Please see my reply
http://polygamy411.com/2009/06/06/wali-intervenes-in-polygamous-marriage/#comment-301)
Until I woke up this morning and found the schedule, I was feeling very good.
What should three people in a polygamous marriage do when the husband is clueless about how to make the schedule? What should the husband and two wives do when the two wives don’t communicate, won’t communicate and can’t agree on a schedule?
My wali said, Alex, Carolinah, and my scheduling problem is “overwhelming.” I certainly, not in any way, would not ask my wali to make the schedule.
My wali said polygamy is only for “Believers” ; for anyone else it won’t work. There would be no harmony, no peace and no tranquility.
What should we do about “The schedule” – Marriage on a schedule?
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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June 5th, 2009 on 9:57 PM
I believe that you should take the first step and make the schedule. Alex wanted you to make it in the first place, it’s something most first wives do if there is a schedule. Okay, I’m going to be harsh here, I hate to because I do like you..
In my view, you deciding not to make the schedule, was part of your early on polygamy denial. You didn’t want to acknowledge their marriage, your husband’s love for his 2nd wife… This is why you constantly cling to the fact you are the ‘legal’ wife.
Stop the passive aggressive behavior! The whole you make the schedule and I approve it thing is classic passive aggressive behavior.
Make the schedule, stick to your guns. Be firm.
Blessings, M
June 6th, 2009 on 12:25 AM
Hi M,
I can’t argue with you at all about the passive aggressive behavior. Alex has told me many times that passive aggressive is what I am. Another friend once told me that, as well. I wouldn’t, under any condition or circumstance, put myself out there to communicate with Carolinah AGAIN-unless, of course, she text or calls me.
I agree with you that I should take a more active role in the scheduling. However, I can’t see Alex agreeing to the first wife making the schedule, as he’s in denial that I, as a first right, have more rights than Carolinah. I must agree with you, as well, that I do constantly hang on to the "legal" wife status. I guess it’s my security blanket and I won’t let it go. Regarding the love Alex has for Carolinah, I still think he "married" her to punish me for the way I badly treated him during our marriage. Now, no one’s happy, not me, Carolinah, or Alex. Why didn’t he marry her before? Why won’t he divorce me and go be with her? She has always been “rebound.” Now he’s committed to “rebound.”
I’m going to see what Alex comes back with. I made some changes on my copy of the schedule today, in case he’s open to my input. From now on I’m going to peruse the schedule closely. Looks like he’s going to have to have the final say still. What a never ending nightmare.
My wali said there should be no change in our (Carolinah, Alex and my) schedule, except for vacations, which should be equal in nights, regardless of where any of us goes. He said no anniversaries, no holidays (except the two Islamic holidays), no birthdays or anything else. I never celebrated any of those days while being Muslim until Alex married Carolinah. He was just romantic on any given day, before that happened.
I intend to take an active role in the scheduling process. M, thank you very much for suggesting it. I will try with the help and permission of God to stick to my “guns and be firm”-my intentions. Wow, passive aggressive, huh. Sometimes harsh is good. I like you too…I just don’t know how to do the smiley face yet-smile…
June 6th, 2009 on 2:34 AM
I have been trying to leave comments for you all night to no avail. What is going on?
June 6th, 2009 on 9:23 AM
Ana, this battle over the schedule… It’s distracting you from the bigger issues. A day here, a day there? Is that going to make you happy? Is that going to bring healing to you or your marriage? Arguing over days in this marriage is like fighting for the top bunk while the cruise ship is sinking. Ana, your marriage is in serious trouble and drastic action is needed. Please consider again the idea of taking a real break from all of this. I think it could be good for a whole lot of reasons… It sends Alex a serious message that things are at breaking point; it gives him time to experience life without you; and it gives you time to think about the real questions, and to stop and take stock of your life — where you are and where you are going.
June 6th, 2009 on 1:32 PM
Hey there Donald
It’s so nice to have you back home. We missed you! I take the liberty of speaking for all of us. Everybody needs to get away for a while. This life can get crazy. It’s all good, just as long as you come back safe and sound.
I just stated to Umm Ibaheem; I got up feeling very good this morning. I called my wali and advised him to leave the schedule as is and let Carolinah take July 4, 5, and 6th. I advised him to have Alex attach the three additional makeup days that she said she is due. That will give us a fresh start (except for two makeup days that Carolinah sheduled for their anniversary in Dec.). So, in July, that will give me twelve straight, complete days away from Alex, giving me time to pray, think and enjoy the solitude…and of course spend time here with all my wonderful friends.
My wali called Alex this morining with the resolution and all is finalized-so I pray-no more bickering about days like "fighting for the top bunk while the cruise ship is sinking". Those days of bickering about the schedule are over (I pray to God), at least over for me.
The suggestion by all of you that I take a time out and experience time apart from Alex has been so extremely helpful to me. May God have mercy on us all and continue to bless us tremendously. smile
Have a wonderful day, my friend!
June 6th, 2009 on 6:30 PM
Sometimes I misinterpret the meaning of words. For instance, I think I have been doing that with the phrase-"be firm". M made a good statement. She said, "Make the schedule, stick to your guns. Be firm."
Today, I was contemplating what "stick to your guns" and "be firm" mean-just as CM asked for clarification on the phrase "shut it down." We should definitely "be firm" when presented with certain situations. However, what exactly does it mean to "be firm"? Do you ever confuse being "firm" with being "mean"? I confuse the two. Is there a thin line between being "firm" and being "mean"?
I thought about the phrase "stick to your guns" as well, which is another way of saying be "firm"-is it not? How do one stop being wishy washy, all over the place, and stick to one’s guns?
June 6th, 2009 on 7:01 PM
You said "My wali said-in Islam-only “Believers” should be in polygamy, or else it won’t work. There would be no harmony, no peace and no tranquility."
As I told you before I am a Christian in a polygamous marriage for 6 years with a Muslim husband and a Muslim co-wife. We have harmony, peace and happiness.
Your problem is your husband not polygamy
June 6th, 2009 on 7:18 PM
DONALD….she’s back
June 6th, 2009 on 8:57 PM
I’m sorry Jane,
The only comment I can give you is: Perhaps someone else can reply to you on their position. I think Donald, in previous replies under "Snap, Crackle I Pop", has tried to explain some things to you in every way imaginably possible. I can’t say any more than he’s already said. As a moderator, I think you are the only person I have EVER, on this blog, had to exercise extreme self-restraint with. So please forgive me for not saying more.
Thank you,
Ana
June 7th, 2009 on 12:54 PM
Hello Ana,
You were talking about the value of "firm." I think ‘firm’ is fine, as long as one is making jello. My guidepost is ‘clarity’. That is clarity of intention, clarity in words, and in follow through. It is a perspective to act from in an ever changing situation, which we are all in, all the time. A friend of mine said to me many years ago, when he was teaching me how to ride a mobilette through the busy streets of Paris "keep your wheels in the direction you are headed, so when you go through an intersection, those behind you will know which way you are going." I apply that to this day. Best, I’m here with you.
June 7th, 2009 on 12:57 PM
Ana,
I’m sorry. Upon reading my post in print, I realize I shouldn’t have said "my guidepost is clarity." I should have said "another guidepost is clarity." The agony of "no return" is the downside of the internet.
June 7th, 2009 on 4:27 PM
Hello Judith,
That was a nice clarification that you gave. I see the picture now and understand much better. Being "firm", "In an ever changing situation" can get confusing. I appreciate your take on "clarity." Thank you for "another guidepost." You were in a very beautiful place (Paris) to learn such a valuable lesson.
After understanding the value of "firm" and the importance of "clarity", we must know where we want to go before we could go in that direction; do you think?
Judith, thank you so very much for being here with me; you might not realize how valuable your lesson probably is for all of us. That was cute about the jello.
Best!
Ana
June 7th, 2009 on 4:36 PM
Judith,
Please don’t concern yourself about that. We all do it, plenty of times, send something out on the internet and can’t take it back, the puntuation and all that. I sit here for hours, it seems, re-doing and re-writing. Sometimes I need to just let it go, I mean really let it go. See the difference is you guys can’t preview what you write before you send it here. It’s not really fair -smile-
I just made myself feel like a complete idiot. I re-read my reply to you. I said we need to figure out where we are going to know what direction to go in. You already said that -"clarity of intention." I’m sorry!
It all gets so crazy sometimes.
June 9th, 2009 on 4:57 AM
To me being firm, means sticking to what is important to you. Not wavering. I don’t know how else to explain it.. lol.
In the beginning didn’t Alex want you to do the schedule? Wasn’t it after watching Big Love or something? Hmmmm… perhaps he needs to watch the episodes with Barb in charge more often
As for what June said, I would change it to this… Polygamy is not the entire part of the problem. The way your husband, Alex, has handled polygamy is a large part of the problems.
My heart goes out to you, honestly.
Blessings, M
June 9th, 2009 on 3:50 PM
Alex "jacked" up the schedule from day one when he gave Carolinah four days after their "marriage" and she was only supposed to have three days, as she was no virgin. And then, shortly thereafter, he "messed" everything up again (please see the ""Scheduling Polygamy"" post in Chapter 2.)
Alex kept trying to get Carolinah and me to make the schedule, as it was too overwhelming for him to do himself. I refused. How could she and I make the schedule when she and I despised each other and didn’t communicate? As mentioned in the "Snap, Crackle and Pop" post, the scheduling problem came to a head eight months after their "marriage" and continued up until today.
In Islam, it’s the male’s responsibility to make the schedule and he has a responsibility to be just and fair in the allotment of his time. God doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear; we put the added burden on ourselves. I guess Alex didn’t realize practicing polgamy was going to be so difficult.
I remember watching the episode of "Big Love" in which "Barb" takes charge of the scheduling. Alex needs to stay away from watching "Big Love…" lol. That is what got us into this situation to begin with. Perhaps polygamy appears more simplified and pleasurable on TV. The show "Big Love" doesn’t even portray plural marriage as being pure pleasure and delight…so, I don’t know what happened.
Scheduling might be easier when wives live together, as they only have to concern themselves with where the husband sleeps each night. Everything else is done together pretty much as a family. Correct me if I’m wrong. How has it been for your family, preparing the schedule? Are there many problems, or are the problems few and far between- I hope?
Blessings, Ana
June 9th, 2009 on 7:43 PM
Speaking about timing…M mentioned "the schedule" this morning.
Alex emailed me after he got to work and thought I was up and moving about. He stated he wanted to consult with me about "the schedule." He said he suggested I do that before, but I refused. That’s true.
So, much later in the afternoon, I spoke with him on the phone. He brought up the email so we began to discuss scheduling. I said it should be much easier now, as we have a fresh start…just straight scheduling with allocation for equal vacation days, no other exceptions or changes.
Now keep in mind… I just conceded to Carolinah receiving July 4, 5, and 6 that were supposed to be my days, and attached her three makeup days, which gives her 12 solid days and nights in a row. My wali had this discussion with Alex on Saturday and finalized the schedule. Just when things couldn’t get any worse, so I thought, today, Tuesday, Alex tells me that Carolinah doesn’t want the three days attached; she wants to decide when her makeup days would be. Well, hello, she’s had 1 years and 10 months to make those days up.
Does she want to control me… keep the makeup days hanging over my head? Every now and again, when Alex and I get into an argument, he throws up in my face, "She has makeup days that she’s owed."
Needless to say, that lead to a number of mini humungous yelling and screaming matches between us. I asked him, what do I get??? Where is the compromise? She takes my day plus tells me when (only Allah knows when) she wants to get her makeup days. I stuck to my guns. I said either we do it the way my wali and he discussed, or just give me my days July 4, 5, and 6 and let her makeup the days that she is owed whenever she wants. Who knows what he’ll do. We, as I write, are not speaking to each other.
The only time Alex and I argue, that I can remember, is when he comes in my face talking about what she (Carolinah) wants, when she wants it and how she wants it.
I read in an Islamic book that if the wives aren’t friendly with one another the husband’s life would be a "smoldering Hell on Earth." So that’s is what Alex, Carolinah and I have – a "smoldering Hell on earth."
August 19th, 2009 on 7:47 AM
hello Ana.
and may Allah (swt) make your marriage a blessed one and may your husband adore you even more and realise all your talents and may he apprecriate you because he is a lucky man to still have his 1st wife, not many polygamist men can say that. salaam
i would like to thank you for a very eye opening blog that keeps me on the internet whole day^_^
im not married but i have noticed that more and more men around me are considering polygamy and although by nature im a very sensitive person i think i should maybe in a way harden to the fact that maybe one day my husband might want to practice polygamy.So jazaakallah for your blog
August 19th, 2009 on 9:38 PM
Jess, hi. I think I responded to some comments out of turn. I apologize to you and others, if I did that. I didn’t do it intentionally.
I’m glad you’re here Jess. Although, I think nothing can prepare you for something you don’t want (especially polygamy, if you didn’t want it), you at least know where you can turn for support to help you through it. Many others, good, good friends here, have blogs regarding polygamy, as well. So we are all here and there for you.
I am happy you are here, Jess, and enjoying the blog. Thank you for joining us!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.