Wali Intervenes in Polygamous Marriage
by ana on Jun.06, 2009, under my story today
I was distraught after several days of intense drama with Alex about “the schedule” and our wedding anniversary. Our polygamous marriage was definitely taking a toll on me physically, emotionally and psychologically.
I met with my wali, and advised him what had taken place just the night before. I asked him to please call Alex and speak to him for me (on my behalf). He said he would. I was present for the telephone conversation, although it wasn’t a three-way. My wali used my cell phone to call Alex; therefore, Alex knew I was with my wali, during their conversation.
My wali said, ”As Salaamu Alaikum,” and engaged Alex in a mere moment of cordial conversation. My wali then said, “Your relationship with your second, your other wife, is spilling over into your marriage.”
I could overhear Alex quickly rambling on; although, I couldn’t make out what he was saying. My wali yelled several times at Alex saying, “YOU HAVE TO SHUT IT DOWN! SHUT IT DOWN!” He kept yelling, “Shut it down!” My wali advised Alex that Carolinah was a “New Shahadah” and Faith had not entered her heart. He reminded Alex that just because a person takes Shahada (vows to convert/revert to a Muslim), does not mean she becomes Muslim overnight.
My wali then said, “A woman will try you. A woman doesn’t care anything about you (Alex), me (my wali), anything or anyone but herself, and getting what she wants.” He kept telling Alex that he (Alex) must be firm. He has to be firm.
My wali said to Alex that he thought I would have adjusted to the polygamous marriage by now, but I have not. He said his (Alex) and my marriage was “crumbling”, as it was not built on the right foundation. He reminded Alex that he (Alex) did not consult with me before doing what he did (engaged in polygamy) and there is no compulsion in Islam. He said he (Alex) cannot force anything on me. He has to consult with me. Referring to me, my Wali said, “She is your wife. She is fragile. Be gentle. Be kind to her.”
My wali then reminded Alex, as he had done on several occasions, that he would always be there for him if he (Alex) needed to reach out. He reminded Alex that he has his (my wali’s) phone number, and could call him anytime. The conversation then ended with my wali saying, “As Salaamu Alaikum” and he hung-up.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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travel 4 less!
June 4th, 2009 on 10:30 PM
What did the Wali mean by "Shut it down"? What was Alex’s response to the Wali’s phone call?
Most importantly – how are you doing now?
June 5th, 2009 on 4:16 PM
CM, I’m sorry for taking so long to get back to you. To answer your question, "How am I doing now?"… You have a way of visiting at the most opportune times. I’m going through xxxx on earth. This morning, before he left for work, Alex left me a new schedule (Carolinah, my, and his days) for the next two months. I woke up and I found the schedule on top of my laptop. Alex had already left our house hours ago.
Needless to say, the schedule wasn’t to my liking. He gave July 4, 5, and 6 to her and they are supposed to be my days. I emailed him and said I wanted July 4, 5, and 6 that are supposed to be my days. He said, "NO!"-My question is: WHAT HAPPENED TO MUTUAL CONSULTATION that he and my wali just recently spoke about? Yes. I FREAKED. Yes. I called his work #, his cell #, his Blackberry and I emailed him. After I started going into his voicemail, I turned on the TV and began recording the TV into his personal cell phone and Blackberry.
I left an email for Alex saying I wanted to mediate with him and my Wali on Monday evening and he should have a representative from his side there, as well. Finally, he telephoned me back, asking me what my malfunction was. He then advised me to call my wali and let him know that he’d be there at my wali’s house, today, at 3:00 p.m. to discuss this matter. I called my wali and he said the meeting would be OK. I faxed my wali a copy of the schedule that Alex had left me this morning. After glancing at it, my wali advised me the entire schedule was crazy nonsense. Alex and my wali should be meeting as I write.
June 5th, 2009 on 4:44 PM
Regarding the phrase,"Shut it down," my wali was, in essence, telling Alex to get control, to stop being manipulated and tell Carolinah and me to-pretty much-shut up. Shut up is my words to put it bluntly. My wali was telling Alex to put an end to our blabbering when it begins. Alex told my wali…Carolinah said, blah, blah, blah and Ana said, blah, blah, blah. My wali basically told Alex to "put a cap on it" (the blah, blah, blah, in his face), "shut it down", "squash it" when it begins. I hope I’m making sense. Alex got the picture. It’s sought of like a man’s thing.
After Alex and my wali had that conversation, everything was my idea of beautiful from that point forward. Alex came home, was nice and kind to me-no mention of his conversation with my wali. We had a wonderful time for three days. And then, this morning, BAM!!! he hit me, just like that (No, definitely not physically- he laid the schedule on me). I didn’t even see it coming.
June 5th, 2009 on 7:15 PM
I am so sorry that things are bad again. I wish you could just have a period away from all of this so that you could think things through clearly.
Ana, Do you love Alex? Is that why you stay in this never ending nightmare? It just does not seem to get any better for you. Is it worth staying in this marriage and possibly risking your physical and emotional health?
Your Wali is right – this marriage is not built on a strong foundation. And after 2 1/2 years you clearly are still having a hard time dealing with polygamy. If you could see the future and could see that things will always be like they are now, would you stay in this marriage? How much more can you take before you have a physical or emotional breakdown?
I hope your Wali can help you figure out the best course of action for youself and your marriage. I really want you to have a happy ending to all of this, one way or another!
June 5th, 2009 on 9:23 PM
CM, all of the questions you posed to me are excellent questions. And I thank you for causing me to think of the answers. Yes. I love Alex. But, what exactly is that (love) thing? Do I love Alex? Do I love marriage? Do I love the legality of having a Marriage License and the battle with Carolinah?
I’ve been thinking all day about the famous Ike and Tina Turner. Perhaps you saw the movie about their lives, "What’s Love Got to Do with It" with Angela Bassett and Laurence Fishburne. In divorce court, Tina Turner advised the Judge that she’d walk away with absolutely nothing accept her (stage) name-"Tina Turner." She said she’d give up everything, only if she could keep her (stage) name. Tina Tuner said, she worked too hard for it-her name. She was adamant and determined. She had a "breakdown" before divorcing Ike but she recovered.
I am adamant and determined, as well. I share Tina Turner’s sentiments. The only difference is I refuse to give up my Marriage License. I worked too hard for it. I waited all my life, since I was seventeen years old, to find a "suitable" man to marry, have a Marriage License, and be able to live the lifestyle that I live. I will not give up my Marriage License and all the benefits that I am entitled to under it. Alex said I’d have to divorce him, as he will not divorce me.
I haven’t spoken with my wali or Alex yet. My intention is to go with whatever my wali suggests, as I trust he will look out for my best interest and Judge fairly even if it means me not getting July 4, 5, and 6. Perhaps Alex has some "Secret Plans" with Carolinah for those days. My wali alway advises me, using Quran as his criteria. I will try to exercise patience and wait to see what has been decided.
Thank you for being so understanding and honest, speaking how you truly feel. Will this nightmare ever end? Is it OK to hold onto my Marriage License, the equivalent of Tina Turner’s name? Can polygamy eventually bring me closer to God?
June 6th, 2009 on 2:17 AM
As salaamu aalaykum,
((HUGS)) I hurt for you. I am making dua for you like crazy (its the last one third of the night where I live). May Allah swt make your plight easier. Ameen and may he reward you for the times that you have been patient and may Allah swt forgive you for the times you have transgressed ameen. May He swt heal your bruised heart ameen. I love you for the sake of Allah swt sister and I pray you find solace and peace in you heart. Although I am not living a polygamous life like you, I have survived many things childhood cancer, being raped from age 4-7 (every night), being abused by my mom among other things. Sometimes forgiveness has very little to do with the person you are forgiving but rather YOU. I am only 23.
I have contemplated bringing the subject of polygamy to my husband for consideration. Considering I know a number of very pious sisters who can’t find a suitable mate but I guess I was being too naive. I had no idea what being in a polygamous marriage was like. I am a Hispanic convert and in my culture it is usually understood that at one point during the marriage the man will have one or two affairs with one or two offsprings. I guess seeing it from that perspective I always felt polygamy was a way to protect women and keep men in check. AllahuaAlem
you are in my prayers sister
wa salaam
June 6th, 2009 on 2:21 AM
how come the posts aren’t showing up?
June 6th, 2009 on 12:58 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Sister Umm Ibraheem,
Thank you. Sister (hugs) to you too. Hugs do make us feel better. Thank you for making dua for me. I got up this morning feeling very happy. Allah SWT answers prayers.
I’m inspired by your high spirit and enthusiasm. You are extraordinarily strong to have had such a traumatic life at such a young age. Here’s my motto again: "Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger." Your words fill the air around me with the spirit of joy and happiness. You are such a help to people who have been through not even an inkling of what you’ve survived. Sharing what has happened to you makes the rest of us want to keep chugging forward and gives us tremendous hope.
Please just keep in mind my story of my life with polygamy is just one life (of course I have to include my husband and his other wife); It is by the way NOT the "norm" for what to expect, if you decide to live polygamy. It just gives you a glimpse of some of the problems that I have experienced, and what others who share their experiences here have experienced, as well. All are welcome to share their experiences here. It’s not supposed to just be about me.
You said you "contemplated" polygamy for you and your husband, and considered bringing it to his attention. That’s a very good start and a sound foundation on which to build a polygamous life. I believe there can be much beauty in polygamy for those with a strong Faith, trust and belief in God – a strong foundation.
I pray Allah continues to bless you immensely, reward you in this life and the Hereafter for all the good you’ve done and are doing for others. May Allah bless you sister.
You are in my prayers
Wa Salaam
June 27th, 2009 on 12:15 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum sister,
Your story has moved me and I wanted to reach out to you. I happened upon your post while searching for information on plural marriage. I am a christian woman. I have been with the love of my life for 15 years. We have not gotten married because we live a polygamous life with his second "wife" of 11 years. We live harmoniously and work well together for our family. Being christian women we are struggling to solidify or relationships with him and each other. We want to marry but are afraid of the consequences and do not have the support of our families. As women we are both experiencing emotional distress because of this. She and I both have had traumatic events in our lives that took place before we met him. We love him and have a commitment to him. We want to make that commitment before God and sanctify our union. He too wants this but does not want to endure the consequences of the laws of the state. For this he has not married either of us for he too feels that he cannot grant a marriage liscense to one and not the other. I am open to any advise you have for us.
My prayers are with you
June 27th, 2009 on 5:42 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Sister QH, It means very much to me that you reached out. It was very kind of you. It appears you have a beautiful plural family although there are hardships as there are in all and any type of marriage, monogamous or polygamous.
It sounds like the love of your life wants to be just and fair, which is beautiful. He doesn’t want to complicate your lives even further by introducing a Marriage License. As you already know a Marriage License would only add to the uneasiness that the man you love already has about the consequences of the laws of the state. You and your sister wife (I hope I’m using the appropriate name-sister wife) would have more animosity between the two of you, if a Marriage License is given only one of you. There’s no question only one of you could be given a Marriage License.
I can’t suggest you forego a Marriage License, as that is what I have; I’m holding onto it with all my might, and would fight to keep it. So to say don’t get one would be hypocritical on my part. To say get one would go entirely against what is fair and just.
I’m hoping someone else would come forward with some advice or suggestions.
Thank you again for reaching out
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
June 28th, 2009 on 7:14 AM
Hi QH
I’m a monogamous Christian man, and a friend of Ana’s. Like Ana, I think it’s great that your husband is seeking to do the right thing by both you and your sister wife.
I would ask though, why do you feel you need a marriage certificate to sanctify your union before God? Do you love each other? Are you truly committed to each other for life? Have you consummated this love and commitment? If so, what do you believe a legal document will prove to God?
I guess this comes back to what your definition of ‘marriage’ is. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a legally recognized marriage (I have one), but I believe the principles of love and commitment are more important.
There is the question of submitting to the governing authorities (as discussed in Romans 13). So consider the laws in your country and try to abide by them. The way I look at it, if the law says nothing about a man having sex with more than one women, then what problem does it have with a man being committed to loving and caring for those same women? What is the spirit of this law? The protection of women perhaps? Simplification of family tax laws? If it were me, I’d be guided by your conscience. If your husband is committed to caring for and protecting both of you, and you’re not cheating the government out of tax revenue, can you not make the commitment between the three of you and God and still live in harmony with the laws of your country?
Anyway, these are just my thoughts. You need to pray about it and be guided by your own conscience.
‘But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.’ (Galatians 5:22-23)