My Wedding Anniversary & Polygamy
by ana on Jun.07, 2009, under my story today
So, it’s Alex and my wedding anniversary day. Alex is a very romantic person. For example, he does the flower thing on no special occasion. He was looking forward to our anniversary before Carolinah started her attempt to dictate how things would be, where Alex would be and when.
Alex did not mention our anniversary the entire day. I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie. He said he wouldn’t mind. He, however, showed no enthusiasm about doing it. I asked if he wanted to go to the theater. He said we could take a train into the City to avoid the holiday traffic and see a play, if I wanted to. He said just let him know and he’d order tickets online. Still, he showed no enthusiasm. I could tell he really did not want to do any of those things.
Alex left the house one time that day and I thought it was to call Carolinah. I was hoping he’d come back with flowers. But, it didn’t happen. There was no romance. He didn’t seem happy. It was as if it was just another day and another night.
The next day was still our anniversary (Memorial Day). Our actual wedding ceremony was the day before and our formal wedding reception was the next day (seven years ago). Still, he didn’t say, “Happy Anniversary” or anything. He left the house one time that day and I think it possibly was to call Carolinah. I thought he’d come back with flowers, but he didn’t.
I was at my wit’s end. That is when the conflict began. I can’t remember exactly how, but we started to talk. He said Carolinah wanted her days back because she had given them to me. He said he knew I had text her, as he had not told her that he and I were going on vacation and where. (Carolinah apparently scheduled Alex and me to have an extra three days together for our anniversary, not knowing he had already planned (several months in advance) our vacation to celebrate our anniversary.) He said Carolinah wanted to punish him and me. I told him I didn’t want the extra three days and to give them back. (I figured I play her game.) He said he wasn’t going to do that.
Throughout the night we went back and forth. I told him not to ever give me anything in the future that I didn’t ask for. I reminded him that he always speaks about being “fair and just”; I told him to make sure the next time he and Carolinah celebrate their “anniversary” that he sits at home with her and watch TV as he had done with me. He had set a precedent for the year 2009. I told him I would remember our anniversary as the day that I regretted having married him.
I kept going back and forth at Alex the way I had done 2 1/2 years ago. Alex’s patience was not the same. I went into the bedroom and said something else to Alex. He jumped out of bed. I fled into the living room. He stormed into the living room and saw me sitting on the sofa, trembling uncontrollably. He said, “You just can’t keep coming at me like that.” I yelled for him to get away from me and I ran into the bedroom. He followed me there, as well. I yelled for him to get away from me. I went back into the living room. I was hysterical. He went and got me a glass of water, and told me to drink it, but I didn’t. Meanwhile, I had curled up into a little ball, as small as I could get, and I couldn’t stop crying. I kept praying to God that He wouldn’t let me be the one to breakdown first.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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travel 4 less!
June 1st, 2009 on 1:31 PM
All I can say to this post is that marriage is supposed to be a place of refuge…a place to forget the world and relax on the couch at the end of the day and forget all that bullshit outside the front door. Nobody wants to come home (or have the spouse come home) and bring this sort of drama home with them. Its almost like you two (or 3) are opponents in a boxing match…looking for the KO but will be happy for a judges decision in your favor…in other words both of you (all 3 of you) want to be the eventual winner. Who wants to be in a marriage that is basically a contest…to see who is the eventual victor…
Alex…having two wives that are just there to please him and dont care about the other woman in his life..so he can relax in which ever house he happens to be in.
Carolina…wanting a "proper" marriage that she didnt enter in a proper way…but expecting and demanding it none the less…and to hell with feelings or turmoil caused to everyone else.
You…wanting to believe by the sheer force of your will and stubborness that you can poof Carolina out of existence and things can go back to the way they were.
None of you are ever going to get what you wish for…soon as you all realize this then the next step is to either find a way through it…or decide to go your own ways.
A marriage based on anger, one upmanship, jealousy and spite is no marriage anyone should want to be in.
All this is my own personal opinions…hope they dont offend.
June 1st, 2009 on 2:36 PM
Ana, my heart breaks for you. I pray that you are able to find the strength to pull through this and overcome this obstacle that is holding you back. Alex not celebrating you anniversary properly, not even acknoweleging it is strange. Then sneaking off to what one could assume could only be to call Carolinah is even worse. I can completly understand why you feel like it is an affair. Because Alex allows Carolinah to do whatever she pleases. Don’t play her game, you are better than that, than them.
Krystelle
June 1st, 2009 on 3:35 PM
Coolred38, you do not offend me at all. I always appreciate your meaningful, sound input. Perhaps you are right; maybe, subconsciously, I am thinking that Alex would leave Carolinah, making it just the two of us again.
However, the commitment that Alex made with Carolinah concerning her home and his financial investments in her let me know that a divorce is not logical. I would never concede to him divorcing Carolinah, and have him continue to pay her substantial amounts of monies. He would have to continue to pay, as he must fulfill his legal, contractual obligations to her, regarding the home equity loan and whatever else he has his name on with her. I don’t think Alex would walk away from his investments either. He might as well continue to be intimate with her, if he’s paying.
Do you think Carolinah, Alex and my lives would be easier, if I divorced Alex? Would it allow Alex to go off and marry Carolinah, giving her a "proper" marriage? Would it relieve some of Alex’s stress? What would divorcing Alex do for me?
I enjoy the institution of marriage. I enjoy being a First wife. I enjoy having a valid Legal Marriage License. Should I stay married, and just allow Alex to stress out, running about trying to please two women? Should I sit back and bask in the thought that Carolinah has to be content with being a "mistress"- for now. After all, I did not ask Alex to go get another "wife." I didn’t ask Carolinah to come join Alex and me in plural marriage so we could live as a family. What responsibility do I have in all of this?
The insanity is going to subside soon; I believe. Again, whatever does not kill us makes us stronger. "With hardship comes ease."
June 1st, 2009 on 3:50 PM
Krystelle, thank you so much for caring and understanding…It’s been real crazy. You’re right about not playing their game. It’s should be about which of us (you, everyone here, and me) are best in conduct. We should be striving as in a race to be the better person. That is what separates each of us. I admit to the "nasty" texts. I have and I am paying for sending them. Nonetheless, everything happens for a reason. Carolinah got to see how Alex lies. I got confirmation Carolinah has been ruling Alex and my lives. I don’t know what Alex got to see. What did Alex get to see?
June 1st, 2009 on 5:18 PM
Your post to coolred made me laugh. "He might as well be intimate with her if he’s paying for it right?" . Do you really think with all the stress and how "profoundly unattractive" you describe Carolinah to be that they are truly intimate? I don’t think your lives would be easier with a divorce. There is a big difference in your marraige with Alex and hers. Aside from the obvious legality of it, you are his first wife, and he chose you out of…love? With Carolinah from your describtion of the situation Alex took her on as his wife more as him trying to do the right thing, trying to help her. I think that the only responsibility that you have in this marriage is to be Alex’s first wife. You should take control of the situation from however you can and do what makes you the happiest. Maybe the schedule wasn’t something you wanted before, maybe it still isn’t but, you need to find someway to gain some control over at least your part of the marriage. With hardship comes ease, but I also believe that hardship breeds understanding. It will come. I think Alex may begin to see that he is only one man, and he can not continue to try to lead two completely separate lives. He will be the one who is tired and stressed, because he can not satisfy not one but two separate wives.
June 2nd, 2009 on 10:41 AM
Ana,
This post is very worrisome. Your physical safety has to come first. I hope that I am reading it correctly that Alex did not actually physically harm you, but it comes across that his behavior to you was threatening. "you can’t keep coming at me like that." Or what…?
I also think it unfortunate that you seem not to be able to have conversations with Alex about your situation. It seems that when you try to discuss your situation he either refers you to Carolinah, which is ridiculous, or you both explode in anger.
That he needs to stay married to her for the sake of the house makes little sense. Plenty of people enter into investment deals with each other without sharing beds. If you don’t believe they can simply deal with each other as two business associates sharing an investment, they can sell the house. Sure, you would probably take a loss in this climate, but its not a reason to keep Carolinah as a spouse.
Would you be better off divorced? That really all depends on what you get out of your marriage. What is a deal breaker for you? I hope for your sake that physical violence would be. Beyond that, you have indicated that you are not even sure you would want a full time marriage any more, so what do you want? I think it would be valuable for you to think about what you really want, and then be able to discuss that with Alex calmly, and refuse any attempt to deflect on his part.
I agree with Krystelle that you need to gain control over your marriage. If you can figure out what your bottom line is, and Alex can not provide that, then you have your answer. If you can’t figure it out on your own, it could be helpful to talk to a neutral third party who is aware of your circumstances. You have mentioned before that you have a Wali, so that might be a good person to start with.
June 2nd, 2009 on 1:56 PM
Krystelle, I keep wondering about the "unattractive" aspect of Carolinah. Ummabdur Rahmaan, in a previous comment said, "Actually I have learned that doesn’t matter…Read my post about crap on a stick….." "Crap on a Stick" can still be a "threat." Please correct me if I misspoke what you were said, Ummabdur Rahmaan. Do we often underestimate a man’s capability of being content with "Crap on a Stick?"
I remember one time Alex and I visited his mother. He told his mother we were late getting there because I was putting on my makeup. His mother said, "We’ll that’s nice she wants to look pretty" – It went something like that. Alex replied, "I don’t care about that." His mother looked at Alex as though he was crazy. I was all confused by that response myself. (Was he with Carolinah at that time in our lives, as well, and I didn’t know about it?) Don’t women want men who can appreciate their beauty?
I try not to down play their (Alex and Carolinah’s) intimacy with each other. Alex once before said he and she weren’t intimate and I hadn’t even asked. I replied, "I’m not a fool." I began thinking-well, perhaps they weren’t. After all, I didn’t ask for that information. Then one day he left his cell phone home (He forgot it.) and I checked his texts… although I knew I was terribly wrong to do it. He said in a text to Carolinah, "I was thinking about the last time we had sex." What did that mean?
I’m going to take your advice about doing what makes me happiest and try to get more control of the situation. A strong beginning would be for me to take my attention off Carolinah and Alex, and turn my attention to the "Higher Authority… God."
You said, "Hardship breeds understanding." I’m beginning to understand more and more each day. It’s all a part of growth right?
Do women in a "mistress" like situations (I’m not speaking of respectful second, third and fourth wives, but "mistress/wife" like Carolinah) feel an obligation of intimacy associated with their position?
June 2nd, 2009 on 3:20 PM
Nasrin,
The situation last week did almost become volatile. There was no physical abuse. I thank Allah. I have to take some responsibility for my words and actions, as well. I can’t just keep hemming him up in a corner and think he won’t defend himself and attack back. So, I’m more cautious now and I’m exercising more self-restraint.
That day, I advised Alex to never mention Carolinah to me again. I advised him that I changed my mind about communicating with him about her. It’s not a good time for those conversations right now.
I have been speaking with my Wali about the situation. He said it’s difficult to give me advice, as he doesn’t know if I’m strong enough to go with what he’d suggest. He said it would be like taking me out into the middle of the ocean, knowing I don’t know how to swim yet, and telling me to jump in.
After what happened on Memorial Day, I met with my Wali the next day and told him what happened. I asked him to call Alex and he did. I’m going to post about that conversation next.
June 6th, 2009 on 12:01 AM
I came across your blog looking for resources for my private invite only forum on Attachment Parenting within the confines of Islam. I have a subforum there dealing with co-families and I wanted to add your link as well as some of your posts. my sites url & my email are there for you to contact me