Wali as a Protector of Women in Polygamous Marriages
by ana on Jun.07, 2009, under polygamy - the aftermath, Section 1
Should a wali be a protector of a woman in a polygamous marriage? More often than not, a woman in a polygamous marriage who does not have someone to look after her interests and concerns, with respect to her being treated fairly and kindly by her husband, falls victim to the husband’s abuse. The abuse could be psychological, emotional or physical. Nonetheless, it is abuse.
When a husband knows there is a male figure in the wife’s family (father, brother, uncle) or a wali who will confront the husband and hold him accountable for his treatment of the wife, there is less chance of total mistreatment of the wife by the husband. In a case where the wife has no Muslim family member, a wali would probably be a good substitute.
A man is supposed to be the ”maintainer and protector” of women. A wali could be the man that maintains and protects a woman that needs an intermediary in polygamous marriages. I think a wali’s intervention would serve somewhat as a check and balance system. A wali can help keep a man in check, and balance the situation, so to speak. My understanding is that a wali’s position is that of a guardian or guide. Please correct me, if I am wrong.
In cases where a woman has no extended family, no male family member, nor a wali, laws of States or Countries are good to enforced and help protect the rights of wives in polygamous marriages. What do you think?
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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travel 4 less!
June 8th, 2009 on 11:14 PM
Everyone should look out for all women in all marriages and be wiiling to help wives who are
abused. What’s a Wali?
June 9th, 2009 on 2:26 AM
I think its’ easiest for me to use a definition from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Walī (Arabic ولي, plural Awliyā’ أولياء), is an Arabic word meaning "trusted one"; it generally denotes "friend of God" in the phrase ولي الله walīyu ‘llāh It should not be confused with the word Wāli (Arabic: والي)
"Islam stipulates that in order to conclude her marriage, the Muslim bride must have a guardian or wali, who is usually her father. Since the woman – despite her Islamically granted independence – was always subject to the desires of the ill-hearted and evil opportunists;" Quote from Islamonline.
I’ve always understood a wali to be a guardian and is usually needed to assist a Muslim woman in her selection of a mate and in executing the marriage contract. I see a wali as being beneficial to any Muslim woman who has no male Muslim family member that could represent her interests.
Kathleen, that was a very good question, as probably many people were wondering the same thing. Thank you for asking!
I agree with you that every woman needs protection from abuse and help from one another in assuring that protection.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
June 9th, 2009 on 4:40 AM
"More often than not, a woman in a polygamous marriage who does not have someone to look after her interests and concerns, with respect to her being treated fairly and kindly by her husband, falls victim to the husband’s abuse."
I find this statement… especially with the phrase "more often than not" to be completely untrue. Most polygamous families do not have abuse of any kind! To say they do, is just more misinformation and plays into the stereotypes that loving polygamous families are trying so hard to overcome!
June 9th, 2009 on 10:36 AM
Actually, while it makes sense to designate one specific person to be her wali…according to Islam…the community itself should really be her wali…in that other Muslims should concern themselves with womens care and protection and help when needed…to take action and give advice etc when they know abuse it occuring. Unfortunately in the Muslim society in general the head in the sand mentality prevails and domestic abuse of any kind is generally not spoken of or acknowledged.
If there is someone in your lives that has influence over your husbands actions etc and acts as some kind of buffer then all the better for you. It doesnt necessarily have to be a "wali" but can also be a friend with your best interest at heart.
June 9th, 2009 on 3:04 PM
M, my humble apologies if, by saying "more often than not", I misspoke. As I have no statistics to backup the phrase, the more appropriate word would be "sometimes." Of course we’re not going to get all stuffy here and start citing stats…that would be crazy, boring, bull crap, if you ask me. (Smile)
I do stand corrected. No way did I want to misinform or add to the stereotypes that already exist about polygamous families. God has given men more (strength) than women. I do know many men have been known to exercise excessive, undue control over the weak (women and children), and have used their power and authority to do so. Thus, sometimes, we have abuse of power.
June 9th, 2009 on 4:54 PM
Coolred38, thank you for shedding much light on a wali and the responsibilities. It is sad that the "head in the sand" mentality exist in the Muslim society.
I have to reiterate what you said, as you were so precise. You stated, “If there is someone in your lives that has influence over your husbands actions etc and acts as some kind of buffer then all the better for you. It doesnt necessarily have to be a "wali" but can also be a friend with your best interest at heart.” You were very helpful to all of us, without doubt. I know of no one who could have explained it better.
I’m aware of instances, in cities near my home, where there are women who have gone to the Masjids (Mosques), and sought assistance in cases where they had been physically abused by their husbands. They received no help. There have been cases where women have gone to Masjids for financial assistance in situations where they were homeless, burned out, or requested assistance in finding a husband, but were turned away.
I’ve known situations in which women were denied assistance; however, at the same time, persons were running about, collecting monies in the Muslim communities to build new Masjids. Constructing a building was more important than helping lives, as if there weren’t enough Masjids in the areas. And many of the times the Masjids were never built, although monies were collected for them.
June 9th, 2009 on 9:24 PM
I think we can all agree (Muslim and Christian) that the husband is supposed to be the protector of his wife/wives?
I used to read the odd comic book as a kid, and one of my favorite characters was Spider-Man. Spidey’s credo, the revelation that lead him to use his powers to protect others (instead of for selfish gain), was:
‘With great power comes great responsibility’
Jesus taught the same thing:
‘From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.’ (Luke 12:48)
Obviously God gave men more physical strength than women, and if you believe God gave the husband a leadership role in the home, then a man has greater power in more than just physical strength. Whether we like it or not, that is the way it tends to work out in most cultures — with the men dominating in positions of leadership and power. When someone in a position of power focuses more on his RIGHT to that power than on his RESPONSIBILITY to exercise his power responsibly, you have a dangerous situation. I could come up with a very long list of Bible verses condemning such misuse of power, but I think I’d be preaching to the converted. The point is, if a husband fails in his duty to protect his wife or, even worse, if he becomes the very person who his wife needs protecting from, I believe God takes that very seriously and will hold him accountable.
That is not to say women don’t have responsibility too. A woman can have a very powerful sway over a man. She may have less physical power, but she can build a man up or tear him down with her words and her behavior. Still, I believe God has given the greater responsibility of peace and protection in the family to the husband. We men should not take on this responsibility lightly.
I guess I should finally get to the question huh… If a husband is abusive, who should care for the wife? That’s such a difficult question, because it’s starting from a position that should never happen in the first place. In cases of obvious physical abuse, most people would agree that the wife should leave her husband for her own safety. I am very much against divorce, but when a man abuses his wife, he is clearly violating the covenant he made before God. In that sense, he is the one who broke the covenant of marriage, not his wife — so I think she is free to leave.
If the abuse is of a more subtle nature, then it’s hard to know what to do. When is it something the husband and wife need to work through? When should a third party become involved? People on the outside of a marriage need to be so careful about getting involved. When someone steps in to protect a wife against her husband, they are undermining the honor and integrity of that man, and that can be a very damaging thing. Don’t get me wrong — sometimes that may be needed. But if we get it wrong, I think it can do more harm than good. Sometimes parents are guilty of meddling too much in their children’s marriages. It’s understandable, because they love their kids so much, but again, it can undermine the position of a husband or wife in their own home.
I have been guilty of this myself. Some years ago a good friend of mine got married, and not too long into the marriage, I spent some time traveling with them and some other friends. During that time I witnessed what I thought were some very unfair attitudes toward his wife. His wife seemed to be very patient with him, but I couldn’t stand what I was seeing, and after a while I lost my temper with him. I actually threatened to hit him if he didn’t pull his head in and show proper respect to his wife, and I did that in front of her.
I am ashamed of what I did now. There was a lot more to the story than I was aware of at the time. Whereas my friend wore his heart on his sleeve, his wife was better at putting on a good show in the company of others. I’m not saying my friend’s behavior was justified, but there are always two sides to a story. Deep down my friend has a good heart, but it was hurting — deeply, and with good reason. He didn’t need harsh judgement — he needed a friend to pull him aside privately and try to understand what was going on. Instead, through my ignorant interference, I just wounded him more, and humiliated him further in front of his wife.
I guess what I would draw out of the experience is this… Surely the goal of any marriage is to increase mutual love, trust and respect. If that’s not the goal, then what’s the point? Any involvement by a third party (be it a ‘wali’, pastor, counsellor, friend, whoever) should be one that moves a husband and wife towards true reconciliation so that the third party is no longer needed to mediate between them. In a truly healthy marriage, the family doesn’t need constant supervision for the protection of anyone. Instead, the family itself becomes a place of safety and healing for others — especially children.
June 9th, 2009 on 10:47 PM
Donald, hey there. I’m very happy you’re back! You sure did bring with you a whole lot of interesting, insightful information to digest. I’m going back to your comment now to finish reading and re-read, slowly. WOW…
June 10th, 2009 on 1:15 AM
Donald is right about something there (well more than one thing but Im being specific)…he said speaking out can cause humiliation and more harm…especially if done in the wrong way.
You did mention before that Alex got extremely upset when he knew you had spoken to your wali about your troubles. Of course he was upset because he was "caught" but also because he felt embarrassed to be in the spotlight to a fellow brother. No doubt he chose to ignore your wali as a form of pride and self defense…merely because he felt "called out" on the issue.
You might think about that when having your wali speak to him…maybe it would be better (just thinking) if your wali approached him more from a man/friend interested in his life and wanting to catch up and all…rather than a messenger with his wifes latest complaints? Might keep the feathers from being ruffled and Alex more open to receiving helpful advice etc.
Just thinking out loud.
Donald…great post.
June 10th, 2009 on 2:10 AM
Coolred38, I’m thinking you’re right. The proper approach is very important when a wali approaches a husband. My wali and Alex never got along; although my wali tried numerous times. For me, it’s just so difficult understanding the whole male ego, pride, embarrassment and humiliation thing. Men are so different than woman.
You and Donald brought to my consciousness that I need to take into consideration Alex’s manhood. I have been stripping away at his dignity quite a bit lately, saying he’s unable to take a position and that he’s being yanked and pulled back and forth and around by Carolinah and me, and things of that nature. I need to take it easy.
Once a woman starts losing respect or has lost respect for her husband, is it all over, or can she get it back?
That was a wonderful post, Donald.
June 10th, 2009 on 3:57 AM
Thank you Coolred and Ana. It’s nice to be complimented on a post… which leads me back to this whole question about the male ego…
I agree Ana, that men and women tend to be (generally speaking) quite different in the way we think. The differences can be overstated though. Deep down I think we all want similar things in relationships — in particular love and respect. I’ve heard it said that respect is more important to a man, and love is more important to a woman. I don’t know if that is true, but I have to admit… respect does seem to be a big issue for many guys, including me. I mentioned Spider-Man before… As a kid I wanted to be him. (Okay, just between you and me, I still do.) I know it sounds stereotypical and old fashioned, but don’t boys want to be the heros and rescue the beautiful girls? I think as men we still want that — to be considered worthy, to be considered useful, to be needed and even admired for what we do. Nothing knocks us down harder than the disdain of our woman. I touched on this in my last comment — woman can cut you down to nothing with a word, or even a look of disgust. I’ve never (thankfully!) had to ride a horse into battle or fight for my life like so many men have had to do throughout history, but I bet you anything those men fought more bravely and successfully knowing that their wife/wives loved them and respected them.
June 10th, 2009 on 8:06 AM
"Once a woman starts losing respect or has lost respect for her husband, is it all over, or can she get it back?…"
Generally the one that loses something is also the one that finds it…as they eventually remember where or when they last seen it…hint hint. (my fortune cookie answer…lol)
June 10th, 2009 on 12:32 PM
That was very heavy, very profound. It sounded really good. (Smile) It feels good to laugh.
June 10th, 2009 on 7:16 PM
June 10th, 2009 on 7:41 PM
You’re cracking me up. How’d you do that smiley face…
June 10th, 2009 on 11:45 PM
Sorry Ana… I’ve lost all respect for you now, seeing as you don’t know how smileys work on your own blog!
;P
Love
Donald
June 11th, 2009 on 11:41 AM
Now, look what you’ve done… smile. I now have the incentive to go find the smiley face. I’ll have him up and running by the weekend, if it pleases God. What is ;P? I guess there’s no better time to start learning the lingo.
June 11th, 2009 on 8:25 PM
Darn, the wink and tongue poke combination doesn’t have an equivalent icon… Now I am embarrassed.
Come on Ana, even CM knows how to do smileys!
June 11th, 2009 on 9:02 PM
Hey there Donald, lighten up. Smile. It’s not that easy for me. I’m operating on a different system than many bloggers. I have to install programs and do all the technical stuff myself… uploading and administrative things. I haven’t even seen the smiley system to upload. I’m sure it exist. I just haven’t found the time to locate the plugin for it yet..That’s why you guys can’t preview and edit your comments before you send them; only I can. I have to set that program up myself and it is indeed not easy. I’m learning as I go. So much to do, so little time…
June 11th, 2009 on 9:26 PM
Hey Ana, I was only kidding around.
I’m not doing any technical magic, just standard text characters like : ) and : D but without the space in between. They are automatically getting converted to little icons by your software.
Wow, I’m impressed that you do all the technical stuff yourself. Since you weren’t just using Blogger, Word Press, etc, I had just assumed you had a technical friend to do all the setup for you. I shouldn’t make such sexist assumptions should I!
June 11th, 2009 on 9:33 PM
Donald, OK… You guys have totally confused me. I was just thinking…some of you are putting smiley faces over here somehow when you comment. Anyhow…I’ll figure it out soon. A new post is on its way. STAY TUNED…smile
June 11th, 2009 on 11:12 PM
Donald, it’s all good. No offense taken. Comments like yours keep me grounded. I start getting ready to flip and then I pull myself together and remember…hey this is my friend. I can freak on Alex…but I shouldn’t freak on my friend.
My best friend walked me through the initial set up and then said I was on my own. Blogging helps me leave him alone. He’s soo busy with all his own stuff. So, I’m kind of feeling my way around. Thank you for teaching me how the icons are converted. I don’t think your assumption was sexist; it was only an assumption. We all make them.
June 11th, 2009 on 11:42 PM
My teasing about the smileys is just my silly sense of humor. It probably comes from being the oldest child growing up and teasing my younger sister. Next time I do it just punch me in the arm — that’s what she used to do.
June 12th, 2009 on 5:30 PM
What Donald isn’t telling you is that I had to ask what
means also. And he told me how to do it. I don’t know how he is doing the yellow smiles though.
So how are you making yellow smiles, Donald?
June 12th, 2009 on 5:31 PM
Hey! I made yellow smiles! Whats with that? You have a cool blog Ana. I am impressed!
June 12th, 2009 on 8:07 PM
Hey there CM,
Thanks! Your blog is cool too. I’m glad we all met. We can all learn so much from one another.
God is Great!
June 12th, 2009 on 8:17 PM
CM, we can’t punch Donald in his arm, as we don’t know where to find him. So we have to punch his brain sometimes with words. We have to remember not to hurt him though, as we must try to say those things that are good. smile
June 12th, 2009 on 8:20 PM
I hope we’re not excluding any of our visitors. We don’t want any one to feel unwelcomed, uncomfortable, or out of place. So if any one out there is feeling that way, please let us know and we’ll get our house in order. Thank you!
June 13th, 2009 on 3:40 AM
June 13th, 2009 on 8:24 PM
Donald
June 14th, 2009 on 6:41 AM
Way to go Ana! That is without a doubt the best smiley I’ve ever seen. See, you just had to step out in faith…
December 15th, 2009 on 9:38 AM
Salaam To One and All,
Regarding the Wali: The family of the wife should be her first defence in any abusive situation, which usually means her father or brother. Civil behaviours have degenerated along with the ummah’s understanding of it’s responsibilities for each other. Here, most often, we have another case of cowardice on the part of men, and many times it’s because the father of the abused wife is guilty of similar behavior towards his own family.
The state of today’s manhood is abysmal, truly abysmal, especially the macho sport-preoccupied fellows who care more for games than their families. It takes courage to admit one’s mistakes, and it takes courage to confront one’s neighbor or relative with their misbehaviors. One of the greatest problems we have here is that of shame; both on the part of the abused and the abuser and the family wali(s). They’re all ashamed and there is no responsible authority to which one can turn. This is why I say the state of manhood today is abysmal. Men are meant to be the shepherds of their families and communiteis, but secular humanism has got everyone tinking the State is the Wali, and that’s a big lie from hell and a terribly misleading abstraction of reality.
I once had a friend to whom i had introduced a lady he then later promised to marry. without going into details, under abominable conditions he left her standing at the altar on the morning of the wedding after having seduced her the night before. all was arranged and she came to my door before noon in absolute tears.
The short of it is that i called him right away and forced him not to shame her like this. He married her and then quietly dicorced her later, which was to her benefit and face saving here in Asia. essentially, i became her Wali because i felt responsible for having introduced her to the bastard i didn’t know he was!!!
Now ,,, it’s this kind of behaviour on the part of the wali that is missing today. Not that i’m trying to “blow my horn” but am just trying to make a point from a real life experience.
As for her divorce: well … in Islam we muust choose the least of two evils for the most good … this is the malki fiqh position, and it’s the one I took in this situation. even though she loved him, her self-respect could not maintain itself in such a marriage, and her respect and confidence for him as “Wali” was completely destroyed.
what’s more, is that i prevented him from entering into another marriage later to a wonderful lady of good repute and family who had no idea what kind of fellow he was. And up to the event described above, neither did I.
The point is here, that he was a closet misogynist, who didn’t realize it himself and he needed therapy, which is something I forthrightly discussed with him. Now the next point is that i didn’t just turn my head and look the other way when he was about to enter another marriage with a friend of mine without having undertaken the therapy to get right what was wrong in his heart.
This is the job of a shepherd in the community. It’s “Spiderman” to the rescue without the webs but armed with truth, courage, and the Shari’ah. We are instructed as Muslims to prevent our brothers from doing wrong. If we see it and we do not act, we are then held accountable at judgment.
I hope this helps put some things about the wali in perspective.
Wasalaam,
dr omar
March 22nd, 2011 on 1:01 PM
A Wali is a specific male person, usually the father, who is charged with the responsibility of his daughters and without whose permission a Muslim woman can’t get married for the first time. When a Muslim woman has no male Muslim blood relatives the Wali can be appointed by her to represent her in the matter of marriage and can be referred to by her in matters of disputes etc.. Usually the Imaam or any other male person presiding over the marriage ceremony is made the Wali of the woman who has no Muslim male relative. In the latter case the Wali is then said to be her Wakeel.
The other kind of Wali, is usually a name given to a Saintly person. These Saintly people are known for their zuhd (abstinence) and their having abandoned worldly pleasures seeking the Face of God. They are sometimes called Wali Allah. Or plural, Auwliyaa Allah.Meaning, friends of Allah.
Two very different meanings, one being a guardian of his women and the other donating a spiritual guide in Tassawuf or Sufism.