Polygamy Explodes
by ana on Jun.10, 2009, under my story today
Alex and my seventh wedding anniversary is this weekend. Alex had prepared the schedule for Carolinah and me since Jan 1, 2009. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that Alex arrived at my home on Jan. 1, as he wanted to change the schedule. He wanted to stay the night with me so he could be with Carolinah on the weekend. I sent him back to her. Who did they think they were to make changes without consulting me.
Before he left that day, we went over our schedule for the next several months. He and Carolinah apparently had prepared it. Earlier I had informed him that I would not make a schedule, but I would approve or disapprove one. He scheduled us to be together six days during our wedding anniversary instead of our usual three days here and three days there. I wasn’t excited about it nor did I ask for it, but- what the heck. He emphasized his wish to spend each of our anniversaries and birthdays with each of us.
Anyhow, Alex was excited about celebrating our upcoming anniversary. He talked much about it during our vacation last week and when we got home. He had a surprise planned for us.
Well, Alex called me a couple of days ago. He wasn’t expected home until the weekend. He said he would be home that evening. I asked why. He said he’d talk to me about it when he got home. I asked if he and Carolinah had argued. He said, “Yes. What do you think?” Since he was changing the schedule, I wanted to confirm he’d still be home on the weekend for our anniversary. He said, ”No.” He wouldn’t. I told him that he better not come home then. He said he was coming anyhow. I spontaneously said, ”If you come here, I’ll call the cops.” He said he couldn’t go to Carolinah’s house, as she could call the cops. He said it was legal for him to come to my house.
Alex and I were on the phone arguing for the next few hours or more. He said Carolinah was upset about the texts that I had sent her and she and he had argued for the last three days. He said she wanted the schedule to go back to the three days, three days. She changed her mind about letting him stay with me on a six-day schedule for our anniversary. I asked if he was crazy to think he would spend my wedding anniversary with her. He said that was the way she wanted it and I shouldn’t have sent the texts. He said her job gave her off the weekend and she wanted him there with her.
I advised Alex that if Carolinah would not allow him to go there, she forfeited her days. He said, “No.” I told him to go stay at his mother’s home or someplace, but he couldn’t come to my house.
Talking about blood pressure rising… I thought I’d stroke out or something. I told him that woman could run his life but she wasn’t going to run mine. I told him I was calling my friend (Wali). He freaked out, asking me how I could disrespect him by calling another man. We went back and forth. I was hysterical. I called him so many names, such as “a coward, punk” to put it mildly…there was much, much more, of course.
We telephoned each other back and forth. He said he was on the phone with Carolinah trying to convince her to change her mind. I’m like…”ARE YOU CRAZY!” I told him, if he didn’t come here this weekend I was going to go start divorce proceedings Tuesday. He called me back and said he thought he had convinced Carolinah to leave the schedule as it was, as we are to honor contracts.
It’s war now! I’ve calmed down minutely and I’m a bit more rational now. I am not going to divorce Alex. I’m going to live in this polygamous marriage and we will see which of the three of us breaks down first.
I’ll keep you posted on whether Alex and I spend our anniversary together this weekend or whether he celebrates my anniversary with Carolinah.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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May 23rd, 2009 on 1:01 PM
Ana, I am really sorry for what you are going through. Last night when I read your last couple of posts, this thought came to me. Because of how your husband went about taking Carolinah as a wife, for you maybe it feels more like he took a mistress – a "regiously legal mistress". You did not ask for this, you did not consent to this, he told you in the beginning he would not do polygamy, and you did not know he was going to do it until right before he did it. And it seems to me that you don’t really feel like she did it for true religious reasons, i.e. converting right before she marries him. If this is true, no wonder you feel you are at war. It seems like you feel like you are fighting for your marriage, at least the one you thought you had.
It is a tough situation all around and there are no easy answers for you. Hang in there and if you turn to God during these times I know he will help you.
May 23rd, 2009 on 1:41 PM
Hi CM,
I feel so much better now, hearing from you. I’m trying to keep myself occupied while I’m waiting to see if Alex comes home. He’s due home late this afternoon. You summed up my entire situation so nicely and accurately. What you said is exactly the way things are. I am fighting for my marriage now. That’s probably what it is about more than anything else. I think I stayed in the marriage initially for religious reasons, but now it’s become much more personal. It doesn’t seem to me that it’s about polygamy anymore. It definitely was in the beginning.
I’m trying with all my strength to turn my attention to God, like you said, so He would help me. I believe He’s going to do what’s best for me and show me a way through all of this.
You’re the first person (anywhere and everywhere) that I’ve spoken with thus far today. Your message is what I totally needed to hear. I thank God for sending you!
May 23rd, 2009 on 11:53 PM
Ana, this might surprise you, but I like the way you stood up to Alex here and told him to stay at his mother’s place. That actually seems like an appropriate boundary to me, since he is going back on his promises to you.
If Alex keeps behaving like this, he’s going to lose both of you. It’s hard to feel sorry for him when I read a post like this. Maybe he just doesn’t know any better — maybe it all just feels so out of control, he’s operating moment by moment, with little or no idea what his role is supposed to be. Maybe some time at his mother’s place is what he needs to stop and take stock of the mess he has created.
Perhaps if you and Carolinah are both at the point of utter exasperation with Alex, this will be the common ground for you to finally connect with each other! Yeah, okay… maybe not.
I don’t know… Like CM said, it’s just such a tough situation, with no easy answers.
May 24th, 2009 on 12:37 AM
Hey there Donald,
Again, I apologize for being so abrupt with you in my recent previous comments. I was just so agitated with my situation with Alex; it became apparent in my writing. I thank you for being so understanding.
I think you hit the nail on the head (did I say that right?). Alex has no role model for polygamy, no example of anyone practicing it anywhere, and no one to turn to for advice. He’s clueless as to what he’s doing.
Alex is used to taking direction from women who treat him like a son. In this triangular matter, it’s like he has two moms- like commenter "Piggy" said before. Alex is so conflicted, as he has two mini gods (Carolinah and me). We’re both pulling him in different directions and he’s trying to please both of us.
A problem is I’m not good at being "mom." I have no children. I was used to the men (before Alex) in my life giving me advice, direction and guidance. Carolinah and Alex’s ex-wife were the "mom" type – of course, they had kids.
His ex-wife is older than Alex. The other day she told me she raised Alex along with her son. That tells me a whole lot. Looks like Carolinah might have the upper hand, as she could talk to Alex like he’s her child easily. Carolinah can tell Alex where to come and go, what to do and he’ll listen. Alex is an only child. He has no sibblings.
I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can play the "mom" role…don’t want to, too much work. If I wanted a child, I would have had my own. There’s my "if."
Alex’s ex-wife told Alex he could come stay there if he needs a place to stay. Am I embarking on another problem here with her? I’d have a much easier time bonding with his ex before it would happen with Carolinah. And then, who knows-I might view the ex the same way, if she and Alex got back together-his third wife.
It is a tough situation. He came home tonight as scheduled. We haven’t discussed anything. I won’t bring up the subject for now. If he, Alex, is on the verge of a breakdown, I don’t want to push him over the edge. I better get off the computer before the computer becomes an issue in an already complicated, problematic relationship.
Alex has created one huge mess. I believe he realizes it and wish it was a dream.
May 24th, 2009 on 1:40 AM
Hey Ana
Oh, no need to apologize at all. You were just being open and honest and I respect that. I guess I’m trying to inject some useful things to think about as a more objective outsider. Sometimes that can be helpful and sometimes not… I know when someone shares a problem with me I often have the tendency to try and fix it, when sometimes they just need some understanding. So you’ll have to forgive me for that!
Interesting what you say about Alex. That seems to make sense. It’s kind of the vibe I got from your latest post, without quite putting it in the same words. When you’re a little kid, mom is always there to wipe the mess from your chin, and wash your scraped knee when you fall over. When things went wrong with Carolinah, he ran to you, expecting you to bend to her will and avoid the conflict that is really his to deal with.
Yes, perhaps he needs a role model or mentor to help him see where he needs to step up.
May 24th, 2009 on 12:28 PM
Donald,
Apparently Alex wanted to oblidge Carolinah when he advised me that he was going to change the schedule, as she requested. Alex is now here with me. He is following the previously agreed upon schedule. As an objective outsider, what would you recommend, as the best policy in the future- Should I just let him go where he wants to be or compel him to follow a schedule and be with me whether he wants to or not?
Comments from everyone are welcomed, as well.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
May 25th, 2009 on 8:00 AM
That’s a difficult question. Ideally you shouldn’t have to be making these decisions because Alex should stick to his word. If he promises to give you six days during your anniversary, then that is what you should expect. That’s really the point — he set a schedule but didn’t stick to it.
In Islam I assume the husband is supposed to be the leader in the home? It sounds like you want him to be that leader, but just letting him walk over you because he gave in to Carolinah’s demands doesn’t seem like it’s going to help him become that person. I feel like he needs to experience the consequences for his failure to work things out with Carolinah. Well, he is experiencing consequences — you’re all unhappy and at each other’s throats — but that’s probably not helpful either. But if he was forced to spend the odd night alone, staring at the ceiling, thinking about it all…
I don’t know about forcing him to be with you though, or threatening divorce. I can’t see that making things better. He’ll just end up resenting the time spent with you, and probably resenting you.
Ana, I guess all along my advice has come from this assumption that you want your polygamous marriage to be a happy one. But maybe I’ve missed the point. You said, ‘I’m going to live in this polygamous marriage and we will see which of the three of us breaks down first.’ Would you rather see things get so bad that Carolinah breaks? Is that the hope you cling to deep down — that she will get fed up and leave?
May 25th, 2009 on 11:41 AM
Donald, I do not hope Carolinah gets fed up and leave Alex, as my marriage to him has changed for life. Once a marriage has gone through what mine has, it has an entirely new face. Would I even want him back here, around me every day?
Carolinah already texted me saying, "go ahead and breakdown." That was 1 and 1/2 years ago I didn’t write about that text yet; it is still forthcoming in my writings regarding my beginning journey with polygamy. I know Carolinah has health issues and was bordering a breakdown before; however, I sincerely don’t care about what happens to her. I don’t even know her.
Carolinah’s not going to leave Alex anytime in the near future-God knows best. I know what she does for a living and I know she can’t afford to keep her house without Alex’s monies to help. After all, he stepped in and saved her house from foreclosure. Thus, there is Alex’s investment in Carolinah and her house, as well, which he can’t walk away from for contractual reasons. So, the two of them are in this for the long haul. Had he not made all those promises to her and got her financially dependant on him, he simply would have been able to say "I divorce you" with a couple of witnesses or something like that…and walk away like many men in Islamic polygamous marriages do. Divorce in Islam is easy; a legal Marriage License makes it difficult.
She’s not going anywhere that quickly, as well, because she is —-. I don’t want to be mean, but honest. She’s very unattractive…extremely unattractive, beyond your imagination unattractive. She’s not turning away a man that has promised to be with her forever and give her money. It’s just not going to happen. I’m just hoping she doesn’t get so angry with Alex that she goes out there and give someone some payback stuff to spite Alex and jeopardize my health…if you know what I mean. She has no moral consciousness. She has a history of dating married men.
I think you’re right. Alex should have just stuck with the schedule as promised. After all, I didn’t even ask him for those extra three days. He said Carolinah thought it would be nice. How stupid could Alex be? I knew it was suspect from the onset. Everyone acts out of his/her own best interest. There’s a benefit for her in setting up that schedule as she did and in rearranging those days. Alex just doesn’t see it.
I think you are right…I can’t let him walk all over me. I should make him abide by a schedule, as that is how it is supposed to be done in Islam. Carolinah’s already acting like his mistress, so giving up the schedule and giving him free reign to come and go as they choose would just confirm their relationship is an affair.
I’ll be smart next time he comes to me with a schedule with an adjustment. I’ll scrutinize it thoroughly and, Insha Allah, disapprove it. I still can’t believe he came to me with that schedule telling me she wanted to do something nice for me by attaching days, and rearranging the schedule, and then she reneged days before it was to happen. It’s not like she even gave me extra days that didn’t have to be made up. She just switched days around.
Nothing can come from threatening divorce, but resentment, as you’ve said. So, since I am opting not to give up my legal rights I’m going to try very hard, with the help of God, not to bring the subject up again. This entire matter has already put a damper on our anniversary festivities. I have to try very hard with the help of God to direct my attention and energies away from Carolinah and Alex and focus my attention on bettering my life in other ways.
Do you have any suggestion how I could keep the upper hand with those two?
May 25th, 2009 on 1:57 PM
"Do you have any suggestion how I could keep the upper hand with those two?"
That is a hopeless and self-defeating objective, in any situation, except with children, and where you are the parent or responsible party.
May 25th, 2009 on 2:23 PM
Judith,
Let’s say you are right – it is a "hopeless and self-defeating objective"; hypothectically speaking, what would you do in a situation like this?
May 25th, 2009 on 2:46 PM
I think, if I felt this assaulted to the core, I would spend time every day with God, and ask with fresh and new intent, what is my relationship to Him, what is my understanding of His purpose for me, and how do I best fulfill it. That process is something that no one can take away from you.
May 25th, 2009 on 2:56 PM
That is very profound. After reading what you said, I sat back in a daze for a moment. I’m going to seriously contemplate what you said. I certainly need a "fresh" start with God. Thank you for your help!
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
May 25th, 2009 on 3:07 PM
We are all with you Ana. None of us is alone, even though it sometimes feels that way.
May 25th, 2009 on 3:25 PM
"I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can play the "mom" role…don’t want to, too much work. If I wanted a child, I would have had my own. There’s my "if."
LOL
You are so funny Ana. If you didn’t like the "mom" role you wouldn’t be demanding anything, whether he comes and goes, and whether or not you approve of the schedule.
You want some advice?
Leave him.
Now I don’t mean divorce. I mean take a month or two off. If you don’t think they will ever separate, (and that is actually what you want), then let her deal with the little boy for a while. You may be surprised at the "upper hand" that you gain.
Unless of course, you actually ENJOY the "battle" (which I sense may be true)
As Judith said, spend your time listening to someone who is Masculine, that being your God.
Have a great day!
May 25th, 2009 on 3:26 PM
Thank you Judith! That means much to me. You brought tear to my eyes.
May 25th, 2009 on 7:03 PM
Hi Pliggy,
I really missed you. I was hoping you’d come back. I was wondering how to give Alex some time off like you suggested. He’s adamant about coming back home when he is scheduled to be here. Anyhow, it came to me what to do. Moments ago, I advised him to schedule the makeup days that Carolinah is due. It comes to about several days. He said he’d do that-schedule the days. I’m hoping they schedule the days soon, and attach them to her regularly scheduled days. That would give me some time- time to distance myself from Alex and do what you and Judith recommended- spend time with God. This whole ordeal is soooo exhausting.
Don’t stay away so long!
May 26th, 2009 on 12:41 AM
Well thanks! It is nice to be appreciated
I just wonder if you are really interested in making this work, if everyone being at peace with your family is actually what you want, or if you are enjoying yourself as a general in maneuvering your armies in a "marriage" that seems more like a war.
As long as you are "satisfied"(expecting no change) in the status quo, that is exactly what you will get. More of the same.
"If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always gotten" -Tony Robbins
May 26th, 2009 on 1:38 AM
"She’s very unattractive…extremely unattractive, beyond your imagination unattractive." Actually I have learned that doesn’t matter…Read my post about crap on a stick…..
Here is the thing…when your hubby married Carolinah your married died. Now you have been living on life support since then…either you need to let go or wake up and decide to make a go at your new marriage(which involves her.) Either way it is your decision. Ask Allah for guidance because he is the best of planners. But you do not have to be miserable all the time. I am not saying that the two of you have to be friends or that you even have to cordial to each other. I do think you need to stop sending her nasty text messages. You may think for her that it should be easier and that you are having the hardest time but honestly no woman wants to share her husband and it is hard on both parties. I am not saying make it easier on her I am just syaing Ye’Old golden rule Do unto others…..I am sure you would not like for her to send you the same mean text messages. I suggest that if you can not handle thier relationship then get out of yours. If you want to make a go of your marriage, if you want to fix your life with the man you love then you need to come to terms with reality. Everyday will not be roses but no marriage is…but it is work…. So ultimately you need to decide whether you really want him or whether it is about having him choose you over her.
I am sorry I am being so harsh but when I read your blog I think about how I would feel if my cowife did the same thing to me…Alhumdullilah for her…..
May 26th, 2009 on 1:44 AM
Pliggy, I can’t find peace for myself in this situation at the moment. I’m not interested in Alex or Carolinah having peace. I certainly don’t consider her a part of my family. I still see her as an enemy. As a result of what has transpired over the last several days, I see Alex when I see Carolinah, as well, the two of them together in my head. The fact that he entertained her request for him to be with her on my special day hurts tremendously. I’m the one that was always nonchalant about holidays, birthday, anniversaries, and the like. In Islam we’re not even supposed to celebrate them. He’s the one that emphasizes them. To prep me for the excitement of the day and then turn on me. That felt almost as bad as when he told me that he was going to marry Carolinah.
He and I had a conversation this evening about him being the leader. He said he would. I said he needed to lead with mutual consultation. The problem is he consults with Carolinah who knows nothing about Islam and whatever else. She told him to add extra days to my schedule and she then told Alex to take them back, as she didn’t like what I did. In Islam you can’t give a gift and take it back. That’s elementary. Most religions probably teach that’s wrong. Now I have to contend with him taking bad advice from her and approaching me with it.
I agree with Tony Robbin’s statement. I think it is so true. There was a saying like that in the movie "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock. Did you ever see the movie? It was so funny. I use the saying a lot -if you keep doing the same thing over and over again you get the same results-I don’t know the exact quote. I’m beginning to realize this is going to be my life, if I stay. Now, I have to contemplate how I’m going to approach it. I want to view him and her as one and me separate. I have to be leery of the two of them. Am I making sense?
May 26th, 2009 on 2:11 AM
I think Pliggy’s advice to take a month or two off is definitely worth considering. Why wait for Alex to break his next promise? It’s more than just juggling the schedule — it’s telling Alex that you need some serious time to take a step back from the battle and seek God in this.
Pliggy’s other comments echo what I was trying to say in the ‘Polygamy in Tanzania’ post (see my last comment there) — about really questioning where you’re trying to get to, and taking positive steps to get there.
It’s all SO much easier to say than to actually do… But you’ve survived this long Ana which means you have some toughness and spunk — we just want to see you channeling all that energy into positive action that can make your marriage and your life better.
May 26th, 2009 on 2:16 AM
The quote as I remember it goes something like this:
‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.’
No idea who first said it.
May 26th, 2009 on 11:56 AM
Sure, you are making perfect sense. "Deal with it" is your mantra, and it is a constant struggle. The war is what you have accepted. Peace within polygamy does not seem to be your goal.
I just hope sincerely that you will find peace in the end, that you can forgive him and leave him, or forgive them both and stay. You cannot stay and be at peace unless you forgive, love, and pray for them.
I see that you are very strong inside. You know you are capable with the help of God. This experience is making you stronger, and I am glad.
It is Alex that gave you Carolinah, it is he who you must focus on. It is he who you want to revere as your husband and "hero". You cannot blame Carolinah for what Alex has done by adding her to your marriage. She is not your enemy. If she is, than he is too.
A wise father once said: "If you love me, you will love those whom I love" Of course he was a man very easy to love, why? Because he was closer to God than any of his wives. They loved him very much, and loved each other because they loved him.
A man who is not closer to his God than his wives are is never capable of leading them. For God gives all strength, and whomever is closest to God will be the strongest. A strong woman can not revere a man who is weaker than she is. As you said, he must teach you, and her, about your religion. That requires that he learn, and live, better than you do.
I still think you should untie your heart enough to let him go for a while, peacefully, and stop worrying about him. Let him worry about you. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"
I have not seen that movie, but it sounds like you enjoyed it!
Have a great day!
A few quotes from wise old Mahandas Gandhi:
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
"It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business."
"When there is injustice I have always believed in fighting. The question is, do you fight to change things, or do you fight to punish? To me I believe we are all such sinners that we should leave punishment to God."
"It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings."
"Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart."
"There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."
May 26th, 2009 on 6:53 PM
Hi Ummabdur-rahmaan,
Sometimes you need to know someone has a pulse. I don’t know whether that girl is dead or alive, unless I give her a jolt. OK, yes, the text messages were cruel. But, guess what? I found out last night that it wasn’t just the text messages that set her off. She never Knew Alex and I had left the country on vacation until I texted her. I told her where we were. That’s the crux of the problem. He omitted information…not that he was obligated to inform her of the details. It’s pretty much the same thing that happened to me when he and she went on vacation (please read my previous post about it in one of the chapters) and he didn’t tell me where they were going. Allah let me know.
I never thought my marriage "died." That’s an unusual way to put it, but easy to visualize and real.
I can’t handle their relationship, Ummabdur-rahmaan-but I’m not getting out of my marriage. It’ll have to kill me first. I don’t think it’s about him choosing her over me. He already chose her when he married her. I think it’s much more. Perhaps someone out there know what it actually is. Maybe I’ve already been told but it went over my head, and wasn’t able to sink in at the time.
You’re not to harsh Ummabdur-rahmaan. You’re being real! Thank you.
May 27th, 2009 on 1:39 AM
Donald and Pliggy,
At least we are all on the same page with the quotes. That has to mean something. I used to pick the same type of man before I married Alex and it just never worked. Alex is so entirely different than any of the other men I ever dated. I did get a different result with Alex. It’s called Marriage.
I need to stop texting Carolinah and just leave her alone; although, I haven’t text her often. The only result not texting her got me was thinking she didn’t exist other than in my mind, as Alex’s mistress. After all, she never surfaces unless I mess with her. That’s the only time she comes out of the wood works. It’s so very bazaar. How and I supposed to show care, concern and compassion for someone who won’t make any type of effort to communicate. You just can’t care about someone who you don’t know. Can you?
I’m going to take Pliggy and your advice about the time off. I’m just waiting for Alex to contact Carolinah so they could put together the schedule to include her makeup days. That was an excellent idea you two gave me. I need time alone to reflect, to pull myself together, and try to get closer to God. I thank you both. Donald, I still must contemplate your recent question regarding where I’m trying to go and what positive steps I’m going to take to get there. It’ll be all so helpful.
May 27th, 2009 on 2:03 AM
Time alone can probably help you do that. In the old days people went to a lonely hilltop or something and they were alone. But nowadays that lonely hilltop has cell phone reception! I know, it’s so hard to resist texting people sometimes!! The title of 3rd’s last post says it all… ‘The curse of text messages’!
I have to confess, this bit really made me laugh:
‘After all, she never surfaces unless I mess with her. That’s the only time she comes out of the wood works.’
I had this wonderful image of some mysterious creature that only emerges from its lair when the local kids get brave enough to pelt stones at it. Please tell me you were trying to make me laugh, otherwise I will feel very guilty!
‘You just can’t care about someone who you don’t know. Can you?’
I can read a pretty brief story about someone and care about them. I care about you too. Perhaps though, you only know the side of Carolinah that reacts when you poke her with the pointed end of a stick. You know? And likewise, she probably only knows the pointed end of your stick and not the loving side of you. Getting to know each other would be a huge task for both of you, with a lot of forgiveness, humility, and perseverance. You can be the one to initiate it if reconciliation is what you decide you really want. But that’s the thing… you have to work out what it is you really want first. Or, it may be a discovering of what God really wants, and submitting to that.
God bless Ana.
May 27th, 2009 on 8:19 AM
You are on the right track Ana. Stay there and go forward. Take care, we are all pulling for you.
May 27th, 2009 on 9:56 AM
Bigamy is against the law in the US. Report him to the police and have him arrested for being married to more than 1 wife
May 27th, 2009 on 11:43 AM
Well, Art that will solve everything now won’t it…and then what would we do with all the extra time we used reading her blog.
BTW I meant the marriage you two used to have died….now it is time to build a new foundation for your marriage. If she only comes out when provoked then why provoke her. Why not leave her alone and pretend that he goes on buisness trips when he is with her…..that way you can rest a little easier and live in a fantasy world. When I feel stressed about my situation that is what I do…I pretend he is on a buisness trip and I don’t call him. Just easier for me to pretend…..My cowife is awesome though and I wish everyone could have a cowife like mine…..usually when I get all flustered about something it is usually nothing anyway just me over reacting…..
May 27th, 2009 on 12:46 PM
Donald, I just read 3rd’s post, "The curse of text messages." It’s a very good post. Reading it allowed me to see that assaulting enemy wives, sister wives, co-wives is not a unique, isolated, deviant behavior. It let me see "nasty texting" is nothing to be proud of either.
Solitude can be quite soothing, medicinal. I meditate when I get a chance, usually while doing yoga. I keep my focus on God when meditating. It’s a wonderful, calming experience. It helps me get rid of the evil whisperings in my head. When I cut back on meditating, I start acting on Satan’s whispers. I go on the attack.
That last comment made me laugh, as well, as I wrote it. I just don’t understand that girl. I just got off the phone with my best friend who suggested I stay away from her, as I’ll only open a new can of worms by communicating with her. I know when sister wives live together, communication is a must. Plural marriage could make for a very beautiful family when everyone communicates. When wives don’t live together, it might be a bit different-communication might not be that important…Do you think?
Alex said he doesn’t blame Carolinah for not making an effort to communicate with me…just like you asked if I would try to establish an alliance with myself, if I were her, after what I did. Still, I think a person would at least try, if she cared an iota. A connection is all it takes to get the ball rolling.
Donald, I care very much for you too. I feel like you’re my very special friend. All the time, I look forward to us talking. I’ve met wonderful people here, wonderful friends, Pliggy, CM, 3rd, M, coolred, Judith, Ummabdur-Rahmaan and the list keeps growing. I don’t want to leave anyone out. You’ve all touched my heart so deeply. I thank you all for your support, for being so kind and giving.
God bless you all!
May 27th, 2009 on 12:13 PM
Pliggy, thank you very much for all your words of wisdom and helpful quotes from Gandhi. I especially like the one: "There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever." Wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful, if we didn’t worry about anything whatsoever, but just put every single thing in God’s hands? How peaceful and stoic we would be. That’s worth striving for in itself. I love that quote.
Thank you for reminding me not to place the blame on Carolinah. It’s so easy to so quickly forget so much that we’ve learned. I must not forget Alex brought this whole ordeal upon our marriage (with the permission of God). Now, he, she and I must continue going forward, where ever that leads.
May 27th, 2009 on 1:28 PM
Art, thank you very much for your comment. I got a huge laugh from Ummabdur-rahmaan’s jocular reply. We needed your comment to get the chuckle. We have to have fun sometimes.
About bigamy…it is only bigamy if the man has two official marriage license, licenses recognized by a State in the USA, or Countries. Some countries recognize other marriage documents from other countries as official, valid.
As for my husband, he is practicing polygamy. No authority would arrest him for it, as he has only one legal State Marriage License. He has some form of written contract with his other "wife."
If I wanted to "jack him up" so to speak- I would have to deal with him in a Civil/Family court action and have my rights under my official State Marriage license enforced. Since polygamy is not recognized in the USA, my husband’s contract with his other "wife" is null and void, actually it is useless, for all intent and purposes, accept for him and her, and possibly God. I would not be violating Islamic law, which allows my husband to have more than one wife (polygamy/polygny), as my husband entered polygamy without mutual consultation, without me agreeing. (Allah tells us in Quran to conduct our affairs with mutual consultation. There is no compulsion in Islam). My husband engaged in polygamy while he and I have a legal State Marriage License. Contracts are to be honored in Islam-my legal State Marriage License being enforcable in a court of law – his other contract with the other "wife" not enforcable.
I think if a man practices polygamy without an official State Marriage License, all his contracts with his wives would be valid. The only problem is none of the wives would receive his pension, social security benefits, health care benefits etc.
That’s just my understanding. I hope it’s helpful.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in. You’re welcomed here Art and your comments are valued.
May 27th, 2009 on 2:18 PM
Ummabdur-rahmaan, thank you very much for the reply. You’re too funny. I’m still smiling about that one. You are absolutely right about me provoking her. I do need to totally just leave her alone and move on. From now on, Insha Allah, I’m just going to view her as his "mistress" on the side and put my blinders on. If he and she want to consider it polygamy, I will too-in name only, as I have no proof it’s not.
Perhaps she copes with our situation by not viewing him and me (our marriage) as being real. It took me a long time to stop escaping in my mind (imagination) and start living life for real… so I have to continue going forward. I’m not saying there is anything faulty with your way of dealing with the situation.
I know when I go off the deep end, like you -I’m just reacting. I’m just reacting to Satan stirring me up once again. It’s a huge battle for us; isn’t it? Just to get Satan off us. We have to remember to ask Allah to shut him (Satan) down, make him leave us alone.
I think what you have in your favor is a co-wife that acknowlege you as being your husband’s wife. I think if the other "wife" doesn’t acknowlege that…it’s all pure fantasy.
May 27th, 2009 on 3:23 PM
I’m wondering…is it good for a person’s mental health and well being, if she/he does not try to realize life as it truly is?
Sometimes life already is an illusion. Things are not really as they seem. But what happens if we intentionally try not to see things in life as they truly are?
If a wife envisions her husband as being away on a business trip when he is actually with his other wife, does that denial add an additional problem for the wife who is not being REAL with herself?
Ummabdur-rahmaan, I generated the above questions base on your most recent comment.
May 27th, 2009 on 9:03 PM
I have to respectfully disagree with Ummabdur-rahmaan on this one. I don’t think self-deception is a good ‘foundation’ for anything, certainly not a marriage. You’ve no doubt seen the first Matrix movie?
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill — the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill — you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
I say take the red pill. The truth may be harder to swallow, but it’s a much better foundation to build a life.
Ana, without realizing it perhaps, you said you would take our advice of taking time out to really consider where you want to go, and how to get there, but a few comments later you had already decided what your course of action would be. Slow down girl! This is YOUR marriage. YOUR life. You (and I say all this to myself too) need to stop reacting to life and start managing it.
It’s hard. But you have lots of friends here who believe in you and want to see you succeed!
May 28th, 2009 on 1:03 AM
Art, You might want to read a couple good comments from Rashid Patch under the post, " Can wives in Polygamy be Equal if one has a Marriage License." It’s in Chapter 6 of “My Journey.” Rashid Patch speaks of Marriage License, Palimony, marriage contracts and the like. He’s comments are very informative: http://polygamy411.com/2009/04/07/can-wives-in-polygamy-be-equal-if-one-has-a-marriage-license/#comment-23
May 28th, 2009 on 1:47 AM
Dude I never said it was healthy….
May 28th, 2009 on 12:54 AM
I think I’m with you on the red pill, as well. I think the self deception-denial mechanism works until something happens that brings you back to reality and there’s always something that will bring you back to reality. Carolinah might have thought Alex was on a business trip until I told her that he and I were away in another country on vacation. I try to believe Alex doesn’t love Carolinah, but then I read a text message from him to her, saying "I love you." So, I think it’s better to try to accept the truth that the man does love another woman, he is intimate with another woman, and deal with it as effectively as we can, as quickly as we can, despite how painful it may be. I think deceiving ourselves only delays the healing process. We can keep burying emotions inside until there’s no room for anymore and then the next thing we know, we snap, crackle and pop.
Donald, it’s difficult when I have a husband on a schedule and he says he’s coming home when scheduled as he has a legal rights to be here. So I have to wait until he sees Carolinah on Friday and hope they agree to makeup her days soon to give me more time with him away from me.
Life gets crazy for us, those living polygamy. I think I can speak for many of us. I hope. I’d like to be corrected, if I’m wrong. Donald, It’s nice you’re here from an objective point of view and can help keep us grounded when we’re running about out of control. I didn’t even realize I was all over the place until you said, "Slow down."
May 30th, 2009 on 1:27 PM
It’s absolutely amazing. As I was reading online about polygamy around the world, I stumbled upon the following statement:
If there are polygamists in America,
they wouldn’t even tell us Muslims about it,” said Aziza al-Hibri, who teaches at the University of Richmond Law School in Virginia.They would act the way people who have affairs do.”If Carolinah wants to conduct herself as a mistress in an affair, who am I to try to force her to behave differently? As Coolred38 previously said, along with other commenters, Carolinah and alex’s relationship seems more like an "affair" than a marriage.