Communications About Polygamy – A Stalemate
by ana on Jun.11, 2009, under my story today
While Alex and I were away on vacation, I thought we’d be able to discuss our polygamous marriage. It was an ideal time to talk about it, as we were away from all the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, and were in a calm, relaxing, peaceful environment.
Since I had blogged with all of you, it felt easier for me to open up with Alex and take down the shield. After 2 1/2 years, I was now actually able to say Carolinah’s name to Alex, and not refer to her as “that woman” etc. Another time when Alex and I were away on vacation (Please see my earlier post : “Polygamous Vacation Blues” ), Alex and I talked about our polygamous situation and we made progress. We grew closer; it seemed.
This time, each time I tried to discuss him and her, he shut me down. He said he wasn’t going to discuss me with her, nor her with me. He kept telling me to call her, if I wanted to know anything.
After he told me several times to call her, I said to myself, why not. I still, of course, was aware I had recently text her some not so nice messages. Nonetheless, I thought it might be smooth sailing. She had not responded to any of my texts, at least not to me, so I thought – perhaps she just blew them off. Regardless, I decided to reach out to her.
So, I called Carolinah and actually reached her, not her voicemail. I said, “As Salaamu Alaikum.” She gave me the Salaams back. I then said I was thinking we could talk. In an angry tone, she stated, “WE’LL TALK LATER!” She then hung up.
OK…My intention is to NEVER call her again. To date, I haven’t heard from her.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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travel 4 less!
May 22nd, 2009 on 9:56 PM
Wow, what the heck is that? I mean she could have said, I have no desire to talk to you or something. But we will talk later? What does that mean? I’m sure your wondering the same thing…
It’s interesting that your husband has decided not to talk to either of you about what is going on with either of you… Perhaps he didn’t tell Caronlinah that the two of you were going to communicate with each other? She doesn’t seem to have gotten that message..
He’s in the middle, only now he is trying to extricate himself from the middle… So what now, it’s completely two separate lives and no discussion in-between? I don’t get it.
Here you take this huge step forward and reach out only to have the door slammed in your face. Okay, so I get that she had these recent messages from you… Perhaps they still sting… But when you greeted her and she greeted you back, she could have picked up on the change in your attitude…at least you would have thought she would have? I don’t know…
Kudos to you for reaching out, even if she wasn’t receptive.
Blessings, M
May 22nd, 2009 on 10:44 PM
M, I have a feeling this entire matter is going to come to a head sooner than later. It gets crazier by the minute. Do you think she’s in total denial? Do you think she really wants to believe and convince herself that I don’t exist?
You couldn’t be more accurate; Alex is definitely in the middle and I don’t know where it’s going to lead. I spoke with his ex-wife a couple days ago. She said she’s been communicating with Alex and she thinks he’s on the verge of a breakdown.
I was wondering if I had been ridiculous reaching out to Carolinah after having texted her, but you confirmed I was not totally off the wall. Thank you!
Blessings, Ana
May 25th, 2009 on 3:29 PM
That was a GREAT thing to do.
Do it more!
December 13th, 2009 on 7:04 PM
Salaam Ana,
This is definitely not a healthy plural marriage. You three are in trouble. “That Lady” has no intention of knowing you and i doubt her Islamic status as well. Alex is a typical immature male caught “in the middle” as you say. You appear to genuinely love him. My advice is to “back off” and let the two of them drift apart as your submission turns to piety and your piety acts like a magnet or super glue with the help of Allah. He will not fail to notice your humility. A man needs an ally in his wife; someone who will be a help and not an opponent, even when he is wrong. wait for him to ask you for your advice… don’t offer it. Piety and humility are shields that protects a wife from a foolish husband and helps to mature him. Just go about your business as usual and leave off any comments to him about her, and do not contact her at this time. Let Allah and the angels sort this out. They see what you do not. Put your trust in God and not Alex or your self. If you are not praying regularly … start! And ask Allah for guidance and His will in the matter, and all will be well…
Wasalaam,
dr omar
December 13th, 2009 on 7:17 PM
Dr. Omar, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!
Welcome to polygamy 411. I’m so happy you have joined us and commented. I thank you for your valuable professional advice. It is all well taken and much appreciated. Insha Allah, I’ll keep you abreast of how we progress. I’m extremely optimistic and grateful. I’m sure you have been a tremendous help to others here, as well.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 14th, 2009 on 2:13 AM
Yes, I also was a bit “at a loss of words” as “extra- and pre-marital sexual relations” have no place in an Islamic marriage.