Agitated with Polygamy
by ana on Jun.12, 2009, under my story today
The more I thought about Alex’s preoccupation with Carolinah or whatever was distracting him at the time – what else could it be?- the more infuriated I got with the two of them. So what to do now? OK…Carolinah was giving Alex and me something to think about…let me give her something to think about as well.
So, I text her… and I text her… and I text her. I will tell you only some of the things I said to her. Some things were just repetitious of what I had said to her in earlier voicemail messages to her. For instance, I told her to keep imagining what it would be like to have a “real” husband. I told her to keep trying to convince herself that she has one – a “real” husband.
But, I think the most disturbing part for her was…I told her that I owned part of her house. I let her know that if anything were to happen to Alex, I was coming after my equity in her house. After all, my husband’s monies are helping her pay for her (their) house. Alex’s monetary interest in her house is my interest. It’s called “marital interest”- State – Family Law. Not once did I forego my marital rights under the laws of the state in which I live. I guess Alex and Carolinah didn’t consider that when they were planning their marital bliss.
I advised Carolinah that the insurance policy that Alex had obtained for her was not going to get paid, if anything happened to him. (Alex took out an insurance policy for Carolinah after the two of them first married.) Do you think the insurance company is going to pay that policy when they find out Alex took that policy out for his illegal “wife”- polygamy?
I just wanted to give her something else to think about or to at least make me feel better, which I did. From those moments on, I began to feel much, much, better. At that moment, I began to begin my vacation. I gave her something much more serious to think about, not only while I was on vacation, but every day to follow from that moment on.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
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May 18th, 2009 on 9:34 PM
Hi Ana. I was saddened to read your latest post. Now that you’ve had a chance to come back and cool down, how are you feeling about sending those texts?
May 19th, 2009 on 1:21 AM
Hi Donald,
First, I must say I missed talking with you.
About sending the texts, I’m feeling very good, exuberant! I’m terribly embarrassed to admit what I did, and was extremely apprehensive to check back to see what was said in the comments about it.
I know it was hurtful to her and was morally wrong, but I have no remorse about what I did. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and I pray God changes the condition of my soul before he seizes it. I know the condition of my heart the way it is could only lead me to the Hellfire. I believe God lets us see our faults if He wants good for us, so we could change our ways. I just pray the change takes place before it’s too late.
I am still fuming and full of hate towards her, as I write.
May 19th, 2009 on 1:37 AM
Donald,
Please be mindful that my husband is lying over there in bed with that woman, right now, as I write. For the last 2 1/2 years, she has been sexing up my husband and accepting his money. Not once has she attempted to reach out to me in any kind of way to acknowledge that I even exist.
May 19th, 2009 on 9:17 AM
Ana, As I read your vacation posts I could really feel the anger and pain you felt, and I really do understand why you feel the way you do. Lashing back at Carolinah may have felt good short term, but the problem is that when we hold on to anger and bitterness the only one we really hurt is ourselves long term. I hope you find a way to let it go. It is so important for your own sake that you do.
May 19th, 2009 on 12:03 PM
Hi CM,
I know you are right. I am long term only hurting myself by holding onto the anger and bitterness. For a while I was handling things much better and then suddenly I seemed to relapse. I thank you for being so understanding. It truly is a tough battle. I want to come out victorious in all of this. I will try to find a way to let go of all the hate and direct my energies elsewhere. I thank you for reminding me and for your sincere concern.
May 19th, 2009 on 7:54 PM
Selfless love doesn’t come naturally to any of us — especially when you have been hurt so much. I understand that it’s hard. I don’t know exactly how hard, because I’ve never had to walk in your shoes, but I empathize as best I can.
There’s really no way to candy coat this. Genuine love is sacrificial. It lays down one’s own desires for another. It doesn’t keep a tally of wrongs, it doesn’t seek revenge, and it doesn’t rejoice in another’s suffering.
The way I see it, this kind of love doesn’t come from within. I’ve seen what a selfish person I can be! If everyone was as honest as you Ana, I think we’d all admit to feelings like you express. This kind of love only comes from the living God and a relationship with him.
May 19th, 2009 on 10:51 PM
Donald, those were special words, spoken with overwhelming Truth. Sometimes my hearts seems so dark; I begin to hate myself…you know (the things I say, the things I do). I guess that’s part of the purification process, ridding oneself of the rust on the mirror so we could see clearly- something like that-I don’t know.
I concur with you. We can’t create selfless love. Our relationship with God is the key.
Thanks for being a friend!
May 19th, 2009 on 11:50 PM
I know what it’s like to hate yourself. I’ve been there.
Only last night I was feeling very low. Often that makes me want to draw from people — reach out to them and have them confirm that I’m okay, that I’m loved. You know? But last night I didn’t even feel worthy of that love. Really I’m not. I texted a friend and asked him to pray for me. After a while of feeling sorry for myself I started thinking about all the people I care about and I realized that I really do want the best for them, regardless of how things go for me. So I just started praying for each person and for God to really bless them. It didn’t really pull me out of my sadness, but that wasn’t the point. On some level it felt good to be emptied of thoughts about myself and be filled with love for other people. If you think that makes me sound really holy or whatever, don’t be fooled. I really am a selfish so-and-so without God. All praise to Him for his amazing love that enables me to love others.
May 20th, 2009 on 1:10 AM
You’re funny Donald…"a selfish so-and-so;" that’s a good one. It’s amazing; sometimes, some days, I take a moment from being so self -absorbed and begin imagining my life without Alex, my family, and best friend and I pray very hard for them, tears flowing like I’m going to cry myself a river… weird, but it does feel good. It doesn’t last long, but at least it happens-right? God hears our prayers when we call on Him, the moment we call. We just have to obey Him…the ultimate battle within ourselves, good vs. evil.
You have a lot of wisdom and insight. You’re not only helping me, but you’re helping a whole lot of people; I’m sure. You’d be amazed. Thanks for sharing!
May 20th, 2009 on 9:49 AM
Yeah, in some strange way it does feel good to cry for others — when you feel the love flow out. Love is what life is all about. When we feel love it’s like something lights up inside us — we’re fulfilling the very purpose God made us for.
When you have real pain in your heart, it’s also good to cry for yourself. The pain is real and it doesn’t do us good when it’s pushed down deep inside and ignored. You felt better after letting some of that pain out in the form of angry texts to Carolinah. You know in your head that it wasn’t good because you’re hurting someone God loves, but it felt better because your pain needs to be heard. Your broken heart wants to scream out, ‘hey, I’m really hurting here… Doesn’t anybody see?’
You do need a way of letting out your pain. You need to mourn. You need to cry. Like CM said, anger and bitterness will only hurt you more. But crying is a necessary part of your healing.
May 21st, 2009 on 1:42 AM
Hmmmm…when you told her about the insurance policy, I’m not sure you are aware… You can obtain an insurance policy and list ANYONE as a beneificiary it’s your right… a lover, a mistress, a second wife or whom ever it doesn’t matter. The insurance company doesn’t care. So, while it may make you feel better to tell her that she won’t be getting any money from that policy, it isn’t a fact.
May 21st, 2009 on 1:57 AM
I know various persons, including a family member of mine, who weren’t able to collect for various reasons, ALTHOUGH THEY WERE NAMED beneficiaries. SOME insurance companies will allow a person to list anyone and everyone as beneficiaries, like you said. They are only interested in collecting premiums at the time. What matters is what happens when it comes time to pay. Insurance companies are always looking for any reasons not to pay. Anyhow, I’ll cross that bridge when and if the time comes.
May 21st, 2009 on 2:39 PM
Oh Ana, you crack me up!
I’m gonna disagree with others here, you don’t sound angry and in pain, you sound like someone trying to take charge of her life. Just because your husband decided to take on another woman doesn’t mean you have to accept it, or be kind to her. Hey, you mess with the bull, you get the horns. 
My one caution to you would be to be careful about the money issue, if Carolinah gets too upset about that, she may start putting pressure on Alex to do something about it. I know of a polygamous marriage where the husband convinced his legal wife to divorce him legally to be "fair" to the other wife. Of course she didn’t go after everything she would get in a regular divorce, since they were still together.
Actually, in any of this, I would say, keep a tight hold of the finances.
May 21st, 2009 on 11:29 PM
Hi Nasrin,
Thank you for waking me up! I fell asleep again for a moment. Alex does want a divorce to level the playing field like you mentioned.
Alex had told me that he’d agree to a divorce,and would indefinitely continue to pay me the monies that he has been paying. He said all I would need to do is have my attorney draw up the papers and he would sign them. I thought, well, why would anyone do something like that?
When I told my mom about it, months ago, she advised me not to divorce Alex, as the only reason he would want a divorce is to end the legalities. She said I’d probably remarry him, as he would already be paying my expenses. Carolinah and I would then be equal in our marriages to him.
I’ve been so extremely angry with Alex the last couple days (something sparked it that I wasn’t able to write to you about yet. I’m still trying to handle the situation, as I write). I had been contemplating divorcing Alex, possible beginning proceedings next week. Trust me…I wouldn’t be agreeable, signing any papers or anything like that. I’d try to take them for everything they’ve got. (Yes, I’m fuming!)
Thank you again, Nasrin, for the reminder. Nope, I’m not going to divorce him. I think my misery would be the same married to him or divorced. There’s been irreparable damage done here…damage to me (smile).
October 18th, 2009 on 7:25 PM
I suppose this is not the place for Bible thumping, but here goes. I am more familiar with Bible than Koran. The message is valid, however.
This from Old Testament:
To me (God) belongeth vengeance and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.
Ana, I feel your pain and frustration in this writing. There is a flaming hot temper streak in me with a lively imagination. Sometimes, imagining the payback is delightful, but really makes me feel sick inside in due course. It is pretty easy for me to extrapolate some nasty unintended consequences coming back to bite me in the butt.
The best revenge really is to live well with internal peace and harmony. Somehow. Money cannot buy this sort of peace.