Polygamy in USA (New York)

by ana on Jul.02, 2009, under World Polygamy

New York She worked at the Red Lobster in Times Square and lived with her husband near Yankee Stadium. Yet one night, returning home from her job, Odine D. discovered that African custom, not American law, held sway over her marriage.

A strange woman was sitting in the living room, and Ms. D.’s husband, a security guard born in Ghana, introduced her as his other wife.

Devastated, Ms. D., a Guinean immigrant who insisted that her last name be withheld, said she protested: “I can’t live with the woman in my house — we have only two bedrooms.” Her husband cited Islamic precepts allowing a man to have up to four wives, and told her to get used to it. And she tried to obey.

It’s difficult, but one accepts it because it’s our religion,” said Doussou Traoré, 52, president of an association of Malian women in New York, who married an older man with two other wives who remain in Mali. “Our mothers accepted it. Our grandmothers accepted it. Why not us?”

Polygamy in America, outlawed in every state but rarely prosecuted, has long been associated with Mormon splinter groups out West, not immigrants in New York. But a fatal fire in a row house in the Bronx on March 7 revealed its presence here, in a world very different from the suburban Utah setting of “Big Love,” the HBO series about polygamists next door.

No one knows how prevalent polygamy is in New York. Those who practice it have cause to keep it secret: under immigration law, polygamy is grounds for exclusion from the United States.

The woman is in effect the slave of the man,” said a stylish Guinean businesswoman in her 40s who, like many women interviewed in Harlem and the Bronx, spoke on the condition of anonymity. “If you protest, your husband will hit you, and if you call the police, he’s going to divorce you, and the whole community will scorn you.”

“Even me,” she added. “My husband went to find another wife in Africa, and he has the right to do that. They tell you nothing, until one afternoon he says, ‘O.K., your co-wife arrives this evening.’ ”

Islam is often cited as the authority that allows polygamy. But in Africa, the practice is a cultural tradition that crosses religious lines, while some Muslim lands elsewhere sharply restrict it. The Koran says a man should not take more than one wife if he cannot treat them all equally — a very high bar, many Muslims say.

It’s not life, your man sharing a bed with another woman,” Ms. D. said. “You’re always thinking in your head, ‘does he love me?’ ”

Such stories of polygamy, New York style, are typically shared by women only in whispered conversations in laundries and at hair-braiding salons. With no legal immigration status and no right to asylum from polygamy, many are afraid to expose their husbands to arrest or deportation, which could dishonor and impoverish their families here and in Africa.

Credit for above information: New York Times by Nina Bernstein/2/23/07

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4 comments for this entry:

CM
July 5th, 2009 on 7:18 PM
I can not even imagine the pain and torment these women must feel. Why are some men so, so… uggggg! I can not even come up with a word! My heart goes out to these women and I pray that God will help them with their heartache.
ana
July 5th, 2009 on 7:42 PM
I just don’t know, CM. I thought I had it bad. I can’t imagine my husband showing up one day with a woman, telling me that she’s his other wife, and will live with me. I mean…kill me now… really. I’d be like…my life is definitely over. It is just by the grace and help of God that they live and survive it.
Khadijah Z
April 25th, 2010 on 6:58 AM
Asalaam Alaykum okhti i pray your well. I new a sister in the US who on the day of her eldest daughters graduation as the family pulled up into the driveway he told the kids to go in as he needed to talk to mom. They had a large party planned with family and friends for that evening for the graduation, after the kids all left the car he did not even look her in her face and only stated he would not be there and she asked why? He then informed her he was getting married and would not be home for 7 days to have a good night and greetings from him to their guest. She said she was in shock as she had no idea even leaving the car or entering the home, as guest arrived asking of him she had no words to say, only mumbling to her self as the guest left wondering what was wrong and where was her husband for this great celebration she had slipped into a mental state of denile. She became depressed, refusing to leave her bed or room, not eating or drinking and her childern trying to call their father got no answer. From what i understood this lasted for pretty much a few months, throwing back in her mind why, i denied him nothing she gave him more then 20yrs of her life and now at age to 42yrs he left her for a younger woman because in her mind this is what he did, after a week he came home telling her she needed to accept this and get up and care for her home and family as a proper Muslim. I did not get much from her in this only that she tried for over a year to accept this and took med for depression also but in that time she div and left the marriage as the 2nd wife would see her in the public places even the masjid, would not return salaams, boasted how she stole the husband of the old woman and would keep her shape even if she had childern for him. This was to great for her mentally no matter how much she kept quiet and did not reply to such statements, and even tho other people told her husband of these happenings he ignored and said nothing. so she took her childern and left, soon after filed for a div, and in this i heard nothing else form her. I pray only she is well and found peace in her hardship and that Allah helps her as i do miss her so ever much.
Ana
April 25th, 2010 on 2:04 PM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam Okhti!
I am well and I pray you are, as well or better

What a very sad story you related of the sister. Sadly, situations like hers probably occur far more often than we’d care to imagine. What we could surmise in her situation is that her husband’s taking of the second wife/engaging in polygamy was not for the propagation of Islam. It apparently was all about self interest and self gratification for the husband and his new wife. He had no regard for his first wife. There was no mutual consultation or anything.

As with the case of the new wife (similar to that of Carolinah), it seems I will always be flabbergasted by any Muslim who refuses to return the greeting “salaam”, after it was received, knowing that Allah SWT has ordered us to return the greeting or give one better….a simple greeting meant to bring peace between the parties, if only for the mere moment of it being said. It’s the most basic and fundamental rule of etiquette in Islam. Allah SWT tells us to investigate. Refusal to say a simple word meant to bring about so much good reveals much about that person. For those who don’t know, “salaam” means peace.

I too, dear sister khadijah Z, pray the sister has found peace and contentment in her life and that Allah SWT helps her. Insha Allah, her husband and his other wife will repent and seek Allah’s SWT forgiveness for what they have done. Allah SWT will deal with them accordingly. Thank you for sharing with all of us, Khadijah Z.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.