Polygamy-Are the Wives Rivals?

by ana on Jul.22, 2009, under polygamy - the aftermath, Section 1

polygamy 411

I’ve often wondered about rivalry between wives in polygamy, wives that have the same husband, but the wives live in separate dwellings. I consider my husband Alex’s wife, Carolinah, to be my rival. We compete with one another for Alex’s attention and more. For example, she had concerns about me being his “favorite” wife. I had concerns about her manipulating our marriage schedule.

I think what can keep rivalry under control in polygamy is the wives not being that familiar with each other. I don’t know Carolinah, and haven’t been inside her home; I can’t size her up, nor take inventory of her possessions. I can’t accuse Alex of giving Carolinah more or less than he gives me. I don’t have to compare myself to her regarding weight and figure, as I don’t see her. Is it true that what you don’t know can’t hurt you?

Whether the wives see each other or not, I don’t think it completely does away with the rivalry. It’s natural for me to want to be the better fit, more attractive wife, simply because I have a love for fitness and nutrition. I still think wives in polygamy compete for the attention, love and affection of their husbands in numerous ways, even in the bedroom, each probably wanting to be the more seductive wife, the more desired wife.

In the previous post I questioned whether wives in polygamy are friends. Can wives in polygamy be sincere friends with each other when they are rivals? I know in my past dealings with rivals in my life, friendship was not something I was trying to achieve with my competitors. I was trying to find out what they looked like, what they thought, what they liked and disliked, what they were like, and how they interacted with the person that we wanted to be with etc. I wanted all that information to allow me to gain the upper hand.

Are wives rivals…wives married to one man? Is true, sincere, friendship between rival wives possible? What are the thoughts going on in the heads of those rival wives when they communicate with each other?

My interest in knowing more about Carolinah and meeting her stemmed from a desire to know how we compared. What does she look like? Is she overweight or thin? Is she intelligent? Where does she live? Since Alex never allowed me to meet Carolinah and she refused to meet me, I had to conduct my own investigation. The one thing I can say is I should be grateful that Alex has Carolinah as his other wife. I can’t imagine how much more devastated I would have been had Alex’s second wife been a very young, beautiful, educated, personable woman.

I still view Carolinah and me as rivals.

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6 comments for this entry:

Krystelle
July 22nd, 2009 on 9:47 PM
I don’t believe that women can ever truly be friends when they share a husband. There can be an understanding, a respect, but there is always that same understanding that they are in competition for his attention, his time, his love, his intimacy. Being able to compare yourself to a co-wife or as you put it your husband’s other wife does nothing but stem a rivalry. Keep one’s friends close but even closer keep your enemy. I beleive that is the truth between wives that share a husband. I thought that if my husband took on a second wife that something had to be missing in me, in our marriage that he had to go find that something somewhere else. I hoped that if he was looking for another wife that he was looking for someone more attractive, more intelligent, more… more than me. I thought that if I wasn’t enough, then who is and I hoped that when he found that out that I would be able to flaunt whatever it is that I had that she didn’t? I think subconcisously sisterwives are always going to compete or try and out do eachother. I was reading another blog today where the husband had mentioned to one of his wives something that he liked in the bedroom. She brushed him off and thought it was a stupid idea, when visiting her cowives house she saw the same thing that he had mentioned in her bedroom next to her bed as if the co-wife had left it out, left the door open just so she would see. So it just stemmed feelings of discontentness within that wife because she felt like her husband may be more satisfied with the other wife because she bent to his intimate desire.
Just being smarter, more fit, or more personable doesn’t diminish the feeling of rivalry, maybe it pushes it further.
Do you think that Carolinah views you as a rival or does she ignore you and your marriage to Alex because she is “subordinate”? As a first wife, if your husband would have taken someone on, younger, smarter, attractive, would you still view her as a rival or would you try and make friends with her? How would the situation be differnt if it was someone other than Carolinah?
Ana
July 23rd, 2009 on 1:54 PM
Krystelle, I took time and deeply thought about your questions. They are very difficult to answer. Knowing me, I think I wouldn’t take a liking to any woman Alex married, regardless of her qualities.

Carolinah baffles me. I can’t figure her out for the life of me and I couldn’t get a straight answer from Alex about what’s up with her. I don’t ask him anymore. She and he could have had an agreement that they would marry and she wouldn’t have to communicate with me. Perhaps that was part of their deal and she’s following through on it.

Back to the rivalry bit, that rivalry stuff is real. What you mentioned about the sister seeing a particular thing in the bedroom, setting someone up like that happens; it’s meticulously planned out.

I just don’t see wives married to the same husband relaxing with one another and keeping it real. I just don’t see it happening; I probably don’t feel it either, because of what I’m feeling in my heart right now.
Megan
July 24th, 2009 on 2:32 PM
I guess we’re lucky in our family that we don’t have a lot of competition. All three of us wives do different things so I guess that helps and then it helps that we all live in the same house so it is easier for us to feel like we are one family and not three families. I mostly get along real well with Christie and Shari is more like a mom to me because she is a lot older. She is a lot more serious than Christie is and I guess that happens when you get older and have more stuff to worry about.
I will admit that I do get a little selfish about time with Steve. It is funny because when I came here I really avoided him sometimes and now I can’t get enough of him. It makes me feel stupid for not opening up and trusting him sooner.
Ana
July 24th, 2009 on 8:03 PM
Megan, It sounds like you have a very lovely family. You seem very happy and vivacious as well. It appears Shari is a lot like “Barb” on the show “Big Love.” Alex and I used to watch the show all the time until I had to start living polygamy. Enjoy and cherish your young, carefree days while they last, one day you might become “Barb.”

You made me laugh (in a good way-not at you) when you described how you interacted with Steve. It brought to mind Madonna’s song-”Like a Virgin.”
Nasrin
July 28th, 2009 on 9:17 PM
Just a complete psychological invention, not knowing anything about Carolinah from her point of view, but is it possible that she feels that, but for a technicality, she is first wife? She knew Alex before you, they couldn’t pull it together to get married at first, but finally do manage to get married, but oopsy, he married someone else in the interim. So she would want to have as little to do with you as possible to maintain the illusion that their relationship went a lot more smoothly than it obviously did. if true, then you reminding her that she has no legal rights would be particularly painful.
Ana
July 29th, 2009 on 12:29 PM
Nasrin, Carolinah was with Alex for three years during and after he was going through a divorce with his first wife. Once the divorce was finalized, Carolinah kept asking Alex to marry her. Alex met and married me.

During Alex and my marriage, he and I spoke often of his ex-wife and we communicated often with the ex-wife’s side of the family, Alex’s family and mine, with gatherings, having fun. Alex never mentioned Carolinah unless I asked him something about his previous girlfriends.

Alex and I were having problems in our marriage, as I explained from the beginning. He turned back to Carolinah five years after we’d been married he said, for “comfort”. When she came on the scene and he “married” her, I began to give him the comfort and love that I hadn’t given him before. He wasn’t expecting that. Oooops, so what does he do now with rebound?

Does Carolinah really feel she is first wife or does she feel she is rebound, someone Alex turned to when things were not going well with the women he truly loved?