Polygamy and Secret Wives
by ana on Aug.13, 2009, under polygamy - the aftermath, Section 1
The fact that married women, in Islam, live secretly as first or second wives is a reality that is totally new and foreign to me. Until recently, I was unaware it exist, and is prevalent among Muslims in Islam. Lately, I have read much here and there from and about women who say they are wives, living secretly as ”secret wives.” The realism of secret wives to me is astounding as is the idea of polygamy for some people.
Anyhow, I’ve thought much about secret wives, and have given the concept a good deal of attention. I understand there are cultural issues that come into play about secret wives, as well. I am learning and I have an interest in knowing more.
From what I have gathered thus far, some women are secret first or second wives due to demands placed on sons by their parents, in particularly their mothers. A parent selects a certain woman or type of woman for her son to marry. The parent doesn’t approve of the woman who the son loves and wants to marry, thus the disapproved of wife becomes the son’s secret first or second wife. The son doesn’t want to disrespect his mother so he secretly marries the disapproved of woman. I think I’ve even heard it said by some that “Paradise is at the foot of the mother”, which is why “respect” is so important, if I’m not mistaken. This is what confuses me.
The son still married the woman who his parents, more specifically his mother, disapproved of, and essentially disrespected his parents or his mother by doing so. The son had placed so much emphasis on respect for his mother, but at the same time, he disrespected her behind her back by marrying the same woman his mother disapproved of. If the parent’s approval of his mate was so crucial and his parent didn’t approve of a certain woman for him to wed, why did he marry the (secret) woman? Just because the parent doesn’t know about the secret wife makes it OK? If the son was so concerned about the welfare of his mother, and gaining or maintaining her respect, why doesn’t the son just marry the woman who his mother approved of? It is so contradictory.
I guess I’m just confused. I thought Islam raised the status of women, and allowed a man to marry more than one woman so the woman would be respected with the title of wife and be known as such. What has it come to when men tuck women away as secrets, and cause women to take on the characteristics of “mistress?”
Are secret wives victims of selfish, manipulative, controlling, lustful, deceitful men who prey on the emotions and vulnerability of women, and take advantage of a women’s gentle, loving nature? When did wives in Islam become secrets? Again, I thought Islam raised the status of women, and gave them full protection, respect and honor by their husbands, children and society.
I was just wondering and pondering the secrets of secrets.
Here’s a video that may help shed some light on the subject:
forced marriages
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
August 13th, 2009 on 11:39 PM
As salaamu alaikum..me again LOL.
I was a secret 2nd wife for 10 years, masha’Allah. It had nothing to do with the scenario you depicted though. It was simply that the man who introduced Islam to me was married with children. His wife was not particularly religious and there was no question of her tolerating a second wife without totally breaking up the family. Children are far too precious to hurt unnecessarily. So, after a couple of years of just living my life, he finally asked if I would want to be a secret wife. I loved the man and was willing to sacrifice. I accepted and spent years seeing him whenever he could manage – usually once or twice a week for a few hours. I had to agree not to have children, because in the event of his death it would devastate his family to learn that he had a secret family. Also, not to get the child’s rightful inheritance would condemn him to punishment. What a situation. So, no children, not much time together, phone calls all day long every day, and three or four short vacations was what it amounted to. Why did it end? He was disobedient to Allah. If he was a good, pracicing Muslim I don’t think I would have ever left but his lack of practice killed me and in the end I wanted to be away from it. I came to a stage where I believed I deserved better, wa astaghfirAllah for any arrogance I had! Anyway, he divorced me and I left to make a whole new life for myself. Within two years I had met and married my current husband. That is one reason why I have such a serious outlook from the first wife’s perspective. I’ve been a second wife and sacrificed years of life and family to safeguard the first wife’s family, happiness, and security. Now, as a first wife, I would never want to put someone through agonies because I know what it is like to love a man who is married and not have any ill will towards his family, just want to have a part of him as well.
August 14th, 2009 on 12:32 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum! Wow Mai, that is so very sad. You’re absolutely wonderful and amazing. I’m so totally happy you have a good husband and are happy now. I’m so grateful to Allah he made us part of each other’s lives. I just don’t know what else to say. I can’t say much more right now. You touched my heart. I send mega hugs to you Mai and much love.
August 14th, 2009 on 12:59 AM
I would hope that a husband would be pleased with his wives and not treat them as secret wives.
I guess I”m ignorant. I am truly blessed to have a women in my life who is patient with my weaknesses and is helping me ‘man up’ for lack of a better word.
And to have two or more wives like this? How much more blessed would I be?
Perhaps I am ignorant. But a blessing from God shouldn’t be hidden. It’s a blessing to have and I’d be grateful.
BTW, I don’t know if I’m suicidal but I sent a letter to the LDS Prophet (President Thomas S. Monson) about polygamy in the LDS Church. My wife and I both wrote it. I’m curious what his response will be (if he responds that is).
Should be interesting.
August 14th, 2009 on 1:24 AM
u235sentinel, you’re too funny lol. I have a feeling that if you get another wife or more you will truly know how blessed you are with the wonderful wife you already have, but then it might be too late to turn back. I’m just a bad pessimist..praying to get better.
I’m interested to know what President Monson’s response will be, as well. I’m impressed you wrote him. We’ll see what happens…
What do you think it would be like having two or three wives making you “man up”?
August 14th, 2009 on 4:35 AM
See I was a secret wife for about 3 years(secret from his other wife) I was a secret wife from his family for 5 years. The reason was because he didn’t want to hurt her and wanted to tell her in person(he was in the states) As far as his fmaily was concerned he didn’t want to cause problems for CW as she was living close to the family and I was not….I guess everyone has thier reasons…..
August 14th, 2009 on 6:20 AM
Assalamu alaikum sister,
To Mai, you’re comment about being secret to protect the first wife’s family was mindboggling. Are you sure that’s the reason? I mean it seems as though you really loved HIM not her. Were you just trying not to be in a situation where YOU would be left by this man that you just had to have a part of?
I don’t really respect the concept of “secret wives”.
It’s not from Islam and it causes ill feelings between women. And for women to be tucked away for years and the first wife not know is unacceptable. Once the first wife finds out, this will not bring about a loving sister relationship because of the deception involved. We always want to tout the “love for your brother/sister what you love for yourself” claim but there are just things we as Muslims would do to others that we wouldn’t want done to ourselves.
I would be terribly hurt if I discovered that my husband had a secret family. Not just towards him but towards my “sister” in Islam. We can’t just always use the excuse that his wife wouldn’t tolerate it. How do we know? Don’t things change? If you do things in a good manner and treat others the way you want to be treated from the starting point, then I definitely believe things will run smoothly and less hurt will be involved.
Peace to those who accept the Guidance of their Lord
August 14th, 2009 on 6:38 AM
Assalamu alaikum again,
I just read my last post and it may have sounded a bit harsh. I don’t mean to and I hope to not offend anyone by my viewpoint, insha Allah.
Having secret wives is a very common practice amongst Muslims and it just causes bad feelings between us.
It really can leave a bitter taste and ill feelings toward polygyny as well. I think it’s important for a woman to state in her marriage contract that her husband will be completely honest and straightforward with her and if he does have intentions of having more wives that he will let her know. Yes, you have to put that in your contract if you don’t want this to happen to you because it’s permissible to not tell your current wife/wives that you want to remarry, as far as I know. But if he agrees that he’ll discuss things with you and not do things unknowingly to you, then he has to honor that. That way you just won’t be left in the dark and we know what kinds of feelings can emanate from ourselves when we feel that our spouse is not sharing things with us. Even though it’s the “husband’s business” to remarry, it affects our lives ladies. I feel we should be cognizant of things that will have an affect on our lives, especially something as stressful as poly. That way we’ll be prepared and not feel ambushed. I really feel that there is a “BEST” way to carry out things, and we should want the best done to us as well as want the “BEST” done towards others.
Continue to be strong Ana. I know all too well of what you’re experiencing and the thoughts and feelings that you’re going thru. I’m a first wife, also and I’ve been on a rough journey this past year. Not with just polygyny but with other severe trials as well, and I’m struggling to get back on track. My life is my life and the main thing I worry/fear is meeting Allah with a bad heart and being punished for bad feelings. I pray that we all get thru our trials with ease. Ameen
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
August 14th, 2009 on 12:12 PM
Good luck Rainy, on your journey. I think many people who are reading Ana’s blog, and either contributing or not, are facing challenges, hopefully learning, and giving to others.
This is such a core topic Ana. After our last exchange about secrecy, some time ago, I really had to stop and think about secrecy in my own life; what I keep secret and why. Things I keep secret from family, things I keep secret from colleagues, things I keep secret from friends. Usually we keep things secret because we think we need to do so in order to survive. I do think it is wrong living though, to develope a habit of associating secrecy and shame. Shame should be related to personal wrong doing, and should be accompanied by righting things up. Secrecy should be related more to an incomplete understanding of right action, and a private seeking of it, or a real awareness of statistical aloneness with one’s opinions, and the need to live them out, regardless. Best wishes to you Ana, and thanks for all your efforts.
August 14th, 2009 on 12:17 PM
Rainy,
He was involved in my life and there was no question of me “losing him.” Understand that I had met his family, used to take his children to school, went shopping with his wife, and visited them on Eid. I knew the family and wouldn’t want to ruin it. Yes, I would have LOVED to be known about and accepted so I could enjoy life as a wife and mother, but Qadr Allah! The man was disobedient! How merciful is it that I never had children to tie me to someone who was clearly not obeying Allah’s commands?
August 14th, 2009 on 1:12 PM
Asalamu alaikom Mai, I have to say that I agree with Rainey. What do u mean u took the kids to school + went for Eid ect? Where you posing as a family friend or something? It makes me feel very uncomfortable to think that Muslims think that this practice is ok I think it is very Jah-hil. How would u feel if your husband did the same thing to u?
August 14th, 2009 on 2:29 PM
Hopefully I’m already there. My wife by all rights should have left me years ago (long story). I’m blessed to have one who helped me realize what I was missing as a husband and parent. According to her things haven’t been this good and we’re alright. As I said I’m blessed.
I’ve been thinking for some time to write to President Monson about polygamy. With all the junk going on with Homosexual marriage in America, I’ve been feeling more and more that other lifestyles were being ignored. If Homosexual marriage is a good lifestyle then why not others???
What I mean by having more wifes to encourage one to ‘man up’ is I grew up with video games and other time waster activities of that nature. It’s been the last few months that I’ve realized how I was in dereliction of my responsibilities. No the family never went hungry or had problems with physical needs. But the emotional needs were not being met.
It was a revelation to me that I wasn’t living up to God’s expectations. Since then I’ve hardly played any games and have been working a lot harder to get things where they should be. The kids behavior has improved (according to other’s and my wife). The family is coming together. And it was because I changed.
All this time I thought it was other’s who had to change. It’s been a surprise.
With one wife and family it’s a lot of responsibility. With more I can imagine just how much more it would be. But then that’s my challenge. To get myself to the point where I would be in a position to do so should God ask.
August 14th, 2009 on 3:52 PM
Research shows secret marriages are valid the same in Allah Swt Sight as public marriage. Society is quick to condemn the couple & label the secret wife “mistress” yet she is given the Honour of Rightful wife by Allah Swt as He looks at the couples sacrifices and circumstances. Allah Swt is Best Judge. Dont 4get the focus is Allah Swt.
August 14th, 2009 on 4:06 PM
Ana if the couple in love are happy to make sacrifices by marrying secretly thereby keepin his mothers heart happy and stil be together Why Not? It has nothing to do with respectin or disrespectin his mother..True love is giving without expectin in return. Live and let live. Leave the judgin to Allah Swt.
August 14th, 2009 on 4:16 PM
Asra,
I’m a bit confused. I was family friends with them BEFORE I married him, or even considered it a faint possibility. I knew them, loved the children, enjoyed the family. But she would not accept any polygyny, and as time went on (perhaps 3 or 4 years of me living singly as a Muslimah) he presented the option. I wasn’t going under a guise. Once I decided to marry him, I had to almost cease the contact and visits because I didn’t want to be hiding something when I was with them. In any case, your view is based on the concept that I had no right to marry him if his wife wouldn’t accept it or didn’t know, I guess. I thought it was safeguarding their family life. If something ever went wrong, I would simply have to forego all my rights to ensure that they never found out. It is a moot point, as it was all wrong really. Islam gives us all rights as women and when they are compromised or not fulfilled, then nothing really works out properly.
As for the question about how I would feel if my husband did that to me – I totally accept that polygyny is a sunnah, so there is no issue of having to hide something because I’m rejecting the concept. My husband talks to me about his plans, told me about his prospective second wife when he felt his decision was made, and we discuss the various aspects of it openly. We have even come up with a blg list of do’s and don’ts for people who want to practice polygyny. The experiences we have both had with it have been something to learn, grow, and benefit from.
Jahiliyah? Yes, to agree to it and stay so long – I was ignorant and foolish. But Qadr Allah, it has played a huge role in who I am today.
August 14th, 2009 on 10:41 PM
Allahluvu, I thought Islamic marriages were to be celebrated and announced (Nikahs and Walimahs) publically, so people would know the couple had wed and weren’t having an illicit affair. Anytime I’ve heard anything being a secret it was something hidden, something someone was ashamed of or embarrassed by. Maybe I’m wrong.
I was once intended (engaged)to another man before I married Alex. Someone asked me, with reference to my intended, “Are you a secret?” He hadn’t heard about me and he knew my intended. I flipped right on out, freaked, went in crazy mode and I wasn’t even married-had just become Muslim. I didn’t want to be anyone’s secret.
So, keeping that in mind…while I was married to Alex and he and I went away that Thanksgiving weekend (I spoke of the weekend in a recent, previous reply), Carolinah and I texed each other. I pulled out my Ace card, and called her a “secret.” When Alex got Carolinah on the phone, and told her to tell me the truth that she and he hadn’t slept together while he and I were married and she wasn’t married to him, in a state of hysteria, crying, she screamed, “SHE SAID I WAS A SECRET.”
Perhaps there are persons out there liking that association and are proud to be “secrets.” Do you know any?
Welcome Allahluvu! This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in. Thank.
August 14th, 2009 on 11:04 PM
Allahluvu, you mentioned “keeping his mother’s heart happy”-is his secret wife’s heart happy? How’s this idea? He marries the woman his mother wants for him and keep her heart happy until he or his mother passes away and then he goes off to satisfy his desire and marry a woman he loves? Do you think that’s doable?
August 15th, 2009 on 12:40 AM
Mai, As Salaamu Alaikum! I’m always happy to hear from you and happy having each individual here. Of course it gets a little rocky here and there with some, at times, but it’s all good. It’s OK to agree to disagree. Is that the saying?
Thank you Mai for sharing what has happened to you, part of your life story. Like you said, it all brought you to the place in life where you are today-closer to Allah… and we could all learn much from hearing about your experiences.
I’ve done many things till this very day that are Jahiliyah like, but I ask forgiveness of Allah, try over and over again to stop doing or saying evil things, ask forgiveness of Allah, wanting, trying and praying to get it right, to become a better person.
What has happened to you made you and is making you focus on what is important today-getting to Jennah (“Paradise” for those who don’t know the term). I make duah Allah continues to bless you immensely Mai and all of us here. Thank you very much Mai! Much love and hugs…
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 15th, 2009 on 1:36 AM
Mai. Oh, I understand now. I just find this practice creates a no-win situation for the women. I knew someone who entered into a secret marriage. It all ended in tears for her. The brother exploited her as she was very vulnerable at the time. It made me feel very sad the way she was treated. In the end he just stop calling her + visiting. Eventually he said she should leave him alone + they were divorced. She failed her studies due to this.
Im glad your experience has brought you closer to Allah swt. Allah surely sets different paths for us all. Take care sis x
August 15th, 2009 on 2:11 PM
Wow ana excellent idea ! Lets forget that it was Allah Swt Will that i married my secret wife and lets now put your idea into motion since it seems your viewpoints are more importan than what Allah Swt destined for me. Did u forget no man/woman can stop what Allah Swt wills. Try 2change your own destiny 1st lets c u succeed
August 15th, 2009 on 5:00 PM
Allahluvu, Allah SWT has decreed that certain people commit adultery and fornication, as well. Just because Allah SWT allowed adultery and fornication to exist does that mean it is OK; it is permissible? People that engage in that type of activity are are going to pay big time.
Just because Allah SWT willed you to take a secret wife does that mean it is good for you; it is a good thing, and you’ll escape pain and agony in this life for doing so and the severest of pain and agony in the Hereafter?
Marriage is not supposed to be a SECRET. Just because Allah SWT allows a person to do a certain thing doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing. Everywhere, everyplace, every country, every culture weddings takes place with public celebrations. What is the purpose of a secret marriage? Is the purpose of secret vows to engage in secret sex?
Allah SWT has allowed Iblis to do all the things that he does as well, doesn’t He? He gave Iblis ammunition to use, for example: sex, lying, cheating, fornication, adultery and the list goes on.
Allah SWT allows everything to happen, and has decreed whatever happens to happen. Do some people use Allah’s decree as an excuse and justification for wrong doing? Allah (SWT) designed this life to see who is best in conduct.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 24th, 2009 on 4:34 PM
Hey, newbie here. I’m a “secret” american girlfriend of almost two years to a moroccan born permenant american resident. Last Ramadan my boyfriend Mo said that he would like to marry me if his mother approved. I was so happy, he’s beautiful, charming and stable. Well several days passed and a couple of phone calls to his mom and he finally said that his she did not approve of him marrying me for various reason that he did not agree with. He calls her every sunday and asks for her approval. Its been a year and nothing has changed. He doesn’t want to hurt me or her and he feels like he’s being made to choose. I just want our relationship to be right and her to be happy for us. The stress of it all is taking a toll on him and I feel like I may have to let him go. So for me the better option would be a secret marriage because I wouldn’t lose him but he is a gentleman and would never ask me to do such a thing. Secrets are for children not for adults.
August 24th, 2009 on 5:43 PM
Rebecca, hi and welcome newbie! You’re in-between a rock and a hard place; excuse the cliche. I just had to say it. You probably read my position regarding wives as “secrets” for what it’s worth, and have read about others and their actual experiences of having been secrets or still are. It is certainly easier giving advice from the outside looking in. I just know I don’t like being a secret unless it’s a silent partner in a business adventure and I don’t like people keeping secrets from me. But that just my likes and dislikes and some of what I know about secrets. Some secrets are probably OK. I my no means know it all.
Going through what you are, it would be nice hearing what others have to say about being in your predicament.
I pray it all works out for you and your decision becomes easy for you. Sometimes just talking about it the way you just did helps to get it off your chest so to speak, and helps you weigh your options, which you seem to being doing.
Every ones comments are welcome and appreciated here to help Rebecca.
If I can think of anything that I think might be helpful to you, Rebecca, I’ll get back to you ASAP.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 24th, 2009 on 11:32 PM
ooh this secret topic sets me off. rebecca, all i have to say is think about
1. how you would feel of he were to marry you and then marry someone his family selects.
2. Think of how the duped selected, family approved wife feels when she discovers you and therby the cheating spouse.
3. Think about how much more torn he will be, especially if his mom comes to know about you and decided to not agree
Secret is not the way to go in my opinion. marriage is a sanctioned bond, should be celebrated and enjoyed, not shut away in secret.
just my 2 cents worth. if you feel this is wrong pl ignore it and forgive me and ramadan kareem ana.
August 25th, 2009 on 1:13 AM
Juman, Ramadan Kareem Juman. Your 2 cents are worth more than money
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
August 25th, 2009 on 6:43 PM
Rebecca,
Being a secret girlfriend is wrong. It will cause trouble in the lives of many people, but the unhappiness it will bring into your own life later on will be very difficult to heal.
Ana, thank you very much for the post that you addressed to me some time ago. It meant the world to me to read it.
August 25th, 2009 on 9:02 PM
Judith, no problema. You over exercise my brain sometimes, but that’s OK.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
December 15th, 2009 on 7:04 PM
Salaam To All,
Regarding Mothers and their “Feet” —
These “feet” are given to her in order to follow her husband. The children are “at her Feet” learning to follow her as she follows her husband as he follows Allah. This is the divine order.
Now, if the Husband (father) is not following Allah, the divine order is negated and all falls into disorder. In a “nut shell” the mother’s “feet” in no way make her a dictator over her son’s life or choice of a wife. She is not his wali or his example or his boss. If the latter were the case, then what of his “manhood”???
Men are called to lead … it is their nature … they are not called to be a “mama’s boy” and neither is the “mother-in-law” called to be an absentee landlord dictatress in her daughter-in-law’s house. I’m absolutely disgusted by people’s endless self-centered consciousness and inconsequent thinking.
As for secret wives: There is little to no justification for such a marriage. Allah is truth, and secrets are lies … so when one enters “secrecy” in marriage, the secret becomes a god (idol) that must be obeyed to everyone’s dishonor and disgrace.
Real men put their women in order and much to the woman’s liking, in as much as she is aware that there are limits of her influence over him that he will not tolerate, and this is what makes him a “man” and Imam and causes her to admire him and trust him and submit to his “Manhood” because she knows he will not abandon her (her greatest fear) as long as she obeys. Otherwise he becomes an Imama’s boy.
As for first wives: These have the right to object to a second or any other wife, and if not to her liking, she then has the option of divorce. But she has no right under heaven to “forbid” him nor does he have to seek her “permisssion”, as both cases would demean his “manhood”, negate the divine order, and cause him to slink into Imama-hood.
However, if he is incapable of managing the emotional status of two or more wives (true for most men), and is incapable of adequate provision for them, the first wife (knowing this) has the responsibility to inform the community and seek their censor of his intention until such time as he inproves his estate.
Must get back t my work now.
wasalaam,
dr oamr