Polygamy 411

1. 
   Donald
   August 16th, 2009 on 9:29 AM

   I agree Ana… I can’t comment from an Islamic perspective of course, but keeping a secret of that magnitude from your own wife and family just seems so wrong. If a husband is permitted that kind of deceit, on what basis can he expect his wife to trust him at all?

   (I don’t mean to judge anyone who is already in this situation. I am far from perfect and have not always lived up to my wife’s trust either. But I just don’t buy the justifications given for such deception within marriage.)
2. 
   mai
   August 16th, 2009 on 11:44 AM

   As salaamu alaikum Ana.

   Frankly, you may hide it from certain people, but you can never hide it from Allah (God). It is wrong in its very essence as it doesn’t give the women their rights that Allah and His Messenger have given them. Whatever the intentions are, however good they may seem, it doesn’t change that fact that a secret marriage is trying to compromise on what Islam sets out as the requirements for marriage and the rights of the spouses. Wrong, wrong, wrong. There is no compromise on what Allah has ordained.

   That’s my rusty penny on this subject!
3. 
   Ameerah
   September 23rd, 2010 on 1:57 PM

   If Allah himself made this type of relationship Halal then there should be no attempt to keep that relationship hidden.

   As it will only hurt the first wife in a state of shock when she will know afterwards, which may be more unbearable for her and the other wife will be more hurting as she is treated like a hidden secret mistress which is same as converting a halal relationship into haraam and this would be very very wrong.

   A nikhaa is very honourable to a woman and this has to be made publicly known to the society.

   I feel sad that in islam it is said that there is no need to seek permission from wife to marry another one again.

   Even thought my husband told me his wife permitted him to marry again. . . I had insisted to meet the first wife and have a talk with her to know whether she really gave permission to her husband to marry me.

   Thanks to Allah, my husband never kept me hidden from his families and friends. I have good relationship with my in laws and respect from his friends too. I believe giving same respect to both wives in the society actually forms part of treating both wives equally which is a fundamental condition allowing a man to seek polygamy.
4. 
   Ana
   September 23rd, 2010 on 7:39 PM

   Ameerah,

   It’s nice to hear that your husband has not kept you a secret and you are accepted by his family and friends. That is truly the way it should be. You are right that none of the wives could have equality, if one is a secret. It’s much easier when the families accept polygamy as a way of life for Muslims. It, of course, is more difficult when the family is non-Muslim and believe polgamy is unacceptable and the relationship is a sin/adultery. That is how my and Alex’s families (non-Muslim) view it. It works for me, as I don’t want them to accept Carolinah for my own selfish reasons, anyway. I know it’s wrong to think that way; it’s not good. Perhaps my thinking will change, as the way it stands I’m wronging my own soul.

   Regarding permission, I don’t think a man needs or should be required to obtain a wife’s permission. I believe he is required to discuss the matter with her, as it would affect her life and Allah says we should conduct our affairs with Mutual consultation. There is no compulsion in Islam. No woman should be enslaved by her husband. She should be set free, if she doesn’t want to live in a polygamous marriage.

   People say the Prophet Muhammand (PBUH) didn’t consult with his wives before taking another. That is correct, but the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was different than the average person. He was allowed to have more than four wives. He was allowed to defer the turn of any as he saw fit. He was ordered by Allah not to exhange any of the wives, nor divorce any. Divorce and exchange is permissible for the rest of us. The wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) were the “Mothers of the Believers.” They had special conditions to abide by, as well. So, it’s true the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t get permission from his wives to take another. No man needs his wife’s permission to take another wife, however, there’s no excuse for a husband not to consult with his wife about it before embarking upon a life of polygamy, or taking additional wives.

   This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
5. 
   yazy
   May 18th, 2011 on 6:51 AM

   Its haram not to announce a marriage as you pointed out it leads to suspicion. Even the prophet (sallahu allayhi wa salam) was under suspicion once when he was with umm salamah (radi allahu anhu) was talking to him outside the masjid during itikaf… I am not entirely sure if it was was um salahmmah. Oh it was in front of her door but with Safiyah. So when 2 men passed by they suspected and the prophet (sallahu allayhi wa salam) said something of this sort “This is your mother Safiyah…” and they responded something like “subhana’allah.” basically the morale is that we should always caste out anything that should lead to suspicion as that may cause trouble in the future and Islam is all about granting one with tranquility.
6. 
   yazy
   May 18th, 2011 on 8:20 AM

   polygamy to sum it up, according to how i see it just a safety net and a way to legitimize extra relationships. basically making sex lawful. I am so surprised to how many women marry as well for sex and just accept to marry for sex as it occured for thoughts of a first wife’s blog. I am going to state my opinion but i think its very a loss of haya. I remember when I got proposed to I debated whether the timing was okay because I am trying to finish school. I was too embarrassed to tell the brother that I did not want to consummate the marriage until later and so my wali had to give him the hint. I cant imagine otherwise a woman giving the hints. thats like a halal hooche. yeah thats what I think. and why would a man marry a woman like that? I thought they liked pious sweet virgins (thats not the point just saying)? So anyways…

   I always wondered why kind of heart would a women have to enter a marriage whilst knowing there is a first wife. how can they hurt another woman? just because they developed feelings with a man whilst not lowering their gaze and interacting and mingling when they should have not supposed to. If only everyone followed Allah’s warnings maybe many would not be hurt. (I have a feeling my writing is very distorted but bare with me Im trying to formulate an argument- did an all nigther trying to write a paper).

   These women I assume: (nowadays-not in the past since today’s polygamy has a different function)

   1. are not even educated and are heavily Dependant on others for a living and are too lazy to work and go out there and do it forthemselves.

   2. are selfish and jsut like the idea of being chased and “better” than the first wife.

   3. inconsiderate!

   personally, I am open to polygamy if my husband insha’allah (when i marry)were to consider it. I basically prepared myself mentally and know i wonder tolerate crap and move on just if he did. if married just for something that was led on by unlawful interaction with the opposite sex i would seriously reconsider whether he is a pious man and whether I want to remain married to such a man. I know I would not. Insha’Allah I will make a option in my nikkah that if he ever wants to marry another wife that I have the choice to divorce him and or to consult with me first (even if islamically he does not have to) but its lawful to make such an agreement.

   Also If i know of a woman who is single and having trouble maintaing herself and her children I am sure i would ask my husband to marry her to ease her affairs. Afterall, the life is temporary and the whole purpose we exist is to please Allah and do righteous deeds towards others (ihsan)…
7. 
   khadijah Z
   May 18th, 2011 on 2:40 PM

   @ Yazy i understand your anger but so you no never was i ever alone to my husband before we married not even on net i always had a friend with me and neither of us seen what the other looked like until after i had accepted the offer of marriage and even he did not see a pic of me till 3 weeks later ok
   so seeing lusting was never in the equation so pls do not step on your own words as Allah knows and making false assumptions on others can lead you to a fall with Allah

   Also as for referring to women in a manor as a hoochi which is same as a trick or whore as many are not of good Islamic values there are those who are and as for marriage to any man wail he is already married to another she has a right to say no and refuse her husband doing so and even to divorce him and many sisters do, however 2 of my co wives accepted me and then changed after due to there own lies of saying only what they thought our husband wanted to hear and he would not fallow threw ok
   now please watch how your words turn into actions that may get you into a lot of trouble by Allah, may he forgive you and if you have a problem to it then take it to Allah it is of him and if you do not accept all of Islam then your not a Muslim

   those who would Question Allah are not true in belief
8. 
   khadija
   May 18th, 2011 on 3:33 PM

   Wow, yazy you basically said the same thing I feel about the whole second wife issue. Sometimes I feel like the 2nd wife is like a “halal” mistress. Whether the woman is your husband’s wife or not, she is still another woman with your husband. It is like a legal way of being with another woman other than your wife.

   I am not saying all second wives are like that, but SOME seem to be that way. Sometimes I feel like Islam can make it easier for women who are mistresses and like to go after married men, because the man can marry her and she is permanently in his life. She becomes entitled to the same rights the first wife is entitled to with him. She will be having his children and he will share his life with her as well. Whereas if she was just a mistress like in many non-muslim situations, her relationship with the man would be temporary and the first wife would have all the rights.

   I feel like marrying a man who already has another wife secretly is a very sneaky behavior, which is characteristic of mistresses. Even though our religion allows mutlitple marriages for men, I feel like SOME people may use it as an escape route to legalize illicit relationships. Some of those secret second marriages start out with the husband cheating on the wife and then he decides to marry his mistress and make her a wife.

   How can any woman marry a sneaky man like that? Also, why are you willing to marry another woman’s husband and have a secret relationsip with him like that? How can a man also hide that from his wife? He will have to lie a lot about where he is going and where some of his money is going so his wife does not get suspicious.

   I am sorry, but I usually don’t tend to have positive feelings about women who continue to pursue a man despite knowing that he is married. I also feel like a man like that should not be trusted. If he can do it to his wife, he can do it to you. Who is to say he will not get a third wife if he becomes attracted to another woman and marry her like he did with you despite the fact that he already has a wife. What goes around will come around.

   I also noticed that many women willing to become 2nd wives do not want their husband to get a 3rd.
9. 
   khadija
   May 18th, 2011 on 3:40 PM

   @Ameerah: It is good for you that your husband’s family and friends accept you.

   I know situation where the family and friends of the husband give a difficult time to the new wife, because their allegiance is to the first wife. If the first wife has good relations with the family then they could team up with her against the new wife. I knew a woman who got along well with her husband’s mother. She was a first wife. When the 2nd one came along they gave her a tough time.

   However, the opposite has happened where the in-laws may not be happy with the husband’s first wife and they welcome the new wifein order to spite the 1st one.

   I wonder how a man marrying a second wife affects his relationships with his in-laws from his first wife’s family. I would imagine they would be hurt for their family member as well.
10. 
    yazy
    May 18th, 2011 on 5:21 PM

    @khadija Z,

    I am not angry I am just stating my feelings in which are attributed to my observations. I want to make it clear just for the sake of this discourse that I am not against polygamy as that what Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala made permissible. I have even come to giving thought to the idea of that if one day when I marry insha’allah I will be open and would suggest to my husband to cooperate with me to help a forsaken sister such as a single mother having trouble finding a job to support her children. Certainly it’s possible to pull through but nowadays it’s difficult for sisters due to prejudice and our communities are not much of shield.

    I also have a different look on what marriage is. To me it’s not about romantic love as much as it is about companionship and Ihsan (i.e. mercy). I see it as a support system to facilitate for each other to be conscious of Allah in order to please him as that is our Goal, ibadah!

    Alluding that someone is a kafir is more harmful than I stating my observations. So don’t get ahead of yourself. Islam is easy and everything in Islam is not out of Vain and is for our own Good. We testify to this as we are Muslims. Think about it, if Islam did not allow polygamy how many would fall out of Islam and in sin all the time! In addition, Islam is ihsan and we recognize everything has rights. The women has rights and so does the man so a man can not disregard her rights in order to take something that is not lawful for him. Just consider the concept of the mahr (dowry) and why women receive it and keep it if they consummate the marriage etc.

    Alhamdulillah for Islam that it elevates the woman to the point that she is not chastised for doing so. I certainly don’t chastise a women but do question how initiated and the reasons behind it in the first place. From what I have observed is that most of these occur when the woman interacted with the man (mingled) in unlawful manner, he did not lower his gaze and she was flirtatious… etc. If she was more modest and straight forward he would have not given it thought or even conclude she would be okay with it. I know for sure those men especially Muslim men are very careful about bringing up polygamy or extramarital relations (it usually does not get brought up- but some clearly state it) but if they see an open avenue they take it! its human nature, this how we understand each other.

    Secondly, if a women is proposed to and she does not find enough information about the prospect it makes me wonder if it was done in a halal manner in the first place. Where is the Wali, did she inquire was he truthful how did they interact? Etc etc… I know this because I have gone through the whole ordeal (proposal…courting-with Wali) and my Wali was very much involved with learning about the prospect and watching out for my rights. So again if the woman does not know the guy was married… I wonder how it was even initiated and how polygamy is being PRACTICED TOTALLY WRONG! I am not sure if brought this up already but I would be so shy to even bring up relations at such an early stage with my prospect not sure how some women just straight forwardly go for it (as was the case in the blog of ‘Thoughts of a first wife’). Like dang… how can a man want to marry an unchaste woman like that so bluntly seeks out relations like that… I mean again this where Islam is here to protect her from sin and becomes a safety net as it becomes lawful in religion to marry for such purpose.
11. 
    yazy
    May 18th, 2011 on 5:29 PM

    Another argument I want to make is Yes, everyone has the right to a husband but so does the first wife and personally I WOULD NEVER want to hurt another woman! Or EVER be at fault of disrupting a family especially if children are involved which is far more important than sexual gratification. Afterall these kids will be our FUTURE UMMAH! seems like these men are totally dismissive about this and dont realize how noble it is to cultivate HEALTHY CONFIDENT MUSLIMS ESPECIALLY IN THIS SOCIETY. IF he is not even there to raise and teach Qur’an to his wife and children how can his argument to doing the “sunnah” even applicable? Does he pray Qiyam Al-layl? Is he a hafiz? Are his kids hafiz? Is his wife a hafiz? How is his home? Do all his family pray? Is there time being dedicated to Islamic studies? Do the kids know how to read the Quran? Speak Arabic. Why do you think charity is due to ones home first?

    But like I said Allah made it persmissible as there are some that are weak and our deen is easy. But the best way to elevate oneself is to cultivate our family first before we seek our desires.
12. 
    khadijah Z
    May 18th, 2011 on 7:50 PM

    @ Yazy and khadija it is stated “your not truly a Muslim until you want for your brother what you want for your self”

    The same way you want a husband, family, children, security, love, care, so dose every woman pretty much.
    no man owns any other esp since slavery was abolished so you will not won your husband, he can make his own choices about his life he may ask you of advise, but he may only do that and continue on to hos own idea.

    Is it a hard life yes it is it can be very lonely not just for a 1st but for all, and what if you have can have no children, or his business fails then what do you bow out so he can support the wife with the children even if you loved him, or you were the 1st? … if you marry and you cant conceive will it be better for you to live alone, face zina just so you dont have to share?

    every woman has a right even if you dont like it…..
13. 
    yazy
    May 18th, 2011 on 8:17 PM

    Khadija z

    Maybe you did not read my comment but I did not state against polygamy. I stated the reasons why its was made permissible. Our Deen is easy and therefore is a safety net for all. Some need polygamy (weak) and some women want THAT (specific) MAN (no different from a mistress pursuit for THAT man) at the cost of anything.

    I personally feel that polygamy should be the last resort since there is no reason to make life difficult on anyone and even on yourself. Islam also teaches that but you fail to realize that. For whatever reasons you got married to a married man I dont care.

    Just know that we will all be held accountable on how we hurt others even it was permissible. For example, if my room mate denies to give me a ride when I ask her and she does not want even if its within her right to deny me for no reason at all it will hurt me. So telling me that to accept Islam in its entirety is to your vain because Alhamdulillah I DO. its those polygamous men that dont! Do they pray their exta nafl prayers all the time. Are they busy trying to teach you Qur’an and work together to memorize/recite Qur’an? I trully believe Allah will compensate those women who are suffering and being patient with those men. My heart goes out to them especially if their husbands are driven by their hormones and not their hearts.

    If a woman is barren now thats a different situation that is more easier (to swallow) for all to come to terms with. I know a woman for example that is barren and older, she has children of her own but her husband on the other hand never had children of his own and is dying to have some. He considered marrying another wife and she is totally against it… that is selfish in my opinion. But to marry a man that had a family already and that sister had some fault to it… well I dont know what to say than GOOD RIDDANCE.

    Dont bring me up and say I selfish as I already made that clear that I would not mind suggesting my husband to take another wife. heck I probably would not mind if he suggested marrying one for the sake of helping her out… but if it was initiated within unlawful terms (as most are) and funny how they justify their marriage with its lawful but they fail to recognize how they met… LOL. mAY ALLAH GUIDE US ALL AMEEN!
14. 
    yazy
    May 18th, 2011 on 8:30 PM

    ONE more thing Khadija z, REFRAIN from small talk with me if you continue your takfeer

    its ridiculous and unnecessary since its not even applicable.
15. 
    yazy
    May 18th, 2011 on 8:35 PM

    btw I tried to be just and read your comments again and i cant makes sense of your argument! whats your point and the point that I did not make. I brought up legitimate reasons as to why polygamy can be pursued. I just know personally I would never want to hurt another sister and cause her distress (if she welcomed it because she was barren) then I would not feel as bad but still what kind of heart does a second wife have in order to do that?! I’m curious! did you not feel bad or even consider her? HOw did he hear about you? what did you like about him?
16. 
    khadija
    May 18th, 2011 on 9:28 PM

    @ khadija z:

    It is easy for a second wife to sit and say for another woman to accept polygamy. Okay, then since you preach to want for your sister what you want for yourself, then I am sure you will have no problem at all if your husband were to get a third wife then right? I am asking because I notice, many second wives have no problems marrying another woman’s husband, yet do not want their husbands to marry after them even though they had no problem marrying him after the 1st wife.

    Anyway, it is NOT polygamy that I am against, but the WAY it is practiced by some people. I have problem with men who are unfair in treatment between different wives. I also have a problem with subsequent wives who come in feeling superior to the first wife because they might be the man’s new toy. I am not talking about you specifically, but I am speaking from experience of certain situations I have witnessed.

    I am not against polygamy, but I am against an UNFAIR practice of it.

    Please put yourself in the first wife’s shoes and try to imagine how she may feel. Or better yet like I asked before, how would you feel if your hubby decides to get Mrs. 3?
17. 
    Mohummud Yaaseen
    May 19th, 2011 on 12:15 PM

    I think I stated this before on this site. It is a total misconception that a man must have certain inherent problems with his current wife to have another one. A women being barren is no excuse for polygamy as if a man had four barren women he would be polygamous and still without children.

    A man doesn’t need a reason to marry a second third or fourth wife that must be any different to the reason he married the first one. That is total equality. It is totally unfair to expect him to marry a second wife b/c there is a defect in the first, that doesn’t appear to be the spirit of love and marriage.

    The Prophet (S) didn’t have to complain of shortcomings in Sawda (ra) when he married Ayesha (ra). Nor in Ayesha when he married Hafsa and so on.

    Neither did the companions have to list reasons for adding to the wives they had. That is just our modern thinking b/c we have problems accepting the right of the man marrying additional wives should he see himself as fit for the job (justice).

    Nor is polygamy a feat for weak men b/c they can’t control their lust, as many lustful men have testified that four wives still couldn’t slake their lusts. Lust must be dealt with through purification by opposing all things that is haraam. Yes marriage does help with lust, but that doesn’t mean that more marriages will mean less lust.

    On the flip side, marriage tends to tie a man down so if he does love women then he ought to be tied down by several on them, taking responsibility for them and seeing to their needs. That will definitely exhaust him beyond the point of lust.

    The way I see it is that strong men practice polygamy. Weaker men practice monogamy and even weaker men simply marry their slave girls b/c they are ill equipped to marry even free believing women.

    That appears to be the approach of Qur’an… marry the women amongst you, two three or four (note Allah doesn’t say one two three or four) if you are unable to do justice ( note that this is a qualifying statement) then marry only one (monogamy is qualified) or (if you can’t even do justice to a free believing women) then the slave which your right hand posses…

    And the Qur’an repeatedly insists that believers must be just, so the quality of justice should be within the capacity of the majority of believers. In other words, polygamy is for the majority of the believers, not for a minority who by some misfortune has a defective wife. My wife would be heart broken if I married another women saying she is defective or that I’m dissatisfied with a shortcoming in her. In fact, were God to have enforced monogamy I would insist that men should be satisfied with no children if they can’t have children. Being satisfied is a quality of all believers so therefore, dissatisfaction cannot be the excuse for polygamy.
18. 
    yazy
    May 19th, 2011 on 1:00 PM

    “The way I see it is that strong men practice polygamy. Weaker men practice monogamy and even weaker men simply marry their slave girls b/c they are ill equipped to marry even free believing women.”

    Are you serious?! this is very subjective and even era contingent. Nowadays as I have observed its men that are weak and cannot control their lust and desire (even lower their gaze). I dont see how that is STRONG lol. Tell these men not to desire more than their wives and to fulfill themselves with their one wife. They will tell you they can’t. They are not content. It basically narrows down to those who bite more than they can chew.
19. 
    Mohummud Yaaseen
    May 19th, 2011 on 1:17 PM

    AA Yazy

    You’ve got it wrong. Weak men zina. No one is obligated to marry if they don’t want to. It is way easier to just zina with extra women than marry them as then the lust part is taken care of without having to burden the responsibility of extra wives.

    Men marry one wife, not because they wouldn’t like more women, but because they can’t handle it. Or b/c they are worried about disturbing the feelings of the wife they have, so they never disclose their interest in other women. Lastly, they simply have affairs. There isn’t a man out there who forever remains interested in only one women though lots of men don’t ever act on it and simply remain monogamous b/c of the inconvenience of polygamy. Shying away from that inconvenience makes them weaker.
20. 
    yazy
    May 19th, 2011 on 1:29 PM

    Makes them smarter I must say! They are aware of the HUGE obligation it entitles. As I already stated, Islam is a safety net and its supposed to make life easy for all. so if polygamy was not permissible alot of men would feel tension and they would fall in sin and consequently fall out of the folds of Islam. a man whom lowers his gaze and fulfills himself with his wife on accordance to feeling desire is stronger than a man who can’t control his desires. a lot of these men actually partake in unlawful interaction with these 2nd, 3rd, 4th wives. whilst it be talking, “making dawah (which is wrong since he should most direct the sister to other sisters),” and especially not lowering his gaze and becoming infused with todays culture of wanting THOSE type of women but of course once he marries them he turns them into niqabis.
21. 
    yazy
    May 19th, 2011 on 1:36 PM

    Let me present you the common scenario today, GO to any man’s facebook and you will see female friends of all sorts and down right HARAM profiles. most women (my friends) we dont even befriend men for the sake of not interacting. In addition, one whom is constantly in remembrance of Allah would not be entertained with lusts especially if he already has a wife.
22. 
    khadijah Z
    May 19th, 2011 on 2:04 PM

    @ Yazy and Khadija … how will i feel well to put it frank im the 4th wife not the 2nd or the 3rd … but the 4th and how much do i love my co wives so much so that when his business failed during the down turn i offered many times to divorce him and go back to the US ok, to make it easier on all financially…
    when they all had there babies i went to see them and helped and watched there babies so they could soak in a hot tub or just to refresh them selves…..

    when they were ill i went to the market and got all what they needed because our husband would be late getting home….
    Im not a heartless person and i avoided him for over 7 months to avoid this kind of lonely life but Allah has it planned already and how did i meet him he was looking for a 4th i met him through a sister in my masjid who did not want this marriage way either so when she turned it down she also suggested me since i had no small children and lived alone
    Why him many different reasons as in the brothers i had been put to before him of there fake words, lies, looking for a green card, always stating they never did or even thought of that to be so pure and then you see them out in the streets what they are doing… they didnt even pray or even fast during Ramadan only looking for a Islamic marriage not a legal one till they found the right one so to only have sex or a woman to cook and clean for them till the got the right one then out she went like a long term mutah… he admitted that till a few years before meeting me he was not a good Muslim, he hid nothing told it all the way up to fallowing his deen in the best way he yes also had a secret wife during the 3 wives he had to come clean, his business was doing haram things so sold out to his partner and started all over … but Alhumduillah he is still trying his best to be strong… this was what drew me to him and even i never let him know it did … Life is different for all and even we say i will never or i never had, or i dont want, dose not make a difference as Allah has the final word in all,
    so tho we want to live a certain way it dose not mean we will, and many her will say as i did it was something i ever thought id do or stay in.
    My kufir husband was a cheat and abusive and i stayed for my kids for more then 12 years till i could no longer bare it …. why stay with my husband now is it money no he is a poor many by many standards, is he handsome well i refer to him as my troll man with his big flat patch of hair on top of his feet balding head but i do love him very much and he has never abused me verbally or physically some thing i had all my life and this made him to me unique as a man dose he fallow Quran and Sunnah yes why would i leave him and even if he dose not love me i do love him and try my best to not pressure him just so he knows i no

    Anyway life is not a bowl of cherries, and we can dream all the dreams we want but you still have to spit out the pits to have before breaking a tooth just to get the sweet meat of it and life can do it to you also

    Nothing in life is perfect and in the west we get fairy tails of how life will glitter and shine and we are all with baking sales and tea party’s till you turn into Alice and fall down the hole and wind up in a different scenario and its all over kiss it good by cos you have landed in real life and fairly tails never did exist and kissing prince charming only to see him turn into a frog or worse …..
23. 
    khadijah Z
    May 19th, 2011 on 2:22 PM

    @ Mohummud Yaaseen yes you got that right when my husband was admitting all his bad before he started fallowing Islam as he should of as a young boy on, he admitted of all the affairs he had with single and married MUSLIM women wail he had 3 wives already … Alhumduillah he got straight and stopped it all before i came along
24. 
    Jenny
    May 19th, 2011 on 2:25 PM

    @ Yazy,

    I just got your other post on my phone, so I wanted to come online and answer your questions. Since this topic is more apropos on this forum, I’ll answer your questions here as everyone knows my story.

    My husband left Pakistan when he was 13 years old and was raised by his uncle in England. He later came to the U.S. and became a citizen when he was a young man.

    His mother insisted he come back to Pakistan to marry his first cousin, it was already arranged. He married her, but he wasn’t going to live with her. Neither of them were happy with the situation, but they did it for their families.

    Ms.P (that’s my name for her) lives with and cares for his mother. It is no military secret that he has no love for her, but he does honor her and treats her well. His mother would call him back to Pakistan every few years for a child. He would spend two months with her, she would be pregnant and he would leave, not returning unless his mother summoned. There are three children, which was enough. He has not been back to Pakistan since, but he does speak to his mother and children everyday on the phone.

    At one point, I guess about 10 years ago, he entertained divorcing her. Granted, they did not have any kind of a legal marriage, just an Islamic one. It was mentioned how it would bring great shame upon her (they live in a tribal area) and their family (since they are first cousins). She agreed to care for his mother and he would support her and not divorce her. That would be the extent of the marriage.

    Skip ahead seven years. I used to own a Jewish women’s magazine and I met my husband when I rode in one of his taxi’s. He was checking off a driver and we started talking and wanted my business card. I kid you not, the first thing he told me was, “You’re going to become my wife!” I looked at him and laughed and told him that would be impossible because I was dating a rabbi! It was true, we were going to announce an engagement very soon.

    He called me, texted me, left flowers at my door. I ignored him. I never stopped thinking about him. I programmed his number on my phone with the most annoying ring, so I would know it was him and not answer it. I nicknamed him Itchy (because he got under my skin). I could not get this man out of my head!

    The rabbi did propose to me, but I couldn’t get Itchy out of my head, and Itchy would not give up on me. We went out on a few dinner dates and I knew I could not live without this man who would not give up on me. I broke up with the rabbi. A few weeks later, Hubs and I married. We had a nikkah performed by the Imam of a very big majid. A good friend of his. Several days later, we had a very big splashy Orthodox Jewish wedding.

    Hubs always told me about the wife in Pakistan. He said there was no marriage to her other than in name only. He hasn’t spoken to her in almost 8 years and hasn’t slept with her in over 10. He was very lonely and wanted to marry for love. He told me that Islam allowed for him to take another wife, besides we have a marriage license here, since none exists in Pakistan.

    He didn’t tell his family in Pakistan about me for a long time. Honestly, I didn’t care as they are not part of my life. His family is familiar with polygamy because his sister’s husband left Pakistan, lives in Florida with an American wife and several children. His brother-in-law lived this life for about 10 years before he came clean with his sister. It seems our marriage mirrors theirs. Our nikkah was public as we had a very big walima. Our marriage was not a secret here by any means.

    When we decided to start a family and I got pregant, he came clean with his family. It wasn’t too long ago. They approve of me. I have no contact with Ms.P, neither does Hubs, but I do speak to her father and her brother. We are all close to be honest with you. If Ms.P was bothered by any of this, I would think her father would have said something, so apparently, they are fine with the situation. Probably glad that Ms.P was not shamed with a divorce. Hubs told me if a time ever came that I could not handle this, he would divorce her rather than lose me.

    Yes, I am in loosely in a poly marriage, but my husband is not polygamous. He has no desire to be with more than one woman. He is my best friend and the air that I breathe. We are together 24/7. My mother teases us that we are so far up each others a$$ that she can’t tell where one starts and the other ends.

    In his culture, his children accept me as mother too. They call me mother as well. We are waiting for their visas and they will be living with us as decreed by his mother. In Pakistan, the mother-in-law rules the roost. I am greatful that Ms.P takes care of her because I don’t think we would get along if she tried to run my life here. She doesn’t even try it.

    I feel the same way you both do. I realize that polygamy is decreed by Allah, so therefore it is halal. I acknowledge that there are very good properties in it. But it is not for me. If I had a schedule or knowing my husband was sexing another woman, I would die. I was raised Orthodox Jewish and never even knew this lifestyle, so it is still very weird to me; although, it is becoming more normal everyday. If I ever thought my husband would take another wife, I would be out the door like my shoes were on fire.

    For awhile, I got jumped a few times because I come across as being cold with Ms.P. My position is she made her bed, she now has to lie in it. I think she is a very righteous Muslim and can say not one bad word about her. However, I am throughly possessive with my husband. Note, I said MY husband, not our husband. She knows nothing about him and is no way a part of his life at all. So yes, he is my husband. The co-op is in my name, the business is in my name, the bank accounts, the cars, the insurance policies, I have every credit card, etc… I have no desire for anything she has in Pakistan, but what is in the U.S. of A. is mine. I’ve done my share of work for it.

    The point I am trying to make without sounding like a Bit*ch is Ms.P has no bearing whatsoever on our life. We live where we want, we vacation where and when we want, we make financial decisions based on what we want, etc. She has nothing whatsoever to do with our life. My husband will be starting chemo. No one knows of his medical conditions but me. Everything in our lives is between he and I. Not three, but the two of us.

    Sometimes I do have a thought of symapthy for her, why she would chose this life of lonlieness instead of finding someone who loves her for her? My husband always teases me that he is going to cover me in so much gold I’ll have to grow another arm. And he does. All he buys me is 24kt that the Pakistani jewelers sell. As soon as the business started making money, he went out and bought me a $100k Mercedes. He’s brought me flowers home every Friday since we’ve met. So, if I was in a full-fledged poly marriage, I would die. I couldn’t handle it. I’m being honest, I am just too in love with my husband and will never ever share him. I’m stuck in the boat, but it is something that I can deal with because I know the parameters of it.
25. 
    khadijah Z
    May 19th, 2011 on 2:36 PM

    @ Khadija how would i feel? I’ll tell you how i FELT to know my husband had sex with and fathered 4 children to my best friend, wail i was helping her and supporting her, taking her back and 4th to work and her kids to the day care, or how about the child he fathered to his own brothers wife, and how to tell your children that there cousin is really there sister and watching your brother in law go down hill in grief over what his brother and wife did of him and there children, and nothing you can say or do as all are blaming you for not keeping him on a leash like the dog that he was….
    like i keep saying you think a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th have no feeling towards the 1st in how she feels or will feel sorry your wrong we do know, we have lived it before Islam and after there is also knowing that using your heart for some thing other then anger, hatred and attacking another out of some thing YOUR husband did is not always best to attack the other person in it…. she also has needs and wants even if she did it by a wrong way but ultimately you will come to understand it is the Husband’s choice to look find and get no matter how much you do for him
26. 
    khadija
    May 19th, 2011 on 4:38 PM

    @ jenny:

    Wow, I feel really sad for Mrs. P in Pakistan. That is such a sad life.

    @ Khadija z: No, I don’t think other wives care about the 1st wife’s feelings, otherwise they would not have gone ahead to marry her husband in the first place. It is easy to be okay with polygamy if your are not the first wife. And lucky you, you are the 4th one, so he can’t marry after you.

    Honestly, I think I would prefer to live like Mrs. P and just have my husband give me children and leave. It might not be such a bad arrangement after all. I really prefer to not live with a man. I just want children. I don’t want a husband. Men are only good for money and giving their sperm to put it bluntly. I can work and take care of my own kids. I want a more independent life. Jenny you are right. It is better to not live in the same place with your husband’s other wife and watch him go to her every other night.

    I honestly have no desire for a husband. I just to have my own kids. I think temporary marriages are haram, but I would want one of those just so the man can give me kids and then leave. I don’t want to live with a man. I prefer to have girls so i can raise them on my own.
27. 
    Jenny
    May 19th, 2011 on 5:17 PM

    @ Khadija,

    Just for arguments sake (and I don’t agree with this by the way), I want to comment on what you said “I don’t think other wives care about the 1st wife’s feelings, otherwise they would not have gone ahead to marry him husband in the first place.”

    When the Prophet (pbuh) married one (or maybe two) of his wives while he was out of town, he did not ask his current wives permission, nor did they think they should not marry the Prophet out of respect to the other wives. I think we are thinking with our monogomous mentality. I do agree with you however, but I don’t think this argument holds up because a man can take four women as wives. Really, if polled, how many first wives would roll out the carpet to lose half of her husbands attention, love, sex, money, time, and time away from the children? I think really very few, regardless how Pro-polygamy they are. I will go on record that if I EVER had to share one minute of my husband, I would be out of there like my shoes were on fire! I recognize a man’s right to have four wives; however, I also recognize that I have the same right to have one husband to myself.

    I’m okay with the situation I am in; however, if it changed in the least, I would not put up with it and my husband knows that. In my opinion, she can have money and a house, but that’s all she’s getting out of MY husband. Yes, I use that “my” again, because she had her chance 10 years ago and let him go.

    Honestly, when my husband proposed to me after we had ironed this all out, I really had no concern for her because she is not part of our life. I know that sounds really cold, but she had no role in my husbands life the 7 years prior to my marrying him, nor did she have any role in his/our life after our marriage.

    Now if it was a situation like Lynn or Ana, things should have been different. Maybe some contact should have come into play, but I think that is just thinking like women. If you read the Prophet’s (pbuh) example, that didn’t happen. I don’t know what is right. All I know is what is right for me.
28. 
    Lynn
    May 20th, 2011 on 3:09 AM

    @jenny – you stated “Now if it was a situation like Lynn or Ana, things should have been different.” can you clarify ? what you mean ? thanks dear.
29. 
    Jenny
    May 20th, 2011 on 4:28 AM

    @ Lynn,

    ASA! I hope you are doing well my friend!

    I was discussing from the position of the new wife (especially before marriage). I implied it was the correct thing to do to make contact with the first wife and to consider their feelings. This is different in my case because my Ms.P has had no contact with him due to this arrangement 7 years before. Really, what could I possibly say to her? “Gee, I’m sorry but I’m now his wife?” They didn’t live together, didn’t talk, and there is no connection between them. In you and Ana’s situation, the new wife materialized from having known the husband for a long time and squeeked in using shifty methods as best. Furthermore, you both were living with your husbands having a life together. There was no life together with Hubs and Ms.P.

    The way I see it, I have 100% of everything. If someone is going to come into the very essence of my being, my marriage, and take 50% of my life, I feel something needs to be said to me. That is how I feel about you and Ana. You both deserved “something.” I don’t know where that something should have come from, her or your husband. I feel I don’t owe my Ms.P that because she had 100% of nothing to do with my husband.

    With these statements, I agreed with Khadjia. From my personal opinion, if Hubs was living with Ms.P, they had a happy family, I would have never even said hello to him as the last thing I would want to be is a homewrecker. To be honest with you, when Hubs first told me the situation, that was part of the reason I ran from him for two months. First I didn’t want to be a homewrecker, and second, I didn’t know what kind of marriage this would be. It took me some time to digest the fact that he had nothing to do with her for the past 7 years (now 10). I looked at everything through my eyes. I was really shocked that things were just like he told me. I never thought someone could live the arrangement that they lived. I still don’t understand it, but in a way I now do. Finally, I realized I was not a homewrecker and married my husband. You and Ana were victims of homewreckers. When Ms.P and C made dibs on your husbands, and I say dibs because they were in your life (or your husbands) and knew they would be causing some harm to achieve their goals. It may have been different if the husbands wanted polygamy and started looking. It seems these chicks landed in their laps and then decided, “Oh, I can have four wives! Yipee!!” In true polygamy, I don’t think the woman has a goal per se, or a more better word, an agenda. C and Ms.P had an agenda with your husbands being led to slaughter so to speak.

    I’m just curious, what came first, the pregnancy or the marriage with your Ms.P?
30. 
    Lynn
    May 20th, 2011 on 5:04 AM

    Thanks Jenny everything is fine at this moment.

    The marriage came first, then the pregnancy. btw hubby is very good at birth control – my youngest already 8 years old. They might have sex before the marriage i dont know – may Allah forgives me if i am wrong.

    FYI – Ms. P wanted to marry someone from my country i heard, but never expect my hubby to be her target when they were married she was 26 and he was 41.
31. 
    Mohummud Yaaseen
    May 20th, 2011 on 10:20 AM

    I’m sorry I can’t agree that polgamy is for the weak who can’t control themselves. Only the strongest and best men in history were almost all polygamous, with the except of Nabi Isa (A.S) who also never got married. All Prophet (A.S) were polygamous, most of the companions, most of the great Imaams and Shuyukh of the past and even some of the now great shuyukh are polygamous. I am talking about men who read Khatams complete every three days, who spend their nights in prayer and their days fasting. Men who dedicate themselves to teaching Qur’an and helping the down trodden. I can hardly say they are weak.

    Weak men have affairs, and some treat polygamy in the same way they treat affairs. But the two are totally different.
32. 
    yazy
    May 20th, 2011 on 10:31 AM

    EXACTLY the BEST of men practiced it! Recognize on how they do so. THEY MOST certainly dont do it the way many do so today and on those same basis or even approached it. Its also important to be historically, culturally and geographically contingent. Why men practice it today is due to weakness which was a product of their mingling and haram interaction with non-mahram women. If they are not TOP notch on their DEEN they should not consider it as they are not even “harvesting” better muslims and to me that is should be one of the purposes.
33. 
    Mohummud Yaaseen
    May 20th, 2011 on 1:53 PM

    I think part of the difficulty regarding polygamy from a woman’s perspective might be that woman are monogamous. She gives her heart to a guy, and if it is set on him she pretty much doesn’t want anyone else ever, unless that relationship ends and then she might, after a while consider taking that risk again.

    These are all generalizations

    Men are very different. I never married my first love, and I still love her. Yet, I am very happy with the wife I have and I love her very much too. In essence, I love two woman, possibly three. Now if I had the opportunity to marry these other woman (hypothetically) and hence share a physical relationship with them, I probably would. However, I’d still love the wife I have, and also the other women I love even though the status of my relationships would all change. It is wrong, in my opinion, to expect a man to choose between two women when he loves them both. It is also wrong to force women to marry single men when they have loved a married man b/c nothing should prevent her from also being married to that man.

    I think, that young woman who were in love with me before I got married and still wished to marry me even after that, should have the option of doing so, provided I actually wanted to do that. I actually had a situation like that, but I turned it down. I wasn’t gonna become polygamous immediately after I married my wife. I just didn’t think I could handle that. But there are still women out there that want to marry me regardless of my being married. I still am not sure I can handle it, hence I am strictly monogamous, but not for the same reason a women would be. I am not loyal to my wife in the same way she is to me, because I can admit I love other women, but she doesn’t love another man except me.
34. 
    yazy
    May 20th, 2011 on 2:33 PM

    I am not having trouble understanding why men are polygamous. The same can be applied to a woman:
    1. She might compare her husband and desire HIM to be that way.
    2. She is well aware her husband is very unattractive and is attracted to other men.
    3.Wished she married someone “better”

    this is a reality too and I have in some occasions heard this from happily married women [it was insinuated as obviously its haram]. I know that men like to believe they are the worlds to their wives and the Qur’an is very indicative of how our natures is.

    [37:48] And with them will be chaste females, restraining their glances (desiring NONE EXCEPT their husbands), with wide and beautiful eyes.

    unfortunately we are human and your wife will think of all the other bachelors she could have chosen than you and that will settle to her once reality sinks after the honeymoon stage.

    So its not black and white situation. Women know and have even been known to stay with men who love other women besides them or even cheated on them while the men express their disdain for them. (applies to kafirs as well). some women just want protection and stability (its on our nature-fitrah)and because of this become complacent.

    Men just have a different way of dealing with things and they are more somatic in that sense. Women by nature are more shy and its almost degenerate for a women to want 2 men at the same time (sexually) again the Qur’an is very indicative of this nature which is why Allah out of honor of women does not address houri to women but yes we will also have houri of our own insha’allah. Its a hard to swallow that but yes!

    “he’s better than nothing.” is their argument and the reason to just stay… women can learn to be attracted to someone they “love” and women can learn to “love” one who they are attracted to. TWO distinct scenarios.

    We should note that regardless if its halal its not an open play ground. We should fear Allah before we partake on anything that Allah clearly gives warning while making permissible. again I like to state that Islam is a mercy and wants to make things easy for all so that we dont transgress which is why Polygamy is permissible. I personally dont have a problem with polygamy as that is a safe net and an honor towards women and from Allah but I also have the right to feel disdain for it in my life. I MIGHT accept it but I might not Whatever Allah wills.

    Keep in mind that even our beloved prophet (sallahu allayhi wa salam) forbade Ali (radi allahu anhu) to take another wife when with Fatima because it would reall upset her BUT THEN again that was Abu jahl’s daughter (the enemy of Islam)
35. 
    khadija
    May 20th, 2011 on 9:56 PM

    @ Mohummud:

    I think some of you men like to delude yourself into thinking you are the world to your wives. Don’t you think sometimes, a wife might not wish she was married to a wealthier or more handsome man. It is not that women don’t desire other men. They are just more loyal while men tend to be more treacherous and can be overtaken by their lusts.

    Besides, I don’t believe that argument that men like to use where they say that they can love more than one woman at a time. NO! He will ALWAYS have a FAVORITE AND BELOVED ONE. He will always love one above all the rest of his wives. Even the prophet (peace be upon him) was loved Aisha above all the rest.

    I don’t care what anyone says. Polygamy is not a happy situation for all women. In a polygamous marriage, I feel like only ONE woman is truly happy and that is the favored wife. You cannot love two different women equally. The quran makes this clear. Men are in denial and think they can make all women happy. One wife always ends up suffering (usually the first one) while he favors the new one.
36. 
    khadija
    May 20th, 2011 on 10:03 PM

    @ Mohummud:

    You said it is not fair to make a man choose between two women he loves. Well, it is not fair to make a woman share the man she loves. She can only have that one in her life, so isn’t it unfair to make her share his bed, love, money, and affection with her. Is it fair for her to see her husband come home to her every other night from another woman?

    I don’t believe in making a man the center of your world. That is stupid. Men are not deserving of that kind of love since they are too busy dreaming about other women while their wives are sacrificing her all for them. I will personally divorce my husband if he felt the need to seek another woman. I will not deny him his right to have four wives, but I won’t be one of them.

    Allah is the center of my world. I pray that I do not have that kind of excessive love for a woman who would only probably break my heart once he falls in love again and gets bored of me. I never believed in those love stories I saw on tv. I think it only leads to hurt, because men are not faithful. I just want marriage for children, but not for love and companionship, because it doesn’t last.
37. 
    khadija
    May 20th, 2011 on 10:04 PM

    I mean I pray I don’t have that kind of excessive love for a *man not woman lol…
38. 
    Jenny
    May 20th, 2011 on 10:15 PM

    @ Khadija,

    Don’t get tarnished, not all men are dishonorable rats; although, a lot of them are. If you only knew how many frogs I had to kiss before I met my husband!!

    He is the most boring man on earth! We have the most boring life a married couple can possibly have. Every aspect of our life is boring, and I mean every aspect! He likes the same foods I make, over and over. Same everything. And do you know what?? I LOVE IT!! Our idea of living on the wild side is going for a walk on the pier or his having apple juice with dinner instead of water.

    I guess the whole purpose of what I’m saying, is my husband is very domesticated (making him sound like a cat), a home body. He doesn’t seek excitement. We are both very much loners, only wanting each other’s company.

    Like you, I won’t share my husband, his love, or time. That is all mine. I don’t mind making sure Ms.P is taken care of. Like I said, I can deal with that. But when it comes to Hubs, I know where he is every night!
39. 
    khadija
    May 20th, 2011 on 10:45 PM

    @ Jenny: I personally don’t see how being close to your husband is boring. Also, you are having twins, so they are more people for you to get close to. You don’t need all those extra people in your life. You just need to be close to the few people who truly love you.

    I personally like the simple life as well. My idea of a fun time is taking a walk in the park and having a long conversation with a good friend. I am not into most of the things other college student are into I guess.

    I really admire your closeness with your husband and I wish I could find a man who would love me that much. However, at this point I have lost hope in men. Like I said, I just want children. I don’t want to fall in love or at least not be too attached to my husband. That way if he ever were to ever fall for another woman, it would hurt less if I as not so madly in love with him.
40. 
    Jenny
    May 20th, 2011 on 11:11 PM

    @ Khadija,

    I didn’t mean to imply that I find my husband boring. I love him to pieces and I love the life we carved out. But, it is boring, but I love a boring life! After rushing and climbing the ladder to get ahead in the rat race, it is nice to finally fall out of life. Boring to me is exciting. Everyone who knows us says we are the most boring people they know, but I take that as a compliment. To live in a home without TV, as today’s society revolves around TV, and be close and happy says a lot.

    I don’t like people in my life; but I don’t have to worry about that anymore because I am dead to all my Jewish friends (remember I was raised Orthodox Jewish and I reverted several months ago) and all the Muslim women avoid me like the plague, whether it is out of jealousy, polygamy fears, or the fact I have Jewish blood running through my veins. My only social life now is having lunch with hubs and being on the phone most of the day with my mother. For real excitement, I have doctor appointments. I can go days without even going out the front door. Today was one of them.

    My life is a routine. Tuesday’s I go grocery shopping, Sunday’s the Farmer’s Market. Other than that, I do not leave my house with the exception of doctor appointments. I love staying home and I count my blessings that I can do this. I know a lot of families depend on two incomes.

    You are too young to be disillusioned on men. I agree with you, there are a lot of jerks and bums out there, but there are also a few silver tunas there as well. You just have to hold out for the silver tunas. To love someone is the greatest feeling you can ever imagine. After being married for three years, I wake up looking at our wedding picture next to my side of the bed and I can’t believe I am married to such a wonderful man. After three years, I still pinch myself. I don’t know what I did in my life to deserve him, but I try my best to let him know how much I love him. It’s okay to fall in love. You may get hurt, but it is an experience that will give color to your world.
41. 
    Ruqayyah
    May 21st, 2011 on 4:04 AM

    Sorry, I have to cut in and say this:

    Not ALL of the Prophets were polygamous. Adam (AS) was not and there is no proof that many and most of the other prophets were. That’s a blatant fabrication and you should know this, Muhammad Yaseen. There is proof of marriage but not polygamy and there is proof that some of the few whose stories we know of were polygamous. Where is your proof for this assumption?

    We need to stop looking at polygamy as being about weakness or needs of men or women because both issues are those which we are supposed to fight with our love for Allah (SWT). Polygamy is marriage and marriage is about love, support and understanding for our fellow brothers and sisters in Islam and if anyone involved in it (be they the husband, the first, second, third or fourth wife, etc. or intendeds) were to suffer from it, then it is obviously not being done correctly or for the pleasure of Allah (SWT).

    Remember there is a time and many places on this earth right now that can benefit from polygamy. The issue seems to be that, rather than polygamy being practiced where it is necessary and helpful, it is being used as a tool to fulfil a person’s desires (such as a man chasing a woman whose gaze he should have turned from, or a woman desiring to be possessive and controlling when there is a need to give).

    I never married my first love, or my second. Two days after I married my husband, the second’s mother called without knowing that I’d married as she wished that I may marry her son. To say that I don’t share the same feelings of wanting closeness to two men simply because I’m a woman is stupid. Those feelings don’t disappear at nikah. Why do you think women are capable of committing affairs and cheating on their husbands? Their nature may be monogamous but it depends on whether they feel fulfilled in their marriage.

    I believe I would be capable of loving two men at the same time — however, men are of a more wild disposition that they are incapable of doing what they might like of others. However, Islam tells me just one as it is better for me and there is the best of wisdom with Allah (SWT).

    My husband wants another child — he saw me labour with our others and the difficulties I endure bringing them up, he swore he’d never want to experience that pain but he’s got no issue with wanting me to do so. (Yes, he feels bad that I should be in pain but doesn’t feel bad to ask and expect it of me). That’s the attitude many men have toward women and that’s why women can be stronger than men.

    We bear all that they would and could never bear themselves.

    We care about their desires over our own. The problem with men is that they expect their desires to be fulfilled but expect women to curb their own. Sometimes it’s halaal, sometimes it’s haraam. At the end of the day, it doesn’t come down to the black and white of halaal and haraam: it comes down to selfishness and selflessness. Possessiveness and looseness. Dignity and indignity. You can’t rob a Muslim of their dignity, whether they’re male or female.

    Thus ends this mini-rant.
42. 
    Nura
    May 21st, 2011 on 9:25 AM

    Wow. How could I even think of being so inconsiderate as to marry a man who was already married?

    Did I chase him?
    No, I was introduced to an Arabic teacher.
    Was I alone with him?
    No.
    Did I lust after him?
    No, I admired him, but he was never on my radar as husband material-he is 9+ years younger than I am and he adores his other wife.
    Did he marry me for lust?
    No, he felt compelled to marry me and believes it was from Allah as he never intended to marry a second. When he was trying to bring up the subject to his first, SHE suggested he marry me. Which brings me to the issue: Am I a horrible person to not consider what this will do to first wife? To not care about them?

    NO,I am not a horrible person. My husband knew that I was planning to marry, he knew I would consider polygamy and he knew I would require the consent of the first wife if I did so. He was the man that I planned to have serve as my guardian and check out my future husband prospects as I trust this man with my life. I didn’t consider marrying him AT ALL until he asked, and I knew his other wife had consented. I had just recently rejected an offer by one man and had been sought out by others. (No, I am not some hot mama, I am a middle aged, plain, unattractive, out of shape, western revert living in Arabia-I could actually be picky and planned on being so-I wanted a husband so that I could go to haj and to teach me about my religion. I was hoping that I would love him, but I was willing to marry with mutual respect and understanding and just be dutiful and a good wife. I thought “love” was overrated. I wanted the best Muslim I could find that wouldn’t expect me to wear niqab (I have my limits, and mild claustrophobia sets that one for me).

    Anyway, I did fully consider the feelings of the other-and I spoke with her about them. We are working things out as a family that need to be, their kids know I am part of the family and his son who is old enough to understand accepts me fully-probably the one here having the easiest time of it as he is being raised very Islamically. The child is 9 and has memorized half the Quran!!! (yes, I am bragging about this son ) No, for them it isn’t ideal, but it is halal and he did it for religion, he didn’t use his religion as a reason to do it (if you get that distinction).

    Do I feel like a mistress? No. I’m his wife. I have a wedding ring he had specially made for me, a solitaire he picked out because he knew I would like it (rather than the traditional gifts of his country)and a marriage certificate registered in two countries,his and the one we live in as well as the nikkah we did originally, . I have gone to social outings with the rest of his family and I am introduced next to her as his wife.

    I am not some hoochie mama that tried to lure in this brother. And he is not some lustful neanderthal who couldn’t be chaste without another woman. You know, I did really like him, and I really wanted a husband LIKE him because of his religion-he has a very good balance of faith and common sense. He has a little bit salafi, a little bit sufi and a whole lot of making the prophet his ideal. Not idol. Everything he does is informed by his faith. The reason I never considered him husband material was his age-he was just not even considered, not even on the table and then removed. He never made it there! But when he asked, I realized that I couldn’t say no. I had prayed about him-told Allah that from what I knew and understood about H., I wanted a husband just like him-only older and single. (Single was my preference and his age was ridiculously young to me, and he wasn’t LOOKING for a wife). When he asked me, how could I say no? It would be like looking a gift horse in the mouth. I still delayed my answer for hours thinking I should ask him something (interrogation of prospective husbands was something I was getting good at); but I knew the man that he was, I knew that he prayed more than he TALKED, I knew he fasted at least twice a week. I knew he was active in Dawah and that he is balanced and fair.

    Anyway, I did consider the first Mrs. H. I considered that she agreed to this before I had a clue he was going to ask me.

    My husbands other wife is the best Muslim woman I know. Her and my H. are a great couple. I hope that someday I make us a great triple

    No, it isn’t perfect. We are humans and have emotions and issues and problems. Which marriage is without those?
43. 
    ana
    May 21st, 2011 on 12:13 PM

    Nura, it’s always good to hear how you and your husband met and married. It is so inspiring, and gives us hope that polygamy can work in 2011, and does work.

    As you know, your story is unlike most of ours. It sounds Allah has given you a husband that truly wants to serve and worship Him (Allah) and has given him (your husband) a wife (you) that wants to serve and worship Him (Allah). It appears the two of you have singleness of purpose – a goal to worship and serve Allah and not serve each other. In wanting to serve Allah, the two of you will be the best husband and wife to each other.

    I love what you said that your husband tries to make the Prophet Muhammad his ideal, but not his IDOL. We must keep in mind, too, that Allah has commanded us not to differentiate between any of the prophets. They are all equal. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was simply the seal of the prophets – the last one to come. Many focus only on the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and ignore all others, especially many Arabs that think they are the chosen ones because the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was an Arab.

    The fact that you and your husband were God Conscious most likely is the reason the two of you were brought together and have not suffered too much trouble and strife. It appears Allah is disposing of your affairs towards comfort and ease. Just always put Allah first and you’ll stay in good shape

    Believe me; I’m trying to live my own advice. I just don’t have another half that shares my passion. He’s Muslim and practices, but lacks passion for Islam. It’s my trial/test I have to cope with. I’m grateful he’s good with the basics, is a good, loving attentive husband, and provides and maintain. I must focus on me and my own faith. I must focus on drawing nearer to Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
44. 
    ana
    May 21st, 2011 on 8:53 PM

    Kadija, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    You stated, “I don’t want to fall in love or at least not be too attached to my husband. That way if he ever were to ever fall for another woman, it would hurt less if I as not so madly in love with him.”

    The thing is, I wasn’t madly in love with my husband before he married another. I could pretty much care diddly squat about him. OK, perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration. I was concerned about him. But, when he married another, all the jealousy, envy, hatred, rancour, selfishness, and whatever else, came pouring out. Polygamy can bring out the worst in us. If you want to prep yourself for less hurt, you need to really begin focusing all your attention on Allah. You need to figure out what that means to you.

    First of all, it means accepting whatever He (Allah) has decided for you, which could be polygamy. We could talk all day and night about what we want and don’t want, what we like and don’t like. Do you believe that Allah has already determined your fate? If so, you have to be willing to go with what Allah has written and be happy with it. It’s yours Jihad and that of everyone that is a BELIEVER.

    We can think that we are securing our position all that we want. We think we set ourselves up not to be hurt, or prevent our husbands from leaving us and finding another, or becoming polygamous. It’s all just an illusion. Allah decides everything, so until we digest it, accept it and love it, we’re always going to be in for a rude awakening

    Do any of us think we can avoid the fate like that of any other that is in polygamy, if Allah has determined it for us? Most of us never, ever thought we’d ever find ourselves in this position.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
45. 
    Jenny
    May 21st, 2011 on 9:21 PM

    @ Ana,

    ASA my friend! I had to say I had one good chuckle with what you wrote to Khadija. The part I laughed as was “Allah determines our fate.” Ana, I couldn’t stop laughing because I applied it to me.

    In a million years I would have never imagined I would be in polygamy! Moreover, I would have never imagined being married to a Muslim and becoming one myself! I was engaged to an Orthodox rabbi, one that was learned to an extremely high degree and was respected. I was a good Jewish woman who had the most educated and influential friends. I wore wigs that cost me $3k each (all Orthodox women wear them). And it all ended the day I met my husband. I couldn’t get that man out of my system!! I called him “Itchy” because he was under my skin!

    Now, you want to hear something else funny? I still have my collection of $3,000 wigs. My husband teases me that he’s going to go into Boro Park and set up a little table and sell them for $800 a piece! I haven’t worn them in ages.

    My husband used to tell me when we first met that he “Was waiting for me.” I just think how different my entire life would have been if I decided to sleep in another hour that day. Or walked instead of getting a taxi. I usually walked, that was the funny thing! It was just ungodly hot that day, and that was when I met him. Amazing how Allah works! I stand as living proof that He does have a sense of humor!
46. 
    Nura
    May 22nd, 2011 on 9:02 AM

    Young khadijah,

    I agreed to marry my husband because I respected him so much and knew he would be a good leader in our home, teach me, care for me and be good to my family; He loves Allah and I figured that it would inform everything else he does (and it has). Allah gave us love for one another, it was nothing I wanted or controlled or asked for. I was happy to have a good man that I could honor and respect. I wish even now that I could love him a little less than I do. You might want to take vows and join a convent if you don’t want to love a man. If you marry a good one, you will love him because that is natural, and if he isn’t decent, you made a bigger mistake than if you had married one WORTH your love. How could you marry a man that is not worthy of your love? And how could you not love a good one that you are married to that IS worth your love?

    There is no Islamic requirement to marry. And most nations do not restrict adoption to married couples nowadays. If you truly don’t want those issues, adopt as a single mom. You will have a whole other set of issues, but loving your husband/polygamy won’t be two of them.

    My best to you, young sister. Remember, not all men are cads and even when they are cads, often times it is just out of cluelessness rather than malice or a lack of iman or love for their wife. As soon as we all know what we really want, we can blame men for not knowing what we want
47. 
    Mohummud Yaaseen
    May 23rd, 2011 on 6:57 AM

    AA sisters

    I don’t think it is natural for a women wanting to be married to two men at the same time. She might love another man besides her husband..

    However, it isn’t as common for women to have affairs as it is for men.

    About Ali (R.A) the Prophet (S) listened to the objection of Fatima (R.A) who said, “How can the daughter of the enemy of Allah, and the daughter of the messenger of Allah be united in the same house” The Prophet (S) also addressed Ali saying “Oh Ali I do not forbid you from doing that which Allah has made permissible for you..” Fatima, had no problem with polygamy.. In her last days she asked Ali to marry another wife since she could no longer be as a wife to him (in her grief after her father’s death). He didn’t marry another wife, but after her death married on several occasions, had several wives and mamluk. If memory serves me right, he had 27 children from 13 women.

    I agree that polygamy is usually practiced as an excuse to have an affair and in the interest of lower desires. It is not commonly done b/c the men care tremendously about the women and want to look after them. This doesn’t reflect negatively on polygamy, it reflects negatively on the men who practice it incorrectly.

    About marrying for love… I think one must give ones all in marriage and not hold out for the day he or she leaves you as that would be setting yourself up for that sort of scenario. God forbid, should I leave my wife, or she leave me, we won’t be able to say our marriage wasn’t good and that we didn’t give our all. That is what’s important, not how long it lasts. I’m specifically saying these things to Khadijah junior.

    About the Prophets, yes I missed Adam was not polygamous. The history of the Prophets from other sources besides the Qur’an does allude to the fact they were polygamous. If you read the bible, or hadith you’ll find out about that.

    I think what makes polygamy work, as in Nura’s case, is the willingness of all parties to accept the situation for what it is and the faith of all parties it not finding something permissible abhorrent.

    Polygamy can’t work with men and women whose ideals are monogamous and who are unable to accept a different situation. I think, polygamy is really only for the believers. People who disagree with Allah and His Prophet, are not really believers. If Islam was staunchly monogamous, as believers we would be compelled to believe their in and to uphold it. Further on, we would make every argument for why monogamy is the rule. That would have to be our stance. I’m sure we would have much preferred that, but it simply isn’t the case.
48. 
    Mohummud Yaaseen
    May 23rd, 2011 on 7:00 AM

    Why do most of the objections against polygamy come from women? It’s b/c they are monogamous. That’s the way I see it. Men are just diplomatic sometimes when it comes to polygamy b/c they don’t feel like fighting with their wives or girl friends. But I’m sure the majority of men would be in favor of polygamy. In fact, the majority of men are polygamous, whether it is serial polygamy, sleeping with one woman after the other, or in the form of affairs, or simply never getting married so the commitment of monogamy won’t be forced on them.
49. 
    khadija
    May 23rd, 2011 on 4:36 PM

    @ Brother Yasseen,

    NO, women are not against polygamy, because we are monogamous by nature. Women are against polygamy, because they are the ones hurt in the process and to be honest most men cannot practice it fairly. It can also be a threat to a woman who is afraid of being replaced in her husband’s affection. In a lot the cases, that is what happens (especially to the first wives).

    I don’t think men can ever understand why most women prefer not to be in polygamy or how much it can hurt a woman to share her husband. Also, to be fair, I don’t think women can understand it from a man’s perspective either. I just feel men need to be more considerate of their wives feelings, especially the first one and not neglect her, because they have a new love.
50. 
    Tahirah
    May 24th, 2011 on 1:05 PM

    Men should first perfect monogamy before entering into polygamy.
51. 
    khadija
    May 24th, 2011 on 4:49 PM

    @ Tahirah:

    Nothing can ever be perfect so if they have to perfect monogamy before entering polygamy, then they will never enter polygamy lol…

    However, there are some men who think that marrying another woman would solve problems in the first marriage when it will only make the relationship between him and his wife worse. Most men just enter polygamy because they are bored of their wife and fall in love with another woman after lusting after her. No matter how people try to sugarcoat it, that is what it is.
52. 
    Nura
    May 25th, 2011 on 11:15 AM

    khadijah,

    I respectfully disagree with you in that most men who enter polygamy are not necessarily bored of their wives. But I do agree that trying to solve marital problems by marrying a second is a pretty fruitless endeavor!

    I know 3 men specifically in reference to this issue, one is my husband, two are his friends. My husband never considered polygamy at all. He is not bored with his other wife, she is lovelier now than when they married (I saw the pictures, she is definitely improving with age), she is more educated, she had two children with him (keeping a lovely figure, btw). The only issue is that she is only here in the same country with him for half the year, in spite of his best efforts to keep her here (short of forcing her, which is not his style). So, he met me and was teaching me Arabic (Quran style, which is overkill for everyday Arabic, but he doesn’t see that). Anyway, he knew of my situation and I had begun divorce proceedings and had some language issues at the courthouse. He ended up helping me, and that threw us together. He discussed religion with me a lot as I am still learning (and inshaa allah, always will be) and so we got an idea of each others perspectives. He knew I wanted to marry so I could do haj. He also knew that I was in discussions with someone specifically, and that there were other interests. I knew he loved his wife and kids and he was much younger, therefore he was not on my radar. He knew of my situation and was worried about me. He considered the idea of marriage to me but was really not culturally comfortable with the idea, I wasn’t anything like he would have thought to marry, etc. etc. Plus, you know, I’m old. Over 9 years older than he.Pretty much past my prime in the worldly sense. He was not lusting after me. He finally decided that it was the right thing for him to do, and he knew that I wouldn’t marry him unless his wife would agree (I think he was half hoping that she would refuse because I am very complicated and $$$ coming from another part of the world, with a widowed mom and a minor son and two adult children). Well, as he was working up to asking his wife, she suggested he marry me. (If that doesn’t beat all, I don’t know what does). If there was anything inappropriate, it was that we met together to study (always publicly in in the open). We got to know each other pretty much as it related to our faith. Not a lot else, other than some of my issues with my kids and I would hear what his family was up to whether in their country or while they were here visiting. He did not touch me or speak inappropriately to me even one time before we were married. All very proper.

    The other man is in a marriage that is incompatible. He and wife are both nice separately, together, they are a mess. He wants a woman the opposite of her, only pretty (she is gorgeous, prettier than my co-wife, maybe). Someone who is smart but pretty much will live for him. Eww. Good luck. His wife doesn’t bore him, she exasperates him beyond belief. Those two are like sandpaper together. He wants a second wife and is looking for one. It will probably result in a divorce from his first.

    The third man wants to spread dawah, marry another woman and have lots of muslim babies. He adores his wife, she is amazing and kind and everything wonderful, gave him 4 beautiful kids. He wants more family, he wants a family here also (he works half time in states and half time here-with kids in school, they stay put). He wants someone young enough to still have kids, probably a revert, one who needs his help.Also willing to marry a born Muslim with kids who needs help. He wants to help as much as he wants a wife-he wants to help muslim children be raised properly as muslims. He loves his first wife and family, has a good marriage.

    I know there are a lot of examples of guys who do the wrong things or have the wrong motivations, but not all do. Even if you look on marriage sites, some of those people they just don’t want to be lonely and they are terribly lonely, whether they have a wife full time with them or not. Men want to connect and to be loved. Some just have lots of love to give. Some are dogs.

    I think we know from Jenny’s husband that some men will have an absolutely unsatisfactory marriage and stay married (happens in monogamy all the time, then they just cheat). Culture and respect will keep some muslims married when they have nothing else binding them (except children). Fear will keep others together (just like in monogamy), and there will be the guys who try to have their cake and eat it too, just because they can-not really considering Islam, just considering their desires.

    I have met a lot of second, 3d, 4th wives. We aren’t all a bunch of hotties luring men to their doom of polygamy. Truly. Not a single hottie among us that I can think of. Most marry because we should be married. We marry the person we do for a variety of reasons. I think Alex is an example of someone who is having his cake and eating it too. The one who had some relationship with and then married the maid-not sure what all happened there, but it was done in a way that seemed designed to wound his first wife. I think there are men that marry for the right reasons, and if it is to keep from cheating and going to hell, that is a pretty good reason to me. If the marriage itself is done in a sketchy manner,then they don’t get credit for avoiding hell IMO, since they are simply using the technicality of marriage to get what they want and using the later wife(wives) too do so. I don’t think polygamy is to be used as some divine loophole and men like yaaseen get that. And my husband, and both of his friends. Their reasons may not be good enough for you, but none want to be unrighteous towards any wife or wives, they don’t want to go against Islam or sunna.Other men do use it.

    Now what you need to do if you marry is know the character of your husband. Can you trust his practice of religion? Trust him? If a man is truly worthy from the beginning, he isn’t going to behave in a sketchy or dishonest way in the long run probably. But if you are marrying the cute guy who isn’t too religious,you can probably count on some polygamous drama of one sort or another eventually. Marry the man for his religion, then even if he takes a second, he will be SO conscientious of his religious obligation that he would not do anything that would hurt his wives (deliberately). That would not be sunna. If he lets his faith inform his life, it will workout in the end. If he lets his desires inform is religion, then you have trouble in River City.
53. 
    Mohummud Yaaseen
    May 25th, 2011 on 1:17 PM

    What I get from women often is the following. ( a summary of what I’ve been hearing)

    Men shouldn’t be polygamous at all. They are not capable, they don’t understand how they hurt us. They are inconsiderate fools. Polygamy should only exist in the history books and in the Qur’an but in practice it is totally impractical and bazaar.

    To hell with the believing woman who will never get married, they can wait for a husband in Heaven. I’m not sharing my man.

    Who cares about society, I just care about my home and my family. What happens out there shouldn’t be my husbands business.

    THAT IS SOME OF WHAT I’M HEARING AND WHY THE SPIRIT OF SELFLESSNESS AND COMMUNITY IS FADING AWAY THE WORLD ROUND. SOCIAL OBLIGATION AND THE LOVE FOR OUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS ARE LOST THROUGH THE UTTER HATRED AND JEALOUSY MUSLIM WOMEN HAVE TOWARDS EACH OTHER. Here’s what I want to say to the ladies here. Remember that even before sharing a husband you are first sisters in humanity and in Islam (in the even you’re both Muslim). It is first your obligation to be decent and kind towards each other and then your obligation to co-operate as co-wives.
54. 
    Outsider
    May 25th, 2011 on 2:24 PM

    Hello everyone

    I have been following this blog for quite some time now. I am not muslim, and not part of any other religion either, although I see myself as a believer. I hope i won’t offend anyone here by commenting, if that is the case I apologize to you.

    I came to this blog after having seen the show “big love” and found myself interested in polygamy. I have also followed some other blogs by polyamorous (non-religious) men and women because it fascinates me. There it is obvious that women too can love two or more men at once. However it is clear that no matter what gender the polygamous person has, their partner is often hurting from what they are doing…

    I also know of many men that are in unhappy monogamous relationships and still don’t cheat. Is it not possible that men and women are different, not only from each other but also from other people of the same gender?

    Anyway, I want to thank you all for sharing your lives here. I have learned so much from reading this blog and all the comments.
55. 
    ana
    May 25th, 2011 on 4:26 PM

    Outsider,

    Hello to you too! Welcome to polygamy 411, and for taking time to comment on your thoughts and beliefs about polygamy. I’m glad you found the blog and it’s been helpful to you.

    I used to watch the show, “Big Love” faithfully with my husband before he became polygamous. Perhaps it influenced him to a degree to marry another.

    I think there are many differences between women and women, men and men and women and men. There are no absolutes and no relationship that is problem free. It’s not how life on earth was meant to be. We are placed in situations of adversity and we suffer in order that we will learn humility – humble ourselves to our Creator. For some, they learn and others don’t.

    I think unless a person knows and understand the meaning of life and our purpose here on earth, he/she will live in a constant state of chaos and confusion.

    Don’t be an outsider. Drop in and comment whenever you can

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
56. 
    Outsider
    May 25th, 2011 on 5:47 PM

    Ana,

    Haha, I guess I am going to stop trying to get my man to watch it with me then…

    Jokes aside, I think I found my way here because I had a feeling creeping up on me that I need to better myself. I need a lot of space, even in my relationship. My husband on the other hand would like our life together to be one long embrace, constant physical contact. This was starting to get to me and was irritated with him a lot. Would I prefer to be in a polygamous relationship and get a few nights off? I don’t know how that would affect me, however that is not an option. My man is a one-woman guy and if he felt he needed someone else he would end it with me, even if he still loved me.

    You and your story has given me strtength to give him more of me, thank you
57. 
    yas
    July 10th, 2011 on 4:47 AM

    Assalamu allaikum All,

    I wanted to ask a question
    If a woman wanted to be a secret wife meaning knowing all the consaquences that go with it and also gives up some of her rights as a wife Is that alond in islam?
    But this wouldnt be long term.

    I need evidence with this pls.

    Really need some help.
58. 
    khadijah Z
    July 10th, 2011 on 8:51 AM

    @ yas … i believe the Saudis passed a fatwa or law in 1999 some thing similar to Mutah of a temporary marriage due to wanting only sex ….. how ever no man can change the laws of Allah … which Quran states temporary marriage MUTAH is forbidden and haram ok so do as you want but suffer the fate on the day…
59. 
    Jenny
    July 10th, 2011 on 9:56 AM

    @ Yas,

    What Khadijah is talking about is called mutah (I think I listed it correctly).

    My marriage had both of your questions in them. My husband and I publically married here (we had two weddings), so it was no secret. However, for a few years, the family in Pakistan did not know about me. I really didn’t care as we live here. I wasn’t a “secret”, he just didn’t tell the folks back in Pakistan about me until he was ready. They know now and they are ok. We never hid.

    Now Ms.P in Pakistan had waived all her rights in exchange for my husband not divorcing her. She gets zero time. This arrangement was in place before I ever met my husband.

    Our Imam, who has known my husband since he was a teenager, feels there is nothing wrong with the situation. He was the Imam who did our nikkah.

    Marriages are to be publically announced to be halal. I would discourage becoming secret because it hasn’t faired well for most of the women on this site.

    With my situation, my husband lived his life here, so I didn’t care about what went on in Pakistan. I don’t deal well with my limited exposure to polygamy. Everyone here knows about me and who I am. We had the big splashy wedding and the nikkah. We own a business together. When hubs said he needed time to tell the folks back in Pakistan, I went along with it because my husband is a very honorable man and it was not to commit a shirk, but not drop an overnight bomb on his children and mother.

    Be careful how you define “long term.” There are a lot of women that I’ve seen who were permanently stuck in that situation. You have to examine the motives why the man wants to keep you as a secret.
60. 
    khadijah Z
    July 10th, 2011 on 10:53 AM

    @ yas if your a secret wife you have no rights bcos there is no one knowing of the marriage to help protect you if some thing happens and it could be a variety of things to happen from his death to, his bad treatment of you, to another wife finding out and saying your a whore cos you have no proof and if you end up with children you need your proof to validate them as Muslims and not to be bastards
61. 
    ana
    July 10th, 2011 on 11:40 AM

    @yas, as Khadijah Z stated, many people come up with laws and rules that contradict what Allah says. It’s evident for example in the case of adultery in which people are being stoned for committing adultery when the punishment according to Quran is flogging and that is only after there have been four witnesses to it. http://polygamy411.com/2011/06/05/no-warning-no-mercy/#comment-16577

    Regarding a secret marriage, if you were to go with what a imam, scholar or anyone else says that endorse secret marriages, it is wrong. It was not the way of the prophet Muhammad (PBUH). It goes against what Allah tells us to do, with regard to conducting our affairs with mutual consultation, as well (pertaining to his other wife/wives). Allah speaks of mutual consultation in Quran Surah 42, Iyat 38. It would include polygamy.

    The question is why you would settle for being a secret wife with whore/mistress status? Why would your husband to be think so little of you to put you in that position? Instead of making it temporary,can’t you wait until he can wed you properly?

    Put yourself in the other wife’s shoes; I’m assuming there is one. Just because you are willing to give up your rights and suffer the consequences of being a secret wife, how about the rights of the other wife? She has a right to know that her husband is married to another woman. There is no need for him to ask her if he can marry another. He does NOT need her permission. She does, however, have a right to know that he intends to do it and has done it. It affects her life on every level. She has a right to have a discussion about it with her husband. She’s not her husband’s slave. We are only slaves of Allah. She can request a divorce if she doesn’t want to live polygamy or can’t.

    Put yourself in the other wife’s position and stop thinking only about you. If you were the first wife, how would you like your husband having a secret wife behind your back? Want for your sister what you want for yourself. You wouldn’t want it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
62. 
    yas
    July 10th, 2011 on 4:35 PM

    He doesn’t want to temporary marry He wants to marry that person for always.

    Giving up the wifes right for temporary is that alond in islam in polomgy
63. 
    yas
    July 10th, 2011 on 4:40 PM

    my ex husband did ask me when he went to have other wife.
    And i said reather him marry then to have someone out of marrage
64. 
    ana
    July 10th, 2011 on 5:32 PM

    A wife IS allowed to give up her rights in Islam. That is true. It doesn’t mean it’s ok to be a secret wife and the other wife not know about her. The entire purpose of a marriage being publicized is so that it closes the door to suspicion. It gives the wife a respectable position in Islam so she is not viewed as a mistress or whore.

    If she wants to relinquish her rights, fine and good. It doesn’t mean she has the right to take the rights of the first or other wives. She/they have a right to know about their husband’s marriage(s).

    The husband is still supposed to discuss the matter with his first wife/all his wives. Again, no one is saying he needs to ask. He simply must let her know and discuss it with her so she can be an informed partner in their marriage, and decide whether she wants to remain in the marriage.

    A wife can’t get away with saying it’s not her problem, if his wife/wives doesn’t know; it’s his, as he’s supposed to let her know. The secret wife is aiding and abetting the wrong. She is just as guilty as the husband.

    If he wants to marry permanently, she should publicize it and do it right, according to our way of life. We are not supposed to do things as the unbelievers do – keep mistresses/whores.

    He said she needs to be secret temporarily. Why? So, he could get some things in order? If so, let him get the things in order and then marry her.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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