Polygamy-My World
by ana on Aug.21, 2009, under hello world
To protect the true identity of the parties and to stay true to my life experiences, the names of the characters here (at polygamy 411) are fictitious; however, my situation, circumstances, and experiences are real.
I’m Anabellah. You could call me Ana. I have been in a polygamous marriage, referred to by many as polygyny, for over two years. My husband and I were married for four years and seven months before he took another “wife.”
My husband’s name is Alex. He “married” Carolinah (Carol) while married to me. I use “married” in quotations, simply because I wasn’t at Alex and Carolinah’s wedding ceremony. I didn’t speak with anyone that attended the ceremony, nor did I see any documentation of it. I have to accept Alex’s word that it occurred. Alex, Carolinah, and I live polygamy, which is lawful to me as a Muslim, for all intent and purposes.
I ask Allah’s forgiveness for anything that I may say or have said here at polygamy 411 that would unintentionally, or in any way mislead others. My intention here at polygamy 411 is to help others cope with a way of life (polygamy) that is good for me and at the same time I have found it extremely difficult.
I’d like to share with you here at polygamy 411 my journey and answer many of your questions, as honestly and quickly as possible. Insha Allah, you will share some of your feelings, thoughts, and experiences with me and others, as well.
I want to remember that Allah made it lawful for a man to have more than one wife in Islam. So, please keep in mind polygamy 411 is not a polygamy bashing blog. I don’t want to make unlawful that which Allah has made lawful. This has been part of my struggle, as I battle with the Truth and my personal desires.
At polygamy 411, I do not, cannot, and will not tell anyone how to practice polygamy, nor will I give advice on whether it is right for you. I can only share with you what I have experienced, learned about myself, and learned from others.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Leave a Reply
-
As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
July 10th, 2009 on 5:28 AM
Asalamu alaikum dear sister,
As I write, I can feel the tears threatening to explode into my eyes. I am trying to be strong, smiling to my co-workers and looking happy; but inside, by Allah, I have never ever experienced in my life, such turmoil.
I am a second wife, in a polygamous marriage, only a little over a month married.
My parents refused that I should marry him, but I still went ahead, non of them are speaking to me at this moment. Despite this, I know deep in my heart that I made the right choice.
But I never ever envisaged the trials of being in a polygamous marriage. Don’t get me wrong, my sister co-wife and I are so civil to each other, we can sit for hours talking about Allah and Islam and how insignificant this life is and how we must strive for the akeerah, yet, polygamy in itself is a trial, especially when it is the turn of the other wife; the deep feelings of loneliness, despair, emptiness…by Allah I don’t know if I’ll survive this marriage (and it’s my second marriage, my first husband left islam).
Is there hope?
I have the rest of my life to be in this marriage and I have already started to die.
May Allah reward you sister Ana for this amazing website which makes people like me know that we are not alone.
Jazklh.
July 10th, 2009 on 12:33 PM
Fatima, you said, (among other things):
“we can sit for hours talking about Allah and Islam and how insignificant this life is”
You mean, the life that God created, is insignificant? I’m sure you feel and think much more than that, but I was struck by your comment, and found the comment itself signficant.
July 10th, 2009 on 12:38 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Sister Fatima,
First I need you to know there is hope for you and your marriage, unquestionably. It might not seem that way now, but you will see. I know too well the pain and turmoil that you are experiencing in your polygamous marriage. It is something people could only imagine, but would never, ever, truly know unless they actually lived it. Living it, for many, is the far worst extreme of imagining it. Crying is good to help you get through it. In fact, I don’t think anyone needs to tell you to cry; I’m sure the tears flow freely and often.
Like you said, the trials in polygamous marriages are many; many of them we never considered before we engaged in polygamy. How could we consider what we don’t know, especially, if we don’t know anyone personally who has lived it or are living it, and talk about it. Not knowing anyone in a polygamous marriage or knowing someone who lived/live it, but don’t talk about it, makes us feel that much more alienated.
I know it is not easy for you not to have your parents’ support, either. But like you said, you know in your heart you made the right choice. Having a good rapport with your sister co-wife is very good from what I understand. That is a part of polygamy that I don’t have firsthand knowledge of. But, I know it is good to be nice and kind-although I fall short of that with regard my husband’s other wife.
When you say you feel like you have already started to die, I felt like I was dying in my polygamous marriage as well. I think it’s like dying a spiritual death (some persons have said that as well, on this site). You’re leaving a life of monogamy that you’ve always known, and moving to a new way of life-polygamy. You are traveling a tough road. Although you cannot foresee it now, the journey eventually gets much, much, easier. The most important thing that kept me focused on living was remembrance of Allah. As He say’s with hardship comes ease and that is Truth-many on this site keep reminding us of that. We must remind each other.
I agree with you, the most difficult part of living polygamy is to know our husbands are intimate with other women-that’s the part that hurts, terribly agonizes the most. There reaches a time when the pain subsides (The pain hasn’t left me totally yet but, by far, the pain has eased.) It’s seems as though relief takes a long while in coming, but it does come, almost suddenly.
We are all here for you Fatimah.
May Allah ease your pain and sorrow and bring you much happiness in your marriage. You have friends here. Feel free to visit and comment often.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
June 16th, 2010 on 3:06 AM
Asalama Aliekum Ana and to all the other great blogers.
I have been following this blog myself and find it amazing that people are living such a lifestyle. Mashallah .
For some time now I have a deep desire to seek another wife and start a family not for the sake of lust or to be with another woman but to live and experience the goodness a family has to offer.
To be surrounded by a loving family and to increase it would be the best thing in this dunya.
I have one great family of 2 children and love my wife very much and how amazing would it be to multiple by that by 2 let alone 4. I understand that’s a very naive statement. And fore sure 4 wives would be a mammoth of a task.
My desire is to marry a single mother with young children, to be the father that they never would have and a husband to a woman that deserves a happy family.
I dream these thoughts frequently but after reading the stories on most of the posts, maybe such ideas should be left a dream. For in reality it is the very opposite.
June 16th, 2010 on 1:39 PM
I think your dreams seem very noble Zahid. They also seem to be in the true spirit of polygamy. Have you shared this dream with your wife? How does she feel about it? You speak very highly of her and your children. I wonder how she feel about you helping a fellow muslimah, a single woman with young children, in need. Open two-way communication is key. Good luck to you and your wife as you decide whether this dream will become a reality!
June 16th, 2010 on 2:18 PM
Wa Alaikum As Salaam Zahid! I totally agree with Susanila; “I think your dreams seem very noble.” I think they are obtainable too. Based on what you’ve said, you seek to engage in polygamy or would like to do so in accordance with the true Islam. You want to follow the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). How much more noble is that?
Please do as Susanila suggested; open two-way communications with your wife. Be patient and understanding with her. Seek guidance from Allah SWT and if polygamy is good for you and your family, I pray Allah SWT rewards you with it. Thanks for joining us and becoming a part of our family here at polygamy 411, Zahid
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
June 17th, 2010 on 12:27 AM
Asalama Aliekum Ana and Susanila.
Some time ago I had actually gone down the route of seeking another wife and it went completely pear shaped. When I informed my wife she as expected went into severe depression and our relationship was going to end as she wanted a divorce if I ever thought of marrying another woman for any reason.
The other woman at that time was not single mother with children but just single.
After a month of my naieve plans I decided not to go any further as I wanted peace in everyone life.
End result: I broke my wifes heart, broke the heart of the woman that I still love. And most importantly truly believe that now ALLAH hates me.
I thought time would heal us all, and for sure much time has passed, and it seems everyone that was hurt is back on track except me.
I sit here at my desk as at work with tears rolling down me face not understanding what is wrong with me and why i cry every day.
I am convinced its the Sins my two hands have earned have resulted in this never ending punishment. I have blamed everyone but I know with out a doubt that the only one to blame is myself.
I even tried to blame Allah and Islam but believe without a doubt that I am the one who is wrong.
But i ask ALLAH that why he made me like this. WHY!!! I swear i did not want this .
If there was a pill to take to cure this evilness inside of me, i swear iwould take it.
I would rip my heart out so that I never love anyone or have to be human any more.
I hate these feelings and do not know what to do anymore.
I have consider suicide but thats just nuts.
I think that the devil has one and my religion is slipping like sand in my hands.
I remember when I turned to Allah in my teens, practicing with such conviction and he guided me and blessed me and gave the taste of true imaan ….and now 11 years into my journey I am finally a dead man walking.
June 17th, 2010 on 1:32 AM
I pray and practice Islam to the best of my capabilities. I reverted from being a non practicing Muslim to one that does.
I do not doubt Islam or ALLAH but I don’t understand why this happened. I am sure there are many lessons to learn from it and trust me I have.
How silly we humans are believing in such fantasies when i reality the devil runs in our blood.
It is not fair … i know deep down inside Allah is 100% fair and when i do finally meet him i will have nothing to say except my sins.
So where do I go from here….
well i continue being a father a husband a son a man a human. My heart aches all the time. Its crazy its a constant pain even. Have even tried Pain killers but that was turning me into a druggy!
Oh how I have tasted my punishment. I deserve every ounce of it.
I have come to some conclusions.
1. My wife should divorce me for the pain and suffering that I caused her even though i never went ahead.
2. I do not want to live the life of a liar. I lied so much that i am sick of my own-self.
3. Continue with each day and hope that one day these thoughts, feelings , emotions , memories cease to exist for ever.
What can i do … i know the out come was for the best, as that is what Allah decreed.
But what does one do with their heart?
My wife does not understand that I had asked another woman for her hand in marriage, not for a date. She thinks I am crazy or was crazy and was not in my senses.
It was not a girlfriend that I seeked or some female to get in bed with . I wanted to honor her and marry her as my Wife . I loved / love her. We even choose names for our children we would have. I wanted her to be part of my family and to love her forver.
I wanted to take care of her…protect her and be her husband…as Allah intended all men to be with their wives.
She was not all the bad things my wife said about her… she was a good person but not perfect.
But the opposite happened.
Fantastic !
When will my punishment end ??? WHEN!!!
So that is my story nothing special just another man screwing this world up even more.
For those that are even considering going down this route …mate I can tell you its going to be the worst decision of your life.
You will be in so much pain…. for sure the start will be paradise, all lovely , birds chirping and all that stuff. But the end will be destruction.
The question that loomed in my head was:
“how can I destroy my first family to start a second family”
So if marrying a second wife will destroy my first wife, then what the hell am i doing?
so +1 + -1 = 0 was the maths that i came to understand.
The other thing/lesson that I learn’t is about myself. I never ever dreamed of marrying more than 1 wife. I was happy with 1 wife and the children we have. But along came this event which has almost resulted in me discovering a new part of myself. My desire / want to marry another woman and have a second family.
Again I am not running from what I already have and to be dead honest my family is perfect. My wife is perfect she is ALWAYS right (well 99% of the time
).
It is so hard to explain these desires. But I swear it is not to do with lust and fulfillment of the nafs. But to have the opportunity to be a husband to a woman. I believe in eternity and I want my wife to be my eternal partner.
What is more valuable on this planet than the human. Everything else is a temporary creation while the human is forever. So i seek a female human to be with forever.
These are my explanations for my desire. I swear it is not the desire of sex for that is so short lived that the one who marries for that alone is truely doomed.
Analisa you say to have open communication..i agree but I do not have the strength to articulate my words to my wife. She is an amazing person dont get me wrong, with a heart like all the women who have faced/endured polygamy.
But she refuses to listen or understand it. She says Polygamy was for the olden time, women of war etc . She has arguments and wants nothing to do with such ideas.
She is not sure why I desired another wife..even when i tried to explain she believes I was crazy.
June 23rd, 2011 on 9:05 AM
ZAHID:
By the way your first wife is behaving, she seems to be a deceived Christian not a Muslim woman. She does not believe your religion despite having probably live in your Muslim Society…she might do the outward acts of performing the rituals….but deep in her heart she would not obey the Koran, by preventing you to add another wife…she wants you all for herself; if all Muslim women behave like she does preventing their husband to add …then excess women would result in your societies like in our so called “Christian” societies…these would create millions of women who will be ready to grab by force the husband of other women..creating trouble.
I know though you are a sinner…yet you want to live a righteous life…and you love your first wife and family…that is what matters in the Eyes of God…
What do you do? Well tell your problems to your religious leaders and to old women of your faith who could advise your first wife with regards to her opposition which is selfishness, disbelief & distrust on her part… Ana said on her stories on secret wive: do not fear your wife… I believe you donot fear her…but what you fear is destroying your first family to start a 2nd…or as you said 1+1=0…..which is in businessmen lingo a lossing venture.
If I was a woman who is confident of myself and who trust my husband, i would be glad that he would add another helpmate for me who can also help me care for one big happy family. If i get sick the 2nd wife could also help in caring for me…probably if your first wife knows and become close friend with the girl you are contemplating in adding…i believe she would soften up.
Especially if the three of you together with your children enjoy things together…and if it becomes clear to your first wife that she should have ranked no#1 and will have command over no,#2, i believe she would soften up.
Pray to God and Live your dream!Thanks to Ana for allowing a stranger like me to comment here and as well to make polygamy more transparent to the public. For polygamy was never a crime!
June 23rd, 2011 on 9:23 AM
To Ana and all Women who know that polygamy was & will never be a sin against God….press on…in believing….in teaching the young women who should behave and think and support their polygamous husband!
Muslim men who treat their first wife badly are a shame to their religion…may they wake up…if only they experience what we Christian experience in our Christian societies these Muslim men would VALUE the privileges that was given to them by your Patriarchal Societies.
Living in societies whose morals do not conform to the Koran or the Bible especially …especially when the God designed family and marriages are being tampered with like in my Christian Societies, would create all kinds of sorrows and troubles more harder and deeper and FATAL than those being experienced by Ana and other Muslim women in their polygamous societies.
So to Ana and all women…like the Holy Women of old I pray and applaud you!
June 23rd, 2011 on 9:56 AM
Zahid & all:
You said you are a dead man walking….i could sympathize with you…here is my story…
As i am writing this i want to know that tears are falling from my eyes. You see i am a married man to a woman…just natural and normal one…
My wife and her sister put a beautiful flower in my house…i was told not to touch, it is not lawful for us here…i help in caring-watering and feeding that flower…so she grew and grew in my household until she became a very beautiful flower..enticing to my eyes..enchanting me…and every night her fragrance filled my dreams and my night with longing…and at last being a normal man full of virility…i smelled her and touched her a bit…the flower smiled at me…we would look at each other longing…then it was discovered. The flower was transferred far away from me… i longed for her…like a crazy dog i was…searching for her face in every jeep that would pass…even stopping to go down from public transport anytime i saw someone who i mistook to be her…oh i longed for her…then when we met…i committed some blunder in my approach…she hated me …unable to withstand the pressures from families and the society she hated me to my guts…and me …lonesome me now walks like a dead man…
“So here i am this morning where love have asked for the dance…here within this terminal where i passed on the chance…Lord, i never find her though i’ve truly tried…probably she found another bus to ride…i am now about to begin the last of my days, i’m within what other would call a terminal phase…-Rupert Homes song Terminal-
Probably if i have enough money, i would go to her and fight for my right…though all men would prevent me……but as of now I missed her! I tried to have three girlfriends but she is still in my mind…especially since I knew her well and she was youthful…me, i’m growing a bit older each day…
There is a sayng here in our place “If even just a dog that you grew fond of, will be miss when it’s gone, what more a woman!”
June 24th, 2011 on 1:54 PM
TIUCHE initially posted over at “What’s Is It Like to Be a Second Wife?” http://polygamy411.com/2010/07/23/what-is-it-like-to-be-a-second-wife/#comment-15417 The post was closed due to an overwhelming number of comments. I’ve attached a link above for those who would like to refresh their minds as to what TIUCH previously stated.
This is an open house. No need to knock. just come on in.
June 24th, 2011 on 1:57 PM
TIUCHE, what you shared above, (I think it would be considered “prose” ) was very beautiful
It touched my heart.
God gave many men the desire for more than one woman. It is a sin on those that make unlawful the lawful means God has permitted (polygamy) for men to satisfying their need to marry more than one woman.
I definitely feel you, TIUCH! It would be nice if some of our Christian blog family here would input what their thoughts or views are with regard what you have said.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 28th, 2011 on 9:41 AM
I am in total understanding about your suspicions about alex’s marriage. Its not uncommon for such deception to go on in relationships. I was going to be a soldier in the u.s. military but that didn’t turn out they way id wanted… during my pre enlistment I had convinced my gf she should join too, due to all the benefits they offer and the military provides a certain amount of direction the youth don’t have. For descriptive purposes I am working on my 23rd birth day. I am on your blog because I believe that polygamy is the way to go for me my gf, and I would like to get an idea of what tribulation we will face on this path… I know it will be hard. For me and for her, we have talked about it several times before she joined but it wasn’t until she had spent a long enough time away that she started to feel the need for someone to be there. In short I want our relationship to last and I think the best way to do that is through honesty and commitment but how long can you spend with someone else before you lose interest in the one thousands of miles away? Ill continue reading your blogs they interest me and I wish you the best Ana.
September 28th, 2011 on 9:05 PM
Archae,
Welcome to polygamy 411. I’m really glad you’ve found us, and am thankful you’ve commented. It was very nice of you
I hope the blog continues to be of help to you and your girlfriend and I wish the two of you all of the best.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 28th, 2011 on 10:12 PM
TY for your welcome Ana, I apologize though; I realized that what I was truly looking for in my current scenario is “Polyamory” also known as “Poly-Fidelity” but surely I will find a lot to learn about these relationships from others in religiously sanctioned marriages. It’s not the same, but I’m sure a lot of experiences would be shared or similar.
I know little about Islam, however I have always wanted to learn about it, I am admittedly an ex-christian now atheist under the common flag of an agnostic… mainly because I feel religion causes too much unnecessary tension.
I will keep reading I’m getting a crash course on cultures just by reading here, I like it. ^_^
However if anyone has some links for me regarding Islam or polygamy I would be happy to visit them.
I will keep reading here whenever I get spare time.
September 28th, 2011 on 10:24 PM
Archae, no problem!
I’ve received an education from you. I now know what “polyamory” is.
“Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and free consent of everyone involved.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory”
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 29th, 2011 on 2:34 AM
I am on chapter 3 of your journal, truly heart wrenching. I would like to leave comments but it seems I can’t in some of the chapters.
:/ Probably user error on my part Xp
Honestly though I would have forsaken any god to get out of a relationship with someone like alex.
Though you may have been made into the person you are today who is no doubt much stronger than you were before polygamy, I would be inclined to think given the right circumstances in life anyone can change for the better. With or without godly restraints or the occurrences that come with them.
September 29th, 2011 on 5:35 AM
Archae,
I closed the comments to my journey because the timeline confused many. Some commented about my journey as though it all happened just yesterday when in fact he will be married to her for 5 years in December 2011.
You are absolutely correct that what I went through has made me the person I am today. I see I have become better in so many ways. I still have an awfully long ways to go to be the ultimate person I truly want to be, but it’s all a life journey.
Alex has totally changed and matured over the years since he has been polygamous and our marriage has improved about 90%. He, too, knew nothing much about polygamy when he embarked upon it. He never did a terrible job at it. Mostly we had schedule problems and he was insensitive to a degree at times. With the schedule, he let his other wife try to rule. It was partly my fault because initially I refused to take an active part in helping to make the schedule. I refused to have anything to do with it, as I couldn’t handle marriage on a scheduled. Once I was able to function again, I realized the schedule was being manipulated and I began to take an active role to assure the schedule was just and fair. It is now under control.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
September 30th, 2011 on 4:41 AM
I know my opinion here is surely becoming abrasive but if you ask me you were right in telling him where to shove that schedule… : /
It was his decision to have this second wife
(btw did he marry her in U.S.? Because that would be impossible and would explain why there’s no proof of it.)
and if he was unable to equally and unbiasedly partition out his time perhaps he shouldn’t have married at all. He still leaves it up to you and her?
I am currently servicing the desires of my gf and her interests in other women. She was previously only curious about these things but I have walked with her step by step to show her the roads pursuing such may take her on and now we may even be pursuing a manage trois when she gets back on leave this upcoming week. This could easily get out of hand with all the factors that can and will in all likely-hood come into play. Though I will make this statement surely, I am doing this for her, not for my desires. To prove such to her I will be faithful thru-out the encounter and focus near to all of my attentions on her providing of course she gives me any true go ahead, however, even still; I am hers.
^– TMI more than like.
I mention this though because I have seen marriages that fail all too often, I think the idea of polygamy is good in that it can bring new light to the original marriage and maybe even light flames that previously would never have been lit. I saw glimpses of this in your turmoil in chapter two I believe. I like that Islam embraces polygamy but I dislike how women seem to be perceived as worth less than men… If the religion embraced group marriage I would probably find myself totally on board with Islam. I find myself drawn toward a lot of Muslim beliefs and even if I have troubles believing in a god I can get along with the lessons that can be learned from the literacy I have found on Islam.
Surely though for all that I am; I will be roasting in hell and I will deserve it, without a doubt, for I questioned and did as I felt was right.