Do more Wives equal less Adultery & Prostitution?

by Ana on Nov.19, 2009, under polygamy in the media

Malasysia RAWANG, Nov 14 — Don’t marry young virgin girls; marry single mothers or widows instead. This was a suggestion made recently by a Kelantan state official to would-be polygamists.

But the idea drew flak from some critics, who said instead that more efforts should be made to reduce divorce rates and assist single mothers.

The issue of polygamy is being hotly debated now, with the controversial Kelantan official’s suggestion and the emergence of a Polygamy Club founded in August by the wife of a polygamist.

Hatijah Aam, 55, said she started the club with the aim of curbing social ills such as prostitution and adultery. It has 300 members.

“After sharing the same man for 30 years, we are like sisters,” Hatijah told The Straits Times. Sitting beside her, Noraziah Ibrahim, 52, the younger wife of Hatijah’s husband, smiled.

Noraziah met Hatijah’s husband after her own partner had died.

“She had children to feed. Can you imagine? She needed help,” said Hatijah.

The two are married to 72-year-old Ashaari Muhammad, patriarch of a clan spawned from five marriages — he has since divorced one wife, while another died in a car accident while on a pilgrimage to the holy city of Mecca in 2003.

Of his 38 children, 19 sons and four daughters are also polygamists. Ashaari has 200 grandchildren and 12 great-grandchildren.

“Some people think polygamy is bad, but it is actually a beautiful thing,” said Hatijah.

Most Malaysians remember Ashaari as having led a deviant Islamic sect that was banned in 1994 because of his claims that he was able to absolve sins, and that an Islamic messiah from the east would appear ahead of a prophesied doomsday.

Ashaari suffered a stroke in 2003, and is now unable to speak. His third wife was not present at the interview as she was tending to him.

The family’s story is just one example of polygamous marriages in Malaysia.

Muslim men are allowed up to four wives under Islamic law. Critics say the practice is cruel and has been distorted from its original purpose.

The practice was prevalent during Prophet Muhammad’s era to provide for the many widows and orphans, as a consequence of men dying in frequent wars.

Activists say most modern polygamists in Malaysia marry younger women and neglect their first wives.

While Hatijah’s family seems to be living harmoniously, rights groups argue that most polygamous families suffer abuse and jealousy.

Sisters in Islam (SIS), a non-governmental organisation which upholds the rights of Muslim women and campaigns against the practice, says polygamy is not a solution to prostitution.

“Marriage — whether polygamous or not — cannot be a cure-all for an issue as complex as sex work,” SIS programme manager Masjaliza Hamzah told The Straits Times.

“Society should stop seeing marriage as the one-stop answer to the issues and concerns faced not only by women sex workers, but also single mothers, widows and older women.”

She quoted verses from the Quran which discourage polygamy, and pointed out that although Prophet Muhammad practised it, he did not allow his son-in-law to marry another woman unless he divorced the Prophet’s daughter.

Only 2.8 per cent of Muslim marriages here are polygamous.

Different states also have varying criteria for would-be polygamists.

Kuala Lumpur requires a written consent or views from existing wives. In Perak, a man’s promise to treat wives fairly is sufficient.

Hanafiah Hamzah, a 53-year-old television cameraman, said strangers look down on him for having more than one wife. “Society looks down on polygamists. People always think it is for the sex,” he told The Straits Times.

Hanafiah married his first wife, who is now 47, two decades ago. Seven years later, he married his second wife, now 36.

While both wives are cordial to each other, he admits it is not easy.

“You cannot be fair to both of them. If a wife or a child is sick, who do you go to?

“If my friends say they want to be polygamous, I always tell them, you better not. My first wife never used to complain, but now she gets frustrated easily. It is my mistake,” he said.

Masjaliza said there is some stigma attached to the practice: “People don’t wear it like a badge of honour. There is a level of discomfort. Maybe people are ashamed.”

Indeed, while some top leaders in the ruling Umno and the opposition PAS have more than one wife, most of them attend official functions accompanied by only one wife.

But this is not deterring Hatijah, who is branching out Polygamy Club to Indonesia.

The government has warned that the club could be a ploy.

The family has been ‘trying very hard to deceive the public’ into reviving the banned religious cult through religious, business and social activities, Wan Mohamad Sheikh Abdul Aziz, director-general of the Department of Islamic Development Malaysia, told the New Straits Times. — Straits Times

Credit for the above info: The Malaysian Insider, Thursday, November 19, 2009

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21 comments for this entry:

Amina
November 20th, 2009 on 8:36 am
Salaam sis
thanks for sharing. That is really interesting, and sad in some points.I have never heard of this polygamy club.
Ana
November 20th, 2009 on 12:59 pm
Amina,Wa Alaikum As Salaam Sister!

Welcome to polygamy411.com. I’m glad you’ve joined us and found the article interesting. I don’t know whether you’ve read the other three articles about the polygamy club that are on this site; if not, you could put the words polygamy club in the search box on this page, and access the other three articles as well.

Please feel free to visit and comment anytime. We enjoy having you here.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Chatelaine
November 22nd, 2009 on 10:35 pm
There is no evidence in the medical literature that polygyny reduces the incidence of extramarital affairs.
In the Journal of Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome,
it was reported that 44% of polygynous married males in Nigeria had sexual contact with someone other than one of their wives in the month prior to an anonymous survey.
The plural wives of these men also had a similar percentage of extramarital relationships with men other than their husbands.
Ana
November 22nd, 2009 on 11:01 pm
Chatelaine, thank you much for the stats and information. I could see how polygyny would not reduce the incidences of extramarital affairs. There are quite a few men that engage in polygamy who are lacking in spirituality, don’t fear God, and engage in polygamy for all the wrong reasons. I definitely could see how women would have extramarital affairs, as well. Some probably give out payback sex to get even with their husbands. They feel if a husband can go out there and do it, why not do it as well.

I’ve spoken with Alex a number of times about that out of concern for my own health and wellbeing, based on what I know of Carolinah. I question her morality based on what Alex has told me and what she has told me, as well. I know you’re probably thinking I should question his morality, as well.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Chatelaine
November 23rd, 2009 on 9:15 pm
Ana,
Thank you for your honest and forthright blog. You are a genuinely spiritual person, and I admire that.
I have some medical studies on polygyny and the effects of polygyny on first wives. May I post some of them, or links to these articles, for your review ? I will only do so with your permission. God Bless,
Chatelaine
Ana
November 23rd, 2009 on 11:53 pm
Chatelaine,

I’m very appreciative that you have joined us, have commented, and are willing to share information. This is polygamy411, so it would be perfectly fine and quite generous of you to share the medical studies with all of us. Thank you much for caring and sharing.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
November 24th, 2009 on 1:15 pm
Chatelaine,

I posted the infomation that you provided, regarding the medical study of polygyny on women and children.

I would gladly post more should you elect to send them. Thank you much!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Shahin
December 15th, 2009 on 4:38 pm
I was reading few articles and I found quite interesting. I realized that women fail to understand men. Every man has strong desire for women. They feel women as their food. somehow it is truth women taste good except their big mouth. The truth is the matter that only Islam legislated men on marriage. It is historical fact powerful men want to have more than 100 women and weak men go to prostitute or masturbate or sex with animals or sex with boys or commit rape. thats why it is very important to teach men about God.
Ana
December 15th, 2009 on 6:03 pm
Shahin, welcome to polygamy 411 and thank you for your comment. It is an interesting one in deed.
Judith
December 15th, 2009 on 6:20 pm
Shahin:
Your comment, “women fail to understand men” is probably true. What is your view of men’s understanding of women? Thank you.
Omar Zaid, M.D.
December 15th, 2009 on 8:28 pm
Salaam To All,

Regarding Man’s Understanding of Women:

Generally speaking, men do not understand women at all. The greatest difficulty is that both sexes seem to think they should view the world in the same manner and just agree on the same priorities. But this is simply not the case.

Men and women think, feel, cognate differently and do not have similar priorities at all except for basic human needs required for survival.

Women are monogomous by nature and this is placed in them as an instinct by Allah in order to assure the continuum-of or return-to the divine Patriarchal Order for the sake of the community’s peace and security.

Men are polygamous by nature and for the very same purpose. Women expect men to love them in the same way they love, but this is impossible for men to do as they do not have this singular sense of loyalty to one spouse. Which is why they shake their heads in dispassionate perplexity at a woman’s jealous rage. If a man is jealous, it is only because his lordship has been abandoned or challenged. If a woman is jealous, it is because she fears replacement and desolation.

Just as a woman loves her children, and each one because they are hers and each one for differing reasons, so also a man may love his wives and without any feeling of compromise at all.

However, men often fail to address each woman’s concerns for her well being and that of her children. She requires to be recognized fro her unique contributions to both him and the community. Her well being is dependent upon his recognition of her importance to him and the reasons he married her, which far outweigh any sexual purpose, as sex is instintive and basic until elevated to worship (which is why Marriage is called a Mosque — more on that later).

It is the gifts she brings to him as a companion and helper on his road to attain the practice of moral imperatives in Islam that concern her as to why he chose her. If simply for sex, she will feel used, but if he recognizes her contributions to his mental physical and spiritual welfare as well as reputation in the community, she will respond enthusiatically in all manner of ways and tolerate his weaknesses all the more as he approaches the maturation of manhood.

Without the woman, who indeed does the man govern or lead? This is his singular most important trial of manhood, which most fail to address.

More on this later

wasalaam,

dr omar
Ana
December 15th, 2009 on 11:37 pm
Salaam Dr. Omar,

I’m learning so much here from you. You’re a wealth of information and it all is not only very, very interesting, but so very refreshing, as well. I thank you so much for devoting so much time and energy to helping all of us understand male/female interaction so much better. The knowledge that you have been sharing with us I’m sure is helping to alleviate some of the unnecessary pain and suffering that many of us have been experiencing. I think I can speak for many here; I hope.

If I’m not disturbing your sequence of writing, I was wondering if you would shed some light on the favorite wife concept. You indicated a husband could love his wives for differing reasons, but isn’t one usually a favorite? And if a man loves one more, why does he bother to have others that he sometimes neglect and the other wives always know which one is the favorite?
Omar Zaid, M.D.
December 16th, 2009 on 2:50 am
Salaam Dear Ana,

A wife neglected is not a wife. She is a chattel and most likely a burden to the neglectful husband. It is better they divorce peacefully.

As for the favorite: Yes this is true. Just as a mother will have a favorite child, a man will also have a favorite wife, and it is for this reason the koran says it is impossible for any man to treat them equally. Equality here has nothing to do with material justice and everything to do with passion. Now … is this cause for jealousy? It shouldn’t be but it is unless the less favoured (passionately loved wife) accepts the situation and her “less loved” status. “Whoa”, many women might say “and why should I do that?” well. my response is: “What choice do you have; especially if you love the man?”

Think of it like this. Suppose you’re the eldest wife and you come to an age (mentioned by the prophet) when you are no longer physically desireable but your man is still virile and even handsome (a real silver fox)? Now … are you willing to deny truth and hold him hostage to your faded charms? Or are you honest enough to accept God’s dispensations and graciously help him in the choice of another more passionately desireable wife (usually younger, but not always)?

Most women women refuse to give in to reality and keep up the pretense and hold him hostage. This is a form of self-idolatry and dishonesty. The prophet said then when a man’s wife comes to that “age” he should “divorce her but keep her in his household and treat her with kindness.” Well, if he’s commanded to treat her with kindness, but no longer desires her for sex, shoudln’t she also treat him with kindness as well as protect him from zina by accepting the reality and also accepting another wife? Hmmmm ….

Now … to take this a step further. Not all men have similar sex drives. Ambitious and successful men–criminal or not–usually have very high sex drives and stay that way until well into old age. Some men, have lower testsoterone levels, and hence, lower sex drives which also decline with age. That’s why the romantic image of an old couple sitting on the porch holding hands appeals to most women, but most men can take or leave it, especially leave it if they’re ambitious and can also sit with an attractive woman.

This is not to say that a “good” man would simply ignore her or forget her contributions to his success or lose his love or affection for her. No … Not at all. However, most women, when confronted with this situation, would force him to ignore her because of her self-centered attitude.

Now then, considering Jannah’s restoration of youth and beauty, isn’t it reasonable for such a lady to be patient and endure the trial and wait for the reward? Sure it is; especially when we know the present life will seem but a “few hours” when confronted to eternity.

Getting back to the less favored wife. She is in a similar position, inasmuch as the man will have greater desire for another wife. Nevertheless, this does not mean the man doesn’t desire or love her. Sure he does. Why else woiuld he keep her? did he marry her out of pity? Out of respect? Out of need?

Hmmm …. what are the reasons for marriage then? #1 is Piety … #2 is social status … #3 is money … #4 is beauty …. Hmmmmm now think about this very carefully and it will re-arrange your priorities and your Islam as a woman and Human Being.

If these are reasons for marriage, who then is the best wife? => The one with all four reasons of course, someone like Khadijah. How many of you out there have all four? This should well be a lesson then in humility, and I hope that it works in that fashion for the readers.

Now, should a man marry one for beauty, and another for piety, yet prefer the bed-company of the former to the latter… Should the Pious one be jealous enough to rant and rave and run off at the mouth and then force the man to abandon her? Of course not, and were she to do so, she would not be considered pious. Therefore, jealousy is not a pious quality and should be completely disgarded from the larders of feminine wisdom. It is merely the nafs rising up to allow Satan to tempt the woman to destroy what Allah has provided for her benefit.

So … stop “feeling” sorry for yourselves and start thinking. Establish your identity, understand your position and gifts, and just get on with life and stop wasting time and oppotunity for the multiple blessings granted by polygamy.

Well … there is more to be said on this. But it it can wait.

Thank you for the opportunity to share what Allah has given me to teach. I am almost moved to tears, because no one here wishes to listen, except my good wives. Alhamduillah.

wasalaam,

dr omar
Shahin
December 16th, 2009 on 7:41 pm
The sister asked me ” what is man understanding of woman”. I do not know any man understand woman except he wants her. I am not sure that man understand woman. Traditionally, man want to have women for children. Individually, man want woman for sex. However, there are three classified men. One kind of man persist on bad. Second kind of man reproaching and third kind of man is peaceful and satisfied. If a woman fortunate to find second or third categorical man that means that woman is lucky and if woman find the first categorical man it means she is going to have bad times. He will beat her, curse her, yell at her, never feel regret of his misdeed. High quality of man as Allah prescribe in the chapter 89, they are very few and second classified men are also become bad because of environment. So I guess women have to live by low class men.
Judith
December 16th, 2009 on 11:37 pm
Shahin:
Thank you for sharing your answer with us. It is a simple question, but a complex topic, thank you again.
Haji Rafiq
December 17th, 2009 on 2:15 pm
Well, the main problem with women is that we need them. Regarding the ‘favourite’ wife topic: The wife can of course influence that a lot. If she is kind, understanding (and a little bit flexible) we love her more for it. Therefore please help us balance you! (sorry for the grammar). I would not really speak of a ‘favourite’ but each has her own value and charm. Regarding visits to ‘outsiders’. I would not know when to find the time. There is always someone waiting for me.
Shahin
December 17th, 2009 on 2:24 pm
I think this guy is lying. this hadith is not truth. “divorce her but keep her in his household and treat her with kindness.” This guy is trying to blame everything on women and fake hadith as dalil. I think, this guy is womanize and trying to using Islam as his pass card. I swear by Allah I would beat this to hell for misinterpreting hadith and using fake hdith. May Allah destroy these liars.
Ana
December 18th, 2009 on 1:07 pm
At polygamy 411 we encourage discussion and all should agree to respectfully disagree, if need be. We post all constructive comments submitted in a respectful manner. We discourage comments that are terribly abusive, offensive and/or an affront or personal attack on our readers/commenters’ character. Please, let’s all try to respect, learn from, and help one another.

Thank you!

Ana
Omar Zaid, M.D.
December 18th, 2009 on 6:35 pm
Salaam To all and especially Shahin,

I do not like to be accused of lying, so I’ve posted the following hadith which are genuine. There are scholars also who concur with what I’ve said above about the husband who no longer desires an elder wife. I would also remind everyone that the prophet said the majority of the people in hell were women. So it is best to take that statement under advisement and do some extremely careful soul searching.

One:

“If a woman fear cruelty or dessertion on her husbands part, i.e. if the hudband notices something unpleasant about his wife, such as old age,or the like and wants to divorce her,but she asks him to keep her and provide for her as he wishes,There is no blame on them if they reconcile on such a bsis.” Bukhari, 49. # 859

Two:

also Book 7, # 134 is similar

Three:

“Aish said: And if a woman has reason to fear ill-treatment from her husband or that he might turn away from her, that it was revealved in a case of a woman who a long association with her husband, and now he intends to divorce her, and she says: “Do not divorce me, but retain me (as wife in your house) and you are permitted to live with another wife. It is in this context that the verse (4:128) was revealed.” Muslim 43: #7165

Four:

“Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab that Rafi ibn Khadij married the daughter of Muhammad ibn Maslama al-Ansari. She was with him until she grew older, and then he married a young girl and preferred the young girl to her. She begged him to divorce her, so he divorced her and then he gave her time until she had almost finished her idda period and then he returned and still preferred the young girl. She therefore asked him to divorce her. He divorced her once, and then returned to her, and still preferred the young girl, and she asked him to divorce her. He said, “What do you want? There is only one divorce left. If you like, continue and put up with what you see of preference, and if you like, I will separate from you.” She said, “I will continue in spite of the preference.” He kept her in spite of that. Rafi did not see that he had done any wrong action when she remained with him in spite of preference.” Muwatta 28.22.57

There are more as well, but this should suffice for now.

wasalaam,

dr omar
Omar Zaid, M.D.
December 18th, 2009 on 6:43 pm
Ibn Kathir states:

Making peace is better than separation. An example of such peace can be felt in the story
of Sawdah bint Zam’ah who WHEN SHE BECAME AGED, THE PROPHET WANTED TO DIVORCE HER, but she made peace with him by offering the night he used to spend with her to A’isha so that he would keep her. The Prophet accepted such terms and kept her.

I think this should close the subject. If you disagree, it is only because you do not wish to accept something you cannot change.

Wasalaam,

dr omar
Omar Zaid, M.D.
December 18th, 2009 on 7:36 pm
Salaam To All,

This topic — the ‘unattractive or less desired wife’ — is a sensitive issue due to many a woman’s inability to take responsibility for her own physical and or emotional state. For example, the lady who overeats, becomes a glutton and obese, or the proverbial “nag” who still expects her husband to service her physical needs. The truth is that MOST men (not all) cannot because their own body or psyche will simply not respond to such undesireable stimulii. Old age is similar, excepting those cases where the husband and wife have grown so close that the physical attraction is no longer as issue. Of course, this is an “ideal” but it is also rare.

The sexual response in both men and women is extrememly complicated; is bound to unalterable physiological channels that are fixed in the body; and is also subject to ‘conditioning’ by virtue of experiences that fix certain pathways to pleasure centers in the brain; such as various forms of fetish.

This is not to mention phermones that dictate or disallow attraction in the first place. Hence, since these factors are complicit in any and all relations, it is not possible to alter them but it is possible to accept their realities and result. the acceptance is what is important, rather than the ‘denial’ based on selfishness and/or ignorance. Because it is acceptance that brings peace, and it is peace between husband and wife — even though everythings not “perfect” — that is Islam.

Posted below are some scholarly remarks on the subject for your review. Often, people are drawn into controversy based on opinion rather than knowledge. Very few of us take the time to do the research needed, and often fall back on ‘opinion’ and “feelings” to defend our ignorant positions. This only cause more “unpeace”, especially between husband and wife.

The late Muslim scholar Sayyid Abu A‘la Mawdudi sums all this up in his comments on Sura 4:129:

This means that it is not possible for a man to accord complete equality of treatment to two or more wives under all circumstances and in all respects. It is possible that one is ugly, the other beautiful; one is old, the other young; one is permanently sick, the other healthy; one is irritable, the other good-tempered. These and other differences are likely to make a person less attracted to one and more to another. In such circumstances, the Law does not demand that one should necessarily maintain absolute equality between the wives in respect of love, emotional attachment and sexual relationship. What it does demand is that if a husband does not repudiate marriage despite aversion for his wife, either because of his own desire or out of consideration for the desire of his wife, he should at least maintain a good relationship short of which his wife begins to feel if she is without a husband. In such circumstances, while it is natural that a person should prefer one wife to the other, this should not go to the extent that the woman remains, as it were, in a state of suspension, as if she were without a husband at all.

In the Two Sahihs, it is recorded that ‘A’ishah said that when Sawdah bint Zam’ah BECAME OLD, she forfeited her day to ‘A’ishah and the Prophet used to spend Sawdah’s night with ‘A’ishah…

. IT REFERS TO THE WIFE RELINQUISHING SOME OF HER MARITAL RIGHTS and his acceptance of the offer. Such compromise is better than total divorce, as the Prophet did when retained Sawdah bint Zam’ah. By doing so, the Prophet set an example for his Ummah to follow as it is a lawful act … (the preceding citation taken and adapted from Tafsir Ibn Kathir – Abridged, Volume 2, Parts 3, 4 & 5, Surat Al-Baqarah, Verse 253, to Surat An-Nisa, Verse 147

Muhammad’s personal and family life were not always smooth. His wives sometimes bickered amongst themselves and even once engaged in a petty plot against him. A’ishah, for example, disliked her Jewish co-wife, Safiyah, and insulted her periodically. Muhammad had to defend her status and honor a number of times and scold the youthful A’ishah. Hafsah became jealous of her co-wife, Maria, when she found her and Muhammad resting[sic] in her apartment one day. Sawdah gave up her allotted day with the Prophet WHEN SHE REALIZED HE WAS NOT REALLY ATTRACTED TO HER. As for the conspiracy, A’ishah agreed with two other co-wives to convince the Prophet that eating honey made him unpleasant to be around. When Muhammad vowed to never eat honey again, she privately repented to her co-conspirators. Though these incidents were not the norm, they demonstrate that the women in Muhammad’s life were as human as the rest of us. (Yahiya Emerick, Critical Lives: Muhammad

Noted linguist and commentator Al-Zamakhshari wrote the following regarding this issue:

It is related that the Prophet (refrained from sexual intercourse and) put off temporarily the following wives: Sauda, Juwairiya. Safiyya, Maimuna, and Umm Habiba. In so doing he used to grant them a share (of sexual intercourse) according TO HIS WISH. Among the wives whom the Prophet preferred to take to himself belong ‘A’isha, Hafsa, Umm Salama, and Zainab (bint Jash). Thus, he used to put five off temporarily in order to take four to himself. (On the other hand) it is related that, disregarding divorce and the selection concerned with it, the Prophet treated (all his wives) the same, with the exception of Sauda.

Narrated Aisha:
I used to look down upon those ladies who had given themselves to Allah’s Apostle and I used to say, “Can a lady give herself (to a man)?” But when Allah revealed: “You (O Muhammad) can postpone (the turn of) whom you will of them (your wives), and you may receive any of them whom you will; and there is no blame on you if you invite one whose turn you have set aside (temporarily).” (33.51) I said (to the Prophet), “I feel that your Lord hastens in fulfilling your wishes and desires.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 6, Book 60, Number 311)

May Allah reward your seeking after knowledge,

Wasalaam,

dr omar