A Normal Polygamous Family-A Malaysian Study
by ana on Jan.17, 2010, under polygamy - the aftermath, Section 2
Stress, quarrels and neglect: the “normal” polygmaous family-A large-scale study currently underway across Malaysia uncovers proof that polygamy harms everyone involved: from emotionally scarred children, to wives who think they’d be better off as single-parent households, and even husbands who admit “I wouldn’t recommend it for my son; it’s quite stressful.”
When Malaysian women’s rights organisation Sister in Islam (SIS) argued that polygamy causes social problems and has a negative emotional impact, leading figures of the Islamic establishment in Malaysia would ask, “What proof do you have?”. When SIS cited cases of women who had approached the organisation for legal services or support, the rejoinder was “That’s only isolated cases” or “When it’s properly practiced, polygamy can create harmonious family life.”
To provide concrete data to support its anecdotal evidence about the impact of polygamy, in late 2007 SIS launched an ambitious research project whose findings are now beginning to come in. Working with academics from three universities, the research has completed about 1,500 qualitative and quantitative questionnaires from across all 12 states of peninsular Malaysia, along with dozens of in-depth interviews. The SIS research may make a significant contribution to global analysis of polygamy because unlike most studies which focus on the impact on wives, this study is also interviewing husbands and children.
Under pressure from Islamic neo-conservatives who have a highly patriarchal view of gender and marital relations, Malaysia’s law on polygamy which was once considered among the most rights-protecting for women, has been significantly relaxed. The 1984 federal Islamic Family Law had five conditions a Muslim man had to fulfil before he could take another wife: that he had the financial means; could guarantee equal treatment of the wives; no harm would be caused to the existing wife/wives; the additional marriage was “just and necessary”; and that the proposed marriage should not directly or indirectly lower the existing wife and dependants’ standard of living.
In 1996, the last condition was deleted and in 2004 “just and necessary” was amended to “just or necessary”. This removed the Qur’anic requirement of justice and fairness, and since ‘necessary’ was not defined in law in Malaysia’s increasingly Islamised atmosphere many men found it easier to obtain permission for a polygamous marriage and exploit legal loopholes without fear of legal or social rebuke. The impact of this shift remains anecdotal since the research found that the Religious Department’s records for 1993-2007 are very uneven. Whether or not actual numbers of polygamous marriages have increased in recent decades, there has been a noticeable normalising of the practice. Many conservative Malay-Muslim politicians ironically claim they have women’s needs at heart, saying: “In the modern context, there are more and more educated, professional women who remain unmarried so we should encourage polygamy”.
Preliminary findings from the SIS research show that many children of first wives report a strong negative emotional impact. Most reported neglect from the father once he got a second wife and more so when he started having children from her. Especially where fathers had more than two wives or more than 10 children, daughters and sons often claim their father can hardly recognise them. When they went to ask for pocket money or school fees, their father would look at them clueless and say “Which mother are you from?”. This happened across the classes.
Polygamy also negatively affects the relationship between children and their mothers, with the former resenting the mother for being unable to make sure the father does not neglect them or for becoming depressed and also neglecting their emotional needs. Regardless of gender, they lack of confidence in their own ability to have stable relationships because they have only experienced a family life filled with traumatic quarrels and resentment. The children of second wives usually cope better because from birth they know their father has another family. But the children from the first family can see the comparison: the lack of time, lack of resources, their father’s absence when they needed him. Some of the children insisted SIS help them set up a support group to help them cope with feelings of isolation; at school they cannot relate their problems to anyone as they feel embarrassed about the situation.
The findings about the impact on children may offer an important opening for advocacy and change that can ultimately benefit women. Historically, changes to patriarchal interpretations of Muslim laws have often come in an effort to protect children’s rights. For instance, many Muslim countries now follow the principle of the best interests of the child when deciding custody, rather than rigidly applying traditionalist interpretations which deny mothers custody.
The impact of polygamy on women has both economic and emotional aspects. The research has found that many men in both lower and middle economic groups marry second wives so that they will contribute to the economic maintenance of their polygamous families. Women contribute to the nafaqa (the Muslim husband’s responsibility for maintenance) which polygamous husbands tend not to fulfil. Thinking through the last month’s expenditures, one second wife discovered for herself that the husband only provides one-third of the family’s basic needs: rice, sugar, coffee, vegetables, school fees, expenditure for school books, etc. The social reality is that most Malaysian women are breadwinners for their families, but women in polygamous families even more so. Many have some cottage business such as catering or making snacks without which there won’t be food on the table. A number of polygamous wives reported “I might as well be a single mother.” Under current government welfare policy, a single mother (divorced or widowed) can apply for welfare support but a polygamous wife, at least on paper, has a husband and cannot get that support. The interviews have challenged the traditional perception that second wives are ‘husband stealers’ who will benefit from the marriage as they reveal that most, even in the middle classes, live a hard life.
SIS’ research also looks at nafkah batin, a Malay term referring to sexual and emotional support. Those who support polygamy invariably claim that polygamy works if the husband properly follows the practice of giliran, or ‘turn-taking’: dividing time between the wives. All polygamous men claim they practice giliran, perhaps reflecting a subconscious recognition that the Qur’an enjoins equal treatment of multiple wives. But the in-depth interviews show that giliran is in fact unworkable: unplanned domestic crises such as a child falling sick or work crises all intervene to derail any giliran. Some polygamous men even seem to be trapped in the fable of masculine prowess. Taxi drivers with wives in two different states, or those who lose time travelling between families, say they are sometimes simply too tired to give time to their other family. When asked “Would you recommend polygamy to your children, your son?” a number of the better educated, professional middle class men said, “Seriously, I have to admit I wouldn’t. It’s quite stressful.”
Not just unworkable, the giliran ‘roster’ in fact seems to be largely a myth. When husbands were asked “So who’s turn is it today?” they were unable to answer, while wives simply said “Oh my husband keeps track of that.” Thus expected to follow the husband’s lead, women have evolved strategies for keeping their man. Interviews with rural women found widespread reliance on black magic to make sure the first husband does not forget her or to hex the second family. But the rural women also said “Don’t underestimate this. Even women in the Klang Valley area [where the capital Kuala Lumpur is situated] resort to this. They come back home to Kelantan and Terengganu, and consult the local bomoh.”
Husbands also report that the first wife becomes sexually competitive and manipulative. One said, “Before I took another wife, our sexual relations had waned a bit but as soon as I got married she is making more demands and I’m getting exhausted and I think it’s affecting my heart problem.” A second wife in Kelantan said “He asked me to give him a massage in order to ‘revive’ him. Hell, I gave him such a good massage and he fell asleep and started snoring and that ‘thing’ would not even go up!” The women quite openly discuss these problems. Although some of the interviews verge on the farcical, this should not detract from the fact that polygamous wives clearly suffer profound emotional and economic harm, two powerful grounds for future campaigning. But Malaysia may not yet be ready for a public discussion about the right to a satisfying sexual relationship, clearly also an issue in polygamous situations.
Far from the traditional Muslim ideal of a harmonious family with a male breadwinner providing all the family’s needs, the SIS research is revealing how polygamy leads to unstable and dysfunctional families and how the possibility of being just between wives and avoiding economic harm is a myth.
Masjaliza Hamzah and Norami Othamn 14 January 2010
About the authors
Norani Othman is a professor of Sociology at the Institute of Malaysian and International Studies (IKMAS)
Masjaliza Hamzah manages the research and publications unit at Sisters in Islam (SIS).
The research findings will be discussed at the 7th biennial Malaysian Studies Conference (MSC7) in March. SIS also plans booklets based on the findings.
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As Salaamu Alaikum!
Welcome to Polygamy 411! Our home is for Muslims and non-Muslims. It is for everyone who wants to talk about polygamy, or anyone who is in a polygamous marriage or is considering entering one. We like having company. Make yourself comfortable and join the discussion by leaving a comment. We look forward to seeing you here again soon and often.
travel 4 less!
January 17th, 2010 on 8:47 PM
So does this study in any way impact your decisions to go ahead with polygamy with your husband? It is obvious that you’ve seen firsthand just how difficult (maybe even impossible?) the concept of equality between wives can be.
I am just curious as to your take on this study and not trying to be confrontational or insulting. Feel free to ignore my question if it is too personal.
January 17th, 2010 on 10:53 PM
Wow, Rebeckah, I think you’re one of the first avatars to show up her besides Curtis Farmers’s. I think.
No, your question is good. I just want to answer when I’m not rushed and Alex isn’t over my shoulders. I’ll get back to you ASAP
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 17th, 2010 on 11:40 PM
I’m in an opinion that the SIS are not at all qualified point of reference for matters pertaining Islam … some of them doesn’t even practice Islam as a whole … wouldn’t be surprised at all if the research has been manipulated to suit their purpose
January 18th, 2010 on 12:25 AM
I know this is totally off subject but I was wondering if you know what happened to Megan’s Polyblog? I was a big fan of her and her gamily and her blog and I went to check in and its not there anymore. I think I saw you comment on her site before so I thought I would ask to see if everything is okay.
January 18th, 2010 on 2:15 AM
I heard from realiable sources that Megan’s Polyblog is no longer online, so I didn’t attempt to check her site to confirm it.
I removed Megan’s link from blog friends of polygamy 411.
Speaking of blog friends of polygamy 411, the page must have received indexing by Google. According to the stats on this site, many are clicking the links for our blog friends
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 18th, 2010 on 3:11 AM
Ibnu Adam,
I don’t know anything about SIS, but I agree with you that research can be manipulated to suit a purpose. I think those who do the research probably go into it knowing what they’ll have the outcome be. I don’t put a whole lot of weight on studies like that. The studies are interesting to read and I certainly like them when they confirm my position
Thank you for commenting again, Ibnu Adam.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 18th, 2010 on 3:18 AM
I thank Chatelaine again for providing us the article, “Stress, quarrels and neglect: the ‘normal’ polygamous family.” Chatelaine commented under “Polygamy411 Thanks you”, and provided the link for the article.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 18th, 2010 on 12:24 PM
Hera, there were questions about the reality of “Megan”. “She” posted pictures that “she” claimed were hers but two at least turned out to have been captured from other sites on the internet. A lot of people accused “her” of lying about everything and apparently “she” decided not to have the blog any longer. Megan’s blog was deleted immediately after one of her followers revealed that the ultrasound posted as “hers” actually came from another blogsite.
ibnu, it is true that almost any study can be slanted however the researcher wants to slant it. That’s why it is very important to read how the study was set up and conducted. Also, “happiness”, “satisfaction”, “unhappiness”, and “harm” are very elastic terms. They’re VERY difficult to quantify. However, it seems to me that the vast majority of people involved in polygamy suffer higher stress and it is unecessary stress. It is not part of human nature to share well. And there is always the question of the stress faced by the many men denied a chance to marry by one man marrying more than one woman. It is a thorny issue.
Ana, I love posting avatars. Mine is from a game called Harvest Moon which I really love to play. It’s mostly on the Nintendo platform (nintendo, gamecube, etc.) and there are several different games in the series. It’s a farming game with no violence so it’s suitable for me to play when my grandchildren are watching.
January 18th, 2010 on 7:18 PM
I ask you these questions :
1. would you put your faith to people whom you know are not practising Islam as a whole as it should be ?
2. would you put your faith to people who questions what is written in the al-Qur’an & as-Sunnah in the name of liberalisation ?
3. would you put your faith to people who in the name of putting a women’s status at par with men applaudes the action of a woman to lead a mass prayer including of men as makmum ?
If you say yes to any of the above question, then you could take what ever opinions put forward by the SIS (Sisters In Islam). The organization’s name sooooooo misleading
January 18th, 2010 on 9:39 PM
ibnu, if you are addressing me, I am not Muslim. I am, in fact, agnostic. I also feel that polygamy is a very unhealthy situation for all concerned. However, I am not here to be confrontational or to push any agenda. I am here to learn from those who live polygamy. (I’ve always been the curious sort.) If you weren’t addressing me, then I apologize for responding out of turn.
January 19th, 2010 on 12:21 AM
I think the whole polygamy thing is just complex and baffling. After all the devastation, pain, and anguish I’ve been through with polygamy, I’m at the point where I’m finally content and comfortable with it. I’m not 100% happy and loving it by any means, but I am happy most of the time lately and accepting of it.
At this point in my life living polygamy, I’d prefer Alex remain married to Carolinah, oppose to him finding another wife. I think going through all the initial steps all over again, bringing a new person in, getting to know her personality, setting up the schedule and all that goes with it would be too stressful for me. Why go through it? At least I know what Alex has with Carolinah. There’s probably not too much more for me to learn or know about her. Therefore, it’s in my best interest to want Alex to continue his life with Carolinah, especially since I’m enjoying my own time when Alex is away. My intention would be to encourage Alex to remain with Carolinah, if he were to mention again to me divorcing her. I would not encourage him to find another wife.
Getting back to the study, I thought about what was said. One man said his first wife became sexually competitive and manipulative when he took another wife. He said, “Before I took another wife, our sexual relations had waned a bit but as soon as I got married she is making more demands and I’m getting exhausted and I think it’s affecting my heart problem.” That was so comical to me. I wonder how many men have entered a polygamous marriage thinking everything with the first wife was going to remain status quo, that the problem with the lack of sex with the first wife was going to continue. He married a second wife to compensate for his lack of sexual satisfaction with the first wife only to find his 1st wife’s libido was jumped started as a reaction to him taking another wife. It happened to me. Alex wasn’t expecting it. So he incurred an additional pressure that he wasn’t prepared for.
Rebeckah that was interesting about the avatar, by the way. It’s definitely a cute one. Again, don’t feel you’re being confrontational or anything of the like.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 19th, 2010 on 3:07 AM
My comment was meant to point out who the SIS are in approaching Islam, which to me are not people whom I’d refer in any matters pertaining Islamic faith or Islamic way of life.
Even if I was of another faith, I wouldn’t be refering matters of faith with someone who isn’t practising or are practising it wrongly, or would you?
So Rebeckah, I’m sorry if I offended you in any way, or even anyone else if that matters
January 19th, 2010 on 10:26 AM
No, ibnu, you did not offend me in the least. I was merely clarifying who I am for you. You don’t know me and can hardly be faulted for assuming I follow a similar belief system.
I believe, however, that it is possible to be too narrowly focused on religious matters. I can understand if one wishes to dismiss the SIS findings based on flaws in the gathering of information or flaws in the setup of the study, but to dismiss it because you feel they are anti-Islam or something like that is not very logical. Mormons do something like that a lot too. They claim that anyone who says anything negative about their belief system (and there is a LOT that can be said against it — particularly against their treatment of women) is “anti-Mormon” and dismiss the information out of hand. If you desire to be fair and open and caring about all people, regardless of gender then you should at least read the report with an open mind — there is bound to be information that applies regardless of the validity of the final results.
For instance, jealousy among wives has been a facet of polygyny since the beginning of time. There is no question that it will always be a facet of polygyny. I am assuming that you are male, based on your name, so if you are thinking about polygyny or involved in polygyny, then this report gives you insights into what sparks the jealousy, why, and can give you ideas on how you can mitigate it or confront it. Jealousy is a negative and draining emotion, so people who care about each other do not want those they love to feel it if they can help it.
Now I haven’t read the report yet (but I do plan to) so I don’t know if it referred specifically to anything about Islam. Certainly I don’t think that a secular organization, or one that is of another faith, would be able to give information on how a specific religion should be practiced. However, I imagine that reading about how women feel in the polygynous situation would be good for any male who didn’t just dismiss the needs and desires of women out of hand.
Ana, I’m very glad that I am not being contfrontational. I have Asperger’s, which is a form of Autism, and I sometimes become rude without meaning to. I am trying very hard to be respectful of your blog and I very much enjoy it. You have written very honestly and openly of your faith and your experiences with polygyny and I appreciate it. While I don’t think polygyny is healthy, I am able to realize that I am prejudiced against it. I am trying to learn more from people within it to try and balance my prejudice.
Thanks for answering my questions and thank you for your insights too, ibnu adam. It is interesting hearing from men as well. I am very much enjoying this discussion and this blog.
January 19th, 2010 on 9:36 PM
@ Hera “Megans” blog is back up. It’s by invitation only.Someone was suspicious of her and googled ultrasound pics online. She found the same ultra sound pic on someone else family blog. So messed up. This woman was pregnant with her twins and posted ultra sound pics 2 YEARS AGO.
This person sent messages to many of the people who were on “Megans” blog. She used the screen shot saver and saved “Megans” Ultrasound pic, and that of the woman with the family blog. I’d be pissed if someone stole pics of my kids and were passing them off as their own. Besides a lot started to not make sense about her blog.
January 20th, 2010 on 12:15 AM
Amina,
I share your sentiments. When I saw the copied ultrasound on Megan’s blog, I tried to put myself in the mind of someone who would copy some other mother’s ultrasound, and then call it her own. I also tried to imagine how the other mother would feel if she saw her own baby’s ultrasound up on someone else’s blog, with a long detailed post claiming it as her own.
I have been a regular reader of Megan’s blog. I stated openly that I do not support polygamy, but I always supported Megan. I personally asked Megan to please explain her reasons for doing what she did. So did approximately 4 other people. She did not answer, but instead took her blog down and made it restricted.
I guess there is no point in trying to interpret her actions. She is the only one who can do that, and she chose not to. I imagine she is discussing it with those that she admitted onto her now private blog.
January 20th, 2010 on 2:13 AM
So basically is fake or what?
January 20th, 2010 on 10:47 AM
No one really knows if “Megan” herself is a fake or not. However “Megan” has been caught twice now copying pictures from the internet and claiming that they are pictures pertaining to her own life. (The other was a whirlpool spa or bathtub she calimed her “husband” made for her.) And the stories of her “pregnancy” are suspicious at best. Dates keep changing, genders are determined by “doctors” long before an ethical doctor would even make a stab at it, etc. Many people feel that “Megan” is a hoax designed to lure in impressionable young women with a polyanna story of how wonderful polygamy is, but as this is the internet there’s no sure way to figure out who “Megan” is and what his/her motivations might be.
January 20th, 2010 on 1:27 PM
Everyone,
Below is the original comment that I received from Nicole on 1/14/10 about Megan’s blog. I didn’t post it, as I didn’t want to post it without confirmation that the information was valid. But, now since everyone is discussing it, I feel Nicole’s comment should also be presented. I posted Nicole’s original comment, as well, under: “First, second, third, or fouth wife-Does it matter?” The post could be accessed from the “Most Recent Posts.”
Nicole, I hope you understand why I didn’t post your comment at the time I received it. I was trying to lookout for all parties concerned.
“HI I know you follow megans-polyblog and I feel greatly that we have been scammed in a way. I know now she is a blunt liar. She posted a picture up of her so-called ultrasound and I found that same picture on another family’s blog at
http://iflifegivesyoulemons.com/2009/01/07/25-week-ultrasound-december-18-2008/
Plzzzz help me expose this person for who they really are, A LIAR!
UGHHH I was so loving her blog! It sucks that she is fake!
and just in case the little wench does delete it here is the proof of her post and also just in case something does happen to the other persons blog here is the screen shot of them both!
http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/4874/meganslies.jpg
http://img705.imageshack.us/img705/3584/meganslies3.jpg “
January 20th, 2010 on 6:13 PM
Thanks, Ana. Is Nicole Allah4ever? I got pretty much the same email from her. She seems very upset, which I can completely understand. I hope that as shock wears off she will realize that this is simply an indication that “Megan” is a very unkind person and that believing “Megan” in no way reflects poorly on her or any of the others.
It is sad that “Megan” has caused so much strife and pain with the untruths posted.
January 20th, 2010 on 6:33 PM
Just kidding!
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…it’s a duck.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 21st, 2010 on 3:43 AM
For those interested, Megan commented only twice at polygamy411.com. She commented once under “Polygamy is Costly” and once under “Polygamy-are the Wives Rivals?” You could access the posts by putting the titles in the search box.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 22nd, 2010 on 10:41 AM
Why? do you continue to blast her, why not leave what’s been done alone! You all have judged her how ever you want, now if I remember right Jesus said who ever is perfect cast the first stones, I’m glad to see there are many perfect people, bless you, bless you!
January 22nd, 2010 on 12:03 PM
George,
Maybe you want to re-phrase your comment and ask people to lighten up on Megan oppose to taking a self-righteous attitude. After all, you too previously commented above about Megan’s situation along with everyone else. You asked, “So basically is fake or what,” which helped keep the discussion going.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
January 22nd, 2010 on 1:55 PM
Ana,
Thank you very much for your helpful response to me over on the ‘the good the bad and the ugly’ thread. I enjoyed getting a better understanding of your mother. It so happens that I really dig her ‘does he think he’s a king’ comment, and I hope you’ll feel free to pass along to your mother that she has a fan among your readers.
George,
The only thing really left over after Megan put up a silly lie and then declined to share her point of view about it with her readers is a certain amount of jumpiness, which I detect, about matters of miscommunication.
The response on this blog to Megan’s style has obviously given you the welcome opportunity to watch yourself playing “imitatio christi” in the mirror. So why not say “thank you, thank you” instead of “bless you bless you”.