Trials in Polygamy-I Relapsed

by Ana on Jan.27, 2010, under Chapter 5, my story today-polygamy

Yes! You heard it right. I had a relapse in my polygamous marriage. It was a trial or test and I failed it royally. Just when I thought I was doing so good, the unexpected presented itself. Isn’t that how it usually works?

Where should I begin? Well, I got up for Salat (Morning Prayer) and to see Alex off for work. He gave me a kiss, said he loved me, and was on his way. I was happy. A few moments later, I heard what I thought was his cell phone beep. I quickly looked for the cell phone in hope of catching him before he was too far away, but I didn’t see it. I thought I simply had been hearing things. Nevertheless, I went back to bed for a few hours.

After I awoke and pulled myself together, I saw Alex’s cell phone on the dining room table. I saw on the face of the phone that the caller earlier that morning, at 6:30 a.m., was Carolinah. She was the beep. What to do now? I immediately reached for the landline phone to call Alex to let him know he had left his cell phone. (I didn’t want to be tempted with going into his phone. It’s a sin in Islam to spy on someone.) Then I had second thoughts. I went back and forth about what to do and then the answer became clear. I had to see what she said.

Maybe you remember from a previous post that this same exact situation presented itself to me maybe a year ago or so and I accessed his phone. I can’t remember, off the top of my head, which post I wrote about it in. Nonetheless, I read his emails at that time. So, getting back to the present, I tried to access Alex’s phone again and low and behold he had a password on it. I guess he learned from the first time.

I hadn’t a clue what Alex’s password was or could be. I got myself so worked up in a panic, trying to get into his phone, to the point that I had to go take half of a pill (Xanax) for anxiety. (I have Xanax, as I vacation a lot and need it to fly without panicking. I don’t need it much lately though when traveling.) I tried a few obvious possibilities for the password, to no avail. To make a long story short, I hacked his phone. I found a way to crack the code.

Once I got in, I initially went to the incoming mail, looking for everything sent by Carolinah. To my astonishment, I found approximately five tacky, nasty photos of Carolinah, partially clad in flimsy see through lingerie showing t…s and a.. , talking about “lick this” and stuff like that-photos with naked boobs hanging out the lingerie, butt up in the air…just make me barf. I had warned Alex about leaving stuff on his cell phone that no one should see. I guess he ignored me since he put the password on the phone. To top it off, I read one email from Alex to Carolinah in which he said how he wanted to… and to ….her. You could imagine. Was I furious? Of course I was. So what to do now?

Well, the text under one photo of boobs in the see through lingerie said, “Whose melons are these…” (The photos were from May 2009 around the time Alex, Carolinah and I had the chaotic, turmoil around his and my wedding anniversary.) So I decided to send a reply to Carolinah from Alex’s phone, saying, “They’re not my Ana’s melons because…..” Then I decided to forward all the photos back to Carolinah with replies, and advised her that I was putting the photos on the internet. In one of the replies, under the photo with the naked boobs hanging out, I said, “These are Alex’s slut’s t..s”. There was more, but I’m getting exhausted talking about it now, especially after living it the last two days. This all began yesterday.

Anyway, I didn’t hear from Alex or Carolinah. So at the end of the evening, I emailed Alex and advised him that he had left his cell phone here, and asked when he’d come by to get it. I received no reply and eventually went to sleep, thinking Alex would come get the phone before going into work in the a.m.

To be continued…

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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42 comments for this entry:

Amina
January 27th, 2010 on 9:50 pm
oh no.
SubhanAllah sis i would have done the same thing. But no good can come from this.
i hope everything is ok. I can’t really talk, when Naim was courting Chloe I read all of her emails to him, etc..
human nature.
Ana
January 28th, 2010 on 12:00 am
I agree with you completely. I think it is human nature to do certain things. The soul is inclined towards evil. You said you can’t really talk; you can talk, Amina. We’ve made mistakes and we’re trying to be better with the help of Allah. That’s what’s important. The only difference between us and others is that we anonymously (with stage names) disclose our mistakes. Many people just hide the dirt they do, and pretend they’re better than others.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Rebeckah
January 28th, 2010 on 12:08 am
I’m sorry that you’re even in this position, Ana. It is terrible to see the jealousy you are going through. I’m afraid in my ignorance all I can think is — how would he feel if you had a second man in YOUR life. I can’t advise you but you have my support and sympathy, for what it is worth. I hope you figure out how to work this out in a way that helps you be the person you want to be.
Bek
January 28th, 2010 on 12:16 am
I’ve been eager to hear how you and Alex have been getting on after you advised him as to how you saw your relationship going forward.
I’m sorry that you are in such pain and turmoil.
God bless you.
Ana
January 28th, 2010 on 12:21 am
Thank you, Rebeckah and Bek. It is very kind and sweet of you. I very much appreciate your sympathy and support. It means a lot to me. I’m optimistic things will get better.

Carolinah just sounds so sleazy. On all the photos she said, “lick this”, not kiss it. Am I married to an animal, a dog or something? “Lick this” Yuk…What’s up with that? I can’t get passed it.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Mai
January 28th, 2010 on 1:49 am
As salaamu alaykum Ana.

Disappointed and frustrated…that’s me upon reading this, and probably you after doing it. shaytan has had a field day with this one…may he be damned!

I’ve seen those types of photos during my last poly episode. She aired a load of laundry as well, so I guess I “had to know.” However, I didn’t hack or use any passwords…Allah presented it to me. I talked, or never did anything, about it because the important thing in it all for me was understanding who my husband and his other wife were. It confirmed to me much about where my husband was Islamically, and who he was – his real self. Did it lower my opinion? Yes. Was it a surprise? No.

Simply from an Islamic perspective, to have the photos somewhere so easily accessible (because any record of photos on a computer or phone is easily accessible these days) is a serious issue. I simply took it as a lesson and sign. It lowered my opinion of them both. Any pornographic media is disgusting to me, so it just killed another bit of my intimate comfort, which had already been damaged.

This came for a reason, Ana. To expose truth. To open your eyes to reality. I pray you can find true regret in your heart for going where you shouldn’t have and for responding in such a way. Repentance is important. It seems that the knowledge you acquired through hacking his phone was the biggest punishment. However, seek Guidance and clarity about what this means and how it should effect your future, inshaa’Allah.

I totally “feel” this one with you. Just make sure you benefit from it in the end. My prayers are with you.
Heather
January 28th, 2010 on 1:55 am
I’m not too caught up in the whole Islam culture, but isn’t it taboo to act or behave in that matter (Carolinah’s photos). In my honest Opinion, Carolinah is just a nasty dirty ho who isn’;t taking the religion seriously and needs to be cast out. You and Alex could do so much better and deserve to find a woman who is in this marriage for the right reasons, not to get sex and money from a married man.
Ana
January 28th, 2010 on 3:39 am
Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Mai

Thank you for sharing your experience. Wow, it’s amazing how common some of our experiences are. I’m feeling every bit of what you described. I feel a bit of my intimate comfort with Alex has now been damaged and it was questionable before. I guess anytime a person is intimate with someone that’s intimate with a third party,the possibility of danger is exist.

I think you’re definitely right; this all was revealed to me for a reason. What I’ve just discovered has me questioning what I’ve been exposed to for the last three years, the physical dangers. As I mentioned, I can’t get past the “lick this.” I share your sentiments; it’s all just disqusting.

You are absolutely right; I must find true regret in my heart. I don’t have any regret for what I’ve done to Carolinah and Alex, but I do feel very badly; I feel regret and remorse for defying Allah. I’m hoping the punishment was finding what I found by spying and nothing more. My world has been turned upside down the last couple days.

I don’t know if what has happened has caused irreparable damage to Alex and my marriage. Time will tell.

You gave me a lot of good dower Mai, which you always do. I was hoping you’d comment without withholding; although, I was a bit intimidated by what you might say.

Thank you for your prayers. I’ll continue to make duah for you too!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
January 28th, 2010 on 3:59 am
Hi Heather,

You posed your question with perfect timing. Our dear Mai helped answer your question in her comment. You both commented almost at the same time. Mai said,”Simply from an Islamic perspective, to have the photos somewhere so easily accessible (because any record of photos on a computer or phone is easily accessible these days) is a serious issue.”

Alex was wrong, which I advised him of as well, as in Islam, man is the maintainer and protector of women. How was Alex protecting Carolinah, by having those photos of her on his phone? How was he protecting my eyes from seeing them? Granted, he had the password on the phone, but I was still able to access the phone. I’m sure there’s more that could be said in answer to your question, but I’ll just stop there for now.

I take total responsibility for spying. I was undoubtedly wrong.

Heather, I’ve been trying to let everyone on the blog know of Carolinah’s character (based on the little I know of her) from the beginning days of beginning this blog. Sometimes I felt many people didn’t believe me and believed I was just a jealous woman. I always knew she wanted no more from Alex than sex and money. She never wanted Islam. When she proudly advised me she committed fornication with my married husband before she was married to him, said it all.

I agree with you Heather; there are good Muslim women out there who would be more appropriate for a polygamous marriage in Islam than Carolinah.

Thank you very much Heather for being here and for your support

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Haji Rafiq
January 28th, 2010 on 9:10 am
Sorry to say, but I feel that for a Muslim the details you published go a bit too far. We need to preserve the intimacy of a relationship. I know mobile phones, internet and all that is dangerous. As a wife in polygamy you may come across intimate details which you should not disclose. You would not like it either if it was the other way round. Are we not ‘garments’ for each other?
Rebeckah
January 28th, 2010 on 10:51 am
Ana, I did not realize that Alex had betrayed his marriage vows to you. Speaking from experience, I’d say you should cut your losses where he is concerned and find a trustworthy man. I was married to a cheater, and they don’t stop cheating. I got a (thankfully mild) sexually transmitted disease from him because of his unfaithfulness. The truth is, my husband was spoiled and selfish and did not care how his actions impacted me. Alex sounds exactly the same. Also, isn’t it a rule in Islam that you follow the laws of the government under which you reside? It appears you are in America, which would also mean Alex is acting outside of Islam. I am sorry, Ana, but if very much sounds to me as if your man is not worthy of you.

Once again, I hope I am not being offensive and I am not trying to tell you how to live your life. I am stating my opinions and observations but please know that I understand that only you can know what is right for you. Regardless of how you handle matters you will have my sympathy and support — as much as one can offer over the internet.
Judith
January 28th, 2010 on 11:36 am
Ana,
You know I respect you. In general. I think you are using the strength of your negative feelings about Carolinah, and what strikes me as a slightly masochistic rumination over whether you were high minded enough in this matter, while simultaneously putting this filthy depiction of her up on the web, in order to avoid looking calmly and with your eyes straight, at the actual qualities of the man you chose as your husband. Even the language you use, “I relapsed” suggests that this situation, in your mind, is a personal sickness. Actually, I think it is kind of a sickness. Perhaps the future will prove otherwise.

My best, always,
j
Reva
January 28th, 2010 on 12:40 pm
I have posted a couple of comments with the username “shocked” but I am switching to Reva because I am not shocked anymore. back to the topic

Ideally there should be no privacy in marriage. As you have rightly mentioned before that using protection in intimate moments violates the concept of marriage (sorry of I am misquoting ). In my opinion setting boundaries (and passwords) in daily life is against the spirit of marriage. That is why I can’t see how polygamy can be a right thing for anyone.

By accepting polygamy you have lost the right of completely knowing your spouse. Now it doesn’t matter if it’s carolinah or someone else you will not get the right to judge this “other” couple. It’s their life not yours, you have no right whatsoever to demand your version of islamic code of conduct from them. If you can not fathom the idea of your husband being a completely different person with the other woman then you should not be in a polygamous marriage.

I don’t know how can someone remain serene in a polygamous marriage.

PS: I try to be really polite and everything but I know I never sound polite in my posts. I am sorry for that.
Ana
January 28th, 2010 on 1:06 pm
Haji Rafi,

Please don’t be sorry to say what you did. What you said is totally correct in reality.

On the blog; however, everything I disclose is from a position of anonymity, which is why I reveal it. No one knows my true identity, or the true identity of anyone I speak of.

It may help everyone to look at what’s on this blog, as just stories, or fiction. Everyone on the blog is encouraged to use a stage names or write annonymously when writing of their experiences. We on the blog respect everyone’s privacy, and want to protect their true identity from being revealed.

The purpose of the blog is for everyone to be able to speak honestly and share ideas and experiences here. Otherwise, what’s the use of the blog if we can’t be open and frank with one another?

There are many forums on the web that deal strictly with Islamic dos and don’ts etc. Many of us are aware of the do’s and don’t or know where to go to find the information. As humans who all make mistakes, we all fall way short of perfection.

Allah knows the individual actors and participants are acting in secrecy here.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Live, Laugh, Love
January 28th, 2010 on 3:49 pm
Ana, I don’t think that you “relapsed” anything or that this is stemming from a jealous nature. It is normal to want to be apart of your husbands life in every way. That’s human nature. After all, he is YOUR husband. You have every right to be in the loop as much or as little as you want to be.

You have very clearly put out the offer to Alex to find a new devout Muslim wife since he is so adamant in doing this against your wishes. To me, that speaks volumes of your faith and that you are a very strong woman.

If Carolinah were a true follower of the Muslim faith she would not be doing that kind of stuff or speaking that way in general and you are right, he is no better in actually keeping it on there and not putting her in her place and telling her not to do it which speaks volumes of his character. He seems very weak where all of this is concerned and is not doing anyone any favors. He really needs to take a step back and grow in his faith but considering what is currently happening I don’t see him even remotely thinking about that even though he made those promises to you late last month. It just seems like it was a facade to keep the peace and he had no intention of following through.

This also just goes to show her true character/motives yet again, that she is simply using your husband and I’m going to be blunt here, acting like a paid whore.

Stay strong Ana, I am so sorry that you are being put through all of this. ((hugs))
Manup
January 28th, 2010 on 10:06 pm
Salaams
Well Ana, you’re wrong on this one on many levels. A man who has more than one wife should be allowed to have as many secrets with that wife – in the halal- as he pleases. It is not your business to butt in the middle of it all. Understandibly it’s tough on you, but you choose to continue with your husband and as such, you need to put up with how things are.

Reality is, he obviously finds his second wife to be very se-xually attractive, she knows that, and sends him pics of herself. That is perfectly fine Islamically. He has ever right to enjoy his wife and his wife has every right to enjoy him. So what if she acts like a whore, she’s his wife and she can act however she wants with him.

Don’t dig yourself a hole then go on complaining about it. Islamically your husband in this situation (not the entire marriage b/c he did screw up plenty) in this situation, both him and Carolinah are in the right and you are in the wrong. You have to admit it to yourself that you transgressed the haq of someone one and your husband and that requires tawba.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but mujahadat el nafs is always hard.
Heather
January 28th, 2010 on 11:22 pm
Perhaps it’s time to give Alex an ultimatum and make him choose. Either Alex makes Carolinah start taking the religion serious and perhaps the two of you meet face to face finally, or he dumps Carolinah and moves forward with you in finding a true Muslim woman.

Atleast if I was in that situation I would start making the demands.
EgyptianLovingAmerican
January 28th, 2010 on 11:24 pm
Ana, Ana, Ana,
I am shaking my head.
This is absolute Insanity. Crazy; and as Mentally Unhealthy as you can possibly get.
Do you hear me woman? I am shouting.

I will have to change my Name to EgyptianLovingAmericanAndFutureMentalPatient.

I did the same thing; Sorta.
I hacked his SKYPE account. I have found women’s names. Now do I know why they are there? Are they all business related? Who knows. But my craziness says yes, potential indescretions.

FIRST and foremost, I am a strong supporter of “Just Say NO to Polygamy”

But, when it comes to the relationship between a man and woman, who love each other; who are married. All is fair. Maybe that is a very Western view, but if both agree, then I do not have a problem with it. Spice; is what I call this. It is not my thing either, but between the two of them; both agreed.
Dear God, If I saw this, with my jealous personality. I would behave the same way.
I am not saying you are right. I am not saying you wrong.

WE ALL ARE saying; You are not alone.

Get the HELL out of this relationship. I do not know how to say it any better.

I’m trying to mentally get out too.

AS for your punishment: Your mental health and sanity take a hit.
Many, many years ago,
I had a co-worker who was certain his wife was cheating. He tapped the phone line, and found proof positive. I asked to use this device. He warned it may reveal more truth than I could handle. In my situation it did not. But I recall the sincerity and potential hurt he was warning me about.

You are missing the best days of your life. Choose a Life of Happiness.
oum mhmd
January 29th, 2010 on 2:12 am
Salam Dearest Ana,

I have read your blog for a month or so now and I want to tell you a few things.

1) Zinna or fornication breaks a marriage Islamic ally! If she was bragging about fornicating with your husband that also means HE FORNICATED WITH HER. Now he as a Muslim is to be stoned. YOU MAY NOT STAY MARRIED TO HIM! Marriage doesn’t exist after zinna, he nullified his marriage. Allah’s deen has a right to be practiced!

2) Now lets say that u were legally married to a Muslim man (which your not if he committed zinna), it is driving you crazy, I am sickened for you, I have terrible marriage problems, but so different that yours. I am getting out! My situation is hard because I have 6 kids.

3) What is it about Alex that makes you stay with him?
He doesn’t practice Islam correctly!

4) Do you realize that there are so many good men who want a practicing Muslim wife? And being that you don’t have kids you can easily find a real man.

What is your age and profession? I know you wish to remain anonymous, but I am on the other side of the world and will never be coming back to the states.
Could u email me privately? I would like to talk in private. Do not post my email please.
Heather
January 29th, 2010 on 2:42 am
Just a question. I have been reading awhile and have not heard any mention of children, except for Carol’s son from another relationship. Do you have any children? Does Alex and Carol have any? If not, How can you be sure they don’t? Does Alex want children? With you? with Carol?

Just a nagging question or two.
Mai
January 29th, 2010 on 3:10 am
Masha’Allah, so many opinions and so many points to consider.

Obviously, as we are not here to get “scholarly” about Islamic issues, it is not appropriate to post fatawa about the permissibility of taking nude photos, videos, etc. Common sense and decency would dictate that if one follows and truly feels the morals and concepts of Islam, they will not have their respected and precious wife in a state of nakedness on record for any to possibly see. At any time we could die. Would we want someone to go into our home and find such material? Nothing is private once it has been photographed, recorded, or witnessed.

This is the age of publicity, when it comes to anything that goes over the internet, wireless phones, or e-mail. Just read about how private ANY of your photos or information is once you enter it into a computer or phone, and it becomes clear that it is not a safehouse for private material.

What is pornography? Photos of an intimate nature that are made public. What goes on behind closed doors is nobody’s business. Once it goes out for others to ogle, the whole matter becomes much like what is talked about in Islam…making intimate matters public is like dogs mating in the street. Regardless of whether this is something permissible between husband and wife, not keeping it where it should be Islamically – behind closed doors with no way for others to know – speaks volumes about morals, integrity, and taqwa.

I believe that this is another clear sign about Alex for Ana. We are not talking about someone struggling to overcome some issues with conforming with Islam. We are talking about someone who is content with life outside of Islam. Someone happy and enjoying a western life, western “holidays,” and western “morals.”

Islam is supposed to be the foundation for marriage; this is yet another sign of whether that is really happening or not.
Joseph Olam
January 29th, 2010 on 4:08 am
Hi,

Wow … this is a mess. Seems real enough and true to life though. Men like their women to be saints on the street and whores in bed. Looks like you married a man to me.

j
Ana
January 29th, 2010 on 7:13 am
A few new readers: Manup, Oum Mhmd, and Joseph Olam have joined us here at polygamy 411 and all are very welcome. Salaam and hi to you. It’s nice of you all to join our blog family and we hope you continue to visit and comment often. We enjoy hearing everyones views, opinions, ideas, thought etc. Although we may not agree, we may all respectfully agree to disagree We value what everyone has to say!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
3rd
January 29th, 2010 on 11:32 am
Ana, terrible turn of events. I’m not sure what to say though. I understand the fact that you couldn’t control yourself when the opportunity presented itself to check, but you really should learn to do that.. there is no good in checking and figuring out and trying to discover or uncover things.
God can and will expose people when time is due. If you make sure you stay out of it, when retribution comes then it will not reach you. You’ve put yourself in the way with your actions, so harm had to meet you.
There are so many secrets in polygyny. Best to leave them just that – secrets..
umm omar
January 29th, 2010 on 11:59 am
as salaamu alaikum Ana

Oh Ana, I feel for you, I really do. I have succumbed to the desire to know what goes on in his other marriage a couple of times too, may Allah forgive me. I didn’t find anything to get angry about, just declarations of love but those tore my heart out nevertheless and I resolved not to do it again.
The only person that gets hurt from snooping is you – I mean Alex and Carolina may be annoyed with the text messages you sent but you’re the only one actually hurting. You cannot allow yourself to do this again. I advise you for your sake to repent to Allah and seek refuge in Him from the shaytan and from your jealosy so you don’t fall into this again.

Honestly, though, I agree with Manup above. I’m sorry if this will sound harsh, I don’t mean to be judgemental. It would be really easy for me to just shake my head and move on to the next juicy blog, but I’ve come to care about you based on your blog and that’s the only reason I’m saying this. Regardless of whether what they did was islamically correct or not, they did not transgress against you, but you transgressed against them both. Just because your husband forgot his phone, it does not give you the right to go crack his password and snoop and most of all it does not give you the right to reply back to Carolina with nasty text messages when all she did is send pics to her husband. No matter how sleezy the pictures were and how much they may turn your stomach, obviously both of them enjoy it and it’s allowed between a man and his wife.
On the other hand, I agree with Mai, that it speaks to his character and his commitment to living islamically that he kept the pictures or allowed her to send them in the first place. Now that you found out, you need to reflect on what this means to you and act on it – not just react in anger and hurt. Pray to Allah to guide you to what is best for your life, your deen and your akhira with regards to this marriage. I will be praying for you, inshaallah.
Ana
January 29th, 2010 on 12:53 pm
Nope, Manup is wrong on so many levels
and Mai and I are right. As Mai said, what goes on between a husband and wife behind closed doors is private. Alex chose to bring that phone into MY HOME with naked photos of Carolinah on it, which was a huge indecretion. I didn’t go to their home and see her nakedness. Alex didn’t protect Carolinah, nor me by having those photos on his phone.

I appreciate seeing those photos as I’ve always wondered what my competition was like. Now I know and I am at peace about it. I don’t have to wonder anymore. If I were Carolinah, I would want NO ONE to see those photos. Most women would make sure their bodies were in the right condition before they put their stuff out there like that.

Yes, Manup and Umm Omar, I understand Alex is enjoying Carolinah. We all have surmised that besides for money, sex was the main reason they married; Islam had nothing to do with it.

I know I was wrong to go into his password protected phone and I have and will continue to repent to Allah for it and pray not to repeat the act.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
a muslima
January 29th, 2010 on 1:25 pm
Ana, you know I love you…

That said, I have to tell you that in this case, you were wrong. There is a reason that spying on and trying to find the faults of a muslim is haram. As they say “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” and you said yourself that when Alex left you that morning, you were happy and content. Then you let shaytan come in between you and your contentment. Regardless of what Alex and Carolina do, you would never had known had you not looked. You don’t have con trol over what they do, only on what you do and hpw you react…and up till now you acted with grace and poise so I urge you to continue on that path and remember and follow the advice you gave me. You are better than the behavior you have exhibited.

Love you fisibilillah
Ana
January 29th, 2010 on 1:36 pm
3rd,

It amazing! I went to dinner with my mom and one of my sisters last night and my mom advised me the exact same thing that you said. My mom tells me that everytime I mess up the way I’ve just done. It was good hearing it from you as a confirmation. You’re very strong! You’re very helpful. That was heavy…Thank you

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
umm omar
January 29th, 2010 on 2:08 pm
as salaamu alaikum

wow, obviously I touched a nerve. It honestly was not my intention. I guess I should have just kept my thoughts to myself.
Reva
January 29th, 2010 on 2:49 pm
Ana,

Are you angry because he was not successful in hiding his intimate details from you? Or you are unable to handle that your husband is enjoying this other woman very much. I don’t understand why “not knowing” could save you from hurt unless you fool yourself that they are not intimate or atleast they are not enjoying it.

Your husband is enjoying sex with another woman and no normal woman can be at peace with it. What you did was perfectly normal and nobody should blame you for hacking your husband’s cell phone. It is your right to know your husband inside out. Good thing is that you did not let this right slip off your hands.

What you did was being honest with yourself and It will help you in making the right decision. I don’t understand why some people are advising you to fool yourself. When something is not right you have to see that it is NOT. Closing eyes is not the solution.
Reva
January 29th, 2010 on 2:50 pm
and we are waiting on what happened next.
Ana
January 29th, 2010 on 2:58 pm
Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Umm Omar

Please do not keep your thoughts to yourself. Like I said previously, I value what everyone has to say here. We’re not all going to agree on everything and we’re not here just to tell each other what we think we want to hear.

Yes, you touched a nerve, but it’s OK. It’s to be expected. It’s a touchy subject. I’m sorry if my response appeared as an attack. We’re all big boys and girls here, so let’s chat

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
January 29th, 2010 on 4:08 pm
Reva,

I believe every woman in a polygamous marriage knows her husband has sex with his other wife/wives. However, no woman wants it in her face. The sayings: What you don’t know can’t hurt you; out of sight out of mind and other sayings like it are applicable.

Persons are saying Alex and Carolinah are enjoying themselves. What I know is that Alex has photos of Carolinah’s half clad, partially naked body on his phone. Her face isn’t there. That tells me that Alex enjoys looking at those photos. I’m sure my photos would have been there, as well, had I the mentality of Carolinah, and had sent my naked body to his phone.

You said, “When something is not right you have to see that it is NOT. Closing eyes is not the solution.” There are many lessons to be learned from all that has happened. To reiterate what “A Muslima” said, spying is wrong and I will have to suffer the consequences for having done that. On the other hand, I must look at the character of my husband and the woman that he is married to, as those pictures were revealed to me for a reason. Now I have to see the reason and go forward.

Live,Laugh,Love,
I agree with you when you said, “This also just goes to show her true character/motives yet again, that she is simply using your husband and I’m going to be blunt here, acting like a paid whore.” I thank you for understanding, for your support and especially the big ((hug)). Big hugs back to you too.

EgyptianLovingAmerican,
You make me laugh. You said: “I will have to change my Name to EgyptianLovingAmericanAndFutureMentalPatient.” I really needed a good laugh right now. You said a very profound thing. You said: “I’m trying to mentally get out too.” It speaks volume. We can’t get out of anything until the time is right, as everything has a term appointed. I’m a firm believer of that. Everything that occurs in our life is just taking us where we need to go.

Heather,
You asked me about children. Carolinah has none with Alex, and is unable to have any more children. I have no children, as I’ve never wanted any. I’ve asked Alex on a number of occasions, if he wanted me to have any children, as I would have considered it. He said no. He was married previously for ten years and he opted not to have children with her, as well.

Regarding the ultimatums that Dr. Omar had suggested before, I gave them more thought. I don’t think ultimatums are good. I should take action, but not try to force someone else to. I hope I answered your nagging questions LOL. Please don’t hesitate to ask me more

Everybody,
I’m trying to respond to everyone’s comments, as best I can without becoming totally overwhelmed. So please all bear with me. I don’t want anyone to feel slighted. And kindly forgive me if I respond back in a way that seems to be an attack, if you touch a nerve

Thank you all for being here and sharing!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
u235sentinel
January 30th, 2010 on 3:27 pm
I’m sorry to hear things aren’t going well. I realize the situation is complicated and don’t presume to judge.

I hope things improve. One thing I think needs saying. Cell phone’s are NOT encrypted communications (not normally that is). If photos or notes are being sent then it’s highly possible someone can intercept them with little effort. And it’s not even illegal according to the US Supreme Court.

They said anything that is transmitted in the air and is not encrypted is fair game. Just wanted to make people aware that photos in the air waves isn’t the best idea. And yes, there are people who grab that stuff all the time and it’s not very hard to do
Ana
January 30th, 2010 on 5:13 pm
U235sentinel,

Thank you very much for your support, and especially for sharing with us the information about the cell phones.

Persons beg to differ with me, but I still say Alex had no business bringing Carolinah’s naked stuff into my home. Alex brought it into my home and now he, Carolinah, and I are suffering the consequences because my eyes got exposed to it. I think Carolinah learned a valuable lesson, not to send her naked stuff in the air waves. Alex knows now not to bring his personal stuff involving Carolinah into my home because when it enters my home it becomes my business.

Sorry, U235sentinel, for using your comment to vent again. I guess I opened the door for more…he can have his pics. He can enjoy her. What goes on between a man and a wife and blah, blah, blah…LOL I guess I better get ready for the blows, or I think I just may post them and throw in the towel. What do you suggest?

Good to hear from you, U235sentinel. I missed you and I’m glad you’re back.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
safa
January 30th, 2010 on 8:20 pm
wow, ,what you did is very wrong.
It’s his home too, you have no right to snoop around in his phone.
You compare yourself and say unflattering things about her body,is that right?
You have to admit your husband is her husband too, she has as much rights over him than you, and he seems to enjoy her pics, they are halal to each other, so you should respect their intimacy.
Ana
January 30th, 2010 on 8:32 pm
Safa,

What number wife are you? You seem to be taking this very personally. What happened to you in your marriage that’s making you so angry and disturbed? Take it easy before you give yourself a heart attack.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
u235sentinel
January 30th, 2010 on 11:14 pm
Maybe I misspoke on the pictures. What I was trying to say was the pictures in my opinion are not appropriate. And for a husband to have those pictures of a wife???

I’ll admit I’ve been tempted with my wife

BUT what do those pictures really mean? Something between a husband and wife or does it degrade that relationship? Even if it’s consensual?

I realize it’s my own morals here speaking but despite the temptation it’s not something that has or will happen. Personally I want a relationship that doesn’t degrade but uplifts her too. I want it to be special and it will be if we make it so.

Not to preach here (though I guess it sounds like I am), those pictures should not have happened. So I guess I’m agreeing with you. It was a mistake and hopefully they won’t continue doing it.
u235sentinel
January 30th, 2010 on 11:18 pm
Oh and the snooping through Alex’s stuff in your home. That’s debatable. It’s your home and you have a responsibility to run it. The law even says you could lose your home if it’s involved in say drugs. If Alex was a drug dealer and dealing from from your home you could lose it.

Please don’t think I’m suggesting he is. I am however suggesting I have read articles about grandmother’s loosing their homes because a grandson was living there and dealing. It’s happened and it’s not fair. But that’s reality.

So if stuff is being left in your home, personally I don’t see a problem with looking at it. It’s there and you have a responsibility to running it and even protecting it.

But then that’s me. Right or wrong.
Ana
January 31st, 2010 on 12:26 am
No, U235sentinel, you didn’t misspeak. In fact you didn’t take a position at all other than to enlighten us about cell phones, which I thank you for again. I must have confused you. My comment wasn’t directed to you. I just decided to vent to everyone after you commented, and happen to put the comment there. You had nothing to do with the comment, other than me asking you what you suggest. I’m probably confusing everyone even more now. But, no, that comment wasn’t for you at all. I’m sorry.

Anyway, getting back to now…No, U235sentinel. I don’t think she’ll ever put anymore photos of that nature out there again. I pray I never go off spying again like that either. It was meant to happen though. What our Creator wants revealed no one can conceal and what our Creator wants concealed no one can reveal. So, Alex, Carolinah and I need to determine is what the lessons were in it for all of us.

I can understand the temptation to send photos like that. It can be sensual and seductive, but the risks aren’t worth it. Everyone should definitely see that now. Plus, a lot of media attention has been given to the problem putting provocative photos (without the party’s consent) on the Internet is causing.

About running and protecting the home, I totally agree with you and you’re absolutely right about the scenario you gave about the drug dealer in the home.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
new#3
March 4th, 2010 on 9:46 pm
Oh Ana, Ana, I understand your acting on temptation, totally. In our family our #2 is the “hot to trot” one. She is always flaunting her sexuality in front of the rest of us. It is so infuriating..you can imagine how badly it made me feel while I was undergoing chemo!! In your religion what you did may be considered sinful but in life I think it is a normal thing. My main concern here is that she sent these photos to Alex at 6:30 am while he was still in your home! The nerve of her! Clearly, she suffers from a case of “no boundries.” I hope this all turned out ok.
Ana
March 4th, 2010 on 10:25 pm
New#3, I can certainly understand your frustration with #2 flaunting herself in that way. It was totally thoughtless and mean. We really need to be careful about the mean terrible things that we do as it all comes back to bite us on the … It happens to me all the time. Everytime I’ve done some devious, spiteful, hateful things, I’ve gotten it right back in one way or another to the point where I don’t want to get back anything else. So “hot to trot” may cool herself down sooner or later. You hang on in there though. You’re a real trooper. Stay strong!!!

Oh, I almost forgot to say: In my writings, I’m not always clear on the sequence of events. Carolinah called that morning around 6:30 a.m. She could have thought Alex was on his way to work, which he had just left just moments before the phone rang. Later in the afternoon when I realized his phone was left at home and she had called (her name was on the outside of the phone displayed as the caller with the time) it sparked the temptation for me to enter the phone. The photos I found were actually all from May (eight months prior) right after my anniversary disaster. I just wanted to clarify that for everyone.

And furthermore -New#3 this is not directed to you. It’s just for those who came down hard on me for doing what I did. How many times have you all snooped into something that was none of your business? I know Alex has gone through some of my things that he shouldn’t have. So we shouldn’t be so judgmental. No one knows when someone has repented and they were forgiven. I just had to put that out there.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.