The Relapse Prologue-My Polygamous Life

by Ana on Feb.03, 2010, under Chapter 5, my story today-polygamy

It was three days ago since the incident occurred when I cracked the code to my husband Alex’s cell phone and found partially nude photos of his other wife Carolinah. For those who don’t know, Alex is married to Carolinah and me. We’re polygamous/polygynous.

I had been doing very good in not tormenting Carolinah. I last attacked her eight months ago. Carolinah never defends herself; she just sits back and take it. I can’t say that it is a good thing in Islam or not. My understanding is we should defend ourselves when we are unjustly attacked, and not be cowed. Perhaps Carolinah doesn’t feel the attacks are unjust. Maybe she doesn’t know it’s OK to defend herself. I don’t know. Maybe there’s another Ayat in Quran that I overlooked that applies. I’m willing and want to learn. What I’m about to tell you is what followed my relapse:

Three days later (three days after the incident), it was my turn to be with Alex again. The first evening Alex was here with me, he was his usual kind, calm, gentle self, but distant. I was kind to him and acted as though nothing had happened. I tried to talk with him about the matter and he refused to. He said he wanted to wait until Allah gave him more patience.

The second day, we were pretty much back to normal. I tried to talk with him about the matter again and he did not want to, other than to say I violated his trust. He asked about the photos and I said I deleted them all, which I had done, not long before he came home.

The third day, we went shopping and visited his mom. In our travels, he and I talked about the matter. We talked about our marriage and his to Carolinah. He said he wasn’t going to divorce her or me. He again stressed how I should be the one to try to bring a truce between her and me. You know how that went. Again, it was like beating a dead horse. So nothing was resolved with that.

Alex went to work late the next day. He left in the afternoon. It was a repeat performance of the morning of the incident-He kissed me goodbye and said, “I love you.” I reminded him that the last time he left it was the same thing and he knows what happened. (I hacked his phone and found the photos). We laughed. I said, “I’ll see you soon, Insha Allah” (That night began Carolinah’s turn).

It’s important to note: Alex doesn’t say, “I love you” routinely; so when he says it, I know he means it. It just so happened the last two times he said it, they were similar. Nonetheless, the last three days were pretty much uneventful, which I believe is a good thing. What’s to come should be better, as I’ve spoken with Alex by way of email, and advise him I want us to work on making our marriage better.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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63 comments for this entry:

Amanda
February 3rd, 2010 on 3:19 am
Thanks Ana. And thank you so much for doing this blog. I absolutely love that you are willing to share so much of your personal life, it is amazing and truly fosters a genuine feeling of compassion and “liking” for you! (Especially, when you are so open, even telling us about your self-preceived flaws).And, for the women on this blog living polygamy, you are inspirational to them even if you don’t see it that way. Support for women from women in polygamy is distant and maybe even non-existant in our society, and I think what you are doing is GREAT.

So, to all other bloggers who had a few too many harsh words… remember that you and I are receiving a gift from Ana. And we Love her!!!

Ok, I’m going back to behind the scenes and sending you good vibes all the time.
Peace-
Amanda
Amanda
February 3rd, 2010 on 3:49 am
Does his mom know he has a second wife?
a muslima
February 3rd, 2010 on 9:56 am
Ana,

Alhumdulillah, it seems as though your marriage has escaped this set back unscathed. I never doubted you nor Alex’s ability to move past it.

I’m thinking though, that reaching out to Carolina isn’t a bad idea. What you did to her was wrong and part of asking Allah for forgiveness when you have wronged someone is to also seek the forgiveness of the one you have wronged. It is the sunnah. There are hadith that point to not letting more than 3 days past before speaking to you muslim brother or sister when you have argued and there of course is the wanting for your brother/sister what you want for yourself. Wouldn’t you expect an apology if she did the same thing?

Remember you are a muslim and as such, you are setting an example for Carolina who is supposed to be a new muslim and she has rights over you in that regard. If she doesn’t respond to your apology, that’s fine because you are doing it for Allah first and not for her acceptance. Your first priority is to your own soul and your akhirah and you should put this incident behind you by making tawbah and seeking Allah’s forgiveness and the forgiveness of the one you wronged. Insha Allah, I will post the hadith and ayah that support what I’m saying.

Love you fisibilillah
a muslima
February 3rd, 2010 on 10:08 am
Here it is:

According to a report also narrated by al-Bukhaari from Abu Hurayrah, the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has done wrong to his brother, let him seek his forgiveness, because in the Hereafter there will be no dinar or dirham, and let him ask for his forgiveness before some of his hasanaat are taken and given to his brother, and if he has no hasanaat, some of his brother’s sayi’aat will be taken and thrown onto him.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6053)
CM
February 3rd, 2010 on 11:10 am
Wow! Sometimes you have to give credit when credit is due. It is human nature to defend or attack back when we have been attacked, so I have to admit that I admire the fact Alex and Carolinah have not responded to this situation in a negative way. To me it does speak something positive of their characters. I was very impressed with how Alex responded! I can see why you stay with him. You can tell he really does love you!

All of our experiences, good or bad, give us the oppotunity to learn lessons in life. Ana, I can see that you are trying to learn from these experiences and apply that learning to your life. Once you figure out the lesson from this experience, you can put it all behind you and move forward. I know that is what you will do!

Like I said you have to give credit when credit is due. You didn’t have to share this very personal and painful experience with others and open yourself up to all the “opinions” given, but in doing so I think you are also helping others that are going through similiar situations to learn from your life’s lessons. So I give you lots of credit – cause it’s due!

Take care!
Ana
February 3rd, 2010 on 12:42 pm
As Salaamu Alaikum A Muslima,

I agree with what you have said and I appreciate you sharing from the Hadith. Under normal circumstances in dealing with a Muslim brother or sister, I would have done all that you expounded on and have done that in the past when I’ve wronged one of my Muslims brothers or sisters. My question in this post was with regard defending oneself.

Nonetheless, with regard asking forgiveness of someone I’ve wronged, my situation is entirely different. I don’t know whether Carolinah is a Muslim, as I’ve said before. I have no indication that she is. The only evidence I have of it is that Alex said Carolinah took the Shahadah. Carolinah won’t return the Salaams to me. She didn’t say Salaam to me when addressing me in a text or by way of phone. Alex said to me that he has told her time and again to give me the salaams when I give them to her. He said he showed her in the Quran where Allah tells her to do it, but she refuses.

I reached out to her the other day, again, after this incident, while Alex and I were traveling on the third day together. I did so to apologize and try to come to some meeting of the minds. When I said I was going to do it, Alex didn’t object. I called. Of course she didn’t answer. I went into voice mail.

Alex said to me, he used to tell Carolinah to defend herself. He said he then began to tell her not to respond if I ever texted, as that would upset me more, and she’d be the better person. It’s advice I’ve heard in my days of living, but doesn’t sound like Islamic advice to me.

Question… Did Alex call Carolinah and say Ana tried to reach you, I’m here with her. Pick up the phone and talk to her? No. Did he do it later, when he was alone-tell her I’d call and she should pick up? No. He said he’s not going to be an Ogre. He said he’s not going to make her talk to me.

So, there you have it. Allah says investigate. My investigation doesn’t reveal Carolinah is a Muslim. She refuses to respond to my greetings. She refuses to pickup the phone when I call. Alex refuses to take any firm action to resolve this matter. I am not going to reach out to her anymore. I don’t know anywhere that Allah tells his servant to beg and plead to another.

I argued with Alex. I said be firm, take a position, be a man. I said tell her this is not working, you and Ana need to communicate, if it can’t happen I have to divorce you. He said he not going to do it.

My wali/friend said leave her alone. Carolinah never said she was Muslim. Don’t try to make any more contact with her. She is not of my rank and there is no good in communicating with her.

Thank you A Muslima.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 3rd, 2010 on 1:08 pm
I don’t know if anyone truly understand my frustrations with this polygamous situation. You probably wonder why I keep badgering Carolinah. It’s a terrible thing when polygamy is forced on a person, as it was on me, to have another woman starts sleeping with and taking monies from your husband and she won’t acknowledge you exist. Then on top of it, have a husband who does nothing about it, says he’s helpless in the situation. It’s extremely hurtful and frustrating for me. My husband created this mess and just allows it to exist. Out of anger and frustration I lash out and try to hurt Carolinah any chance I get. It’s not that I want to be friends with her…I just need her to acknowledge the way thing went down wasn’t right, or I know how you feel or something. I guess what I need, what I’m seeking is just too much.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
a muslima
February 3rd, 2010 on 1:22 pm
Thanks for replying Ana…I can only imagine the helpless position you have been put in. I can only imagine the anger and resentment it can create in the heart and you have carried yourself in a mature way despite that. I have so much respect for you.

I will keep you in my dua
Ana
February 3rd, 2010 on 2:31 pm
Amanda, A Muslima, and CM,

Again, I just want to say to you, thank you very much for being here for me. It is a trying time emotionally for me, as nothing appears to have been resolved other than superficially.

If at any time I appear snappy or harsh, I apologize. I get a bit touchy sometimes. I know you all understand.

I agree with you that the blog is probably helping many people, more than I realize. We have a minimum of 600 visitors coming to the blog every day now and I only expect the numbers to increase. Living polygamy is an extremely devastating and traumatic thing for a woman to do. Although it gets better and easier with time, it still becomes emotionally draining and trying for me sometimes, like now. I would assume it gets like that for others, as well. So thank you again and please bear with me.

Amanda,

Yes, Alex’s family and mine know about Alex, Carolinah and my polygamous life. They were made aware of it within a few days after it happened. They are supportive of me, regarding it. Alex’s mother refuses to have anything to do with Carolinah.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Live, Laugh, Love
February 3rd, 2010 on 4:15 pm
Ana, are you happy it came out like this? Were you hoping for a different outcome? A sign for you to move on?

In reading the blog posting and then your comments afterwards, it brings me back to a comment that I left in one of the previous entries.

I don’t doubt that he dos’nt love you. You’ve made it clear that he does and as hurt as you are, you very clearly love him.

I have to wonder how much actual respect he has for you though and I keep going back to the thought in my mind….why is he cracking down on you to do things yet has fully admitted that he won’t force Carolinah to do? Why is it ok for her to not communicate, but it’s not ok for you to do the same? It seems to be a recurrent theme and I feel your frustration, he is not helpless he just chooses to be. I think that issue needs to be addressed head on.

I do agree, he does sound like a good man but sadly, in reading your journey it’s obvious that he either cannot properly handle the polygamous lifestyle or he chooses not to. As hard as this lifestyle is, I have to wonder if there would be more peace in it for everyone involved if there was more equality to it. IMO, Alex can’t seem to find good balance.

Perhaps in time that will change although at this stage of the game, one would have thought that he would have figured the bulk of this out by now. I still have to wonder considering that he has now told you he refuses to divorce Carolinah that when you offered to find him a new wife again, it was just a facade to keep the peace and he had zero intent on following through.

It makes me wonder if he even has any intent on actually trying to grow in his faith?

Stay strong my friend. ((hugs))
Ana
February 3rd, 2010 on 6:18 pm
Live,Laugh,Love,

You raised a very good question about whether Alex had true intentions of divorcing Carolinah and finding another wife. I think he had sincere intentions of doing so when he intially said he would, but after giving it further consideration decided he wouldn’t, simply because he doesn’t want to. He wants both her and me in his life. I was thinking about it ever since he said he wasn’t going to divorce her.

I thought about it more the other day when Haji Rafiq questioned whether Alex was going to take another wife. How foolish I am? Why would Alex want another Muslim wife who is trying to serve Allah when he appears not to want that for himself? When Alex went back and picked up Carolinah again and “married” her, he wasn’t seeking a nice, pious, righteous, virtuous, chaste wife, with good moral character. He sought a wife he was already sexually familiar with, a wife whose characteristics that I mentioned didn’t matter, a wife he was already sexually compatible with as he had already been with her for (three) years without being married to her.

How would he replace Carolinah? He’d have to say, I’m looking for a woman that says she is Muslim and will accept polygamy. She doesn’t have to be righteous, pious, virtuous, or chaste, or have good moral character, the more sexual experience she has had the better; it would help if she considers herself the freak of the week.

Nothing has been resolved by what has taken place over the last week. Alex, Carolinah and I are right back to where we started when he “married” her. I placed my ugly text messages and phone calls to her a couple weeks after they “married”. She did nothing. Alex did nothing. Three years later, it’s still the same thing-me attacking her with text and them doing nothing. I guess they don’t care. They just go off together every three days and get their freak on and their happy.

It’s so easy for me to answer your questions because right before I read them I was resting and contemplating what’s going on here with me. The frustration that I’m experiencing is a result of my wants, desires, and expectations. I’m placing the burden on myself by wanting Carolinah to do something that she doesn’t want and Alex won’t make her. I can’t control what someone else does. To outsiders looking in they probably think I’m irrational, as I’m beginning to see myself as being irrational too. But it’s OK, as it’s becoming so much clearer…What I have to do is STAY FOCUSED ON ME in this marriage and my relationship with Allah and nothing more, not even Alex.

“EsposaDo” if you’re out there. I’m beginning to understand explicitly the frustration that you’ve spoken about in your comments.

Thank you for the questions Live,Laugh,Love. They were right on time. Big ((hugs)) for you my friend!
Live, Laugh, Love
February 3rd, 2010 on 7:38 pm
Ah, you said it again and it’s the same recurrent theme that I see.

They don’t care and they don’t take you into consideration. Period.

I have no doubt that Alex does love you, so please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not trying to discount his feelings or to tell you how he feels or even how you feel. But he seems to have absolutely little to no respect for you at all. If he did, he would be taking your feelings into consideration just as he seems to be doing for Carolinah and I fail to see where he has done that.

What makes her so darn special that she is allowed to get away with it all? He cows to her and babies her while (what seems like constantly) trying to control and enforce that you do the right thing. If I were in your shoes, honestly I am such a fighter that I would have it out with him just on that alone. He needs to grow up where this is concerned and treat you both equally.

As I said, Alex does not seem to know how to balance this out. It’s beyond a time schedule. It’s that he allows one wife to practically get away with murder while insisting that the other do the right thing and he wonders why this is so stressful? It’s enough to make anyone want to tear their hair out.

I agree, stay focused on you and your faith. It’s sad and a real shame that he seems to have no real desire or intent on doing the same.
Ana
February 3rd, 2010 on 9:13 pm
A Muslima,

As Salaamu Alaikum!

I want you to know my intention is to apologize to Carolinah for what I’ve taken her through, if she ever does reach out to me. I’m assuming Alex advised her that he was with me when I telephoned her to apologize and talk with her the other day.

I thank you for the reminder, as we are supposed to remind one another. I especially thank you for being graceful and kind, while doing so. I pray Allah blesses you immensely for giving dower and in all the good that you do.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 3rd, 2010 on 9:37 pm
Live,Laugh,Love

I’m totally baffled. I don’t know why Alex is so fixated on protecting Carolinah at the expense of making things right. It is like he wants me to promise him that I won’t attack or harm her, if she contacts me. Well, he should know I can’t make promises in Islam. I can only tell him what my intentions are. She’s a grown woman, with children and a home. Is there possibly anything I could say to her that I haven’t already said that would hurt her more or send her over the edge? It’s simply bizarre. It certainly is enough to make a person pull their hair out.

What I get from Alex is: I try to protect her and I try to protect you. You say you’re not going to talk to her and she says she’s not going to talk to you. And then he throws in my face that I’m Muslim for all these years and she’s not so I should reach out to her. We’re just talking about saying As Salaamu Alaikum and she and I talking to each other. What does years in Islam have to do with that? We learn how to say hi when we’re toddlers. Saying Salaam is simply saying peace. She needs years in Islam to be able to hold a conversation with another Muslim?

My thoughts regarding Alex are: Well, hello, when you’re in a polygamous situation, you don’t wait for the wives to come to an agreement. You stand up as a man, are firm, take a position and make decisions. What has he done to try to make anything right in our polygamous marriage other than sit in it and talk about what he can’t do? I have to vent because talking to Alex about this, I only get back from him exactly what I’ve told you above.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Live, Laugh, Love
February 3rd, 2010 on 10:08 pm
I hear you…go ahead and vent away! You are in a no- win situation unless Alex finally has a lightbulb moment and decides to do what is right and just between the wives to make things more balanced and at peace. After all, our lives are spent making constant choices.

I had a thought after I posted last and hopefully it does not sound to crude. It was after I read what you wrote about them going and getting their freak on for 3 days. It made me wonder if perhaps Alex just views this as a big sex game and can feel justified doing it by slapping the Muslim title to it?

His point of view seems skewed to me, off kilter because overall I get the sense that he is really trying to control you in this situation by using the Muslim faith to do it with, but with her, she can do as she pleases. She cries, he babies her. You cry, he seems to blame you for the situation and then gets controlling. To me he is like Jekyll and Hyde.

I can’t say whether she is truly converted or not. That is for God to know the condition of her heart and his for that matter, but her actions scream otherwise. You are right though. Years are nothing when it comes to conversations even small ones. Even new converts would be more polite and say their greetings than what Carolinah has extended towards you in the years that she has supposedly been converted. She chooses not to communicate because Alex had made that promise to her that she did not have to. I fail to see why he is constantly expecting you to reach out to her when he very clearly told her she did not have to communicate with you from the get-go. As I can imagine, it is just putting more of an awkward strain on things between you and him. I also think that considering he gave his word to her, it is up to him to fix it. Why should you have to clean up his mess?

Honestly…I really don’t get Alex and his way of thinking and I will admit to that. He could do this so much more easily in so many different ways for a more happy and peaceful existance than what he is currently putting the three of you through.

This situation is reminding me of a spoiled child that does not want to give up his toy.
Donald
February 4th, 2010 on 2:10 am
Alex wants peace and harmony in his life. He wants both of you to be happy, because a happy wife is much easier to live with than a discontented one. When an event like this happens, he doesn’t have peace and harmony — he has major stress (in both his homes). So how does he deal with it? Well, since you’re the one breaking into phones and sending hurtful texts, Alex perceives YOU as the cause of the problem. So of course, he expects you to fix it. Men really aren’t that complicated!

What Alex needs to understand is what you wrote here:

“I don’t know if anyone truly understand my frustrations with this polygamous situation. You probably wonder why I keep badgering Carolinah. It’s a terrible thing when polygamy is forced on a person, as it was on me, to have another woman starts sleeping with and taking monies from your husband and she won’t acknowledge you exist. Then on top of it, have a husband who does nothing about it, says he’s helpless in the situation. It’s extremely hurtful and frustrating for me. My husband created this mess and just allows it to exist. Out of anger and frustration I lash out and try to hurt Carolinah any chance I get. It’s not that I want to be friends with her…I just need her to acknowledge the way thing went down wasn’t right, or I know how you feel or something.”

Spoken with wonderful clarity!! Alex needs to see that ALEX is the cause of all this. Until that happens, he will keep expecting you to fix everything. Whether he verbalizes it or not, deep down I think that is what he expects. We can be very big on our rights, to where they become more the focus than our responsibilities. He thinks he has a right to live his life this way because Islam allows it and… well gosh, it’s been years since he promised you he wouldn’t marry another wife. Haven’t you forgotten about that promise by now Ana??

I’m not saying Alex is a horrible person. In some ways he seems like a nicer guy than I am. But like most of us, he’s selfish. It’s a rare person who can really put the needs of someone else above their own.

One more possible factor to Alex’s apparently unbalanced treatment of you and Carolinah… I think Alex sees you as strong, able to defend yourself. Not Carolinah. It does sound like he uses your Muslim faith against you as you and LLL have been discussing, but there has to be more to it. Perhaps you and Carolinah have different ways of dealing with conflict? I’m only hypothesizing, so forgive me if I’m wrong — but where you tend to become fired up and in his face, to where Alex feels backed into a corner, perhaps Carolinah does more pouting and retreating, which makes Alex pursue her rather than back away. If that picture resonates at all, try to picture that in physical terms — imagine you chasing Alex and him chasing Carolinah. Who’s leading the way? Who’s coming last? Where is Alex’s focus? Where is his energy being invested?
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 2:58 am
Actually Donald, I think you are correct. Alex does want me to fix the problem. He realizes he made the mess. He has acknowledged that, but he doesn’t want to fix it. He’s not going to take a stand and make Carolinah call me. And if I call her, she won’t answer. He won’t or can’t make her answer. He could tell her that if she doesn’t try to make this polygamous thing work, he’ll divorce her. But he won’t divorce her. He promised her that he’d never divorce her. He won’t divorce me either. So what does he do? Nothing.

Alex is the type of person that won’t leave a relationship. He’d prefer the other person does it. Meaning, he has no intention of divorcing Carolinah or me. I could make his life easier and divorce him. I think he would find great relief in it if I do. But why should I. Life isn’t that unbearable with him. Yes I’m discontented and frustrated at times, but that’s marriage. Whose marriage is blissful all the time? I’m getting my needs met. There’s just another person encrouching on my territory and I don’t like it.

There are other things going on too; I’ll admit. I’m not going to walk away and let her have him to herself. I’m not going to make a decision for him either. Too bad he can’t make a decision. So, I’m here to stay, as far as I can see, until one of us dies, or he divorces me. Perhaps, I’ll get a wake up call and he’ll divorce me. Since we have a legal contract (Contracts are acceptable in Islam and are to be honored) I see it being one of those dragged out, bitter, nasty divorces. By time I get done with Alex, he’ll be penury and tired. Carolinah probably won’t even want him anymore. Does that sound mean?

I agree; I’m probably a stronger person than Carolinah. Many men do tend to lean towards women who need them more.

Thanks for your insight Donald!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Haji Rafiq
February 4th, 2010 on 4:20 am
Well, let’s face it: we polygamist husbands are the most faithful husbands. We just cannot let you go, and we keep coming back home.
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 4:29 am
Now that is really sweet! Overall, you guys are pretty nice.

What’s your take on what’s going on with Alex, based on what you know? Do you think he wants me to divorce him so he could get out of this predicament?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 5:38 am
Squash that one Haji Rafiq. No need to speculate.

Insha Allah, everything’s good with your two wife. I’ll make duah for you all. Please do so for me

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
safa
February 4th, 2010 on 8:06 am
I don’t understand why you insist in having a relationship with his wife.You can go on with your life,leave them alone,enjoy your marriage,as it seems you don’t want to divorce him, giving him his freedom seems worse to you than suffering in this relationship.

Being patient and ignoring the attacks of others is recommendable in Islam
.Remember the story where a jewish woman would throw her garbage at our prophet’s(pbuh) door everyday, and how he never did anything, just was patient….
Just as it is important to believe in the mercy and forgiveness of Allah, it is also necessary to base human relations on forgiveness.
We cannot expect Allah’s forgiveness unless we also forgive those who do wrong to us.
Forgiving each other, even forgiving one’s enemies is one of the most important Islamic teaching. In the Qur’an Allah has described the Believers as “those who avoid major sins and acts of indecencies and when they are angry they forgive.” (al-Shura 42:37)
Later in the same Surah Allah says, “The reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon Allah.” (al-Shura 42:40) In another place the Qur’an says, “If you punish, then punish with the like of that wherewith you were afflicted.

But if you endure patiently, indeed it is better for the patient. Endure you patiently. Your patience is not except through the help of Allah (al-Nahl 16:126-127)
safa
February 4th, 2010 on 8:08 am
This surah supports Carolinah not defending herself..
a muslima
February 4th, 2010 on 9:26 am
Ana and Live, Laugh, Love

I don’t agree with you when you say Alex protects or babys Carolina while demanding more from Ana. We don’t know what is going on in their home and we don’t know how he manages his relationship with Carolina. For all we know, she could have been cursing him out and demanding that he “handle” Ana or divorce her when she got the texts from Ana. He could be over there telling her to suck it up and making excuses for Ana’s behavior in defense of her. Carolina may be thinking why does he always protect and baby Ana and not stand his ground and be a man make her stop these things. All I’m saying is before we jump to the conclusion that he is protecting Carolina and not Ana, we only know and see one side of the story and we can’t make assuptions without the full picture.
Judith
February 4th, 2010 on 11:50 am
A Muslima:
Everything you just said; that is the essence of humility. But it is more than humility. It is also the basis of honest intelligence; acknowledging what one doesn’t know.
Heather
February 4th, 2010 on 12:38 pm
Feel free to ignore me, just popping in to add abit about divorce.

If you divorce Alex you can use the Polygamy as a reason, which can totally screw him and Carolina. PLUS since he is on her house, you can make him sell the house and you get half of it. Plus if your in a state with alimony you can make him pay you for a long time.

Just some thoughts going through my head. Feel free to ignore them. lol
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 12:47 pm
As Salaamu Alaikum Safa,

Thank you for sharing the story of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) with me and the Iyats from the Quran. I appreciate it much and pray Allah SWT blesses you immensely for it.

You said: “I don’t understand why you insist in having a relationship with his wife.” I was always a firm believer that the wives of a husband do not have to befriend or communicate with each other. What I’m going through is just a personal thing that I NEED TO COME TO TERMS WITH WITHIN MYSELF. I don’t need to have a relationship with Carolinah and I don’t want one. I tried to explain yesterday in a previous comment why I’m persistent in my need to speak with her. In the comment I wrote:

“I don’t know if anyone truly understand my frustrations with this polygamous situation. You probably wonder why I keep badgering Carolinah. It’s a terrible thing when polygamy is forced on a person, as it was on me, to have another woman starts sleeping with and taking monies from your husband and she won’t acknowledge you exist. Then on top of it, have a husband who does nothing about it, says he’s helpless in the situation. It’s extremely hurtful and frustrating for me. My husband created this mess and just allows it to exist. Out of anger and frustration I lash out and try to hurt Carolinah any chance I get. It’s not that I want to be friends with her…I just need her to acknowledge the way thing went down wasn’t right, or I know how you feel or something. I guess what I need, what I’m seeking is just too much.”

I communicated with Alex by email the other day and he stressed the need for me to forgive him. You are right. I need to forgive. Long ago, so many friends here on the blog have stressed the importance of forgiveness and basically, I didn’t focuse on it. Now it seems the concept of forgiveness is in my face. I need to forgive and be kind.

Thank you again Safa and for commenting

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 1:01 pm
Heather, trust me. All of what you said registered in my brain at the onset of this situation. It could get really nasty. I now know the meaning of the term “bitter divorce.” In Islam divorce isn’t supposed to be that way. Divorce is easy, as Allah will provide for both parties. Alex and I complicated matters by having a legal marriage contract (contracts are acceptable and to be honored in Islam.)

I’m hoping it doesn’t come to divorce for Alex and me. I think were making headway, especially if I can do what I’m instructed to do and forgive. It’s an especially good day today.

I thank Allah much! You have a good day too Heather and thank you for commenting.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 1:23 pm
A Muslima, you have a point there. I have only to look back at some of the situations in the past to know that everything’s not all peaceful and tranquil over there. Remember, they argued for three days straight, back in May ‘09, and she tried to throw him out. In the past when she and I briefly communicated by text, she said, “He’s harder on me (Carolinah) than he is on you (me/Ana).” She also said Alex shows “favoratism” to me. Alex advised me that he tries to protect her and me. So what you depicted could very well be the state of affairs, A Muslima; we just don’t know. As you said, we’re only getting one side of the story, mine, which is the only part I know.

I like what Judith said, as well: “It is also the basis of honest intelligence; acknowledging what one doesn’t know.” A Muslima, you hit the nail on the head when you indicated-we don’t know. We’re very quick to take a position without having all the facts. I’m enjoying this conversation. I enjoy learning and growing in understanding.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 2:02 pm
Haji Rafiq,

You may be interested in knowing someone put the term “haji rafiq blog” in the search engine and accessed polygamy 411. There are people out there who likes you. Again, I just want to let all our blog friendly friends know that many, many people are accessing your sites daily from the “Blog Friends of Polygamy 411″ link.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Live, Laugh, Love
February 4th, 2010 on 2:50 pm
A Muslima, you are very correct. I only see one part of the story out of three and that is through Ana’s eyes.

Thank you for the reminder. :^)
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 3:16 pm
I humbly admit I’ve made some mistakes in my writings. I’ve been putting the word “dower” where “dawah/da’wah” should be; although I thought it wasn’t correct when was writing it. So please excuse me.

Anyway, for all who don’t know, as there are many non-Muslims here, Da’wah is: Inviting to the way of submission and surrender to Allah. Du’aah/Duah: The act of supplication to Allah. I was using the word “Dower”. Dower: Sum of money to be paid to a wife in consideration of marriage. I was way off base

Everyone, there are quite a few Arabic words I’m not familiar with. I may ask you what they mean from time to time; although I may feel like a dunce. It will be a humbling experience for me.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
a muslima
February 4th, 2010 on 4:00 pm
Ana,

Have you read the book ” From Monogamy To Polygyny; A Way Through”? If not, I STRONGLY recommend you buy it and read it. It sheds a different light on how to handle and accept polygyny as a muslim woman, even if you aren’t living it (polygyny).

It may be a nice ice breaker if you purchased a copy of the book for Carolina as well amd gave it to her through your husband as a gift.
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 4:38 pm
Yes, A Muslima,

I read the book. I thought it was excellent. It did really help me TREMENDOUSLY, during the most trying time of my life with this. It seemed as though as soon as I read it life became bearable for me and I felt I could make it through this thing. People really must live polygamy in order to understand what it’s like.

As for Carolinah, that’s a nice thought A Muslima, but I don’t see it happening right now. I’ll keep an open mind though for it to happen in the future. It would be a “nice ice breaker.”

I love you fisibiAllah!
Heather
February 4th, 2010 on 8:17 pm
You know if Alex is always telling you to reach out to Carolina, Perhaps tell him that it is now up to him. If he wants you two to talk and be civil, you are willing, but that he NEEDS to make Carolina willing as well, or to stop telling you to reach out.

Perhaps he should plan a small trip, where you two women meet face to face in neutral settings and talk in civil manner. If Carolina isn’t willing, then she is not willing to make it work at all and needs to be set out of the marriage.

Just some thoughts, perhaps mention it to Alex.
Ana
February 4th, 2010 on 10:07 pm
When Alex and I were last together traveling to his mom’s he mentioned he could arrange for Carolinah and me to meet, but said he wouldn’t do it out of concern for how it may go. On a few ocassions when we discussed it he said he could have her call me, but needed to be assured I wouldn’t say anything hurtful to her. Alex wants guarantees, which I can’t give him. I can only tell him what my intentions are. There are no guarantees in life and I don’t believe in making promises; I can only make my intentions and say they would be good.

I think I need to just let it go, and not expect anything from her. Satan’s isn’t on me right now, so it’s easy to do at the moment. I just have to keep Satan off me. I must work on not having expectations.

I could understand it would be difficult for Carolinah to open up to me after all she’s been through, especially the recent humiliation regarding the photos. I would never have wanted anyone other than Alex to see those photos, if I were her. I think she never expected anyone would. For her rival (me) to see them must have been mortifying and that’s an understatement.

I remind myself of what I dislike in my older sister. She has this thing going on where she wants my mom to be a certain way with her, but my mom’s just my mom. My mom is who she is. My sister can’t let it go and suffers a lot of mental anguish over it. I realized today that I’m behaving the same way with Carolinah, which is not right. Our expectations cause us disappointment and unhappiness.

So, we’ll see how things go. I appreciate your thoughts Heather. Let’s see what happens

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Camille Mills
February 5th, 2010 on 12:24 am
As-Salaam Alaikum

Ana from the beginning Carolina never wanted to talk to you she was not ready to talk to you, but she was ready to cohabit with your husband. Most of these women choose to be a second wife if that is the only way they can get your husband. She told you she slept with him before marriage and that shows you she is immoral and Alex should have been furious. Suspose he had lost his cell phone that is disgusting that she would pose nude. You have a right to be uncomfortable and annoyed with this situation. What gets me brothers some of them have no job no money but 2 or more wives. Most of them do it for sexual pleasure and that is the way it is. I have experienced the disrespect in my marriage from a married woman who was fooling around with my husband. I beg Allah for forgiveness that if I kick her butt she is not seriously hurt. Hang in there Ana. Some of these women got game.
Rebeckah
February 5th, 2010 on 1:11 am
I have two observations.

The first is that when Alex requests that you “reach out” to Carolinah an appropriate response might be; “I have and she does not recipocrate. When she is willing to meet me halfway then I will attempt again.” and leave it at that. Carolinah’s trepidation is understandable, given your expressed anger in the past, but your dislike of rejection (which is what Carolinah’s actions amount to) is also quite understandable and reasonable.

My second observation is that is seems massively wrong to me to blame Carolinah for this painful situation. Yes, she agreed to “marry” Alex and contributed to this situation, but Alex is truly the only person who is REALLY responsible for the state of affairs. He wants his cake and eat it too, essentially. He has hurt you deeply, but he wants you to be happy with him and accept his betrayal (and make no mistake, it was a deep betrayal as he knew how you felt about polygamy). Your anger with Carolinah certainly understandable, but I believe it is greater than it might normally be because you have added the anger you feel towards Alex and can’t express properly to him to it. I suspect you still need to work on that anger and on the feelings of betrayal you undoubtedly have towards Alex before you attempt any work on your feelings towards Carolinah.

Of course, I don’t know polygyny and don’t claim any special counseling experience. However, I know a thing or two about anger and anger redirected at a “safer” target. So there’s my two cents worth.

Best wishes to you for an amicable resolution and a more tranquil life.
Ana
February 5th, 2010 on 1:15 am
Camille Mills, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

A big welcome to polygamy 411. I’m happy you’re here, and especially glad you’ve commented. I needed to hear what you said. YOU’VE GOT THE FACTS ALL STRAIGHT. I’ve been saying the same thing over and over and over again and sometimes I thing I’m just not being clear. But I guess I was. Yes! That’s exactly the point I’ve been trying to make; she made it known that she wasn’t ready for me, but was ready for my husband. Yet some people still ask, “Why are you bothering her. Leave her alone. She don’t have to talk to you. That’s her husband.” It infuriates me so badly. It’s blatant disrespect. No woman should just move in on someone’s husband that way. Those same people who say it was OK, let it happen to them and see how they react. It so easy to say what some one should or shouldn’t do when they’re not in the situation. I am so happy to know there is another person who understands. You understand. Thank you for that!!!

I’m going to hang in there. You do the same too. Try to refrain from kicking any butt (LOL) And let’s continue to watch out for the game

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 5th, 2010 on 1:53 am
Hi Rebeckah,

I always value your two cents. They are always welcome. What you’ve said is what my wali/friend has been trying to convince me of. He said I have no reason to take out my frustrations on Carolinah and be angry with her. He said Alex went back to that woman, and brought her into our lives. This is true, but I can’t seem to remove those negative, derogatory, venomous feelings I have for her. I was furious with Alex when it happened and still harbor negative feeling towards him about it to date. I see the validity in what my wali/friend and you say, but it doesn’t take away the deep rooted hate and anger that I have for her.

I know what the problem is, Islamically speaking; I haven’t truly accepted Allah’s decision. I haven’t accepted that it was Allah’s decision-that He wrote the script. Of course I can’t be angry with Allah; that would be crazy. So who can I be angry with? The answer is for me to truly believe that Allah is the doer of all things. He created everything in perfect proportion and He does what is best for me. Until I accept those facts, I believe I’ll have misdirected anger.

Thank you for your comment Rebeckah. It made me once again realize the TRUTH of the matter, which I so easily forget.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
UmmAbdurrahman
February 5th, 2010 on 2:39 am
I’ve been reading your blog periodically for a long time, but I don’t believe I’ve ever commented.

The only thing I will say is that I wonder why you insist that Carolinah act islamically(defending herself or whatever else you believe is required) in the face of your complete unislamic behavior.

You were wrong in hacking his phone. You were wrong in keeping the pics and sending messages to her. You were wrong in many other instances as well and your justification of “i don’t see any inclination that she is muslim” is really no justification at all. Even if she isn’t muslim he is allowed to be married to her, and you’re only hurting yourself by constantly obsessing over her or their relationship.

Your husband is the one that owes you an explanation not her. I feel, from your writings, that even if you get what you want it may not leaving you feeling the way you expect so be careful what you ask for dear.

salamu alaikum
Donald
February 5th, 2010 on 7:13 am
I agree with Rebeckah. I think I’ve said it before — your monogamous marriage covenant was with Alex, not Carolinah. He’s the one that made a promise to you, and he’s the one that broke it. If Alex thinks it so important for you to meet and be friends, why didn’t he suggest that BEFORE he went ahead and married her? It’s like, ‘Oops… too late now — I’ve made a promise never to divorce her.’ ‘What, like the promise you made not to take a second wife?’ (I even used the ‘eat your cake and have it’ saying too in one of my comments… only now I look back and see I actually didn’t! Must have got cut in my editing.)

Oh Ana, I hate to hear you talk like God made all this happen to you. I know neither of us want to get into a theological debate… But please, see that we all here on this earth have choices. Sometimes we make good ones, and sometimes we make bad ones. God warns us that when we make bad choices there are usually bad consequences. That is what happened. The pain you’re all going through is a consequence of some bad choices (for which I believe Alex is mostly responsible) — broken promises, unfaithfulness, secrecy, etc.

Please listen… You mention ‘misdirected anger’… Ana, all you’re going to end up with is suppressed anger if you try to rationalize it all as God’s will for you. You will want to feel angry at God but suppress it out of religious fear. Emotions like anger are a sign that something is wrong. Okay, it can sometimes mean your own attitude is wrong, but deep down you know you’ve been wronged. Say it with me… ‘I have been wronged. I have been hurt. It was unfair.’ It wasn’t God who wronged you. God loves you and it hurts him to see you hurt this way. God might be the master playwright, but the actors have departed the script — they’re ad-libbing, and it’s not often pretty.

My older, wiser mentor took me through a process of actually expressing my anger — letting it out in a safe way and letting it go. I hope you can do the same too. Try it… When no one else is in the house, and with all the windows shut so no one can hear you, talk to Alex. Talk to Carolinah. Shout at them even! Tell them how you feel about what they did. Don’t hold back. Don’t pretend. I promise you, it’s okay. It’s a much healthier way of expressing your raw emotions than sending hurtful text messages.

If you recognize thoughts and feelings inside of you that you know are not right, then in a quieter moment, confess those things to God and ask for forgiveness. He’s on your side. He wants your life to get better. I pray he will show you the way, and that you’ll choose to follow — even if it means taking a huge and scary leap of faith and embracing change.
Ana
February 5th, 2010 on 9:58 am
Ummabdurrahman,

As Salaamu Alaikum! Welcome to polygamy 411 and thank you for commenting.

I said from day one of writing the post about what happened that I was wrong. That was already established at the onset of the writing. We’ve been discussing the importance of recognizing wrong when it happens, and asking Allah for forgiveness, which Allah says to do.

The purpose of me writing this blog is to share with everyone how my life with polygamy began, what has happened in my life with regard to it. Perhaps people could benefit from knowing of my experience what to avoid, what to do, not to do, be prepared for and possibly expect etc. etc. Some people living polygamy are having an extremely difficult time dealing with polygamy as I am. When I began living polygamy, I had no one to turn to and knew no one that practiced it. Do you know anyone who entered polygamy with ease, happiness and perfection?

If you read my blog, you will see I wrote a post about being careful for what you ask for. I think the title was, “I asked Allah for Polygamy,but didn’t know it.”

Thank you again for Ummabdurrahman.

This is an open. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 5th, 2010 on 5:01 pm
Hi there Donald,

You made some very sound points. I can’t agree with you on some of the things you’ve said, as some of what you said is contrary to Islam. So, I’ll leave those things alone so we could avoid a theological debate.

I’ll have you know my girlfriend tried what you mentioned and it worked. She drove off to a secluded area and, with the windows rolled up, just began screaming. She said it was amazing how much stress and anger it relieved. I think I’m a bit too self-conscious to carry that one out. In my yoga routine and meditation there are exercises that I do that have a similar result, but are not verbal; they involve thoughts and physical movements. It works really good for me.

Donald, I truly believe God is on my side and wants my life to be better, which is why He gives me these trials, which is why He has given me polygamy. I think everything that has happened has helped me become better. Thanks for the advice Donald.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 5th, 2010 on 5:24 pm
Camille, As Salaamu Alaikum!

I forgot to mention, I’m familiar with stories of brothers that have no jobs or money, but have two or more wives. There are many in neighboring cities where I reside. They have their wives living on the welfare system. The brothers go to the Halal stores with their wives “Family First” card/welfare cards and make purchases.

It seems marriage for them is like dating with the label “marriage” slapped over it. (I think I borrowed someones words. Were they your LLL?) They abuse the easiness of the marriage and divorce procedure to the point marriage and divorce becomes like a revolving door. The least little thing that doesn’t go their way, they divorce and remarry, or if they just get plain tired of the woman and want a new adventure.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Donald
February 5th, 2010 on 10:36 pm
Hey Ana

Thank you for that response. I should be fair… even Christian theologians disagree over the nature of ‘predestination’ and ‘free will’, since there are verses in the Bible that seem to support both. It would be entirely presumptuous of me to say I understand how God achieves his purposes while simultaneously allowing sinful man free will. That’s a real mind bender! I don’t know what the Quran says on this matter, but I’d be interested if you feel like sharing. (Not for a debate, but just so I can understand where you’re coming from better.)

So really, I don’t know… Perhaps God has allowed you to suffer these trials for a purpose. It still doesn’t make what Alex did right, it doesn’t mean your feelings of anger are completely unjustified, and it doesn’t mean that you have to just lie back and suck it up. You have choices. You have the power to change your life in positive ways — in ways that are good to Ana and pleasing to God.

Let me use a simple example… Let’s say Alex leaves the electric stovetop on after cooking dinner. Then as you’re tidying up the kitchen later, you innocently place your hand on the hotplate. Was it God’s will for this to happen? Who knows. What I DO know is that you’re smart enough to not just sit there with your hand burning away on the stove! You remove your hand instantly and run it under cold water — because you care about yourself. Then you probably have words to Alex about leaving the stove on!

I know life isn’t usually that simple. My point is, you gotta see your life as something YOU can change. Depression is being in a bad situation and feeling powerless to change it. That’s all I’m really trying to say. I want you to capture a vision (from God) of what your life can truly be. When you have that vision, you can work towards it, with hope and purpose.

I’m glad your life has been getting better and that good things have come from these trials. You now have all these online friends for one thing! It’s still, in many ways, not a good situation though. I just think you deserve better and I’m cheering for you as best I know how.

Don
Judith
February 6th, 2010 on 2:24 am
Don and Ana,
In contrast to a theologian, I think that a psychologist, who is interested in morality, sanity, and happiness, would address the dilemma of free will this way: what is in the past, could not have been any other way, but the exact role of free will, in matters of the future, is not known.
Ana
February 6th, 2010 on 3:07 am
Hey There Don,

I know this all gets confusing for us sometimes. I’m not quite sure where to begin in explaining from an Islamic point of view. First, I just want to make clear to everyone that what I say below is my PERSONAL views and I am not speaking on behalf of all Muslims or Islam.

Islam is submission to Allah’s will. He controls the Heavens and the Earth. Not a leaf falls from the tree but by His leave, with His permission. We have limited free will to worship Him or not. Everything has already been written for us in a Book of decree. We just don’t know what it is. Although it was written by Allah, we are still held accountable for what we do, think, and feel. Allah doesn’t let people haphazardly go about their business doing whatever they want and just watch. Allah already determined who is going to Paradise and who is going to the Hell Fire. Allah says exercise patience in all that betides us. Why? …Because he has a plan and if we patiently persevere, we will prevail.

I think “A Muslima” gave an excellent summary of my situation when she said: “From what I have read Alex gives Ana her rights, he takes care of house and home, and he seems like a good husband in general. THE ONLY ISSUE HERE IS POLYGYNY AND THE STRUGGLE THAT COMES WITH IT. Advise her to be patient, to make dua, to take her issues to Allah…don’t make her question her commitment to her marriage. For those of you who are pointing out Alex’s Islamic weaknesses…what is your point? Divorce isn’t the sollution. Remember the story or Pharoah’s wife, Assiyah, in the Quran? Her husband was a kaafir who murdered thousands of men and yet, she didn’t divorce him even when she accepted Islam. She remained patient in the face of adversity and Allah has promised her a loftly place in heaven. And remember the story of Hajar, the wife of Prophet Ibrahim, she did not request a divorce when the prophet left her and her son in the desert and didn’t return to them. She was patient and trusted Allah first, then her husband. They are the best of us and it is to their example that we should look to in situations of hardship. Running is the easy thing to do. However, Ana, imagine the barakah you receive by being patient and steadfast through your struggle and turmoil. Remember Allah has said He is with those who are patient and persevere and that all our harship is a mercy and an expiation of sins.”

I don’t see myself as being powerless, in a defeatist position. I see myself as exercising patience with Allah’s decision. Whatever Alex has done wrong, he has not wronged me; he wronged his own soul. What I did to Carolinah, I didn’t wrong her; I wronged my own soul. When I went into Alex’s phone, I didn’t wrong Alex; I wronged my own soul.

Regarding the analogy that you gave about the stove, I think that’s more of an accident, and removing the hand was a natural response. However, a Believer whose hand was burned probably would not have had a word with Alex about his carelessness in leaving the stove on. For instance, she would have just said,, “Alhumduallah” (Praise be to God), as it was God’s will the stove was left on and she would have been thankful to Allah that the injury was not far worse. An Unbeliever would probably have responded something like: “You stupid idiot; why did you leave the stove on? You made me burn my hand. You could have burned down the house. Be more careful-JERK.”

I think a prime example is Abraham’s son. When Abraham advised his son that he had to be sacrificed, the son was cool with it. He was willing to submit to Allah’s will. The son didn’t say: “Dad, are you freakin crazy??? You’re going to do what? I don’t think so. I have choices. I have a say in this…and ran for dear life.

I hope it gave you a little better understanding of where I’m coming from.

Don, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to rehearse all the above, as it has helped me to remember.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 6th, 2010 on 3:20 am
Judith,

I’m tracking with that one. I think the psychologist and I would be on the same page.

Now, I’m going to try to get some sleep. Judith, what are you still doing up? Good night and sweet dreams!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Zainab
February 7th, 2010 on 10:40 am
Ana, ive been thinking,
many people are saying that you are wrong to be “harrassing” carol the way you are, that it is alex’ fault that you are in this situation..I beg to differ!!

sure it is somewhat his fault but at the end of the day it was carol who accepted his proposal, if she had just said no, it would just have been another bad idea that may never have materialized in alex’ mind. yes, what you did was wrong but you have realized your mistake and you are willing to make right your wrongs. but lets face it, if carol doesnt bother reaching out to you to express how she feels about what you have done it just shows that she is obviously used to this sort of thing (i highly doubt this is the first time shes “dabbled” in images of pornographic nature) if someone attacks you and they are wrong then its only natural to defend yourself, if not then you should take whatever comes you way.

It would be better for you to just leave her alone but you cant restrain yourself ALL the time, not everyone can be so unaffected by actions as a certain 2nd wife we know, personally to me it seems your at your happiest when alex is away which is a good thing! who needs a man i too prefer my own company, i could sit by myself ALL DAY and just laugh, i love thinking the things i do, although not always pure and righteous but i cant be all the time

And also i’ve been thinking!! you should “rock” alex’ world “harder” so to speak. just to motivate some reaction out of him ^_^ get high on magic coffee one afternoon, i highly doubt in his eyes it could knock you down a notch =*_*=

salaam
Ana
February 7th, 2010 on 1:31 pm
As Salaamu Alaikum Zainab,

What I am slowly, but surely beginning to realize is that everyone act out of their own self interest. Most of the time, people do exactly what is best for him/herself, regardless of the effects it has on other people, especially in the case of polygamy. A 2nd, 3rd, or 4th potential wife is not going to turn down the opportunity to have a husband, unless she hates polygamy. Otherwise, she going to take that man’s offer and become his wife without so much as batting an eye. She could give a flying XXXX about how a first wife feels, as all she cares about is self…bottom line. It is good that laws are being implemented, affording 1st wives the right to be informed by the husband that he’s going to take another wife, and given an option to divorce, if she can’t accept it.

It’s interesting that you should mention Carolinah is probably used to that type of thing , as she didn’t defend herself. I think there is a lot more going on with Carolinah that we just aren’t aware of. I agree with you 100% that it is a natural inclination for a person to defend oneself when wronged unless they restrain themselves out of a sense of piety, which we all know is not the case with Carolinah.

When I spoke with Alex’s ex-wife about Carolinah, his ex-wife said she thinks Alex likes Carolinah, as she lets him do whatever he wants to her. I think her personality is to let people abuse/take advantage of her and it’s been that way all her life. For one she is extremely unattractive, which may account for her inferiority complex. I think she uses sex to compensate for her shortcomings.

I think you are a very mature and wise young woman for a 16 year old. I think your advice to me to leave Carolinah alone is sound and very good. I intend not to bother her again, and ask Allah to allow me to follow through with with my intention.

I’m glad you’re happy Zainab and content with life. As long as you stay focused on Allah and keep reading Quran, you’ll be OK. I just have a feeling Allah is going to make life bright and beautiful for you, as you are a special young lady.

And Zainab, I intend to take some Magic Power Coffee on my little mini vacation with Alex to the tropics this week and, as you suggested, “rock” Alex’s world “harder” so to speak You are a sweetheart! Continue to be good and happy!

Salaam!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
EgyptianLovingAmerican
February 7th, 2010 on 6:52 pm
Ana,
I have been thinking of ways that I could accept polygamy. Really, I can’t think of any.
The reality is that it will likely come to a do or die stand-off. (Actually, we are there, no one has said it out loud.)
Here is the potential compromise. He says he won’t divorce. If he is married on paper only, then I can accept polygamy. Does this mean I am weakening in my position; maybe. Is there even such a thing? Religiously speaking?

As I read all of your comments, it reminds me of my thoughts way before reading your blog for the first time.
I am afraid I will be mean to her. I think she is a very week, subordinate type woman.
Is this mean streak, human nature? In the grand scheme of things I want her eliminated as a threat, if there is such a thing. I will use your words: I don’t give a flying XXXX how she gets out of the picture, but as long as there is paper connecting them, she’s not far away. They have 1 child anyway, so she will never be too far removed.
——-
Tell me if I am being stupid and lied to here: He has left clothing and items in his home with her, he has no intentions of being emotionally detached from her, or her from him. Right???? What’s the reason to leave things; he says so the kids sees them. blah blah blah
I am 45; and believe I have recently been stamped with STUPID on my forehead.
My Logic and My Love are in a grueling battle.

Since you won’t listen to me on the Get the Hell out of the Marriage comments; I will give you my next bit of Adviced; echoed by many readers.

Rock his world. Hmmmm. NO, NO, NO.
ROCK Your world, and let him be the beneficiary.
Ana
February 7th, 2010 on 7:37 pm
EgyptianLovingAmerican,

You could not have said it better. You are in a Stand-off and I think it is up to you to walk or stay. I don’t think he’s going any place. So, it’s on you. You can patiently persevere, which means there’s a possibility you could linger in the situation for years-God knows best. Right now, the way I see it is he, like the saying goes, is having his cake and eating it too.

I think he still loves his wife and loves you as well. Why give up his wife, if she’s willing to accept her life with him the way it is. Sometimes it’s beneficial for a woman to remain in a marriage although the husband is doing what he wants on the side. After all, he’s only accountable for himself and she for herself in the long run.

You could walk away with sincere intentions of staying away, if he doesn’t come after you or you could stay in the relationship and sees where it takes you. I wouldn’t trust what he says, as I believe he’s not being truthful, as he wants to keep you in his life. I know very well that what you’re dealing with isn’t easy for you at all. I’m wishing you the best outcome for you.

I think anyway we look at it, Alex and I will have some fun this week
Ana
February 7th, 2010 on 10:12 pm
As Salaamu Alaikum Zainab,

I was just thinking . You said, “Who needs a man”. Please don’t become discouraged by what you’ve read here or have seen of polygamy in your daily life. There is a lot of good in men and there are men that are good, as seen by the creation of Adam and Eve. The key is to ask Allah to give you a righteous, pious husband whose number one priority is to serve Him. Make sure you ask that first and foremost. That’s the best piece of advice I could give you about men. I didn’t ask Allah for that. A righteous, pious man could help you get through anything and vice versa. You will, without a doubt, still have trials, but you’ll be able to get through them with the help and support of each other. Please keep that in mind

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Donald
February 8th, 2010 on 6:23 am
Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply Ana. I hope you weren’t just being polite at the end when you thanked for me asking the question! I know how much work you put into maintaining your blog, and I imagine it can be quite stressful to feel like every word gets scrutinized by your readers and on occasion thrown back at you. So sorry if I made it just that little bit more stressful, and thanks again for being such a good sport and sharing so openly!

I can’t argue with your desire to submit to God’s will, and I like your example of Isaac on the altar. The story is most often used to illustrate Abraham’s faith, but like you said, surely Isaac could have run away had he chosen to. That demonstrates a lot of faith on his part too, either in God or Abraham — probably both.

What if an evil man had tried to do that to him though? I imagine he probably would have fought, and fought hard. I guess that’s the part I’m wrestling with here — knowing when to fight and when to submit.

I’m not talking about fighting anyone in particular here… I’m just talking about life in general, and knowing where to focus your energy. I know if we fight against God we will lose, so I guess it comes back to knowing what is good (the areas God wants us to invest our energy) and what is bad (the things he wants us to flee from).

Here’s another question… (BTW, anyone can answer — we don’t have to leave all the hard work to Ana!) Which is more pitiable do you think: the person who lives life passionately and decisively, but who gets it wrong occasionally, or the person who plods along in life, accepting whatever happens to come his way? Perhaps that’s too general a question, but I suppose I lean towards the passionate one — who has dreams and fights for what he believes in. Does the Quran include Jesus’ parable of the master who lends each of his servants different sums of money and then returns years later? The ones who showed initiative and invested it are rewarded, while the one who buried it is rebuked.

I hope you see that I’m not inciting you to divorce Alex. I really don’t know what the best thing to do is. I guess I just want you to have something wonderful worth striving for — a vision of a life where love prevails over jealousy and strife. But maybe we all have our times of not knowing where we’re headed, and it’s in those times we simply must learn to rest in our faith.

Faith + hope + love = a life worth getting up in the morning for!

(My problem is that I never feel very motivated in the morning. It’s just when I should be going to bed that I feel motivated to squeeze a day’s worth of activity out of the wee small hours. Yes, I too am cursed with nightowlonitis!)
Oum Mhmd
February 9th, 2010 on 11:54 am
Salam Ana,

How are things now? Are you any better? I think about you alot. I just wish you wernt suffering so. Anyone who hasnt been through polygamy doesnt understand what you are feeling. I never mentioned that my husband tried to do it a few years ago. Lucky for all involved I found out before it happened and when I did all 3 of had a CHOICE as to be in polygamy or not. You can guess what my choice was and the fact that the woman went running when she heard from me acknowledges her choice that actually being married in polygamy is alot different than flirting and having an emotional affair with someones husband that doesnt even exist to you. Once I “introduced” myself to her she felt ashamed of herself. Once she showed me the letters between her and hubbby he ended up in jail. I live in a Muslim country and lets just say that my marriage has been through enough, there was NO WAY I was going for polygamy. As I said lucky for all of us that there sneaking around got discovered and then we all had a choice.
For Carolina she doesnt face you because she doesnt want to acknowledge that she is in fact with someone elses husband.

Oum Mhmd
Ana
February 9th, 2010 on 12:44 pm
Salaam Oum Mhmd,

You’re a very nice person. Thank you for asking about how I am. Things are really good for me right now. I guess getting ready to leave with Alex on vacation on Thursday helps. I’m totally excited about it. We’ll be back home Monday evening. I just love being away with him, totally away from Carolinah and everything we know. We always have such a good time when we’re away. Carolinah doesn’t like vacationing and hardly ever goes away, which is good for me.

Wow, you weren’t going for polygamy in your home at all. You nipped that right in the bud. I’ve been told by Alex’s family and my younger sister that I wasn’t firm with Alex. I didn’t tell him I wasn’t going for it and he wasn’t going to do it. They blame me for it happening. Who knows. If it’s meant to happen, no one can prevent it and vice versa. I’m glad it worked for you. You don’t seem like the type of person anyone needs to mess with; that’s for sure. I wanted to meet Carolinah before he married her, but he wouldn’t allow me. He said he feared I’d try to sabotage it. I certainly didn’t want to meet her for any other reason.

You made an interesting point; many women, not only potential 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wives think that the flirting, affectionate, heated passionate stage last forever. They don’t realize that as soon as anyone take a relationship from courting/dating/ potential mating or whatever that it changes completely. How could it not? It’s no longer the same thing. The form has changed.

I think you’re right about Carolinah not wanting to acknowledge me. If she does, she has to come to accept who she is in this triangle and what her position is. I could understand her being bitter, as she was with Alex 3 years before he met me. He refused to marry her, but met me and we married eight months later. He went back to her almost five years into our marriage and took her back as a second wife. I guess that’s enough to make her angry and bitter towards me.

You’re just as scary as me Omm Mhmd; your husband ended up in jail. If “Tuttie” read this, she’d say you and I both are scary, like in the “Carrie” movie. I never watched it, but heard about it.

I have to run now. I’m late for my nail appointment, getting myself together so I can rock Alex’s world harder, as Zainab suggested. I enjoyed talking with you. You sound strong and happy. I’m happy for you. I think about you often too. You’re a likeable person. I’ve been making lots of duah for you and your children. Let’s talk again soon, Insha Allah.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
ummtiflain
February 22nd, 2010 on 5:28 am
salamu alaikum ana,

i found your blog by reading another…and i’m sorry to say i am very, very disappointed in what i have found here. i only briefly read some of your “my story” chapters and was appalled by what i read. after all those entries even your latest entry dated in Feb proves you have not really worked hard enough in trying to maintain a peaceful marriage or creating any sort of civil relationship with your co-wife whatsoever.

i think your site is crass, immature, disrespectful and not helpful to fellow muslim women in polygamous marriages in the slightest, not to mention how it is very, very bad dawah to non-muslims.

you have not been patient with your qadar. you have intentionally tried to hurt your co-wife because you lack the inability to see past your own jealousy and anger. you have completely lost sight of so many aspects regarding our religion, islam. and for this reason alone i wish you would reconsider your format of this blog.

sadly, i will not revisit this blog. this was my first visit and because the content i found here was so distasteful i will look elsewhere for info or support about polygamy.
Ana
February 22nd, 2010 on 5:40 am
Wa Alaikum As Salaam Ummtiflain,

Every blog is not for everyone. Sorry the truth is distasteful to you. Sometimes people can’t handle the truth and what is real. Polygamy is real and is extremely difficult for most who engage in it in 2010, which is reflected in what you’ve read on this blog.

You’ve expressed your views and it is your right not to visit again.

Thank you for your comment.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Donald
February 22nd, 2010 on 10:12 am
What a gracious response Ana. Keep keeping it real!!
Rebeckah
February 22nd, 2010 on 10:22 am
Wow, Ana, what a rude, judgemental and arrogant person. Is it somehow acceptable in Islam to criticize a person for being honest and vulnerable? Somehow I rather doubt it. I’m sorry that person felt it necessary to take out his/her frustration on you. I appreciate both your blog and your honesty.
Ana
February 22nd, 2010 on 1:12 pm
I guess she expected or wanted to hear – Alex, Carolinah and Ana met, fell in love, became one big polygamous family, and lived happily ever after. Apparently my story was disappointing.

Donald, Rebeckah, all readers, commentators, and silent supporters, I thank you much for being here!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Ana
February 22nd, 2010 on 3:12 pm
I must add; I can’t comprehend how people visit blogs and proceed to tell the blogger how the forum should be . A blog is created and designed according to a person’s individual style, personal taste and preferences.

I understand and welcome people giving constructive recommendations, suggestions, and comments etc, which is what the Contact Form on the blog is for.

Do the people that blatantly condemn and criticize a person’s blog even know what a blog is? For a person to take the liberty to tell another how to construct his or her blog is just bold and, and, and…

I think It just boils down to some people being haters raters.

I have been to many blogs, and didn’t much like the content or what I saw. I simply and quietly clicked out, and moved on. I was just thinking out loud

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.
Rebeckah
February 22nd, 2010 on 7:23 pm
Ana, I think you are 100% right. I guess that’s why I felt the need to say something. If you don’t like someone’s blog — don’t go there. It isn’t a terribly difficult concept.

Frankly, I appreciate your honesty. Any person, male or female, considering polygamy would do very well to read your blog and get a better idea of the emotional impact. I also feel that parenting blogs that tell the realities of dealing with children are better when they are honest about the downs as well as the ups. Otherwise it’s just a form of advertising. I’d find that pretty deceitful myself.

So once again, thanks for your honesty, Ana. I respect that about you.