Allah Permits Polygamy for all Men

polygamy 411Usually when someone hears polygamy mentioned, they immediately think of Mormons or Muslims. We know Mormons and Muslims are some of the people who engage in polygamy. When Allah permitted polygamy, He did not permit it only for a select group of men based on religion. Most people do not know that Allah permits polygamy for all men on the planet.

First, I need everyone to understand what I have said.  I did not say every man should engage in polygamy, nor did I suggest it. I simply am saying that Allah swt (Great and Glorious is He) permits polygamy for all men, regardless of what “religion” they are. To hear Allah permits (permit is the key word) polygamy for every man on the planet is something new to many.

To understand polygamy is available to all men, one must know that Islam is a religion (way of life) for everyone.  Islam is the only religion that Allah will accept. Now, I know non-Muslims will not like what I have said, but I must speak the truth when I know it. Allah swt in the Holy Quran states:

” If anyone desires a religion other than Islam (submission to Allah), never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter he will be in the ranks of those who have lost (all spiritual good).”
Quran: Surah 3, Ayah 85

Islam is a religion for all people and for all times. Islam is not a religion only for Muslims; although, only Muslims will accept Islam. One either accepts Islam or rejects it. If they are of another religion, they reject Islam.

In rejecting Islam, many have put laws into effect that prohibit polygamy. They have made polygamous marriages unlawful. People have made unlawful what Allah made lawful. Consequently, there is a lot of adultery and fornication that takes place in society.

It is important for us to know that polygamy is not solely for Muslims and Mormons. Allah permits polygamy for every man on the planet. Islam is a religion for all people and the Holy Quran is Allah’s Book for all people. Islam is not restricted to any nationality, race, ethnicity or color. There are those who reject Islam (our way of life) and there are those who accept it. Those are the only two distinct groups of people that we primarily need to concern ourselves with.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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290 Comments

  • Rafat

    March 7, 2014

    So you chose not to post my last comment. I feel sorry for Ina to be getting only advice that your point of view approves of. So you think that your way is the only way and your faith or point of view is what this lady should know. Block anything else from reaching her. I feel sorry for all those women who are hurting and being emotionally psychologically abused they come here for support and advice but the only advice they get here is that suck it up or become thick skinned and keep tolerating all the abuse, make Dua while your husband abandoned you temporarily to get married and have a honeymoon with the new human toy he bought. Who after a short period of feeling special will become part of this ongoing cycle of abuse. I can see how the abuse has scarred many of the women on this blog. They try feel special and important by sharin with the whole world what a wild sex they had with their husband, how their husband rubbed their feet … You poor things hope Allah (PBUH) gives you wisdom to open your eyes to all the abuse that men made believe is permitted by Allah (PBUH)

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    This thread is closed for comments. Insha Allah, I’ll get around to writing another soon.

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    No, I’m looking forward to taking a break from ALL of this because I’m about super tired of it…. I can’t move forward from being pulled friggin backwards all the time.

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    KA126,

    Are you for real? I mean really. The ayah you cited pertains to the people who were living when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)was living. The Quran is for all men and ALL times. That ayat about the people slipping away under some excuse pertained to when he was living. Oh, my goodness gracious alive. You’re killing me. Stop picking ayat (verses) that pertain only to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). You are dismissing everything else in the Quran. Unbelievable!!! How is anyone today going to get the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) permission to leave while he’s giving a kutbah when he is DEAD?????????

  • Aishah 2014

    March 4, 2014

    Yes looking forward to the next topic

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    KA126,

    Forget about it. Apparently you are one of the deaf, dumb and blind. You can’t obey the DEAD. The people who were living when the messengerS were living were commanded to obey the messenger. When the messengers died they left their BOOKS, for example the Torah/Law; Gospel; and the Quran. The Quran was the last Book that was revealed to a Prophet – the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). He was the last messenger to come and the Quran was the last Book.

    We are to believe in ALL the Messengers and All their Books. The people who were living during the time of Prophet Abraham (PBUH) were commanded to obey him. The people who were living during the time of Prophet Moses were commanded to obey him. The people who were living during the time of Prophet Jesus (PBUH) were commanded to obey him. The people who were living during the time of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) were commanded to obey him. When they (the prophets) DIED they could no longer be obeyed. Those living are to accept the Books that the Prophets left us and we are to live by them. Allah tells us to accept ALL of His Prophets and ALL of His Books.

    All of Allah’s prophets received the same message. They were to be obey while living. When they died they left behind their Books – the word of Allah. What part of it don’t you understand??? REALLY!!!

    Sit yourself down and begin to read the Quran for other than to dispute with someone and maybe you will learn something. THE PROPHET ARE DEAD. THEY CAN’T BE OBEYED EXCEPT THROUGH FOLLOWING THE QURAN – THE WORD OF ALLAH. NO ONE CAN OBEY A DEAD PERSON.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    March 4, 2014

    In the Quran it states at least 26 times to “obey Allah and obey the messenger “. This is all in the Quran. So tell me how do you “obey Allah and obey the messenger”?

    To name a few 3: 32, 3:132, 4:13, 4:59-69 and 24:54-56.

    How do you uphold The wahjib if Allah Subhana wa ta’ala?

  • KA126

    March 4, 2014

    Quote from the Holy Quran, An-Noor (24:63)

    لَا تَجْعَلُوا دُعَاءَ الرَّسُولِ بَيْنَكُمْ كَدُعَاءِ بَعْضِكُمْ بَعْضًا ۚ قَدْ يَعْلَمُ اللَّهُ الَّذِينَ يَتَسَلَّلُونَ مِنْكُمْ لِوَاذًا ۚ فَلْيَحْذَرِ الَّذِينَ يُخَالِفُونَ عَنْ أَمْرِهِ أَنْ تُصِيبَهُمْ فِتْنَةٌ أَوْ يُصِيبَهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌ

    Make not the calling of the Messenger (Muhammad SAW) among you as your calling of one another. Allah knows those of you who slip away under shelter (of some excuse without taking the permission to leave, from the Messenger SAW). And let those who oppose the Messenger’s (Muhammad SAW) commandment (i.e. his Sunnah legal ways, orders, acts of worship, statements, etc.) (among the sects) beware, lest some Fitnah (disbelief, trials, afflictions, earthquakes, killing, overpowered by a tyrant, etc.) befall them or a painful torment be inflicted on them.

  • Ina

    March 4, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I smiled when you said “my husband…does not understand my feelings”. I feel the same way and probably the same goes for 95% of the wives out there …Men are Mars, Women are from Venus.

    Thank you for all your encouragement but it’s a tad too late. I already replied to his message. I don’t think I wasn’t too nasty. Feel so frustrated…arghhh!

    I was so determined not to contact to him. In fact, I did not want him to contact me. I wanted to focus on work but I started to get upset today because the kids are still unwell and it annoyed me that he had not bothered to ask about them.

    Ummof4 – you are right (as usual) to say that he is probably not worried because he knows they are being well taken care of but still a small show of concern would have been nice.

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    “And most of them believe not in Allah without associating (other as partners) with Him!”
    Quran: Surah 12, Ayah 106

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It is shirk to associate anything with Allah swt. Some may think it’s offensive for me to say so. To associate anything with Allah as His equal or partner is shirk. I’m only repeating what Allah swt says in the Holy Quran. It’s not my interpretation or opinion. To associate a Hadith or any other book or material with the Quran is SHIRK!. Allah says He is One and He says there are some who cannot worship Him without ascribing partners to Him and they will be in the Hellfire. Perhaps He is speaking of those who associate the Hadiths with Him and His books. Perhaps it’s why the Islamic community is in the screwed up state that it is in. Everywhere one goes, any where on the net and any place no one speaks of anything but the Hadiths and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). It is not Islam.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah 2014

    March 4, 2014

    And yes i feel for the co from Africa.maybe she thought the adjustment would be easier.sounds like she is saying things just to hurt hub.anyway, if she hasnt abuaed her kids, but yes is in turmoil why should they be taken away? Relationships are messy, not always pretty, and polygamy even a bigger challenge.sigh! Ina i think you should let your hub know how you feel.its normal.you are dealing with kids alone and sick kids.you want him to communicate,and ask about you and kids, and you are afraid this is what you will be dealing with in the future.let him know.you wanted to speak w him but were waiting him out to hear from him.i undwrstand that.parenting is difficult.he should call.let him know.

  • KA126

    March 4, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum,

    Should we follow the laws of Allah Subhana wa ta’ala or Man?

  • Aishah 2014

    March 4, 2014

    Salaams All.Ana yes im.not believing that the dad who has 50% of time for the kids would have 100%of his time for them if i am not in the picture.and if he is again.polygamous what then? Two other women raising these kids( makes no difference adopted biological have both)? No that would not be in their best interest.

  • Laila

    March 4, 2014

    Dear Ina. Im not upset with hubbs. It’s just that he can get carried away with his s***** a** behaviour. I just got involved in a major accident and yes, I am feeling so shaken up. I mean it could have been fatal. I guess I needed a bit of TLC. My husband has always been the type to be aloof and does not understand my feeling. He can be by the book type. Very black and white.

    As much as you hate him not calling you, just let him be. Sarcasm is only going to make you look bad. I know sometimes we cant help ourselves. But banging him will only send the message that you’re being difficult. Anyway this is how I look at it. Be strong and resist the urge to blast. If you do feel that he’s supposed to care then tell him in a good and positive manner. You can do it Ina! 👍👍👍

    Good morning ladies. Have a great day ahead ya!! ♡♡♡

    Salam.

  • ummof4

    March 4, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, believe me I know how difficult it is to not communicate with your husband for days at a time. Most men are not like women when it comes to sick children, that’s for the mother to handle. Your husband knows that your children are in your loving hands. Also, as much as you may not like it, your husband is preparing to get married, that’s his main focus now. When my husband has been getting ready to be married, that is his main focus. Once it is done and they have had their initial days, he’s back to normal. I believe your husband will be back to normal soon, In shaa’Allah.

    Ana, we should all be able to agree to disagree on the topic of hadeeth. Since I have been on the blog I have not read anything that contradicted the Qur’aan. It’s okay with me if you do not want to acknowledge the same hadeeth as other sisters on the blog. It’s okay with me if you only want to use the English translation of the Qur’aan as your source of knowledge. But it’s not okay to use offensive language, saying that people are committing shirk for following hadeeth. Yes, there are Muslims in the world who pray to the Prophet Muhammad and treat him as their lord, but I haven’t picked that up from anyone here on this blog.

    How about a new thread?

    May Allah bless us all with a successful day and night of worshipping Him only.

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    @Aishah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m totally feeling you that you would not turn your children over to the father, just because he as a Muslim man thinks he is entitled to take them. I totally understand your sentiments with regard the co-wife who would actually be the one the child most likely would be in the care of. I have no children, but I definitely know how I would feel to have my biological child taken from me and I have not much of a maternal instinct. I feel for the co who has come here from Africa, who couldn’t adjust to a polygamous life quick enough for others, who is being threatened to have her children taken from her, as well. As Jenny has said about many things people out there are calling Islam when it is not – “it is some female, repressive bullsh!t.” Any man who want to enslave a woman need only say he will take her child. It’s a form of blackmail. It’s a form of oppression.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ina

    March 4, 2014

    Assalamualaikum Everyone,

    Laila, I am sorry to hear that you were upset today. It was only a few days ago when things were sounding good with your hubby after your accident. I guess life goes back to normal.

    I had no say in how long my hubby was going to away for or when. It was never discussed…he only told me when I said that he needs to let me know when he’s not going to around. If I’d not asked, I probably wouldn’t have found out until much much later.

    Anyway, I am going to have a little whine about my husband now. As you all know, he has been away for more 5 days and both of our sons have chickenpox. Not once in the last 5 days has he contacted us to find out how they are doing. The feeling of anger and resentment has been building up in me all day. I sent him a slightly sarcastic msg just now telling him that they still have the pox and still not back at school. He replied saying he is been very busy with all the paperwork! Honestly, he can’t spare 5 minutes to ask about his sons. I feel replying with another horrible msg about his selfishness but I know I shouldn’t. Doubts, doubts about whether I will be able to cope with this are entering my head.

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Marie & Everyone,

    Yes, it does get heated sometimes here when someone mentions the Hadiths or “sunnah” and it will probably continue to get heated from time to time. I will not sit back and allow people on this blog to put out erroneous information that contradicts what is in the Quran or say things are in the Quran when they are not. I am strong in my position to have information about Allah swt and the Quran represented accurately. I don’t care how often I have to say what I say or how repetitious it becomes.

    Any book other than Quran is written by man and is prone to error, regardless of how authentic anyone wants to claim the material written by man is. Satan has entered our religion through material written by man. Satan cannot enter our religion by way of the Quran. Allah has protected the Quran. Some may question how. They question the Power of Allah, His abilities and Attributes. They lack belief.

    There are more readers here than the handful of commentators who speak. I will not compromise on the truth for readers or commentators. No one has to be a sheik, an Imam, a scholar, or anything else to learn Islam (the Truth), and speak it. They need only be a seeker of Truth, chosen by Allah swt. Allah says He has made the Quran easy to understand and to remember. He says He teaches. He says He guides whom He decides to guide – those who seek His guidance. Am I repetitious? Yes. Do I care? No.

    All one has to do is go any where on the internet and they will read massive amounts of information on the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because the masses have been mislead to believe he is what Islam is; they falsely believe he is what Islam is all about. It’s falsehood. It’s misleading.

    Whenever someone who follows books other than the Quran wants to make a point, they go to the Quran to retrieve ayat that address the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) only. I could go to the Quran and find ayat that address each and everyone of Allah’s other Prophets only, as well. There are some who rely only on information that pertains to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). It’s misrepresentation.

    With it said, Allah knows best, but it may continue to get heated here when I become repetitious about all I spoke of above. This blog is not for “Muhammadans”. Those followers of that religion will become upset and get disappointed here. I speak predominately from the Quran when I speak. Some won’t like it, so be it. It is the way it is. I don’t force anyone to be here.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 4, 2014

    Dear Marie… I misspelt your name to Maryam… sorry dear, so sleepy already!! 💝

  • Laila

    March 4, 2014

    Dear Ina, I totally respect you for first, saying that whatever happens, will happen. Secondly, for allowing your hubbs to be in Malaysia for 2-3 weeks. May Allah s.w.t. give you loads of personal strength and love in your time of such tests. I think what you asked was reasonable enough. I always take anniversaries as important. Anniversaries to me, is a day where we remember, cherish, and show out utmost commitment to one another. Yes, in so many ways, I did get a raw deal. Today, I cried my eyes out. I was in my car and he called and somehow it got heated up and I just cried and cried out. He just went quiet. I immediately cut off the line and apologized afterwards. I think I am finally ready to let go of his stupidity and insensitive nature when it comes to my inner most needs.

    Dear Maryam, tq for reminding me to be grateful. I am always grateful for all that Allah s.w.t. provides. But as much as time cannot be turned back, I do have my issues and just like time, it will take a long process for me to get over it. Till today when I attend wedding functions, I somehow come home feeling so sad and rotten. I feel good for the couple, but I also feel that I could have done better.

    Nite girls! ♡♡♡

    Salam 🍭🍦🎭🎁🌟🌛

  • Laila

    March 4, 2014

    Dear Ana and Ummof4, I personally think the whole idea of the child custody it’s never an easy way out. Many times over, it’s turned ugly. Sometimes a parent may fight because they feel that the other parent lacks the substance or juice to be a role model. It’s not an easy task when it comes to bringing up children. A parent needs to not only love and nurture but also at the same time make responsible and clear decisions. In AK126 case, by her ex co behaving in such a manner does in some way play a part in creating certain ideas about her character, her background and her moral standing. If I am a man, and my soon to be ex-wife goes on a rampage of bad mouthing me, I know immediately that this person has no personal integrity whatsoever. Even in anger we MUST FIND CONTROL over ourselves. Even the last major fight I had with hubbs about a few things and in which we did indulge in the idea of divorce, didn’t lead me to bad mouthing him. I just kept mum and when neighbours asked about where he is, I just said that he’s doing fine. Im not siding anyone here. I am just telling you that if one parent already behaves like a clown, you can only imagine the environment the child is going to grow up in. Sometimes in anger also we say a lot of things that we don’t mean.

    Dear KA126…. I feel bad for ur ex co on how things are turning out for her. I think over time she too has so much pent up feelings. Everyone is human and as tough as they may seem, there is some part of their heart and soul where they could be hurt. Maybe all of you need to take a break and talk after a stipulated time frame. It’s always easy for some religious individuals to say that they are disappointed in someone’s conduct. It’s so easy. But have we been in their shoes? Did we even take the time to ponder? Coming to the States for some people mean a lot to them. Their country could be not faring well economically and coming to a new country where there is a chance for a better life means a lot to them. Maybe Im not reading you well enough, but, do give her some time.

    *Another matter I would like to briefly touch on is about virginity. That’s her personal issue. We can’t say that because a woman has lost her virginity before marriage is a licence to say she’s got bad character.

    Just my thoughts ladies.

    Salam 🙊🙈🙉

  • marie

    March 4, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum all,

    It always gets heated on the blog when someone mentions hadith, sunnah acts ect. Please do remember that Allah is the One who guides, one will only receive guidance if Allah wills it. We are told in quran to go to the people of knowledge if we are uncertain on a matter, that person could be a past scholar like imam shafi,hanbal,malik or someone else you know who is learnt an knowledgeable in the deen. Insha’allah you would be guided to the right place.

    About the custody stuff as Ummof4 mentioned it’s not black and white. In what you may think is a sunnah act (a child living with the father at age 7) may cause you to sin by bringing upset and pain to another Muslim ( the mother having her child taken from her) “other” causes some problems when it comes to their children, should my husband cause more problems and upset by taking her children from her. No of course not, she “other” is a Muslim and a competent mother. Their would be no reason other than spite for him to demand he has custody of the children. @KA you mentioned 7 years old is when a boy begins to pray ect and needs his father around to teach him this. My husband is no at home all of the time, he is not around his other children all of the time. How do you think his children have come to know anything about Islaam and it’s teaching…. their mothers, if not they would think that only men are Muslim.

    @ laila, you said you are upset that you didn’t have a proper wedding and/or honeymoon. We must be grateful to Allah for whatever he gives us and make it as a reminder of Allah’s mercy when we see Him give to others. Even when I see non believers receive from Allah it’s only a reminder that Allah is merciful to the believers and non believers in this life. Unfortunately for the non believers Allah is only merciful to the believers in hereafter. ( may Allah make us of the believers). My wedding and wallimah was soo simple. I didn’t even no until the day before I was getting married. I brought a new dress (abaya) in the morning, rushed home to get ready, got to the masjid, had the very short ceremony and was back in time to pick the kids up from school. It was a wonderful day. Allah gave me a husband, one that I loved and he loved me. I cooked for and served all of the guests at our wallimah.

    Allah has given us so much more than fancy weddings,honeymoons,children,money ect He gave us Islaam He showed us the truth, He gave us an opportunity to be dwellers of Jan nah, and to give all the praise and thanks to Him, to lighten our burdens through worship to the one true creator. How could we be unhappy when we have been given so much

    Much salaams to all

  • KA126

    March 4, 2014

    @Ana,

    I do not want to be among those who do not seize the moment to resolve issues in this Dunya. This is an open house as you state in each post. Just as we respect our sisters of different faiths here. We, Muslims, should practice the same patience with each other and learn from each other. If we have a difference in opinion. We should show each other where it is in the Quran the TRUTH with peace.

    We are all learning everyday! Whether we have been in Islam for thirty years or thirty seconds. It is obligatory from Allah Subhana wa ta’ala to be free thinking and learn. Didn’t He Subhana wa ta’ala give us good common sense? He asked that in the Quran many times.

    Allah swt has brought is all here for a reason. Please let’s take advantage of that to help each other without insults and full of love get to Jannah in sha Allah. I want you all to be my neighbors in Jannah. Ameen

  • KA126

    March 4, 2014

    @Ana,

    I do not want to be among those who do not seize the moment to resolve issues in this Dunya. This is an open house as you state in each post. Just as we respect our sisters of different faiths here. We, Muslims, should practice the same patience with each other and learn from each other. If we have a difference in opinion. We should show each other where it is in the Quran the TRUTH with peace.

    We are all learning everyday! Whether we have been in Islam for thirty years or thirty seconds. It is obligatory from Allah Subhana wa ta’ala to be free thinking and learn. Didn’t He Subhana wa ta’ala give us good common sense? He asked that in the Quran many times.

    Allah swt has brought is all here for a reason. Please let’s take advantage of that to help each other without insults and full of love get to Jannah. I want all of us to be neighbors there. Ameen.

  • Aishah 2014

    March 4, 2014

    Salaams on the topic of turning over children to the husband…no.he is their father and will be in their life.if we divorce i wont have control over whether they are around my co who has not shown resoect for them.i would just have to deal woth it.kids of divorced parents go through it every day.but would i just turn them over to them? , no.would not be in their best interest.

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I think we’re nearing time for a new post/thread anyhow. Insha Allah, I will try to put one together on the topic you suggested. You suggested a very good one. Thank you very much. Alhumdulliah!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 4, 2014

    I am concerned when women are instructed to turn their children over to the father when the child reaches a certain age, regardless of the circumstances. Women are instructed to turn their children over to men simply because some men put together some books from material they gathered up from some place – information/material not protected by Allah swt in which it is said they must do so. I don’t care how “authentic” the men claim the material is. Allah did not authorize it. They are not Allah’s books.

    There are people who make a blanket statement that the father is to have a child as he is the best to rear the child and teach it. Have they not learned anything simply from reading this blog? Allah has given us real life examples here. WAKE UP!!!

    Gail, who is leaning towards Judaism, has a Muslim husband. He has custody of his Muslim children. They are raising the children to be Jews. Jenny is a Jewess married to a Muslim. They have children who were born Muslim. Jenny is raising the children to be Jewish. Spirited’s husband is a Muslim married to a Christian woman. You best believe she will not raise the child to be Muslim. Spirited’s husband talk the talk about telling his wife that he wants the child raised Muslim. He can’t even walk the walk about anything other than to obey his Christian wife and put her first over Spirited. How many more examples do one need?

    Who’s to raise the children when the father is at war, or at work?

    I know of a Muslim woman. Actually I met her. She and her Muslim husband were only married a short time, less than a year. She became pregnant. She gave birth to the child and the father decided he was going to exercise something called “sunnah” and take the child, which he did. He went to her home, took the child and she (the mother) was left screaming, yelling, crying out in the street, trying to hold onto and keep her child while he ripped it from her arms. She’s running down the street hysterical behind the vehicle, trying to get her child back.

    Allah swt says revere the wombs that bore you because in travail after travail, in weakness and in weakness did she bear him. A mother went through all that to give birth to a child for someone to tell the man to take the child because he is the father?

    I know Allah is a Just God. I know Allah didn’t say a Muslim husband can take the child, under any condition and circumstance, and turn it over to some other woman to raise it anyhow he and she wants to, simply because of an age. Wake up!!!

    @Maureen, if you are out there reading, Alhumdulliah, you didn’t turn your child over to your husband and you fought the fight to keep your son. Allah u Akbar!!!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 4, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to everyone,

    Ana, I agree that we should change the topic. Matters of fiqh should be discussed at another place. The issue of child custody is not black and white. Let’s just pray that when parents divorce that the child(ren) will be in the best situation for their growth in Islaam.

    KA126, as you stated, Allah reveals the truth. All we have to do is trust in Him and remain patient and persevering.

  • Laila

    March 4, 2014

    Dear Ana… just love the way you write about Islam. Very detailed and easy to follow. If possible… can you do a short one on patience? The importance of solat and being patient in facong the tests of Allah s.w.t.? Tq so much.

  • KA126

    March 4, 2014

    Astagfirullah. Do not try to judge me and say I have not read the Quran. I don’t claim a sect. Allah Subhana wa ta’ala only mentions Muslims and that is all I am. A FREE thinking Muslims who submits to Allah Subhana wa ta’ala alone. And only after doing my own research. In sha Allah.

    Allah Subhana wa ta’ala says to follow our Prophets. Why do we always go through this. Can I not say what’s in my life without attacks? Subhana Allah.

    Have you not seen those who claim to have believed in what was revealed to you, [O Muhammad], and what was revealed before you? They wish to refer legislation to Taghut, while they were commanded to reject it; and Satan wishes to lead them far astray.
    4:61

    And when it is said to them, “Come to what Allah has revealed and to the Messenger,” you see the hypocrites turning away from you in aversion.
    4:62

    So how [will it be] when disaster strikes them because of what their hands have put forth and then they come to you swearing by Allah , “We intended nothing but good conduct and accommodation.”
    4:63

    Those are the ones of whom Allah knows what is in their hearts, so turn away from them but admonish them and speak to them a far-reaching word.
    4:64

    And We did not send any messenger except to be obeyed by permission of Allah . And if, when they wronged themselves, they had come to you, [O Muhammad], and asked forgiveness of Allah and the Messenger had asked forgiveness for them, they would have found Allah Accepting of repentance and Merciful.
    4:65

    But no, by your Lord, they will not [truly] believe until they make you, [O Muhammad], judge concerning that over which they dispute among themselves and then find within themselves no discomfort from what you have judged and submit in [full, willing] submission.

  • ana

    March 3, 2014

    We need to change the subject!

  • ana

    March 3, 2014

    Allah says he didn’t leave anything out of the Quran that is necessary. He says the Quran is replete in knowledge. Allah doesn’t need any help from anyone or any thing. He didn’t need man to go dig up some supposed sayings from some people 200 years after the Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) death to try to clarify anything. Allah tells us to conduct all our affairs with mutual consultation. Those who call themselves “sunni Muslims” and say they follow the “sunnah” defy Allah, as He says don’t create sects. He named us “Muslims”. He didn’t name us “sunni” Muslims or any other type.

    The Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) was a messenger the same as all the other Prophets mentioned in the Quran. He was given a revelation the same as all the other prophets mentioned in the Quran. They ALL are our examples. The Prophet Muhammad’s sunnah (way of life) was the Quran. He is one of our examples because the Quran was revealed to him and he lived it. Don’t get it twisted! Allah does tell us how to pray in the Quran maybe you should try reading it!!! ALLAH doesn’t need any hadiths They are not His books. It is Shirk. End of story.

  • KA126

    March 3, 2014

    @Ana,

    As far as my ex coco, her actions have been revealing her heart for a long time. I have known it but took all of your advise and remained in constant prayer and working hard to practice patience. It was just a shock for her to actually say it.

    And to see that her sister was there listening to this and she wasn’t as shocked as we were was quite telling also. Irregardless, coco and Habibi are not speaking at all. She has asked him not to call her anymore. They are going through mahrams just to provide support.

  • KA126

    March 3, 2014

    Sorry for the errors, I am in my phone.

  • KA126

    March 3, 2014

    @Ina,

    Custody according to sunnah is quite logical if you step back and look at it. For example, why give the child to the father upon remarriage? Because the wife needs to attend to the needs if the new husband. The age of seven is when children are begin in their formative years in learning their Deen. The “babying” stage from the mother is weened off, whether the parents are together or not. That is when the child is really starting to pray, etc. since the father is the imam or leader of the family, his influence is necessary to mold them into the fold of Islam.

    If everyone is following the Qurab and sunnah, this should not be looked at as a “custody battle” but what’s right for the children in this life and their end.

    Subhana Allah it seems as if I always bring the heavy to you sisters. Lol. Sorry but I guess it’s good to discuss ALL the issues. Alhumdulillah. As salaamu Alaikum

  • KA126

    March 3, 2014

    What we all have to remember is that just like we are not to worship our husbands, the same thing foes for our children. Children should have the benefits of BOTH parents. If the couple decides to go their separate ways in peace, the children should still have both children in their lives. Neither a man nor a woman should have full control.

    You are right @Ana, it is not in the Quran and this is just one of the million reasons why we follow the sunnah of our beloved Prophet sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam. His life was the example of the Quran. He is not to be worshiped but to follow or look to when the Quran doesn’t elaborate on it. The Quran doesn’t mention custody of children, how to pray, how to make wudo. So how do we know what to do? The sunnah!

    If we are going to be Muslims and believers we must submit to it all and not pick and choose what we want or don’t want. “Fighting” for something whether husbands or children, that only belongs to Allah Subhana wa ta’ala is a losing battle.

    I pray Allah Subhana wa ta’ala keeps us all on the siratal mustaqeen. I love you all fisibilliah. Ameen.

  • ana

    March 3, 2014

    Good thing I don’t have to deal with the issue. I’d tell any woman don’t give up your kid unless you simply don’t want it. I wouldn’t give diddly squat about what some Imam, sheik, scholar, Fatwa, hadith, supposed learned man, what some think sunnah is or what anyone says. It is not in the Quran. Don’t give up your kid without a fight unless you just don’t want the kid. It’s my advice!!!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 3, 2014

    Salam alaikum all,

    Ina, my understanding is mothers get custody unless they re-marry.

    People have very strong opinions about this, imams included, so if it ever becomes an issue look into it carefully.

  • Ina

    March 3, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam KA126,

    What a load of drama at your end! You mentioned that your step-daughter will live you and husband when she is 7yrs and same for the baby. Has your exco-wife agreed to this? Will she be able to give up custody of her children when the time comes?

    I briefly looked into the islamic guidelines for child custody when parents divorce and was quite surprised to read that older children, in particular boys, should live with the father once they are 7yrs old. I did go through a phase of thinking should my marriage end in divorce then it would be better for me to give my husband custody of the children . Since I have 3 boys, I thought it was important for them to have a good father figure and also feared that I would not be a good mother in my emotional state. The few friends that I mentioned this too were extremely shocked that I would be willing to give up my children. If it came to crunch, I really don’t know if I would be able to do it.

  • ana

    March 3, 2014

    Woh, I really jacked the last comment up. I was doing a copy and past and copied and pasted double sigh. Oh, what ever LOL. Anyhow, it’s fixed now. I better go get ready to have dinner with Alex so we could chill for the evening, Insha Allah.

    Ummof4, yes, I think it would be the coolest thing for us all to meet in Jannah and introduce ourselves, Insha Allah. It would be very nice. I love you and everyone here too. Allah u Akbar!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 3, 2014

    I’m back on my PC now; I thank Allah much.

    @Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I guess I should imagine myself in “C”‘s shoes, but it’s difficult. I just can’t imagine myself marrying someone second in sequence without the benefits of being legal and socially accepted when I was with the man first. I think it is because I had/and still have a very high opinion of myself and very high self esteem; although, still at times self-conscious. I just can’t imagine someone coming back to me to get me later after having married someone else and I had been on the scene first. She did it, so I guess it’s her way of trying to cope with it by pretending it’s only she and him i dont know It could be your husband soon to be other’s way of coping as well. I don’t think denial is the answer, though. There is never any acceptance when in a state of denial.

    Ina, you’re doing the right thing by not offering Tahajjud prayer to pray that your husband does not marry the girl. It’s not what Tahajjud prayer is for. You’re acting wisely by not going that route. If Allah has determine she will marry your husband, it will happen whether you pray that it does or not. Allah swt isn’t sitting there doing a play by play type thing anyhow. It was written before she or he were born that they’d marry, if it happens. We’re suppose to be trying to accept Allah’s decisions regardless of what the decision is. It’s not acceptance, if you pray it not happen. I know your sister-in-law means well.

    I doubt the jealousy will lessen once she’s married, but Allah knows best. It could happen, if she gets herself right with Allah. You’re doing good by learning our way of life and, Insha Allah, you’re trying to make Allah swt first and foremost in your life. You know that Allah knows what is best for you and you want to accept His decisions, which means you want to submit your will to Allah. You want to surrender your will to Allah. It’s Islam. If you submit or surrender your will to Allah, you no longer have a will. Allah, in the Quran, says we shall not will accept as He wills. It’s beautiful. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. Its a struggle. It’s our personal Jihad. We won’t be out there on the battle field fighting. We get tested in a different way.

    I was hanging out with Alex’s ex-wife this weekend. She has come a long, long ways. She seems to be trying to live Islam now. She covering and everything. She extended an invitation to me to come to her home, and stay over with her, so we could hang out. It’s not really the type of thing I do, as I’m more of a loaner, reserved, introverted person. Now, on the other hand, my Wali/bestess’ wife is like that. She and her girls still do pajama parties at hotels and stuff laughing Sounds like loads of fun. Who knows, maybe I’ll venture out of my comfort zone.

    You’re going to be okay, Ina. We’ll try to help you get through this as best we can. Try to stay focused on what is real – Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ina

    March 3, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Ummof4,
    What a lovely thought that we may meet in Jannah and introduce ourselves. Inshaallah.

  • Ina

    March 3, 2014

    waalaikumsalam Ana,

    I think if my future co-wife faces up to the reality of the situation and my existence then maybe she will behave differently. Laila ask if I am ready for this but I would ask my future co-wife if she was ready for it. She is already jealous of me without being married yet, will that jealousy lessen once she’s married?

    With your situation, it’s difficult for C to acknowledge your existence because Alex married you first and not her despite being with her first. It may be her way of coping with the situation. Alhamudulillah, your marriage has gotten stronger and it seems your life is good now. Inshaallah I hope it will be the same for me too. This is what I pray for.

    My SIL is very upset about her brother marrying again…in some ways, she seems more against it than me. She ask me to do Tahajjud prayers that the marriage does not happen. I told her I could not do this but I will pray for whatever happens will be the best for me, my husband and our family.

  • ummof4

    March 3, 2014

    My last post was supposed to start out as Laila. Somehow my finger kept slipping and my a become an s. Sorry!

  • ummof4

    March 3, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to everyone,

    Lsils, as I said earlier today, your perspective is greatly needed and appreciated on this blog. As you stated, there is no one way that polygyny is practiced. Sometimes the first wife feels that the husband is being extra nice to the second wife. Sometimes the second wife feels like the husband is being extra nice to the first wife and she (the second wife) is just the third wheel on a two wheel bike.

    I agree that the marriage of a second wife should be just as grand as she wants it and can afford. It should not be small just to not offend the first wife or the rest of whoever matters. When I married my husband we had a very small ceremony because I never wanted a big wedding. Even as a young girl I never wanted to spend that much money on one day. But I have prepared for and worked with many big weddings. Three of my children have had big weddings or big receptions and so have many of my friends and their children. I had stated some months earlier on this blog that when my husband became polygynous for the first time, I insisted that they have a big wedding and reception. I hosted the party for my co-wife the night before she married my husband and made the arrangements for the reception. The main reason I did this was to squash any rumors that this was a secret marriage. Was I in pain? Yes, but everything was being done according to the Qur’aan and Sunnah, so how could I complain?

    Interesting fact: thirty years after we were married, at the insistence of our adult children, my husband and I had a walimah (wedding reception) and invited a lot of guests. My daughter said that every bride should have a big reception, even if she wants a small wedding ceremony.

    So again, just because a new wife is happy and wants to share the joy of her marriage, does not mean that she is trying to disrespect the first wife. Sometimes she may not be thinking of her at all, one way or another. So everyone, just let the dust clear after any marriage. After a while people will show their true character. It may be that what one person thinks of as mean-spirited behavior may not be that. (Of course I know that some people are just mean-spirited.) There are a number of people who lash out and try to hurt others when they are themselves feeling pain or disappointment. Some people misplace anger and act it out on someone other than the one who made them angry.

    We are not all born and reared to take other people’s feelings into consideration. Some parents actually rear their children to be selfish, and the children have to learn as adults that this is not a good trait for a Muslim to have.

    I love you all. May we meet in Jannah and introduce ourselves, In shaa’Allah. That would be nice.

  • Ina

    March 3, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Ummof4,
    Thank you for your du’ah. It’s much needed I am sad to say. I am curious to know why your co-wife’s friends would lie to her about the things you said about her. Why would they want to cause trouble when there were none?

    @Laila, I was not sure if your post was aimed at anyone particular or you are just feeling some regret about what happened on your wedding day and just needed to express it. I can assure you that I have no intention of making demands to ruin my future co-wife’s wedding day. The only thing I asked for was that my husband be with me on our anniversary – I don’t think that is too much to ask especially if he is already planning to away for 2-3 weeks for the wedding and honeymoon. She want and probably will get the whole wedding shebang. I have not asked about the details. My SIL ask me visit her during this time but unfortunately I cannot take the children out of school. In the UK, they are fining parents if you take children out of school during term time.
    From what you have written, it does sound like you had a raw deal in the early days/years of your marriage. It was wrong of your husband not to stand up to his wife to be fairer to you and you gave up too much maybe in hope that your co-wife would appreciate what you had done. What is done is done and we cannot go back in time. We can learn from your experience so it’s good of you to share your insights. It’s sad to read about your feelings of loneliness and I can see that happening with me too. I am also very independent but that does not mean we want to be alone especially in times of need such as illness/accident. Hubby has gone only for 4 days and it feels like 4 weeks especially with 2 sick kids to take care of them. I had to take them with me to the supermarket today to get some groceries. The 3yr old had a tantrum because the older one broke his pancake (he gets very upset when something gets broken even though it ends up mushed up in his mouth anyway). Cried all the way home and eventually fell asleep.

    Just like you said that she needs time to adjust…I too need time to adjust. I tell hubby that I am not going to become happy/content with this overnight. It will be a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs and it’s very likely that the wives will be on different parts of the rollercoaster at the same time. Am I ready for it? I hope so because I don’t want to give up on my marriage but this does not mean that I should put up with the nonsense and neither should she if I am being unreasonable. This is where I feel our husband needs to strong and not put with any nonsense from any wives.

  • ana

    March 3, 2014

    KA126, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    His ex-co could be lying to hurt him, as she is extremely hurt. Allah knows best.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 3, 2014

    Dear Spirited, I had my medical check up done. So far so gud… as for the car, I wanted to sell it off. Hubbs is against it. He believes its protected me, because if I had driven my Honda, I would probably had broken bones. So its sent to the workshop. Two doors need replacing. I dont see myself driving it any soon. I drove today after the accident and I was very nervous. I got even more nervous seeing trucks and all. Im sending in the relevant documents tomorrow.

    Salam dear 😻😻😻

  • Laila

    March 3, 2014

    Dear all, we are all in polygamy, whether its legal or not. I know sometimes my comments may come out as personal attacks towards my co.. but I’ve lived this life for years, I am not ancient,but I am a seasoned player of the sort. I have nothing against anyone here, we are all here to unite, be sisters in faith, remind one another when s*** hits the fan, and to motivate each other to be better women, in terms of spirituality,emotionally, financially and also our self-development.

    Just last weekend I had a “talk” with my hubbs in regards to women being the number two, … etc…. sorry if I sound very sentimental, but I am in the mood to share and just type out what’s on my mind and heart. My heart has always dominated my mind. I have always been the one to believe in love. Love overcomes everything. When we decided to get married, out of respect for my co and also to keep matters under wraps from my family, we got married in such a simple manner. He booked a suite, I came after taking passport sized photographs, took my shower, had my own make up done, and then we were legally husband and wife, after the rites were carried out. Even on my marriage day,my husband asked me to serve drinks to our guests, which I did. The next day we went off to another state just for a day, we came back and he then went home to her. After which for years on end, I never really felt like a bride, looked like a bride. Never even had a honeymoon. I did it all in the name of love.

    Over the years some form of sourness did fester in my heart… The few very scarce moments of meaningful happiness was always interrupted. Just after my accident, I also realized that I really am on my own. Sometimes I just don’t want to look at that loneliness in its eye. My talk to hubbs is this. Why rob a womans joy at her her wedding? After all, a wedding is all that most women plan in their heads when they understand what marriage is all about. Ive always wanted mine to a garden themed marriage. Maybe all of you can say, “hey Laila, take a honeymoon vacation”. Ive tried but somehow my heart doesn’t want it. It’s not the same as when we actually got married and we should have had it.

    My husband does not and will never understand this. All I can say is, don’t rob the little bit of happiness a woman will get when she starts off on a polygamous life. We are women, we are strong, giving and are nurturers, surely we can give way to another woman. Yes, we are hurting, who does not? Mine bleeds from time to time. But the better woman is the woman who bleeds and still be the foundation or pillar in which her family is relying upon. Lets not always get so catty. I know I am at times, but seriously, we can achieve so much more when we look at one goal. Thats to make this polygamous set up work.

    Im sorry guys if Ive slighted anyone. That was not my intent at all. I just want all of us here to know that not all second, third or fourth wives are treated like dolls. Thats the biggest ever misconception society lays upon such women.

    Salam

  • ummof4

    March 3, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Laila, you are giving excellent advice to Ina. As a second wife (chronologically only of course), you have insight that us first wives(chronologically only of course) do not. Your comments are always appreciated.

    Ina, we understand that it is difficult to adjust to your husband marrying another woman. But believe me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I remember the first time that my husband was polygynous about 30 years ago. My then co-wife and I knew each other, but were never close friends. Over time, she would barely speak to me when we saw each other. One day I couldn’t take it any more and wrote her a letter asking why she did not like me. She wrote back (remember there were no PCs or internet or facebook then) and explained that her friends had reported I had said mean things about her, her child and her child’s father (not my husband). We agreed to meet, she realized that her friends were lying to her, and we resumed being cordial to each other.

    As Ana said, try not to concern yourself so much with what your husband’s other wife is doing and concentrate on keeping your own marriage strong. Concentrate on your children and try not to let them see that their father’s new wife is affecting you in a negative way. Your behavior will determine how they feel about their father.

    I will continue to make du’ah that Allah improves your situation and gives you the strength and wisdom that you need at this time. Put all your faith and trust in Allah and He will give you the best for your life. Remember that Shaytaan wants all of us to be miserable so he can lead us off the straight path. We have to be strong and not let Shaytaan get to us.

  • Spirited

    March 3, 2014

    Salaam ladies,

    I find myself wondering how Kim is doing, I hope everything is going well for her.

    @Ina, aww! Insha’Allah, your child will fight the chicken pox off soon. happy I do believe that if a husband is going to maintain a facebook (or any social network) account, & he has his wife (or wives) on it, he shouldn’t let the wife (or wives) affect what he puts on it. It would better if he didn’t keep his wives on his account at all, because that would prevent any chances for jealousy in the first place. Mine just doesn’t have one laughing At least, that’s my take on it.

    @Laila, Good insight from you in your advice. I hope you’re doing well from the accident. Is the car able to be repaired or will you claim a loss and use insurance to get a different car? Although the way insurance works in your country might be different than where I am. All the best happy

    I hope everyone is doing well. Things must be going relatively smoothly for most blog members, I hope! Considering its pretty quiet lately. Alright, I’m going to go take care of a few things, see you gals later!

  • KA126

    March 2, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum Sisters,

    I’m sorry I have been so distant lately. As you can imagine there has been a lot going on these days. As a recap: My CoCo got pregnant and for various reasons Habibi divorced her. I wasn’t aware of all the reasons why until lately. She started calling all of the Imams in our community speaking badly about both of us, so we finally had a family meeting with the Imam.

    Subhana Allah…During the meeting a lot of things were revealed… such as her only reason to marry him was to come to the states, that she wasn’t a virgin when they married, she never loved him, the baby may not be his, she has had a job for the past couple of months and didn’t tell him and she didn’t want to reconcile or need him in his life.

    i think myself, Habibi and the Imam were all sitting there with our mouths open in shock. We were all hurt, even the Imam (maybe because they are from the same tribe. He said he was disappointed) Habibi was sooooo hurt, so hurt it turned into anger. So for a period Habibi was thinking of pulling his sponsorship to ship her back to Africa and to get custody of our daughter. That went on for a couple of days… I stayed quiet and patient making duas. Then in one of our family kutbahs, we read the Quran and the Figh on how to handle it and he calmed down. So he is settling on visitation and waiting till she is 7 years old when she is supposed to live with him. As for the new baby, if it is a girl same rule applies, if it’s a boy he will live with us once he’s two. They both will live with us if, in sha Allah she gets married.

    In the meantime, I am currently not working due to my company’s lay offs, we are renovating our new house and moving into it by the 15th….. Alhumdulillah, OUR marriage is still going strong and we are just concentrating on the family as a whole and trying to find ways to continue setting our foundation.

    So much going on….. TOLD YOU! lol I’ve been quiet because I don’t know really what to say except Allah Subhana wa ta’ala has said we would all be tested. We certainly have! I am happy to say though that it has made us stronger. Not only our love, but our Deen as well. Allahu Akbar!!

  • ana

    March 2, 2014

    Ina, Assalamu Alaikum,

    The same thing that bothers you the most about your soon to be co, bothered me about my husband’s other – that she refused to acknowledge I exit. I still don’t understand why it bothered me so much. I went through a lot just trying to get her attention. She went through a lot too; I’m sure. Eventually, with the help and permission of Allah, she no longer mattered to me. I had no more need for her acknowledgement and no need to try to forces her to connect with me. I barely think of her orther than quick passing thoughts here and there. My marriage with my husband matters, not anything he has going with her. If she wants to live in denial that I am his legally wedded wife , and am here to stay with the permission of Allah, then it’s her problema. I don’t make it mine any longer.

    @Laila,

    You’ve got good insight. I want to elaborate on some things you’ve said, but need to wait till I get to a computer.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah 2014

    March 2, 2014

    Ina ivstarted writingvto u other night but feel asleep so it looked like crazy stuff.yes she must respect established family.i do sense trouble if she has some of my co tendencies.oroblem is if man doesntmap it out ” yes you r valuable u r loved u r a next wife BUT this family wife and kids here first need respesct of time,boundaries, their set place.hub needs to say ” im not looking to divorce or bump them out of my life.we can all sit and talk,or speak w imam to follow Koran and sunnah….idealistoc i guess.but be wary of game playing

  • Laila

    March 2, 2014

    Dear Ana, I think polygamy takes years to be understood by wives. Many don’t comprehend the situation when entering into a relationship. Many don’t even understand what polygamy is all about. The husband is clueless about which wife to please. The current wife may not be ready to accept the situation whole heartedly and the new wife is the eager beaver.

    My accident last week was an eye opener. I got hit by a trailer and it was huge. From the beginning till the end of the accident, I was on my own. I didn’t have family at all by my side. Which in some ways is kind of depressing. But then again that’s polygamy. There are times you just have to be independent.

    In regards to tagging and stuff yes that’s a juvenile act. I would agree on that. Nevertheless, let’s also take into account age differences. Im 32 and he’s 51, and she is 48. Is it fair for them to expect me to think like them? Nope. Im many ways I also feel that Ive grown way beyond my age to accommodate them. That’s why sometimes I feel really bored with the whole matter. I have to grow up way faster than the usual ageing process.

    Ina you stated that he flew 12 hours just for himself and not for her. What such a comment? We can’t say what his intentions are. Men are such, they are unpredictable to a certain extent. I understand Ina that this bugs you, but you have to give it time. You have to also understand that he has feelings for her. In my case, he baby sits her more than me, because he feels im more capable. The down side? Sometimes I feel so not emotionally taken care of.

    We are all simple creatures. We want the basics in life. But you have also got to ask yourself some hard questions. Are you ready? There will be nonsense along the way, are you mature enough to understand and find solutions? Will you also understand that she’s a young woman who will need time to adjust and this will not take overnight?

    It’s taken years for my co and I do sort of hold the peace between us. In short I no longer contact her and I happier that way. But sometimes I do feel that Ive matured way past my age and to some extent I do look at it as unhealthy. Ageing should come naturally. That’s why I am sort of feeling it this year. I have friends who hang out and have lunch and go out, they are married by the way, and Ive got to work, clean, cook and make sure all is in order. It’s as though Ive never had a carefree phase at all.

    Just my thoughts on the matter. Personally, I always knew Facebook was bad news. People have such different view points on it. Some use it for dakwah, some use it for random s**, some use it to meet family and friends.

    Salam

  • Ina

    March 2, 2014

    Dear Laila/Ana,

    I just wrote a very long post which was lost due to my 3yr son playing with my laptop. So I am rewriting this in word first.

    Thank you for your thoughts. You may well be right that she is trying to establish herself which is why it would not be good for me to start a facebook war. We could be starting a feud that will last for years and everyone will get hurt in the process. I just want her to know that what she is doing is hurtful and inconsiderate. This has been going on for a while and I wonder how many times she needs to be told before she stops doing it.

    Last November, we were on holiday and hubby did not contact her for a week. She got upset so starting posting some stuff on facebook to get his (and my attention). In December, she posted some more comments which I found hurtful. Hubby told her how I felt so she deleted the posts. Yes, it was good of her delete those posts.

    In January, I found out that she ask hubby to hide my pictures on his facebook. So I asked him to change his facebook cover photo which had her in it. She got mad and starting tagging her pictures and messages. She gets reprimanded again and has just removed those pictures/tags.

    What concerns me is that she acts like I don’t exist. I do exist and I am not going anywhere. She is going to marry a man who is already married with a wife and family. She has to face the reality of the situation.
    I don’t want to judge her badly but she has to act with good character if she wants to be judged as such. In fact, when hubby first told me about her, my first thoughts were that he picked her so may be she is a good person, a good muslim so may be we will be ok. If she is being disrespectful then I think she should be told in the hope that she will realise the effects of her actions and change for the better. If she acts like a petulant child then she will be treated like one.

    Sorry for going on about this. Now, I have to try and get an itchy 3 year old with chickenpox to sleep. Night night all!

  • ana

    March 2, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I’m out on my phone so please excuse any errors. I should be for the next few days. What you said makes a lot of sense. It is somewhat like the point I was trying to get across about labeling someone who one sees drinking alcohol. Just because a wife does things that are not cool, especially at the onset of the marriage being polygamous does not necessarily mean the person is of bad character and should be viewed that way always. All wives regardless of what number goes through an adjustment period. If, however the behavior seems to go on indefinitely, for instance, for years and there is no signs of change or growth, it may be in the best interest of the one wife to avoid the other completely. It’s just not the person one needs to be bothered with. I see it in your case, Laila, and mine. I think Ina’s case is too new for her to judge.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 2, 2014

    Dear Ina…. ive been thinking about your situation. The tagging nonsence is a bit too much. However I get a feeling that she may want to establish herself? Sometimes new wives also go through their insecurities too. Like my co always rubs in into my face that for the test of my life…. ill only be a #2…. Just recently I told hubbs that this isn’t China where the #1 is the grand supreme wife. So as much as youre hurt / uncomfortable, maybe you should give it some time and let time tell you about her character. Lets not jump the gun! ♥♥♥

  • Spirited

    March 1, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    About the story that KA linked, I’ve heard that its a fake story, but then again, that pope is known to be “progressive” so… who knows laughing

    @Laila, I’m so glad that you’re alive after that accident. Like Ummof4 suggested, please do make sure you get yourself checked out (I’m assuming you would have to for insurance claims anyway right?). I really hope there is no lingering internal damage.

    @Gail, nice to hear from you! I know you’ve been busy, I hope you’re well and everything is going nicely for you~

    Mostly quiet in my neck of the woods. I helped my husband with a project (or at least I hope I did). He did it last minute, and I, sleepily, had to read a research paper & help him put it into regular everyday english laughing. Hopefully his presentation went well, I’ll find out next time I get a chance to.

    Well there’s supposed to be more snow coming this way, probably on Monday. I like it, bring it on I say big grin I should be shopping for gifts & packing tomorrow or so, in between classes & I have a test in one class coming up too, the same day as my flight laughing. Well, I’ll talk to you guys later. Its pretty quiet around here HMMM.

  • Laila

    March 1, 2014

    Dear all….. yes I can understand the sentiments of random strangers viewing pictures and all. But in all seriousness, you can’t control or judge how others run their accounts. Some may view it from a religious spectrum… and some may just take it as a platform of catching up with friends from all over…

    In regards to tagging…yes thats a bit insensitive. But maybe excitement is also playing a huge part here. Trust me…. this wonderland phase will end. Then sets in reality.

    My Facebook acc is where I share about the activities with my university friends and relatives. Nothing is on hubbs. My acc is MINE alone. I don’t believe in sharing my identity with others / spouse.

    Salam

  • ummof4

    March 1, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to everyone,

    Laila, I am glad to hear that you feel okay. But make sure you go to the doctor’s anyway. Get a complete physical. Often in car accidents you don’t feel the injuries right away. I was in an accident that totaled my car, went to the emergency room, got lots of tests and thought I was fine. Two weeks later, my shoulder and leg felt like wood. I had to receive 8 weeks of therapy two times a week for my injuries. Be careful.

    Ina, it is unfortunate that you have a co-wife that is disrespectful to you and your marriage. It is surely a test for you. Allah judges us by our intentions. If you put pictures of you, your husband and children on his facebook page, what would be your intention? Is it to make sure people know that this new wife is #2 chronologically, so people know that she is not his only wife? Is it to show her how much your husband loves you and your children? Is it to show her that you have more in common with him than she does now? Only you and Allah know your intentions. Just try to keep them pure.

    I believe that in spite of what has happened your new co-wife knows and realizes that your husband loves you and your children very much and has been loving you a lot longer than her. You have stated that your friends have admonished her for her comments as well, so they know that your husband and you have a good, solid marriage. Keep working on keeping your marriage rock solid.

    Believe me, I know how difficult it is to accept the fact that your husband is marrying someone who does not seem to be mature and have good Islamic character. It will get better with time,
    In shaa’Allah if you leave it to Allah.

    May Allah help us all to be better slaves for Him.

  • ana

    March 1, 2014

    Ina, I meant tag to his page. I’d leave her page alone. I”ll make the correction to my previous post.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 1, 2014

    I think it’s how the saying goes. It means do something or don’t. If you don’t, then shut up about it. About not stooping to her level, what level is that?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 1, 2014

    Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Facebook is fair game. I’m not up on all the tagging and stuff, but if she is tagging pics of herself to his page, I don’t see where you’d be wrong in tagging some pics of you to his page. Throw a wedding pic up. Let her get a taste of her own medicine. In Islam we are allowed to inflict an injury equal to an injury. Don’t come back saying you can’t for this reason and another. You know the saying, “either put up or shut up”.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ina

    March 1, 2014

    Laila, facebook is not a private space especially when she is tagging comments and pictures to my husband’s facebook. She is making comments seen by people who know me too. In some ways, its good for me that she is making those comments – it shows me (and other people) her character. My husband and I heard one of our friends have told her off for her Facebook comments.

    She can make those comments private through other means such as email or sms.

  • Ina

    March 1, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,

    @ Laila, glad to hear are ok after your accident.

    I do understand that I cannot/should not control what she puts on her facebook and she has a right to do whatever she wants on there. I tell my husband not to say anything to her. It’s my fault feeling hurt for looking at her facebook. At the same time she tells my husband not to post pics of me on his facebook (or hide my pics from her). She is upset that he hasn’t posted any pics of her (apart from the cover which he changed). Boy, did she try to make up for that tagging pics of herself.

    She is marrying someone with a wife and children, she can’t pretend we don’t exist. Her family and most of friends know this too. My husband tell her that people laugh at her or do not think well of her when she behaves like that on facebook. I think when one’s husband is polygamous, we need to adjust our behaviour slightly to maintain peace and harmony. In ayah 4:129, it tells the husband not to incline towards one wife over another even if he loves one more. With the wives, I don’t think we should not announce it to the world that her husband may love her more (or give people that impression). You can argue it’s your right to do this/that but we should not live and behave regardless of our impact on others especially when it causes pain (needlessly). For me, it’s about having humility and respect towards others.

  • Gail

    March 1, 2014

    Marie,
    I just read your post sorry the delay have been so busy and neglecting the group sadly.I can tell u anything with certainty but normally from what I have witnessed if the boy is raised in USA and the parents live in USA normally it is not a problem but it is not a sure deal because family ties are very strong in the Pakistani community and say his mother has a brother or sister that wants one of their kids in USA (which is normally the case)well then chances go way up.I think your best bet in this situation is to talk to his mother and the boy and let your concerns be heard.I wish i could give u a better answer but with Pakistani families nothing is a sure deal.
    I would encourage your hubz daughter to look at the bigger picture though.Can she handle living joint family long term can she pinch pennies long term or would she rather go shopping every other day.If he is taking care of his mother that is a huge responsibility and I really do not think most young people understand the pressures that come with that kind of lifestyle.It is not fun it is sure not romantic.Hope this helps.

  • maryam

    March 1, 2014

    Salam alaikum all,

    I think as Muslims we have to be extra careful how we use facebook period!

    In polygamy it can he used to play games.

    It can be dangerous in countries where polygamy is illegal, surely one wife has to be “hidden” in those circumstances and that’s unfair.

    I think its insensitive to put your marriage on display when the polygamous situation is not harmonious (ie problems between wives).

    Isn’t it more appropriate to set your privacy so only your friends see the pics/info?

    I can’t see any reason a muslim/a would want strangers (and that includes friends of friends you don’t know) reading/seeing your information.

  • Laila

    February 28, 2014

    Dear Jenny I just got up…. yes Ana has pretty much answeed your question. Tq Ana! 😚

    In regards to the Facebook fiasco my co did in the past stalk my account. She even went to the extent to print out my pictures too and show hubbs. Her beef? My outfits worn. Well that was back then. I did shout and scream and make it clear to the both of them that what is on my page isn’t anyones business. Till today I still maintain that with him. I just don’t understand why some must need to have to feel in control to control comments made on their page. Facebook is something we can’t control. Its just random statements made by everyone from time to time.

    Dear Ina, I did tell you in the past to ignore your co. Remember shes also going to be his wife and as much as you are not ready, she has a right to her page. Please, don’t think Im not on your side but, we have to give her her space, and privacy. I applaud you for not reacting. Because if you did, she would use it against you. It also does not look well on your part. Personally I think Facebook is something we really don’t have a right to impose our own thoughts upon, especially if it belongs to our co wives. A very difficult pill to swallow but that’s the reality of things.

    Salam

  • ana

    February 28, 2014

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I think you are right about closing all the old posts/threads. Ummof4 previously had suggested I close one, as well. Insha Allah, when I get a free block of time, I will go through them all and close them individually. There is a way to close them all at once, but that way doesn’t display the notice “closed for comments”. I think the “closed for comments” notice is important. It makes things clear and no one has to search around and wonder where the comment box is or how to comment. I already had closed all the posts/threads for “my story”. I didn’t want to hear people, saying, “Oh, Ana, you need to kick him to the curb. You need to get rid of him. You poor thang”, when it happened over seven years ago and things are no longer the same. Thank you for the suggestion, Spirited. I can’t believe I erased that other thread. It was a good one too. sigh Alhumdulliah...

    Okay, this is it for me for this evening. I've got some pampering myself to do and then into bed I go to watch a movie - Insha Allah.

    Adorable Dolphin Says Bye Bye

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 28, 2014

    Jenny,

    You said your husband made love to you like a man who just got out of jail. I don’t think it was a good analogy unless you mean he had problems performing. Based on some movies I watched, the men who went home from jail, and were about to be intimate with their wives had performance issues. They had to get acclimated again. Maybe you better try another one Rolling on the Floor Laughing

    Jenny, you said, “My theory is if you don’t want to see it, don’t look.” polygamy 411 I gave the Facebook thing some thought today, too. I have the same sentiments as you. A person’s Facebook page is his or hers to do whatever is permitted by Facebook. It’s for sharing. photos, messaging and whatever else. No one other than Facebook has a right to tell another person what to put on his or her page. There are some situations in which others have a say about what is posted on Facebook, such as with Alex’s niece. Her employer said – no Facebook. She had to delete her account. If someone doesn’t like what they see on someone else page, they should keep their noses out of it.

    As I stated to Ina, Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves. There are repercussions for snooping around. I’ve been on the receiving end of it, so I know.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 28, 2014

    Dear Jenny,

    Laila may have gone to bed, so I hope you don’t mind me answering your question about what s.w.t or swt means. Muslims usually say it after mentioning Allah’s name. It means “Great and Glorious is He”. The Arabic word is something like “Subhana Wa Ta Allah”. You will see is written here as Allah s.w.t. or Allah swt. It’s the same with the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). The PBUH means “Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him”. I say it after I mention any of the Prophet’s names. In the Quran Allah mention it regarding His Prophets in saying, for example, salutation to Prophet Jesus. There may be some variations to the swt or PBUH,

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 28, 2014

    @Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I’m glad you weren’t injured. Alhumdulliah.

    Laila, when I first became Muslim, I think I was tested a whole heck of a lot. It seemed that one thing after another began to happen to me. You name it; it happened. I had a whole lot more patience back then too.

    Allah possibly is testing you now to see whether you will hang in there – whether you will continue to be patient, persevere and pray. You seemed to be doing really well with it. You remembered Allah swt all day. Alhumdulliah. It’s the way to go thumbs up

    There was a saying in the movie, “The Devil’s Advocate” that I really like. It was: “Pressure changes everything. Some people, you squeeze them, they focus. Some people fold.”

    We need to be mindful that the road to Paradise is paved with adversity, struggle, and obstacles. Acceptance of Islam is not a “cake walk”. We have to be patience, persevere, and pray. This is not Heaven here on earth. All praise is due to Allah under ALL conditions and circumstance.

    Feel better, Laila. Make duah about what to do regarding you car. Ask Allah to make you emotionally independent. He can make it happen. All He need do is say, “Be” – and then it is. It’s a whole lot easier than trying to learn to be emotionally independent happy

    You know what I’m saying?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 28, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All happy

    Here goes my take on the matter (referencing the article about the Pope).

    I didn’t read it. I don’t read anything about any “religion” other than Islam. Allah name me “Muslim”. My religion is Islam. It’s the only religion Allah says He will accept. It’s the only reality. It’s the only Truth. With it said, why would I go read or listen to nonsense? Why would I listen to falsehood? Why open myself to Satan in that way?

    If I’m sure about my religion (way of life) and have no doubt, there is no need for me to research another way of life. What’s the purpose of comparing religions? I compared religions when I was looking for the Truth. Allah then gave me Islam. I have what I need, so why bother with anything else? There are only believers or nonbelivers/unbelievers, no in between. It would make no sense for me to go looking into what unbeliever believe unless I’m looking to be a part of it or have doubt about my own religion (way of life). It’s blameworthy knowledge – useless knowledge. Allah in Quran tells us all about non-believer and what they believe. All I need to know about them is in the Quran. There is no need to be astonished about other peoples way of life. Allah tells us all about it.

    Most people don’t really believe in Heaven and Hell. Most people think there either is no Heaven and Hell or there is only a Heaven or that only people such as serial killers will be in Hell.

    Now, on the other hand, I don’t mind watching movies about Jews, Mormons or the Amish people. I like watching about their way of life in a drama form. I’m a movie person as you know. I like dramas a lot.

    For all non-Muslims who are reading. I don’t mean to offend anyone. It’s almost impossible for me to share on the blog without putting my beliefs out there. I’m sure there are many of you who feel strongly about your own beliefs, as well. Islam is beautiful, as it’s not a religion that should be forced on anyone. Allah makes Muslims. He decided who would be and who wouldn’t be Muslim. People He chose for Islam will find it without anyone having to recruit them.

    This is an open house. No need to knock Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    February 28, 2014

    @ Spirited,

    I don’t worry at all what I put on my Facebook and how she/they feel. Sorry, my life is just that ~ mine! I know it hurts them; especially the oldest son, but my Facebook is for me to keep in touch with my friends and family in other states and countries, mainly my grown children. My theory is if you don’t want to see it, don’t look. The other thing I use my Facebook for is a back up for my pictures. I like to do photography and when I go to Europe I love having camera fun! You can’t live your life for other people.

    @ Laila,

    Couple of comments:

    1. What does s.w.t mean? I see that all the time and I asked my husband and he had no idea. I asked a few other Muslims (the only Muslim’s I know are Pakistani, except for the good people here) and no one had a clue.

    2. About mundane…. When I was young, I had to have exciting. I’ve come to love boring and mundane. That is what I love about my husband is that he is the most boring man alive!!! He hates to try anything new, I have to drag him out. After many years, I’ve learned that boring means no drama!!! happy My husband is like a comfortable old shoe and of course, gets all the attention. When you get a little older, you’ll find predictable/mundane = dependable & reliable.

    I did have something happen yesterday that deviated from our mundane existence.

    We were in our other office having a meeting with our other two partners in our leasing business (good friends ~ Pakistani Muslims). I had good business news to report and our one partner is very goofy and doesn’t think at times. With my husband sitting across from me, grabs my hand and started holding it. I could see the roots of my husband’s hair standing up!

    Later on, hubby and I had to go across town and we were speaking to him on speaker phone and I interrupted on how I negotiated something down, when he starts saying over and over, “Jenny, I love you so much!!” Hubby quickly got off the phone.

    My heavens, he lost it!!! He couldn’t stand it another second. The guy wasn’t hitting on me, he’s just goofy and doesn’t think before he acts.

    Over dinner my husband decided to have a chat with him. I told him if the guy was going to hit on me, it wouldn’t be in front of him. I asked him not to say anything because I would have felt sooooooo weird!

    He made mad love to me, like a man who just got out of jail!!! laughing

    I convinced him to drop it, and he did. happy

  • Laila

    February 28, 2014

    Dear all, I met in an accident today. A trailer knocked into my drivers side. Hubbs saw my pictures I sent through text message and he told me that I am lucky to be alive. Will elaborate more. I am contemplating in selling my Merc off. My father was shaken up and actually told me to get rid of the car. Hubbs said that we can’t rely on luck or stuff, but Allah s.w.t alone. I think my year is starting off with serious accidents. I look at it as a test to my patience. Today I was all alone right from the accident to the report to everything. Hubbs is at her home. He told me he would come over at night, but I forbade him from doing so. I want to learn to not be so emotionally dependant. I talked to Allah s.w.t. the whole day today. I hope that I passed the test on patience. Its 4 am now and my body hurts a lot due to the impact… still thinking about whether I should sell off my car or not. Hubbs offered his BMW in exchange. Neh! He wont give up his favourite toy. So lets see ladies.

    Today is a reality and tomorrow can just not materialize.

    Nite!! 😻😻😻

  • Laila

    February 28, 2014

    Dear KA126, I just read through the link posted. Personally I think many religions are opening up and being a bit free and easy with their teaching in order to encourage more active participation. Yes the numbers are declining in terms of believers. But here’s my take on the situation. Religion is never going to be easy. It takes time, dedication, commitment and discipline to follow. Due to this, not many can achieve success. Success here refers to following all the teachings carefully and not debate about it and it’s logics. That’s why when I have my friends tell me that their career is their “religion” I immediately know what they mean. Sadly in today’s day and age, accountability and sheer discipline is a thing of the past. Everyone wants whats convenient and easy. Everyone want their twisted ideas and screwed up way of life to be the norm. So, it’s sad that his statements are such. But I want to believe that heaven and hell exist. Every action taken by us, whether good or bad will be accounted for. All religious ideas and theories aren’t just dogmas, but a sincere message from God. Such are my thoughts on the matter. Nite and please blog more often. We all are missing you! 😍💋💋💋

    Salam

  • KA126

    February 28, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum,

    I don’t know if everyone has listened to the Pope’s declaration at the beginning of the year. Wow!!!! Hold on to your Deen in sha Allah… Soddom and Gamorrah is returning….. Here is the link… http://www.naijaurban.com/no-hell-fire-adam-eve-not-real-pope-francis-exposes/

    I am so scared, flabbergasted at such Shirk… at the same time, I am so happy alhumdulillah that Allah Subhana wa ta’ala blessed me to see the light of Islam just in time. Allahu Akbar and I will NEVER in sha Allah go astray from that statement. No hellfire, no Adam and Eve…. no consequences for our souls. Astagfirullah!!

  • Spirited

    February 28, 2014

    Salaam to everyone big grin

    @Ana, I had a little laugh at all the crazyness with the blog. I know you’ve been doing it recently with closing comments on older posts when you open a new one, but I thought you did that with all of them (I guess not). Would it be too much trouble for you to go back and close comments on all the older posts so when people post, they post in the newest, active topic? That would be a way to make sure everyone is on the same page instead of running around between topics. Well, its your blog, I guess you know best about it happy

    @Ina, I totally get how something like that can be like a stab in the heart. I have to admit that you’ve shown a lot of self-restraint. It does feel like it would make you feel better to get back at her by writing something, but in the long run, its better that you don’t.

    Something interesting related directly to that. Just to remind you guys, my husband’s 2nd wife has been facebook stalking me. I haven’t bothered to find out which family member friended her so she can do this (it sure isn’t me), but I’m assuming she isn’t using her real name anyway (I know her first name at the very least). So my husband had asked me not to put many pictures up (I’m assuming it hurts her laughing ) and just a few days back, he asked me not to put pictures up that I take during my trip. I wasn’t planning to do that anyway, because I respect my in-laws’ privacy (they have a FB account with only immediate family friended. While I have family, cousins, uncles/aunts, nephews/nieces, & friends). But after my husband said that, I was briefly thinking I SHOULD put pics up because it sure would be a slap on the face to the stalker since the in-laws want nothing to do with her — but that was just a passing thought.

    Instead, I asked my husband what her FB info is so I could find out which family member friended her & ask them to remove her — after all, why should I have to hide things as if I was the one keeping secrets like she is? He said, “why do you want to open Pandora’s Box?” That made me laugh & I had to ask him how he even knew about Pandora’s Box since he’s usually oblivious about things like that, and he asked me if he used the phrase wrong laughing Still, I decided to just leave it alone in the end. Though I’m not going to stop sharing regular things/pics that I would with family & friends anyway (not including pics of in-laws, I’ve never shared those & won’t — again, to respect their privacy). After all, I have nothing to hide & if she’s the one snooping around, let her hurt herself, it’s not my problem happy.

    @Laila, no worries babe, I like to read everyone’s writings, even if its multiple posts. Sometimes through sharing experiences, another person can realize something about themselves. Plus, of course its always nice to share stuff with the gang, in my opinion. Even if it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with anything else. I’m not in a position to take a vacation over to your area, but it would be great to enjoy your hospitality! I really hope you and Ana have an awesome time when she vacations over there big grin

    Alright, I gotta head out, talk to you ladies later happy

  • ana

    February 28, 2014

    Okie, Dokie, I’m feeling a bit lazy now and think I may be able to get some shut eye soon. Insha Allah, I’m going to go climb into bed with a video. I have the “Sex and the City” collection. I began watching it again. Reminds me a bit of my past life LOL. I wouldn’t want to go back to those days; although, I couldn’t if I wanted to. Life like it no longer exists…

    @Laila,

    You said life seems mundane at times. Well, yeah, life is mundane. If we keep doing something long enough, it becomes mundane. For example, my vacations with Alex, which don’t get me wrong, I love them, but they became Mundane too. Anything we do, even if new, if we continue to do it long enough, it becomes mundane. Go get yourself another life, Laila, and see if it doesn’t become mundane. The only thing that won’t be mundane is the hereafter. I’ll tell you for certain, the Hellfire won’t be mundane, but I don’t think we’re looking to go there.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 28, 2014

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    No worries about writing a lot. It’s what the blog is for. Without us writing, we can’t support one another. For some weird reason, with all the people out in cyberspace that may be reading, they don’t bring themselves to talk. It’s not only this blog. It’s been pretty much the norm for most. I think the blogs that get a lot of talkers are the ones that gets those one liners, stupid stuff going on – the small brainers laughing I make my own self laugh sometime. It may not be so funny, if I find myself getting demerits for it. sad

    Laila, I’m wondering if what you’re feeling is just part of you growing older, as Lynnette had mentioned before. You married him when you were 19. You’re now in your early 30s. We change. You said you’re changing. Maybe you’re becoming more independent and less reliant on him. There is the age difference going on, as well. It’s difficult to call it or to put a finger on it. It may be you’ll have to figure this one out on your own.

    I don’t think it’s about you having a part-time husband, though. If it was the case, I think you would have felt it more at the beginning of your marriage, not now that you’re this far into it. About him always siding with her or making excuses for her, as I stated once before, he could just be accommodating her as he respects that she put her selfishness aside, so he could marry you. She may not be head over heals in love with a polygamous lifestyle and the fact that you’ve impacted her life, but she did standby him and didn’t leave him, which means a lot.

    About all the things that you want to do and experience, can you do them with your husband? It should be fun doing them with him. I don’t know what you’d like to experience. I experienced a lot in my day and had a lot of fun doing it, but things are not the same today. I wouldn’t want to be out there single again today, no friggin way; I’m darn sure. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but it’s not.

    It’s so wonderful that you are getting more and more into our way of life (Islam). I don’t think it is possible for our relationship with our relatives to change when we become Muslim and they are not. Our ways of life are different. We don’t believe the same things. We don’t live this life as though it’s all there is and we have to get everything we can out of it. They may THINK they believe there is a hereafter, but they really don’t believe. My relationship with my family changed. I still do things with them occasionally, but it’s limited. I speak with them more on the phone than I see them. It was last year this time that my mom, me and my sisters went to Vegas. It was with my sister who passed away this past August sad My step-dad died 7 years ago today sad So, is life…

    This is an open house. No need to knock.Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 27, 2014

    @Ina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know it’s very difficult for you now that he has left for Malaysia. You’re so new to it all and I know it hurts badly. You’ll be okay though. You’re tough and you can make it through this.

    You’re doing really, really good in not contacting her. You’re doing way better than I did in that area. Stay strong and don’t let Satan get to you. You’re at an advantage in that she doesn’t know she is affecting you. If you get in a cat fight with her, it’s going downhill from there. She’ll know she’s getting to you and usually the person receives some form of joy from it. Try not to give her satisfaction by beginning a Facebook war.

    Insha Allah, you will be able to stop looking at her Facebook page. It’s only hurting you more. She probably suspects you are looking at it, which is why she could be saying some of the things she says to upset you. Remember, Allah swt doesn’t give us a burden more than we can bear. You looking at her Facebook page could be an additional burden that you’re putting on yourself. Don’t rely on yourself or your own ability to stop looking at her page. Ask Allah to help you. Implore Allah for His help. He like for us to call on Him.

    I know it’s hard for you to imagine being happy in your marriage after this has happened, but you can. Believe me; you can. It take a lot of working on yourself and your faith though. You must try to stay as optimistic as possible. If you think you will never be happy in your marriage, you won’t. Allah is to His servants what they perceive Him to be. If you believe Allah swt will eventually make things better for you and you serve and obey Him as best you can (make your five daily salats, zikr etc) He will make things better for you. If you think He won’t. He won’t.

    What’s going on in your mind as far as what you believe is extremely important. Doing the physical things like salat and zikring is very important too, but the belief, what you believe is just as important. To enter Paradise we have to do righteous deed (salat, charity, fasting etc.) and BELIEVE. We must believe Allah does everything. He knows what’s best for us. He will provide for us. He will protect us and there’s a whole lot more.

    How are the children coming along with the pox? I pray they will be well soon. Think of all the work you’re doing with them, all the love that you are giving them, as righteous deeds. As long as you remember Allah while doing it, and know your reward will come from Allah, you’ll be just fine happy Insha Allah, We’ll be here for you whenever you want to talk.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah 2014

    February 27, 2014

    Salams just reading along.Ina im sensing some sisterhood w u.i feel ya! How many years younger is she? I had to say something about the. Young 2 nd picture lightin ard on ard uovthe phone when she called.i said. u dont have pics of me,kids,anyone else..its kinda juvenille.and it stopped.watch out.will prob tattle on u for being h

  • ana

    February 27, 2014

    Ooooooh, I put the post to shake on the wrong thread. sigh Now, I’ve got to move it. I’m texting with my two sisters, trying to do my hair, and trying to blog at the same time. It’s way crazy.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 27, 2014

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    From what I’ve heard, it’s quite common for a mom to have the type of experiences you’ve had such as with babies that are easy and then they get one that comes with a lot of challenges. I couldn’t imagine having one of those colikky ones who cry all day and night. Just the thought of it for me is enough to drive me crazy LOL. I pray all goes well for you with the little darling.

    Marie, you have a very good opportunity to do all you can to raise a righteous and pious child. You have a lot of knowledge that many others don’t. What a blessing it could be for you happy

    Marie, I feel sad for the guy you know that is having a very difficult time – the guy you spoke of in your other post. He may really want to be a better person, but just can’t get it right. Insha Allah, he will.

    Alex and I are well. Thank you for asking. He’s been very busy with work, but we’ve got some things going on to keep us busy with each other. We seem to be getting closer and closer as time goes by. He’s really grown a lot with regard to Islam. He’s giving me reminders now big grin I love him more now than ever. If you remember, I didn’t love him when I married him cuz I didn’t know him. One can grow to love another and it’s a beautiful kind of love.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 27, 2014

    @Shake,

    This is weird. I somehow deleted the entire post/thread.

    Shake, welcome to the 411. I’m happy to have you here. Alhumdulliah you are trying to accept polygamy happy Effort is important. It’s a good start. Accepting polygamy in this day and age is not easy for any of us, but it’s doable. You may not have to live a polygamous life, but at least you may be able to accept that Allah permits it for men and you’ll go along with what Allah permits because He knows best.

    I don’t think one can sum it up by saying jealousy is a woman’s test. There is much more to it than that. Accepting Allah’s decisions and submitting our will to Allah’s will is the biggest test. Accepting what I mentioned in the first paragraph is part of the test.

    If a man wants to do what Allah says he may, we should try to not have a problem with it. If there are problems with regard to living the lifestyle, such as he can’t afford another wife or something of that effect, he will suffer the consequences for it or Allah swt will see him through it and make it work for him. He’ll account to Allah for any wrong he does. We must remember too that Allah is an Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful God.

    For a woman to be in a polygamous marriage it lets her see what is in her heart. If she has pain in her heart then it is “diseased”. Allah speaks in the Quran of the “diseased” heart. With the correct worship and belief in Allah, Allah eventually cures us, heals the heart and we won’t feel the pain any longer.

    We must believe that Allah does everything. He decreed that our husbands become polygamous, if they do. They were only acting in accordance with what Allah decided for them, although, many of them may not even realize it. They lack belief in Allah, as we women do, as well. When we know Allah is pulling the strings and making things happen, we no longer blame our husbands or find fault in the other wives. All of this takes time and dedication to making our lives all about obeying Allah and the worship of Him. A woman solves her problems the same way a man solve his – by worshiping and obeying Allah.

    I don’t think a man is tested with the urge to commit Zina. I think he has a desire to have more than one woman and Allah swt has given him a lawful (Halal) outlet for it. Many of the men commit Zina and then marry the woman. i dont know They committed a very serious sin. He could still repent and Allah may forgive him for it. It doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t have to still suffer the consequences for what he did – for instance, if he’s married to someone Allah has instructed us not to marry, or the person still falls short in his duties to Allah (his salats, fasting, correct belief in Allah etc).

    Shake, please join us over on the newest thread that everyone is talking on: http://polygamy411.com/allah-permits-polygamy-for-all-men/

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • marie

    February 27, 2014

    @Ana, wa alaykum Asalaam

    thanks for asking about my newest edition, his breathing has gotten better, Alhamdulilah we think he may have asthma but we won’t know till he’s a bit older. last week he developed an abscess and is now on antibiotics, it seems to be bothering me more than him. None if my other children were ever sick as baby’s, this one seems to be making up for it. I hope you an Alex are good.

    Iv been thinking of the sister who’s husband married her close friend, I can’t remember name. I wonder how she is, I really enjoyed reading her post. She seemed to disappear after Ramadan.

  • ana

    February 27, 2014

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I understand better now. Thank you much for expounding on it. happy

    How is the little one doing? Is the sleep/breathing problem better? He must be like a little doll baby.

    @Maureen and fatima,

    As Salaamu Alaikum, if you are out there reading. I pray you both are well – you Maureen with your little guy and you fatima with your pregnancy.

    I’m trying to multi-task and blog here too.

    @Ina &Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m reading you. Insha Allah, I’ll reply soon happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • marie

    February 27, 2014

    @Ana wa alaykum asalaam,

    Ok I did say he does other things which makes me question what he’s really about. When someone openly discloses their lifestyle to you, then you compare that lifestyle with that of a believer you can make a judgement on their level of faith. He says he hasn’t been “on it” (his deen) and he says he needs to be more “on it” this conversation takes place every week or so once he has spent all his government handouts (money) on alcohol and drugs. The minute he gets paid he calls my husband in the middle of the night drunk out of his mind talking about the jinns are getting him. We both tell him you need to stay on your prayers and recite in your home do what Allah has told you to do and He will protect you. Does he do it, NO, that’s from his own mouth. No I don’t live with him now, but have done in the past.

    I would never deem someone an un believer but I will say if you ACT like one.

    So I haven’t based my statements on JUST seeing him drink alcohol.

  • ana

    February 27, 2014

    When I said, “Drinking of alcohol ALONE does not an unbeliever make.” – by “alone” I meant – in and of itself.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 27, 2014

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum

    About the drinking of alcohol, I’ve already stated in the post to you and another time in a previous post all the things that you just REITERATED: refrain from alcohol so one may prosper. There is good in alcohol, but the bad outweighs the good. In the other post I referred to the ayah in which Allah says alcohol is a machination and a tool of Satan.

    Allah says to avoid and refrain from drinking alcohol. He does not PROHIBIT alcohol for drink the way He PROHIBITS the eating of swine. Some countries have taken it upon themselves to regulated alcohol by prohibiting it all together. It’s the same as some changed the penalty Allah ordained for adultery from flogging to stoning.

    For our discussion, It is not a matter of whether Allah gives warnings about alcohol or prohibits it (Allah does NOT prohibit alcohol). The matter is about you saying the brother-in-faith is not a believer because he drinks alcohol. Your statement is what’s questionable. Do you live with the brother? Take a look at the list I made from the Quran of some of the attributes Allah says makes a Believer. Those are very PERSONAL things that no one would know unless one is up close and personal with the person. Those are things between the person and Allah.

    Have you had discussions with the person in which he revealed to you what he does and what he believes or how he thinks with reference to Islam? You should not be so quick to say a person is an unbeliever because you saw the person drink some alcohol. You don’t know whether the person does those things that make a believer or not.

    A Muslim may do some things that people don’t think a Muslim should do; it, in and of itself, does not make a person an unbeliever. No one knows whether Allah is testing the person with the particular thing or not. No one knows whether the person is struggling with the issue or not. Most of all, no one, but the person knows whether the person turns to Allah to overcome the problem or deal with the issue.

    All you could say about the man is that he drinks some alcohol, which Allah says he should avoid and you call him an unbeliever. You don’t know for certain what the man is. It’s not for you to say a man is an unbeliever because, at some time or another, you saw him drink some alcohol. If you think the brother-in-faith is not suited for your husband’s daughter, fine and dandy, but don’t put it out there that a person is an unbeliever, if he drinks some alcohol, as Allah doesn’t say it

    There are people who will say a person is a believer just because he is always at the masjid praying or hanging out there. They are quick to say, “He’s a good brother. He’s on his deen” rolling eyes Maybe the person only offer his salats when he goes to the masjid with his thobe on and doesn’t offer any of his prayers any other time. Maybe he sleeps through fajr prayer. i dont know No one knows except someone who lives with him.

    I put it out there because your statement could lead a person to believe someone who drinks alcohol is an unbeliever when you have no clue what the person does when he is not in the public eye. Drinking of alcohol ALONE does not an unbeliever make.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mumof3

    February 27, 2014

    Assalamualaikum sisters,
    @spirited dear sis I’m so sorry to hear you situation,you surely are going through a tough test,Allah(swt) tests those who He loves the most,I’m so sorry to write what I wrote the other day,it wasn’t directed to you at all,May Allah(swt) make everything easy for you and have great trip xxx

  • Laila

    February 27, 2014

    Dear Ana, I think in the other thread I did touch on some issues and I did feel that things between hubbs and I are a bit rocky. Ive realized that sometimes we can be with someone for years, but sometimes there are certain periods of time where you don’t feel the love anymore. Sometimes I do wonder as to why I feel such negativity. Is it because I only have a ‘part-time’ husband? Or is it because he creates various excuses to back her up when she screws up?

    Or is this normal when one has been with the same person for so long…. I feel that now thanx to the jinn issue we take religion more seriously. But Ive realized that somewhere along the way, I don’t seem to have the same tolerance level as when I was very young. I even don’t communicate much with my mum because all she does is give me lots of negativity. A few years earlier I don’t think my actions would be such. I also sometimes don’t like the thought that life can be so mundane like this all the time.

    Hubbs says that I complain a lot. Maybe. But at 32,I do feel that there’s a lot that I want to see and experience out of life. My thirties will never come again. Is it hormonal changes within me?

    All I know is, hubbs isn’t so important for me anymore. I love him but my own needs outweigh his now. Am I being selfish? Or am I just tired of the excuses made to cover her up all the time? Dont know…. still figuring it out.

    Salam and nite nite…..

  • Laila

    February 27, 2014

    Dear Spirited, sorry but when are you heading off to Pakistan?

  • Laila

    February 27, 2014

    Please I have much to talk about tonight Ana, please excuse me. In Malaysia, women generally is STILL not accepting to polygamy. Many feel extremely insecure and will resort to all sorts of methods to stop the second marriage, third or fourth. I think that’s normal. But in some cases here, it can get pretty extreme. First wives put down many unreasonable conditions that actually force the man to marry in secrecy.

    The men also are no angels. They end up marrying some real young women. Women that clearly more suitable to be their daughters. So then again, this is also another point of a debate. Where many current wives feel very cheated in the sense that they have put in the effort to build up the family and finance and here comes this young woman who takes over easily.

    So eventhough polygamy is legal, many women have their beef in the matter. I don’t entirely blame them and neither did I say that they are totally innocent.

    All I can say is this. There are many points to be debated upon and in a healthy manner. So that’s why we are all here happy

    *Dear Ana, I would love to show you around in Malaysia. It would make me feel proud. told hubbs of your visit and he asked me this, “So do I have to put on my best behaviour happy”? … little r*****… I am in Kuala Lumpur …

  • Laila

    February 27, 2014

    Even in the Kelantan royal family, this issues was not avoided… The King of Kelantan remarried and when he wasn’t well, well the Queen took over matters and what was reported in the papers is that the King was made to divorce the second wife. The second wife is now challenging the decision in the Syariah courts.

    I think in today’s day and age, many women especially the second, third and fourth don’t want to be side lined any longer. In the early 80′s and 90′s when men secretly remarried so as to not rock the boat, second wives usually took a beating in terms of their treatment and everything else given. Women were told to be grateful and suck it up and not ask for their rights… Now, because women are financially independant and many ‘choose’ polygamy due to the lifestyle and such, I mean I know many women in Msia that are highly career minded that love the polygamous lifestyle because it suits their hectic working schedules. So women who are second etc, wont stand by it.

    The Syariah Courts has recognized this and seen the numbers increasing and have to come up with some form of solution. Personally, I think it’s a waste of time. Polygamy to some extent is still taboo and many still view new wives are nothing but home wreckers. Sometimes I think the policy and ideas implemented by the syariah Courts are just a waste of time. Just to even obtain a divorce in this country takes ages. I also blame it for their work ethics. Malaysians are laid back.

  • Laila

    February 27, 2014

    Dear Ana, in regards to the link you’ve posted. I can’t for sure tell you how the participants are chosen. All I can say is this, the number of cases where wives use legal options to sue one another is increasing. How do I know? Information in the media.Eventhough polygamy is legalized in Malaysia, there are still many loop holes and setbacks.

    In many cases where the man is well off, well in the Malay community here, Malays generally don’t plan or organize things in their life. I sincerely apologize to anyone who’s Malay / Malaysian here. But it’s a FACT. I am married to a Kelantanese, in which your link was featured in. Trust me, many pass away without drawing up proper wills. These are the same men who know very well that they have multiple wives and yet… they take things for granted. I for one have told hubbs directly to get a will drawn up. We are not millionaires, but then again, I love an organized life.

    Another issue that arises from the polygamous lifestyle is that, men decide to remarry and NOT INFORM their current wives before hand. I am sure everyone is familiar with this. But in Msia, yes, it’s legal, but the husband has an obligation to INFORM. So, the first step starts off on the wrong footing and so, anger, jealousy and frustration takes centre stage. So when the chance arises, it’s off to the courts. Sometimes also, the man is a spineless creature. Both wives are fighting and HE just takes a back seat on the whole fiasco.

  • Laila

    February 27, 2014

    Dear Ahmad…. no, I was not at all hallucinating. Neither were the other occupants in the home going through the same. maybe your statement is a general one.Nevertheless, I’d like to say this. It’s only when a jinn takes over someone’s elses body and says really personal stuff, stuff that you wouldn’t in a million years share with anyone except your spouse. Then you know what you have on your plate. Dear all, you might have noticed that Ive been very quiet. I have been getting myself together. I am open now and accepting to the idea that I am able to see things and in the other day’s situation, dispell them. But the after effects are heavy. It’s a few days now and my body hurts like crazy.

  • Ina

    February 27, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,

    Hubby flew to Malaysia today to start filing for polygamy with the courts. Timing could not be any worse as both our youngest 2 sons are down with chickenpox and I have a massive amount of work to do. Obviously, I am also feeling down because of what he will be doing whilst in Malaysia. My future co-wife posted on fb that he is flying 16 hours just for her. That upset me even more. I know I should not follow her posts but I want to see how far she would go with these comments. In reality, he is flying 16 hours for himself…he would have done for anyone who would marry him. Still its upsetting when she makes comments like that.

    I don’t want to start a war on fb…but it’s very tempting. I am beginning to imagine the things I could post to counter her mushy comments. I am hoping that I will become immune to her comments as I don’t want to bring myself down to her level.

    When her mum agreed to hubby’s proposal her mum said she would like to meet me and our kids, be 1 happy family. Her daughter’s actions means there is very little chance of that as I don’t think her daughter had any intention of trying to get along with me. It seems she can’t stand the sight of me and pictures hubby posts with me in it has to be hidden from her. He failed to do this recently and I think she was upset cuz hubby has posted any pics of her yet on his fb. I am sure he will succumb to the pressure eventually and he may try to hide it from me. Then he may not try to hide anything from me….his argument would be that I always seem to angry with him anyway.

    @ummof4, thank you for your excellent advice. I read your advice many times and I hope I can follow it rigidly. But it’s so hard not to snoop and try to find out what my hubby is telling/doing with her.

    I honestly don’t know if I will ever be happy in my marriage….its hard to imagine it right now.

    Now I have to go start cooking dinner for 2 sick children who have no interest in food. As a mother, you naturally want to feed your children so it’s frustrating when they don’t want to eat anything.

    Hope everyone is having a better day than me. Salam.

  • marie

    February 27, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    @Ana, I didn’t say ge wasn’t a believer. I said he does things that believer don’t do. he doesn’t do things that believers do, like the list you mentioned of actions that a believer does is quite the opposite of his actions.

    In surah 5 ayat 90
    Allah says to the believer to leave intoxicants, gambling and idols aside that you will be successful.

    Believer are successful and those who leave aside the aforementioned will be among the successful. So my understanding is believers don’t drink alcohol.

    Also Allah says intoxicants are an abomination and the devils handiwork and for us not to follow the ways of the devil.

    I wrote this quickly as I need to pick the sprogs up from school.

    Much salaams

  • Felicia

    February 27, 2014

    As-salaamu-alaikum All,

    I have know experience with Jinns. My grand-mother used to say that olive and pomegranate trees is where Jinns liked to hang around.

    Spirited,
    Wow!!! You and your siblings survived some serious stuff

  • ana

    February 27, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    @Marie,

    You mentioned the brother in faith who is a (I think you meant) Part-time Muslim and drinks alcohol and does other things that believers don’t. Allah swt tells us in the Holy Quran who a “Believer” is. For instance, He tells us a Believer is one who:

    Humble themselves in prayer
    Avoid vain talk
    Active in deeds of charity
    Abstain from sex except with those joined to them in the marriage bond or captives whom their right hand possess
    Faithfully observe their trusts and covenants
    Strictly guard their prayers
    Sleeps little by night
    Pray for forgiveness in the hours of early dawn
    Remember the right of the needy – those who ask and those who don’t ask
    Submit their wills to Allah
    Believe and guard against evil
    Are devout
    Turn to Allah in repentence
    Worship Allah in humility
    Praise Him
    Wander in devotion to the cause of Allah
    Bow down and prostrate themselves in prayer
    Enjoin good and forbid evil
    Observe the limits set by Allah

    Those are SOME of the attributes of a Believer. Allah doesn’t include “one who don’t drink alcohol”. By know means do I advocate that a Muslim drink alcohol. I don’t advocate that a Muslim drink alcohol, as Allah tells us to refrain or abstain or eschew alcohol so that one may prosper. He says there is some good in alcohol, but the bad outweighs the good. Allah tells us not to pray when intoxicated. Drinking alcohol, therefore, could prevent a person from praying, if the person is intoxicated.

    I mentioned this because you said a believer does not drink alcohol and Allah swt did not say a Believer doesn’t drink alcohol. Allah clearly tells us in the Holy Quran who a Believer is.

    People need to be careful when they say a person is not a Believer because they saw the person do a certain thing. A person could have repented for the wrong he or she did, as well. Allah says a Believer is one who repents. A Believer is NOT one who is free of sin.

    Allah swt says: “If ye (but) eschew the most heinous of the things which ye are forbidden to do, We shall expel out of you all the evil in you, and admit you to a gate of great honour.” Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 31

    Everyone,

    While I was reading my notes, I read an ayah about the Jinns. There are many in the Quran, but I just stumbled upon the one in which Allah swt says:
    “We created man from sounding clay, from mud moulded into shape; Quran: Surah 15, Ayah 26

    “And the Jinn race, We had created before, from the fire of a scorching wind.” Quran: Surah 15, Ayah 27

    Oh, well, Insha Allah, I’m going back to bed for a while. Adios Amigos…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 26, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All happy

    Lady WiccanWoman shared with me an article that she thought would be good for me to share on the blog, as the blog here has a large audience. I agree with her.

    Please read the article about two brothers in the UAE who are searching for their Indian Sister.

    http://in.news.yahoo.com/brothers-uae-search-indian-sister-154618614.html

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 26, 2014

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I see Mayalsia has launched a program for some parties involved in polygamous marriages. I wonder how they selected the participants.

    Link to article:
    http://www.asianews.it/news-en/Malaysia-rewards-model-polygamy-that-avoid-family-feuds-29134.html#

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 26, 2014

    With regard to those people singing about polygamy and about the one who burned Allah’s name, I can only say, “to each his/her own”. I hadn’t heard about any of it till reading about it here on the blog. Billy had mentioned something previously about her little step daughter; I think it was she who was singing the song.

    My thoughts about the name burning, i dont know Allah will deal with her, not because she burned his name, but because she doesn’t serve and worship Him PERIOD. He doesn’t need us to deal (take action) with her. There’s no compulsion in Islam. She doesn’t have to respect Islam. It’s not her way of life…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 26, 2014

    @Ahmad, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Sooooo, the woman committed a murder/suicide (killed her husband and then herself) because her husband married another woman/became polygamous, huh. You must know the saying, “If I can’t have you, no one can”. I guess her saying was, if I can’t have you all to myself, no one will have you at all. I suppose she thought the Hellfire was better than a life of polygamy, huh thinking

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 26, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    I don’t spend much time thinking about the Jinn. I read about them in Quran. I acknowledge and accept their existence. I regularly pray to Allah for His protection from the evil Jinn, as I ask Him for protection from many things. I’m not concerned the evil Jinns will harm me, as I know Allah will protect me. I recite the Surah from Quran in which we seek refuge from those who practice secret arts/witch craft, as well. I prefer not to see them though, but if Allah wills it, it will happen. I’ve seen, read and was told too many ghost stories when I was young. I know I would be scared to see one, as it not my norm. It’s the unusual and it’s just plain ole creepy.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    February 26, 2014

    Salaam all,

    @Ana, lol, well I’m me, that’s all there is to it. I wouldn’t want to change just to suit someone else. To that end, I truly don’t care about what other people do. Its on me to point out stuff they would be doing wrong like you guys pointed out to me (i.e., my husband & his lack of fairness in the money department) but if they don’t change, then I leave it to Allah. I have my own stuff to deal with, why dedicate energy to a cause that doesn’t deserve it?

    Oh, speaking of my husband & money, I think I already mentioned he’s paying for the round-trip ticket, and he gave me a couple hundred just last night too, so that was nice of him. The heat in the other house is on the fritz again, so he also made sure I wasn’t cold (extra blanket, kept moving me close — I move around alot in my sleep– & making sure I was completely covered under the blankets, lol). It was cute, in my opinion happy.

    The jinn topic is pretty interesting. I’ve also heard about “good” and “bad” jinns. There’s stories of jinns who were probably in the good category going to school disguised as a regular person, older jins who like to be around homes that lots of remembrance of Allah is done (daily Quran readings, Salats, cleanliness). I’ve also heard that jinns like to take up residence in abandoned properties, so its always wise to be careful if moving into or building in an area that was abandoned (or so I’ve heard). Something interesting I heard a long time ago was a story about a beautiful jinn who seduces men and takes energy from them. As long as you don’t go with her, you’ll be ok. If you find out what she is and accuse her, you have to be careful because she may still hurt you — and the way to tell is that she’ll have backwards feet. I’ve later heard similiar jinn stories out of China and even Japan. This jinn is also very similiar sounding to a succubus of western myths. I just think that’s kind of cool happy.

    When I was young, I think I was 8, we moved into an apartment that was most likely haunted. Lots of weird things happened there, and over the years that we lived there, many, many, MANY people saw, felt & had things happen to them. A few strange things was that the apartment had access to an attic, but whoever tried to push up the door to get into the attic was never able to. People could push it up, but then suddenly it would be shoved back down, as if something heavy had suddenly been placed ontop. As far as we knew, that was the only entrance to the attic, and the company that owned the apartment complex always just put off answering questions about it. Infront of the closet that had the attic access, we often found pieces of jewelry that never belonged to anyone that came or went — like 1 earring, or a ring, a broken necklace one time — things like that. There were also often footsteps coming from above us — in the attic area. One time, an uncle tried to say it was just squirrels, but squirrel-steps & people-steps are preeeeetty different laughing. I personally have also seen the top half of a woman in an old-style feather hat standing by the side of the bed my sister & I slept on. I’ve also seen glowy red eyes that would appear wherever a certain doll was placed (needless to say, I stopped playing with that doll).

    Oh and one of the experiences that stays with me about that place, my youngest brother was about 4 or 5 and he would be often talking with an imaginary friend. One late night, my sister got up to go get a drink & saw a little kid holding a red ball walk into the big walk-in closet space that was in the living room area across from the kitchen. She assumed it was our brother because it was about the same height & went to get him out of there and back into his bed. She got her drink, calling for him all the while, then went over to the closet, turned on the light, and no one was there, except as she was leaving, she looked up at the shelf & saw a red ball sitting right there. She was creeped out & ran back to bed laughing. And this is where it gets more interesting. About a year or so later, we were moving to another place and relatives were helping move big things. Everything was going smoothly, and as things were being set up in the new place, an uncle mentioned something offhandedly. My parents asked him to repeat what he said, and he said that on one of his trips from the car to the house to bring more stuff out, a little boy holding a red ball asked him where my brother was. My uncle told him that we were moving & where to (it was just the next street over) and that he could find my brother there & he said the boy thanked him and left. He assumed it was one of my little brother’s friends because he looked that age and the door had been open the whole time so he could have just walked in. My sister was worried that maybe my uncle had directed a jinn to the new place, but my parents thought that this little boy jinn never really hurt anyone, so maybe if he did follow us, it wouldn’t be a big problem. In any case, there never was anything strange at the new place (even though the previous owner had died in the new place we moved to).

    So, you know, just some interesting experiences. There’s lots more stories about that place. A few years after we moved, we ran into our old downstairs neighbor & she mentioned that tennants of that apartment seemed to change frequently. Just makes you go “hmmmm”.

    Unrelated to the jinn discussion, I read something today about a story that is taking place in Jordan. A woman with 4 husbands (2 syrians, 1 jordinian, 1 arabian. the men claim they didn’t know about each other) are duking it out in court about who the father of the woman’s baby is. The court has ordered a DNA test to settle the dispute, and is (I think) discussing what to do about the 4 husbands thing. Polyandry is illegal in Jordan of course but not the polygyny. Interesting story. But one comment given by a commentator in Jordan quoted in the article rubbed me the wrong way, the commentator said that this was “disguised prostitution” just because it was a woman with 4 legally married husbands, instead of a man with 4 legally married wives — regardless of that its obviously not allowed by Allah’s laws or legal by man’s laws, I wonder if this commentator considers men with 4 wives as a gigolo (male prostitute). I mean really, there’s no need for that comment.

    Another thing that has people up in arms today is the video from the singer Katy Perry in which a necklace with Allah’s name is burned. In my opinion, clearly, the director of this music video intentionally set this up because he/she could have used any kind of necklace. Specifically using Allah’s name on it is just a way to rile up Muslims, since Islam refers to God as Allah, and attempt to insult God at the same time (no I didn’t watch it, nor will I, as I have no interest in this singer). The general reaction of Muslims has been calm so far, which is probably good. I’m not sure what kind of reaction would be the best, but of course if you support this singer, pulling support would be great, if nothing else. I don’t support any singers so that’s that laughing.

    Well, I have to get to studying, there’s a lab test tomorrow sad. Talk to you ladies tomorrow. I hope I didn’t ramble too much. It has been a little quiet, so no one should mind, right? happy

  • marie

    February 26, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Hope everyone is well. It’s been very quiet lately.

    I haven’t seen any jinns and like others I’d like to keep it that way. Although when my second oldest son was a few days old he was asleep on my bed, I had my eyes closed but was not asleep. I heard something say “he’s been sick he might choke” I opened my eyes and saw he was wide awake, had been sick and was trying to spit it out. My family thought I was hearing things and said that I was sleep deprived. But I didn’t hear it on both my ears and I felt air on my ear. I don’t know what it was but I’m sure happy it alerted me. Also hubz cousin says he sees jinns all the time, but he’s a pat time Muslim and drinks alcohol and does other things that believers don’t. He went to a sheikh and he said only the very pious or very evil can see them hmmm well I know he’s not very pious. Don’t know how true what the sheikh said is.

    @gail, I’m sure you’re very busy with your new business but I wanted to run something by you, I mentioned before a boy wants to marry hubz daughter he is 17 British born Pakistani I’m not sure if his mother was born here or Pakistan, but I do know that they have a culture/islam way of life. He takes care if his whole family as is mother is very sick. He works 7 days a week to provide for them. His father is around but as far as I know is not living with them. Do you think he would still be required ( by his family)to marry a cousin in Pakistan or is that something that usually happens when the family (mother, father,sisters ect)still live in Pakistan. The plan is that hubz daughter will still live with her mother but the boy will be providing her clothes, food etc, I’m just worried she will end up getting hurt if he flys off to Pakistan and comes back married.

    Much salaams to all

  • Mumof3

    February 26, 2014

    Assalamualaikum sisters,@ana I’ve hard that only the bad jins communicate with humans but the Beliving jins are forbidden to communicate with us,I don’t know how true that is as i haven’t really read it anywhere..
    @spirited,sis I don’t think your in-lows are the type to kill someone,there are 2 types of Pakistanis the educated type and the uneducated type,just like any westerners…the educated types are civilised and much practicing Muslims as they do not follow culture blindly,they have the ability to read from actual sorce..they surely do not do hounor killing,the uneducated ones are the problem in Pakistan,they follow their culture and holds onto it blindly thinking that is Islam,just like in US or Uk there are people who are educated and good to their women and there are people who are on drug and sells their women as prostitutes(worse then hounor killing)…my mother-in-low is a Pakistani and we lived in the same house for 7years not ones she spoke to hurt me alhumdulillah,oh and she works a respectable job and all her sisters are as educated as the men’s in the familly..people around the world seems to insult all Pakistanis for one uneducated routten apple..

  • Ahmad

    February 26, 2014

    No experience of Jinn for me or anyone i know. Our mind is very complex and its like a super computer that can store millions of images words and thoughts. Sometimes things get mixed up and our brain/mind does funny, strange things. People can experience hallucinations and see things because of many reasons like lack of sleep, extreme stress, trauma, metal health problems, sleep problems to list a few.

  • Ina

    February 26, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,
    My sister in law lives in New Orleans. She said she can hear voices coming from a tree in her garden and her children can see things flying off from it. She made dua and soon after the tree got struck by lightning.

    I have not any experience anything with jinns and i don’t mind if I don’t. Its enough for me to know that they exist. My hubby tell my kids about jinns and to say allahu akbar if they do see them.

  • ana

    February 25, 2014

    Mumof3, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I had a similar experience when I was still living with my mom. One night when I was sleeping, I awoke to an image floating towards me. I was scared out of my mind. Scared Smiley I jumped up and turned the light on. I was scared to go back to sleep. I left the light on all night. I eventually was able to go back to sleep. I didn’t know anything about Jinns at the time; I wasn’t Muslim then.

    I’ve heard the jinn are just like humans, but no one can see them. They live amongst us and have their own community. They live life the way we do. They get married and everything. I DON’T KNOW HOW TRUE IT IS. I only know they exist. I don’t particularly want to see anything like it again. It’s scary to me.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 25, 2014

    @Spirited, Assalamu Alaikum,

    You say you don’t care about this and you don’t care about that. I think you do care but you use not caring as your coping mechanism.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mumof3

    February 25, 2014

    Assalamualaikum sisters,regarding jinn,I think I have jinn in my house,we have a guest bed room which we hardly used,oneday when I was pregnant with my first child I fall a sleep in that room and I awake up being disturbed by something and I looked up and saw someone standing by me,my husband thinks I was dreaming but funny thing is my brother-in-low saw someone moving arround the house too..he said it looked like my husband but was kind of floating instead of walking..however this beings never hurt us and we recite Quran everyday in the house so I’m not really worried alhumdulillah..I’m typing from my phone+there is a 1 year old constantly trying to take my phone of me so please forgive me for any mistake <3

  • ana

    February 25, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace To All,

    @Felicia,

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. All of us here are familiar with “meltdowns” accept probably Brother Ahmad laughing

    Others here have expressed how difficult it is for them when their husbands leaves them to go to another country. Sis Huda and Sis Hilly were two who used to share their experiences. Everyone’s experience with polygamy differs in degree, but we can relate to it all on some level. When a husand is with one wife for a long time and then he leaves for a good while, it could be quite painful. You have to cope with impending travel as well, thinking the time is approaching for him to leave, for example. It’s a bit different from the scenario of the husband who live near all his wives and see them on a routine schedule, alternating numbers of days.

    The schedule for me, initially felt as though my husband was going in and out a revolving door sad Now, it’s norm. It doesn’t matter to me. Although last week when he left on a weekend day, he and I, both were sooooo sad that he had to go. It was way weird. We were on the same plane/wavelength. I felt like in the earlier days of polygamy. I shed a tear or two after he was gone. Then I snapped out of it, not way long afterwards. I’m like surprise – what was that about.

    Felicia, thank you for sharing the ayat with us all. It is amazing how some twist things to their advantage. As Spirited stated, ” It makes sense, and of course over time people just started taking it too far (along with the way people’s morals have shifted to less-than-good).” So true for a lot of things with Muslims these days.

    I need to stop getting so worked up about what other Muslims do. I need to do as Allah says:

    “O ye who believe! save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded.”
    Quran: Surah 66, Ayah 6

    @Spirited,

    Thank you much for your reply. You’re still being you happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Felicia

    February 25, 2014

    As-salaamu-alaikum and Hi to everyone,

    I am just catching up with the blog, still got quite a bit to read. Hubby is gone to Pakistan and I had a meltdown, don’t know where it came from.

    @Brother Ahmad,
    Well said about mother’s faking illnesses and the double standards of the men who accept the blackmailing. I always tell, argue rather than tell him, I understand you were deceived by your mother and family to get you to Pakistan because you didn’t want to marry again but no-one is holding a gun to your head for you to consummate the marriage.

    @Ana
    You so correct about we cannot change people’s belief but it is up to them to change what is in their hearts.

    2 verses from the Quraan that explains and differentiates what is considered obedience and
    disobedience to a parent/mother and Allah SWT:

    Worship Allah and join none with Him and do good to parents. [Soorah An-Nisaa 4:36]

    And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning
    is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination. (Suraah Luqmaan Verse 14)
    But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do.(Surah Luqmaan Verse 15)

  • Spirited

    February 25, 2014

    Oh my, I almost forgot!

    @Laila, I’m so glad that your fever is gone and you’re well. Your encounter would only sound foolish to someone who doesn’t believe in Allah’s words. We all know that they exist, because Allah has told us.

    (I guess the “scientifically minded” people would think you’re being ridiculous too, but that’s not important here! happy ). I’m glad that you’re safe from that, the jinn could have hurt you or possessed you as well. Rest up! <3

  • Spirited

    February 25, 2014

    Salaam guys!

    @Ahmad, I wanted to mention, I like your views on lots of things. I’ve already been saying that its the Pakistani men who are the big problems. That women here seem to think anyone can “force” a Pakistani idiot to marry a cousin is so stupid. They don’t force Pakistani men to do anything, the men are free to choose, and happily do so — no matter what they tell the other women in another country. “Oh I was forced, boo hoo, woe is me, I’m such a poor innocent man” is just an excuse to get sympathy from the non-muslim or non-pakistani woman!

    @Ana, that’s good information that you shared from your wali, thank you for doing so happy. It makes sense, and of course over time people just started taking it too far (along with the way people’s morals have shifted to less-than-good).

    Thanks also for your concern! You’ve never held back your thoughts before (as far as I’ve been around) so please don’t start now laughing. Well, as for being poisoned, someone going from here pretty much has to drink soda anyway (or boil the water) so I’m not too worried. I told my cousin, if I’m going to get poisoned, then I’m going to get poisoned, I don’t really care laughing.

    Of course also, I’m not planning to talk about this mess at all with them. Even now on the phone or skype, they avoid the topic of their son’s actions & lies (remember he lied to them as well, just like his 2nd wife is lying to her own parents to this day). But really, if they’re being two-faced (one way with me, then another otherwise), more power to them, I don’t care. My general attitude is: Let them all have their fun now and face the consequences when it matters happy.

    Surely spending all my time with my own relatives would be awesome laughing But that would be rude, and as far as I’m concerned, my husband’s can’t be held responsible for his actions. That’s like saying a murderer’s parents should be put in jail with the murderer, just because they are his parents. That’s the way I see it.

    I don’t mind if he was actually sending money to his parents, but he only sends money or gifts when someone goes to Pakistan. I do our taxes and have access to our accounts, so I can be fairly sure. (Of course, one can never be 100% sure). Another point is that he doesn’t trust international money delivery services laughing. And a 3rd point is that his family is doing just fine financially. Even without my husband, they have 3 guys bringing in income; 1 who works in the govt electricity supply company (and they get a discount on electricity), 1 who is a lawyer, and their dad who owns various small businesses (like gas supply) and their family doesn’t spend much since they pretty much grow their own food/milk, can sew their own clothes, make their own dough, etc. But again, I don’t care, its not a big deal to me. Insha’Allah, I’ll be able to get into a different career and be successful in that endeavor, so screw it I say.

    I was thinking about what you said, but I don’t understand why my in-laws would need to make up an excuse for why I’m coming there for a visit alone at all. Its not really a big deal, as they can just say the truth — he’s not got any vacation time yet, so is busy with work. My husband wasn’t mostly at home in Pakistan anyway when he was younger because he used to study in another city and would only come home once or twice a year. Most people in the village are used to either him or me not always being together. Same with his sister who is married, she & her kids are often back home for visits without her husband who is busy in Islamabad. Its not a big deal in that respect.

    It would be nice to bring my mom along because I get nervous dealing with all the random airport stuff, especially in Pakistan laughing. But my mom has asthma, sleep apnea, extreme swelling in her legs & feet. These are the main problems. On a typical airplane trip to Pakistan, she can’t just sit in her chair because she has a high risk of developing blood clots in her veins, so she has to walk around in the aisles a few times every hour. The sleep apnea prevents her from getting any decent sleep even here at home, so she’s always tired. Her asthma is also worrisome, here or there. One thing about Pakistan is that she uses a mask over her mouth and nose, and if she uses a white one and we go out, it’s a guarantee that it will be brown or black by the time we come back. Without the mask, that stuff would be in her already bad lungs. She doesn’t mind that though, because its not like air quality where we live in the US is that amazing (but at least there’s no dirt in the air), but her legs/feet swelling is the big problem. After the plane trip, she has to spend a week or so resting until the swelling goes down. If I were going for a few months, it would be worth it for her to take the trip and suffer. Going for 10 days, I don’t see the point. sad

    Ok well I have to run. Gonna be late for my shadowing, then I have class. I’m planning to stay at the other house overnight too, so I won’t be checking back in until tomorrow night. See you guys happy Prayers & love to all.

  • Ahmad

    February 25, 2014

    wow

  • ana

    February 25, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Laila, WOW, what an extraordinary experience. I didn’t think you were a looney or whacko or anything like it. It sounded like an exorcist type scary thing for sure, something like in the movie, “The Devil’s Advocate”, the scene when the ladies were shopping in the boutique. Sis Ummof4 is right on about the Jinns. They do exist, evil ones and good ones.

    It’s so beautiful that you feel so close to Allah swt and your husband is taking more of an interest too. It’s wonderful the two of you are coming together to worship Allah. Alhumdulliah, Allah says He remember those who remember Him. Keep up the good work Laila, and thanks much for sharing your experience with us happy

    @Ummof4, you sound so happy!!! I’m happy that you’re happy happy What a nice way for us all to begin the day (or end the day for some who are in the night), with the joy of others. Nice post as always, Ummof4. thumbs up Yes, may Allah protect us all from the evil jinn

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    February 25, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies and gentlemen,

    Laila, your post brought me tears of joy. I was already feeling very happy because I just received an email from my husband who is away with his other wife. He expressed his love and appreciation for me. Then a few hours later my co-wife facebooked me and thanked me for being thoughtful and generous. This was an excellent way to begin my morning, Alhamdulillah!

    Then to top it all off, your experience with the jinn has encouraged and convinced you to be a better Muslim. Alhamdulillah! And it is bringing you and your husband closer in acts of worship like salah. Allahu Akbar!

    We never know what Allah will use to test us or to show us the light. Yes, the jinn exist because Allah tells us that they do. I have not personally had an experience, but I have several close friends who have. We have to constantly stay on guard. May Allah keep you and your husband strong in your faith in Allah.

    Everyone, remember all jinn are not evil, like all humans are not evil. There are good jinn and bad jinn. Jinn are invisible beings that were created before humans. Shaytan is a jinn. In Surah Jinn in the Qur’aan it speaks about the good jinn who worship Allah.

    I am one happy sister right now who is getting ready to make salatul fajr! Everyone have a day to be proud of because of your service to Allah, In shaa’Allah.

    May Allah protect us all from the evil jinn.

  • Laila

    February 25, 2014

    Hubbs was a superb hubbs. He put some sea salt into our bath tub and after my long dip, he massaged my feet. In return I made the most fantastic dinner. We both listened to the Al-Fatihah while I was cooking and he was playing with our cat. The Islamic way of life is THE BEST. After dinner was done, while eating we listened to some Islamic sermons on the virtues of patience….

    Life is good at the moment. I pray it stays this way. We plan to pray together tonight aft work. We have only done that ONCE in our married life thanx to work obligations etc….

    My experiences with such things have made me priortize certain things.

    Salam ladies.

  • Laila

    February 25, 2014

    Dear Ana and all, initially I decided to not post about this here. I don’t want to sound crazy. But then again after MUCH thought, I felt that Allah s.w.t. has shown me only a little glimpse of this beings as a reminder onto ourselves. My faith in Islam somehow has doubled up. I no longer take certain things lightly. Ive also realized that our five prayers a day is SO IMPORTANT. It’s also good if we can play cd’s on zikir / al-Fatihah etc at home. The other side exists. It’s only up to Allah s.w.t. to SHOW us.

    May Allah s.w.t. protect us and save us from such beings.

    *Sorry again to all if I sound looney. This really happened. The aunt till today still calls me to check on me. Im meeting an Ustaz this weekend to just get some water where some prayers are made.

    Hubbs found out and was so pissed off…. He told me why I had to talk to it etc… He told me that he’s not surprised as many Muslims here are NOT Muslims. In anger they resort to many unIslamic things. Hmmmmmm…… Maybe we all are tested and Allah s.w.t. wants to see how we handle HIS tests. Either to worship him more and take refuge in his love or resort to other, meaner means. Just out of anger.

    Salam.

  • Laila

    February 25, 2014

    Dear all, I finally am feeling much better and my fever is down. I was also shaken up in terms of my very foundation on Islam. I was just not myself. I was thinking so much yesterday and I am glad to report that, i finally have my answer….

    The friend that I was supposed to see / meet kept avoiding me. She was either in the toilet, kitchen etc. At some point, my aunt invited a lady that can carry out massages at home for women. Knowing that my womb is weak, this lady is able to massage the traditional method and so, we women all agreed to get a massage each. The men however, found this activity to be boring and decided to leave and go out for tea. A common practise in Msia.

    When the lasy arrived, she decided to massage my friend first. My aunt pushed me to sit next ti her and talk. She after all did look depressed. As the massage lady was getting ready to apply oil, and usually being Muslim, she would say, ‘Bismillah…’ etc and only then start. This is to protect herself from any element that the person getting a massage is using. In Malaysia, eventhough we are pretty developed and modern, there are a huge number of individuals who use all sorts of black magic.

    Anyway, suddenly…. this aunty jumped like an animal and face me and my aunt. My aunt screamed in fear but she didn’t budge. I too was so shocked but somehow I too didn’t budge. This aunt’s face turned into an animal, seriously. It looked at us in a savage manner. It kept laughing and giggling and personally… I felt my temper rise. My aunt finally had the b**** to ask IT what IT wanted and where IT came from. It said It came from the first wife who was very upset. IT called the first wife, ‘mother’. IT looked at me and said that sitting next to me made it feel hot. I finally spoke and asked,why?

    It said that I was very psychic and I was very fierce. We got the talking done and somehow I knew that this IT needed to be dispelled / destroyed. For the llife of me, I did some moves that I myself do not know. The IT / Jin left.

    Maybe to some of you I sound crazy. Yes, at some point I too felt that all of this was crazy and believe I cried my eyes out. I asked why Allah s.w.t. made me see things like this. I even asked my dad about this. Looks like my great grandmother had the gift of healing people who were possessed and she was a very firm lady, according to him, just like me.

    All I can say is this. The Jin exists. When I used to read about it in Islamic books, I always thought, yeah IT exists, but IT will never cross my path. My naiveness and arrogance to some extent did back fire in my face. As my friend, our aunt decided to take her to an Ustaz for further checks.

  • ana

    February 25, 2014

    I thought I would share with you some of the 2013 Annual Report for polygamy 411 prepared by Jetpack. Jetpack prepares the statistics for WordPress blogs:

    Polygamy 411 2013 in blogging Annual Report polygamy 411

    Crunchy numbers

    The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 270,000 times in 2013. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 12 days for that many people to see it.

    In 2013, there were 24 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 324 posts.

    The busiest day of the year was November 12th with 1,310 views. This report only shows data since you connected Jetpack.

    Attractions in 2013

    These are the posts that got the most views in 2013:

    . 1 Marry a Pakistani Man? Beware! 429 comments April 2013

    • 2 The Reason Why Men Become Polygamous 493 comments January 2013

    • 3 Are Secret Wives Mistresses? 99 comments August 2009

    • 4 A Muslim Man May Become Polygamous 427 comments February 2013

    • 5 Is It Normal to Struggle When Our Lifestyle is Polygamous? 344 comments July 2013

    Some of your most popular posts were written before 2013. Your writing has staying power! Consider writing about those topics again.

    Where did they come from?

    194 countries in all!

    Most visitors came from The United States. The United Kingdom & India were not far behind.

    Note: I was unable to print the map that showed the 194 countries.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mari2

    February 24, 2014

    Meh. when I went to Pakistan I just bought Diet Cokes at a local market in KPK, water bottled in USA (Aquafina), or drank chai. No life straw necessary.

  • ana

    February 24, 2014

    @Spirited,

    I was wondering what reason your in-laws will give others for why you traveled there without your husband/their son…

    If your mom is willing and wants to go with you and you and she thinks it won’t be too detrimental on her health when she returns, I’d take my mommy with me. Insha Allah, it would be a memorable trip for the two of you. Furthermore, Allah answers prayer; ask Him to protect you both and keep you safe. Insha Allah, this may be a trip she won’t be very ill after she returns. I’m just tossing it out there for you to ponder, sis. Our moms may be a pain in the @$$ at times, but a mom can be the companion we need at times, too.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 24, 2014

    Gail spoke to us about the “Life Straw”. My question is how someone would drink from it in front of someone else without offending the person?

    This is an open house. No need to knock Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 24, 2014

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I was thinking about you and your upcoming trip to Pakistan. I was concerned about you, but didn’t want to be a kill joy, by mentioning my concerns. I will say what I was thinking since your older cousin has spoken up.

    As your older cousin said, you need to be very careful in your visit with your in-laws. I don’t know if they would poison you or not. Gail said her husband’s family or the co-wife tried to poison her when she (Gail) was in Pakistan.

    You need to be mindful that those are his parents. They love their son and they will not go against him. You read enough here on the blog from people that knows and have been around many Pakistani people, not that they are unlike many others who aren’t Pakistani. They will grin in your face and tell you what you want to hear, take your side etc., but then when you are not around, they turn against you, bad mouth you and talk about what a fool you are.

    Your best bet would be to spend all your time with your Uncle and your own relatives; I’m just saying. You best believe your husband sends money to his parents. His parents aren’t totally ignorant fools; I don’t think they are, anyhow. They know not to bite the hand that feeds them.

    I thought it interesting that Ahmad said many Pakistani men dream of coming to the States to marry white women or born American Pakistani women. You are that born American Pakistani woman. Your situation is a bit twisted though. You remind me of the cousin, only your husband didn’t have to go to Pakistan to get you. He married you here and then went and got his other – whatever she is.

    I’m just saying, Spirited, exercise caution and be wise. Don’t think you’re going to rack up any brownie points with the in-laws thinking they’ll see your point of view over their son’s. Blood is thicker than water.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 24, 2014

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I share your sentiments EXACTLY about the two 5 year olds. I thought it was ludicrous for the school to suspend the teacher (even with pay) when she discovered the situation and reported it to the Principal. The only thing I could think of for why they did it that way is they hold her responsible for letting a male and a female child go into the bathroom at the same time. I suppose they thought she should have had her eyes on each and every child at all times. I discussed it with my wali/bestess. He said what you said. He said the kids either saw their parents doing it or saw the parents watching it on the internet and oversaw it or the kids were on the internet themselves and stumbled upon it or they saw the stuff on TV.

    Of course, then we went into a conversation about Islam. Before this conversation, I had mentioned to him that I was getting kinda frustrated by what I read on the blog and the conditions that exist today concerning Muslims. I mentioned about the people who believe Paradise is at the foot of the mother. He said the saying is with reference only to those mothers who are righteous and pious. The righteous and pious mother serves Allah and their children from the time they can imitate a parent, sees the mother worshiping and serving Allah. The mother exhibits a praise worthy character. The child always crawls to the mother feet before she picks it up. The mother takes the child and recite the Quran to it, or the child see the mother reciting Quran. She takes the child into the Masallah (prayer room) with her while she prays. The mother raise the child in its formative years to be God fearing and to worship Allah. The child only sees the mother displaying praiseworthy characteristic.

    He said the children that are raised today are those that Prophet Noah (PBUH) speaks of in the Quran. Prophet Noah (PBUH) called onto Allah saying, don’t leave a single non-believer on this earth, as they will breed wicked and rebellious ones. These Muslim parent who are raising the children are raising them to obey them, to do what they say – it’s not about worshiping Allah. They all have an agenda. They want their desires fulfilled and it has nothing to do with Allah. They want daughter-in-laws to take care of them and son to go abroad and send home the money. Obey me (mum).

    I wrote this quickly, as Alex just got home.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    February 24, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    @Laila, I hope you feel better soon <3. It certainly sounds like you and your friend had a pretty serious conversation.

    @Ana, hmmm, the previous youngest ages I had heard of having sex was 9 & 10. I heard that the teacher of those 5 yr olds is danger of losing her job, even though she reported what she found right away to the school principal. I find that just ridiculous, how are you threatening the teacher's job over something that these kids learned either FROM their parents, or BECAUSE of their parents' lack of supervision? Its absolute nonsense. How do these people NOT expect things like this to happen with the hyper-sexualization of practically everything in the media? And with just using TV as a babysitter, giving kids full access to high tech & the internet…honestly, the parents of these kids should get a public flogging -_-

    Anyway, not much going on in my neck of the woods. Oh, except an older cousin (who is one of the few people who knows about my husband's adultery & 2nd marriage) is worried about my upcoming trip. She's warned me to be careful about eating or drinking anything when I'm at my in-laws' because they may poison me. I told her I'm only going to be in Pakistan for about 10 days, so I may just spend half the days with my uncle & half with the in-laws, and she said even 5 days is too much with the kind of people who could raise that excuse of a man laughing. She's a bit intense, lol. Now I'm wondering if my mom will get convinced by her to go along too, and though its not necessarily a problem to me, my mom always has a huge problem on this long trip and needs a few weeks just to recover, and just being there for 10 days is going to be a hassle for her, plus because I want to use the trip as a little break from all this, her being there isn't going to provide any mental rest at all laughing. Well, let's see if anything changes, I'm definitely not changing my plans though, plane tickets are no joke.

    Well, I'll talk to you guys later! happy

  • ana

    February 24, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    I just read online in the news that a teacher found 2 kindergarten students, age 5, a male and a female, naked in the classroom bathroom. When they were questioned by the teacher, they said they were having sex. surprise It appears kids are having sex at an earlier age these day, or are trying. I suppose at the age of 16 they may be ready for marriage i dont know

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Dear Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I pray you’ll feel better soon. Life is eye opening in itself. As Maryam said, we get to communicate with people from all over the planet. It’s eye opening. AmazementFeel better, get some rest and Insha Allah, we’ll all chat soon.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    February 23, 2014

    Dear Ana, last night was the most eye opening night for me. I am very shaken up. I am also not well. Will post soon.

    Salam

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    @Jenny,

    You do have the thickest skin of anyone I’ve ever known in life happy . You and Gail both are die-hards, without a doubt. I’ve never known anyone on the blog to take a beating like you two and still come back standing. It’s utterly amazing. I want to have your resolve when it comes to standing up for my belief in Allah.

    Jenny, I don’t think there is anything a single person can do when it comes to the Country of Pakistan. Even the so called religious leaders and scholars can’t do any thing. It’s the people and their hearts that have to change and no one can change it for them. You are correct that they go with the saying (that is no where in the Quran) that Paradise is at the foot of the mother. It’s the same as the ones who goes with the saying (that is no where in the Holy Quran) that a woman can enter any door of Paradise if her husband is pleased with her or the angels will curse her if her husband is upset with her. There’s a saying out there that pretty much says, if a woman is baking a cake, and is about to take it out the oven and her husband approaches her for sex, she is to drop her drawers, and let him have his way with her. It may sound offensive, but it is offensive.

    Just about everyone out there is worshiping someone or something besides or along with Allah. There are parents out there worshiping their sons. People worship the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) the same as the Christians worship Prophet Jesus (PBUH) who they think is the son of God. “Muslims” commit shirk an unforgivable sin daily by not being able to mention Allah swt name without mentioning His creation, a human being, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). There are some people who can’t mention the Quran, the Holy Book of Allah that He protected from corruption and completed with everything in it; it is replete in knowledge, but they have to mention along with the Quran books that man put together 200 years after Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) death.

    Allah is One. He has no partners. There is nothing and no one equal to Him. Only a few get it. Allah in the Holy Quran says He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. He says He teaches. Yet, there are those out there who want to be important, calling themselves scholars, sheiks, Imams, trying to give people the impression that they have some special knowledge about Islam when they don’t. They are out out there on this planet everywhere. I don’t see any positive changes they are helping to make in the Islamic communities. People saying you need fatwas, tafseer, hadith and Allah knows what else is out there, to get the correct understanding of Quran and Islam – THE LIES THEY TELL!!!

    Everyone is getting exactly what they deserve, no more and no less. Allah is a Just good.

    It’s my broken record that I play over and over and over again. polygamy 411 The nice thing about a blog is someone can click out of it, if they don’t like hearing something.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    February 23, 2014

    @ Ahmad

    It’s okay!!! happy I’ve been posting on here for years, hanging out with Ana. It’s hard to understand someone’s life from just a few posts. It’s all good!

    Ana will tell you, as an attorney, I have the thickest skin around!

    Have a great night!

  • Ahmad

    February 23, 2014

    Ok I wasn’t going to come back today but let me clean up some of the mess i made earlier happy
    Jenny, Sorry about not understanding your story so its your husband who wronged his first wife. You rather tried to connect him to family and support them financially. Sorry i got it all wrong.

    I am wondering if his mother’s death (fake) couldn’t make him to go back to Pakistan then what was it that made marry his cousin and go back three times before you met him.

    Well I better get back and pay attention to the only wife i have happy

    I/we will keep checking your stories

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Sister WiccanWoman,

    No worries. No harm done. Is there information on your website as to how people could reach you and see pics etc. ? We have a link to your blog here at the 411. It is at the top of the page under other blogs. Everyone who would like to contact Lady WiccanWoman or visit her site, please take a look at the other blogs at the top of the page and click her link.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    February 23, 2014

    Hi Wiccan Woman,

    Nice to meet you!

    Binky, you must be nearly married now, it was in a few days from when you posted? Inshallah you are well.

    Ahmed I don’t think Jenny was with her husband before his marriage/kids with cousin wife, so she cant be held responsible for his actions then (or even now, he is his own person).

    And Jenny has very honestly put out here her situation, so lets not be harsh on her.

    Men and women can be different things to different people. I dated a “gentle giant” once who confessed he used to beat his ex-wife!!! Even put her in hospital once. I couldn’t believe it. In 3 years he didn’t raise his voice once. Like Jenny said, its very hard to understand how 1 man can be so different.

  • Jenny

    February 23, 2014

    @ Ahmad,

    You’re absolutely correct. I could not stop my husband from going over there ~ I didn’t know him then! I didn’t meet him until years after his last trip (3 trips in total) and he never went back. His cutting her off happened a long time before we met, so I can’t be blamed for that either.

    My husband has not sent money back to Pakistan in many years. If I don’t send it, they don’t get it. There have been times they tried luring him back to Pakistan (even calling and saying his mother died) and when he didn’t go running back to Pakistan, they came clean with and he forbid me to send money back there.

    As far as Facebook land, my family is spread out. I have my daughters and mother in the south, family in Chicago, Israel (and in the Israeli Army) and Germany. This is our way of staying in contact with everyone and sharing our pictures. If they choose to look, that is on them. I’m sorry to come across sounding like a b*tch, but I change my life for no one, which is one thing about his kids coming here. I welcome them, but I will not change my life and marriage. For example, my husband and I are very physical ~ always holding hands and such. At night we may be curled up on the couch with our kids and be affectionate. I understand the touching is not Islamic. I will not change for anyone. Second thing, its been brought up here before by others that having Muslim children being in my Orthodox Jewish home may not be the best idea.

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Ooooops, Brother Ahmad, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I apologize. I didn’t read your email before approving it. I just saw it was from you and approved it. Alhumdulliah, you didn’t say anything that could be damaging. I’m not really with the blog too much today. I’ve been doing housework and then popping in here and there. What happened with your message was probably a warning for me to pay more attention here. Again, I’m sorry I posted the message.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Somewhere along the line, I missed approving some comments and left the blog. Everyone, I’ve sorry sad Please look back to make sure you didn’t miss reading something. Thanks! happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ahmad

    February 23, 2014

    Ok. I will share one more news story i read and them i am off for the day.

    Tongai “Dhewa” Moyo has amended a song that justifies polygamy, which was supposed to be on his latest album Toita Basa, apparently due to criticism.

    Some months ago, Standard Life&Style strongly criticised Dhewa when he performed the song at a show three weeks after the death of his first wife Barbara Muchengeti.

    Muchengeti committed suicide and the matter was linked to issues arising from Dhewa’s polygamy, which made the performance of the song after her death morally deplorable.

    Dhewa composed the song well before his wife killed herself and he seemed to initially overlook the coincidental implications of its lyrics after her death.

    Loosely translated, some of the original lines of the song went like: “I understand what most of you want. . . one husband and one wife. . . but women are more than men on earth. . . so who wants to remain single?”

    But the musician seems to have realised that Standard Life&Style’s criticism was constructive and has dropped the lines.

    Dhewa amended the lines that celebrated polygamy and brought in a version that focuses on resolving domestic disputes peacefully.

    Now the message on the amended lines is: “My wife let us keep our domestic conflicts under our roof because people will laugh at us if they know about it.”

    The News story is from 2011. The singer himself is no more as he died fighting cancer.

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Oh, Sister WiccanWoman,

    I wanted to mention – the reason we blog anonymously or use fake names is not because we have any shame of being in polygamous marriages. To use our real names and those of our co-wives and husbands and put all the information out there on cyberspace would be a violation of their privacy and it could be damaging to their reputation. It’s why we avoid using the true identity of anyone. There are some who have jobs that would be jeopardized, as well, should the employers get wind of who the persons are and their lifestyle. Quite a number of persons have lost their jobs due to information they posted on Facebook. Alex’s niece who just became an attorney was advise by the company that hired her, not to have a FaceBook page.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ahmad

    February 23, 2014

    Just came across this news. The polygamy gone bad
    HARIPUR: A woman committed suicide after gunning down her husband on Saturday, police and family sources said. Ghazi Police quoted Tasaduq of Umar Khana village as saying that his younger brother Tauseeq,41, and sister-in-law Shahida Bibi,32, went to sleep on Saturday night, but did not turn up for breakfast on Sunday. The complainant said that when his family members broke into their bedroom, they found both of them dead and a licensed pistol lying next to Shahida. Police confirmed that Shahida fired three shots at Tauseeq and killed herself with a shot in the temple. The couple had married 13 years back but Tauseeq re-married Faiza Bibi four months ago.
    Published in The Express Tribune, October 15th, 2012.

  • WiccanWoman

    February 23, 2014

    Oh gosh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to cause you any aggravation! sad Of course it’s your blog and your rules. Please forgive my disrespect… SisterWoman, I meant no harm.

    If anyone wants to reach me, please tell them how.

    I’d be thrilled if you would send me a postcard from Malaysia! I have a small collection of postcards, mostly antique, but some from friends.

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Hi Sister WiccanWoman,

    The meet up sounds like a lot of fun. happy It’s a good idea as to how we could go about it, continuing to use our stage names LOL Alex and I are considering vacationing in Malaysia, this year or the beginning of next, God willing. I’d love to meet our sister Laila there. We’ll see how it goes, but she offered to share with me some wonderful places to go to make our trip pleasurable. Thank you again, Sis Laila! happy

    Sisterwoman, I had to remove the link you put up, so to avoid having to deal here with a lot of links popping up in the future from everyone. If I allow one, then everyone joins the bandwagon. Then I’ve got my hands full at wits end I’m trying to avoid dealing with links as much as possible. No offense, sister. I’m just trying to cut down on my work in having to determine what to allow and what not to allow. I know you’d understand.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • WiccanWoman

    February 23, 2014

    Thank you so much! I will try to be around more often. If anyone would like to be my friend on FaceBook, just ask! I would welcome that.

    Also, I’d be happy to provide links that anyone can use to see my photos, even without a FaceBook account, to put a face with my words.

    I am OUT THERE about who I am (even when I attend my Catholic all-girls high school Christmas reunions each year). They all know what I am about. I am not embarassed or ashamed of my family or how I live my life. SisterWomen, I am NOT in any way insulting any of you who choose to be very private about your poly lives, not at all. You have your reasons, and I deeply respect that. In fact, I support your right to that privacy and I would fight for your needs! It is only that I cannot live that way myself. I am SO happy and SO proud to be a part of my family that I cannot lie about it. All our friends know, and my job knows, I will not lie about it.

    OH! I forgot to tell you that while my SisterWife was in the hospital, we re-did her upstairs private rooms. We had the old carpet pulled up, a new wood floor laid, painted her walls (4 colors, and white trim) and made a kitchenette! It was hard work and we had little time, but it got done and she is SO HAPPY with the result! In fact, I hired a very need female neighbor who is struggling to live, do wash, and I paid her $100 a day to help clean, move stuff, arrange, etc. Here is the link for that album:

    And if anyone would like to meet someday in NYC, I am all about that! I would bring my SisterWife with me, and we would wear a particular color so we could be spotted, maybe red or purple! With hats! LOL!! And we could meet at a table in a lovely restaurant… we could introduce ourselves as our blog names, and enjoy sharing a delicious meal and some gossip… and then return to our homes and our lives and our families without a worry.

    I, for one, would rather die than betray a SisterWoman. We all are of the same heart. XOXO

  • Ahmad

    February 23, 2014

    WiccanWoman,
    Kudos to you and your husband for all your generosity and kindness. You sure will be rewarded for your kindness. I wish speedy recovery for your sister wife and her sister to be able to enjoy her life of dignity and independence.
    Feels good to hear about such kind souls exist and make difference in the lives of those who are neglected and sometimes abused by others.

  • Ahmad

    February 23, 2014

    Jenny,
    The one who roamed the world, the one who has seen and understood that its everyone’s right to choose their partner needed to take a action and say NO. Where was HIS mouth to say NO (an actual NO not the middle road). The girl on the other hand we know is never given an option. He agreed to it, planned a trip, took the flight and went to Pakistan to marry his cousin or did someone kidnap him, took him all the way to Pakistan, made him get married and have sex with the cousin on gunpoint! He is the one who had sex with her (or you think she raped him!) not only once but he planned more trips to go back to his wife, had sex again and made babies with her.

    You might have all the control on the money and husband as you claim but you weren’t able to help him do the right thing, you weren’t able to stop him from getting married and making babies with a woman he was never going to be there for. How sad to hear you say that in Pakistani standards your husband and you are being kind to his other wife! I think you are enjoying this control over other woman’s life who agreed to getting married to your husband and has had sex with him multiple times and is a mother of his children. You weren’t able to stop your husband from doing this so now he is letting you feel in control by allowing you have all the accounts in your name and manage money and post on blogs, Facebook to rub it in his other families’ face.

    I am very familiar with all this, the mothers faking illness, family trying everything to make their son go back to Pakistan and marry that cousin for family honor. If he doesn’t do it what people will say, we won’t be able to show our face to anyone and so on. I have seen good examples too where the MAN put his foot down and did the right thing. All it takes is to tell firmly and respectfully that he CANNOT and WILL NOT do this and keep saying it until the family understands that this is their real intention and they are not going to change their decision. (One person i know faked depression and thwarting to kill himself the other told the family if you keep forcing me i will not talk to you and will never come back to se you). I do not approve of some of these methods but if families resort to blackmailing then these men too can take steps to not give in to blackmailing. The families love their sons more than anything once they get that nothing is going to work they stop their dramas, fake illnesses and start pleading with their sons to not abandon them and at least keep visiting them in Pakistan.

    Keeping all above aside, I completely agree with your thought that its all because of men’s double standards. The men come here and act all modern, wanting to marry a western woman or western born Pakistani but when it comes to dealing with situations back home they are same Pakistani men who think that its their cousin’s duty to marry them, serve their parents. They also secretly look forward to the excitement of getting married and having sex with this virgin who waited for years for them! They may say how they were forced into it but truth of the matter is that since their childhood, through their teenage thats the girl they dreamt about and knew as someone they will sleep with and have sex with. No wonder they secretly want to finally exercise their right on her. Keep guessing how i know this but its very true winking This whole arrangement makes their lives easier, all they have to do is send small amount of money back and they have a free housekeeper and caregiver for their parents!

    Shame on them and also the wives who say their husbands were helpless, innocent poor things forced into marrying their cousin! No grown man can be forced into this if only he is a man enough and have balls to do the right thing

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Hello there, Wiccan Woman,

    It’s so good to hear from you. Last time we spoke, we were speaking about you and some of us on the blog all meeting up someplace – probably in NY City to meet, greet and hangout for a while happy. Since then we somewhat unofficially decided it best to maintain our anonymity, at least for the time being sad

    It is so good to hear your sister-wife is doing so much better and her sister, as well. It was very good news. The two of them have been through an awful lot. There is light at the end of the tunnel, after all.

    I’d imagine your sister-wife did become a bit jealous about the attention you and your husband gave her sister. What’s important is to recognize the emotion and that it is not good and then learn to subjugate it. It’s challenging, but yet so rewarding when we get to a good place happy I’m sure she is way happy to have such warm, generous, and loving people as you and your husband as her family.

    You certainly was a bearer of good tidings. I’m so happy we stay in touch. Give my best to your family and stay strong, sister-woman Winking Victory Sign

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • WiccanWoman

    February 23, 2014

    My SisterWomen! This is WiccanWoman, and I greet you all with great joy!

    I have not been here in a long time (although I have been in touch with some of you, privately). I have been so preoccupied with worldly things, and have not had much time to write. I come here bearing lots of news which none of you know. Some of my news is serious (but not bad), and some of my news is happy and wonderful! I feel I must share with you because you understand the ups and downs of being in a poly family, and because you’ve been with me from the beginning even though my Triad is a non-religious marriage, but formed out of love, trust and respect.

    Do you remember my beloved SisterWife, Rhia? Do you recall that she has numerous physical and mental disabilities, and that often she was so devastatingly sad and in so much pain? Well, next month will be 6 years that she is with our husband and me, as a Polyfidelitous Triad.

    We had been discussing some changes, and in August 2013, we moved Rhia’s (older) biological half-sister from Rochester, NY to be near us on Long Island. She is mentally and physically disabled as well, and although she has family members in Rochester, they were taking advantage of her for what little amount of money she receives as disability. She already had Section 8 housing, and I found her a nearby apartment (large, clean and beautiful in a senior community only 2 miles from my home), and we helped furnish it. I hired some folks with a truck and car, and they drove her and her belongings all the way from upstate to her new home. Since then, with a little help from us, she has been able to live independently, she had 2 of her 24 grand-children visit her for Christmas (YES 24 grandchildren, and some GREAT-grands, too!), and she was able to gather enough strength to have knee replacement surgery last month. (She had hip replacement 3 years ago, and still needs another knee and hip). She is in a P.T. facility now, and should be discharged this upcoming Friday. (She really misses being in her own home, and misses being with her 2 kittens, Wizard and Morgana, which we got for her from a litter my Daughter had birthed in her closet upstate!)

    Well, in December/January, my SisterWife had some dangerous and serious surgery. Her 3rd ex-husband had been abusive to her – mentally, physically and sexually – and her internal organs had been damaged beyond repair years ago. She felt ashamed and embarrassed, and so she never wanted to tell her doctors. I encouraged her to have the damage repaired so she could live a “normal” life, and found some caring doctors for her. We happened upon a gifted, talented, kind and compassionate surgeon. He performed the 3 procedures – a bowel resection… repair of bladder and rectal prolapse… and a colostomy. It’s taking her awhile to deal with all the nuances with regard to the last procedure, because special equipment and items are needed to live cleanly and healthily, and at first she was so regretful and angry she had it done, but she is feeling much better now since she has had the time to learn how to make it work.

    Anyway, my precious SisterWife was feeling a bit sad, jealous and depressed because hubby and I had to spend so much time with her sister (who is NOT our wife LOL… she is only our sister), helping her with doctor appointments, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. We helped her express her feelings with her therapist and with her psychiatrist (who monthly prescribed her psych meds) and made an important decision – he began working to change her meds. And he DID it! Over the span of a couple of months, he manipulated her med schedule from some things to others, and finally prescribed a combination of medications that changed her world, and her life, for the better. In all the years I have known her, I have never, ever seen her this happy, calm, and in control of herself! After 40 years on psych meds, she has something that actually HELPS! She is the most “normal” she’s ever been in her life. Even when confronted by bad news (we learned only yesterday that her 2nd ex-husband died last August, only 4 days after his own sister died), she is able to maintain an even keel (sad but not hysterical). She has not been having nighmares (she used to wake up screaming) and she actually sleeps through the night! She has never been able to do that!

    So, sisters, I wanted you to know all this, and share my happiness. We’ve added a sister to our family, and our SisterWife is amazingly healthy for the first time EVER. When I see PEACE in her eyes… I see REAL PEACE… and I cry with joy.

    Please keep all of us in your prayers, and we will do the same!

  • Jenny

    February 23, 2014

    @ Ana,

    I think you hit the nail on the head. Double standard, yes, that is it. Often I’ve referred to it as day and night, but you pegged it right.

    Many times I’ve tried to understand the situation and come up with a solution. It is the mothers & fathers who create this situation. They are the ones to set up these hair-brained marriages in the first place! The son goes along with it because the mother will lay down a pile of guilt and heaven rests at the feet of the mother. To drive the point home, mommy will feign an illness and be lingering near death (but she can still plan a wedding despite being on death’s door). He has to obey out of family duty. A daughter literally has no choice, her very life depends on this marriage. To back up what I say, remember how the community was forcing me to represent the taxi driver that is now sitting in federal jail from as a result of his actions? We are in the 21st century and not in SWAT Valley folks, and it is still going on!

    It’s easy to blame the husband, but I have to say the wife should get her fair share of the blame too. When the oldest questions me and asks why he has to live this way, I have to direct him back to his mother. Why did his mother agree to marry a man that was not EVER going to live with her? Where was her mouth? No, she allowed him to roam the world. Did she really think he was going to work every day and ignore his manly urges because she was the damsel-in-waiting back in Pakistan? No, her actions created this heartache for everyone, including her children. My husband was straight up with everyone that he was never going to live with her and was not bringing anyone here to the U.S. Perhaps, like in Pakistani tradition, ignore what was said and figured they could pressure him to change his mind. It didn’t happen.

    The eldest son tells me he is not going to marry a son. I applaud him and I told him I would go to war with everyone in the family ~overruling his father ~ if that was his wish. The blood drained out of my husband’s face when I told him no cousin-marriage for Ibi.

    The one I feel the most frightened of his for his daughter, Maryam. I see her fate clearly mapped out. She is terrified into submission. When I spend time with her on the phone she is just like a shaking Chihuahua. I’m sure she will be married off soon, as she is past the age. She’s been brainwashed and I doubt I can save her. But the thing is, maybe there is nothing wrong with this??? Perhaps I should not change anyone to live the way I see as right??? What if she DOESN’T want help??? I’m judging right and wrong based on my culture and belief. Who am I to interfere if she, like her mother, chooses this as her way of life? Just like her mother and aunt, spending every day together, alone, knowing their husbands are in another country, married to women who spend his money, and they get nothing other than the roof over their head, living with all the relatives. Let’s face it guys, the Taliban is shaking things up over there! It will be just like Afghanistan before long. Sounds like a great life to me! {Gag!}

    Our children are on the opposite end of the spectrum. My husband sees our daughter, Hadassah, as the next great legal genius. Our boys he has planned to be doctors. No cousin marriages, no living in Pakistan, and no covering the face.

    Ana, you mentioned mistreatment. The three times he’s seen her, I find it unlikely he beat her. In Pakistan, her treatment is not considered bad. It is bad looking through the Western world view. She is allowed to live in the home, and yes, I was bad and made her get a job (in a school). I work my a$$ off, I’m not paying for her to stay home when I can’t. Her children are grown, mine are babies and I still work no less than 12 hours a day! She also has her kids, which from what I understand are ripped from the mother to live with the father (this is what my husband says Islam permits him). He’s been very humane to her. He could have kicked her out of the family house, ripped the children away from her, and not given her a cent. As bad as this sounds from our point of view, he was very kind to her by Pakistani standards.

    What I don’t understand, and talk about to get understanding, is how can this (I’ll use your words as it is better) double standard exist in the same man??? Gail has the same Jekyll and Hyde in her husband too.

    @ Laila,

    I love my Jewish home and life. Our life lives around Shabbat. Friday night (and also Saturday) it is all about family. Everything stops. I cook a huge meal, hubby brings flowers and sings to me “Aysheis Chail” (which is a song of Woman of Valor from the Torah). Quality time is spent. Catching up for the week. Family time, no interruptions, no TV, just shul and rest. In my culture, everything revolves around the family and the Torah. Not too unlike Islam, but our view of marriage is different.

    Right now I have to get back to work. So many things to do today!

  • Ahmad

    February 23, 2014

    Mari2,
    Feeling sorry for them (Pakistani girls) is ok but dont get annoyed with them. Get annoyed with the man who had a chance to make a difference and say this is wrong this cannot go on but they dont do this because they can still have a life here (and have a free caretaker for their parents back home).

    If anyone can do something about this tradition its the man. That woman in Pakistan has no choice. The man knew all along that their marriage has been arranged with this cousin they grow up thinking about her as someone who they have a right on. They may not admit it but most of the times they still have that Pakistani man in them who thinks that its that girls duty to marry them and to serve their parents and give them a grandchild. In west they want a wife of their choice too and most of them before even reaching here are dreaming of white women happy They know that they can have their cake and eat it too so they do

  • maryam

    February 23, 2014

    Binky,

    What about your family?

    Your family rejected him first time for cultural reasons.

    Do your family know he’s marrying someone else? I imagine they don’t.

    I do get frustrated with these men that think its perfectly honourable to marry someone their family chooses with no pure intention of being a good husband? Its like “kept my parents happy” check the box now il move on and find someone i want and live a nice, romantic life. Too bad about cousin-wife, she can just miss out as will any children he has with her.

    Its a disgusting double standard that implies HE deserves a loving marriage but his “family-chosen wife” just gets stuck with him forever. What about her feeling loved, respected, wanted, desired?

    I dont entirely blame the husbands. There are mothers and fathers putting their daughters in these awful marriages!!!

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Mari2,

    It’s all jacked up is all I can say. Whether tribal or culture, its not Islam. I’m going to, inshallah, stop concerning myself about it. Everyone gets exactly what they deserve – no more and no less. Allah is a Just God.

    Mari2, thank you for expounding on it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    Okay, the comments are in the proper order now. sigh

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mari2

    February 23, 2014

    @ Ana,
    I am not going to speak for Jenny, but will offer my own observations regarding Pakistani men, arranged marriages, and what is in reality “Islamaculture”.

    There does seem to exist to an outsider, a dichotomy within a Pakistani arranged cousin marriage. A Pakistani man may be promised in infancy to a particular cousin, and no matter where his life may take him, be it the UK, USA, or mars, there is the familial expectation that he WILL marry chosen cousin NO MATTER WHAT. No matter if he doesn’t know or care for her, no matter if she wants to marry another man. Too bad, so sad, do your familial duty and marry, have at least one kid to “advance and adhere” the inheritance. Like in the Tudor period, many arranged marriages in Pakistan are done solely for property, dowry, and “keeping it in the family” (no pun intended).

    So in one way, we women of the West (and I am speaking of me) will look at these Pakistani girls and think “There but the grace of Allah go I”. We are sooo lucky that we can choose (and we are). We are so lucky to have husbands many times who love us and actually WANT to marry us, not for property, or family duty or whatever. And while we feel sorry for them, I think our Western perceptions kick in and then we’re all like “Why didn’t you say No?” “Why are you (girl in Pakistan) complaining?”

    So yes, in a Western woman’s mind (and I’m sure there are some in Pakistan) we do both feel sorry for and then get angry at the girl for getting herself (though she had no clue) into a piss-poor marriage.

    So I do think there is a time and place for both feeling sorry for the girls, and being highly annoyed with them too…from my cultural perspective. I’ve been there too in Pakistan, and know the cultural perspective among many is “gimme, gimme”. Honestly Ana, it really is a vicious circle. There is an abject lack of choice where marriage is concerned, and bitter women in unhappy marriages create alliances for their own children without pondering on the source of their own bitterness and trying to do better by their kids. It is a tribal system for much of the country, and not just SWAT either.

  • Laila

    February 23, 2014

    Dear Jenny, can you please explain to me about a Kosher home and Jewish lifestyle? Im very very curious. I sometimes have my students asking about how Hitler killed so many people and what stuff he did. I believe if you explain, maybe I can have a better in-depth understanding other than depending on books which sometimes…. dont tell the truth.

    Salam.

  • Ahmad

    February 23, 2014

    binkyBritish,
    Please do a lot of thinking and take action. Looks like you came to this blog at right time. My wife’s message for you is that you ask him to be honest with his family. If he breaks the engagement it will be difficult time in short run but it will save his cousin’s life. You too will hurt all your life if you accept being a secret wife. If he is ready to get married to you secretly then in his families eyes he is not married and they will expect him to marry his cousin. You can be selfish and think he cannot bring her here because he is married to you. Think about when he will go there get married to his cousin and sleep with her while you will be hurting here.

  • Laila

    February 23, 2014

    Dear Ana and Ummof4, tq so much for your kind thoughts and very good advice on the matter at hand. Insyaallah I will convey whats been discussed and lets see how matters turn out. Will reply by tonight.{ hugs! 💞 }

    Salam

  • ana

    February 23, 2014

    binkyBritish, I’m happy to have you here with us happy

    I know what I’m about to say is speculation, and speculation is not good, but he was probably going to marry his cousin and not tell his family about you even if you had accepted his proposal the first time.

    You’re to marry him in a few days. Are you going to call the wedding off? If not, it appears you’ll have to go through what some on this blog have or what we’ve heard of. You’ll have to live as the secret wife, or convince him to tell his family about you, or you tell them. I don’t know whether he’s Muslim or not. You didn’t say. If he is, there is no reason for him to hide and lie the way he is doing. Polygamy is permitted. Why the secrecy? You should ask him, why. Forced marriages are not allowed in Islam. Consent is necessary. I don’t think anyone held a gun to your fiance’s head and forced him to marry his cousin. It’s all nonsense.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • binkyBritish

    February 23, 2014

    I have this issues, I’m marrying someone I have known for two year, he came And proposed. After knowing him for about 6 months , my parents rejected him because he was from a diffrent culture. Now he’s come back and proposed again and my parents accepted but when the first time he came and they rejected him his dad got him engaged to his Cousin. Now that he’s getting married to me in a few days. He doesn’t plan on telling his parents and family which concerns me.

  • ana

    February 22, 2014

    binkyBritish,

    I’m moving your comment from here to the newer thread that everyone is talking on. We would probably lose you, if you stay here. The new thread is:

    http://polygamy411.com/allah-permits-polygamy-for-all-men/

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    February 22, 2014

    One thing i truly love about this blog is the variety of circumstances.

    We hear the experiences of 1st/2nd/3rd/4th wives; muslims and others; men and women from all over the world.

    Laila and others give me insight into how it can be for second wives. Gail and Jenny i find extraordinary for being able to ride the rollercoaster of polygamy as non-muslims. Brothers give me insight into what my husband may think but not say?

    Ana and Ummof4 and others Jazakallah so much for reminding me my relationship with Allah is primary and it is that that will get me through this life, polygamy or not.

  • maryam

    February 22, 2014

    Thanks Jenny, and yes I’m good at the moment thanks!

  • ana

    February 22, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    My duah’s are with you for you and your friend. Insha Allah, she’ll begin to see thing more clearly once you point everything out to her. Tell her to turn to Allah swt for guidance as to how to proceed. Be safe.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    February 22, 2014

    Dear Ana, I am getting ready to go to my friends home now. May Allah s.w.t. guide me to guide this person.

    Salam

  • ana

    February 22, 2014

    @Jenny,

    About the question you asked Ahmad, which was where in Quran does it say want for your sister as you do yourself, anything written in the Quran is for both males and females unless the ayah specifically addresses one or the other. Sometime the ayat addresses males only. Sometime the ayat addresses females only. Sometimes it addresses both. Sometime it addresses a specific Prophet and sometime it addresses all Prophets. I could go on and on – sometimes it addresses Believers, sometimes Muslims. When it’s not specific, it’s for males and females. Throughout the Quran Allah speaks of charity and he speaks of zakat. He speaks of justice and kindness to all mankind. Islam is all about sharing, giving, generosity and spending on one another. We are a brotherhood. There is no room for selfishness in Islam. There is a particular ayah in the Quran in which Allah says we can not attain righteousness unless we give freely of that which we love.

    Jenny, I think some on the blog gets a bit confused with you and where you are coming from. You speak of the injustices done to women, in particular Pakistani women, yet you are married to a Pakistani man who, according to you, married his first cousin, hardly ever went back to visit her except to procreate and he allows you to give her what you want her to have monetarily and any other kind of way. You said he divorce her. Allah knows best. Divorce and marriage are easy in Islam to get out of and back into. Your husband has the same characteristics of the Pakistani men you describe that mistreat their wives. So, it’s why some probably scratch their heads sometime. It may be cultural and not Islam, but apparently your husband went along with the culture or is still going along with the culture. You say you don’t think it’s right, yet you condone it by bragging about what he did or is doing. So, there are Pakistani men married to Jewish women who mistreat their Pakistani wives. Do those men deserve accolades? What’s special about those men that you know. I’m not seeing it…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ahmad

    February 22, 2014

    Also i can’t claim to be an expert in Quran so i would rather not go into your question. I can say about my own limited view and thoughts that irrespective of being man or woman as a human being we should want for others what we want for ourselves.

  • Ahmad

    February 22, 2014

    Glad to know more about you Jenny. I wasn’t aware you are from a different faith so i take back what i said to you. Just wondering why your husband didn’t refuse to marry his cousin. I can see why their families agreed to all this. They always think that once he is married to her he will get attached to her to the kids and everything will be fine. It was your husbands responsibility to put his foot down and not spoil his cousin’s life. If he isn’t someone who can go against his family/culture then he should have thought about cousins life. Maybe after marriage he should have brought her out of Pakistan and helped her to be on her own feet with education or something and divorced her (ofcourse making her aware that this what he intends to do). Life for a divorced sister is not easy in Pakistan and I am sure your husband understands that very well so the least he could have done to help his cousin was to support her enough to come her in a society where she could have a better life and future as a divorcee. Just my thoughts based on what little a know of your family’s situation

  • Jenny

    February 22, 2014

    @ Maryam,

    I hope you are doing well!

    To answer your question, I did have to think about this for awhile. As Ana addressed below about the lady in Malaysia, she knew beforehand what she was getting into. I guess you could say the same thing about his cousin. It was an arranged marriage which he had no say so. Hubby was a U.S. citizen and made it very clear he was bringing no one here to the US and he wasn’t going to live with her. Her nikkah was not even in writing! She accepted that.

    I’m not sticking up for him at all. I only say that she and her parents (who have now passed) agreed to it all. So, there was fair disclosure.

    Pakistan is another world entirely and I cannot pass judgement on him. I can only pass judgement on hubby with his dealings with me. Since we’ve been married, he has been the best husband to me and an awesome father to our four children. He is my best friend and we are together 24/7. Despite our constant daily contact (our desks are three feet apart), we have never shot each other! happy

    I’ve come to accept that every couple creates their own marriage and one was not created with them. I do agree there is heartache over there. So much sadness! Now hubby’s sister is very sad because I opened my BIG mouth (an innocent remark on how pretty the daughter was ~ having no earthly idea my sister-in-law did not know they existed!). I thought everyone knew. If polygamy is allowed, why is it such a big secret and shame???

    I am in a very large Pakistani area and my situation is VERY common. Cousin wife lives in Pakistan and husband legally marries an American wife. Our little group of friends we have are mainly Pakistani men with Jewish/Russian Jewish American wives.

    @ Ahmad,

    Both myself and Gail are the resident Jewish folks here. Being Jewish, we have an entirely different view of marriage. I’m an Orthodox Jewess, we had both a nikkah and a huge Orthodox wedding. We keep a kosher home, raise our children Jewish. Everything in our life is Jewish. I know Muslim women say just what you said about wanting for your sister. I don’t say this lightly, but I really do pray for her and I hope she finds happiness. My husband divorced her two years ago (Has it been that long now?).

    A question, and I don’t mean to ask this disrespectfully ~ Where in the Quran does it say want for your sister as you do yourself? I know it says that for the brother. Where does this saying come from? Again, this is does not conform with a Jewish way of life.

  • ana

    February 22, 2014

    Ahmad, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    We have to remember that only Muslims who strive to be Believers listen to Allah, and want for their sisters-in-faith what they want for themselves. They fear Allah and His wrath and His Hellfire.

    I don’t like my husband’s other wife at all. I abhor her (what she is in faith – I don’t know. Don’t rightly care). She’s nothing that a Muslim sister would want married to her husband. Yet, I don’t try to interfere in their lives. I don’t try to deprived her of right treatment that a husband should give his wife/wives. It would say a lot about me, if I were to find joy in my husband’s mistreatment of his other wife and I were to accept it. What it says would not be good. We’re supposed to enjoin good and forbid evil.

    About a man wanting to invest 100/% of his time and money in one wife has nothing to do with his manhood. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a man and an Honorable man at that when he was monogamous and when he was polygamous. Monogamy and polygamy are both good. One is no better than the other. A man is permitted to be monogamous or polygamous. If a man is monogamous, it’s what Allah decided for him. If a man is polygamous, it is what Allah decided for him. If a man is single, it is what Allah decided for him. I think a problem arise when one try to debate that one lifestyle is better or worse than the other. There is no need to go there. Allah swt no where in the Quran said one of those ways of life was better than the other, other than to say that if a man cannot deal justly with regard to treatment of orphans, he should only marry one woman (the woman with no children or a woman who only has his biological children). Allah is stern and firm when it comes to just and kind treatment of orphans.

    There are men who are single, monogamous and polygamous who lie, cheat, sneak, hide and do all types of jacked up things. It’s not the type of marriage that makes them that way. It’s the people that are of bad character to begin with. We need to stop blaming the institution and put the blame on the people where it belongs.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 22, 2014

    @Abu Sayf Almur, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It’s nice to have you here with us. It was very nice of ummof4 to greet you. She gave you some EXCELLENT advice. The link to the post that she referred to is as follows:

    http://polygamy411.com/advice-on-how-a-muslim-man-should-approach-a-polygamous-marriage/

    The most important advice I could give you is to make sure first and foremost that the wife you intend to marry has a strong faith/belief in Allah. Question her thoroughly about her belief and what it is to make sure you and she are on the same page. If the priority in life for the two of you is to serve and worship Allah, knowing it is why He created us, you and she should be off to a get start.

    @Ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You advised Abu Sayf Almur from a whole different perspective than I had ever given thought to. I totally overlooked it. Problems could very well arise when a current wife wants a lot of say in the selection of her husband’s next wife. You’re right; he’s the one who will marry her and be intimate with her and share what husbands and wives share. His current wife may be in for a rude awakening when she finds herself excluded from all of it. It’s easy for women to be friends until her husband begins sleeping with her friend. Polygamy sound wonderful in theory, but in practice, it’s two different worlds.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    February 22, 2014

    Jazakallah ummof4 and good advice to our new member. I think I’ll show my husband that.

  • maryam

    February 22, 2014

    Hi Jenny,

    Have you ever felt so disappointed with your husband’s treatment of his Pakistani wife/children that you have at times disliked him for it?

    Yes Ahmed, monogamy or polygamy doesn’t doesn’t make someone more or less of a man in my eyes, it’s how well he treats his wife/wives that does.

  • ummof4

    February 22, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Maryam, there is a relationship status on facebook that has it so that only one person can be married to someone on facebook. I don’t know about the other question.

    Abu Sayf Alnur, welcome to the blog to you and your wife. A few words of advice. Only you will be marrying a second wife. Your present wife will not be gaining a wife. You may or may not be one big happy family. Your two wives may lead completely separate lives from each other. And that’s okay.

    When a husband and wife search for a second wife for the husband as a team it may work out well. However, be prepared for it not to work out well. Your wife may be looking for certain traits that she feels will make her happy with the situation. You may be looking for certain traits that will make you happy that will be different. You are the only one who will be intimate with a new wife, you are the only one who will spend private time with her and share your private thoughts with her, not your present wife. Also, the prospective wife may not want your present wife involved in “selecting her”.

    Often as women we may think that we are compatible with another woman as a co-wife, until the second woman marries the husband. Be careful, do not misrepresent yourself and watch out for a prospective wife misrepresenting herself.

    Please make sure that you are a person who can control his emotions well. Make sure that you can financially support two families. Do not make promises that you know you cannot keep to your present wife or to your prospective wife.

    There is a previous thread that Ana can find that I wrote as advice for men seeking a second wife. Maybe Ana can write the link for us again.

    Where to find a woman willing to be your second wife? I don’t think there is any one place to look. Where did you find your first wife? Are you a member of a Muslim community? If so, just put the word out that you are looking for a second wife, and In shaa’Allah, if it is written for you to have a second wife, you will.

    A word of caution- do not become so obsessed with marrying a second wife that your relationship with your present wife becomes strained. Continue to work on your present marriage to keep it happy and stable. Be patient and take your time. Polygyny is not for the faint of heart and can be a struggle for most people. It looks fine for many people until it finally happens, and reality sets in.

    May Allah grant all of us success in this life and the next.

  • Ahmad

    February 22, 2014

    Wrote the last comment in a hurry i hope you get the gist of what i am trying to say.
    Jenny, I like that you can be yourself and can control family’s finances and all. Its nice that you are keeping touch with his kids. I am wondering why your husband even married his cousin if he knew he cannot be there for her and for the kids. My heart goes out to all the women who are married but could never have a real married life sad
    Its sad that how many sisters here express almost a relief that their husband isn’t interested in spending time with the other wife (generally the one in Pakistan). I think you should want for your sister what you want for yourself. no offense but it is what it is

  • Ahmad

    February 22, 2014

    Sister Ana and ummof4, I agree that these men who made a decision to live polygamous life need to man up. I think they are the ones who want benefits of polygamy but rant man enough to face challenges that come with it. Once they have taken the decision there shouldn’t be no room for the lies, deceit and favoritism because it hurts #2 who is also a human being and deserves love and respect. At the same time I dont think that caring for your first wife and kids, not wanting to hurt their feelings and desire to invest 100 % of your time, money on them doesn’t make someone a lesser of a man.

  • ana

    February 22, 2014

    Ummof4 said: “I agree that men who seem to be ruled by their wives (or lie and say that their wives rule them and they cannot do anything to upset her) are not the ideal candidates for polygyny. They lack the backbone that is necessary to deal with two or more women and their personalities. And it often seems that their first wife is their real wife and their second wife is just their piece on the side.” thumbs up

    These weak men need to man up! Grow some b@lls. Big ones. laughing

    surprise Ooooops, I got carried away.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 22, 2014

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum

    My take on the cousin friend of yours is this:

    She is trying to place all the blame and fault on her husband and it is not where it all belongs. He should not have to take the weight of it all. She is just as much at fault and to blame as he is.

    First, as he stated to her, she willingly agreed to marry him under the conditions that they were married. She willingly agreed to be a second wife. according to you, he said, “she was so adamant to get married and be a second wife.” She willingly agreed to go with him to the border of Thailand to get married knowing the marriage certificate would not be accepted in Malaysia.

    About the first wife, you said, “He did try initially to hide the second marriage from her, but she found out. So her condition are such that he doesn’t stay nights.” I don’t know when his first wife found out about the second marriage (the day of, the day after or several months later). Nonetheless, we know he has never spent the night with his second wife in two years.

    The second wife has to consider that she signed up for all of it. Now she wants to change the game plan. She knew the marriage was invalid in Malaysia. She knew he wanted to keep the second marriage a secret from his wife. She agreed he would not stay nights. Now, she wants to make him the bad guy for something she took part in.

    The second wife went to see a religious teacher who advised her to register the marriage in Malaysia and pay the penalty fee. She wants to do it, but he said, NO (no dice). He wants to stick to their original agreement.

    Whether the first wife tore up the marriage card that the husband and the second wife obtained at the border of Thailand or he tore it up, really doesn’t matter. We know he doesn’t want documentation of the marriage, which is apparent by his refusal to document the marriage in Malaysia. Can’t the second wife go to the place where she obtained the marriage card at the border of Thailand and get a copy of it for her records?

    Of course, he would be relieved that the second wife miscarried, as he doesn’t want the marriage anyhow, based on what we know. He took the marriage card to his first wife’s home, knowing she was adverse to the second marriage.

    To sum it up, she and he had a meeting of the minds when they agreed to marry. They agreed to marry and the marriage would be a secret. For two years, she accepted that he did not spend nights with her. Now, she wants her marriage to be public and she wants all her rights.

    This happens quite often. A woman will marry a married man and give up practically all her rights, but after they’ve been married for a while, she then decides she wants what was always due to her. Well, he may either oblige her or not. If not, she could continue to live her life with him as is or have him divorce her. She has to share in the responsibility for what she contracted with him from the beginning. She is just as guilty in it all as he is.

    Secret marriages are not Islamic. She agreed to it, now she can get out of it, if it pleases Allah, by requesting he divorce her. She can’t control her husband. She can have a say in what happens with her. Allah knows best!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    February 22, 2014

    @ Laila & Ahmad,

    Just like there are some men who have no business in polygamy, same can be said for some women. What some wives fail to realize that when their husbands take another wife, she has no idea what kind of bills of goods he sold the second wife. Personally, I am the classic example of someone who has no business being in polygamy. I’m not saying I’m against it, its just not me.

    After hearing some of the stories here, I am thankful for my husband’s honesty. He wasn’t pushing polygamy, but he had a cousin he had to let go of slowly. He never lived with her and in the 17 years he was married, he saw her only three times ~ to marry and sire children. Polygamy was never on the table, nor would I accept it because that is not what I was promised. Once I was convinced I would not be a home-wrecker, I married the old fool. With us, I hate to say it, but it was love at first sight. We met on my doorstep and he asked me to marry me within the first minute.

    My husband is not a leader. He has a big heart, soothing demeanor, and the ability to talk anyone into anything. He’s not the sharpest at business either. Hubby has said to me that our strengths compliment each other. I am the leader, the money handler and makes the decisions. He would not do well in polygamy because I would not give up my control. I’m the control freak and my husband doesn’t like being the alpha dog ~ he doesn’t handle stress. Monogomy suits us well. His Muslim men tease him about my running the show, hubby throws his hands up in the air and smiles and says “She’s only doing what G-d wants her to do for me.”

    I’m a very independent person, my husband depends on me to a degree. I would lose it if my husband controlled the money ~ giving me an allowance. Funny thing though is I have accounts in my name only. I offered to put his name on them but he said no.

    From my own experience of the polygamy I lived is it creates a sh*tload of pain. Here’s what I have to deal with now, even though we are monogomous, there is still fall out ~ his children.

    The oldest sends me things he pulls off the net. The other day he sent me an article (I’ve read this one a long time ago) about a young son asking his father how much money he made in an hour and wanted to pay for his fathers time. Then I get questions like, “Is my father a kind person or a mean person.” Other times I get questions such as, “Why did it have to be like this???” When I’m on the phone with him (everyday) I hear his mother in the background now yelling at him to get off the phone.

    His children stalk my Facebook page ~ as well as everyone in his village. I know the kids are hurt when they see us on vacations, hubby and I always have this habit of mashing our face together in pictures (its the profile picture too). They see how our relationship is: laughter and love and they never had it in their lives before.

    Ok, so we can say hubby doesn’t manage things over there very well. Got it and I agree totally. But the situation is what it is. Personally, I wouldn’t tolerate it, which is why I don’t have the issues they have over there. Our children get their father’s attention every day and are with us together 24/7. As you know we own our business and work together.

    That’s another thing. We own our business and work together 24/7. If there was another wife, that would NEVER work. I am extremely territorial.

    My first hand impression of polygamy, based on what I see is not good. I know of one family who made it work ~ he had three wives. I’ve mentioned them before. Being in the middle of Little Pakistan, I see so much horror. I’ve given free legal services to several Pakistani women to escape their nightmare.

    I don’t have to even venture far from my own family. My husband’s sister’s husband lives in Florida and is married to an American woman and like me, has a gaggle of kids too. I didn’t know this until recently (when I opened my mouth innocently ~ I swear!) but no one in Pakistan knew that the husband had all these kids and a wife in the US!!! So I have this mental picture of hubby’s sister and hubby’s cousin sitting on a couch together….waiting…. Their husbands’ never return. In the family eyes, the men did nothing wrong. OK, not Islam, but Islamaculture. If this is happiness, you can keep it!

  • ummof4

    February 22, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Laila, I would suggest the following for your friend if she wants to stay married to her husband.
    1. Pay the penalty if she can afford it. Without a valid marriage certificate she has no way to prove that she was married.
    2. Go to the masjid community that her husband is a member of and speak to the leader (imam, sheikh, amir or whatever he is called)and tell him the whole situation. If her husband is an active member of the community he will probably respect the leader more than he respects his wife. He also will
    not want to be embarrassed in front of the whole community.

    The leader will hopefully also be able to advise your friend about what to do with the situation according to Islaam.

    3. Your friend’s husband is a liar and a cheat. He may not be telling the truth when he says that his other wife tore up the marriage certificate (Why would he take it to their home if he knew that she would be upset with polygyny?)He may also be lying when he says that his other wife won’t let him spend any nights with your friend. Why does his other wife control him?
    Your friend has to be able to handle whatever happens. Worst case scenario would be that her husband denies ever being married to her and /or divorces her. Best case scenario would be that he acknowledges her as his wife, pays the penalty, legalizes their marriage and start to give her all of her rights as a wife.

    May Allah help both of you as you deal with this issue.

    I agree that men who seem to be ruled by their wives (or lie and say that their wives rule them and they cannot do anything to upset her) are not the ideal candidates for polygyny. They lack the backbone that is necessary to deal with two or more women and their personalities. And it often seems that their first wife is their real wife and their second wife is just their piece on the side.

    May Allah grant all of us the ability to be righteous spouses and to serve Him as He should be served.

  • maryam

    February 22, 2014

    Ina,

    Could it help if there are facebook rules like only sending private msgs etc?

    Im not on facebook so some other sisters could give better advice how to manage it?

    Isnt there a relationship status that says engaged/married etc? Does it allow more than one?

  • Abu Sayf Alnur

    February 22, 2014

    Asalam Alaikum. My wife and I have decided to take on a second wife, Alhamdulillah. Would you have any advice or do you know where we should look to find a good co-wife to join our family? Jazakallahu Khair.

  • maryam

    February 22, 2014

    Salam alaikum all,

    Ina, see the potential co’s games for what they are, games to make you jealous. Don’t let it wind you up. When necessary talk calmly to your husband about the issues as you have been doing.

    Your husband already sees a few problems and, through lack of other options, is hoping she will grow up. He may find it’s got nothing to do with age, it’s just her nature or influence of her family. But you will be fine if you keep doing what you are now. It will get easier with time Inshallah. Only Allah knows if they will marry, stay married or not, have children or not.

    Ahmed i was touched by some of your comments and inshallah you continue to be blessed with happiness in your marriage.

    Laila, when i was contemplating being a 2nd wife (didnt happen) i felt the same that my co would “open her arms” to me. That was almost a romantic fairytale as well. I dont recall any of the Prophets saw wives being ecstatic when a new wife came! Then we i became a 1st teettering on the edge of polygamy i felt completely different. I’m still on the edge but am feeling better if it happens.

  • Spirited

    February 22, 2014

    Salaam all,

    @Laila, first of all, I wanted to say that what you said is sooooo true about men jumping into polygamy thinking it’ll all magically work out while they just enjoy themselves.

    On the other hand, I don’t agree with you that if the man’s current wife (or wives) were to go out of their way to be accomodating to an additional wife, that the additional woman would be great with the current one(s). It depends entirely on the way the husband handles it and the personalities of the women. Anyway that’s what I think. Good luck with advising the person you’re going to go see.

    @Ana, lol so much to do with the blog laughing. I totally get that it’s not good to share pics on the blog, I meant I would share with you only on email. happy Although I’m not sure if I’m going to take very many anyway, its not a lot of time to be over there.

    You’re right, stress can show up in lots of ways, and sometimes we don’t even notice. I hope the trip will help with that. I wish I didn’t take that class for the semester that I’m taking (just so I don’t feel like I’m wasting time while waiting for test results & to keep myself busy). Without it, I could have spent more time on this trip!

    @Ina, the facebook thing kind of sounds like a jab. But at the same time, it also sounds like she is actually wondering if you’re ok with the idea of her being a co-wife. Can’t really tell right now :/ Of course, I don’t even trust my own impressions of things anymore, so what do I know laughing Maybe time will tell. And you could always ask Allah to clear things up for you happy

    Alrighty, I’m going to take care of a few things before I head off to the movie/shopping with a cousin. Talk to you guys later happy

  • Laila

    February 22, 2014

    I think in the other threads, we have always talked or blogged about the way the man approaches another woman for her hand in marriage. We have failed to notice that, that isn’t just the issue. The issue is on the right of the other wife.The emotional, physical and sexual needs. The need to also be accountable financially. We also did not really discuss about the role of this new wife. What are her expectations in the marriage? What does she expect from not only her husband but her co-wife as well.

    Then what can co-wives DO to make the new wife feel welcomed and be part of the family and not actually create wars from day one. Sometimes when I think back about matters, if only my co-wife had been kind to me, welcomed me, I would have given everything to make us all feel like a family. I know I can.

    I also am of the belief that men really sometimes don’t have a clue s to what they are getting themselves into when they re-marry. They think all matters will work out on it’s own, magically. That no effort is needed. But the one thing looked forward to is the sex which in their eyes is halal.

    I am meeting this lady up tomorrow and will see what can be done. Personally, I feel this is all so messed up.

    Sorry for the super long responses. I just felt like sharing tonigh Ana.

    Salam.

  • Laila

    February 22, 2014

    I am supposed to meet her up tomorrow afternoon. My aunt feels that Ive sort of got a marriage which is way stabalized and I am a tough cookie in my own right. She’s hoping that I can talk some sense into this girl / woman to be more adamant and assertive of what she wants in her marriage. Because right of now, he only gives her money for food and that’s about it. He has five kids from the other side and personally I don’t think he can manage more. My aunt is pissed off because she feels that he’s not a good husband and that their marriage lacks and form of structure and rules. I feel the same too.

    People generally always blame men for the mishaps that occur in polygamous marriages. I personally feel that sometimes we women need to also look into our sides as well. Why get involved with married men? She’s in her late thirties and so the urgency to tie the knot is there I guess. But seriously, why get involved with men who themselves are not financially stable? Who can’t handle the emotional issues that will be created by the first wife?

    I think even if polygamy is legalized in many other countries, issues on time / finance will all play a hand. I also feel that polygamy is not ideal for men who aren’t good leaders. Meaning these men are slaves to their own wives to begin with. They can’t make a decision on what they want. get married at the spur of the moment and now, enjoy the woman sexually and pay for food only? I also blame my friend’s cousin for being so naive in matters such as this. She’s way older than me and yet I feel she lives in her own world. When he tells her off all she does is go into a corner and cry. She doesn’t want to face the issue, DIRECTLY.

  • Laila

    February 22, 2014

    Dear Ana, I am well aware that this new thread is on that all men are allowed to polygamy. Believe it or not, just last weekend, I received a call totally out of the blue from a dear friend’s adopted mum that’s also close to me. After the call, I drove down to my aunt’s house [ friend's mums house ] and I was how would you put it, all the women vented to me and hope very badly that I can settle stuff out for ONE niece.

    This aunty is actually my friend’s mum’s younger sister. Due to the issues of divorce and polygamy and financial aspects that was not stable, my friend was taken or adopted from very young. My aunt did that because she felt that if she did not intervene, my friend would grow up to be a wild child. Anyway, I met this friend when we were house mates and we were renting together when we were studying in University. She’s Muslim by the way.

    Okay, here’s the ISSUE at hand. My friend’s hubby nearly remearried a married woman when her marriage was only like a year old. She came to me and I sort of gave her some advise about how the polygamy lifestayle would be, if he remarried. I think in some ways, she could not accept such a lifestyle and actually filed for a divorce. Her husband was all to stunned and totally abandoned the idea. Her excuse or reasons were in my point of view, valid. They both started working and they were not financially stable as yet. The woman that he wanted to re-marry was also someone’s wife. So in short, my friends parents went beserk and she did what she thought was the right thing to do. Now all is well in their marriage and both are working towards goals that are ideal for the family. She just recently gave birth to their second child, a daughter.

    My friend has a cousin whom I have a not very close relationship, but we are on good terms. She has been involved with a married man for years. Till two years ago he married her in secret. In my home country, I did say that polygamy is legal. If a man shows that he’s financially stable and can manage another family, the Islamic / Syariah courts will allow it. Usually in many cases, the first wife’s consent / signature is needed to sign the form of the next marriage. After marriage, the couple is usually issued a marriage card, for both of them. This is to be carried at all times. Because in Malaysia, many lie about being married but check into hotels. So if there’s a random check at the hotel, you as a married couple wouldn’t have to feel fearful, the documentations are all there.

    In her case, which I was not aware initially.They tied the knot secretly at the border of Thailand. In the eyes of God you are husband and wife, but when you come back to Malaysia, the legal laws or marriage laws does not accept your marriage certificate. Hence, the penalty that most couples need to pay. Which is around, a thousand dollars or so. Ana, you might ask this. If polygamy is legal why on earth do couples carry it out in secret? Well not all men are elligable, and not all first wives will sign the consent form. However, if your finance is strong, usually the consent of the first wife in signing the papers isn’t needed. In my case, my hubby out of ego, didn’t get my co to sign. My co made him feel like a child and so in a childish manner, he just turned his back on her when it came to the paper work. Well enough of me now…

    So, for the two years that this couple is married, her hubbs has never spent even one night at her home. He meets her up for lunch etc. Pretty much like my case in the past. Now that she’s asking him to stay nights, he just ignores her. To make situations even worse, he took their marriage certificate to his other home. When his other wife saw it, she tore the paper to shreds… Horror 101…. He did try initially to hide the second marriage from her, but she found out. So her conditions are such that he doesn’t stay nights.

    My friend’s cousin is now very tensed up because they don’t live in the same city. So when she does take a drive to meet him, they end up staying for a few hours in a hotel room and she feels that if anything were to happen, what’s her proof to show that they are both husband and wife? Then when consulted with an Ustaz [ religious teacher / man ] he advised her to register the marriage in Malaysia and pay the penalty fee. She’s all up for it. However…. he’s not. He keep’s sitting on the matter and just pretends to be deaf and dumb in this matter.

    She is very stressed and tensed up. For the past two years, he’s never even visited her when Eid is celebrated. She’s most of the time on her own. Sometimes in utter anger / sadness she runs to my aunt’s home. When she stresses on the need to re-register, he will bring up the matter that she was the one who was so adamant to get married and be a second wife.

    Things have taken for the worse now. When she asks him to spend weekends instead with her, he coolly tells her that she needs to fill up her time with activities and other types of work. She miscarried just recently and she confided in my aunty that he’s sort of happy / relieved because in Malaysia, if you don’t have a proper marriage cert, a new child born will not be able to carry his father’s name.

    Now just of recent, he’s refused to answer her calls… You know what’s the most suprising part in all this? He’s an active member and also a committee member in the mosque in my community. I know him but not personally because he lives in the condo area next to mine. What a mess….

  • Laila

    February 22, 2014

    Dear Ina, just a quick one before I eat my dinner. Facebook is a HUGE nuisance. In the past hubbs used to tell me that it breaks up families, and causes a lot of married women and men to have illicit affairs. I used to think he’s just being anold grumps… how true. I used to askhimto open up an account and he never did. Till his reunion came along and his friends from childhood opened up one for him in order to communicate well. He carried out his reunion in his other home. When he was home on my side, he opened up about the story of his account. I was so hurt. Here I was as a wife asking him to get one opened up and he didn’t. He gave in to his friends. Then…. the big pandora’s box opened. When he allowed me to view his account, all his friends had tagged pictures of him, and her and the reunion at their home. I was so UPSET…. so, now… I don’t bother to even friend him on my account. I hardly post pictures of him. Many of my university friends have asked to see his pictures. I decline politely.Even the other day, he asked me in a indirect manner as to why I don’t include his pictures into my account. My answer? Because my account is all about ME, my activities, and my friends. I like spouses being separate. He got the idea.

    You just have to learn to ignore it. The more you show that you’re hurt, the more your co will in some twisted manner get some glee knowing that shes created some fire works between you and your hubbs.

    Okay, time to eat now happy😋

    Salam

  • ummof4

    February 22, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    To everyone, shukran for your kind comments. My marriage is not perfect, but my husband and I decided many years ago that we would put Allah first, try to love and obey Him, and then see what would happen. What happened was Allah gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want; and Allah helps us through every test that we encounter. We operate as a unit, not as individuals when it comes to our marriage, even though we both have strong personalities. It is not as difficult as it seems sometimes; each individual just has to submit his/her will to the will of Allah. In the short time that I have been on this blog, I have witnessed transformations in sisters when they realize that Allah is in control. Their husbands also often change for the better when they witnesss their wives putting Allah before their husbands. May Allah help us all to worship Him in the proper way.

    Ina, I agree, it appears that your future co-wife (only Allah knows if they will marry or not) is definitely trying to get and keep your attention. She knows that you follow your husband’s facebook page. Her intentions may be that she is excited to be getting married and is sharing her happiness with the world. Or her intention may be to make you more jealous than you already are, and to make you think that your husband loves her more than he loves you and is planning to replace you with her. Only Allah knows her intentions.

    So what do you do? My advice is to try your best to make sure your marriage is rock solid. Don’t get upset with your husband because of what she does. Stay as calm as you can and continue to be a loving, caring wife. I believe that you had some financial issues to work out with your husband; spend your energy on that task.

    You will be jealous, that’s a natural emotion. But jealousy can be controlled. Even if it seems that your husband is “on her side”, don’t let that concern you. As several of us have stated previously, men often have blinders on when it comes to women with whom they are infatuated. After the honeymoon period is over, they see the women for who they truly are.

    It is purely your husband’s decision to marry or not to marry. Carry on with your life and marriage, but don’t make his impending marriage the focal point of your life. Keep on working, spending time with friends, making salah, learning Islaam, taking care of your children (if you have any, I don’t remember).

    To everyone, this may sound kind of cold and uncaring, but it is the truth. Our husbands can die today or tomorrow. If they are more important to us than ourselves, the loss can be so devastating that we have nervous breakdowns or go into a state of major depression. If Allah is most important to us, we will be sad and lonely, but we will go on with our lives still serving Allah and remembering the good life we had with our husbands; we will be able to make du’ah that Allah has mercy on their souls and we will be reunited with them in Jannah.

    To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. We do not own ourselves, we belong to Allah. So if we do not even own ourselves, how can we own our husband or wife or children?

  • Ina

    February 22, 2014

    @ Ummof4, your husband is a rare gem. From the way you write, you sound very special too. May Allah grant you and your husband Jannah together.

    I have come a long way to accepting polygamy…this blog has helped a lot (thank you Ana). My instincts tell me, somehow, my future co-wife is not ready for polygamy. Maybe I am judging her actions too harshly. My husband can see that her some of her actions are not in the best character but he thinks she will change because she is young.

    I know I should not read her facebook page because it will only upset me but even I don’t , she is tagging her posts to my husband’s facebook. Her latest post is telling my husband how much she loves his gifts to her, thanking him for doing things to make her happy, for his time and love.

    Then she had the tenacity to ask my husband how I was doing. I asked my husband why did she ask me and he replied because she was concerned about me but then changed to everyone is concerned about me. Concerned about me? Really? After tagging pictures and posting that on his facebook, she was concerned about me! I think she was asking to see if she’s done enough to cause problems in my marriage. She must have been disappointed when my husband said I am doing ok, alhamudulillah.

  • Ina

    February 22, 2014

    Assalamualaikum brother Ahmad,
    If only my husband thinks about polygamy in the same way as you do. He is definitely marrying for youth/looks rather than character. If he chooses someone older/not as pretty then people will gossip. People gossip regardless and we should not base on decisions on what other people will think. He knows she is not perfect but he said its hard for him to find someone who will marry him and I quote “the good ones dont want him”. But why marry someone who turns you into a liar?

  • Laila

    February 22, 2014

    Dear Ahmad, I’ve read your reply and was a bit taken aback by some of the personal experiences accounted. In short, this is what I think of the whole matter.

    Life will always have the positive and negative side of every aspect. That IS LIFE. It’s up to us on how to deal with these issues and come up with ideal solutions that can minimize the stress. In regards about the threesome, yes, there are men who are such. They love to make the woman feel dependant, it probably is an ego booster for them. I think in every Muslim country / community, you will come across a percentage that are really scum. They take, use what they want from the teachings of Islam to suit their personal needs. Let’s not go far. You’re touching on how men use polygamy for their personal needs. Guess what, in my home country, there are women who are all covered up, preach about Islamic teachings but still get caught by religious officials having sex in hotel rooms. You still have a percentage of women who are married having affairs with other married men in my country. You also have women who prostitute their own daughters to their newly married husband so as to make him stay…. [*Please take note, Im not attacking women, Im just giving examples ].

    When I read or come across such situations, I just walk away. I do so because I don’t want to get caught up in negativity. Neither do I want to associate myself with such behaviour. There are many Muslims in our planet that don’t set examples for their children. All they ever want is their fun, their needs to be fulfilled, and their enjoyment. Ive got a friend who’s a divorcee, mother of two. Till today she takes her two daughters to the lounge in a hotel to listen to live bands. Im not against anyone visiting lounges. My only complex with this picture is this, when your kids are below 12 years old, do you think it’s suitable? She mixes with guys. In order to ‘date’ look for a candidate, she brings her kids along. My question is this, ‘do you think it’s right?’…. Just recently she got married for only TWO WEEKS and got herself a divorce. Her issue? Sex wasn’t great, and the guy is too old or he’s being a fuddy daddy [ old geezer ]. In all this, she’s now going through her own depression, now tell me, what example is she setting?

    There are also a percentage of Muslims out there who follow polygamy and go the right way.However, there are times where there will be some challanges faced. I think that’s normal. The problem is sometimes it’s over amplified because it’s a polygamous set up. Everyone get’s so touchy and sensitive and will talk all about love… seriously, how about men [ Muslim and nons ] who engage in affairs? How about that? Did they take into account of the contributions of their wife and their love towards their wife when they get busy in the bedroom or worse produce a few children out of the mess?

    Love to me is different. I don’t believe love is what is portrayed in films on tv. Where one man is to be a slave for the woman. I don’t like the idea where the woman plays the role of the ‘ultimate queen’. Im a second wife. I believe my husband loves me and my co. But in different manners.He appreciated our differences and sometimes he does f*** up big time. But after the dust settles and I am more relaxed, I do see the bigger picture.I know he loves me enough to make me his wife and set up a home and pay the bills. I know he loves me enough to not make me engage in sex before marriage. I know he loves me enough by coming out clean to his other wife way before we tied the knot. I know he loves me by taking his wife out on a holiday and to ‘talk’ to her…..

    I agree with Ummof4. U’re not meant for polygamy. But then again, please don’t give polygamy a bad name. Not everyone out there is a big bad wolf. We are all here, being tested by Allah s.w.t. and striving to do our best, and not be manipulated by our nafs and syaitan.

    Ive just come to a conclusion that, there are MANY Muslims out there. But how many of them are PRACTISING the true Muslim teachings. Instead of judging them, let’s pray that Allah s.w.t. changes them for the better….

    I just fed a litter of hungry stray puppies. Two are already dead… Just saw the carcasses. How many out there are willing to set aside some time and just feed a few hungry strays? … The world is messed up Ahmad, so we must first start with ourselves. Insyaallah positive vibes and goodness will follow suit.

    Salam

  • ana

    February 22, 2014

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Sounds like you’ve got a nice trip planned. I pray everything goes super well for you happy It would be nice if you get a chance to post here while you’re gone, but certainly I’d love to here from you via email. no doubt. Insha Allah, I’ll make my intention to check my mail daily while you’re gone.

    One time, I tried to post pics here on the blog of one of Jenny’s vacations. She gave me permission to post them. I posted them and they soon thereafter were removed. I think Google had something to do with removing them, as she sent the pics to my gmail account. Anyhow, it may be best that I not post any pics, regardless, from anyone. It would only add more work for me here on the blog. I’ve got enough work here on the blog LOL. No, seriously sigh Oh, my goodness happy

    We can suffer from stress in ways we don’t even recognized at the time. It makes sense that you’re exhibiting signs of stress, as you’re still new to polygamy. In my early days of it, I recognized signs. I had a couple of nightmares in which I woke up screaming and I mean loudly. One time I was alone at home. Another time Alex and I were away (I can’t remember where. We’ve been away so many times and so many places), it was nighttime and we were sleeping. It was pitch dark in the hotel room. (it must have been a business trip of his) He went to the bathroom and I didn’t hear him go. Suddenly I woke up and saw this silhouette coming towards the bed. I thought it was coming towards me. I began to SCREAM at the top of my lungs, like I was in a horror movie. I’m surprised security didn’t come knocking on the door. It’s how loud it was. I don’t know what Alex said or how I came to realize it was him, but I did. He came running over to the bed and was holding me. I was crying and was a shaking mess. sigh We can sure go through some serious stuff, trying to adjust to this life changing event.

    Oh, Spirited, about me asking to many questions, no one on the blog ever said it or no one here complained to me by email or anything. It’s in my personal life, more so with family member, Alex or my Wali/bestess who say I ask too many questions. My wali/bestess says I remind him of a kid sometime with all the questions I ask. Then too, they need to take into consideration the line of work I was in. I got paid to ask question and to get answers. So, it would make sense that stayed with me.

    Well, if you are still awake, Spirited, sweet dreams. I’ll continue to make duah for you and all our blog buddies here. {{{hugs}}}

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    February 21, 2014

    Hey guys,

    Yep still awake big grin

    @Ana, its always nice to be reminded of things by reading or writing to the blog. Gotta remember, no one’s perfect, right?

    Oh hey, I don’t believe that you’re asking too many questions happy Let’s see, I’m only going for 12 days, but 2 will be going/coming, so I think about 10 days actually being there. I was thinking of staying a few days with my favorite uncle & his family in Lahore (where I’ll be landing/taking off from), then some days with the in-laws in Sialkot, then back with my uncle in Lahore before take-off. I won’t have enough time to visit the uncles & cousins in Islamabad or Muzzafarabad. sad Its probably going to go by very quickly.

    Hmm well my husband didn’t want me to go, but I don’t care as much about what he wants anymore. I’m not too sure that 10 days is enough for him to miss me (maybe he will? who knows) & I’ll be visiting too many people to miss him. It’ll be good to get my mind off all this anyway, even if its only a few days. I went to the dentist 2 days ago & she said I’ve chipped the enamel off a few teeth which could happen due to clenching with too much force/grinding — usually at night. Imagine a curved surface under so much stress that it cracks — that’s my teeth. I said that was strange, because I don’t have any of the symptoms (waking up with jaw pain, grinding noise at night, etc). but she said it could happen without noise if its clenching and could be due to stress. I laughed & said well yea I do have a lot of stress lately, then I remembered at least one night (sleeping alone) when I woke up clenching my teeth with so much anger and after a few minutes remembered that I was having a dream about my husband & his actions & loosened my jaw, so the dentist is probably correct about it happening like that. She said I should get a mouth guard to use at night, and otherwise, try to use products to build up enamel as protection. The teeth that are chipped will just be watched for the time being.

    I’ll be taking a laptop since I still have to study, can’t afford to waste days, so I should be able to check in. It would be nice to post pictures to share! But that’s not something we can do here, though I guess I could always update you, Ana, in email. happy

    My parents still want me to go cause a scene & insult my in-laws for raising an adulterer. rolling eyes On one hand, they say they’re over it because he asked for Allah’s forgiveness & is working to be better and on the other hand, they don’t act like they are over it and leaving it to Allah. Well, again, I told them I won’t rub it in his parents’ faces, what would that accomplish anyway? Insha’Allah, Allah will give them peace. Me too, because the chipped enamel on my teeth is proof that I still have some deep seated anger to work through. I’m sure if my husband was following Islam’s guidelines better, this would be much easier. I’ll continue to pray for the best happy

    Sorry if my thoughts sound jumbled towards the end there. I kind of have a headache & I’m sleepy laughing. Goodnight from my end, everyone!

  • ana

    February 21, 2014

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What you said was beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing more about you, your husband and co. It’s very, very inspiring. It’s awesome you and your husband are so happy. Allah swt blessed you to have a good co-wife. I think you are truly blessed to have a co like her and she’s blessed to have a co like you, as well. Alhumdulliah! happy

    I pray my husband and I stay together in this life and he and I make it to Jannah/Paradise, so we could be together there as well.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    February 21, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Spirited, remember to make du’ah for all of us while you are travelling.

    Ahmad, I agree with Ana. You sound like a brother for whom Allah has prescribed monogamy. I pray that you and your wife stay together forever in this life and the next, In shaa’Allah.

    This is the same du’ah that my husband and I make on a daily basis, that we stay together forever in this life and the next, In shaa’Allah. We have been happy with each other since 1975.

    It is unfortunate that Muslim males and females do not live polygyny in the way that the Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) did. But Muslim males and females also do not live monogamy in the way that the Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) did. There is no difference, in my opinion, between a troubled polygynous marriage and a troubled monogamous marriage.

    All men do not marry for lust or to get a young girl. My husband has never married another wife for lust or to have someone much younger. He deliberately married a sister for her character and she had a hard time finding a spouse. She was 40 and had spent many years getting her education and taking care of her mother. Many Muslim men felt that she was too old to marry as a first and only wife. My husband married her and they are very happy together. I am happy for them because I want for my sister what I want for myself, which is a righteous Muslim husband.

    Right now you may be thinking that I have been brainwashed. You are correct. Alhamdulillah, my brain is washed daily with Islaam. And I thank Allah daily for making me Muslim and granting me the blessing of a righteous Muslim husband who strives to please Allah before he strives to please me or himself.

    I do not believe that polygyny can destroy a healthy marriage between two righteous Muslims. I also do not believe that a wife can take her husband from his first wife. We will be tested all our lives, polygyny is a test for some Muslims and not for others.

    Ahmad I am glad that you comment. Please continue to do so.

    May Allah guide us all on the straight path as we ask him 17 times a day in Surah Fatihah,

  • ana

    February 21, 2014

    Aishah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I think it’s good when we fear we’ve got a long ways to go to be purfied enough to enter Jannah/Paradise or wonder whether we’ll get there. We get disappointed in ourselves knowing we are no where near where we want to be. We see our faults and we dislike many things in ourselves.

    I’ve read in some Islamic material that if Allah wants good for us, He exposes our faults to us. This is so we could do something about them. We have a chance to get our hearts purified. We can’t rely on ourselves to purify our hearts. Only Allah can do it, so it requires constant turning to Him for His help and guidance.

    It’s when we become complaisant, think we are already there and need not worry, that we would have a problem. People who Allah does not want good for, He blinds them to their faults. They cannot see them. They think they are doing good when they aren’t. They think what they do is okay. Satan has made their ill deeds seem okay to them. So, the way you’re feeling about yourself, I think is a fairly good thing. You must not be too hard on yourself though.

    Remember Allah is an Oft-forgiving and Most Merciful God. We have to keep asking for his forgiveness, make amends, repent, and make our intent not to do the things we shouldn’t do. There is much that He forgives. We need to definitely stay away from Shirk, giving any one the love and attention that we should give Allah swt. We need to serve Him with sincere devotion. For example, we need to really know what we are saying when we offer salat. What does those words mean. When we’re bowing and prostrating, we need to think about what we’re doing, and make sure we are not just going through the motions.

    When I write to others, I’m really reminding myself, as well. It helps me tremendously. I have to be especially careful to make sure I am trying to do all that I advise others here to do. Allah does not like when we tell others to do what we don’t do. So, I’ve got to really be on my p s and q s.

    No one said the path to Jannah/Paradise was going to be easy. Do we think that we would be left alone without being tested like those who came before us? They were tested with such hardship and adversity that even the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the faithful believers with him cried, when will come the help of Allah. The help of Allah is always near. I like the ayah. I have it written down in one of my notebooks. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah 2014

    February 21, 2014

    Ahmad I liked your post.certainly all of those things can and do happen when a man brings polygamy into his family’s s life what a rollercoaster.I am trying to get there.its a hard road.I do kind of fear that my heart will still have some black spots in it and ill not get the chance for Jannah.maybe I’m used to the way of polygamy now and I do what I do taking care of people in/ outside of work, taking came of my family and the day gives many opportunities to pray for strength and patience, but what if that piece of my heart that’s stayed a bit black cause of how I’ve reacted to my hub and Co unfair things/ pulling fast ones.you never know I never know could be the thing that blocks me from heaven.things to ponder.so I keep sayingsurah falaq and nas…

  • ana

    February 21, 2014

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your trip to Pakistan sure is coming up very quickly. Yikes, is right. surprise Who will you stay with while you’re there – his relatives or yours? Insha Allah, all will go smoothly for you, without incident. What feelings and thoughts have your husband expressed about you going? You both will probably miss each other. I’ll miss hearing from you, if you don’t write while gone, but I’ll understand. Will you take your laptop with you? Spirited, if I’m asking too many questions or any you don’t feel incline to answer, please don’t feel compelled to respond. I’ve been accused by some people of asking too many questions LOL.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    February 21, 2014

    Salaam everyone!

    It feels like I hardly write in these days sad I get chances during the day to read, but when I get a chance to write, I end up falling asleep laughing

    @Ahmad, I just wanted to thank you for being one of the very few Muslim men who actually consider other things besides their own base desire. Of course polygamy is allowed, but that doesn’t mean every man need to do it, and your way of thinking is exactly what more men should consider before literally jumping into other women with their pants down — I mean that for polygamy & adultery/having an affair(s) as well. Unfortunately, most men follow their groin rather than their brain, sense, or even their heart.

    @Ummof4, what is love? “baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more” laughing You reminded me of that song by Haddaway. Have you guys seen the Saturday Night Live skit “night at the roxbury” (that was the inspiration for the movie of the same name). The skit with Jim Carrey is the best one, its a little hard to find on youtube, but its there. Anyway, I just had that in my head after reading the start of what you said happy

    @Rasha, we haven’t heard from you in a bit! I kind of agree with many of your points, and I can understand where you’re coming from. If you have more things you want to get off your chest, remember you can always write in happy

    @Amymaybe, hi & welcome to the blog! I hope nothing I say offends you. Ok, so this is what I’m seeing. You said that this liar was going to marry you, but then didn’t after you became pregnant? I’m just shaking my head in disbelief at the gall of men like this. To me, (maybe I’m wrong) it seems like he’s doing his best to avoid taking responsibility for his adulterous affair with you and the resulting kids. If he was to marry you, Islamically, you as a wife would have certain rights that he would need to fulfill. Although, then again, since you aren’t Muslim, maybe he wouldn’t really care to follow Islam (not that he’s been following the rules all that well so far anyway). I’m not sure what else could be said than what Ummof4 & Ana have advised. All the lies, secrecy, your…”relationship’s” beginning, children born through sin, this man’s un-trustworthiness and so on, doesn’t particularly bode well. sad Yet you seem to be very much invested in him. I don’t know if he can be trusted to be a “good” husband, but I don’t either of you besides what you’ve told us, so I can’t really say. In the end, its up to you to continue this as-is, or to marry him, or to leave him and move on.

    As for his mother wanting to raise your one child that she knows of as a Muslim, Islamically, all children are born Muslim (that is, with the belief in the one God & a servant of God) and this belief is later corrupted or reinforced. Muslims, even if they have children with women of other religions, are to raise their children Muslim, this is an important responsibility of the man especially if he decides to have children with non-Muslims. In that respect, his mother is not really doing anything wrong, whether you like it or not, as in her mind she’s only trying to protect her grandchild from the fires of Hell. So, even if you & she don’t get along, I wouldn’t hold it against her as your writing seems to indicate.

    I also wanted to say that it must be very nice for you to find peace in learning some of Islam. I think you should try to learn more on your own, maybe go to a mosque and talk to the women,& especially pick up a translation of the Quran and read it for yourself, I bet you’re ready to “take the plunge,” but you’re just second-guessing yourself. Maybe this could give you some more courage happy. Be very careful if you decide to read about Islam on websites — there are many out there pretending to be legitimate sites to help people learn more about Islam, but they’re actually full of deliberate misinformation, designed to turn a person away. sad Again, I just wanted to remind you that I mean no offense, sometimes the way I write, I think people get rubbed the wrong way laughing

    Well, I think that’s it from me. I wanted to thank all the people who wrote in to say they do prayers/du’a for everyone here. I know everyone appreciates it, especially me happy.
    Nothing much going on in my neck of the woods. The snow was a lot of fun, and now there’s rain these days. The fluffy top snow is mostly gone, some of the underlying ice remains. The BIG problem out there now are the potholes! In my opinion, some streets need to be just stripped and re-paved because of the extent of potholes — its nuts! I might go watch the Lego Movie this weekend and do some gift shopping for my trip in about 2 weeks (yikes! that’s coming up fast). Alright, I’ll talk to you guys later, I hope you’re all well, prayers & love to you all <3 <3

  • ana

    February 21, 2014

    Ahmad,

    I see you have given a lot of time and thought to the matter; it is very good. You outlined many scenarios that I’m sure take place. The way I see it, based on your views, you may be one of the men whom perhaps Allah swt has decreed remain monogamous, and not embark on a life of polygamy.

    Allah tests some of us by way of others. I believe polygamy is a test that Allah gives some men and some women. Whether they pass or fail it i dont know Allah knows best.

    You mentioned the polygamous family that had threesomes. I’m glad you did. I want to use it as an example of why women do not have to obey any and every husband.

    Allah swt tells us not to obey anyone who neglects the remembrance of Him. There is a voluminous amount of information out there in which Muslim women are advised they must obey their husbands to enter Paradise. It’s a means for men to exercise oppressive and excessive control over women.

    Yes, in one ayah in the Quran, Allah swt tells women to obey their husbands. A wife should obey a righteous husband. A righteous husband will admonish, protect, and care for his wife, using the Holy Quran as his guide.

    Allah tells us in numerous ayat in Quran who not to obey, as well. Some husbands fall in the category of whom not to obey.

    Wouldn’t it be better for a husband to keep his wife who is older and has his children, and marry more women, if he has the need to, rather than to throw his wife away, discard her or divorce her when there probably is still some love in their hearts for each other? Allah swt never promised us that we would not suffer and have adversities. We need to remember this world we live in here is not Jannah/Paradise. It seems we expect it to be.

    We shouldn’t frown upon a lifestyle that Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived and who is our example. There are people who are going to do evil and resort to wrongdoing. It is no reason for anyone to cast a bad light on a lifestyle that in it there is good.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ahmad

    February 21, 2014

    Everyone cannot be like Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). We need to keep trying to be perfect like Him (PBUH) but at the same time we also need to accept that we have limitations, weaknesses. Same is true for the sisters, they too have limitations so its important to keep those limitations in mind before making any decisions. My wife married me when she was very young. She is putting her heart and soul in raising our kids and taking care of everyone. 5-10 years from now she is not going to look same and have same energy. I am sure a chance to get married second time and bring a younger wife will be tempting to anyone. If my religion permits this its even easier for me to just give in to that temptation. If I decide to do that and bring a young wife what does that say about me? How will my wife feel that i left her to be alone 50% of time when she needed me the most. When she is going through these physical, emotional changes and her kids are growing up and moving away from home. What kind of example i am for my kids?
    Another scenario is that when the honeymoon phase of marriage is over and there are ups and down in marriage. Every now and then there are bitter moments in my life which hurt both of us. Both of us are responsible for those rough patches. Sometimes i am not meeting her expectations and sometimes she is not meeting mine. If i decide to bring #2 wife just because of the routine marital problems, just because it gives me upper hand by making my wife realize to either suck it up or face divorce then its very very wrong. What kind of a person does that! of course someone who is far far away from any quality of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).
    The third scenario is that many muslim brothers start fantasizing from their teenage about more than one wives who obey them and all. They won’t pay much attention to most other teachings of Islam and will live a very haram lifestyle but at the same time are very eager to exercise their right to polygamy. Many of these brothers pursue material wealth so that they can support more wives and be the dictator in the house. I saw many such examples when i was in college. Some of then succeeded in doing it other didn’t. My point is that because of this mentality tha its their right they dont work on their marriage and they present themselves as ready to mingle singles event=n after the marriage. One exceptional case from my distant relatives who also went to college with me was even heard bragging about threesomes with his wives (one born muslimah and one revert). He brought this muslimah wife from another country just because he had money to do that and his #1 was ok with that or maybe she didn’t have any other options. His #2 is very young, can hardly speak any english and she is more or less like a maid in the house. This man never goes to Masjid or any community gatherings and hangs out with non-muslims all the time. What a disgrace such men are to our community. No wonder many teen girls leave homes at the first chance they get on pretext of going to college and never look back. If every father sets an example then the daughter will always want a Muslim husband who is just like their dad.
    Other situation that i know happened to someone is when the brother was not able to have kids. I am not too close to know details but he married second time (brought #2 wife from his home country) but i hope he discussed this with #1.
    Other cases like If a widow/divorced muslimah is having hard time finding a husband seem like genuine reason to go for polygamy. Also i am against men who lust over any divorced/widow coworkers, start paying for their coffee, lunches, dropping them off basically they are ready to do anything to make them fall for themselves. Some of them fall for these men and there goes a peaceful Muslim family. This happened to my wives friend whose husband married a coworker and basically gave her an option to accept polygamy or get a divorce (he knew she has nowhere to go). Its haram to do this and any alliance should be arranged through families. Then there are divorced brothers who never consider marrying a divorcee/widow Muslimah. They always look for a younger Muslimah whose family is ok to consider a divorced man because they are poor or because they are looking for someone settled in developed country. I know one of this kind who married a college classmate but got a divorced. There were many proposals by Muslim families whose daughters either had a failed marriage or one was getting too old to marry or something. He didn’t even consider marrying divorced muslimahs and married a Kaffur and then went on to marry a young Muslimah from his home country.
    In older times women were very naive, not confident and economically independent to have a say so they used to suck it up but these days very few do that either out of their religious obligations or because they are too afraid to start their life again or they and their kids are dependent economically, emotionally on their husband. Like i said earlier, all this drives our daughters away from us. They want to go as far away from their family community as possible.

  • ana

    February 21, 2014

    Brother Ahmad, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) loved more than one wife at the same time. He, of course, loved one of his wives more than the others. It is a fact. We know this based on information in the Holy Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) became concerned, as he loved one of his wives more than the others. Allah revealed to him that it was okay for him to feel the way he did, as he had no control over the feeling in his heart. Allah controls the heart.

    We get no indication any of Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives were hurting or suffering due to him being married to more than one wife at the same time (not to say they were free of marital problems). Allah is a Compassionate, Kind, Most Merciful God and more. Why would any of us think Allah would permit something for us that would be harmful to us?

    When we look at life, we need to refer to the Quran in which there are countless stories of the lives of our Prophets (peace and blessings of Allah be upon them) that we are to learn from and live our lives by. The stories are there for us for that reason. The Prophets (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon them) are our examples for us to live life by – not to dispute about or find fault, but to live our lives by.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    February 21, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to everyone,

    What is love? There used to be a comic that appeared daily in the newspaper. Every day there would be just one little cute picture that described love. I believe that the word love is very relative. For one person, it might be that love grows every time he/she has sex with the spouse; for another, it may grow every time that the spouse does a chore for him/her; for another, it may grow each time they make salah or read Qur’aan together. It’s all love, and it can all be romantic, heart-beating fast, tingling all over love. Or it can be the deep, caring, I want to be in Jannah with you type of love.

    As I have stated before, I firmly believe that a man can be married to and love two or more wives. First of all, the husband has to love Allah more than he loves himself or any of his wives. Then Allah will give the man the capacity to love others as they should be loved. I have witnessed my husband with his other wife in the past, and the way she looked at him told me that she truly loved him and he was loving her back. I know that look because I also have it when I am around my husband. Don’t ask me how he does it, because I don’t know, but he can love two women deeply and two women can love him deeply all at the same time. And quite frankly, I don’t care how he does it, as long as we still have the same romantic, sexy, do my chores for me, and study Qur’aan together type of love that we have had since 1975.

    In order to experience the type of love that I’m describing, each person has to be a slave of Allah. I use the word slave instead of servant, because that’s how we should view the worship of our Lord. If both husband and wife are striving to be slaves of Allah, the love that they experience is phenomenal and is difficult to put into words, though I have tried to put it into words.

    My children are all grown and married now. They were reared in polygyny. And each one of them and their spouses tell us regularly that they hope to one day have the type of marriage and love for each other that my husband and I share. None of them are in a polygynous marriage yet, but they all know that it is not the end of the world for a wife, and they all know that it is a tremendous responsibility for a husband.

    Amymaybe, if you truly believe that Allah is your Lord and Muhammad was His last prophet (not His only prophet), then become a Muslim. If you are ready to become a slave to Allah or die trying, then become a Muslim. If you want a chance to go to paradise, then become a Muslim.

    The male that you have children with is a liar. He lies to you and he lies to his family. He does not seem to believe that you are his family; just the woman that loves him, has sex with him, and has children with him. This is only based on what you have written. Only you can decide how long you can live with this lie and this liar. My advice is to think of the example you are setting for your children. My mother is just a piece of meat to enjoy from time to time to the male who visits us occasionally and provided the sperm for my conception. (Sorry, but I had to be graphic.) May Allah guide whatever decisions you make in life. No one deserves to be used by another just for their pleasure. You deserve respect and the male is not giving it to you.

    Allahu Akbar! Jum’uah Mubarak to all the Muslims!

  • amymaybe

    February 21, 2014

    @ana

    Thank you so much for the warm welcome Ana on the other thread. I’m very happy to have come across this website as I know it will help me mentally. I’m a wreck and have been looking for answers and I’ve not found anyone that can help me. I really need the support. I hope to help others with this as well.

    I’m going to answer your questions as I explain my situation more in depth Ana.

    To start off, he did want to marry me at the beginning of our relationship but I became pregnant and things changed. There has been NO talk of marriage after this. I think he just wants to continue our relationship as me being a mistress and raising children. I do not want this at all. I do not like sleeping and being alone 269 days out of the year and I’ve expressed this to him. He’s good at changing the subject and distracting me so I don’t get an answer from him directly.

    I moved twice and gave up my life for him and birthed two beautiful babies. I found out after I moved and had our first child that he was married. I hired a private investigator as he showed me a fake document of a divorce decree. He then told me that he is legally married in the United States, but was divorced through the community of his people. She supposedly cheated on him and had a baby by another man. He told me recently that he found out that this baby was his and she is now divorced by the other man. She now lives with a cousin close by and comes over to his house often and has dinner many nights with his family.

    He only sees me two nights a week and it’s very hard. I have children from a prior marriage as well as our babies and live alone. I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life like this. I’m so lonely and have told him over and over again.

    I love him unconditionally even though he lies to me. I have learned to accept his words because I want him happy. I’ve paid close attention to his likes and dislikes. To truly love a person, is making them happy even if you suffer.

    He’s told me that his mother wants nothing to do with me and wanted to take our son from me to raise him as Muslim. In his response to his mother, he said I ran away with our son and that he does not know where we are. His family does not know of our second child at all.

    I was raised a Christian, but have had so many questions unanswered. I’ve always felt worshiping a being other than GOD was completely WRONG. I’ve never understood why we had so many different versions of Christianity and the Bible. I’ve felt this since I was 6 or 7 years old when I began to learn right from wrong. I’ve always had a relationship with God. Talking and praying to him always made me feel like I was doing something right.

    I’ve educated myself of Islam and I’m quite fond of it. My knowledge of Islam has filled a void within me. I thank God for bringing this man into my life as he’s opened a great path of peace for me. I’ve yet to convert as I’m scared of failing. I know I’m not perfect, but I feel I need to learn more as I don’t want to shame or disgrace the religion. In my heart, I am ready.

    Thank you Ana for letting me share my situation with you all. I’m sorry for any typos and it being so lengthy. There could be more LOL I hope everyone has a good night or good morning. Take care.

  • Ahmad

    February 21, 2014

    Its a different story if you are polygamous because of cultural, religious seasons but again I believe if you truly love a woman no religious or cultural reasons can compel you to marry another.

  • Ahmad

    February 21, 2014

    Truly loving two women is very hard or actually impossible in my dictionary because you can’t love the second woman without hurting first and how can you hurt the first if you truly love her?

  • Ahmad

    February 21, 2014

    I think love isn’t that rosy romantic thing that movies show. Its not buying flowers, chocolates expensive gifts. It may start as an attraction to opposite sex but it becomes stronger with time. Its when you want to be with a person without a reason/need and accept them for who they are, be honest to them and be willing to do anything for their happiness and emotional, physical well being.

  • ana

    February 21, 2014

    Anyhow, what is this thing called “love”? Can we differentiate between love and lust? Men can love more than one woman at one time; how deep is the love?
    Does polygamy burst the bubble of romantic love? Those are just questions to ponder.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 21, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    Alex leaves tomorrow, so, Insha Allah, I’ll be able to catch up on my reading here. Pumpkin head is sleeping like a baby now hee hee You know what I’m saying laughing Anyhow, don’t pay me any attention. I’m just in a jovial mood at the moment. I’m getting ready to try to get some shut eye; although, I’m not too much sleepy right now.

    @Lynnette,

    What you shared with us about your life brought back many memories of when I was a preteen. We used to have company and I remember my mom sitting around talking with her friends about who was “going” with whom. It was what they used to call it back then. “going” with or “running with”. It was about which woman was having “an affair” with whose husband and so forth and which husband was “going” with this, that and the other women. Today some refer to those type of women as “skanks”. Back then the women were referred to as “skunks.” It was about who was “shacking” (living with) with whom. I used to get so turned off by the discussions. Even then I found it quite disgusting. It sounded so nasty.

    One thing we need to be mindful of too, when it comes to legalizing polygamy, legalization of it would put men at a disadvantage. Think about the men who enjoy the freedom of having sex with whomever consents to it, without any obligation or responsibility. You know the saying, “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” Get the goodies and run.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 20, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @ummof4,

    Thank you much for welcoming Safiyah.W happy

    @Safiyah.W.

    Alhumdulliah, you really like the blog and you find it helpful. I find it helps me a whole lot. All the wonderful ladies and the gentlemen (when they write) have helped make the blog what it is. The blog would be nothing without all the people here who write and share about their lives, about their experiences.

    As you noted, the ladies are strong. They are fighters. We all take a beating (I don’t mean physically); although maybe it to sad but more so emotionally, and psychologically from time to time, but we try to weather the storm. I guess, we could say physically too, with regard our health. I think our health seems to take a beating too.

    Safiyah.W., what’s truly wonderful is that you have opened your heart to polygamy, which Allah permits for men. You may not ever have to live a polygamous lifestyle, nonetheless, you would have accepted it as a way of life that is permissible for men. We must accept the whole Book (Quran) and many people, including Muslims reject polygamy. I used to be one of those people. We all have a lot of obstacles in our way of embracing the lifestyle, but with patience, perseverance and prayer, and the will of Allah, we can do it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    February 20, 2014

    Dear Lynette, just read about your reply in regards to order. I loved it! Yes, I totally agree that in any marriage or household, there must be order. Many just don’t see it that way. They feel that order is not the way to live as it inhibits many things. I for one have also handled children from broken homes. Trust me, they are like broken toys. We as teachers can either ignore them or nurture them, which takes time….

    The women or mothers just don’t see the reality of their actions. They are too busy earning money, which I don’t blame them. But then again… at a cost. In short, a family without order loses a lot in the long run….

    Salam

  • Lynnette

    February 20, 2014

    Oh, and by the way….

    Before I find myself having my butt royally kicked — I mean absolutely no disrespect to Judaism. I admire many things about Orthodox Judaism, especially the family life that it creates. I am by no means a Jewish Scholar; a fair amount Of required reading in university can make a true idiot out of another person.

    The thing that struck me — the “take-away,” so to speak — is that our LORD ordained an orderly society for us, He has given us rules. We as humans frequently try to modify/adapt/circumvent/break those rules in the name if “fitting in.”

    I don’t think that we’re supposed to fit in. (Admittedly, I wrestle with this myself every time I go to work). I think we are supposed to “stand apart.”

    My Jewish friends were selected to have a covenant relationship with G-d; so long as they honor their Covenant, they are promised blessings.

    My Christian friends: if you believe as you state, you are the recipients of the LORD’s grace through a “New Covenant.” No translation of the New Testament that I’ve ever seen said “now go fit in with the others.”

    My Muslim friends: we are told to submit to Allah (swt), the LORD of the Worlds. We are told to seek Him alone for all of our needs. We’re challenged to live according to Qur’an, and that if we cannot do that freely in our homelands, we are to move to a place where we can, because Allah (swt)’s Earth is expansive.

    We should not be creating social constructs that cause one another to sin.

  • ummof4

    February 20, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Safiyah W. welcome to the blog. Your comments are appreciated. May this blog continue to be a help and a blessing to the many sisters and brothers who utilize it.

  • Lynnette

    February 20, 2014

    Oh yeah….about the hijab…

    It’s called Blue Orchid, and I ordered it from haute Hijab. I love their new scarves, now that they’ve enlarged them to 40 x 40. The fabrics and construction make them worth the extra money….in my opinion, at least…

  • Safiyah.W.

    February 20, 2014

    As-Salaamu ‘alaikum

    I just wanted to come on to say that this website has a been a blessing from Allah for me and wanted to thank Sister Ana personally for being so awesome! MashaAllah. Though I am not yet in a plural marriage (soon…may Allah help us all Ameen!)reading stories and advice has helped me to cope with the idea a whole lot better! Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kulli haal.

    Alhamdulillah I can say I have always been one with an open mind regarding the practice of polygamy according to Allah’s plan but I know I am so not ready at all for this…all the drama, time, and money issues that will come about as a result is just something I am not looking forward to.

    It’s not going to be easy. I respect all you sisters on here tremendously just for being so strong. Polygamy is not for the faint of heart. Let’s keep each other in our du’aa inshaAllah!

  • Lynnette

    February 20, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and peace to all,

    Sisters,

    I believe that Allah (swt) who made us, knows us. We are His design.

    Many problems require that we know how something was designed — the schematics — before knowing how to repair or even operate it. Some people spend more time reading the owner’s manuals for their phones than they spend reading the Holy Books. The Qu’ran is Allah’s final revelation; it has been carefully maintained so as to not have its integrity corrupted. Even if you choose not to believe, it is worth a careful reading. Because it is such a comprehensive system, there is something in there for everyone — lawyer, doctor, sociologist, teacher, husband, wife, parent, and child.

    As a young child, sitting in my Grandmother’s business (she styled hair), I learned that many men “cheat.” I heard that word even before I knew what “sex” was….and I believe that the order of these learning a helped to shape my world view.

    I heard women telling stories to my grandmother about the lives they lived; about the men who ran all over town pursuing other women, and spending the family’s income doing it. I heard stories of men who left their families just hanging — taking their wages with them — while the women struggled with low wage domestic or unskilled work, just trying to put food on the table.

    I heard women talk about the pain of having children without having had husbands at all. The shame they bore, and the struggles they endured, and their children bore with them seemed present everywhere.

    These families suffered; the women suffered, the children suffered, because there seemed to be nothing orderly about the way their families were operated.

    My Grandmother cleaned houses herself many years before she had her hair salon. She cleaned in Jewish homes, and said that she always preferred Jewish homes because of the order in which they were kept. (She added that it was much safer for the domestics as well, because the men were less likely to accost the domestic girls). She even told a story once about a Jewish man with a wife and a known “concubine”. (Learned that word a lot later, thank you very much)

    Her emphasis to her clients was that it would be better for everyone for there to be order, and that God’s way allowed for there to be order in all things. She argued that the LORD did not prohibit polygamy; that sin in our natures caused us to misunderstand the teachings of the Bible and the Jewish books. (she had very little formal education, but MashAllah, she was smart. May Allah (swt) forgive her sins, and grant her Paradise.

    I’ve been to too many funerals where the man died, the wife is there grieving with her children, and another woman is there grieving just as profoundly with children who bear too great of a resemblance to the wife’s children to ignore.

    My memory of those conversations and experiences helped me organize my thinking about this.

    While no one man typifies every man, it seems to be in the nature of plenty of them to want more than one woman.

    Many of these men have something in their nature that needs to be legislated and controlled, so that they can be positive and productive members of society, and so that their families do not suffer. Allah (swt), God Almighty, Lord of the Worlds, has issued laws on this subject. His plan is known. His Plan is orderly. He created the Heavens, the Earth, and all that dwells therein, and dominion over all of it is His alone.

    Woe be to anyone — even a wife — who would cause a person to sin when Allah (swt) has ordained a Plan.

  • ana

    February 20, 2014

    @Rafat,

    No worries. I’m glad you’re still here with us. We all work someone’s nerve or another here on this blog from time to time. It’s inevitable. It’s okay.

    Polygamy comes with many challenges and problems. I’m hopeful we’re all here to share what some of those are. No one has a perfect polygamous marriage the same as no one has a perfect monogamous one. What I like a lot about this blog is that we can be ourselves and truthful, which I think the majority of the people here are. There’s no need to pretend. We don’t make believe. There is no need to paint a perfect picture for someone here. There is no perfect. Share with us what you will, INSHA ALLAH.

    @Lynnette,

    I, too, have a lot of catching up to do. I’ve fallen behind in reading sigh

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    February 20, 2014

    Jenny your conversation with your son made me so sad sad

  • Rafat

    February 20, 2014

    I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I just shared what I have observed based on people I know and it’s true that I have yet to meet a pious, righteous polygamous man. I have met monogamous and single men with these qualities but not any polygamous yet. Ummof4 I am so glad to learn about your husband and am happy for you. Unfortunately I havnt met anyone like him yet.
    Forgot who the other sister was who replied to me but thanks so much for trying to understand where I am coming from. Your messge meant a lot to me.

  • Jenny

    February 19, 2014

    When I was reading the recent posts, I started thinking of a conversation my oldest son and I had (the oldest in Pakistan). He was trying to figure this whole thing out ~ good luck!

    I guess his mother is upset; although, no one says anything to me and it is doubtful hubby knows as they don’t talk.

    Ibi asks me why his father did what he did and why his mother wasn’t good enough. He is the sensitive one in the entire family, bless his heart, he will make someone a great husband.

    Never mind even trying to explain why hubby did what he did, why he never lived “at home.” Of course I would never answer any of these questions honestly. He is smart enough, he knows the answers already. It is very sad and I answer in a way that puts hubby in a good light.

    That’s what I’m dealing with now.

  • Ina

    February 19, 2014

    @ billy, the way you write make you appear like a very happy go lucky type of person. I think you have the opposite effect on this blog to what your husband thinks. Instead of giving him/polygamy a bad reputation, you are an example where it can work. I don’t know your story well but so far, I have not heard you complain about your marriage or your co-wife…only about your MIL.

  • Lynnette

    February 19, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to all,

    @ Sister Billy,

    Alhamdulillah for you!!! I wish I could tell your husband that not all of us are bitter, or polygamous. Some of us are here for the Sisterhood, and for the support and encouragement that is provided to live full Islamic lives — and by necessity, that involves understanding polygyny.

    I wish I could tell him how much relief your world-view beings me. You make me smile from ear to ear, Sister….you have been a part of a big blessing for me winking

    Still have a lot to read…..

  • Ms A

    February 19, 2014

    @Ana, Thank you for your long long reply and advice for me. I feel so good to read it. Yes, I do read Quran. Basically, I started to read Quran in Chinese, then reading reading, started learning learning, then I reverted to Islam. I know pretty much about all basic things about Islam. But learning is life-time work, so I still keep learning all the time. Ana, I’m so happy to know you miss me ^^

    @Gali, I do feel same feeling about Pakistan sometimes hahaha… I just hear from him time by time, about his big big big family problems. I feel is it all over the world only Pakistani has so many families problems? I just feel their culture like to gossip people, nice face in front of you, bad face on your back. Besides, their marriage culture make them all connect to each other. Two families have complicated relationship, if not doing good with husband or wife, then might be affect your siblings’ living. Just complicated!!!!! Of course, everywhere in the world has family issue, but I do feel they have much much more, like every family has big problems. Anyway, I just say what I think, not meaning to offense anyone. If I’m there, I may try to run away. Duah for you Gali.

    I’m at work actually, come back later

  • marie

    February 19, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All

    @maryam, so glad you said what you did about believing everything sheikhs say without thinking about it and weather it makes sense, it reminded me of an ayat

    And they will say: had we but listed or used our intelligence we should not now be among the companions of the blazing fire.
    Surah 67 ayat 10

    We must use our intelligence not just go along with whatever the local sheikhs say.

    Insha’allah everyone is in good health and having a lovely day/night.

    @Ana, lol you have been for forecast warmer weather and us, snow, im not looking forward to that. It is an excuse to buy some new boots tho lol.

    @josh, I’m hope you are well, do pop in to let us know how you are, your situation worries me.

    Much salaams to all ,

  • billy

    February 19, 2014

    oh and of note, my husband had asked me to stop writing here lol. he was like “its for bitter women. you’re not bitter about it so i don’t get why you feel the need to be a part of it. you wanted me to get remarried, and if you want i’ll just as easily get divorced so cut it out. its giving me a bad rep”

    and i’m like “its not for bitter women. i would never ask you to get divorced..and…umm bad rep? * insert laughter here * who’s this giving you a bad rep with? our internet service provider or someone spying on my internet usage?”

    he was like “stepdaughter knows you use this site and she probably thinks i forced polygamy on you. she mentioned the site to her mom and you’re lucky her mom ignores her most of the time. i don’t want her to stumble on this site and find out you’re sharing our lives.”

    to which i replied “umm.. well technically i haven’t shared much so.. chillax. besides i’m not using my real name”

    to which he replied “yeah if you think its a big jump from billy to your actual name you must be on something. especially considering everyone calls you billy in real life.”

    to which i replied “plenty of actual billys out there and i doubt people would assume its just a nickname”

    to which he replied “you’re giving me a headache. that’s not the point. i’m saying, if she ever does end up visiting this site and reads “billys” comments i’m sure she’ll realize you’re “billy”. i don’t like how naive you are sometimes. makes me want to bang my head on a wall repeatedly. life isn’t all butterflies and roses. get with it.”

    and i said “good, roses aren’t my thing anyway. always been a daisy girl. or calla lilies. i really love calla lilies. remember? wedding bouquet?”

    to which he scoffed in disbelief, rolled his eyes in annoyance, and just walked away as he muttered “its like i have one more kid on my plate” lol.

    but then he asked very nicely, that night, if i wouldn’t get too personal or specific on this site. which i said fine (this was like a month ago).

    so sometimes i am here, i write a post, then i read it and i’m like “ughhhhh too specific.. w/e gotta delete you!” lol. i might just change my name on this site. lol.

    wow my stepdaughter is staring me down from across the room as she’s taping boxes.. its like a threatening “get off your lazy @$$, turn off your laptop and HELP” death stare.. good thing i already packed the knives.. dodged a bullet with that lol. i should go help. i hate creepy stares. they give me goosebumps.

  • billy

    February 19, 2014

    oh and in case you’re all wondering, i now fit into all my old clothes happy yay! just had to put it out there cuz i’m like trying on EVERYTHING i own as i pack. part of the reason why i had to get rid of my husband cuz by outfit two he was like “for godsake woman STOP before i take a scissor to every piece of clothing you OWN. maybe xyz (cowife) could teach you how to own LESS CLOTHES.” to which i smiled and politely escorted him out the door to bother his other wife as she packed. lol. my step daughter was like “he doesn’t usually get impatient.. you manage to bring out the worst in him sometimes.. you need to teach me how you do it.. he’s funny when he gets agitated.” to which i laughed and told her “annoying him is simple, look at his to-do list, and don’t do things in their time frame, he’s ocd when it comes to his lists and he never accounts for things like, wife will try on clothes, wife will reminisce with photo albums, wife will share stories and google random things or hold conversations with stepdaughter.” now she’s going to be looking left and right for where he writes his to-do lists.. i should probably tell her they’re on his phones notepad app, but that would be too easy. let her work for it lol.

  • billy

    February 19, 2014

    guys im so sorry i’m mia. in the middle of a move!

    but my stepdaughter, cowifes daughter, husbands stepdaughter, w/e you want to call her, was listening to a song.. the guy sang “he got a second wife and you didn’t agree” and i was like “umm.. i don’t know who writes these songs for these singers you listen to but i think he meant to say he got another wife.. a second wife would imply he still has a first” and she thought about it and said “what if he’s muslim and he actually meant his dad had two wives?” and then she googled it on my laptop and we stumbled upon this

    http://gossiponthis.com/2006/11/25/akon-has-not-1-not-2-but-3-wives/

    the song she was listening to was called “put the blame on me” or so she says cuz she’s laughing her head off now as she’s telling me for some odd reason lol. i hate it when people laugh for no reason and you’re compelled to laugh cuz laughing is in the air?! happens to me all the time and then i get all like “stop!! idk why the heck i’m laughing and its hurting now!!”

    turns out his dad has 4 wives and he has 3, and he is a seriously famous singer from what she says (and wikipedia lol.) i’m just proud he didn’t find a reason to hide it. its good.

    alright, this was a nice break from packing but we gotta get back at it and then go help her mom and hubby pack up the other house. i’ll try and get back to chat after my move. well, we’re all moving happy i’m so excited to be going back to new york city!!!! t-minus-4-days!! and the weather is changing so nicely. too bad we’re leaving this oversized land place.. wait.. no… i meant to say… YAY!!!! NO MORE GRASSY LAWNS AND YARDS!!!!!!!! i can’t wait to sink my teeth into a high rise condo or a house around a LOT of noise in nyc happy yay. never liked the quiet. it always invited voices into my head (haha joking. i’m not that crazy. not yet anyway.)

    i have to get going. my junk isn’t gonna pack it self!

  • maryam

    February 19, 2014

    Rafat,

    You sound very disillusioned and frustrated.

    I get like that sometimes but i remind myself i am Muslim because i believe in Islam and the Quran. I’m not muslim because of other muslims so i try not to let behaviour of others bother me too much.

    My husband takes everything Sheikhs say as “truth”, i often question things and i say to my husband “on the day of judgement when Allah asks why i did something it wont be sufficient for me to say oh i did that because Sheikh X told me too”. Its good to listen, think, go back to Quran.

  • maryam

    February 19, 2014

    WOW Gail,

    Your husband and his dad had a fist fight with grandfather!!!

    Apparently there are some limits to respecting and obeying parents in Pakistan afterall!!!

    New house sounds exciting, i do think our living environments have a huge impact on us, so enjoy making it your special place.

  • ana

    February 19, 2014

    @Gail,

    I’m so happy you’re back. I missed you. It’s good to hear it’s ice cream season and the business will be picking up soon Happy Ice Cream Insha Allah, it will be a prosperous year for you.

    I’m not surprised, however, about what’s happening with your family in Pakistan LOL. It’s drama galore when it comes to that family. I think you are right to encourage your husband to stay away from Pakistan, and let the fire simmer. For him to go there now would probably only add fuel to the fire.

    Well, I’m going to run out and grab some coffee. I did just about all my errands yesterday. Today, it’s raining where I am, so it will melt some of the snow. Plus, some warm weather is forecast for the next few days.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 19, 2014

    @Rafat,

    As to the “kind old man” and whether Allah “will reveal someday in His own mysterious ways if we have been misguided by some selfish men by passing on the wrong info for generation!”, perhaps Allah has let us know in the ayat that follows:

    “Then the Messenger will say: “O my Lord! Truly my people took this Qur’an for just foolish nonsense.”
    Quran: 25, ayah 30

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    February 19, 2014

    Ana,
    I forgot to mention all hell broke out in Pakistan a few days ago with my husbands family.My husbands dad and brothers got into a huge fist fight with my husbands grandfather and other uncle and my husbands one cousin.This family feud is getting way out of hand and someone is going to end up dead over this mess before it is all said and done.My husband even mentions to me he may want to go back to Pakistan to involve himself in the fight.Obviously that did not sit well with me and very thought disgust me.I will be honest my husband and I are not getting along very well these days.The more he involves himself in Pakistan with this family feud the more I distance myself from him.Right now my feelings are I am sick of his family and I am sick of him and I completely fed up with any mention of Pakistan.
    I am focused on myself and my kids and am saving money like crazy to pay cash for a home in the next few months and MOVE.On the front door of my home I am going to hang sign up that says “Leave all the Drama at the Front Door you can pick it up on your way back out”.I am just so over and done with that families crazy insanity.

  • ummof4

    February 19, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Rafat, I am sorry that you have never met a pious, righteous polygymous man. I believe my husband is one of those men. I also know of others. Yes, they do exist, just like pious, righteous, single men exist and pious, righteous monogamous men exist. Maybe one day you will meet a pious, righteous, polygynous Muslim man.

    My husband does not have to order me to obey him. I love him, cherish him and obey him because he is following the commandments of Allah. I try to do the same. That is the key to a successful Islamic marriage, love of Allah and obedience to Allah; not love of a spouse and obedience to a spouse.

    Righteousness is not determined by marital status, just like it is not determined by sex, age, nationality, color or any other quality that humans have. A righteous Muslim is one who loves Allah, remembers Allah often and does what he/she can to obey Allah to earn His blessings and forgiveness and mercy.

    May Allah grant us all the proper understanding of our way of life, Islaam.

  • Gail

    February 19, 2014

    Ana,
    Sorry I have been away so long it is Ice cream season again and I have been ordering things and getting ready to work on one of the truck plus one of my sons birthday is today so just been really busy.How is everything going with you?
    I hope all you ladies on the blog are doing fine and will try my best to check in more often.I miss everyone when I can’t get to the blog daily.

  • Rafat

    February 19, 2014

    Can’t agree more Ana
    I have yet to see a pious, righteous, polygamous man

  • ana

    February 18, 2014

    One thing there are plenty of: Muslim men who order their wives to obey them – husbands the like of Josh’s husband, some worse (if you could imagine) and some better. Obey them for what? Because they are righteous pious men, trying to serve and worship Allah and guide their families? NOT!!!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 18, 2014

    @Rafat,

    I believe Muslims suffer so much because they don’t obey and worship Allah. Allah tells us that He, Himself, has protected the Quran from any corruption. He has not allowed it to be tampered with as the other Books were. The Quran is pure. Yet, many Muslims have never read it. People are quick to use any and all other references about Islam, but it’s rare I have ever had anyone come to me in person (other than my wali/bestess) with references from the Quran. Allah says if anyone were to try to create the likes of the Quran, they could not do it (the words aren’t verbatim). Yet, others have compiled material 200 years after the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) death and said it must be relied upon along with the Quran. It is way sad.

    Yes, I agree that Muslims all over the planet suffer today. I believe they suffer for the mere fact that they have abandoned Allah. They have turned their backs on Him. They have turned themselves into Sunnis, Shites, Salaaf, Kurd, some new sect I recently heard mentioned on this blog – Quranies or something or another etc. They only accept the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as a Prophet of Allah. They don’t live the Sunna, (way of life) of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), which was the Quran.

    People walk about saying one has to obey the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) – well, yeah, if he was alive for me to obey him, if it was Allah’s will, I would. The people who were living when he was alive were commanded to obey him. There was no Quran then. The Quran was revealed to him and he gave it to the people. So, yes, they were to obey him. He is no longer living on this planet, so I don’t know how anyone is obeying someone who is not alive. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left us the Holy Quran, which Allah says is complete and replete in knowledge and He said He left nothing out of it. So, yes, people have gotten our religion twisted; it is not Islam.

    Allah has made so many promises to those of us who believe in Him and worship and serve Him. He promise us to be victorious, to prevail and to be prosperous. He promises us His protection, guidance, help, relief from suffering and a whole lot more. It’s promised to the Believers. There are not many Believers out there. The Muslim community is in dire straights.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    February 18, 2014

    An old man in our region was known for his righteousness and understanding of Islam. When he was very very old he shared with fellow villagers that prophet Muhammad (PBUH) used to come to his dreams and tell him that the messages from Allah have been so much twisted by men that’s why our great Religion and the followers are suffering so much. The kind old man is no more but people often talk about him in our village. Allah knows best and will reveal someday in His own mysterious ways if we have been misguided by some selfish men by passing on the wrong info for generations ! The old man also used to say that go to the deep rural area and ask the male leaders of a patriarchial community of Kaffurs ‘what rules they want their women to follow?” They will say exactly the same what we have been following as Muslims! He will tell time and again about his dreams and say how much we disappoint Allah (PBUH) by treating our women exactly the way an ignorant, illiterate Kaffur does to women in their society

  • ana

    February 18, 2014

    Sister Lynnette, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Insha Allah, when you get a free moment, please do speak on the topic/thread. I’d love to hear what you’ve got to say. I’m so excited that you are excited about your new hijab scarf. I’m sure it’s lovely and it will enhance your natural beauty happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mari2

    February 18, 2014

    @Ana and others who have asked regarding #3. She and M are not married yet. The engagement was done with his consent, but in his absence. He was not present for his engagement. He didn’t know/see who he was to marry until the rishta photos were sent after it was done.

    That said,the rishta was over a year ago and now #3′s family is pressuring for the closure of marriage. When M. and I were in Pakistan, his brother told me that if M. doesn’t marry S. soon, “people will begin to laugh.” There was much pressure on M. regarding dowry (which I posted about earlier), and the pressure to financially provide for an appropriate “Islamaculture” wedding. By that I mean demands for gold, dresses, food for 350 people over 3 days, wedding hall, henna parties, gifts etc. Crazy money! M. did resist all suggestions and lectured his mom and uncle on Islam vs. culture. He suggested to his uncle a simple Islamic wedding with S., and her dad balked at the notion. So now the entire “marriage” situation is at a stalemate. Only ALLAH knows what will happen.

    @Maryam I do think her family is looking at “status”, be it money or citizenship. I honestly don’t believe S. has a clue either nor in conversation with her do I get the feeling she had any part in any marriage negotiations. I think she goes along with what her mom and aunties tell her will be her “fortune” in the US. S. is a pawn for her family. Nothing more, and nothing less and that saddens me greatly. M. I don’t feel so sorry for as he is a grown a$$ man. As to questions about why her parents would agree to a polygamous marriage…S. seems to be afflicted with a spinal issue (scoliosis?) in her upper neck which causes her neck to jut out, and back to hunch. The affliction causes her much pain, and without the camouflage of dupatta, the deformity is quite obvious even though she is very young. In Pakistan, and many other countries such an affliction would be a detriment to finding a good rishta.

  • ana

    February 18, 2014

    I wrote my previous post earlier in the day when I was writing in a hurry, as I had to go out. After having been indoors with all the snowfall we had, I had to hit quite a few stores and the post office. We’ve had more snow where I am then I saw when Alex and I were on vacation in Alaska. Anyhow, I erred in my writing; I said there are women who will commit adultery even if they monogamous. I meant to say they commit adultery even if they are in monogamous marriages. I hope everyone understood the rest of what I said. I’m so hasty at times; instead of waiting till I return home and write, I sometimes write in a rush before I leave.

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The reason you didn’t view me as a “complainer” is probably because I don’t too much complain about my life. My complaining problem is in finding fault in other people, and what they do. I am really good at finding the negative in people and things. It’s like I immediately zoom in on it. Then I speak, to Alex or my Wali/bestess or who ever I’m with other than them, about the faults I see. Usually it’s only Alex or my wali/bestess who I am with. At those time, I appear very negative.

    Nonetheless, it’s a bad trait of mine and I need Allah’s help in overcoming it. Fault finding is a sin that Allah speaks of in the Quran. He says rebuke the faultfinder. So, I’ve go my work cut out for me sigh but, I’ve made my intent to get busy with working on it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mari2

    February 18, 2014

    @Josh…please seek help in whatever services are available where you live. No person should ever have to live with such abuse no matter what religion. I will offer dua for you.

  • maryam

    February 18, 2014

    Ana is 100% right about leaving quietly to a safe place. Do not stage a big unplanned confrontation. That’s dangerous with a violent person.

    Its in the first 2-3 weeks after leaving that the person is most likely to be extremely violent.

  • maryam

    February 18, 2014

    Josh,

    Violence in the home usually NEVER gets better. It gets worse, more violent, more frequent, more dangerous.

    How long has this been going on for?

    Do you have children in the house? Its very damaging for kids to witness violence, even parents swearing and shouting at each other is damaging.

    Theres a big difference between someone sharing their hurt with others to vent and actually leaving a violent relationship. No matter what anybody else says the person has to be ready and committed to leaving. And everyone has different limits.

    Josh i will make duaa that Allah gives you all the strength you need. This is wrong. You deserve better. A husband should protect not abuse.

  • ana

    February 18, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Josh and Rafat,

    There is not a whole lot more I can add to what everyone else have said here. I’d only be repetitious.

    @Josh,

    It’s a dangerous and unhealthy situation that you are in. Your husband’s behavior is oppressive. I think you had said you were on good speaking terms and had a decent relationship with his family. Have you spoken to them about how your husband has been treating you or do you fear your husband would harm you for taking such action? What you may have to do (and I mentioned it to you before) is begin to make an exit plan. Without your husband knowing, you may have to secretly plan a way to escape the situation and then when you are safe, you and your husband could arrange mediation and or divorce, if necessary. We don’t know what the laws are where you live and what resources are available to you when it comes to domestic violence. Make duah and I will too that Allah makes your condition better and that he guides you to what is best for you.

    @Rafat,

    The point I tried to make is that Allah swt made most men polygamous by nature and he gave them a lawful outlet for release, which is polygamy. As others have said here, he did not make women the same way. Allah knew what He was doing when he created us all as he did.

    If a woman is in a polygamous marriage, and her needs aren’t being fulfilled and she steps outside the marriage to be with another man for it, it is a reflection of her faith, her belief in Allah. She has a diseased heart. There are women who will commit adultery even if they are monogamous. There don’t fear Allah. They follow after lust.

    We all have certain desires and we have to learn how to subjugate them or control them. Maybe it’s a test for the woman who’s sex drive is high or she feels a need to be with a man other than her husband. We need to remember that Allah has created some people for the Hellfire and some for Jannah/Paradise. In doing so, the people who were made for the Hellfire will do things to land them in the fire. They have to do evil to land them there. They have to disobey Allah swt to land them there. If Allah wants good for a person, he allows them to do good. If Allah wants the opposite for a person, he allow them to do evil.

    I don’t know if you are Muslim or not. I assume you are not, if you think a woman should be allowed more than one husband. I believe that women in polygamous marriages that commit adultery mainly do so to retaliate against their husbands for being polygamous. They only ruin their own souls.

    You asked about the men who can’t seem to obtain one wife, but the polygamous men have more. Don’t forget Allah determines our mates. If a man has more than one wife, it’s because Allah gave them to him. Allah decides. If the man has no wives, it’s because Allah has not as of yet given him one. No one can blame a man for another man not having a wife. Allah gives every woman and every man the spouse He wants him or her to have, or gives them none.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    February 18, 2014

    Well then hoa about the men who are not married they also survive without even one wife. Actually because of polygamy by some other Muslim brothers have to remain without a partners (no wonder many young men are going into crazy stuff out of lonliness).
    Well this topic is not as important as Josh’s so please please provide some helpful suggestions to Josh first. My heart goes out for this sis sad
    Josh, we don’t know which county and kind of social system you are in. So I am not sure what are your practical options. The best I can thin is consult with your parents, religious leaders or anyone who have influence on your husband.

  • ummof4

    February 18, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Josh, please try to leave your situation as soon as it is safe to do so and take your children with you. I do not know where you are located and the laws about husbands beating wives or wives beating husbands are not the same in every country. Is there someone in you family or community who can help you. I will make du’ah that you find relief from your oppression that is not a part of Islaam.

    Rafat, I don’t believe that anyone here believes that polygyny is a cure for adultery. It was said, but maybe the words didn’t come out correctly. The cure for adultery is taqwa Allah (Allah consciousness). The punishment for adultery and fornication is severe in Islaam because there is no excuse for them. Islaam allows marriage and divorce, so if a spouse doesn’t want to be married any more, divorce is an option.

    I say the cure for adultery is taqwa Allah because a person who commits adultery is extremely selfish. That is not a good quality for a Muslim to have. Marrying another wife will not rid a man of this trait.

    However, marrying another wife may meet the needs of the husband, the wife he is marrying, his first wife, and the community at large. Remember, people are married for many reasons, whether in monogamy or polygyny. I do not believe that the need for more sex is the reason for most polygynous marriages; I know it was not for my husband.

    Islaam has put controls on our attractions to the opposite sex; Allah knows that we are attracted to each other; He made us that way. The bottom line is that as Muslims we have to obey Allah. Allah has not said that a woman can have more than one husband, but He has said that a man can have 0,1,2,3,or 4 wives provided he and the women meet the conditions for the marriages. Let us not second-guess Allah.

    Polygyny is not mandatory. It is just a part of our lives.

    May Allah strengthen our eemaan(proper belief) and make us of the Muhsinoon. (The ones who worship Allah as if they see Him, even though they don’t,; but they know that Allah sees them.)

  • marie

    February 18, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    @josh your situation is so heartbreaking to me. You need to ask yourself if you really want to remain married to this man?. Is the situation fixable? Has he ever been good to you?. If your answers are no to the above questions then divorce seems the better route. If the answers are yes then I suggest mediation. Do you both have anyone who could sit you down an go through the problem that exist in you marriage?. Ok now, if you choose to divorce I suggest you do not threaten him with it (divorce) this will only make you appear weak and not serious. Make the decision and go for it. Tell him in a calm manner not when your both angry and upset. Do not worry that divorce is disliked, it is NOT a sin.

    With that said ensure you keep praying and asking Allah for guidance, if you have an quran on a disk play it regularly.

    @Rafat. I think you’ll find Ana said men are polyganous by nature. if you ask them (men) if they would like to be involved with more than one woman most of them would say yes, weather or not they would want to protect and maintain more than one is a different story. those are the rules when it comes to having a wife/wives in Islam
    (protection and maintenance).

    Woman are not polygamous by nature, most woman do not want to share themselves with multiple men in their lifetime let alone at the same time. Woman by nature are nurtures/carers.

    Islam is a problem solver not a problem maker. If woman were also polygamous you will have made more problems than you have solved. One example is pregnancy, if I had 4 husband and become pregnant, who’s the baby daddy, don’t you think it would be wrong to have sex with a man when you pregnant by another man. Also I would have to cart my children around to different houses or have a string of men in and out of mine. Err no thanks.

    About polygamy making woman cheat on the husband. Again that would be an act of revenge not because it is her nature to want to be involved with more than one man. In a woman’s quest to find the Mr right more times than not she will regret giving her time,body and love to anyone in the past, I don’t think men regret being with woman before their current wife (unless she was a psycho lol)

    Now, you mentioned woman being alone most nights and will want company, hugs etc. A polyganous family decides what is best for them in terms of time. They don’t have to have 3/4 days apart it whatever works for them. I think woman enjoy alone time more than men, we may enjoy it less knowing that they are with another woman. Also I’m not in a polyganous marriage. When my husband is working (sometimes he works nights) I do want to see him,talk,hug and wink wink, nudge nudge. Should I tell him not to work. Rafat we don’t always get our husbands when we want and vice versa

    A man does not have to divorce a wife because she cheated or vice versa. The real issue there is adultery and fornication are acts that lead to the hell fire. I would worry more than my husband would end up in hell, than I would be that he cheated on me. My husband would feel the same way.

    Much salaams to all

  • Mumof3

    February 18, 2014

    Assalamualaikum sisters,@ Rafat,I used to think the same way in the past but then thought about it in deferent way,I thought about the women who are not married,if a women are not married and need a hug from someone every now and then,would she go and have an affair?how about in monogamous marriage where the husband is always busy with work?
    Polygamy really isn’t a problem for women of our society at the moment,the real problem is opression..it is a test on our faith at all times. Whether we are married or not we have to guard out chastity..
    @josh I really feel sorry for you dear,in no way you should be in a situation like this,your husbands behaviour is not islamic..if a men truly fears Allah(swt) can never hurt a person like he is doing to you,neither can they have girlfriend..please try to consult your situation with your wali or local imam,I’m sure they can advice you what is best for you,I pray that Allah(swt) helps you and give you what is best for you..hugs

  • Lynnette

    February 18, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to All,

    Here I was, thinking I would try to address Sister Ana’s topic, and then tell you all how excited I am about the new hijab scarf I just bought at the Haute Hijab store….

    Well, we can save that and the small talk/pleasantries for later.

    Sister Josh,

    Are you ready to leave? Are you tired of this physical abuse?

    Sister, I can be patient with another human being, but I have no patience for men who beat women.

    I don’t know where you are, so I have no idea how to provide you practical assistance, or what kind of legal landscape you might be walking out to find. And I think I remember that you have children, but I am not certain of that.

    What are you ready and prepared to do?

  • Josh

    February 18, 2014

    Asalamwalaikm!
    Some may be knowing me…im once in a blue moon commentor on the blog…
    My issue is not totally on polygamy… but was a possibility last year…
    but its an issue wiz a violent husband… who thinks he is the lord n zat i have to serve him 24/24 whether im ill or not….
    yesterday itself he beat me.WHY?because he coulnt get some sleep n so i hv to keep him company whether or not im exhausted or not….
    he tried to wake me up many a times at night and very harshly…once i told him to please let me sleep as my feet were aching terribly…but no he is ze man and im ze woman i should obey him….its his bloody policy!
    He beat me hard in my ears..zen he started issulting me…telling me zat he is ze one who feeds me…give me clothing etc how dare i can act as such(as telling him im feeling sleepy after a hectic day at work n doing house chores later without his help).he zen kick me hard in my knees which are still aching now…i told him i hv enough of him of his behaviour..zat he shouldnt insult me as im hurt about it..but no he kept on using foul languages by asking me to get out of the house…or live my life according to my earning(his salary is thrice mine).
    I couldnt believe him…he even ask me to go bach to my non-muslims parents…..
    to sum up he even told me zat he was a fool to leave his girlfriend for a woman like me…i just couldnt hold on my tears which rolled down my cheeks…the whole night i recited suarh Al-Fatehah…
    I even tried to leave ze house in ze morning but i couldnt….
    What kind of person is my husband?I can’t tolerate him anymore..please advise me!
    Jazakallah!

  • Rafat

    February 18, 2014

    I think polygyny can lead women to cheat. If one man has three four wives then wives will be alone for many nights. I feel the need to be close to my husband every night and it’s normal. Many other women feel same so if their husbands are not around but other atrractive men are willing to be with them every night the women should go for them. It’s Allah who has control over our hearts what can we poor women do when we are all alone but want hug someone and be close to someone while our husband is away sleeping with #2,3,4

  • Rafat

    February 18, 2014

    Solution for men cheating is polygamy.
    Solution to women cheating is what ?
    In old times women were always at home, protected from world, taught to cover themselves, be shy and not express their sexual desires. Now a days more and more women are financially independent and openly express sexual desires. Many women also cheat. So with same logic polyandry will be a great solution to keep those women from cheating and to keep the families together so that kids don’t have see their parents divorced just because their mom cheated.

  • KA126

    February 18, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum sisters,

    As we discuss this issue, please remember that men or women do not cheat on their spouses. They cheat in Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. their issue is with Allah Subhana wa ta’ala and only He Subhana wa ta’ala can change their hearts.

    @Ana,

    Great advise for new shahadahs, very inspiring!

  • Aishah 2014

    February 17, 2014

    quiet right.tapped out talked out but always listening

  • ana

    February 17, 2014

    It’s kinda quiet out there. Is everyone getting ready to return to work?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 17, 2014

    I thought about the many people who “cheat” on their wives, those who commit adultery and people who fornicate, not only Muslims, but people in general. Allah permits polygamy, which means there will be men with a polygamous nature. They will have a desire to be with more than one woman. Allah created them this way. There is an ayah in the Quran in which Allah lets us know that men covet women along with other things. If society prohibits polygamy, it goes without saying that based on man’s nature, they will have resort to committing adultery or “cheating”. Man’s laws that prohibits polygamy contributes to the breakdown of families and lead to moral decay.

    Imagine a world in which all grew up with the truth and polygamy and monogamy were the norm. I’d imagine there would be far less adultery and women would be more receptive to the way of life (polygamous).

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 17, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    I have to run out and get some stuff to make a salad for dinner. Alex will be home today happy Insha Allah, I will return soon…

    MsA,

    I was thinking of you. You said you’re in your twenties and reverted to Islam recently. A few things I’m inspired to say to you that I think are very important.

    There will be people who will ask you what type of Muslim you are or what Islam you follow. I suggest you only say you are “Muslim”. It is the name Allah swt gave us. He did not name us this type of Muslim or that type of Muslim. He named us “Muslim”. He says we are one brotherhood. He tells us not to divide ourselves up into sects. If you identify yourself with any particular group of Muslims, you have defied Allah, and have made yourself part of a sect. Don’t go there Smiley Wagging His Finger Saying NO

    About marriage, the best way anyone could be a good wife or the best wife is to be the best servant to Allah. This world and our lives should be about Allah swt, anything else is secondary. If we try to worship and serve Allah the way he commands us to, we will be the best wife, friend, daughter, neighbor etc. to everyone. We will do all things seeking the good pleasure of Allah. It’s not about seeking our husband’s pleasure. Some get it twisted. There are women out their trying to serve their husbands so they can get into Paradise and it’s not how it is supposed to go. We serve Allah to enter Paradise. You have read the blog here and know of what type of husbands are out there. Does it make sense to you that a wife should serve them in order to enter Paradise? surprise Islam is a sensible religion.

    With regard to learning Islam, you’ll find by going online there is a massive amount of information out there. It could become overwhelming for you to know what to believe and what not to believe, as you are new to Islam. You are guaranteed not to go wrong with the Quran, if you read the Quran with sincerity, wanting to learn it, to live it and to have a chance to enter Jannah/Paradise. Allah swt will give you understanding of it. Allah teaches. You won’t understand it overnight. The Quran was not revealed all at once or overnight.

    If you read the Quran for any other reason than I mentioned above, for instance, to dispute with someone about it or to be seen as a learned person, you will not be able to understand the Quran. Allah says he places a veil between the unbeliever and the Quran, so they will not understand it. Anyone who tells you that you cannot learn the Quran on your own, must be one of those people who have a veil between him or her and the Quran. Allah did not give us a book that we cannot understand.

    There is information out there that contradicts and is contrary to what Allah swt says in the Quran. The only way you will be able to know what is truth and accurate from what is untruth is to know what Allah swt says in the Holy Quran.

    Finally, it’s important to know that Allah loves all of His Prophets and He tells us not to differentiate between any of them. They all brought the same message. The people living at the time, obeyed the Prophets when they were alive. When they died, they left Allah’s Books (the revelations the Prophets had received). The Quran was the last Book. It’s a book that was untampered with, as Allah tells us that He protected it from corruption. It’s a pure, unadulterated Book. Allah tells us that all of His Prophets are our examples. It is why their stories are in the Holy Quran. The stories are for us to learn and live by.

    Oh, one more thing. Don’t let anyone discourage you from reading the Quran in your language. You will get some people who will tell you that you have to learn Arabic to understand the Quran. Don’t listen to them. If you want to learn Arabic, it’s okay. But NEVER let anyone dissuade you from learning the Quran in which ever language you want to read it and learn it in. Learning the Quran is what is most important. Approach the Quran with sincerity, for the mere purpose of worshiping and serving Allah and He will give you understanding. Allah created us for no other reason than to worship Him. That’s it in a nutshell.

    Insha Allah, what I have said will be helpful to you going forward. You are new to Islam. Faith has not entered your heart yet, as you was so far away from faith just yesterday (meaning before you accepted Islam). It takes time to learn Islam and for faith to enter a new Shahadah’s heart. Don’t despair. You shall gain mastery if you are true in faith thumbs up

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 17, 2014

    @Mari2,

    I think your husband is damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. If he shows an interest in the girl, some would say he is a perverted, pedophile. If he shows no interest in the girl, some have a problem with it. So which is actually better? I know it must make you feel terribly uncomfortable, knowing your husband married a 16 year old girl. I could understand how you feel, and sympathize with you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    February 17, 2014

    Salaam ladies,

    I was trying to reply before, when the site was having issues laughing Well, no big deal, I can’t remember what I was talking about that day anyway, lol. As for the current topic, I don’t really have much to comment on it, other than to say that most men would hardly be fair if all of them engaged in polygamy. They can’t even be truthful & fair in regular marriages. Its just another result of the lack of morals these days (which I think could come from a move away from God). Its troubling when being religious is something to be laughed at…

    @Mari2, ugh, I just don’t understand that. Certainly there’s the idea that love can come after marriage, & is the expected norm for arranged marriages but your husband’s un-interest and lack of communication of some basic important things seems pretty lame. And why in the world this young girl’s parents even want this marriage is beyond me. Insha’Allah, the girl isn’t expecting too much and won’t be disappointed with her marriage.

    @Ana, you said you’re a complainer? I don’t see that at all, to be honest. Its surprising that you think you are! Well, it sounds like things have been going well on your end. happy (Imagine a thumbs up here, that’s what I’d be doing lol).

    @Aishah, I hope you’re doing well! I totally agree with you about the lying and being a hypocrite. Its not about the gifts, its about the principle of the matter. I really hate when these men are two-faced. Like my husband with his “I have no money” yet he does have money for unnecessary $500 camera for his 2nd wife and so on, like I’ve mentioned many times before. Well, whatever. I think you’re being fairly reasonable and patient. Insha’Allah, Allah will handle everything in the best way happy

    @Ruqqaya, nice to hear from you again. Sorry to hear about that. The “being smart” by sneaking around & the lies is just really the most infuriating thing about men & polygamy. They go about the whole thing so wrong despite Allah’s guidelines! I think its good to keep your guard up, you shouldn’t go by what he says. He may just decide to go ahead in secret and tell you sometime down the road — you’ve already got experience that he’ll lie to you even after you’ve talked with him and sorted everything out. Its better to be mentally and emotionally prepared. happy Try to think of happier things and not worry about what might be. You said its hard to get over what he’s already done, but with time and attention to Allah, you’ll be at peace in no time, Insha’Allah!

    Ok I’m gonna turn in. Oh I almost forgot! So yesterday, something unexpected came up. My parents said to my husband that they were sorry that they had been acting like he’s a criminal laughing. They said he had already asked Allah’s forgiveness for his adultery and as Muslims, they shouldn’t keep dwelling on it if he’s already asked for forgiveness and is working to better the situation. Then my mom hugged him and my dad had a chat with him about this and that (he hadn’t really spoken to him for months). It was surprising because this came out of nowhere (I hadn’t spoken to them about anything, neither did he). He seemed pretty happy today (gone to work now).

    Alrighty, I’ll talk to you gals tomorrow. Goodnight all (or good morning).

  • Aishah 2014

    February 16, 2014

    Ana thanks will try to catch that movie.actually I have suggested I would be open to blocks of nites.2 to 3. but ..they would need to agree to it too.originally the schedule was my suggestion( what did I know going into all this) I said I know u r going to see her or check on her or God knows what else ( cause he probably is a bit or more. OCD) and she acts helpless.so ” if its my night just don’t be home too late”. I know I talk about kids,but he does want to be in some of the kid school drop off or pickup ( maybe not the homework or disciplining:/) but that’s how that happened.maybe we should change it.that would ideally require us sitting down together ( actually might be fun to go to a go cart place so we could run each other off the road.just kidding.) yes I have trouble dealing with the getting outta head.can’t stop thinking like this TV special on the eastern European sex trafficking going on, with network involvement,scams,money laundering, prostitution.very sad seedy but some people/ young ladies eager to get to USA!

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    Aishah,

    The hardest thing about your life for me, I believe would be your schedule with them. How do you adjust to someone leaving you every other day? It wouldn’t give me enough time to unwind, kick back and chill out with Alex. With your schedule it’s a given the husband may have had sex with the other the day before or night before or morning before coming to you unless she’s on her menses. I’d need some time to relax my mind and not have those thought going on in my head. Talking about a revolving door. Maybe it’s possible for him to rethink the schedule, unless it works for you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    February 16, 2014

    Aisha,

    For me its not so much having a hobby as it is having my own time.

    I love going out for a coffee, reading a paper and people watching. Maybe buying a small treat depending on how money is. Sometimes a walk or hike, or even a movie at a cinema and i feel refreshed.

    I always find out whats going on where i live and plan something, sometimes alone, with family, with friends.

  • maryam

    February 16, 2014

    Id feel the same as you i think Mari2.

    I knew a lovely young Iraqi sister a few years ago, she was 19 her father sent her from Iraq to marry a relative who was 40. She was his first wife. She used to feel depressed because she wanted to marry a boy from her city that she had fallen “in love” with. Her father found out he was dying (himself, the dad) and thats why he arranged her marriage to a relative who lived in a safe country, who was kind, responsible and could take care of her. He didnt want her marrying a young boy still in Iraq given all the trouble.

    They had two beautiful daughters and when you saw him with his “3 girls” you could see how much they meant to him. Im not sure of her feelings but i think she will have a good life with him

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    Aishah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Insha Allah, counseling will be helpful. Did you ever watch the movie, “Hope Spring” with Meryl Streeps and Tommy Lee Jones. If you didn’t, you have to see it, Insha Allah. It was a very good movie. Maybe you could rent it on Netflex or something. It delved into marriage counseling. I think you’d enjoy it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah 2014

    February 16, 2014

    Salaams Jenny yes I need a hobby.. maybe will find one soon.Ana thank you for all of your advice.as far as counselling hub says I’m not a good communicator.if that’s true then I will work on that part of myself..I don’t know.possible he just doesn’t want to hear me either..relationship are relationships whether monogamous or polygamous…maybe we will be able to improve the communication skills.I’m willing to try.maybe the end result will be a better me.

  • Mari2

    February 16, 2014

    @Maryam,
    I suppose they do have their reasons….M. is a good person, calm, religious, diligent. S.’s father is the older brother of M’s mom, and now that M is in the US earning what might be “a lot of money in Pakistan”, he (M) might be a good catch whereas before he was nothing more than the eldest son of a poor widow. I think much has to do with money, and not only his but mine too (but that is a tale for another day). I also think that the opportunity for S to come to US and then bring her family members also plays in to the marriage factor. There might also be a factor of his poor mother wanting at last to prove to others she has children somehow worthy of those of her older sisters’ and brothers’ who for so many years tossed her nothing but crumbs when she was widowed at 29 with 5 children. As a grandchild of immigrants I absolutely understand, and despite what horrific Pakistani MIL stories I hear/ed, I really like M’s mom. She’s witty, smart, and down to earth too.

    Whereas “fantasy” ideas may be concerned with polygamous men and “we will live in one home happily”, yes M suffers from them. I told M that no matter what, I will always exercise my right to have my own separate home. And since I pay for my own home out of my salary, he has no choice in the matter. I have however offered to let his mother stay with me if she wishes to do so when/if her VISA is approved. Of this I have no problem. Wife 1? No. Wife 3? No. I didn’t marry them, nor shall I support them. I will care for my MIL because in some aspect I did marry her, but other wives…no.

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    @Mari2,

    I think you answered your question when you remembered the category that maryam missed – Culture and family dictate the marriage. It appears your husband is simply going along with the norm. It’s their way of life in Pakistan (for many) to marry the cousin, whether there is love or no love, want to or don’t want to. It’s the same ole song.

    From what we’ve heard here from Gail, Jenny, and others, they go home, marry the cousin, come back and tell the other wife/wive that they didn’t know what was happening until they got there, and found themselves married. Then they come back to the States or UK and say they didn’t want it, but was forced into it. Nonetheless, it is their culture. Whether we can say it was “forced” or not, doesn’t really matter. They did it.

    About the 16 year old cousin, she’s learning and living the culture. She’ll find out what marriage is all about the same way we all do. We live it and we learn it. Apparently, the women believe they have a better life when their husbands live in the UK or the U.S. and send money home, regardless of how much it is. Every little bit helps. It beats a blank.

    Mari2, it is their way of life. One would have to be Pakistani to truly understand it or be married to a Pakistani to really get a feel for what it’s like by being up close and personal to it.

    Your husband probably doesn’t know much about the kid, nor really cares. He’s only doing his duty to his family. He’ll get to know the girl little by little. What is there to know anyhow? I mean really, based on what I understand, they procreate and the husband supports. Love is not a major factor.

    You can’t really compare it to what we know of love and marriage. What we know of love and marriage has gotten us in a bind, as well. It’s why we hurt and suffer so much. Are we really any better off? We’ve all got it twisted. If no one is making life all about Allah, then they will have major problems – simple.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    February 16, 2014

    I took a little break from polygamy talk and such.. but it follows me to class and with friends lol.
    I was upset because I used to love polygamy Nd be really alright with it to the point my husband was afraid I’d make him remarry against his will. Then even in class when they were discussing it I felt like I was going to have a panic attack-I get so emotional about it and was in a funk for a few days afterwards. Almost caused a fight with me and hubby but I was able to shake the feeling alhamdolilah.
    I realized its him I don’t want in polygamy. By sneaking around online, cancelling our plans to meet women and then telling me it’s cause of problems with me etc I feel he turned this beautiful practice into something wrong, twisted and ugly.
    He is a beautiful husband when he is not involved in another woman but as soon as he is chatting to someone else he ignores me, intimacy is sketchy and he lies like no tomorrow to try and keep it a secret.
    When I think of polygamy I feel my needs won’t be met (I have a higher drive then him in that area-not just since he had a thought of polygany but I think he has issues asking for it would rather deal with it himself sad ), I think of the lying and sneaking around, I think of how he barely considered me in the equations before-he made her promise not to speak to me ever. Which hurt because she wanted to speak as did I but he felt I was too embarrassing to introduce which hurts because half his family already act like I don’t exist and I’m mad that he would chose someone else and make them act likeI ddon’t exist.
    He says that’s it no more he doesn’t want polygsmy cause he is currently the sole provider (he was not before) and its too hard on him he gets too tired. But I’m constantly on guard. I don’t blame him for it but I’m struggling so much to get over what was done.

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    @maryam,

    Alhumdulliah, I try. Although Islam is a very sensible, simple and easy religion, it seems not many people out there are giving it to us that way.

    @Jenny,

    Where have you been, woman? You and Gail are beginning to pi$$ me off with your absence. LOL. Just kiddin. I do miss the two of you when you stay away so long. I miss all our blog group here when they disappear. Fatima went and got herself in a family way. I don’t know where the heck she is.

    It sounds you had a fantastic day with your daughters. No one could pay me to get on a set of skis. As uncoordinated as I am, I’d end up a paraplegic the first time I went down the slope. I am not kidding you LOL

    When are you off to Europe, my dear? How did things go with you getting your mom and grandma here? I forget the cute little name you have for your grandma.

    My youngest sister is rolling in the Money Pile. She got another huge bonus. Now, she wants to take my mom, my older sister and me on a vacation. My older sister is off to the tropics with her husband the end of April. Ramadan’s going to begin the beginning of July. The best time we could come up with for all of us is next February, Insha Allah. At least it gives us some time to prepare and figure out where to go. I hope we’ll all still be alive. She says every time she gets a big bonus it usually goes to paying for someone’s funeral sad I’m trying to get to Mauritus, Malaysia and London with Alex. We may have to skip Thailand, as it would all entail a whole lot of traveling.

    Insha Allah, stay in touch. Maybe we’ll hear from Gail soon.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    @Aishah,

    Furthermore, maybe I’ve missed something, but based on what I’ve read from you, I think you have been communicating with your husband on a regular, and are not trying to bury your feelings. You’d know best though.

    I agree with Valuable Star that we should never plead with a man or compete with another woman for his love or affection. I agree to plead with him and to compete is useless, because whatever will be, is going to be. It took me a while to learn it. I was a culprit of both things.

    The most important reason we should not compete with a woman for our husband’s love is because the only thing Allah tells us it is okay to compete for is RIGHTEOUSNESS. The man is going to love whomever Allah has placed the love in his heart for. Allah controls the heart. To compete for a person’s love is futile.

    About ignoring him to get attention and giving him the silent treatment, I agree with you, Aishah; it is all game play. If you want to ignore him, ignore him because Allah swt says ignore ignorance. If you want to give him the silent treatment, do so in an effort to exercise patience and to persevere in all that betides you the way Allah tells us to. Don’t do it to try to make something happen.

    We need to know that Allah swt has given us a road map, a constitution, a guide – as I call it. Allah lets us know in the Holy Quran all we need to know to live our lives and to receive His rewards in this world and the next.

    About not praying enough or being patient enough, it is a fact that “patience” and “prayer” are are part of worship. We, however, can’t forget about belief – believing Allah swt is controls all things, including the heart. We have to believe He knows what is best for us. He sees and know all things (husbands aren’t getting away with anything). No one gets away with anything. He test us with one another. Nothing can happen unless He wills it.

    There is so much to belief. The entire Quran is about belief. Sometimes we can put more emphasis on what to do and not do that we forget about belief – what we believe. As long as we blame someone for doing and not doing something, we will have a problem. We will suffer. Everyone carries out Allah’s will.

    Aishah, I’m curious to know what you expect to get out of counseling, if you don’t mind me asking.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in .

  • Jenny

    February 16, 2014

    @ Ana,

    Things in my boat have been lovely! My Kittens (my daughters) are up for a long weekend. We went up to Hunter Mountain yesterday (in a blizzard no less) to go skiing. Had a great time! The sky was so thick with snow we were actually skiing about the cloud line. It was awesome! We were drenched, soaked, sore and cold! Couldn’t have been a better day!!

    Where is Gail???

    @ Aisha,

    You really should consider a hobby or something to get away from your husband and kids. Make sure he has to watch the kids for awhile while you do some “me” time. My husband hates to ski, but he goes nuts when I go away skiing without him. Good Lord, he calls me every five minutes. Of course I can’t answer his call while I’m barreling down a mountain, so not being at his beck and call drives him nuts!!! And when I get him he’s ready to pounce me! laughing

  • maryam

    February 16, 2014

    Mari2 yes,

    Thats very trye, a 5th case those who are pressured INTO polygamy without necessarily wanting it. There are a few sisters here in that situation Mrs A, and our sister in Sth Africa (im sorry for forgetting names sometimes).

    I enjoyed your points. I find it unusual that the 16yr olds parents think being a 3rd wife is the best option for their daughter, presumably they have their reasons?

    Anyone can refuse a proposal regardless of what their wali wants, but at a young age and where strong families ties exist that is naturally much harder.

    Mari2 is your husbands first wife a cousin too?

    Ana, thank you for putting things into context the way you do, its very valuable to this blog.

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    @Aishah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I read Valuable Star’s post to you and I’m inspired to comment on it. She said God helps those who help themselves. We as Muslim must remember that we help ourselves by serving and Worshiping Allah the way He in the Holy Quran tells us to, and by not associating anyone or anything with Him, not even ourselves. We can’t help ourselves unless Allah wills it. We can’t harm ourselves unless Allah wills it. No harm or good can come to us unless Allah wills it. I believe you already know this as you, yourself stated, all things come from Allah, including attributes. You are sooooo, soooo correct. So, this bit about helping oneself, no one can help him or herself unless Allah wills it. People want to give other people all this power, which they don’t in reality have and can’t have.

    I’ve found when I’ve come across something or another that causes me pain, it was for a reason. It was a wake up call to show me something. Is was for me to see the truth so that I could grow in faith. So I could see others for what they are and who they are. Maybe it was to show me that I was putting my faith and trust in the wrong person. Allah says those who trust should put their trust in Him. When we don’t do what Allah tells us to, we eventually get his wrath or punishment. He may give us a warning by having us experience a bit of pain. We need to take a close look at ourselves and what we are and aren’t doing and stop focusing on what the other person is doing. Allah swt tells us in what situations to act in what situations not to act, but be patient and persevere. Allah will deal justly we the other person, as He deals justly with all of us.

    It’s not that a part of someone else is missing from our lives that makes us unhappy and sad, unless the part that is missing is Allah swt. The reason a wife many times becomes unhappy and sad is because she rely to heavily on her husband. She has turned all her attention to created things and a husband is a created thing. Allah will turn His creation away from us when we turn to His creation. He will turn His creation towards us when we turn to Him.

    There is so much to comment to you about what Valuable Star said. Don’t concern yourself about your husband taking you for granted. Allah sees and knows all things. He will reward you for your patience and perseverance and for obeying and worshiping Him. Your reward is not from your husband. Your husband cannot give you anything or do anything for you unless Allah has decreed it. As soon as a wife begins to think her husband has taken her for “granted”, it means she has been doing thing to seek the pleasure of her husband, and not to seek the pleasure of Allah. Your reward for being patient comes from Allah swt and no one else.

    Valuable Star has told you not to believe in Satan’s false illusion. In essence she has told you not to listen to Allah swt. Allah swt tells us that Satan is a sworn, admitted, avowed enemy to us. Allah tells us that Satan creates false illusions that seems real. Satan is real. He does exist. The biggest trick that Satan has played on some people is in making them believe he does not exist. Satan is real and he does exist. Some of the silly thing or plain ole things our husbands do that upsets us only upsets us because Satan has messed with our heads. We have forgotten Allah. Allah says that when we don’t remember Him, He gives us an intimate evil companion and that companion is Satan.

    If I’m not mistaken, Aishah, you have spoken with your husband numerous times on various occasions about how you feel and what is troubling you. Valuable Star gave you a list of what to discuss with him. sigh

    I will continue, but I will post this for now, as I don’t want to lose the post. Last thing I’d want to do is write it again.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mari2

    February 16, 2014

    @maryram…you forgot #5: Those don’t want it but do practice it because of familial/cultural obligations.

    And I have a question that has been bothering me for some time. Men can enter into polygamy, and theoretically women have to agree. But what of those girl/women whose wali agree in their place?

    In my case, I am a second wife. I was married before M. In other words, I’ve essentially been there and done that marriage-wise. I entered into a marriage with M. knowing full well the issues that any marriage can bring. I have no desire to end his first marriage, nor did I suffer from any delusions that I would live happily ever after as some sort of princess either. I get how hard he works, and what he does, and I am always thankful for that. Yes, sometimes I am annoyed by a lack of time with him, but in essence I signed up for this so I need to deal.

    Yet, here is my question…and I have asked M this and he has no answer. Soon to be Wife #3 is M’s cousin. She is young (16 maybe?). I had the opportunity to meet her when in Pakistan. She is nice, seems to do well in school, but exactly like I was at her age: she’s young, sheltered, and equates “marriage” with “wedding”. You know, marriage equals pretty clothes, party, attention, and gifts. And when one is 16 and sheltered, sure these ideas are the norm.

    So my question is, is a young girl who believes marriage is nothing more than a fairy tale (which most young girls do), how can she or her wali agree to enter her into a polygamous marriage when she herself is wholly ignorant as to what “marriage” is, let alone what a polygamous marriage entails?

    I asked M. if he had any conversations with S. while in Pakistan. He said no. “I don’t have time to deal with giggling girls.” And no he doesn’t because that is not in his personality and I know it. However, I did ask him to try to talk with S prior to marrying her so he will know something about her. I asked him if he informed her that after marriage he may not be able to bring her to US. He said “No.” I asked him if he asked her what her vision of marriage was with him. He said “No.” I asked him what her favorite food was. He doesn’t know. You know what is sad? I was in Pakistan for 8 stinking days and I know more about her than he does, and I’m not the one who will marry or support her.

  • Aishah 2014

    February 16, 2014

    valuable star thank u for your interest and insight.I must say I feel a little dissected like a bug but sometimes that happens when u put it all out there.I don’t actually repress it I blog, I have one person w some similiar experiences I talk to, and I am trying to find a counselor to go to.relationships are relationships, its not the polygamy that is ” the problem” but how people conduct themselves in it.hub could certainly learn better listening,communication skills.if he can’t I just have to for myself.yes, I do things for myself ( exercise,hair,shop) but no haven’t taken vacation in while.would not neccesarily go unannounced, he could know where I am, probably will go somewhere soon w kids and my sister.yes, absence will make hurt grow fonder,but no, I’m not a big game player.yes its been very very difficult, yes a lot of covering up/ lies that are unnecessary. the ” gift” for birthday/ valentines wasn’t so much of jealousy of a gift, but being upset at hypocrisy.telling him what I want I was OK.with that.I, don’t necessarily like same things my Co do.for example she has payless sneakers, I’ve been around long enough,working on my feet everyday long enough to know I wont find a comfortable pair there, mine will be a name brand and cost more cause need to be comfortable..the fajr prayer thing was silly foolish.the” I love you” in front of me really doesn’t upset me, I know he does, and he does tell people I’m not a jealous woman.and he is most of the time loving and says he knows how hard it can be, I just think yes he is not really strong enough for the position…I’m definitely gonna seek help, but know that I don’t consider myself a ” martyr” or a ” doormat”. I am aware of my attributes.but all things including attributes come from Allah

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I see the beauty in Islam that you see happy There is so much beauty in Islam I don’t think we could begin to give it due justice in speaking of it. What so wonderful is that it is a way of life that Allah has prescribed for everyone (Chinese, Hispanic, African, Caucasian, Malaysian et al.) What’s beautiful, as well, is that it includes all of Allah’s Prophets from the beginning of time and all His Books.

    The people who followed and obeyed Prophet Moses (PBUH) while he was alive, and accepted the ORIGINAL Book (Torah) after his death will be in Paradise. The people who followed and obeyed Prophet Jesus (PBUH) while he was alive and believed in the ORIGINAL Book (Gospel) after his death will be in Paradise. The people who followed and obey Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) while he was alive and believe in the Quran after his death will be in Paradise. All those people who believe in all the Prophets and all their Books (which had the same message) will be in Jannah/Paradise. I think how awesome it would be for me to get there and meet all of Allah swt Prophets. It’s exciting to look forward to it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    February 16, 2014

    Salam Alaikum Srs Brs

    Nice topic, id never thought of polygamy in that way. Question, do Mormons have a limit on the number of wives?

    I see about 4 categories of men with regards to polygany.

    1. Those that want it and practise it.
    2. Those that want it but dont practise it (through own choice or Allah doesnt give other wives or family/social pressure not to).
    3. Those who dont want to practise it for a vast array of reasons.
    4. Those who are doing haram, not marrying just playing with women using the excuse “polygamy is ok”.

    The beauty of islam permitting polygamy is that it allows it for those that want it with no compulsion on those that dont. And that includes first wife, she has choice in that she can stay or leave (assuming shes in a position to) and i guess all husbands marrying 2nd/3rd/4th go into polygamy knowing that could happen? Maybe not?

  • Valuable star

    February 16, 2014

    Dear Alshah 2014,

    I am really sorry to comment on your situation without asking your permission to do so.
    Also the post is too long which i have realised after submission but I really request you to read it completely till the end…..

    sincerely waiting to see your update about some time or something that you did to make yourself happy. Take leave from your work and plan a vacation and inform your husband about it later, maybe a day before you are about to leave!!

    I understand if a man considers his wife or the 1st wife REALITY and the other woman or new 2nd wife ( not to offend anyone) FANTASY but this he should understand that Reality accounts for 80% and fantasy just the 20% in form of fun and excitement!!

    Thank you

  • Valuable star

    February 16, 2014

    Dear Aishah 2014,

    I have read your story from 2011 I guess and I must say you are an amazing woman, full of enough strength to face any situation….

    You are trying your very best to make this polygamous lifestyle peaceful for all but every now and then you come across something or the other that hurts you despite your best intention which you feel is due to lack of efforts in being patient or the need of praying more and harder, ofcorse nothing wrong in praying more but but you cannot solve a problem without examining its rootcause!!

    Dear we Humans are a product of our experiences, beliefs, desires and environment. We have mainly three kinds of relationship to focus but most people focus on just one or atmost two but forget about the third one entirely-
    1> Relationship with other people
    2> Relationship with God
    3> Relationship with ourselves

    Undoubtedly Relationship with God should come first and we are puppets in his hands and cannot escape our fate but we forget that- ‘GOD HELP THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES’.
    Its actually never about the other person which makes us happy or sad but all about us.When we love someone more than God and ourselves, forget valuing ourselves in the process of valuing someone else, we give him a portion of our Heart and when we feel the pain or emptiness when he is not with us is not because of his absence but due to the absence of that part missing in us.

    What I have gathered about you via your comments is that ofcorse no one is perfect but when despite best efforts if someone is struggling then don’t you think it might be due to the other person and lack of his efforts??

    Truly Allah permits Polygamy to a man which they always remember but forget to be a man enough to practice it in righteous way and dealing justly and in a fair manner and at the top of it all they take that wife for granted who is being patient!!

    I think in your marriage its no more a shaitan playing tricks on you but your husband’s actions raising silly problems resulting you in pain which deep inside in your heart you also might be knowing.

    I think instead of believing on false illusions of shaitan you should approach your husband gently and talk to him about it all in a very peaceful or in a loving manner requesting him to listen not to defend or answer you back but understand or buy a lovely card or a letter for him and write it all down…..

    1> Tell him you despite his betrayel of taking 2nd behind your back have accepted it and trusted him enough to practice polygamy in a fair manner. So now its all upto his actions that will decide the consequences.

    2>Let him know on many occasions like telling 2nd he loves her in front of you, waking her up for fajr, continuing the act while you waiting outside, giving her money from your account he has shown that he has zero compassion but he should have alteast minimum respect for your feelings. Also why there’s a need of telling him what to do every now and then like in case of alarm when engaging in polygamy was his sole decision??

    3> Tell him instead of showing his loving, caring or generous side despite all hurt, pain and betrayel, he intentionally or not but provokes your feelings making you angry, hurt… which he really enjoys and feels power but that makes you feel he doesn’t cares about your feelings and has taken you for granted.

    4> You know that He wants you to admit that you are jealous, not righteous enough but does he admits he is the reason behind all this? Also when he would be able to make peace by dealing in a fair manner, you will also consider him powerful which is never possible by provoking your feelings to compete with his 2nd.

    5> Ask him do he feels really his presence & actions are worth all that you are going through?? What you can do differently or what he would have done if the positions were reversed??

    Dear I really feel you are doing a great job & even if you feel what’s done is done there’s always a need of avoiding its future occurrence, anger or hurt accumulated leads to a stage when you cannot take anymore. Please have an open and honest conversation with him whole heartedly in a suitable environment instead of burying your feelings. Trust me it will certainly make you feel better, motivated or make you realise where you stand in his eyes…..

    Whether monogamy or polygamy Love, respect or attention are not things that are meant to be begged for and the worst thing a woman can do is to lower her standard by comparing or competing with other woman especially in the eyes of a man, you should never give him this satisfaction.
    Recently by asking for things you want him to buy because he celebrated her birthday you have unknowingly done that, asking for things when she has already got. Try your best to never make any of her actions or his for her an issue at your place. You should have just given him the list to make him aware that you know about it but it doesn’t affects you in anyway. Also your ignorance would have compelled him to think about his actions, your feelings for him…. but by talking about it you told it all, so its not a big deal for him.
    FOR MEN -’NEGATIVE ATTENTION IS ALSO A TYPE OF ATTENTION WHICH THEY GENUINELY ENJOY ANS SO THE ONLY THING THEY RESPOND TO IS NO RESPONSE ABOUT ANYTHING WHICH MAKES THEM THINK ABOUT THE PROBLEM AND FINDING THE SOLUTION WHICH THEY DO WHEN A WOMAN IS SILENT ABOUT SOMETHING BUT IF SHE COMPLAINS OD NAGS THEN THEY CONSIDER HER AS A PROBLEM AND SO SOLUTION IS TO IGNORE HER OR GET AWAY FROM HER’.

    Also I am sorry to say but I never heard you saying something you did or your husband did for you that you enjoyed or that made you happy or content like date, vacations, gifts or anything. I really want you to plan for yourself a break in form of some vacation, picnic or anything with your children or friends of which He is not a part to make you as well as your husband realise that you have a life without him also. Even though men need to be needed but they always love and respect those women who are independent, self sufficient, happy and content with themselves and their lives even without him.I request you to plan it for atleast a week, better if out of town.

    Undoubtedly being manipulative is wrong but there’s nothing wrong in taking your mind with you while following your heart. Being strong doesn’t refrains you to make an attempt to be happy or content. Also its a hard fact- Ïts the presence of a man in the life of a lady that makes her realise his value but in case of a man its her absence that makes him realise what his home or life would be without her.

    And at last remember you are beautiful, lovely and deserve to be loved in a manner that makes you feel special!!

    Lots of love dear
    take care

  • Aumer

    February 16, 2014

    AA Sr Ana

    Great topic by the way, thanks for putting it up. May Allah swt reward you for your good work.

    Adam

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    Wow, I just lost my post too. I hit the wrong key and went flying out the box LOL sigh

    KA126, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so good to hear from you. I missed you! I pray all is well for you and your family. The same as you, I’ve been making an effort and my intent to be more patient, especially complain less. I’m a big complainer about almost everything. It’s my disposition and I’m a bit tired of it, so I think it’s time for a change. Here’s to patience for you and me. Here, Here….

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    February 16, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum,

    Posting for updates. I’ve been quietly reading. My life is changing and I am remaining quiet overall in life. I’m trying to practice my patience.

  • ana

    February 16, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    peace

    Once again we are at the start of a new thread. For those who wish to continue to read the previous thread or would like to refresh their memories, the previous thread was:
    http://polygamy411.com/is-there-a-lack-of-communication-and-respect-in-polygamous-marriages/

    I thank Allah swt much for each and every one of you who have joined us here, and have become a member of our group. Alhumdulliah (All praise is due to Allah).

    polygamy 411

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.