جدولة مشكلة يعيد النظر زواجي تعدد الزوجات
من قبل آن في أيار / مايو.04, 2009, خلال قصتي اليوم
نعم. سمعت أنه حق. وإعادة النظر في جدولة المشكلة في تعدد الزوجات لي زواجي. كيف لا في العالم أن يحدث?فكرت لا في ملايين السنين اليكس سوف, Carolinah, ويكون لي الحق في العودة حيث كنا, الجدل حول الجدول الزمني, الجدل حول أيام. جدول زمني هو شيء بسيط لمعرفة ووضع معا... الحق?كنت اعتقد ذلك.
سأحاول لجعل هذا الإيجاز قدر الإمكان, منذ كنا على مشاكل جدولة هنا في كثير من الأحيان قبل. انا قليلا بالحرج لتقديمه لك مرة أخرى. كنت تفكر في عدم القيام بذلك, ولكن لكم جميعا وقد تم معي كل هذا الوقت, يسافر معي, ولذا فإنني أشعر يجب أن تكون معي في هذا أيضا.
آخر مرة تحدثنا عن الجدول الزمني, أبلغتكم أنه قد تم استكمال ذلك للفترة المتبقية من العام 2009. باختصار, يعتقد اليكس Carolinah يرجع إلى مزيد من الوقت اجازة,ولكن لم أكن أعتقد أنها كانت. ومع ذلك, فأعطيت أربعة أيام. لقد تغير الجدول الزمني قليلا منذ كتبت آخر. سوف اليكس تكون معي خلال السنوات عيد الميلاد أخبار وعلى الرغم من أننا لا نحتفل. Carolinah يجب أن لا يهتمون كثيرا, كما انها تعمل أيام العطل. لديها هذا النوع من العمل. حتى, الجدول الزمني هو استكمال لبقية العام.
ومن المقرر أن تبدأ اليكس البقاء في المنزل مع عطلة Carolinah غدا لأحد عشر يوما (سبعة أيام بالإضافة إلى أربعة أيام ماكياج التي ذكرتها أعلاه). Before Alex left me on Thanksgiving Day to go be with Carolinah, تلقيت الوحي فجأة أن الأيام الأربعة التي أعطت اليكس Carolinah لم تكن نتيجة لها على الإطلاق. وجاء في الضوء على رأسي وأصبح واضحا بجلاء جميع لي. احضرت لها اهتمام اليكس ، وأوضح. وكان هذا بالطبع له مجنون. يكره التعامل مع جدولة القضايا. وتابع وكيف أعد بالفعل عن الجدول الزمني لبقية العام. نصح له أنني لم يكن له رغبة لتغيير الجدول أو اتخاذ يوما من Carolinah. نصح له أنني أردت فقط أن يتم تعويضهم عن أيام, نظرا أربعة أيام وكذلك, whether this year or next.
واحتل هذا المكان المحادثة الخميس (عيد الشكر). أمس, السبت, لقد وجدت دليلا على أن Carolinah لم يكن بسبب تلك الأيام الأربعة. لقد وجدت في الجدول الزمني الذي أعد اليكس أيام مع ماكياج جميع Carolinah وأيام الإجازات. أنا بالبريد الالكتروني له. وذلك عندما بدأت الفوضى. عبر البريد الالكتروني أليكس وأنا ذهابا وإيابا أكثر من يوم. اليكس يسألني كيف تحسب; عندما حصلت على تلك الأيام, وأي نوع من أيام كانوا الخ, etc, الخ.… وأصر على انها لم تحصل على أيامها. وكان الحصول على الطريقة القديمة كنا نفعل جدولة (حتى تدخلت ولي بلدي) الخلط بينه وبين كيف نقوم به جدولة منذ حزيران / يونيو 2009. استنادا إلى الطريقة القديمة لعمل الأشياء, وهي الفترة الزمنية في السؤال,وقد شكلت كل منها يوما ل. اليكس, عند نقطة واحدة, stopped responding to my emails and I had become worked up in a tizzy by then.
أنا بالبريد الالكتروني اليكس عدد من مرات خلال المساء وفي ساعات الصباح الباكر مع حجتي التي كان من المقرر Carolinah لا أيام. حاولت أن تجعل من واضحة وبسيطة بقدر ما يمكنني. في الواقع, أنا انتهيت للتو من قبل إرساله عبر البريد الإلكتروني له الحق بدأت كتابة هذا المنصب, لمعرفة ما إذا كان قد توصل إلى استنتاج. ولم البريد الالكتروني لي مرة أخرى. اتصلت به على هاتفه المحمول; لكن, لم يرد ، وهو منزل يعود قريبا, لذا أود معرفة إنهاء لهذه القصة.
ابن منزعج جدا بسبب ما حدث لأنني أعرف Carolinah كانت تدرك جيدا أنها لم تكن بسبب تلك الأيام التي كانت تعطى, لكنها لم يتكلم. انا منزعج لان اليكس, الذين ينبغي أن تكون على رأس جدول, جزء بسيط الأساسية لتعدد الزوجات, لا يمكن أي وقت مضى الحق في الحصول عليها. أنا منزعج, وأنا لا أعرف كيف تم ارتكاب الغش بكثير من اليكس وCarolinah في الماضي عندما كانوا يستعدون للجدول الزمني. نعم, أنا أعلم أنه كان خطأي جزئيا لعدم مشاركا نشطا في جعل الجدول الزمني لمدة ما يقرب من سنة ونصف السنة. أنا فقط لا يمكن التعامل مع الزواج على جدول زمني في ذلك الوقت.
كيف يعالج هذه المسألة اليكس ستحدد كيفية العائدات زواجنا. لقد نصحت له ذلك في واحدة من رسائل البريد الإلكتروني. إذا كان لا يستطيع أن يكون عادلا وفقط مع لي بعد كل التضحيات التي أجريتها في هذا الزواج بالنسبة له أن يكون مع Carolinah, ثم أنا بحاجة إلى التساؤل عما إذا أحتاج إلى البقاء فيه. إذا لم تحصل على اليكس الحق جدول بسيط, كنا النظر في بعض المشاكل الخطيرة قبل.
سوف تبقى لكم النشر!
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
11/29/09
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وعليكم السلام عليك!
مرحبا بكم في تعدد الزوجات 411! وطننا هو للمسلمين وغير المسلمين. هو الحال بالنسبة لكل من يريد الحديث عن تعدد الزوجات, أو أي شخص في تعدد الزوجات أو تدرس ينضم إلى إحدى. ونحن مثل وجود شركة. جعل نفسك مريح والانضمام إلى مناقشة ترك التعليق. ونحن نتطلع إلى رؤيتكم هنا مرة أخرى قريبا ، وغالبا ما.
سفر 4 أقل!
November 29th, 2009 على 6:31 PM
في “feel you” girl. And I also feel FOR you. You need a lot of LOVE, WISDOM and GRACE from the SPIRIT of GOD to deal with this successfully – however you decide to handle it. I suggest that as long as you stay in the relationship – live in love toward them. Don’t be nit-picky about your schedule or anything else. But do require honesty from them or else.
If Alex doesn’t want to be honest with you or FAIR or JUST then He is violating His right to have a Polygamous marriage – according to the Koran right?
I suggest that you bring this to your “elders” attention and have them deal with it. Let Alex know that you are not playing. Don’t be his fool. You do not want to appear as the weak or “needy” one.
Be strong. Don’t be afraid of being alone. You can find a much better husband than Alex if need be. I believe you have a lot to offer which the right person would sincerely appreciate. Perhaps you have outgrown your relationship with Alex.
Just some food for thought.
November 29th, 2009 على 7:42 PM
Oooh, that is so very sweet and comforting. Thank you Curtis Farmer!
I have good news; at least I think it is. Alex and I came to a resolution. At first it entailed somewhat of a heated argument and then we calmed down and he conceded I was right about the schedule. حتى, I’ve selected my days, which I’ll take in February. I truly felt this was the turning point…not so much about getting my way, but about fairness and justice.
على فكرة, I swung by your blog. It’s very, very nice. I think when Alex leaves tomorrow, I’ll get a chance to visit and spend some time with you there
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
November 30th, 2009 على 2:49 AM
جيد, what did I say about ‘flexibility’ ?
November 30th, 2009 على 5:42 AM
I hear you (الضحك بصوت مرتفع), but flexibility is out the door when it comes to me. There is no flexibility when there is no love in the heart of a wife for a husband’s other “زوجة.” I’m sure flexibility would be nice
November 30th, 2009 على 6:40 AM
Oh, I almost forgot; I was flexible. Alex was quite generous. He insisted that I take three additional days that I accused him and Carolinah of taking from me this past July. I declined and said I wouldn’t revisit the issue with those three days again. I wonder how many days were misplaced when I was in a semi-comatose state.
على أي حال, it’s all good. With my four days in February, I secured Valentine’s Day although I shouldn’t celebrate (I can’t help it. Love is in the air everywhere that day). With President’s Day attached, it bought me seven days. I may treat Alex to a cruise on those days, if I can find a convenient one, إن شاء الله.
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
November 30th, 2009 على 9:56 PM
I think this man likes to see women fight over him.
Don’t give him the satisfaction. Be independent and strong.
December 1st, 2009 على 2:50 AM
Châtelaine, I think you have a point there. “Independent and strong” is good. I was wondering whether Alex was enjoying the dissention.
One of my sisters, just this evening, قال لي, “He must have a big head (ego)” with Carolinah and me fighting over spending time with him.
Alex spent part of the day with me today. He left late this afternoon. I was very strong when he left, no mushy, gushy, أحبك, crying, sad stuff. Thank God much for that. As Curtis Farmer stated, I shouldn’t be a “weak”, “needy”, fool”.
I feel at peace and content with his absence at the moment. I can only pray that I’ll steadily continue to grow and get better.
شكرا, Châtelaine.
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
December 1st, 2009 على 2:55 AM
رفيق الحاج, I was expecting you to get hit with a lot of questions, since you live polygamy and could possibly shed some light on the subject from a male’s perspective. I can say you’ve enlightened me, regarding some things.
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
December 1st, 2009 على 11:16 AM
مرحبا الصفحة الرئيسية,
Could I ask you to share with us some time what the positives are in your relationship with Alex? These are the things I’ve heard so far: (using my own words)
1. It could be worse.
2. Even though there is a second wife, at least it makes me feel that I’m first.
3. Everthing is ordained to be the way it is. I’m free to leave, but if that happens, it will have been ordained.
Thanks Ana, as always, ياء.
December 1st, 2009 على 7:48 PM
Yes Judith. I certainly could do that. I’m so used to venting about the negative, and not talking about the good things that happen in my marriage; I could see how it appears there is only bad in it. I surmise that is why I haven’t been writing much lately about my life, as there hasn’t been much drama to speak of. I’ve just been settling in. لكن, it is part of my journey so I should write about it.
حتى, I will move on. It may be awkward initially. I feel in talking about the good in my life, I’m gloating. I’ll try to get past that though and share.
جوديث, thanks for helping me move my writing forward in a new direction.
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
December 1st, 2009 على 8:14 PM
As I stated before, Alex likes to see the two of you struggle over him. Stop struggling, and simply make yourself less available to him. Explore other interests outside of your home. Consider taking classes at a university, or perhaps take practical classes in the arts for your entertainment and self development. You will find this to be a pleasant diversion, and you may meet interesting people as well. Too much of your life and your time is focused on Alex, his needs, and your need to have him in your life. He hardly spends any time taking your needs into consideration, so why make his needs your priority? What exactly does Alex offer to you, other than the title “Mrs.” in front of your name?
December 1st, 2009 على 9:06 PM
Châtelaine, you offered good advice. There are good things happening in my life with Alex that I don’t speak of. I intend for that to change. I’m glad Judith brought it to my attention today. I’ve been intending to take the blog in a different direction to show the positive aspects of polygamy as I know of them, and see them in my life.
I am quite busy and not totally pre-occupied with Alex. I have begun preliminary work on my business, but need to spend more time with it and take it further. It is going to entail a tremendous amount of work, putting together the business plan and obtaining financing and all. It concerns me, as I’ve grown so attached to spending so much time with everyone here, writing and reading and I dislike the thought of not being able to communicate as often with everyone. I can’t even find enough time to visit all my friends’ blogs and I feel badly about it.
I’ve been trying to get the new marriage site up and running, كذلك. It’s technically challenging. I hope to have that in effect by the New Year. حتى, I have been quite busy with things besides Alex. I guess there’s no way of anyone knowing that unless I speak up about it. Thank you much, Chatelaine for your earnest concern, and all your suggestions. It mean very much to me
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
December 2nd, 2009 على 11:54 PM
What are your expectations of a relationship with a man?
What was the nature of your relationship with your father ?
What was the nature of the relationship between
your mother and your father ?
3 ديسمبر, 2009 على 1:25 AM
Châtelaine, those are very good questions. Why do you ask?
I’m going to contemplate my answers to those questions and contemplate how those relationships may have impacted my life and my expectations of a relationship.
Do you think there is a relation between the answers to those questions and the reason women end up accepting polygamous relationship?
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
3 ديسمبر, 2009 على 1:33 PM
Sounds ok, but please ignore such advice as be less available to him. What do such people have in mind? I see that you came to a solution. With love, flexibility and good intentions you can always find a solution. Your flexibility will be a good investment as you will be appreciated and lobed more.
3 ديسمبر, 2009 على 10:46 PM
الصفحة الرئيسية,
My theory is that women who accept polygyny may be willing to accept a relationship with a man who is only partially available to them physically and emotionally. Perhaps a woman would accept this polygynous relationship model as being acceptable because her parents had a relationship where there was significant emotional or physical distance, or because the woman had an unavailable or distant father. That is my hypothesis.
4 ديسمبر, 2009 على 6:06 AM
Haji rafiq, it’s funny, Alex is with Carolinah on vacation this week and part of next. He emailed me on Wednesday and said he’d like to come over Thursday. I said OK. He’s done that in the past when he’s been with her and I used to try to analyze it all. Was he not having such a good time with her? Did he rather be with me than her? This time, I didn’t do that, as it didn’t matter and it felt good not caring.
The main reason I wouldn’t make myself less available to Alex is because I believe that was part of what got him and me into the situation that we currently are in. I wasn’t available for him before he married Carolinah. I was not, despite my reasons for not being.
I think being less available may work in a dating relationship, but not necessarily a marriage. Now I can certainly see the importance of a wife having “a life” and not being “needy”, otherwise her husband could be put off by her or he becomes her lord and that’s not good either. The way I see it; there needs to be a balance.
I’m happy he and I reach a solution.
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
4 ديسمبر, 2009 على 6:55 AM
Châtelaine,
I think there may be truth in your theory. I believe what happens in our lives, during our formative years gives shape to who we are. I had a “distant”, “unavailable” biological father. My mother was cold, aloof, and emotionally detached from my stepdad. She didn’t realize she loved him until after she divorced him. I was the same toward Alex and didn’t take notice of him until he “متزوج” Carolinah. It’s all so interesting.
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
4 ديسمبر, 2009 على 6:02 PM
I see you have great insight.
May it guide your decision making in your relationship.
January 20th, 2010 على 5:54 PM
Are you sure you are not married to my husband?? Seriously Ana, I feel for you. My family goes down this road off and on also, and when it’s on it can be miserable. Some people, in particular people who don’t adjust well to schedules or who refuse to accept them in their hearts, aren’t meant for polygamy. At least that is how I feel. A schedule kept is the only way, with some flexibility of course, to maintain tranquility and respect in my belief. Grr I hate the schedule.
January 20th, 2010 على 11:32 PM
You said a mouth full New#3. Refusing in our hearts to accept a schedule is a huge problem. It’s sooooo difficult. I still sit down and study the schedule often to make sure Carolinah doesn’t have any advantage over me. I hate the way it makes me feel, so petty and obsessive.
There was an incident recently. When Alex and I last went away on vacation in November, he left Carolinah early in the a.m., earlier than he normally would have left her if he had to go to work, as we had a plane to catch. اعتقدت; I’m going to hear this again one day soon.
من المؤكد, I heard it. The past recent holidays, Carolinah had to work them. I guess she had off a Saturday after to make up for it. Alex spoke to me about leaving me early that Sat. He wanted to leave around 10:00 a.m instead of 4:00ish p.m. He cited he had some hours to make up with her from our vacation. I said no. Make them up the next time she has vacation. I know it was petty and mean, but I’m sorry. Why should I accomodate her? She won’t even acknowledge I exist.
New#3, I understand exactly what you speak of. No one knows it better than me. رفيق الحاج, wouldn’t like what we say. He’s an advocate for flexibility. You mentioned flexibility is good. I believe flexibility is good too. I’m just having a difficult time with flexibility.
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.
January 21st, 2010 على 9:29 AM
‘flexibility’. One of the ways mean people take advantage of kind people. No thanks. I prefer the sound of ‘backbone.’
January 21st, 2010 على 1:12 PM
I hear you! Give a person an inch and they take a mile. By saying no to that Saturday request, it prevents me from having to deal with anymore of them. And you know they would have been coming. I have no reason to have any consideration for Carolinah.
هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.