تعدد الزوجات 411

umm ibraheem
July 21st, 2009 على 3:11 AM

As salaamu aalaykum
I say no. Beyond being courteous I don’t think there is any obligation on your part to be friends with her.

NOW have you noticed that you referred to her as “My husband’s wife”? is that another milestone for you? to be able to say…crap…that b!tch is really married to him. Do I dare ask if we will be seeing the title of co-wife after her name? or instead of using husband’s wife?

((ducks and runs))

الصفحة الرئيسية
July 21st, 2009 على 12:32 PM

As Salaamu Alaikum Umm Ibraheem, Nope! I can’t foresee you hearing the word “co-wife” come out of my mouth with reference Carolinah. She is Alex’s wife. I am his wife and he is my husband. Now I can say he is her husband, كذلك, but my “co-wife”- في.

Carolinah is nothing to me except a Muslim sister married to my husband. I’m not even trying to bring myself to accept the word “co-wife” as part of my vocabulary.

جوديث
July 21st, 2009 على 9:34 PM

الصفحة الرئيسية,
I interpret your recent post as meaning that you have decided that you will not let yourself be demeaned by this situation anymore. If that’s true, then I say congratulations. أيضا, I believe that God tells us how we should behave. God does not tell us how we should feel.

Bilqees
July 22nd, 2009 على 3:42 AM

I don’t think co-wives being friends will make the husband’s life easier,especially if you’re not living together.I say….do what makes you happy.Afterall,that’s what hubby did,isn’t it?

The less i see and hear from #2,the better i feel.She was becoming to much a part of my life,and i was consumed with thoughts of her and hub being together.

الآن,algamdulilah,i’m concentrating on MY relationship with hub and enjoing the time we have together instead of spending that precious time arguing about her.

Don’t worry sis,you seem to have grown tremendously already and you will only get stronger,aameen.

Luv and salaams

الصفحة الرئيسية
July 22nd, 2009 على 4:07 AM

As Salaamu Alaikum Bilqees, I’m happy to hear you’re spending good, quality time with your hubby, and things are much better. Not focusing much attention on second, like you said, is key! I know too well what being consumed with thoughts about the second and hubby can do to us. It basically destroys. Alhumdiallah, you are getting stronger and life is getting easier for you, كذلك. I believe everything will continue to get much better the more we simplify our lives by keeping our thoughts focused on what’s important (الله). I agree with you that we shouldn’t make second important. Every thought we have of second make her important.
Luv and salaams

الصفحة الرئيسية
July 22nd, 2009 على 7:15 PM

جوديث, I apologize for opening up the door for debate (in my last reply) about God and what He does. We probably should not take it any further. It could be a topic for a blog in and of itself. You’re keeping me on my toes. Don’t do again الضحك بصوت مرتفع!!!

abdul karim
July 22nd, 2009 على 11:05 PM

My first time trying this. I dont understand all the hostility here to the second wife. The idea that a wife can expect a husbands exclusive love and time belongs to the western world. It is not islamic in origin. A husband can love his wife with great intensity and pashion and yet very much desire the company of another woman too. It is part of the way that Allah (SWT) has made us men. It is also surely part of islam to want for your sister what you want for yourself. Is hating the other wife and threatening the husband with divorce right? May Allah (SWT) help and guide us all. I have been on the receiving end of all of this. I remember once reading a passage from a book by Naima Roberts called “from my sisters lips” where she describes wanting her husband to marry her best friend because she felt that he would be good for her too. This struck me as the way it should be. Speaking as a husband, نعم, it would be wonderful if my wives got along.

what's up
July 23rd, 2009 على 12:34 AM

Abdul Karim,

Why do men want two wives when they can’t handle one marriage? What is the point of polygamy? To satisfy greedy and lustful men?

قلت, “It is part of the way that Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) has made us men.” What about the way Allah has made women? Why men, only men? No wonder the Muslim world is in such a mess. Review the Qur’an and accept all the verses in their entirety about polygamy. Here’s what Allah says in the Qur’an:

Allah says to have one wife if you know what is best for you. In another, (4:129), Allah says men are not made with two hearts. No matter how hard they strive, they cannot treat both equally in terms of emotions.

الصفحة الرئيسية
July 23rd, 2009 على 2:31 PM

Abdul Karim, we welcome you here and are happy you joined us.

I’d ask men that are polygamous or considering polygamy to take a moment to imagine how a man would feel if he knew another man was having intimate relations with his wife. What thoughts would go through his mind? What feelings would surface? How would he react?

Now imagine a woman in polygamy having that feeling, having those feelings, and having those thoughts every time her husband goes off to climb into bed with his other wife. Now imagine what a woman goes through not once, but over and over and over again when her husband leaves her, knowing he’s going to climb into bed with another woman, and won’t be coming home that evening.

You asked why I have hostility to second. It’s because she imposed herself on me and turned my life upside down, but she could not have done it without my husband. She refused and refuses to communicate with me, but accepts sleeping with my husband and reaping financial benefits. Do you think that’s OK (from the perspective of us all being accountable for our actions)?

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

UmmUmarNY
July 23rd, 2009 على 4:05 PM

Bro Abdul Karim, I enjoyed your comment!!! …especially the part where you said: “A husband can love his wife with great intensity and passion and yet very much desire the company of another woman too. It is part of the way that Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) has made us men.” It helps to know there are other men who think like my husband!!! الحمد لله, may Allah grant you success in your marriages, and may HE allow mine to reach such idealistic level.. Aameen!!

The example of the wives of the Prophet(saws) are our best guide.. in every situation, not just polygamy!! How they dealt with each other… how they lived their lives!!

أيضا, IT IS a western notion to think we OWN our husbands… or our children for that matter… We do not!! they are just a ‘trust’ and an instrument for us to do good and gain closeness to Allah. We must not loose sight of the ‘destination’ by distracting ourselves with the ‘pebbles (or boulders) on the road’…

All I’ve said is a reminder for me first… as things are certainly easier said than done!!! still, Islam is Truth and I trust that WHATEVER happens in my life is for the Best… since Allah(swt) knows me better than I know myself.

جوديث
24 يوليو, 2009 على 8:19 AM

You guys are comfortable using so many different names for the same person that dim wits like myself have taken to reading posts a few times to figure out which response traces back to which input. That’s OK, work never hurt anyone, but a lexicon for dummies wouldn’t hurt either!

UmmUmarNY
25 يوليو, 2009 على 1:40 PM

To What’s up: Salaams sister! I think the one who should educate herself is you!! I am not the ‘desired one’ I am the FIRST wife. and I have studied polygyny, and the verses in the Qur’aan.. Have you studied at a Madrassah? Have you sat with any ‘Ulemah and discussed this topic?? I have, and so I can understand, like many other sisters do, that a man is created different than a woman and therefore has different needs. I can understand the meanings of different Ayaat in the Qur’aan… which seem to contradict each other yet they are talking about different things and were revealed in different circumstances. If the Qur’aan was meant to be taken ‘face value’ there would have been no need for the Prophet(saws) إلى ‘explain’ it.. or to ‘ويعيش’ it… If we are sick, are we able to ‘treat’ ourselves, لا, we go to a specialist.. Similarly, الله(swt) tells us to “go and ask of those who know”, so that is what we should do before engaging in futile talk and irresponsible ignorant remarks.
We are not put in this world to question Allah’s commands. Of course Polygyny is NOT for everyone, but it is an option given to man, if he needed. Nobody is saying it is a ‘walk in the park’, each person has his/her own experiences, but it is a right given to men and we, as wives, have two choices: “Accept and struggle, knowing the rewards in store for us”, أو “Ring out, and find happiness someplace else”. ..and that’s that, I’ve said enough! Wa Assalamu’alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

UmmUmarNY
25 يوليو, 2009 على 9:55 PM

جوديث, thanks for the question!! نعم, أنت على حق, the decision to ‘leave’ is with the husband, so then what option remains? ..to Accept, right??!!! So then why are we having all these arguments!! ha!! قلت : “ring out” to prove this point. If there is communication in a marriage, and the wife if really unhappy and would prefer to leave, perhaps the husband will let her go and both may find happiness that way, who knows… The point is that in Islam we believe that whatever happens comes from Allah (Qadr Allah) whether we feel it is good or bad, so to accept and try to make the best of it is the best course. You see how I said “try to make the best of it”… We are humans and feelings will be there, it is natural! I don’t deny that, but a true believer will ‘stick through it’ knowing the reward at the end and pray to Allah for the ‘جيد’ in it. I hope this answered your question, and I hope we can conclude this topic here!! We are all entitled to our own opinions and nobody has the right to ‘judge’ another, only Allah has that right!
Keep well, wa Salaams!!

الصفحة الرئيسية
July 27th, 2009 على 1:26 AM

I have always approved every comment/reply that I have received unless it was spam. Comments are trying to get through now that are undoubtely debate oriented and argumentative. (We cannot engage in debate here about Quran and Hadith) The comments are not related to polygamy in anyway, and will not be approved. I am posting this simply to save the writer time and energy in writing and sending anymore of them.

الصفحة الرئيسية

الصفحة الرئيسية
28 يوليو, 2009 على 12:01 PM

What’s up, I explained already why your comments were not posted, but perhaps you didn’t read the posts. We appreciate you commenting and you are welcomed here. We just cannot debate, argue or even discuss the question you posed about Quran and Hadith. This site is not about Islamic Studies; many of us are not sheiks, العلماء, Imans and the like. We are not here to prove how learned and versed we are regarding Quran, Sunnah and Hadiths. Your recent comment doesn’t even mention polygamy so how does it tie into what’s being discussed on this site?

You are very much welcomed here, لكن, you must keep your comments relevant to the topic-polygamy. You’ve already let us know that your findings show polygamy is hurtful to children in polygamous marriages. Is there anything you could suggest to help the parents with children in these marriages, other than to tell them to get out of their polygamous marriages?

الصفحة الرئيسية
28 يوليو, 2009 على 6:04 PM

جوديث, I really appreciate your comment about learning. I’ve learned so much about learning and about myself from reading your comment. What you said is very interesting. I like the way you phrased it. You’ve probably helped many of us “make a bridge to a new way of thinking.” I know you certainly helped me. Thank you much Judith!

Shireen
2 أغسطس, 2009 على 1:32 AM

Slms ana am glad u dont allow interpretations of the Quran n Hadith coz ppl take passages at face value n thats y beautiful Islam is such a misunderstood religion today. Each person translate it to suit themselves givin Islam a bad name. Our goals in life should be to attain the Luv of ALLAH SWT

الصفحة الرئيسية
2 أغسطس, 2009 على 2:27 AM

Shireen, وعليكم السلام عليك. I totally agree with you that our goal in life should be to attain the luv of Allah SWT.

I appreciate all your comments. I’m contemplating them and I think many others are doing so, كذلك. I find many of your comments very insightful and enlightening.

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

أزرا
2 أغسطس, 2009 على 7:39 AM

الصفحة الرئيسية, the first problem I am having now regarding this potential polygamous marriage is that my husband has agreed with the woman to ‘keep everything separate’ (you see decisions are already being made without my consultation). حتى, when asking questions about the sister like her name, I am not obliged to know her name. Apparently the sister did not even want my husband to tell me he was marrying her?! Can you believe this?! She doesnt want to get married until after Ramadahan.Also she is making suggestions about how the days should go, this is ALL before I even knew about this marriage. I had a row with my husband last night about the contact he is having with her before they are married as he seems to be talking to her a few times a week. I said that he shouldnt be having contact with her until they are married unless ofcourse it is concerning the nikah (7 weeks from now). He said that thats rubbish and how are they supposed to get to know each other. From my perspective they are not married yet, so therefore she is just another woman, she is not halal for him so there should be no communications, this can open up the door to Shaitan. I have yet to consult with the Imam about this but as far as I know it is not the correct behaviour. He said its not my business to interfere with this side of things as its got nothing to do with me. Im just so angry with him and I cant understand why her requests are put before mine. Imagine the marriage has not even happened and this is how things are.
أزرا.

rashid jackson
September 16th, 2009 على 6:55 AM

As Salaam Alaikum,

What a very interesting blog. I am learning much. I an engaged to a malaysian woman. Early in our relationship we discussed the polygamy option. She has no problem with it. But I have seen and heard many rough stories about it. I made a promise that if i ever chose that option that she would have to be involved because it is all about the family. I wouldn’t want to get involved with another woman without her involvement. It just only seems right. Why lie, why hide? Honesty, disclosure and trust is soo important to me. Thank you for alowing me to express my humble opinion. Allah bless us all Amin.

خديجة
December 16th, 2009 على 9:26 PM

Lets take it from this stand point, if you don’t mind if you or the other wife or wives were to die, and she had children of your husband you would be the one to raise or help in the raising of the children, Is it a good thing for children to sense tension or anger between parents? Is it good for children to see parents angry and then all of a sudden look at you to be their mothers? Do you think the children will not see or feel the dislike and feel torn between the parents and later disrespect the parents in the fact you hated my mother and now she is dead and you want me to like you? I’m a 4th wife and tho my family is not in full agreement of this they always looking and asking on the children of my co wives, why because I did not bring up my children to look at any child or family member in a bad way. When i 1st entered this marriage i had great hopes to have 3 sisters, in laws, step children more to love and share my life with. My ideas were shattered very early on by my co wives in more ways then any of you could ever imagine, however its been 5yrs and im still struggling hard to keep trying to make it work for Allah so it cant be said i did not try, to myself for my own heart and peace, for the children so they never have to wonder bad things about me and their mothers, and for my husband to give him some peace of mind

زيد عمر, M.D.
December 17th, 2009 على 6:32 PM

Salaam To All,

Rashid has the right perspective. The moment a man excludes one of wives from the decision making process, he demeans her. The insult runs deep in a woman’s heart because she is his companion and witness in life, his prayer partner and most intimate friend and counselor. This is like a king have a Defense Minister excluding that minister from all intelligence regarding a postential threat to national security.

بالطبع, in this instance, the man doesn’t see the new wife as a threat but he should. If he doesn’t, then he demonstrates a lack of sensitivity and wisdom regarding the first wife’s position as God’s gift to him. The point here is that any new wife needs to be an asset to the growing family, and thus she must be seen as an asset to all involved; someone who will ass benefits and not take them away from all.

على سبيل المثال: in marriage, the second wife agreed to live with us and lend a hand in all household management, including my baby with the first wife. ونتيجة لذلك, the time I spend with her causes no ill will, because she has not only contributed to my well being, but also to the well being of my first wife and child. In return, I agreed to help her and her oldest child (she was a widow for 13 سنة) financially until the latter could stand alone.

Now what am I saying? Polygamy is being approached wrongly by most people. Instead of being a benefit, it is becoming a sourse of fitna and fitan. لماذا? Because the basic principle that governs most new marriages is that of division rather than unity. That’s why the wives of the Prophet are called “The Mothers of Islam” كل منهم!

They lived together, worked together, shared the daily task of dakwah together, gathered intelligence for thei husband, and aided each other in need. Forget the petty jealousies,,, these are of no significance other than to teach the lesson that jealousy is Satan’s tool and that Allah was prepared to trash them all if they didn’t cease and desist immediately!

Now my wives love each other, shop together, take turns cooking, cleaning, washing and sexing. They are, as a result, freer than previously and the marriage has benefitted everyone. My second wife has her own house buy the way, but she chooses to live with us because her life is then more fulfilling.

الآن … this is the correct attitude and posture of any woman entering polygamy. If she truly loves the man, she will understand that causing him to have a separate household is detrimental to everyone concerned and extrememly selfish on her part; indicattin she has not embraced the true spirit of Islam. وهكذا, polygamy is a lamp indicating the True Spirit of Islam: that you should want for your sister want you want for yourself.

As for the husband. Hmmmm…. you can now understand what a rock he must be while at the same time remain soft enough for his wives to throw their hearts into the pillow of his genuine concern yet firm sense of governance. Any man who wants a separate household is a fool who’s not embraced the sunnah and is making innovation; and furthermore, is hiding something from the excluded wife. Even if circumstances require a second household, they should both be be within hailing and visual proximity.

Enough for now. I hope this gives you food for thought.

سلام,

الدكتور عمر

زيد عمر, M.D.
December 18th, 2009 على 10:04 AM

Salaam To All,

Naimah is correct. Living together is not for everyone and it does take a certain character to do this, on the part of all concerned. It is a mindset that counters most of what has been acquired over the centuries from materialism’s gain on the ummah. But more than this, it is a mindset that counters the anti-social tendencies that have accumulated from the Occidental Worldview and its emphasis on the ‘individual’ rather than the community.

Of course the wives of the prophet had squabbles, but these were minor compared to what I’ve been reading here. Naimah’s situation seems to have been resolved in an amicable manner, and one that is practical too. Alhamduillah, and this was certainly the case with Mirium, the Christian wife of the Prophet. She was the only one who was forced to live apart.

Their situation was not complicated by children, but they did live together, in separate “huts” … one next to the other, all lined up in a row (row huts), and with dirt floors covered by carpets, and all against one wall of a Mosque that had no roof. There was no way they could avoid each other, and their huts were very small. This was one of the examples set by the “Mothers” of Islam.

Not many women could do that today,,, men either.

Each family and each individual has their own jihad against the soul’s self-centered inclination, and each individual has their degrees of success and failure in this struggle. What disturbs most men is the animosity many wives demonstrate towards each other. They are perplexed by the squabbles and fail to understand why women arch their backs and let fly their feathers so readily.

Much of this is because of insecurity and fear. But when selfishness is added to the basic insecurity (a lack of iman), rather than acting like humans, the animal aspect of the sub-human instinct takes over and Satan has a field day tearing the Muslimah’s apart and disturbing the husband’s peace of mind. The purpose of Islam and Allah’s guidance via Al’Qur’an and the Prophet’s Sunnah is to help us rise above this and behave in a truly human manner with compasasion and concern for each other. The law (fiqh) is given because Allah knows that most people cannot do this and are imprisoned by their naf’s desires and fears.

The greatest benefit of polygamy’s trial therefore, is to demonstrate taqua and the jihad’s success. I realize I am speaking of ideals, but these ideals are not impossible. I know this personally because I and my wives are living proof that the ideal can be met, but only with the help of Allah, and only with the guidance of a man who has dedicated himself to being the “Best of Muslims” …

I say this because the husband is the key factor for the success. He is the Imam, it is he who calls to prayer and calls the household into order. Without sincere prayer on the part of the husband,and his seeking of knowledge and guidance on how to meet each wife’s needs accordingly, order cannot be maintained because the wives will lose their fear of Allah and descend into viscious cycles of sub-human behavior. Only the pious wife will not do so … it is she who will withdraw from the fray with patience and faith.

Now circumstances place people in positions where perhaps they have no choice but to obey or accept something they may not like. This is a truism for most of us. My second wife is 9 years older than my first wife, but i prefer her as a bedmate. My first wife did not like this, even though i prefer her as a counselor (consort). I discussed this with her extensively, and when she understood the physiology involved and that she could do nothing to change the reality and that it or the new wife did not affect my love for her negatively (rather the contrary is true), she accepted the situation and it then became a blessing for her. But i had to guide both her and my second wife into the land of compatible understanding, and for this, I needed Allah’s guidance and knowledge.

To my advantage, both women are intelligent and most importantly, humble. My second wife was a widow and could not find a decent man for 13 years of searching. Her circumstances caused her to do three things she would never had done on her own. 1) Marry a married man 2) convert to a religion that was considered “الشر” by her own people (Buddhists) 3) live with that man and his other wife and child far away from her family and people …

When I relate our story to people here (Malaysia), especially when they see the four of us together, coming and going and always with smiles and laughter … they are shocked but drawn like moths to the flame we have lit by Allah’s leave. “Not for me” says almost every woman! … but not the men! They are indeed jealous and seek to know my secret!

I will relate that “سري” as time goes by, insh”allah. For the moment, I think I’ve given you enough to think about.

سلام,

الدكتور عمر

الصفحة الرئيسية
January 16th, 2010 على 9:53 PM

As Salaamu Alaikum Khadijah Z,

I think you made the right decision not to live all four of you wives with your husband in one household. I think in Islam it’s unacceptable, unless of course there’s some type of temporary situation, an emergency such as a fire or some type of tragedy that warrants a temporary arrangement.

I simply say this as it was not the way of the Prophet Muhammad (عليه الصلاة والسلام) that his wives all lived together. It’s not sunah. The very men that run around reciting what’s sunnah, are the very same men that have their wives all living in one household.

I think Muslim men put their wives all together in one dwelling out of selfishness. If they can’t afford separate dwellings for each wife, they should only have one wife. Many men put undue pressure on a woman by telling her she must agree to the arrangement in order to be married to him. Some women submit, as they want to be married. It’s not Sunnah.

I see so many problems that could result from women living together in one household. I think it puts undue emotional and psychological burdens on wives.

In no way am I trying to take anything from non-Muslim households that practice polygamy with the families all living together. Everyone is entitled to their way of life and I respect that right.

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

a muslima
January 18th, 2010 على 12:32 AM

وعليكم السلام عليك

Ana I have been reading your blog for some time now but have never commented till now. I wonder if you should dedicate a post to living accomodations in polygyny and support your theory with Quran and /or hadith.

Personally, if my husband marries another woman, we have an understanding that we will NEVER all live under the same roof unless that roof is so big that it is equivalent to 2 homes comeplete with seperate entrances and seperate living areas. I have read Dr. Omar’s reccomendations for communal living saying that it is virtually impossible to practice polygyny today without this kind of arrangement but I have to respectfully disagree. Regardless of how close in proximatey the wives of the prophet lived, THEY DID NOT SHARE HOMES. Each wife had her own living accomodations and I feel there is wisdom behind this arrangement. If this is the sunnah and this was the way the prophet practiced polygyny and he was the best of us, who are we to think our way of doing things is better? I feel that it is when we put our own twist on things in this deen is when we run into the biggest fitna and difficulty. Allah says in the quran:

“This day, I have perfected your religion for you, completed My Favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islâm as your religion.”[Al-Maa’idah

The sunnah is part of the perfection of this deen so how are we changing things in it to fit our lives? Polygyny is already a struggle for the woman but to live in a home and watch your husband go to the bedroom of his other wifeon her night, knowing that they will probably be intimate sounds like torture to me. It is cruel and I don’t think that was intended when polygyny was made halal. Just my 2 cents.

ibnu adam
January 18th, 2010 على 3:44 AM

If I’m not mistaken, I’ve read that all the prophet’s wives lives in different dwellings, yet side-by-side of each others house beside of Masjid an-Nabawi in Madinah. Do correct me if I’m wrong.

a muslima
January 18th, 2010 على 12:15 PM

@ Ibnu Adam

I believe you are correct from what I know, however the key word is “seperate” dwellings. I’m sure they could have built one big hut or home with room dividers for each wife, but they didn’t. They each had their own home. I found the following on islam-qa.com:

Ibn Qudaamah said: The man does not have the right to make his two wives live together in one house without their consent, whether they are young or old, because that house without their consent, whether they are young or old, because that causes them harm due to the enmity and jealousy that exists between them, so making them live together provokes arguments and fighting, and each of them can hear sounds when he is intimate with the other, or she can see that. But if they agree to that then it is permissible, because they have that right but they are also allowed to forego it.  they agree to that then it is permissible, because they have that right but they are also allowed to forego it.

Al-Mughni, 7/229. Al-Kaasaani said: If the husband wants her (زوجته) to live with her co-wife or her in-laws, such she refuses, then he must accommodate her in a separate house, because they may annoy her or harm her if she lives with them. Her refusal is an indication of that annoyance and harm. Also he needs to be able to have intercourse with her and be intimate with her at any time that suits him, and that is not possible f a third person is present. Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23.

Also check this link:
islam-qa.com/en/ref/2040

الصفحة الرئيسية
January 18th, 2010 على 1:52 PM

Even if the wives were all homeless, and had to live in a cardboard box on the side of the street, each wife should have her own box.

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

umm omar
January 18th, 2010 على 3:07 PM

as salaamu alaikum

i have been following your blog for a while, but haven’t posted before. لكن, I feel I need to say something regarding the whole living together issue. I used to be in a polygamous marriage (as first wife if that matters) and we all lived together. Living together was not cruel punishment at all. I preferred it that way, not only because I got to spend time with my husband every day, but especially because the kids could have their father available for them every day; get a goodnight kiss and hug everynight, have him there anytime they needed him without THEM having to wait for MY night/day. As far as having to see your husband flirt with his other wife, or hear them at night and such, it really is not a big deal if all parties behave sensibly. بالنسبة لي, after the emotional turmoil of the first month or two, it didn’t phase me anymore that he was going to be with her in the other room and I didn’t try to imagine what was going on between them. (the first couple of months were very difficult of course, but by the grace of Allah I got through them with my sanity and dignity intact, alhamdulilah) من ناحية أخرى, I also got to see him treat her just like me – no better or worse, and that put my mind at ease. If we had different homes, I might have imagined that he liked her more and preferred to stay there, just because that’s how your mind works when you’re jealous. أيضا, if we were separate, I know I would have felt more lonely on her nights and not so safe being by myself. Living together suited us just fine – the sister and I were both not petty and didn’t pick at little things (most of the time, لول) and even though their marriage ended, it was not because we lived together.
So anyway, basically my point is that some women do prefer to live together and it can be better for the whole family, so to say that this is a cruel and unusual punishment, or that it’s islamically unacceptable is not fair. What’s islamically unacceptable is for the man to force his wives to live together or to somehow pressure them into agreeing, but if the women agree to it on their own, there is nothing wrong with that, provided they have separate bedrooms, and Allah knows best

"زوجة"من
January 18th, 2010 على 4:56 PM

Islam umm omar,
وأنا أتفق. that is the arrangement we were looking to have but parties were not as emotionally capable as first thought. I’m so glad you commented and I know that I am not alone in my stance as a woman.
Peace&blessings

الصفحة الرئيسية
January 18th, 2010 على 6:59 PM

سلام “زوجة”من

I was just giving a lot of thought to what you’ve mentioned in previous comments. In light of what we’ve been discussing about living accommodations, I thought about some of the problems that could be eliminated should you and your husband reunite in a separate home from 1st. For one you wouldn’t have to worry about what a bad housekeeper #1 هو. You wouldn’t have to concern yourself about a schedule to do thing around the home. You wouldn’t have to concern yourself about her leaving the home, roaming about the streets at night. Nor would you have to concern yourself about her bringing non-halal food into the home.

If she wants to live that way and do those things, then she should be permitted to do them without another wife’s interference. حتى, having your own place, you have fewer worries. في الواقع, your husband may turn to you with more love and affection as he’ll have a nice clean place to retreat to for peace.

Honestly, I don’t think I’d appreciate you coming into my home, telling me when and how to clean and what to bring in my house etc. , إلخ, الخ.. I’d tell you, if you don’t like it leave…especially if I wasn’t receptive to polygamy to begin with.

We have to keep in mind that just because we’re Muslim doesn’t mean we’ve got it all together immediately. It takes a life time to be where we want to be. It’s part of our struggle, our personal jihad. I really felt I needed to say that. I know your intentions were good!

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

الصفحة الرئيسية
January 19th, 2010 على 2:09 PM

As Salaamu Alaikum Umm Omar!

Thank you for answering my probative questions and so graciously. I understand your polygynous arrangement so much better now. I had hoped I wasn’t too forward in asking you to elaborate further about your life.

You apparently had a very nice arrangement and it appeared you were very kind and generous in dealing with the sister. Alhumdiullah! That was very special. I like the setup that you had in the new home. That was probably better for the two of you. The sister probably didn’t feel so much like an intruder anymore once you all moved to a new home.

I whole heartedly agree with you that it is much harder for the first wife in many ways. I personally just feel many seconds come on the scene feeling they could push their weight around because they believed something was lacking in the relationship to begin with that made the husband look for her. It may be true sometimes or many times, but second failed to realize the husband still loved the 1st very much and nothing second could do would change that love. In your family situation, it doesn’t appear that was the case at all. It sounds to me the sister joined a very nice family, the type of family sister “Esposa”Dos was trying to establish with her husband and his other wife.

You weren’t babbling at all Umm Omar. في الواقع, the details were very interesting. كنت أتساءل فقط…here I go again How does it feel to be monogamous again? Do you feel something is missing now and you look forward to another sister joining your family or are you just very content having your husband back all to yourself again? Inquiring minds want to know

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

الصفحة الرئيسية
January 20th, 2010 على 1:13 PM

As Salaamu Alaikum Umm Omar!

I understand what you mean about the excitement. I experience it often when I anticipate Alex coming home, and seeing him again. It reminds me of preparing for a date (I know the prep for date feeling from when I dated before becoming Muslim).

I was so happy for you when you said you’re glad to have your husband to yourself. That’s beautiful. It brought a big smile to my face Enjoy your husband!

Do you know if your husband wants to be polygamous again or the experience was enough for him to say no way, no how?

My intention would be not to discuss Alex being polygamous again unless he brought it up, if he were to divorce Carolinah.

Thanks for sharing!

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

الصفحة الرئيسية
January 21st, 2010 على 1:04 PM

As Salaamu Alaikum Umm Omar,

At least your husband got a taste of what polygamy is about, and can say he experienced it. Sometimes that’s what people want is just the experience.

It’s good you’re being open minded, knowing that although he says he wouldn’t want it again, it’s always a possibility that it could happen again. I remember a commentator or two said a Muslim woman always knows polygamy is a possibility in her life. I hadn’t remembered it. Based on my experience, I would tell any Muslim woman that I communicate with regarding marriage to always know polygamy is a strong possibility in her life.

You probably appreciate your husband more since the experience and vice versa. I’d venture to say polygamy was good for you!

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

الصفحة الرئيسية
January 22nd, 2010 على 8:47 PM

EgyptianLovingAmerian, I’m glad you didn’t take offense.

The reason I say I would tell any Muslim woman that polygamy is a possibility in her life is because I believe a large percentage of Muslim men truly believe polygamy is their right in Islam. No one knows when a man is going to exercise that right or present it to a wife that it is something he decided he wants to do. Some men say they’d never do it or have no desire to do it, only later to decide they will or want to. It’s not their fault, as no one can predict the future. Not knowing the future is another reason including a clause against it in a marriage contract does not assure against polygamy but simply gives a woman an option to divorce, if he violates that condition of the contract.

I think it very difficult to say how many people in Islam practice polygamy, simply because many of the marriages are not accounted for as they aren’t registered, aren’t “legal.” In Islam it’s not required to have a “legal” marriage for it to be valid. Some Muslims believe it is contrary to Islam to have a Marriage License.

I’m picking on Amina again. She commented under “7.6 مليون من الذكور غير المتزوجين بين كثير من المصريين لاتخاذ,” and said, “I also wonder how many of these people are actually married, but not account for Ie: just the kitab(contract) and not legally. I know lot’s of people who do that.” I concur with her. There is a large Muslim population in a neighboring city where I live in which I believe the majority of Muslims are married without an official registered Marriage License. Of course in polygamy we know only one of the wives could have a legal Marriage License in America or it would be Bigamy. How can anyone keep count of these type of marriages?

I’m not one good with citing statistics, but based on the articles I’ve been reading that I’ve posted on this blog under Polygamy in the Media and Polygamy in Various Countries, it appears the divorce rate is very high in many countries. I know in the neighboring city I made mention of above, there have been talk of numerous divorces in polygamous marriages and in monogamous Islamic marriages, كذلك, simply because Islamic marriages and divorces are so easy to get in and out of.

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

Searching
January 25th, 2010 على 6:48 PM

Assalamualaikum wr

Dear Sis Ana and readers,

I continue to read this blog and appreciate the information, comments and insights that are shared.

I would be grateful if anyone has any readings or information or if anyone would like to share his/her personal experience on this scenario :

What if polygyny is discussed and accepted even before marriage, ie the man already says that he will take a second wife before he marries the first and the first candidate (for lack of a better word), accepts.

What is the best way to deal with this situation, for the woman (and man), knowing that the marriage will eventually be shared with another person, even before it has begun. I am thinking in terms of expectation, coping, tips, pitfalls to avoid, الخ..

Sis Ana, I hope you are enjoying 2010 and that Allah grants you strength, wisdom and happiness as you continue your journey.

حاد
July 21st, 2010 على 9:41 PM

Salaam Alaikum

Help, I have a question (I raised it before on another post); I understand that each wife is entitled to a separate home/living space, however what about if you do not wish to have contact with your co-wife period? It may sound un-islamic but if you feel it is in YOUR interest to have no contact with her because you feel anger, hate or anything else towards her, isn’t it best to ‘keep away’ to avoid bad tensions, confrontations and possible feuds? I ask this because hubby wants me and no.2 to have some form of communication, even it is just a casual meeting (as we have not met yet) I DO NOT. Even after all this time, I am unable to bring myself to want anything to do with her, why should I? She wants to, I have been continuously told, but of course she would, she knew he had wife, she can’t ignore that fact, so she has no choice but to agree and please him and make out it is me who is uncooperative.

Do I have the RIGHT TO REFUSE contact with her? If I feel it would make dealing with ‘تعدد الزوجات’ more stressful for me? I mean just thinking about it makes me feel ill, then surely I shouldn’t have to give into the pressure? Apart from returning salaam, AM I OBLIGED IN ISLAM of anything else?

Ana you said in this post;
“Instructions are given to men in Islam that opt to engage in polygamy. I have come across no instructions for me as a Muslim female with regards being married to a polygamous man”.
Me too! I have scrolled though hadiths and Ayats, لكن, the only one I could find vaguely relating to my question is:

Al-Kaasaani said in Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i (4/24):
“If the husband wants to make her live with her co-wife or in-laws…. and she refuses to do so, then he has to accommodate her in a separate house, because they may annoy her or harm her if they live together, and her refusal is an indication that she is being bothered or harmed…. ”

Would this ‘refusal’ on my part be acceptable? After all meeting her, pretending to like her WOULD bother me, it would harm me (although not physically) but emotionally! The less contact I have, the better I will cope. The little things that pop into our daily lives is enough for me to handle at the moment.

To be blunt I don’t want to be her friend, I don’t want to pretend either, even to please my husband. I may share my husband with her, but that is out of my control.

It’s sounds bad of me I know, because she is a Muslim, but to be honest, I am afraid. Not of her or what she may do to me, but how I will react. My emotions are still fragile, I don’t want to have to cope with talking/meeting/seeing this woman; my imagination is already running wild without putting her face and voice to the picture.

Boy oh boy, 3 years in, still more challenges, still more hurdles, and still no where near truly accepting.

much salaam

الصفحة الرئيسية
July 22nd, 2010 على 7:21 PM

As Salaamu Alaikum MrsR#1!Welcome to polygamy411 and thank you much for going out on the limb and commenting. I sit back at times and wait for others to come forward with their feedback, before I reply. I’d like to hear from others, as everyone by now knows how I think and what my position is. I’ll say it again, I am no authority on polygamy. I just speak from my experience and my limited knowledge.

There are just so many more readers that don’t comment oppose to commentators, which is why I especially thank commentators. They are extra special, especially when they come to enrich themselves and others and don’t just come to berate another.

MrsR#1, I understand you’re feeling very insecure in yourself, knowing another woman is interested in marrying your husband and polygamy may be a possibility for you. The fear of losing your husband’s love to someone else naturally causes you to realize feeling of jealousy, envy and selfishness within you. Knowing these are blameworthy characteristics that we posses (base feelings that aren’t good), we do feel badly about ourselves for feeling them. ومع ذلك, you are not childish, so try not to beat yourself up like that.

It appears to me by what you’ve said that you are willing to possibly embark on the journey of polygamy, as you haven’t rejected it by saying no way, no how. It leads me to believe that you are willing to accept the whole of Quran and not just the part that’s to your liking. At least you’re receptive to giving it a try. That’s the path that many of us that are here are trying to take. It’s by far, not easy, but doable, especially if we try to help one another.

My thoughts are that once we’ve accepted polygamy for our husbands – allowed them to do what Allah says they can and let them account to Allah SWT for the rest, that is all we must do.

The question you and Huda asked, whether we have to live with the other wife/wives, be friends with the other wife/wives, communicate with the other wife/wives, الخ.. is all up to us, فردي. Allah tells us how to deal with people based on what type of people they are. We’re all supposed to be kind and just to everyone unless they fight us for our faith. He tells us how to deal with our enemies, كذلك. I think we should use the same criteria when determining how we should deal or not deal with co-wives; subsequent wives; غيرها من الزوجات; sister wives or whatever we want to call them (that’s nice ) in the same way.

I’m becoming more accepting of my situation more and more each day. I think communicating with 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives here on the blog has helped me adapt much better, كذلك. Just as an update: I still opt not to communicate with carolinah at this time. My inclination is still to attack, badger and hurt her, if I can. So see. I still have a long, long ways to go

MrsR#1, I hope I’ve helped some. Please ask more questions and we’ll try to help as best we can; I will try.

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

الصفحة الرئيسية
July 29th, 2010 على 7:48 PM

Umm S, Hi! وعليكم السلام عليك!!! مرحبا بكم في تعدد الزوجات 411. It’s good to have you here and thanks you very much for commenting. We appreciate you sharing with us what life was like for you, living polygyny.

I share your sentiments that a polygynous marriage is desirable in many ways. Although, polygyny has a way of bringing out the worst in some women, especially the worst in me. I did not like women as friends even when I was monogamous and knew nothing about polygamy. So one could see how trying to integrate a female friendship into my marriage, making it polygamous is just not working.

It’s nice that you are pro-polygyny whether you live it or not. I think that is the key – accepting polygyny whether we live it or not. I don’t think polygyny is a pre-requisite to enter Paradise, but accepting all that’s in the Quran is. That’s what I’m working towards and I think other’s here are as well.

Were u first or second wife? Please don’t feel compelled to answer. I was just curious.

Thanks again Umm S!

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

جوديث
July 30th, 2010 على 1:42 PM

Umm S,
In thinking a little more about your post, maybe I understand it better.

Are you saying that polygyny helps relieve the stifling aspects of monogamy, not because of the relationship between the sister wives, but because the fact of having a sister wife relieves the wife of constant duty towards the husband? Just trying to understand…
j

Ameerah
20 سبتمبر, 2010 على 2:04 AM

Assalam to all

Well well we normally tend to be selfish and thinking that we owned things here in this world, like our children, our husband, our home, our car, الخ..

But the truth is that we are given these by Allah`s only for a limited tme, nothing is owned by us actually. We have it today and in one glimse he can take it back. So my point here, is that First wife should not be too much aggressive or trying to have more control over the husband knowing he just got married again to another wife. Give them time to settle their married life, if it is difficult for first wife then its not easy even for the new married wife…

First wife should be grateful that He is not having an affair in hidden, but he has nikhaa in a pure relationship as he had with the first wife.
Relationships lead by the way prescribed by Allah, is only pure and halal, so who r first wife to spoilt it by being jealousy and fighting day n night abt this?

A man needs peace of mind life, he seeks constant love and passion and above all understandings from wife. If this is lacking in first marriage, definitely he wont feel complete in that and he will try to find it again by marrying again, so why adding pressure and stress into that relationship? Let him breath so far he will never leave first wife so whts the prob?

We r ordered by Allah to please our husband and his happiness should be our happiness. We women we have a soft heart to forgive and to love unconditionally. So lets try to live peaceful and cherish each single moment we have with our husband n children, who knows may be tmw one of us die and we may then regret all the jealousy/fighting/arguing.

Financially co-wives have to think about each other and not impose too much on husband to have more finance from him as he needs to balance both life, specially if he is having kids from both. So definitely they are all one family only, and truth is they cannot ignore each other even, so better, first family accept the second family and vice versa, and live happily with each other. If any member of any family having a serious health problem then defintely the whole family will be worried as the husband will be very worried so, learn to live as a peaceful family.

Lets be thankful to Allah, we have a husband who care about us and think about us and he is in the right path of Allah(i.e he had nikhaa and not zina).

If we have sincere taqwah i mean fear of Allah we will never hurt other persons instead we b thankful to Allah for every single things we have in this life!!

I am myself a newly married second wife, the first wife accepted me b4 nikhaa, but today is very aggressive knowing im going to give birth to a baby. All I ask Allah in every prayer is to give her sabar to bear things, even I asked my husband to give her more assurance.

Ameerah
September 21st, 2010 على 6:37 AM

لين

Second wife is a human too and not all the time with bad intention.

Additional family member can only bring additional love & care … only if we take away all selfishness and jealousy.

Depend on our perception and our intention.

May we appear to Allah in a state where he is pleased with us for every deeds.

Ameen.

مسلمة 3
September 22nd, 2010 على 1:31 PM

Salaams Huda,

Your post really makes my heartache for you. I know there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better(not even,”I know how you feel”. لكن, may Allah make this test easy on you and your children. Ameen
May he guide you right so you may not go astray inshallah. Ameen
May he bless you with patience and uderstanding of this deen. Ameen

Everything that I ask Allah to bless you with, May Allah bless me with the same. Ameen

لين
September 22nd, 2010 على 7:22 PM

Huda i can feel everything you said. yes i’m very néw to polygamy but those are exactly I’m feeling now. It seems to me my husband has changed too and he will do anything for Ms. ف. He asked me to settle everything for Eid coz he hadn’t had enough but he has money to go across to fulfil his “responsibilities” by spending 4 days there. It’s like going for a short holiday as they would be staying in a hotel & there’s nothing much to be done except for eat sleep and shopping, it’s true blessing for them and I’m here have to take care of my 4 الأطفال. I am thinking too of leaving him for good. I leave it to Allah he knows best.

I need to get ready to work I hope you are feeling better now after the wudhu and sholat. Take care my dear Stop crying I will pray you will get back your happiness soon.

لين
September 22nd, 2010 على 8:54 PM

مارسيل – you are so funny. My husband & father to my 4 children will come home tonight after 4 days escapade. I’m gonna try the shaking head with long sigh & I hope I don’t get a slam from him. I don’t think my teenage girls dare to try that out.

Looking at your situation, a pain is really a pain even when the husband provide luxuriously for the first wives. I’m in a worst state – the pain is even more as husband not able to provide for the family but still insisting what he did is right haiz

have a good day everyone !

الصفحة الرئيسية
September 22nd, 2010 على 11:54 PM

مارسيل, وعليكم السلام عليك!

JUST READING your post lifted my spirits real high, as if magical. What’s up with that?

I pray all are feeling much better. We all have those ups and downs depending on what happens or what’s said etc. على سبيل المثال, Alex has been with carolinah for the last three days. He’s been trying to reach me by way of phone, but I haven’t been home, busy getting ready to go away on vacation again, on Friday. (I’ll try to check comments in the business center of the resort while gone. Relying on my friend hasn’t quite been working out, but who knows what may happen this time.)

بأية حال, Alex called and caught me this evening while I was in the car. He was annoyed that he hadn’t been able to reach me. I didn’t avoid him intentionally just so you know. I asked what he was doing. وقال, “I’m on my way home.” I got confused thinking maybe he was confused and was coming to our home. I asked if he was coming to my house. That rubbed him the wrong way and he replied, “I thought it was our home.” ومع ذلك, he clarified that he was on his way to Carolinah’s. It totally peed me off to no end, but I didn’t let him know it. After I hung up the phone, I called him a b**tard and began venting and lashing out verbally. My friend said Alex needs to learn how to talk to avoid problems. He said Alex only needed to say something like, “I’m on my way in.” But it’s all good. It makes me stay focused and not on him. It makes me see him as insignificant and helps me to keep moving forward. It keeps me awake so I don’t fall to sleep, إذا جاز التعبير. I’m beginning to realize again that he’s not all that important. We just never know what’s going to be said or done next that set’s us off

The only home he has is ours – his and mine. وأنا أعلم; you probably think I’m delusional loool.

هدى, just remember, he didn’t have to call. If it was all ceremonial, he probably would have called when he was alone. It sounds to me that he was having a good time, enjoying himself with the baby and was totally thinking of you, wishing you were there with him to share in his joy. He called you so you could be a part of it although you couldn’t be there with them. That’s just what I think. Men are pretty much clueless about women’s feelings. He didn’t know it would hurt you.

Tomorrow, you’ll feel much better Huda. Every day is different from all the others

هذا هو البيت المفتوح. لا حاجة لضرب. فقط تعال في يوم.

دونالد
September 23rd, 2010 على 12:16 AM

Sure, Marcel’s comment is kind of funny, but all jokes aside… You need to ask yourself, is there any hope for rescuing your marriage? Does your husband still love you? Does he want to make it work with you? If so, don’t play games and use childish shaming tactics. That will only create a greater divide between the two of you. Talk to him — openly and honestly about your feelings, your pain. And be honest with yourself too! Be attuned to all of that wonderful female intuition that God has given you. If he genuinely loves you, then you have a foundation to work from. If he doesn’t love you, he could give you all the financial security in the world, and you would still have nothing. As an ancient proverb very wisely says:

‘Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.’

لين, did I hear you right when you said ‘I hope I don’t get a slam from him’? Did you mean being hit physically? I’m sorry, but a man who loves you would never manipulate you through fear of abuse. If you can’t depend on your own husband to love and protect you, then you have no obligation to stay… God loves you! I believe with all my heart that he wants you, and your daughters, to experience a life of love and not fear.

Ameerah
September 23rd, 2010 على 3:58 AM

Allah hates the word divorce why?
to make us think many times before we proceed into that as it will hurt everyone involved and destroy a whole family.

Even I was thinking of leaving my husband coz I got into polygamy unwillingly as i knew abt it only on eve of my marriage. But Allah makes women with more soft heart to forgive and more strong of Sabar.

I asked for divorce from my husband many times coz I wanted a peace of mind life as his first wife after accepting me b4 my nikhaa now is very aggressive and harassing knowing abt me going to hv a baby very soon. But then instead my husband cried n he told me something which makes me to think deeply.

with his first wife, he has 2 sons.
So he showed me his fingers of his right hand. وقال, each one of these fingers represents a part of himself, his first wife, his elder son, his younger son, me as his second wife and now our first baby. N this makes his right hand complete, without any of us he will b incomplete and suffer for life.

We need to have an open communication with our husband all the time, telling him, wht has hurt us today, wht he must do etc etc for more consideration and not suffer alone.

Muzakkir
September 23rd, 2010 على 5:22 AM

not even ali’s barring recommendation can keep this kid down..

AMEN MARCEL!!

لين
September 23rd, 2010 على 6:50 AM

yes Donald my husband loves to threaten me and kids.