Полигамия 411

I have written “My Journey” и “My Story Today” in book like form  (read from top to bottom), which does not conform to how one normally reads a blog. За да зададете мнения на този начин, Аз трябваше да променят датите на труда. This explains why the dates of the posts do not coincide with the dates of the comments, отговори, или отговори от коментаторите.

Като нова за блоговете, I did not do so well with the timeline in the posts. За да ви дам по-добра представа за времевия, Алекс и аз станах полигамни през декември 2006 (Когато Алекс “омъжена” Carolinah). Започнах блога през февруари 2009. Така че, можете да видите започнах блог за живота ни само малко повече от две години да стане полигамни. Аз все още е пълна каша (психологически) в момента.

Надявам се това обяснение е полезно.

Това е една отворена къща. Няма нужда да се чукам. Просто дойде на.

За да се защити истинската самоличност на страните и да останем верни на живота ми опит, имената на героите тук (в полигамията 411) са фиктивни; обаче, моята ситуация, обстоятелства, и опит са реални.

Аз съм Anabellah. Можете да наречете ме Ана.  I са били в един полигамен брак, посочени от мнозина за полигамия, само за малко повече от две години.  Името на съпруга ми е Алекс.  Той “married” Carolinah (Коледна песен) докато е омомъжена�а за мен.  АЗ употреба “married” в котировките, просто защото не бях в сватбената церемония на Алекс и Carolinah.  Аз не говоря с никого, които присъствCarolinahа церемонията, нито пък аз виждам никаква документация за това.  Аз трябва да приеме думата на Алекс, че е възникнала.  Алекс, Carolinah, и аз живея полигамия, , което е законно за мен като мюсюлманин, за всички намерения и цели.

Аз поиска прошка на Аллах за нещо, което мога да кажа или да заяви тук, в многобрачие 411 , които биха неволно, или по някакъв начин да подведе други.  Намерението ми тук в многобрачие 411 е да помагат на другите при справянето с начин на живот (полигамия) , което е добро за мен и в същото време са го открили е изключително трудно.

Бих искал да споделя с вас тук, в многобрачие 411 моето пътуване и отговори много от вашите въпроси, колкото се може по-честно и възможно най-бързо.  Insha Аллах, ще споделя някои от вашите чувства, мисли, и опит с мен и другите, както и.

Искам да запомните, че Аллах направи позволено човек да има повече от една жена в исляма. Така че, Имайте предвид, полигамия 411 не е полигамия Башинг блог. Аз не искам да направи незаконно, онова, което Аллах е направил законосъобразно. Това е част от моята борба, както аз битка с истината и моята лична желания.

В полигамията 411, Аз не, не може да, и не ще кажете на всеки, как да практикуват полигамия, нито ще дава съвети за това дали е правилно за вас. Мога само да споделя с вас това, което имам опитен, научих за себе си, и научих от другите.

Всички хвалят се дължи на Аллах.

I should give you a bit of background information on Alex and me…the beginning.  Преди Алекс и аз омъжена, той каза, че може да се грижи за мен. Казах добре и добри, but I will keep working.  I liked what I did and the money I made.  I think if a man gives you money, you give him control.  No way did I want Alex to have that much control of me.  I needed to make my money.

Alex and I shared the expenses.  Why should he pay for everything?  In sharing expenses, той ще има много пари, за да помогне на семейството си и приятели. That is what he continued to do-help his family and friends.  I didn’t know Alex one day would мисля той е много достатъчно пари, за да се грижи за друга жена.

Аз постоянно спря да работи, about one year after Alex married Carolinah.  В…Аз не спре да работи, за да се постави тежестта на Алекс, as that would only put a burden on me.  I fully knew I had enough money to take care of myself, if Алекс и ми marriage did not work out.  Освен това, I kept in mind that Alex had a legal responsibility to me given by our State Marriage License.

В took my emotional, psychological and physical well-being into consideration before retiring my career (една година след като Алекс женен Carolinah.)  The tremendous amount of stress that I had suffered from living my new life polygamy (живеене, то сега за една година), not only effected my mental and physical health, , но ми work as well…not sleeping at night, не може да се съсредоточи по време на работа, депресирани и просто не се грижат повече, most definitely took a toll on me.

Carolina had resurfaced in Alex’s life.  I found out about three months before he told me that he was going to marry her.  (She and Alex had been together for a few years or so before he and I met and married, to my understanding.)

Alex advised me one evening that Carolina was thinking about becoming Muslim.  He said he told her to go to the Mosque, but then told her that he would teach her.  Казах, “Добре, go ahead , teach her.” 

On a subsequent occasion,  Бях having an emergency, and tried to reach Alex.  He didn’t answer his cell phone.  When I later questioned him about it he said, “I was at Carolina’s house.”  И, I was a bit taken back for a moment, but life went on.  On another day he said, ” I wonder what you would do if she becomes Muslim.”  I ignored the statement and, as usual, life went on.

One night, soon afterwards,  we were preparing to have dinner and I asked him if Carolina had decided to become Muslim yet.  Той каза,, “Не.”  I asked him what was taking her so long to decide if Allah was good for her?  Not many days later, he said she had become Muslim.

Така че, everything seemed as usual in our home; I was content; I guess you could even say I was happy. Но, I did notice Alex was still in his mind, somewhat distant.  And then, spontaneously, out of nowhere,  he said to me, “I’m going to marry Carolina.”

Уау, I didn’t see that one coming…. I just remember saying,  “И, I’m going to get a divorce.”  He said he didn’t want a divorce.  I said I didn’t care.  He said I couldn’t divorce him in Islam, as I had no reason to.

I frantically threw on some street clothes and a coat, grabbed my cell phone, and ran out into the street. (I live in a quiet cul-de-sac. It was a Sunday evening, nighttime, and conversations outside could be heard clearly by anyone inside.)  I called my best friend (of 20 plus years, who introduced me to Islam, ми Wali).  I was absolutely hysterical, screaming loudly, and crying uncontrollably… I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the sky, at the stars and the houses all around. Nothing seemed real accept the voice on the other end of the phone.

I told him what Alex had said. My friend’s response was, “ It’s OK; he’s allowed to do that.”  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.”  Казах, “ I want a divorce.”  He said I had no reason to divorce him.  He said I couldn’t divorce him just because I didn’t like Allah’s decision.  He said I had to try to accept Allah’s decision and if I couldn’t, he would help me get a divorce.  He told me to stop crying.  Той каза,, “Go back inside, and don’t let him see you crying.”

Добре, so now I knew he was going to have an extra wife. Alex and I were going to be part and parcel of polygamy. На следващата сутрин Алекс ми се обади на път за работа, to check on me.  He said his stomach had been in knots and still was, тъй като той е на шофиране. Аз доста е много чувство вцепенен в този момент, from what I could remember. 

Един ден, или по-късно, в състояние на отказ, Попитах Alex if he was really going to marry Carolinah. He said yes, и ме попита дали аз помислих, че ще момче за нещо подобно. It was now the end of Ноември. В asked when he might do it. Той каза,, “През януари. или февруари” 

On  a later day, Попитах Alex to give me more time, като това е твърде много, твърде бързо. I needed more time за digest it all. Той каза,, “Не.”  He said delaying it would be like pulling a band-aid off a wound. Би било по-добре да го направи бързо и да го по с, he said. 

Разбира се, Бях объркан и депресиран. I spoke with my wali about it. Той ме посъветва да не се притеснява, as only Allah SWT knew whether it was actually going to happen or not. The thought that it might not happen comforted me.

И тогава един ден, soon afterwards, В received a phone call from Alex while I was at work.  With a bit of excitement in his voice, he said the wali for Carolinah advised him that she was ready and the wedding could take place. Alex said he set the date for mid Dec. (He gave me the exact date).  I was totally unprepared for the marriage, unprepared for polygamy in my life to take place so soon. After All, he had said it would take place in either Jan. или февруари  

В продължение на много дни, за да следват, I continued to ask Alex to give me more time and not do it so quickly.  I asked if  he would wait until Aug. или септември. да ми даде време да се приеме ситуацията. Той каза,, “No”. Започнах да се признае за много пъти за повече време, , докато не осъзнах, че се моли. I again asked him if I was going to meet her.  He said no, като се страхуваше, че ще се опита да го спре.

I spoke to a few people about how Alex had denied me more time.  One person said he treated me like a ”обаче.” My oldest sister said, че е like he had given me a huge piece of steak and made me swallow it, без да ми даде шанс да се дъвчат.

Така че, сега…what do В do? Полигамията е бързо се превръща по-скоро реалност за мен.

Алекс advised me, before and after he married мен, че той не е имал интерес към полигамия. Now things changed and he was going to marry Carolinah. Разбира се, I had questions.

Алекс е already said when his marriage to Carolinah would take place. I asked Alex if he loved Carolinah.  Той каза,, “Не ми пука за нея.”  When I first realized Alex was seeing Carolinah again, he had told me that she “comforted” him. One of my sisters looked at a photo that I had shown her of Carolinah and said, “Той (Алекс) трябва да са били reeeeeal тъжно.”  

Alex gave me various replies at varying times about why he was going to marry Carolinah. Some of the reason he gave were: She needed help. He said the only way he could help her and be around her was by being married to her. He said she had a teenage son that she needed help with. Alex каза Carolinah was a nice person and people were taking advantage of her; лица отсяда в дома си, and wouldn’t leave.  Alex, При друг случай, said he needed to feel needed.

Аз съм се малко напред на себе си в историята тук, но approximately a couple months after he had married Carolinah, той said he married her защото she wanted sex. I asked him if he was paying her mortgage.  He said he was paying half her mortgage (her mortgage was one of those no money down, balloon type mortgages that doubled or something like that.)

The weeks and days before my forthcoming experience с polygamy came rapidly, sparking within me various feelings and emotions. Бях изключително ядосан на Алекс за това, което беше, да се направи…полигамия?  

В вечери, когато той дойде у дома, Аз ranted и аз споменал. Аз виках към него от горната част на дробовете ми, spurting се обиди. Не може да повтори тези думи и фрази тук, като they are totally inappropriate. I’m sure you could imagine what they were.  

Sometimes when he was watching TV or was on the computer, I’d rush right in from another room and explode-from a distance. I never got too close.  I’d leave the room, again, и then would rush back. Направих това многократно. I kept physical distance from Alex, по време на моите пристъпи на ярост, fearing he’d clobber me and I’d end up laid out on the floor. Дори и в държавата си на ярост, Бях уплашен, не искат да ми действията и поведението твърде далеч. Бях като “луда жена.”  I’m sure the neighbors heard.  (Бях totally mortified and humilitated; Радвам се, те се местят.)

Алекс никога не отговорили на моя гняв. Той просто продължи това, което той правеше, as though I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how he did нея.  I mean this went on throughout the night, в продължение на много нощи, всяка вечер?  I went on and on about how Carolinah just wanted his money and wanted sex. How she nor he knew anything about Islam. Как беше на слепите водещи слепи. How he was going to practice polygamy just to hurt me, as I had hurt him by not living our lives the way he wanted me to.

В други случаи, I became reasonable. I actually began to get to know Alex better. I had an underlying motive.  I’m sure Carolinah thought she was very special right about now. The two of them were preparing psychologically and physically for their steamy, hot encounters.  И, Сега беше време за мен да се опознаем по-добре съпругът ми…да дадем нов тласък на пожар или, Аз може би трябва да кажа, ignite it, as I don’t think it had ever been lit to begin with.

 And that is what I did.

Това е удивително, че за близо пет години не съм наистина познавам себе си, нито пък знам, съпругът ми Алекс. Бях толкова погълнати от себе си, егоцентричен и окончателни арогантен. I hadn’t taken any significant time to know Alex.  I focused primarily on what he did and didn’t do, ми иска и моите нужди, and my likes and dislikes. Alex had almost been superficial to me.

За мен, polygamy was and is a humbling experience.  I never, ever dreamed Alex would consider polygamy. I used to come home and tell him stories about people in neighboring communities who were polygamous, and were getting divorced.  He even told me a couple of similar stories. 

A problem arose with realizing polygamy in my life. I now began to attach myself and focus too much attention on Alex. I swung far, way over to the opposite side.  Although I was still staying conscious of Allah SWT, I had now стане much too attentive to Alex. 

My Wakeel kept telling me, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you. That is what a chase is all about.” My wakeel advised me time in and time out that nothing should ever be more important than Allah SWT.

Това е една отворена къща. Няма нужда да се чукам. Просто хайде в.

As the date for the marriage drew closer, I felt a need to have more details about it from Alex. Така че, Попитах.  

I already knew the date the marriage was going to take place. They scheduled it for a weekday, the beginning of the week. He said he was going to go to work the day of the marriage and it would take place after the Maghrib prayer, at a Masjid in Carolinah’s hometown. I asked if afterwards they were going to go on a “Honeymoon.” Той каза,, в; they were going to go away sometime during the next year. It didn’t seem at all romantic or glamorous to me and that made me feel much по-добре. 

Carolinah didn’t live in the same geographical location as me, which made me feel much better as well.  Although, she didn’t live very, very far away, she was far enough away from me.   

Alex and I had revived the passion in our marriage or I should say brought alive passion that hadn’t existed before.  We now had a really nice connection. It felt like I had just met him.  Alex could very well say he was beginning new lives, one with Carolinah and one with me, simultaneously. 

He said he would stay four days with her and then would come back home.  I thought she was only supposed to get three days, but I didn’t bother to check it out or squabble about it. 

It didn’t feel that weird to me either, then, като it wouldn’t be the first time he was going to be with Carolinah…remember, they were together for a couple of years or so before he and I got married.  Maybe once they resumed the relationship he’d remember why he didn’t marry her to begin with (усмивка).  I’m sorry!  That was way harsh.